Have you got anything planned for New Years Eve? Going to a party? Watching cool fireworks? (Gosh, I do miss Hogmanay).

Well, I’ll be at home watching telly with Gwil, sewing something on my ‘new’ sewing machine (I’m planning on making a kindle case) and waiting for my sister’s phone call to pick her up. Maybe I should get my arse out of the door and go watch the fireworks. Don’t feel bad for me though, I am happy to end this year with some calm.

2012 has been the toughest and most painful year of my life. I am completely heart broken having seen my mum battle with ALS, a form of motor neuron disease which gradually paralyses you, while retaining all your senses. The worse thing about ALS is that it slowly robs you of who you are as you can no longer do the things you love, eventually unable to talk to the people you love.  She passed away with me by her side on the 4th of November and I can say there were a couple of things that ALS did not destroy – her love for us and her sense of humour. I miss her everyday.

During this last year there were several occasions where I thought about setting up a blog to document what I was going through, mostly for stress relief. For several reasons, I didn’t. I thought about how morbid the content would be. It would have just been too depressing for anyone to read.  I think the truth is that I couldn’t bare write it, let alone read it. It’s just too painful to talk about. Perhaps in time I will be able to.

I also wanted to focus myself on positive things. But when you are in the thick of it, it’s hard to hold onto that positive side of yourself. That’s why towards the end of this year I started project Fi-nix, not the blog, the life project. I wanted to slowly change myself for the better by getting rid of bad habits and start my uphill climb towards a better life. So, I thought I should document this journey (using an overly dramatic metaphor) and with your encouragement, reach my goals. Wish me luck.

I sometimes lose heart and feel very hard done by with what’s happened in the last few years and with what happened to my mum. At times it makes me childishly angry, I just wanna do a cinematic scream to the heavens,  in the middle of the road and say “Come on, are you serious?”. I have to remind myself what has happened to me and my family it not the worst.

But there has always been one part of my life where I am undeservingly lucky – I have the most amazing friends, family friends, friends that are like family and family that are like friends. I thank you and love you all. Without you I would have not had and have the strength to carry on.

I wish you all a Happy New Year. I send my love and warmest wishes to you all.

PS. I learnt today that there is a Mexican new years tradition where you write down all the bad things that have happened in the last year and throw it in the fire to start afresh. Perhaps I will do that tonight. I am keen to start this year afresh and rise from the ashes.