Surviving a Narcissist

Escaping a narcissist

RainbowWomynLeave a comment

The below blog was written at one of the worst times of my life. I was married to a narcissist who would put everything on me and when it didn’t go her way, well, I was the one at fault. She made sure to tell me that I wasn’t good enough, and that when I was trying to take care of the kids, that I didn’t care about her well being. I dealt with that for almost nine years. I was trying to take care of my kids which was always a priority for me.  About four years into the relationship I realized with the help of counseling that I had in fact married a narcissist. When I realized that I started working on boundaries that should have been set at the beginning of the relationship, but with a narcissist they catch you by love bombing. For me since I had recently come out as lesbian, this is where she showed me “love”. She treated me like I had never been treated in any hetero relationship. She had me giddy and happy. We would go to each of our family gatherings or invite them over to our place. That slowly faded into no one coming over anymore and if we did  “plan” on family coming to visit then rest assured it would be canceled before it happened for whatever reason. I had to pretend it was nothing and act like nothing was wrong or she would threaten to leave. She acted like she accepted my kids. The changes started slowly. She would get mad if I had to cancel something because I needed to take care of something with my kids or even my family. She would yell and scream and I would steadily try to reason and explain. She would break me down then apologize. When we moved in together she made it clear that I shouldn’t be talking to my ex-husbands, even though I only talked to them strictly about my kids. She had set those rules but she was allowed to have her ex’s, the ones that had not blocked her on social media and her and her brother would openly stalk those ex’s that had her blocked, not that I had ex’s on social media, but she made sure that anyone that acted nice to me was someone I had to delete because if not I was having an affair. My friends that I had been friends with for years excepted my coming out and accepted my relationship but if they bought me a gift then I was interrogated. My special needs son, his teacher and I talked frequently about his education and progress in school. I was accused of having an affair with her, even though my wife was included in all conversations. I went through many jobs because if my wife was having any “problem or crisis” big or small when she text me or called and I didn’t automatically find a way to come home then I was told that I don’t care enough about  her. To be clear those “crisis” were something like she was drinking and talking to ex’s and when it didn’t go like she wanted she would have drunken meltdowns. I wasn’t allowed to question why she was even upset about the conversations but I was expected to leave my job and tend to her. Any plans we would make as a family would somehow be canceled last minute or within a day of the event because of one thing or another an her part. Sure, the kids and I could go without her according to her but I would catch another round of accusations if we ended going. When I quit engaging in her behavior and I set boundaries like going and doing stuff with my kids even though she didn’t want to go things got worse. I wasn’t at her beck and call anymore I wasn’t taking the bait that she was throwing at me. So she worked on a plan that took months to execute, she started secretly convincing family she was the victim and I didn’t care about her no matter how much she loved me and the kids, but in the end I found out and the kids and I left before she could take everything we owned and leave us with nothing. Yea, just like any narcissist she had convinced some people enough to believe her. That was fine what was important was that the kids and I got away from a narcissist. They work at building you up(love bombing) then tearing you down, breaking your spirit, isolating you from friends and family because they want all the attention on them. If the attention even slightly turns to someone or something else then best believe they will find a way to get it back on them. Its been almost three years since I got away from that abuse. The recovery doesn’t just happen overnight. I am in a better mental space that I was three years ago but I am still healing yet I am stronger than I was. I still know that just like all her other ex’s her and her brother or whoever she can convince still stalk my social media. That just like she played victim when she talked about her other ex’s to me that she is doing that now to the new supply or whoever will listen. Because I set those boundaries though she made the plan well ahead of time and when the kids and I left before she could carry through with her plan, it took control away from her and there is nothing a narcissist hates worse than not having the upper hand. But before it came to that the blog written below shows just how much a narcissist can break you.

“When your family is plagued with depression and mental problems someone has to be the one in charge.  That person has to  be strong and deal with everyone’s mental breakdowns or their anxieties. That person is me. I do so with love and understanding to the best of my abilities and know I do it because I Love my family not because I HAVE to. I am not allowed to have my own breakdowns or let things get to me. Strong is overstated. You have to be impenetrable metal that doesn’t bend or flex or give with all the pressure. You have to be able to remember to give everyone their medications and remember to take your own. I have to follow safety plans to keep everyone safe because trauma has inflected so much on your loved one that they have tried to take their lives or they have thoughts about harming other people. You have to be the keeper of all that is dangerous.  Jobs don’t understand, you will end up losing jobs just to take care of your family.  The people you take care won’t even understand.  They will be mad because you have lost a job and accuse you of being irresponsible and not be able to manage life because you can’t answer questions they feel you should answer.  They will accuse you of not taking into account how things make them feel.  When in reality you have been taking into account their feeling, their emotions, their actions along with the others in the house this whole damn time.   The kicker is you have depression as well so when life and anxiety get overwhelming for you the support you are supposed to have from your spouse and family isn’t there because they are a mess themselves. So suck it up buttercup, deal with life quit being selfish and quit causing so much anxiety on your wife and kids. That is what you’re supposed to do right? You don’t suffer from several ailments or major childhood trauma. You just have depression and some anxiety, you need to stay strong, right?! My words aren’t easy to articulate. I can explain some things in detail, and have no clue about how to explain something else.   I can be happy, I can work hard. I can’t struggle with work or have a bad day. My family depends on me too much.  When it happens and I lose my job like I did today I know now I have to juggle my sons safety plan , my wife’s anxiety and anger because “I’m not responsible, I don’t care about my job” all of that has to go well with my next job.   Its not anything that I can control but I am supposed to be a magic controlling of all things person and when I can’t I have let people down. My family has been let down.  I am a failure. I tried to contain my emotions and stay strong in all these uncontrollable things and that just blew the fuck up in my face. I come off  as non nonchalant and not caring when what I am trying to do is protect my loved ones. When you feel like everything is falling apart around you how do you fix that? How do you take care of your family and yourself?”

Loss of Innocence

RainbowWomynLeave a comment

As I was growing up I had several traumatic experiences and was basically an adult in a child’s body. I was still a child of course but in some instances I thought more on an adult level so I did not always do things kids my age would do. I was always being told that I was so mature for my age and people were just amazed at my politeness and socialization skills. In reality, I was awkward around my peers and had a very low self esteem. So I always told myself when I had children I would protect them from the traumas of life and they would get to be kids. It is hard enough raising a child in this day and age but it becomes ten times more complicated when your child loses their innocence.

innocense

What I learned is no matter how hard you try things happen to your kids even when you try to protect them. In this day and age is so hard to protect your child as a whole family but it is like the world knows in a broken home your kid is more susceptible to the harshness and predators of the world. This happens especially when two separate parent households parent completely different. In our house we have always limited internet and social media, guarded the kids against things that are not appropriate to watch. In the other house hold two of our kids were allowed unlimited access to internet and very adult things in the world. I say say both kids but one of our kids was exposed to so much their innocence was ripped from them before I knew what was going on.

Young Teen in front of a laptop computer and on a bed

I tried to co parent with their dad and even let our child live with their father because that is what they expressed they wanted to do. Little did I know over the course of 2.5 years my child would be exposed to sexual predators, they were told it was OK to do inappropriate things in public and told that those that cared for him( my wife and I) really didn’t care. When my child chose to speak of some of the things that were going on to their father it was brushed off and not even discussed with me. So nothing was done to protect this child. I sensed something was going on but could not get answers. During their formative developmental years they were allowed to watch adult content some legal(for adults) some shit was illegal and just plain sickening. All the while being told all this was OK to do. My child who was once so close to me started shutting me out. When they finally told me some stuff after over a year of it going on I tried to get them help only to be shut out of their life for over half a year. During that time more strangers took advantage of my child and still nothing was done until the child snapped and they were basically of no use to the other parent anymore and was forced into a hospital(still not addressing the behavior that caused the loss of innocence) and then abandoned by the other parent.

child lost 2

To me It was a blessing in disguise because now they are back home with us where there is love and support and structure. To my child it was a blessing as well but they are no longer an innocent child learning to become a young adult. They are a traumatized child trying to relearn what is appropriate and learn that they are a good person and wanted and loved. This child with childlike tendency and basically a grownup state was stuck feeling like they weren’t wanted and didn’t even know why.

They have to take time out of their week and address the things that have happened and that brings up anxiety and the added feeling of disgust in themselves. They have to avoid the things that kids their age normally do because it could be a trigger. They miss out on all the fun talk their friends do because they aren’t in the “know”. Their self esteem is so damaged they feel like a burden.

What I see is my child a loving caring kid who is discovering who they are. Prior to the trauma they were charismatic and full of life. All the trauma has caused self doubt and extreme anxiety and depression. They have come a long way since They have been back home with us. The anxiety isn’t as bad but they still have a long road ahead. 18 weeks of trauma therapy to make sure they can and will succeed as a functioning successful adult.

I used to think the worst feeling in the world is me losing my childhood but nothing compares to the hurt you see your child going thru when they lose their innocence.

The awesome thing to look at through all of this is there is hope for my child. Like I said they are home with us and there is love and support and acceptance. They get to be a child and even though the past cannot be undone they are learning in a positive way how to cope with and get past it.

Below is just one link to safe guard your children:

Click to access HSCB-Annual-Report-031017.pdf

Lesbian Love Scene

RainbowWomyn2 Comments

The movie was great! I don’t know what I enjoyed watching more, her or the movie. After the movie she invited me back to her place because we had agreed that neither one of us wanted the night to end.

When we pulled up to her house she got out of the car and rushed over to the passenger side to open my door. When we walked into her house she touched the small of my back as we entered into the house.

The feelings I got whenever she brushed up against me were indescribable. She offered me a glass of wine , which I gladly accepted. As we sat there talking about everything under the sun and moon gently touching each others hands, she really had no clue the heated spots she left on every part of my body she touched. When our lips met they fit perfectly together. Her beautifully butch lips tasted of the Mascato wine we had been drinking. She deepend the kiss and her tongue teased mine , she bit my lip and a fire lit in between my thighs. I let out a moan and leaned against her. she ran her hand under my shirt and cupped my breast, putting my hard nipple between her fingers. She let out a throaty lusty approval when she felt me weaken beneath her wondering hands. She pulled my shirt over my head and laid me back on the couch as she proceeded to make a sweet trail of kisses and nibbles down my neck. When she reached my bra she pulled it aside took my taunt nipple between her lips and flicked her tongue back and forth quickly over it. OH! GOD , I screamed and arched upwards. My whole body ached to touch hers. I wanted to run trails of kisses down her body. I wanted to tease her wonderfully plump breast with my hands and then my mouth. I reached up to pull her shirt off because I wanted to feel her skin touch my skin. I was so hot and wet, my sex was throbing and my pants were getting uncomfortable. She must have read my mind because when her lips were near my belly her hands gracefully unbuttoned my pants and she slide them off along with my panties and tossed them to the ground. I felt so relieved to be out of those jeans. My hot wetness ached for her touch. I was squirming as she came back up to tease my mouth again this time I teased her with my tongue and trailed a kiss down to her neck. She tasted so wonderful. She wasn’t finished with me though so she gave little laugh and told me to lay back and enjoy. I reached to tug at her pants, she knew I wanted them off so she obliged. She was so sexy in her sportsbra and boxers. She stood up and shed both of those, then pressed her naked body against mine as she slowly started trailing her fingers down my body leaving a trail of fire where ever she touched. She moved to my thighs and slowly dipped her hand in between them. Her hand was met with my hot wet eager sex wanting her touch. She slowly traced the lips of my sex, all the while the fire continually building inside me. She slipped a finger inside me and moved it back and forth while she took me into another deep kiss. I moved back and fourth with her movements letting out sounds of pleasure. She made another lusty sound pleased with my bodies reaction. My body was literally on fire from my head all the way to my toes and the center was red hot! Her sounds of approval along with her mouth and tongue teasing my breast and her fingers massaging my sex, I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to, my body arched in release as I soaked her hand with my cum. She lay the rest the way down beside me slowly kissing my quivering body til she got to my lips and kissed me gently. My hands traveled down her toned butch body to her breast I loved the way they felt under my hands. I deepen the kiss because I was fully aroused at how well she knew my body and was eager to touch hers. I rolled myself up until I was above her, kissing her and pressing my body against hers. I trailed kisses down her neck and nibbled my way to her breast. Her perfect pink hard nipples waiting for me to tenderly kiss them. I did just that and I heard her breath suck in. Her hand grabbing the top of my head, I slowly trailed down her body kissing every inch and loving her soft skin . I kissed her thighs and stopped to run my hands down her body so that I touched her wet sex. I could tell she really had enjoyed pleasing me. I looked at her with a sexy smirk as I played around the opening of her sex teasing her clit and slid my pinky finger into her waiting wetness. She moaned with excitement and it was my turn to let out the lusty sound of approval. I stared into her eyes as I moved my finger in and out slowly and watched as the fire of excitement burned bright in her eyes. I needed to taste her lips so I leaned up to take her into a deep kiss. I sat up and straddling her leg removed my finger from her sex and sucked her sweet juices off my finger. She moaned,” Oh My” and lifted her thigh up to brush against my still hot wet sex. I closed my eyes enjoying the moment, she tasted so sweet on my finger that I not only wanted but NEEDED to taste the source from which that yummy sweetness had come from. So I lowered my head down between her thighs. I ran kisses up both thighs and came to the center where the delicious sweet stuff was. I slowly licked the lips of her hot wet sex and felt her body react instantly and she let out a very sensual moan. I adjusted myself and draped her legs over my shoulders so I could have more access to please her. I dipped my tongue into the deep wetness and brought it back out running it up until I found her clit. Her hands had found my hair and she gripped my hair enjoying every minute of my tongue teasing and flicking her clit. I couldn’t help but feel my own body was nearing a climax just because I was pleasing her so well. I didn’t know that could even be possible. As I was enjoying her sweet deliciousness feeling her body arch under the pleasure I started to tease her clit more. Her moaning and movements told me I was hitting all the right spots. I couldn’t help but let out a throaty approval of lust when she said my name. I knew she was nearing the end and I wanted to make it worth it for her so as I was playing and teasing her clit I gently increased my speed and slipped a finger inside her to match the rhythm of my mouth. It didn’t take long before she let out a scream, arched her back and shuddered soaking my hand as I had hers earlier. Her pleasure was my pleasure and I too climaxed. I lay my head on her thigh for a moment enjoying the aftershocks I felt in my body. She was running her hands gently thru my hair and I kissed her thigh and worked my way back up to kiss her lips.

As we laid there on the couch our naked relaxed bodies entwined we drifted of to sleep, relaxed and pleased.

Dreams That Make You Say WHAT!?

RainbowWomynLeave a comment

Have you ever just had such crazy dreams you wake up and say wow. Some may be scary, some funny, some just make you angry.

I have so many friends and family that have had kids in the last few years I can only guess this is why I had my dream.

So there I was in my dream working somewhere, that part is fuzzy, I think maybe in a hospital. I had three friends in the hospital in this town having a baby. I stopped by their rooms to say hi and all of a sudden my phone rings. It is my wife! She is calling me to let me know I need to get home she is at the hospital in our town in labor! I automatically start crying and I tell my friend “ My wife is fixing to have our baby! She is in labor! I am crying ecstatic that we are fixing to have our first child together! As I am crying and blubbering my friend hugs me and I said I can’t believe I am fixing to be a DAD! My friend laughed at me because I am a womyn. HAHA even in my dream I was like WAIT…..WHAT!?? YES that is right I was the womyn in the marriage that wasn’t having the baby so I was the DAD.

Wait it gets better, My wife is Butch, yes that’s right B-U-T-C-H. Don’t get me wrong I know there are butch womyn out there that are willing to have a baby, not my wife though. We don’t have any children together(even though she loves the children I have birthed as her own). So this dream just keeps getting wilder. I mean, I think I am at least 6 months pregnant to, but I finish hugging my friend and get in my car and start rushing to the town we live in. Before I can get there ,because dreams seem to keep you from getting anywhere fast, I get a text message. It was a picture message from my brother in law and it showed my wife holding our beautiful baby girl with a white piece of paper next to her in big writing “Diedromia” pronounced DIE-DRO-MIA.

So the nurse must have taken the picture of my wife and baby because my brother in law was in the picture as well. I cried because I couldn’t make it in time to watch the birth of our child. I was happy because we had a beautiful baby girl with dark curly black hair. I was still puzzled about the name so I sent a text back saying where did the name come from. The phone rang and my wife said I did it! Our baby girl is here! I said great job baby she is beautiful but where did you come up with the name. My wife said it was a character name from a book I am writing. I said oh ok well I love it! Then I woke up from the dream. I wish I could have stayed in the dream a little longer I would have loved to hold our daughter. It was a sweet and hilarious dream. This dream is so hilariously funny and weird simply because of the fact that in real life there is no way shape or form my wife would carry our child. I would be the one carrying any baby we decided to have a baby. We are both far past child bearing age and again that’s what made it funny and weird because we were the age we are now. Not that we couldn’t have children but we are at the age now we are comfortable enjoying our growing children and planning traveling vacations when the kids are grown and we can just load up and go where we want to.

NO FEAR JUST PRIDE

RainbowWomyn1 Comment

NO FEAR JUST PRIDE

My wife often wonders how I can be so out and open with our relationship. We come from two different back grounds. As a child well into adulthood she was scorned and ridiculed for being a lesbian. I often asked questions when I was little. The little feelings I had about a girl or why do I feel like a boy? My questions were answered with excuses but I never got ridiculed for asking them. So yes I was never fully out until my 30s but my parents still seem to love me and they love my wife.long live the lesbians

So what makes us so different? Why does she feel the need to keep our life private? I am very out and open. She is very hesitant and she has had to train herself that it is okay to introduce your wife as your wife.

She asked me how is it that I am so confident? Is it because we were raised differently?

My answer to that is I do not think it is because we were raised differently. I mean some of that may come into play but I also think it comes from our personalities. It comes from how we handled things we were dealt. I can not speak for my wife but I can tell you the type of person I am.

I stand up for what I believe in. I may be shy and I may not have fully came out til I was in my 30s but I have always stood up for equal rights of anyone. I don’t even directly define myself as being “closeted” because if the right person would have came along when I was younger I would have happily been out then. BUT ANYWAY I digress, what was I speaking about

Oh yes! If I was born back in the ERA when there was such racial hatred against black people I would have been right there moving over to let Rosa Parks sit in the seat right next to me. I would have been standing with black folk getting hosed and dog bitten trying to protect them. It is who I am. I am a proud person albeit shy and sometimes quiet I still voice my opinion when its needed.

If I would have been born in the 5th and 6th century and I was a rich noble , I would have been mingling with the common folk or peasants. WHAT!? A Queen mingling with the peseants! How embarrassing for her kingdom! BUT that would be me standing up for what I believe in. Everyone deserves a chance at LOVE and LIFE.

So jumping back to the hear and now. I openly express my love for my wife , my children , my family. Without hesitation or without fear I introduce My wife to whom ever we may be speaking with. It may be the teachers at our children’s school, or people I may have just started a conversation with. I guess I do that without fear because it’s just who I am and should anyone have a problem with it I usually just think to myself that is their problem not mine. I never worry about the thought of violence or losing my job or losing friends or family because those things aren’t really priority on my list. They aren’t worth keeping if they don’t understand who I am. Especially with the older I get. I don’t know why I do it with such confidence or without fear. I know there are bad people in this world,even today, that can hurt me or even my wife. I think even if I had ever been subjected to such actions I would still stand for who I am and stand for everyone else and be just as confident about it.

ARMY

How do you feel when it comes to your family and your wife or girlfriend? Do you feel hesitation? Is it out of fear or embarrassment? Or do you have a confident attitude toward such things?