Sanctuary…

22 Achievements to Celebrate

When you understand success as a state of mind, not just an outcome, any moment can be a victory.

How many of these achievements can you call successes in your life?

1. Staying focused
2. Being optimistic, no matter what
3. Raising confident kids
4. Earning more than you ever dreamed
5. Hanging in, regardless
6. Passing on what you know
7. Running for office
8. Finding work you love
9. Telling the truth, always
10. Paying off debts
11. Finding the good in being fired
12. Winning a tough case
13. Celebrating a milestone birthday
14. Exceeding your parents’ expectations
15. Building a house with a Habitat for Humanity team
16. Bouncing back after a failure
17. Delivering a healthy baby
18. Mastering the impossible—Mt. Everest, golf, the fuse box
19. Losing the last ten pounds
20. Meditating every morning
21. Accepting your looks hair and all
22. Learning to forgive your worst enemy

Keep track of what these achievements mean to you. Can you add more to your list?

Click above to find out what kind of soul YOU are! Share with us!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20070622-000002.xml

10 Non-PC Truths About Human Nature

Why most suicide bombers are Muslim, beautiful people have more daughters, humans are naturally polygamous, sexual harassment isn’t sexist, and blonds are more attractive.

For Discussion ~ Do you agree with the 10 key points of the article? What surprised you the most? What did you already know? What do you disagree with?

The whole article is too long to post here, I’ll hope you’ll click the link, but here is the intro with the 10 key points:

Human nature is one of those things that everybody talks about but no one can define precisely. Every time we fall in love, fight with our spouse, get upset about the influx of immigrants into our country, or go to church, we are, in part, behaving as a human animal with our own unique evolved nature—human nature.

This means two things. First, our thoughts, feelings, and behavior are produced not only by our individual experiences and environment in our own lifetime but also by what happened to our ancestors millions of years ago. Second, our thoughts, feelings, and behavior are shared, to a large extent, by all men or women, despite seemingly large cultural differences.

Human behavior is a product both of our innate human nature and of our individual experience and environment. In this article, however, we emphasize biological influences on human behavior, because most social scientists explain human behavior as if evolution stops at the neck and as if our behavior is a product almost entirely of environment and socialization. In contrast, evolutionary psychologists see human nature as a collection of psychological adaptations that often operate beneath conscious thinking to solve problems of survival and reproduction by predisposing us to think or feel in certain ways. Our preference for sweets and fats is an evolved psychological mechanism. We do not consciously choose to like sweets and fats; they just taste good to us.

The implications of some of the ideas in this article may seem immoral, contrary to our ideals, or offensive. We state them because they are true, supported by documented scientific evidence. Like it or not, human nature is simply not politically correct.

1. Men like blond bombshells (and women want to look like them)

10. Men sexually harass women because they are not sexist

Excerpted from Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters, by Alan S. Miller and Satoshi Kanazawa, to be published by Perigree in September 2007.

20 Ways to Get and Stay Happy

Happiness is difficult to define and even harder to measure. We experience it as a combination of elements, in the same way that one wheel or spring inside a watch doesn’t keep time — it is a result of the synchronicity of the whole. As a relative state, happiness is what psychologists call our “subjective well-being” and, fortunately for us, it is a state that we can actively change for the better. Here are 20 ways to start. (For Discussion: which element on this list surprises you the most? Which element is easiest? Which is the most challenging?)

1. Count Your Blessings

Count your blessings — but not everyday. Sonja Lyubomirsky, an experimental psychologist at UC Riverside, found that people who once a week wrote down five things they were grateful for were happier than those who did it three times a week. “It’s an issue of timing or frequency,” says Lyubomirsky, “When people do anything too often it loses the freshness and meaning. You need to have optimal timing.” Lyubomirsky added that it has to feel right. She tried to count her blessings and hated it. “I found it hokey. It didn’t work for me. Just like a diet program, what you do has to fit your lifestyle, personality and goals.” In essence, gratitude might not be for everyone. But if it is, another exercise is to think of a person who has been kind to you that you’ve wanted to thank — a teacher, mentor or parent — and write a letter, once a week to different individuals over two months. You don’t even have to send it to feel happier.

2. Hear the Music

Whether regarded as an evolutionary accident that piggybacked on language or as the gateway to our emotions, music activates parts of the brain that can trigger happiness, releasing endorphins similar to the ways that sex and food do. Music can also relax the body, sometimes into sleep as it stimulates the brain’s release of melatonin. A study of older adults who listened to their choice of music during outpatient eye surgery showed that they had significantly lower heart rates and blood pressure, and their hearts did not work as hard as those who underwent surgery without music. A second study, of patients undergoing colonoscopy, showed that listening to their selection of music reduced their anxiety levels and lessened the dosage required for sedation.

3. Snog. Canoodle. Get It On.

It’s no secret that a roll in the hay, and all that leads up to it, feels good. Endorphins are the neurotransmitters in your brain that reduce pain and, in the absence of pain, can induce euphoria. A rush of such chemicals might seem like a temporary solution to a dreary day, but there are added benefits, not the least of which is expressing affection and strengthening the bonds of a relationship. Oxytocin is released by the pituitary gland upon orgasm; often referred to as the “hormone of love” or the “cuddle chemical,” it is associated with feelings of bonding and trust, and can even reduce stress.

4. Nurture Your Spirituality

Survey after survey shows that people with strong religious faith — of any religion or denomination — are happier than those who are irreligious. David Myers, a social psychologist at Michigan’s Hope College, says that faith provides social support, a sense of purpose and a reason to focus beyond the self, all of which help root people in their communities. That seems reason enough to get more involved at the local church, temple or mosque. For the more inwardly focused, deep breathing during meditation and prayer can slow down the body and reduce stress, anxiety and physical tension to allow better emotions and energy to come forward.

5. Move Your Body

We’ve all heard about a “runner’s high,” but there are plenty of other ways to achieve that feeling. Dance. Play a sport. Work out as hard as you can. Take a walk so your stress will take a hike. Moving your body releases endorphins, the quintessential feel-good chemicals found in your brain. How endorphin release is triggered by exercise is somewhat of a controversial science because researchers don’t know if it is caused by the positive emotion felt upon meeting a physical challenge or from the exertion itself. Either way, physical motion can provide a rush of good energy that can lift a mood, be it anxiety or mild depression, and it’s a good way to keep healthy.

6. Laugh Big

Be it a slew of good jokes, a slapstick comedy or laughing yoga, find something to give you a good hearty laugh that brings tears to the eyes or a giggle fit that makes the sides of your body ache. People are 30 times more likely to laugh in groups than alone and, not surprisingly, laughter is associated with helping to develop person-to-person connections through a feedback loop characterized by laughter, social bonding and more laughter. Laughter, like so many other endorphin-triggers, helps to reduce certain stress hormones and, while it might be contagious, it strengthens your immune system rather than weakening it.

7. Do Something Nice for Someone Else

Hold a door open for someone at the bank, give someone directions if they look lost or make a point to compliment three people on your way to work. Small or big, directed at friends or strangers, random acts of kindness make the person performing the kind act happier when they’re grouped together, according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, an experimental psychologist at UC Riverside. Doing a considerate thing for another person five times in one day made the doer happier than if they had spread out those five acts over one week. Lyubomirsky explains that because we all perform acts of kindness naturally, it seems to please us more when we’re more conscious of it. There are social rewards, too, when people respond positively.

8. Make More Money Than Your Peers

Midas might have been an unhappy guy, but that’s probably because he didn’t know any other kings who could also turn things into gold. Money as an absolute may not make you a happier person but making more money than others in your age group does, according to a sociological study done in 2005 by researchers at Pennsylvania State University. But keeping up with the Joneses isn’t the only way that money brings happiness. Saving it for retirement or a rainy day brings together a variety of positive emotions that can lead to happiness, such as anticipation and expectation, a sense of delayed gratification and reward.

9. Seek Positive Emotion as a Path to Success

Happiness can lead to success, rather than just the other way around. Happy individuals are predisposed to seek out new opportunities and set new goals. After reviewing data of 225 studies gathered from more than 275,000 individuals, a team of psychologists concluded that while previous research assumed that happiness stemmed from success and accomplishment, happiness is often a result of positive emotions. Success is the result of many factors, including physical health, intelligence, family and expertise.

10. Identify With Your Heritage

Whether it’s getting comfy with a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, dancing at a Japanese Obon festival or scarfing down a hot dog at Coney Island, embrace your culture. Appreciating one’s culture creates and strengthens bonds with others who share that culture and also allows one to identify and appreciate cultural difference. A recent study showed that adolescents of Mexican and Chinese ethnicity maintained feelings of happiness despite daily stress when they had a strong sense of cultural identity. In other research, psychologists found an association between stable cultural identity and overall positive emotion in African American and Native American communities.

11. Use a Happy Memory as a Guide

Learn to scan your memory bank for your strengths, talents, passions, interests, practical coping skills, and earlier potential — whether it’s actualized or not. Scanning this memory bank and gleaning material that can be used to reinvent yourself to be happier is key, says Barbara Becker-Holstein, psychologist and author of Enchanted Self: A Positive Therapy. For example, someone who would like to be more altruistic can scan their past and know that they didn’t like Girl Scouts in elementary school. That crosses off being a PTA mother. But they might remember that as a child they enjoyed collecting soda bottles and giving the money to the local fire station where they knew the firefighters. That person might consider giving money and time to a local group where they can socialize with people rather than mailing in a check to a distant organization. “Looking at one’s personal style, tastes and interests as we look for ways to be happy today is very important,” says Becker-Holstein.

12. Play the Part of an Optimist

Optimism is a learned skill and there are a variety of ways to acquire it, says psychologist Mary Ann Troiani, co-author of Spontaneous Optimism. Through her research, Troiani has come up with three things that you can do to enhance your sense of optimism. First, straighten out your body before your emotions by keeping a straight body posture, taking big steps and walking quickly with your shoulders back and your head up. “People who are pessimistic walk slowly with small steps and their head down,” she says. Second, change your tone of voice so that it is cheerful and full of energy. Third, use upbeat or happier words, such as “challenge” rather than “problem,” or think of “opportunities” rather than “losses.” “Positive thoughts and behavior have a positive impact on the brain’s biochemistry,” she says. “[They] boost your serotonin levels and signal that you’re happy. Your brain will catch up to you.” Troiani reminds us: it takes about 4 to 6 weeks to really change a habit.

13. Try New Things

Stop putting off seeing the aurora lights, warming up in the hot springs of Greenland or learning a new instrument — just do it. If you often do one thing that makes you happy, then try another. Psychologist Rich Walker of Winston-Salem State University looked at 30,000 event memories and over 500 diaries, ranging from durations of 3 months to 4 years, and says that people who engage in a variety of experiences are more likely to retain positive emotions and minimize negative ones than people who have fewer experiences. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, studies her broaden-and-build hypothesis of positive emotion. Her research suggests that the optimal ratio of positive to negative emotion in humans is above 3 to 1 and below 11 to 1. Walker has observed that once the ratio of positive to negative events hit 1 to 1, it opens the door to potential disorders, such as anxiety and depression.

14. Tell Your Story to Someone

Talking about the good and bad things that happen can lead to happiness — even if it is from opposite ends of the phone line. In a controlled lab experiment, psychologist Rich Walker of Winston-Salem State University found that the reasons are two-fold: people tend to emphasize positive emotions and mitigate negative ones when telling a story, since memory’s natural bias is to keep tabs on the good stuff and gradually lose the emotional intensity of a bad event; and the process of storytelling can affect how one feels about what happened even up to a week later. In other words, talking about a negative experience made the emotional intensity of that memory fade faster than if the event had not been recounted. Walker says that storytelling works best when there is a lot of audience diversity — it helps to tell the story many times to a variety of people.

15. Balance Work and Home

The grin of our society is blue-toothed. With BlackBerrys and corporate email at home, we are tethered to technology unlike any previous generation. This newfound flexibility between our work and private lives works for some people but is problematic for others. In 2003, Michigan State University researchers found that those who establish boundaries between work and home are more connected to their families and have less conflict than those who integrate the two. The researchers divided people into what they call integrators and separators and suggested that knowing the appropriate boundaries between work and home can have an impact and improve happiness.

16. Be Like the Danes: Keep Expectations Realistic

Last year, the first world map of happiness was produced, and Denmark came out on top. For more than 30 years, the nation has ranked first in European satisfaction surveys. Researchers in the British Medical Journal tried to understand why the Danes felt more satisfied than the Swedes or Finns, who share similar aspects of culture, and came up with two plausible explanations: the lasting impact of the Danes’ victory in the 1992 European Football Championship has kept them in a state of euphoria since; and the nation, while satisfied, has shown low expectations for the coming year, unlike the Greeks and the Italians who rank low on satisfaction. While there were other reasons that contributed to the satisfaction of the Danes, one thing is clear: the higher one’s expectations, the further they fall.

17. Make Time

Society is plagued by time bankruptcy. But what if people asserted more control over their time to optimize their use of it? “Maybe you need to burn bridges, discard habits or situations that waste time and avoid emotional vampires,” says Mary Ann Troiani, co-author of Spontaneous Optimism. “It’s like house-cleaning at that point.” Psychologists will say prioritize, set realistic daily goals that fit into the bigger picture and some time might be recovered. Troiani usually asks one pointed question to shock her clients out of their rut: How would you feel in two or three years if you still feel this way? “People sit there like a deer in headlights,” she says. Her response: picture and imagine what you want to feel like. Maybe set aside two nights in your calendar to focus on those things that you’d like to spend more time on. Or as she puts it: cut the chase.

18. Visualize Happiness

We are unique creatures in that we can mentally simulate situations by remembering the past and visualizing the future. We can also play a hand at perhaps creating the future — at least in terms of preparing our emotional state for what may come. It’s a valuable tool and one that can lead to happiness when applied to specific goals. There is much research behind visualization and emotional changes, as it has been shown that positive thoughts have an impact on the brain’s biochemistry. Many psychologists ask people to imagine or picture what they would like in their life, creating a mental state that makes the person think that it is achievable. “If you experience that visualization with your eyes closed, your mind doesn’t know if it’s real or unreal,” says Mary Ann Troiani, co-author of Spontaneous Optimism. “Neuropsychological ways makes them feel as though they have it and tricks the mind into thinking they have [what they are visualizing] now. It makes them more confident about it.”

19. Smile

Go ahead. It won’t hurt you. It might actually make you happier, too. Based on the psychology that a person feels whatever emotion they are acting at the moment, you will probably feel better if you smile. To avoid what is called cognitive dissonance, in which our thoughts and actions don’t match up, our minds react to the change in our facial expression to bring our beliefs in line with our behavior. And, like laughter, it’s contagious. If you smile, chances are that those around you will too.

20. Marry Happy

Since there may be no point in marrying rich (see previous), then marry happy. Research shows that depressed singles receive greater psychological benefit — from things such as intimacy and emotional closeness — from getting married than those who are not depressed. And for the married population, first of all, congratulations: people in committed relationships have been shown to be happier than those who aren’t, despite how satisfying their marriages actually are. Research done by an economist at the University of Warwick suggests that if you’re married to someone who is happy, then you are happy as well. The research concludes that happiness, like material things in a marriage, is shared. Awww…

Sexual Threats Stifle Some Female Bloggers

A female freelance writer who blogged about the pornography industry was threatened with rape. A single mother who blogged about “the daily ins and outs of being a mom” was threatened by a cyber-stalker who claimed that she beat her son and that he had her under surveillance. Kathy Sierra, who won a large following by blogging about designing software that makes people happy, became a target of anonymous online attacks that included photos of her with a noose around her neck and a muzzle over her mouth.

As women gain visibility in the blogosphere, they are targets of sexual harassment and threats. Men are harassed too, and lack of civility is an abiding problem on the Web. But women, who make up about half the online community, are singled out in more starkly sexually threatening terms — a trend that was first evident in chat rooms in the early 1990s and is now moving to the blogosphere, experts and bloggers said.

A 2006 University of Maryland study on chat rooms found that female participants received 25 times as many sexually explicit and malicious messages as males. A 2005 study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project found that the proportion of Internet users who took part in chats and discussion groups plunged from 28 percent in 2000 to 17 percent in 2005, entirely because of the exodus of women. The study attributed the trend to “sensitivity to worrisome behavior in chat rooms.”

Joan Walsh, editor in chief of the online magazine Salon, said that since the letters section of her site was automated a year and a half ago, “it’s been hard to ignore that the criticisms of women writers are much more brutal and vicious than those about men.”

Arianna Huffington, whose Huffington Post site is among the most prominent of blogs founded by women, said anonymity online has allowed “a lot of those dark prejudices towards women to surface.” Her site takes a “zero tolerance” policy toward abusive and excessively foul language, and employs moderators “24/7” to filter the comments, she said.

Sierra, whose recent case has attracted international attention, has suspended blogging. Other women have censored themselves, turned to private forums or closed comments on blogs. Many use gender-neutral pseudonyms. Some just gut it out. But the effect of repeated harassment, bloggers and experts interviewed said, is to make women reluctant to participate online — undercutting the promise of the Internet as an egalitarian forum.

Robert Scoble, a technology blogger who took a week off in solidarity with Sierra, said women have told him that harassment is a “disincentive” to participate online. That, he said, will affect their job prospects in the male-dominated tech industry. “If women aren’t willing to show up for networking events, either offline or online, then they’re never going to be included in the industry,” he said.

The treatment of women online is not just an equivalent of what happens offline, some women say. The Internet allows the content to be seen immediately, often permanently and far more widely than a remark scribbled on a restroom wall.

“The sad thing is, I’ve had thousands of messages from women saying, ‘You were a role model for me,’ ” Sierra said in an interview, describing communications she received after suspending her blog. Sierra was the first woman to deliver a keynote speech at a conference on the Linux operating system. Her blog was No. 23 in the Technorati.com Top 100 list of blogs, measured by the number of blogs that linked to her site.

Her Web site, Creating Passionate Users, was about “the most fluffy and nice things,” she said. Sierra occasionally got the random “comment troll,” she said, but a little over a month ago, the posts became more threatening. Someone typed a comment on her blog about slitting her throat and ejaculating. The noose photo appeared next, on a site that sprang up to harass her. On the site, someone contributed this comment: “the only thing Kathy has to offer me is that noose in her neck size.”

On yet another Web site came the muzzle photo, which struck her as if she were being smothered. “I dream of Kathy Sierra,” read the caption.

“That’s when I got pushed over the edge,” she said.

In what she intended to be her final blog post last month, she wrote:

“I have cancelled all speaking engagements.

“I am afraid to leave my yard.

“I will never feel the same. I will never be the same.”

She received thousands of comments expressing outrage, including e-mails from women attesting to their own ordeals, “saying I got this. I got that. I went underground. I blogged under a pseudonym,” she said.

Two factors can contribute to the vitriol, experts said: blogging in a male-dominated field, such as technology, and achieving a degree of prominence.

Susan Herring, a professor of information science at Indiana University, said each new online venue has been greeted with optimism because the early adopters tend to be educated, socially conscious people who think the form engenders community. Even as recently as 2003, she said, it was relatively rare to find negativity on blogs.

Now, she said, blogs risk becoming “nastified,” at least in the comment zones.

Kathleen Cooper, the single mother, said she began to experience harassment about five years ago after she posted a retort on a friend’s blog to a random blogger’s threat against a friend. The harasser began posting defamatory accusations on Cooper’s site, on his blog and then on a site that purports to track “bad businesses.” He said that he could not be responsible for what “his minions” might do to her, she said.

Cooper, 37, who lives in Sarasota, Fla., has tried password-protecting her site. She and five other women have asked the man’s Web site server to shut him down, but he revives his site with another server. Law enforcement officials laugh it off, she said, “like ‘Oh, it’s not a big deal. It’s just online talk. Nobody’s going to come get you.’ ”

Some female bloggers say their colleagues just need thicker skin. Columnist Michelle Malkin, who blogs about politics and culture, said she sympathizes with Sierra but has chided the bloggers expressing outrage now. “First, where have y’all been? For several years, the unhinged Internet underworld has been documented here,” she wrote, reposting a comment on her site that called for the “torture, rape, murder” of her family.

Report the serious threats to law enforcement, she urged. And above all: “Keep blogging. Don’t cut and run.”

But Herring said Malkin is in a minority. “There’s a whole bunch of women who are being intimidated,” she said. They include academics, professional programmers and other women normally unafraid to speak their minds.

“I completely changed,” said a professor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to avoid further harassment. “I self-censor like crazy because I don’t feel like getting caught up in another round of abuse.”

Some bloggers have called for a voluntary code of conduct, including a ban on anonymous comments. But other bloggers resist because it seems like a restriction of free speech. The founders of BlogHer, a 10,000-member online community supporting women, said the best way to enforce civility on a blog is for each site to create its own rules — such as removing abusive comments — then make the rules public and apply them fairly.

Herring said the decline in women’s participation in chat rooms was ominous. “If we see a lot of harassment in the blogosphere, will we see a decline in women blogging? I think we will.”

…I love this section of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. They take time out to question oft-repeated claims with sarcastic and realistic humor.

Since watching a few of these episodes this season, I often find myself asking/saying “Really?” to things I see/heard/read about Mary Kay.

Mainly the phrases:

1. You can do it!
2. You can have it all!

Really?

You can hear these words at any MK meeting, Guest Event, or peppered in any NSD speech worldwide.

Look at so-and-so, she is no different than you and me. If she can do it, you can do it! They even use Mary Kay’s hallowed sainted words as Gospel, “You can anything in this world that you want if you’re willing to work hard enough and pay the price.” Sound familiar? That was actually a Vince Lombardi quote that MK repeated.

Well folks, Mary Kay was wrong (so was Vince). Now before you go labeling me an anti-MKr (cuz I’m not), understand what I’m saying.

There are simply some things in this world we will NEVER HAVE, no matter how hard we work for them or how much we want them, nor how much we’re willing to pay for them. That is reality. That is the truth.

And there is nothing wrong with that! It may not tickle the ears or inspire people to buy large inventories, but it is the TRUTH and that is far sweeter and reaps far more fulfilling results than half-truths designed to inspire twice-baked expectations. It is when we start believing that there IS something wrong with not always getting what we want, think we deserve, or work hard for, that we start causing ourselves (and possibly others around us) pain.

Part of the problem, in my opinion, especially among American consultants, is this well-imprinted capitalist concept, that we’re supposed to “get what we pay for.” And because so much of the Mary Kay Dream is tied to financial investment, it is hard not to feel cheated, robbed, raped, and/or violated when no matter how much we invest in time/talent/treasure ($), the end result is not what we bargained or even PAID FOR! But that end-result may well be the natural and normal consequence of trying to build a business of this type in an environment/market that is not particularly warm/ready and/or trying to do so at the wrong time in our lives or the lives of those who would be our customers. What sells in Peoria no longer defines or drives what happens in the rest of the US.

In my estimation, the heart and core of the “Mary Kay Problem” is that far too many consultants are sold a bill of goods, and when there is no return on that (oftentimes rather hefty) investment, the Company itself bears the burden of that inevitable failure. And we can argue ad infinitum as to whether or not the Company fairly shoulders that burden when it is placed on their shoulders by their own salesforce (engaging in activities that many would say they encourage and reward).

So it is viewed as disingenuous on the back-end of things, to tell “failed” consultants/directors, “Oh well, that’s business, nothing personal…” when in fact every decision they made and every dollar they invested WAS personal, based on relationships, trust, and the oft-uttered-never-challenged credo repeated 5 times a day (at least) at Seminar itself in Mary Kay’s own impassioned and comforting tone, “You can DO IT! You CAN have it all!”

The truer likelihood is that:

1. She can’t
2. She won’t
3. She didn’t really want to to begin with but someone convinced her it was time for her to run with the “Big Girls.”

Yes, everyone who wants to be a consultant should try. Yes, everyone who wants to be a Director should try. Yes, everyone who wants to be an NSD should try.

BUT, at what level of investment are these attempts made? And what representation is given to someone at the attempt-stage to help her make sound business decisions as she goes?

As I see it, generally the only thing driving leadership-attaining-car-winning inventories/production is the IDEA/HOPE/FERVENT-DESIRE to be at a level one has not yet attained. Little, if any attention is paid to mastering the sales/relationship-skills required at each level of consultancy into leadership. Do It Fast is the tone of the day.

Are the stories we hear on the various anti-MK sites true? Who knows? Does it really matter? It is very difficult, if not impossible, to validate/verify every story that is told on these various sites, but over time, it is hard to ignore the same/similar story being repeated by women from all walks of life nationwide. What is important is not so much the veracity of each and every tale of woe, but the pattern/trend that forms when you take all these elements of experience in aggregate.

What I see is the 99% very angry and disaffected because they were sold a 1% dream, and they made business decisions on 1% thinking instead of 99% thinking, and their personal tolerances for risk were not able to withstand the pressure/consequences of near-sure failure of achieving the 1% Dream.

So, what makes MK “really” work for me is:

1. Not getting caught up

2. Knowing my financial tolerance for risk

3. Having my own personal definition of MK success that has very little to do with my Director’s (although she and I are friends and actually like each other as people and my decisions about MK have never negatively affected our relationship and ability to get along)

What works for you (if you’re still in)?

What would have worked for you (had you stayed in)?

What can you change (if you’re on the fence)?

Fallen Eagles

Rabbi Marc Gellman

Almighty God,

We ask your blessings of comfort descend like the dew of Heaven for the families of those whose children shed their blood into the concrete and spring grass of a place they had come to for learning and not for death.

We pray also for those who are injured that they might be healed speedily and in our time. We pray for those who believe in You and we pray for those who do not believe in You. May they all find their way through this avalanche of grief and woe by their own lights and by the strength of their friends and families. Comfort them all and heal them all from the wounds of this terrible day.

We also pray for those students and their friends and families who, though not wounded physically, have been traumatized by this senseless act of carnage on their campus and in their lives. Help them to overcome their fear. Strengthen them to face the Springtime of their lives with a wounded but still intact hope.

Heal O Lord, we also pray, all the parents and protectors of all the children who are sent off to all the schools in all the mornings of our lives. Help them to let their children go to school with a smile and a kiss and not a tug and a tear. We know that the chances of such a bloodbath engulfing them are remote, but like lightning or a sudden storm, we know that the chances for complete safety are an illusion in our wounded world. We truly and sorrowfully know that some storms cannot be weathered. So it is with the storm of murderous evil on this day. We know that we must let them go, but today we do not want to let them go. Today we only want to hold them close. Help us all to live with the terrifying challenge of freedom and fate.

In Exodus 19:4 we read that You took us out of Egypt on eagle’s wings. The symbolism of this is lost to many of us who do not know the way of eagles. Those who watch eagles know that they teach their young to fly by pushing them out of their nests built upon high cliffs and then flying close to them as their chicks fall and flap their untested young wings. When their young fall too far, the eagle parents swoop down, catch their young on their pinion feathers, and flip them upward into the sky to save them from the rocks below and to give them another chance to reach the sky. Eagle parents do catch most of their eagle fledglings. We know this because there are still eagles in the sky. Still, we know that they do not—they cannot—catch them all. Nor can we.

Oh dear God, heal us from our grief at the sight of our fallen eagles. Help us, but mostly help them to find a way to believe Springtime and the blue sky still beckons.

Amen

Yup, today is the day! 37 years YOUNG! LOL!!!

I hope you all have as wonderful a day as I’m having!

Long, but worth the read…Enjoy!

Speaking of the Faults of Others

by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron©

“I vow not to talk about the faults of others.” In the Zen tradition, this is one of the bodhisattva vows. For fully ordained monastics the same principle is expressed in the payattika vow to abandon slander. It is also contained in the Buddha’s recommendation to all of us to avoid the ten destructive actions, the fifth of which is using our speech to create disharmony.

The Motivation

What an undertaking! I can’t speak for you, the reader, but I find this very difficult. I have an old habit of talking about the faults of others. In fact, it’s so habitual that sometimes I don’t realize I’ve done it until afterwards.

What lies behind this tendency to put others down? One of my teachers, Geshe Ngawang Dhargye, used to say, “You get together with a friend and talk about the faults of this person and the misdeeds of that one. Then you go on to discuss others’ mistakes and negative qualities. In the end, the two of you feel good because you’ve agreed you’re the two best people in the world.”

When I look inside, I have to acknowledge he’s right. Fueled by insecurity, I mistakenly think that if others are wrong, bad, or fault-ridden, then in comparison I must be right, good, and capable. Does the strategy of putting others down to build up my own self-esteem work? Hardly.

Another situation in which we speak about others’ faults is when we’re angry with them. Here we may talk about their faults for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s to win other people over to our side. “If I tell these other people about the argument Bob and I had and convince them that he is wrong and I’m right before Bob can tell them about the argument, then they’ll side with me.” Underlying that is the thought, “If others think I’m right, then I must be.” It’s a weak attempt to convince ourselves we’re okay when we haven’t spent the time honestly evaluating our own motivations and actions.

At other times, we may talk about others’ faults because we’re jealous of them. We want to be respected and appreciated as much as they are. In the back of our minds, there’s the thought, “If others see the bad qualities of the people I think are better than me, then instead of honoring and helping them, they’ll praise and assist me.” Or we think, “If the boss thinks that person is unqualified, she’ll promote me instead.” Does this strategy win others’ respect and appreciation? Hardly.

Some people “psychoanalyze” others, using their half-baked knowledge of pop-psychology to put someone down. Comments such as “he’s borderline” or “she’s paranoid” make it sound as if we have authoritative insight into someone’s internal workings, when in reality we disdain their faults because our ego was affronted. Casually psychoanalyzing others can be especially harmful, for it may unfairly cause a third party to be biased or suspicious.

The Results

What are the results of speaking of others’ faults? First, we become known as a busybody. Others won’t want to confide in us because they’re afraid we’ll tell others, adding our own judgments to make them look bad. I am cautious of people who chronically complain about others. I figure that if they speak that way about one person, they will probably speak that way about me, given the right conditions. In other words, I don’t trust people who continuously criticize others.

Second, we have to deal with the person whose mistakes we publicized when they find out what we said, which, by the time they hear it, has been amplified in intensity. That person may tell others our faults in order to retaliate, not an exceptionally mature action, but one in keeping with our own actions.

Third, some people get stirred up when they hear about others’ faults. For example, if one person at an office or factory talks behind the back of another, everyone in the work place may get angry and gang up on the person who has been criticized. This can set off backbiting throughout the workplace and cause factions to form. Is this conducive for a harmonious work environment? Hardly.

Fourth, are we happy when our mind picks faults in others? Hardly. When we focus on negativities or mistakes, our own mind isn’t very happy. Thoughts such as, “Sue has a hot temper. Joe bungled the job. Liz is incompetent. Sam is unreliable,” aren’t conducive for our own mental happiness.

Fifth, by speaking badly of others, we create the cause for others to speak badly of us. This may occur in this life if the person we have criticized puts us down, or it may happen in future lives when we find ourselves unjustly blamed or scapegoated. When we are the recipients of others’ harsh speech, we need to recall that this is a result of our own actions: we created the cause; now the result comes. We put negativity in the universe and in our own mindstream; now it is coming back to us. There’s no sense being angry and blaming anyone else if we were the ones who created the principal cause of our problem.

Close Resemblances

There are a few situations in which seemingly speaking of others’ faults may be appropriate or necessary. Although these instances closely resemble criticizing others, they are not actually the same. What differentiates them? Our motivation. Speaking of others’ faults has an element of maliciousness in it and is always motivated by self-concern. Our ego wants to get something out of this; it wants to look good by making others look bad. On the other hand, appropriate discussion of others’ faults is done with concern and/or compassion; we want to clarify a situation, prevent harm, or offer help.

Let’s look at a few examples. When we are asked to write a reference for someone who is not qualified, we have to be truthful, speaking of the person’s talents as well as his weaknesses so that the prospective employer or landlord can determine if this person is able to do what is expected. Similarly, we may have to warn someone of another’s tendencies in order to avert a potential problem. In both these cases, our motivation is not to criticize the other, nor do we embellish her inadequacies. Rather, we try to give an unbiased description of what we see.

Sometimes we suspect that our negative view of a person is limited and biased, and we talk to a friend who does not know the other person but who can help us see other angles. This gives us a fresh, more constructive perspective and ideas about how to get along with the person. Our friend might also point out our buttons – our defenses and sensitive areas – that are exaggerating the other’s defects, so that we can work on them.

At other times, we may be confused by someone’s actions and consult a mutual friend in order to learn more about that person’s background, how she might be looking at the situation, or what we could reasonably expect from her. Or, we may be dealing with a person whom we suspect has some problems, and we consult an expert in the field to learn how to work with such a person. In both these instances, our motivation is to help the other and to resolve the difficulty.

In another case, a friend may unknowingly be involved in a harmful behavior or act in a way that puts others off. In order to protect him from the results of his own blindness, we may say something. Here we do so without a critical tone of voice or a judgmental attitude, but with compassion, in order to point out his fault or mistake so he can remedy it. However, in doing so, we must let go of our agenda that wants the other person to change. People must often learn from their own experience; we cannot control them. We can only be there for them.

The Underlying Attitude

In order to stop pointing out others’ faults, we have to work on our underlying mental habit of judging others. Even if don’t say anything to or about them, as long as we are mentally tearing someone down, it’s likely we’ll communicate that through giving someone a condescending look, ignoring him in a social situation, or rolling our eyes when his name is brought up in conversation.

The opposite of judging and criticizing others is regarding their good qualities and kindness. This is a matter of training our minds to look at what is positive in others rather than what doesn’t meet our approval. Such training makes the difference between our being happy, open, and loving or depressed, disconnected, and bitter.

We need to try to cultivate the habit of noticing what is beautiful, endearing, vulnerable, brave, struggling, hopeful, kind, and inspiring in others. If we pay attention to that, we won’t be focusing on their faults. Our joyful attitude and tolerant speech that result from this will enrich those around us and will nourish contentment, happiness and love within ourselves. The quality of our own lives thus depends on whether we find fault with our experience or see what is beautiful in it.

Seeing the faults of others is about missing opportunities to love. It’s also about not having the skills to properly nourish ourselves with heart-warming interpretations as opposed to feeding ourselves a mental diet of poison. When we are habituated with mentally picking out the faults of others, we tend to do this with ourselves as well. This can lead us to devalue our entire lives. What a tragedy it is when we overlook the preciousness and opportunity of our lives and our Buddha potential.

Thus we must lighten up, cut ourselves some slack, and accept ourselves as we are in this moment while we simultaneously try to become better human beings in the future. This doesn’t mean we ignore our mistakes, but that we are not so pejorative about them. We appreciate our own humanness; we have confidence in our potential and in the heart-warming qualities we have developed so far.

What are these qualities? Let’s keep things simple: they are our ability to listen, to smile, to forgive, to help out in small ways. Nowadays we have lost sight of what is really valuable on a personal level and instead tend to look to what publicly brings acclaim. We need to come back to appreciating ordinary beauty and stop our infatuation with the high-achieving, the polished, and the famous.

Everyone wants to be loved – to have his or her positive aspects noticed and acknowledged, to be cared for and treated with respect. Almost everyone is afraid of being judged, criticized, and rejected as unworthy. Cultivating the mental habit that sees our own and others’ beauty brings happiness to ourselves and others; it enables us to feel and to extend love. Leaving aside the mental habit that finds faults prevents suffering for ourselves and others. This should be the heart of our spiritual practice. For this reason, His Holiness the Dalai Lama said, “My religion is kindness.”

We may still see our own and others’ imperfections, but our mind is gentler, more accepting and spacious. People don’t care so much if we see their faults, when they are confident that we care for them and appreciate what is admirable in them.

Speaking with Understanding and Compassion

The opposite of speaking of the faults of others is speaking with understanding and compassion. For those engaged in spiritual practice and for those who want to live harmoniously with others, this is essential. When we look at other’s good qualities, we feel happy that they exist. Acknowledging people’s good qualities to them and to others makes our own mind happy; it promotes harmony in the environment; and it gives people useful feedback.

Praising others should be part of our daily life and part of our Dharma practice. Imagine what our life would be like if we trained our minds to dwell on others’ talents and good attributes. We would feel much happier and so would they! We would get along better with others, and our families, work environments, and living situations would be much more harmonious. We place the seeds from such positive actions on our mindstream, creating the cause for harmonious relationships and success in our spiritual and temporal aims.

An interesting experiment is to try to say something nice to or about someone every day for a month. Try it. It makes us much more aware of what we say and why. It encourages us to change our perspective so that we notice others’ good qualities. Doing so also improves our relationships tremendously.

This is loads of fun! Try it!

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