Well the good Lord has had his hand on me today to such a degree that I have not picked up an addictive bite of food in more than 24 hours. This felt easy on meal number one, and then hard, really hard.

Yesterday I was full of hope and had a settled heart of conviction that this was what I needed to commit myself to. And I liked the feeling of being settled and committed.

Today I didn’t. Today felt different. I didn’t feel near to God. I felt tired and heavy, just an emotional heaviness settling on to me. Where my heart had a peaceful settling yesterday, today felt like a monumental weight landed upon it. Now as I’m writing that, I’m wondering if it is the weight of my cross? Jesus told me to pick up my cross and follow Him. I was ok with laying down other forms of spiritual practices, laying down my right to relate romantically, laying down my career prospects, my money, my heart, my mind- everything felt hard but not impossible to give to God.

But my plate? My bowls? Or more importantly, what was in them and on them… My fork and what was on the end of it? Uh uh. No way. It’s like I thought somehow the bottom of the bowl was the bottom of the rainbow, and some kind of substance of deep value was going to fill me if I just kept eating. I didn’t want to give them to God, not really.

I also know I love my sin. I love eating when I get the chance to take a break from life or just have unstructured time. I don’t even have to think about what to do next, my brain and body carry me straight to the kitchen. Eating is such an enjoyable and tactile experience full of flavors and distraction, and it has an immediate effect on my disposition. I like it so much it’s pretty hard to stop me once I’ve started, but only if no one is watching.

Facing loneliness, or uncertainty, or desire for something amorphous I cannot grasp, is not something I often did without food. Now I could certainly face those things with food. Snacks are a great copilot, ask anyone who has road-tripped! But to be honest with you, they have been leaving me feeling like an empty bowl. Even if I fill myself to overflowing with food, at the end of a binge, I still feel empty. I want God and His love in that empty place inside. He’s the only truly satisfying thing that can fill.

And here’s the other thing- I truly have tasted and seen that the Lord is GOOD. So so so good. I love Him and I know He loves me, though I wish I could hook myself up to an IV of his love so it would constantly be flowing through me. He is the living water and He really does satisfy. The problem is, I don’t always act like I know that and so I still search for satisfaction in a couple more bites.

But by His grace alone- by the mighty power of my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I’m abstinent today. Lord please make it last and give me the strength to make it through the rest of the day.

Also my stats today: 164.6 lbs and 5’3

I prayed before I got on the scale that the number wouldn’t wreck my whole heart for the day and the Lord held me fast in that. He’s also been showing me that finding my identity in weight loss success, or a specific program, or in abstinence itself will never work. I have to settle in my heart that it’s Him and Him alone that I find my meaning, identity, purpose, value, worth, and love in. If I try to find it in perfecting my body or even having the perfect food plan, I will lose my peace and contentment that comes from resting and relying on Him.

“Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.”

Isaiah 30:15

Thank you, Lord, for the grace to do this. One day to me is huge. I love you, Jesus.

To you be the glory, forever.

“I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:7-10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I am currently participating in an amazing training program with a women’s health coach named Allie Mcphee, aka the Modern Goddess. While trying to gain clarity around my purpose, and speak to the tribe of people I wish to connect with and serve, she gave me this exercise of 4 questions to help me illuminate the things I have overcome, and how they may contribute to my own sense of purpose.

I found it to be a tremendous help for me in acknowledging my gifts and all the challenges I have found my way through. It gave me a quite a bit of confidence and strength to step into the ring of service, which can be intimidating and can also cause some fear to rise up in us at times, especially when we believe we aren’t ready yet or don’t have anything to offer because we aren’t 100% healed. You can help people even while you are working on yourself!

I offer you these 4 questions to answer on your own accord, as well as my answers. I have had the blessing of working with hundreds of students and clients, and I know for certain that I learned more from working with each of them than I could ever hope to teach. Thank goodness for connection and that we are all in this together.

4 Questions!

1. Was there a life’s challenge that you overcame? What was it and why was it challenging? Share your story with vulnerability and emotions:
2. How did you heal? (What tools did you use to facilitate healing and transformation? This is your personally developed medicine cabinet!) 
3. How can you help others in a similar place?
4. After answering these questions, are you clear on what your dharma/purpose is? How are you already living this dharma? In what ways could you offer your gifts?

If you would like to share your answers and insights with me, I would be delighted. My email is amandahummer333@gmail.com. Also if you would like to schedule a Shamanic Reiki healing session or a soul clarity call, please inquire at the above email. Sending you love and liberation for your path!

And now I shall share my answers below!

Was there a life’s challenge that you overcame? What was it and why was it challenging? Share your story with vulnerability and emotions:

I have had many life challenges, its hard to narrow my focus. But, I believe the greatest thing I have overcome is the incredible force that is the dark night of the soul, in all its ferocious emotional waters. I broke open over and over, with no one but myself to put the pieces back together at times. I lost my sense of self in a series of relationships with men, self harmed with bulimia, poisoned myself with alcohol, was in a complete state of poverty (and in denial about it), lost my position as a leader in a yoga community that I cherished, and burned many bridges due to my seeming inability to function at times. Without going as far as saying I had a psychotic breakdown, it almost came to that. I was only feeling the darkness, and death seemed like a beautiful promise of an escape to freedom. I became obsessed with near death experiences, as I wanted to find out where I would go if I did die in this state. Food was my best friend and most abusive relationship. I binged multiple times a day, sometimes multiple drive-throughs per day, and then sent it all down the toilet in a purge. Doing this was obviously painful, but at the same time brought a sense of euphoria and a numbness to the emotional pain. Even though I did not turn the destructive bus around all at once, I did make the choice to join a recovery community, and begin to rebuild the raw foundation of my life. It is still in process, but I always knew in my heart that my internal work and healing would take time, be very painful, and ask me to do things I never thought I would be courageous enough to do. My very favorite healing song from this time in my life is “You Can’t Rush Your Healing” by Trevor Hall. I knew I needed to find my true, authentic self and voice, and that it had been covered up with layers of metaphorical mud. I wanted to find a sense of belonging in the world, but I couldn’t do that if I didn’t belong to me. I was still trying to change my body to make it more acceptable and lovable, I was still holding back at times when I knew I needed to be truthful, I was still (although much less often) falling into old toxic patterns.  I also needed to realize that this mud-caked soul was just as holy and worthy as the light worker woman I also recognized within me. That was an interesting dichotomy to hold! Somehow I had to build a bridge, from my darkness to my light, and learn to play between the worlds. I knew that my journey was divinely designed by my soul, my creator, and my spirit team to learn to navigate the darkness and help shine a light for others who needed to make their way through similar landscapes. I literally was stopped in my tracks by the universe and forced to face my shit, my self, and my soul, as well as re-negotiate the soul contracts I was playing in. I needed this curriculum to build a well of wisdom within, however painful.  This was the trauma and pain that I had unconsciously attracted in the first 2/3 of my life- it was a lot. I had sexual abuse, alcoholism, poisonous relationships, mental health issues, and an eating disorder that were essentially eating me alive. I knew I had to learn how to dive into all of those poisonous energies and alchemize them into the divine medicine they possessed- which abounded from the darkness. Pain is one badass professor. I found those dark places to be rich with jewels, I just had to learn to be a compassionate witness to myself whether I was showing up as the highest version or falling into old patterns, the answer was always love, with plenty of truth and freedom thrown in. 

Basically it began 4 years or so ago when I realized I was living in the domestic utopia which was really a hell of half truths and masks. Artwork and quotes began to call to my soul, but I had no idea where they were going to take me… I only knew that there would be some storms ahead, and I wasn’t sure I would make it out alive or sane, but I knew I had to take the journey. I had to find me. I had to release the identities, strip away the fear and the masks, and be the being I was created to be. 

And as Brene Brown says, there’s a moment when the beautiful universe drops down, takes you by the shoulders, and says “listen, I am not messing around.” You are going to die one day, do you want to go knowing you did not do your work? No more running from your destiny. It’s time to walk toward truth, courage, purpose, and the reason you are down here. It’s a crossroads… you can keep walking away from your Self but when you do, expect a series of unfortunate events. They are pointing you back to true north. Don’t get me wrong, I had to do quite a bit of wandering in the desert (literally) and expanding myself to feel ready. I am never 100% ready for the next season of life, but I would rather take the risk of failure that will lead to growth rather than staying stuck in a loop of repeating circumstances. No sense repeating the lesson over and over. It is time to matriculate. 

“If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.”

How did you heal? (What tools did you use to facilitate healing and transformation? This is your personally developed medicine cabinet!) 

My medicine basket keeps growing and I LOVE IT!

I healed through turning within every single day- whether that be through meditation, journaling, quiet time in nature, I found a way to tune into my inner wisdom. Sometimes it was setting aside entire days to feel. To lay on my floor and breathe, receive healing, move through the density in whatever way I felt called. I knew life was going to keep throwing up brick walls if I didn’t find a way to deconstruct my inner blocks. So I diligently worked on myself, with as much love and compassion and spiritual support as I could muster.  I developed a deep and amazing relationship with spirit, which I allowed to be a constant unfolding, not holding too tightly to any idea in my mind, but instead allowing her to reveal herself to me. I used intuitive tools such as oracle cards that spoke to my soul, a pendulum, musical instruments and medicine songs (hearing my own voice speak my truth heals something within me), shamanic and holotropic breath work,  plant medicine (Kambo, hape, ayahuasca, huachuma, rose, sage, and psilocybin) with ceremony. Obviously I feel a huge draw to energy work- both giving and receiving, and I have experience Beyond Quantum Healing, Holy Fire Reiki, Cranio Sacral Therapy, Bodywork, and worked with psychics and mediums. The shamanic movement has a special place in my heart and in my opinion truly takes on endless forms, and I feel most of the people who are in my soul family have the shamanic archetype alive in them, while some know and tend to the fire, others have yet to fully embody it. I use movement such as dance and yoga which incorporates stillness, nature, and connection to beings who understand, allow, hold space, and receive me as I am. Plenty of shadow work as well as understanding myths and archetypes, and how they inform where I am in my story as any given moment. Vulnerability and openness- repairing harms done and having difficult conversations. Learning how to speak about my feelings, my needs, and the art of nonviolent communication. Learning about my body, my astrological chart, my unique inclinations and inner drives. I learned what makes me happy, what makes me peaceful, what keeps me inspired. I truly just followed my curiosity, while holding the intention of healing inside my heart at all times. 

How can you help others in a similar place?

I serve others by helping them tune into their soul voice, release resistance and come into alignment. I believe the best tool for this are the shamanic reiki energy sessions I offer 1 on 1, which truly unlock deep soul truths, create safe space for emotional release, and give incredible body awareness and openness to one’s own insight and intuition. People often say they see signs and synchronicities abound after sessions, and I think that’s because the signs are always there, but their system becomes open and able to receive those higher vibrations after being in the reiki energy. Because I feel these sessions are so beneficial, I want to teach others how to hold space in this way, first for themselves, and then for others. I want to help people see and connect with their own inner medicine man or medicine woman. I want to teach them how to use my favorite tool so that their healing basket can expand, as well as their own awareness of themselves and what needs to be looked at for them internally to move them along their path. 

After answering these questions, are you clear on what your dharma/purpose is? How are you already living this dharma? In what ways could you offer your gifts?

Yes, I believe I am clear. My dharma is to be a sacred space holder, energy worker/medicine woman who helps others step into their gifts and envision their dreams, while also being able to consciously navigate the shadow parts of the psyche. I believe I can help people navigate their spiritual awakening as well as the dark night of the soul, and also help them connect to their inner compass while on a healing journey. I want to create sacred healing circles, where each being brings their own medicine, and is given reverence and love. I also love to write and share my journey that way, so I believe part of my dharma will be sharing in that way. 

I hope in sharing my story, you may reflect upon your own life journey and all the mountains you have climbed to arrive in this moment. I pray that you receive love, support, clarity, and strength as you navigate this beautiful human journey!

Namaste, and No mistakes.

I love you!

I am practicing writing my way through the pain.
This is the easiest way for me to get it out.

I emerge from my shower and look around at the tsunami that has occurred in the kitchen and on the couch. For over 24 hours, I have been coming in and out of binges and purges, conscious and unconscious, and there is a mess of evidence left in my wake. Since living alone, I am used to the pile up of dishes, wrappers, empty containers and crumbs covering all surfaces. Pans coated in leftover residue. It was like looking at the wreckage that another part of me had left, and realizing that I was now the part that had to clean it up.

It is because of this darkness that I have often forgot the light. It is because of this unconscious consumption of food that I convince myself to hide, cover, and fix myself before I show up in the world. It doesn’t feel possible that something useful and lovable could mutually coexist with the beast inside of me. And yet, I often wonder if the beast isn’t precisely what my biggest lesson AND also offering to the world will be? I wonder if I could write through the wrappers, if my light could somehow still be visible through a belly full of peanut butter, and if my gift to the world could be born from a place of raw and inescapable compulsion?

It is likely no coincidence that yesterday, before the big binge/plunge into unconsciousness, a vulnerable part was exposed to the light. I had a therapy session and she asked me to visualize and describe myself having the relationship with food that I wanted. I had no idea that it would make me emotional, but deep feelings rose to the surface. I imagined myself feeling peace after eating. I saw myself finishing a meal and then gazing out the window and marveling at the sky, complete presence there. There was an absence of obsession, there was just ease. And then I had a vision of popping a piece of chocolate in my daughter’s mouth on a picnic blanket, and us laughing and feeling free. I realized I was never able to do those things before, and I think the feeling I felt about that was grief… grief because I had lost all those moments of presence in my own life thus far, because I was always so preoccupied with impulsive food behaviors or the controlling managers in my mind that prevented me from being with myself. Allowing myself to actually think of what I wanted also caused me pain because I truly wondered if I would ever have it.

After my session, things got really dark. I had a few huge binge/purge cycles, and then my tooth began throbbing inconsolably. The raw nerve pain climbed from a place of manageability to a 9 or 10 on the pain scale. I ended up crying out to God to please make it stop. I said out loud “I don’t want to be in my body.” This pain is so visceral, because it feels like the spirited part of you, your heart, and your fire, retreat from you. And you are left with an empty shell that simply follows the commands of the mind. And without the heart, and the inner fire, you’re left with some pretty mean bosses. Your resources dwindle, and you become a sack of bones, dried out and empty. Then, after the pain, just numbness. The numbness protects from those big feelings. It protects from the grief and despair and hopelessness, but it also protects you from the hope. Because the hope can be taken in an instant, and dreaming a pretty picture of the healthy, happy ideal that doesn’t bear any resemblance to reality feels like torture for the heart. Desires must be squashed, because they simply will not come true. They never have. And they never will. Unless….

Unless maybe I can be kind to myself through this. Unless maybe my tool box just doesn’t have all the tools yet. Maybe I need to retire the uniform of the warrior, put down my sword and my shield, release the battle, release the desire to kill my urges and cravings. And somehow pick up a softer, more graceful and easy medicine. Be poetic, nonjudgemental, compassionate, and loving. Look at myself and my patterns how I would look at one of my daughters if they had a struggle like this. With so much love… and a firm resolve to never give up. An understanding that hope and faith would waiver at times, because I am human, but that there can never be enough love. The love energy would win the day. And it needed to be amplified and reignited a lot, because those meaner voices had had their way for a long time. They needed love to. That’s what I have always been seeking.

I am also aware that people who develop eating disorders tend to be highly sensitive, empathic, and intuitive. They feel the world deeply, and they tend to internalize emotions and pain rather than expressing. This feels like the safest way to be. This safe space becomes more like a barrier to life, so no love can get in and its harder to let it flow out. From there, we assume we are doing it wrong, that we are bad and wrong, and so the barrier grows, and we collect more evidence why not to open up our draw bridge and allow ourselves to give and receive love.

On top of that, many of us are healing the inner victim archetype and have had our sensitivity and desire to keep others from pain lead to situations where we were taken advantage of, further amplifying our distrust of others. Healing this takes time, safe people, speaking our truth, learning how to navigate boundaries, and listening and heeding the call of intuition. Not easy, not always fun, but definitely necessary and worth the benefit of feeling like you can stand on your own two feet and make your own decisions.

One of my favorite musicians, Tash Sultana, was in a drug-induced psychosis as a teenager. For six months, after ingesting a psychedelic, she lost touch with reality. She used her musical skills to “play her way through the pain” and eventually back to sanity. She is a phenomenal artist, and her story just connected with me like a zing. I think somehow, within our gifts therein lies our medicine. The medicine we need to heal ourselves, and which will also help heal humanity.

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.

If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

Maybe I can write through the pain, and come out on the other side healed. Maybe self-compassion is the only weapon I need. I have been thinking about retiring the warrior archetype. I have worn her well, but something greater calls me. The mystic, the beloved, the healer. Some bigger and better shoes, the next version of myself. This one has love that knows no bounds. That eclipses even her own shadows, her own beasts, her own raw nerves. Given the most gentle, heartfelt, loving embrace, or even just free space to be who she is. TO connect with her spirit, renewing that embrace and having more moments of union between her human self and her spirit. Even the idea that it is possible means its worth trying.

So I ask you… what do you need to do to move through the pain? Is it sing, dance, dig in the dirt, write, draw, or walk in the woods until you remember who you are again?

Let’s try it. If we fail, we try again. Its part of the dance.

pan·dem·ic/panˈdemik

1. (of a disease) prevalent over a whole country or the world.

Pan meaning all, demo meaning people. The Coronavirus is a pandemic because it affects all people. It is ours to bear as a human species, regardless of where we live or what we do. It is all inclusive, which means it has unified us. We may all be responding in different ways each moment, but what it has required of humanity is a pretty major collective response. We stopped burning up energy constantly, and the planet began to breathe. Some of us are learning how to breathe as well, and paradoxically, some are dying from respiratory failure. We are learning to turn our focus in and up, to our hearts and to the sky. Asking heaven, what am I to do in this moment? How do I best serve? For me that’s been different every day, sometimes just caring for my family unit, my body, my soul, in whatever way feels the most true that day.

I have always loved stories, myths and archetypes, in particular getting to know powerful gods, goddesses, and spiritual beings. To me, they are woven in to our collective consciousness which makes them real as real can be. With the Pandemic, and the ALLNESS that we feel, its even more reason to be willing to suspend the mind and dive into the field of knowing, which comes from a much deeper, richer, all inclusive space. So I did a little diving into Greek mythology, when my curiosity was piqued by an email I received.

In Greek mythology, Prometheus stole fire from heaven, and bestowed it upon humanity. Prometheus became a figure who represented human striving, particularly the quest for scientific knowledge, and the risk of overreaching or unintended consequences. The delusional hubris of human beings to believe that they can control the world around them… all of our intricate systems and industrial leaps and bounds have come with some unintended consequences. Prometheus embodies the lone genius whose efforts to improve human existence could also result in tragedy. (Source: Wikipedia)

Zeus, the king of the gods, was angry that Prometheus gave us fire, and took vengeance by presenting Pandora, the first mortal woman to Prometheus’ brother. (Notice that word, PAN in her name. No coincidence.) Pandora Means “all gifts”.

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first mortal woman. Zeus gave her a jar containing all of the troubles and ills that mankind now knows, and told her not to open it. But Pandora was curious! And we all know what happened next…

What is less well known is that the Gods gifted her with other things besides the box, including many gifts of wealth. Poseidon bestowed on her a pearl necklace that would prevent her from drowning. Apollo taught her to play the lyre and to sing. Zeus gave her a foolish, mischievous and idle nature and Hera gave her the wiliest gift, curiosity. Hermes gave the mortal a deceptive heart and a lying tongue. Also, within her box beneath all the “evil” that was unleashed, she was left with hope. Much like where we are now.

Oh to be a mortal! And of course she’s female. Does this bear any resemblance to the first mortal woman in Christian mythology? Anyone recall a lady named Eve and her poisoned apple?

Apparently, I am not the first one to make this connection.

Some bells may be ringing, as the similarities between Pandora’s box and Eve’s apple seem too paralleled to ignore. I have also recently heard the theory that when mankind split the atom and created nuclear warfare that could literally destroy our species and the beloved rock we are floating on, that could have been the beginning of the era we find ourselves in. Was that us playing with fire, perhaps with the intent to survive and protect, but that truly did not belong in our hands? Humans, playing God? You could see how this might disturb the powers that be. Just sayin’.

It might have been Prometheus trying to piss off Zeus again. But from what I know about shamanic and indigenous practices, fire IS a spirit. It IS a power in and of itself, and when mankind uses it foolishly to accomplish his own selfish means, there’s a karmic backlash.

Hello Amazon and Australian Wildfires.

What I mean to say is that there are powers far greater than us, there are beings and energies that balance our earth plane, and we are to bow in humility and reverence to them. If you think you have the answer, the one and only truth, your learning is in its infancy.

Which brings me to my last PAN reference, the god PAN of course!

Pan is the God of the Wild, the wilderness. Pan is considered to be one of the oldest of Greek gods. Pan is having a major rebirth right now, not just because we’re invoking his name constantly, but also because nature is restoring as human activity slows due to lockdowns.

Also, ‘Panic‘ comes from the name of the Greek god Pan, who supposedly sometimes caused humans to flee in unreasoning fear. It is said that he died when Christ was born. And yet, it seems he is stirring and being invoked by us now more than ever.

And one final definition of Pandora, which is the name of a mollusk!

pan·do·ra/panˈdôrə/

1. a burrowing bivalve mollusk with a fragile shell, the unequal valves of which form a “box” with a lid.

I find this to be fitting for the times because we have all been put in our proverbial shells, our boxes, our homes. And we have been told to stay put. Get in our shells, however fragile, and remain there until this Pandemic is over.

It’s all very interesting. The Gods have spoken. I, for one, love my shell. I love adventure, I love myth, and I love being alive at this time. It’s fascinating to try to make meaning of it, and to accept that all our theories could be completely useless and speculative in the face of this pandemic. I just choose to remember that in the bottom of the box, under all the unspecified evils, sickness, and death, there was HOPE. We have that. And we have the resurgence of the WILD with Pan. And beyond that, the pantheon, which means ALL gods and goddesses. Because this affects all of us, we also have all of humanity in prayer. So much spiritual support coming through for us from all faiths, all beings, all hearts. This is a beautiful thing.

You and I are eternal… and we don’t have all power. We have power, indeed, but we would do well to bring that into alignment with divine will and the will of our souls, as soon as possible. If you are divided, you fall. If you have evil within you, you must humble yourself and pray to have it removed. And take the action that you are being guided to from above and within.

It cannot wait.

Blesssings, beloveds.

Hello, readers. Beautiful souls. There is so much I wish to share with you.

Where do I begin?

I will first briefly explain my choice of title for this blog. I was doing an intuitive drawing exercise the other day and needed a word for my drawing of a butterfly, whose midsection was a compass, coming out of the water. I knew the metamorphosis had occurred, and that the butterfly was emerging out of the depths of the ocean, so I combined it to form Metamerge. It is not technically a word, but it is my word to describe the wings I am growing since emerging from the cocoon of transformation. It is not the first cycle for me and I know it will not be the last. And I feel like there are cocoons within cocoons within cocoons, and butterflies within butterflies within butterflies, but such is the spiral of life, and why I love mandalas so much.

Anywho… I am going to tell you a story of a girl today.

There once was a girl. She had a complicated relationship with life. Her emotions, her body, her mind, and her spirit… every category felt like a mess. Life was confusing and hard, so she tried being any way she could that gained her love and acceptance. As time went by, she found that every person she encountered wanted her to be just a little different, and they seemed to change their minds a lot. This felt like a whirlwind, and the dance made her dizzy and often landed her flat on her back. More than trying on new identities and personas, like many teens do, she chose to hide her truth, freeze, numb, or change who she was depending on who she was with. The truth got so muddled in the midst of all this that she pretty much lost touch with it altogether. On a rare occasion, she encountered someone who seemed to know who they truly were and invited her to be herself.

But who was she? This was the scariest question of all. And of course, the answer depended on who was asking. Integrity, truth, virtue, will-power, self esteem, confidence were all swirling into a time capsule to be retrieved at a later date. They weren’t important at this point in her story. She had to lose them to find out how valuable they truly were.

The truth was, she didn’t know anymore. That scared the living crap out of her, and ended up getting her more lost as a way to cope with the pain of having no identity, and therefore, no inner compass. She tried to acquire titles, join clubs, go to a prestigious college, fit in with the cool kids, drink booze, and hook up with boys. She wasn’t selective about much, her partners, her college major, her friends… she was open to anyone and anything. She got hurt, A LOT. Shame, manipulation, control, emotional unavailability, and delusion took up most of the time in her schedule and had her life spinning in the direction of a downward spiral that no one could have stopped.

She acquired a DUI, an eating disorder, and substance abuse issues before she turned 21. Soon after, she got pregnant and had an abortion. She dropped out of college. She had nothing, she felt like she was less than nothing, and her only company were her friends anxiety and depression. Mary Jane and Booze used to soothe her, until getting high meant getting paranoid, and another arrest and another unplanned pregnancy left her in the infamous rock bottom that some of us live to tell the tale of, and are given the opportunity to take the bounce.

It has been said before that rock bottom can be the solid foundation upon which one can build a new life. When she thought of another abortion, her body responded with a full “FUCK NO“. It was off the table. So she thought… “maybe this is what’s right. I don’t know who I am, I haven’t made any decisions for myself (because who the hell knows who that is anyway?) but maybe I could make a decision for this growing being inside of me?” A decision was made. This was the first life-affirming decision she had made since she was probably 14 years old, and it gave her a bit of wind in her sails. She couldn’t pretend to feel real compassion or empathy or love yet, because she wouldn’t have known what any of those things felt like even if they hit her in the head with a hammer. But she did feel this spark, almost like the tiny promise of a seed. She felt her life force summoned back online, at least what was available to her at the time. She decided the least she could do was give the baby the gift of life, and in return, the baby gave her purpose and a warm glow from within.

She started keeping her meals down. She stopped drinking, save for a glass of wine or two the entire pregnancy. She started taking baths, journalling, and going to the library. She browsed the spiritual section, and stumbled upon Deepak Chopra. She had no idea why she was in the spiritual section, but she knew she was starting to open up to life after being on a highway to hell for so long. So many parts of her had been frozen and numbed in time. She knew she was in need of something, but what?

On the day her daughter came into the world, love cracked her open. Her baby girl was born and she was born again. Seeing life through her daughter’s eyes gave her new life, hope, and joy that she didn’t know existed for her. Motherhood saved her in many ways, but parts of her were still on fire, drowning, or completely frozen. Her intuition and instinct were injured and she was still riddled with anxiety, self doubt, confusion, and darkness.

She married the man who stepped in to be the father when she was pregnant (not the baby’s daddy). I won’t go into her love story for this blog, but as you can imagine, since her insides were tangled up, her relationship was a hot mess as well.

The young couple did the best they could, taking on parenting and marriage after only knowing each other a few months. They had another baby. This love opened them up even further, even deeper. A deep chasm within the marriage, and her being, allowed so much to come up to the surface, not all of it welcomed by her or her husband. The pictures of this family were beautiful, but behind the walls was emotional warfare. Words flew like bullets, and mistrust, jealousy, betrayal, control, and fear were the leading roles at this time. Through the tumult, our girl developed a stronger spirit, and became quite a badass warrior version of herself as well. Because of the challenges at home, she was forced into the cosmic fire which led her to learn about emotions, how to breathe, become physically stronger than ever, and eventually led to a full on love affair with yoga.

From this fountain of goodness and realness that had begun filling up on the inside, flowed inspiring yoga classes and a passion passed on to her community, even in the face of fear and resistance. She felt fueled by karmic and dharmic destiny. She was becoming who she was meant to be.

Then life absolutely fell apart, because it had to. Even though they attended therapy to salvage the relationship, it was over for her in her heart. She just didn’t have the guts to say so, so the universe stepped in and things got really interesting, the plot thickened, as they say. Their tree was struck by lightning, an ominous stirring from the spirit world that the “dark night of the soul” was coming. The tower card in the tarot is the best illustration for the events that would follow.

She couldn’t explain how she knew, but she was sure. Its sort of like how animals know when there will be a big storm… she knew that was coming for her, and she couldn’t escape it. She was going to have to learn to swim, or be drowned.

There were many moments that followed in the next couple years in which she thought she would die, and she would have welcomed the reprieve. Her little family moved to another state, she fell into depression and a severe bulimic relapse. She lost her way… and her life toolbox felt like a Fisher Price toy set trying to build a real grown up house. She was destitute, frustrated, exasperated, and everything she had tangibly built was crashing down around her. The marriage was essentially up in flames. Her body was being destroyed daily with massive binges and purges. Her soul was depressed and angry and she really had no idea how to stop the fires and the floods. Inside this internal chaos, however, a truth emerged like a glorious full moon in the sky, or an ice sculpture of a magnificent horse, or a Marquee Sign inside her heart, gut, and mind that said…

You need to leave your relationship. Your heart is not in it, and if you follow this knowing, you’ll be one step closer to your soul. You can try to save your marriage but in doing so, you’ll lose your soul. Choose wisely.

She had reached her first signpost. She knew it was the right thing because when she sat with the decision in the silence of her heart, she felt peace. And peace was quite a foreign feeling, and she knew she had to follow the knowing, no matter the cost. So she left. In tow, she had the only things that mattered- her dog, her daughters, and her heart. That was also a new feeling. She had grown far from her heart, and when it was returned to her, it beat in a new way. It was exciting, vital, and free.

She knew she had sailed her ship away from danger, and she began to sense that if this was possible, perhaps anything was? She took the seat in her life as the captain of the ship… and even though the sea of emotions was quite turbulent around her, she felt a lot more confident that perhaps she could learn to sail.

She managed to get a job, continue teaching yoga, and get a stable home environment for herself and her daughters. But parts of her still at war, which didn’t seem fair, as she had done the courageous thing of leaving her marriage. She assumed that everything would unfold perfectly as soon as she followed her heart, as that seemed to be the way things happened in stories. As it turned out, now that she was listening to her heart, she found out it had a LOT of dreams and wishes. It wanted so much, and now that it was out of its cage, it was quite insistent on getting its dreams heard, which was a bit overwhelming at times! It wanted travel, love, creativity, color, dance, freedom, and the resources to be able to do what it loved every day as well as share that. It wanted her to be living heaven on earth.

That was a problem because another part of her was still depressed, and it was quite scary at times when she felt completely blended with this part, as if the depression WAS her. She knew there was also a very real part of her that wanted to live, had many quests still to go on, and yet the dark emotions plagued her. Quite often she was hijacked by her bulimic part, convinced of her own inferiority, and shackled to her trauma, which was her soul crying out for help and healing. She knew she had to start thinking outside the box.

Einstein’s quote about not being able to solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it was ringing true. And the truth now had a quality she could recognize because it shot a zing up her spine or a tingle in her belly, or a swelling in her heart. She knew spirit was guiding her. She could feel it in her prayers and in her bones. And thank God for that, because embarking on the journey she was about to go on would have been impossible without a spiritual connection.

She came to know that anything she tried building was being placed on top of a rotting foundation of wounds that she had no clue how to clean up. Well really she realized this AFTER trying to start a business and have another grown up relationship with a man that her heart truly loved, that until she healed what was hidden beneath the surface, all she was going to manifest in the world was the pain she was carrying. What a conundrum! Her hidden parts were rearing their heads for attention and taking her legs out from underneath her. It seemed that no matter what she tried, she was taking one step forward and two steps back. Even though she was always being divinely guided, she only cooperated part of the time. Her spirit knew what to do, but her human couldn’t go that way until she slowed down to listen. She had to learn how to love each part, which can be a tall order when internal warfare is the usual climate. How do you get the depressed part to respect the wishes and dreams of the child? How do you indulge the body in the things it needs, like touch and exercise and nutrition, when you have parts that don’t want to get out of bed, can’t stop eating, and are literally terrified of intimacy?

A troubling place to be, indeed.

Add to the mix that most of her spare time was spent trying to figure out how the fuck to stop eating the contents of her kitchen and barfing them back up. Not fun.

The miracle and paradox is that the deeper she was willing to go within, the more expansiveness she was shown in the world. She did travel, she had Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey, she fell in love, she created, she fell apart, she learned about the art of ceremony and plant medicine, and she began her path as a healer. But that was halted in its tracks because she was both a medicine woman and a hot mess. She had not rectified or properly nurtured the parts of her that were traumatized, and so she found that her clients and life situations were reflecting the pain, anguish, and unresolved chaos inside of her.

As within, so without.

As above, so below.

But, she never gave up. Even in the moments when it became so hard to trust her path, to trust life, to believe that there was a reason she was still breathing. And dare I say, she is beginning to understand and love all the parts of her, and even if she doesn’t know them all yet. She now knows more ways to listen to them when they have something to communicate, and is committed to growing in this love.

She doesn’t want to fake it anymore. The truth has that zing. It is the remedy.

I am thankful to my storytelling part for giving us an abbreviated version of my life for today’s blog.

Now you will hear some final thoughts from ME! Myself. And I. Hehehe.

Internal Family Systems taught me that bringing Self Energy- Compassion, curiosity, courage, calm, confidence, creativity, connectedness, and clarity- to my parts, giving them each what they needed, can bring peace and ease to a disrupted system. I am definitely not complete with this work, I have actually just made a beginning, but I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I bring the Self in to connect with my parts, and now there are no more demons or villains within, just love or a part that needs love.

I am ready to welcome any part of me to be a guest in my inner home.

When I have no enemies within, I have no enemies without. I am recognizing that the greatest wisdom that I can put into practice right now is to Accept All, and Reject None. Thank you, Kim Krans. And as Dick Schwartz from the Self Leadership Academy says, there are no bad parts.

You could imagine my relief on hearing that. I have demonized the darkness but the truth is, all beings, no matter how villainous they seem, are seeking love. They want to be connected to something, and they can sometimes use unsavory means to get our attention.

Of course, inner harmony translates to peace on the outside, so all the diving you are brave enough to do within your own being, will create peace in the external world. Be curious, not judgmental. If you can bring compassion to your most damaged and deranged parts, it will naturally flow to the people in the world who also need love and acceptance.

And when in doubt, remember that a part of you knows, and has always known, what you are destined for. You will lose your way, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Consider that part of the growing and learning process. And remember that the treasure that you seek can be found in the cave you fear to enter. And that cave is not out there.

Its in you. Encapsulated in the cavern of your soul is a jewel so magnificent, this world cannot conceive of it. I believe that with 100% of my being for 100% of human beings.