Tired of Losing Friends

Got a text last week that a friend had an aneurysm burst. Turns out it was 2 and he's in NICU critical. Today they took him off the respirator because apparently he's as good as he's gonna get. That good is a twitching mess in a bed. We had that conversation multiple times because he took care of his grandfather when he got ill, and pretty much gave up his life to take care of his father when an accident caused him to become a paraplegic. I haven't been to see him because he hasn't been concious, and probably won't be again. He would understand and appreciate that. I'm sad because I love him deeply, but hope he goes, and does it quickly because I also know that's what he would want.
I've had a running commentary from him in my head all day, before I heard the latest news, I guess because I knew it was coming. Love you Bill. Godspeed to wherever you're going, I'll see you and buy you a drink when I get there.

Retail Hell?

I've never done this before. I've obviously led a sheltered life.
Even tho I'm in receiving, retail is my business, and I found myself shocked by that fact because I was just happily doing my job.  BWAHAAAAHAAA says the world, and Wal-Hell.

I've been seriously busy because I was receiving shit to stock the store, and now craziness times 2 because tomorrow is that day, and the day after is that other day, and I'm glad I didn't realize all this until now or I would have been totally freaking out before.

I've been doing it all backwards too, I was killing myself trying to get everything done because that's the way I always worked. This week I asked for help, I didn't get much of it, but some is better than nothing. I actually got to leave on time today because I said fuck it and got my stuff done and the rest is not my problem. Boss asked about the mess I'd left, was it good or not? Yes, it's good, I just couldn't do anything else with it. He got other people to do that, so I'm happy.
Think I'll go to sleep just because I can. Night kids.

I'm Officially Old

Work is kicking my ass. I like it, but damn, I'm tired. I'm ready for bed at 7:20 on a Saturday night, and will probably hit bed before too much longer.

So I wasn't really trained after that week, but I learned a lot, and I'm still learning which at least makes things interesting. I'm also a bit stupid it seems. I've seen this woman several times since I've been there, she knows my name, and yesterday she helped me out a lot so I got to leave at 5 something instead of midnight. Today I realized I know her because she throws darts at The Dive. Slow sometimes..

I'm either getting sick, or just severely tired, and I'm voting for tired because I think I will head to bed. Later.

Different World? Not really...

So far I'm still employed. It's a clusterfuck still, but getting slowly better. I left a mess Friday because it was my first day by myself and I was swamped, as was everyone else, since it was opening day. Today there were people in places I never wanted people to be, ever.
Bottom line is, I'll finally get actually trained instead of being told "Do this" and no follow up. Hopefully. I'm waiting to see what tomorrow holds.
One thing about it, never a dull moment, and the hours just fly by... and I'm pretty much bye-bye about 10 lol.
Speaking of which, I have sheep to feed before I crash. Later.

I Think I Was Unemployed Too Long

I'm having fun. I'm working, sweating, answering questions for people who should know what they're doing, but don't, and I'm loving the hell out of it.
Apparently I spent too many years at the other place, so something new makes me grateful and happy, and I'm all good with that. I'm actually pleasant to my co-workers, go figure.
The Squeaky Wheel still bothers me, but it won't be long until we'll be on different schedules and I won't have to deal with her much, so I'll be ok with that.
Besides her, I like everyone and they seem to like me so it's all good. It may be just a common enemy kind of thing, and as far as that goes, only one of the 4 will still be with me after the store opens, but we all have the same opinion. Not gonna bitch tonight. I'm tired as hell because I unloaded a bunch of stuff by myself today, and yesterday, because we got slammed, but I feel good. I'm a little sore and bruised,  but I finally feel confident that I know what I'm doing.
I think I'll be ok now. Fingers crossed this isn't premature LOL.

Something Completely Different by a Whole Lot

Starting with a job. I went to Orientation and was handed a work schedule. I walked into a clusterfuck because the person telling me how to do things had been there a week. This was last Wednesday. By Monday of this week, people are asking me how to do things. Fun and not.
I'm also a different person there, they see my name tag and call me by the wrong pronunciation of my given name, and I go by my nickname so I just go with the flow. I figure if I've gotta have a different personality to do this job, she might as well have a different name lol. I'm learning to answer to it.
I don't care anymore, it's a JOB.
It's also seriously worked on my alcohol tolerance so I'm pretty sure I'll lose the beer weight I've gained. I became accustomed to being skinny.

I'm off tomorrow so I'm kinda happy about that tonight. I spent so much time being depressed I FEEL like I'm a different person now, so I'm good. Funny how I relate to these people tho. Everyone reminds me of someone I know, or knew and that is fascinating to me, but it shouldn't be. People are the same no matter where you are or what you're doing, and some are better than others as far as if your morals and values match. The only person I don't really like (but am warming up to) looks and has the mannerisms of Ms. Fan so I don't like not liking her because of that. She's also the one that can fuck me up bigtime if she wants to. We shall see how that goes.

I'm off to play tonight and try to get some shit done tomorrow since I have to work again Friday. Thanks for the support that I didn't really acknowledge here. Granny was kicking my ass, but she wasn't the only one reading and I thank you for reading whether you gave a shit or not.
Later kids.

It's a Job!

Pending background and drug test, and I'm the cleanest person we know so. Wheeeeee!
I came home and told Cat he could stay, I can afford food now.

Yet Another Party and Suff

Went to a birthday party today for a lady I've known casually for several years. She's 87, so it's ok that she didn't really remember me. Her daughter-in-law threw it, and it's always a good time, so there ya go. I met people I wouldn't normally meet since they run in different circles, so that's all good.
Pertinent stuff is the job isn't a job anymore, I got a  "I'll call you" when I called back so I figure that's a pfffft. Good news is Babysis felt bad for me when I told her about that one, so her boss called a couple of people and I have 2 interviews this week that may be worthwhile. I kinda want to tank the first one, and probably will without trying because my people skills suck, and try really hard for the second one because it's something I could do and enjoy. Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself.
Fingers crossed because if I don't find something soon I'll probably kill myself. I'm awake now instead of sleeping all the time and I think I preferred the other. Cat has been the only light in my life lately and I'm really tired of being the voice of doom.
Speaking of Cat, he's in my lap and needs petting, then I'm off to sleep so I can take the Gnome to lunch tomorrow. Later kids.

It's a Wednesday

Got a call because Lucy might not be there in time to get Gnome to lunch. Lucy showed up just in time, but I got roped into lunch anyway.  Apparently Lucy hasn't told her she can drive. And that's another story because I think Lucy has lost the rest of her mind so....

Had an interview today at what I think will be a fun job, not much money, but hell, it's a job. Will know Friday, and that's all I have to say about that.

Went shopping with Mrs. Asshole this afternoon, the Halloween store scared her, so it was all over after that. She did give me a pep talk, and yeah, I didn't really wanna hear it, but she's cooking some lasagna tomorrow and I'll be there for that.

Darts and beer later, I'm home. No wonder I didn't have anything interesting to tell the interviewer today. I throw darts and read.............I have a cat, that's pretty much it. Geeezeus I need a real life.

I Suck

Let's see, Gnome is recuperating. There has been a lot of babysitting involved because we don't want to have to babysit again anytime soon. I've been home for a couple of days and ecstatic about it because it feels like I haven't been here in a year.

There's lots of drinking and stupidity as usual, and guilt, can't forget that. I should be in Armpit doing stuff, but I'm not because I'm gnomesitting, drinking, or both so that's another something to talk about.

I believe I picked up a flea from the critter earlier too, suddenly my head is wonky. Think I'll go shower and go to bed because this ain't fun.

Yeah, I'm Slacking

Ms. Sweet got home (Gnome, I mean). Lucy and I have been babysitting. Lucy is with her tonight, I get the next couple. Cat is mad at me because I haven't been home much lately, and he and Annie have a hate, hate relationship it seems. She bitches about being scratched and bitten, but she invites it so there we go.
I'm off to smoke, and sleep, because I do too much of one and not enough of the other these days.
I'll catch up on everything else later, yeah right.

It's Only Tuesday?

The Gnome came through surgery fine. She was out of it when I left, and I should have stayed the night with her, but after a day of sitting and waiting I just wasn't really up for it. Her sister and friends were there when I left, and I'm also supposed to be dogsitting tonight, but Annie is babysitting Mrs. Asshole while he's out of town, so I'm home. I'll be back in the morning and all that jazz. Besides, Cat was mad I left him this morning so I had to come home to make up.
Hopefully I'll get some more stuff done at her house while she's incapacitated, which will make her happy when she comes home. A happy Gnome is always good.
I'm glad I didn't do the happy dance about the last job offer because I haven't heard anything else, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm defective in some way or something, but anyhow. I'm on doggy and Gnome duty for a little bit now anyway, so maybe that's a blessing in disguise, at least I'm available. She loves me, there were 2 cases of beer sitting in the garage when I got there this morning, she planned for me being there lol.
I suppose I should sleep, hell I know I should sleep, I'm a tired puppy. Later kids.

That Kinda Day

I just shuffled down the hall, forgetting that the dog has been dead for over a year. It happens occasionally, I tripped over him enough. Having a cat is different too since it's been so long since one was in the house. Annie really wants to be his friend, but he's not having it. He's all about me when he decides to like a human.

Got him in my lap and he's trying to eat my elbow, so I guess I shouldn't worry too much about that lump on his back. He slides under the bed to grab me, among other things, so hopefully he just bumped into something.

I need to go to sleep, I have to take a friend in for surgery tomorrow. Later kids.

Music

Funny, my horoscope mentioned music yesterday. Today I was looking for something for Annie and dragged out a few cd's I haven't listented to in awhile. Yes, I miss my music. I didn't realize how much until now.I play stuff at The Dive, but not what I usually listen to, and I haven't listened to anything at home in months. I guess I should start doing that again.

Jaded?

Applied for a job yesterday, several actually, but got a call from one today. I'm not doing the happy dance yet because the last few times I did, everything went to shit. I hope, because it's good money and at least a 6 month contract, but we shall see.I almost didn't hit it just because, so back to we shall see.

I was actually productive, still fighting with The Gnomes plumbing issues because I'm not happy with the job I did, ran off to Annie's parents house with her to do stuff in the garden, anybody need some green beans? Her mom always makes meatloaf when I'm showing up so supper was excellent as usual. I need to sleep, but not ready to yet, and I don't have a clue where I was going with this. I guess the ant farm last night was the last of my sense of humor for a bit.

My body is still trying to decide if we're going to have a period this month. I can't remember if the last one was April, or May, it just shows up sporadically these days so it's like playing Russian Roulette with my ovaries.
I'm smoking in the house because I have a smoke candle and I can dammit. I did pay a bill this month since cable went out in the middle of a Rizzolli and Isles I haven't seen this afternoon and I'm mad about that. I shouldn't be since Annie is paying all the bills, I keep us and the animals fed and wrapped in TP, but that's been about it lately. I also spend way too much money on beer and smokes because about all I do most of the time is drink and smoke and I know I need to stop both. I guess I'm still having a mini pity party. Sorry. Think I'll try the sleep thing and hope for the best.

My Housemate is an Idiot

I just opened the kitchen window since it's actually cool enough for that tonight. There is a beach of sevin dust sitting in the sill because that was her response to a minor ant invasion. I would expect ants in goggles and skis running down the moguls, and others laid out on beach towels,  from the way it looks up there. That would serve her right actually, but I guess it did the job. She's all about overkill.
I'll just leave it and hope she breaks out the shop vac soon. I'll just shake my head and go on.

So it's been that long huh?

I've been doing stuff, and not doing stuff, so I guess I'm less depressed today because I haven't looked for a job in the last couple of days. Crickets and rejection letters are pretty damned depressing, so I'm in avoidance mode at the moment.
Ok, I've been doing shit at The Gnome's house, and sitting with her dog, so my schedule is off. I'm also frustrated over plumbing, and it's not mine this time, even tho that cheese I ate at her house last night might cause an issue or 2 since it was hot as hell. Anyway....
It's about time for me to take my ass to bed so I can start Monday right. Later kids.

Not Feeling It

I have a date to replace a faucet tomorrow since I couldn't drag my ass over there today. I don't want to do it then either, but I will.
I'm starting to scare me a bit. I used to drink a shot of tequila and I was out. Lately, I could probably drink a bottle. I had 4 rather large shots at the bar earlier, along with some beers. Been drinking beer since I got home, and I'm still standing and coherent as far as I can tell. Just took another shot so maybe I'll go to sleep. I'm tired of this shit.
Gonna smoke and take Cat to bed. Later.

I Know I'm Overreacting, but....

Mrs. Asshole gave me shit over some chicken tonight. Apparently the whole world is torn up about some chicken, but this wasn't even that one. We had some takeout at The Asshole's house. He bagged it up like it was gonna be tossed out because he's like that. We brought it home. I get a text later about where is it? I told her we brought it home becuase it looked like it was gonna go in the trash. A few messages later....
The  one about "You know we'd give you anything if you asked" got me. My feelings are hurt. It doesn't take much these days anyway, and she knows that, so really?
I'm also drinking Annie's beer and shots of tequila because all my beer is at The Asshole's house since I've been out there all the time lately. I think I'll be home more now.
I'm mad, and hurt, and I'll leave some chicken on their front porch tomorrow just because I can dammit.
I really hate being fragile.

Another One

Annie is apparently looking for jobs for me because she doesn't think I'm looking hard enough. I'm about to clock her ass.
Other than that, I may be getting a tattoo tomorrow since I'm meeting a friend who is getting one. I'm all about peer pressure these days. I just really don't care.

I HAD a funny, but of course I've lost it now. I think I'll go to bed.

WHEEEEEE!

I bought pinwheels and everything. Cat has ripped me new ones. I'm wearing a bunch of bandaids. I put one on him just because and he freaked out. Pussy.

I think I'll go sleep now.

Now I Remember

Sally Ride passed away also. She was gay. She was a woman everyone looked up to. I didn't know she was gay, always thought so, but it wasn't an issue. I'm pretty sure everyone else felt the same way. She was awesome either way.
Look at her, and everyone else, and make an issue of it yet again. We are just like everyone else. Some of us are better than everyone else. People is people dammit. Gay, straight, stupid, we are what we are. Why do we get judged? That's so grade school bullshit.

I'm pissed, or was, I can't remember shit these days

Sherman Helmesly died, as did Chad Everett and shit. I can't remember where I was going anymore.

Apparently I have  Dexter Roycroft on my hands too. He's trying to take off body parts and hide them under the bed.

I Was Once Entertaining

 I was looking at 2007 because I knew I did a post about my other mom dying (not step-mom) and it took me a bit to find it. I was pretty funny back then. I guess something got broken between then and now. I'm not nearly as much fun as I once was, and that makes me sad. I guess I'll go to sleep since I do that well.

It's Like That

Cat is back to normal, I have blood on my shirt again from one of his snits. I apparently traded headaches for stomach aches, and both are coming and going the last couple of days so maybe there was a tradeoff there I missed.,
I've developed a huge tolerance for tequila, which is a scary thing, but it is what it is. Nobody wants to hire me, so I sleep, read, drink and swim lately. That would be all loverly if I could afford to keep doing it, but...
I think I'll go sleep since that doesn't cost money. Later.

Cat and Stomach Update

Cat is apparently pretty healthy, got some drugs for bacteria and worm medicine. The OMG stuff was all ok. My stomach is still shit, but maybe it'll get better as he does. He did come home and eat after he  bitched me out. I'm sure there will be more bitching since I have to give him pills for a few days. I'm just glad about the other. Vet told me straight up, they thought he had an OMG disease since he'd been a street cat, so she was happy he didn't either. No sign of worms either, but that pill wouldn't hurt him. 
He was kind of drunk after the dosing, and wanting the dark, quiet when we got home so I left him and went to The Asshole's for dinner. It was great, as usual. Cat jumped in my lap when I got home and he hasn't done that in a few days, so YAY. I'm thinking I'll see if he wants to go to bed with me since he hasn't slept with me in a few nights, and ice my shoulder again because it still hasn't recovered from me falling over everybody.
Night kids.

Cat has Me Worried

Got him fixed and he's been fine most of the time. Other than the couple of times he wanted to shred my arms and eat my face off, he's pretty loving. Last few days he's been out of sorts, and I've put off calling the vet because I'm scared. He was a street cat before I adopted him and I didn't get him tested for all that OMG HAVE TO PUT HIM DOWN NOW shit when I took him to the vet. The him not feeling well shit is really bothering me, plus he hates the box and the trip. He's eating and drinking, just not as much, and still playing some, but he's not the same cat. He hasn't filled up the litter box either so I guess I'll have to call tomorrow whether I like it or not. Wish me luck because I don't think I can take it if something is really wrong. I'm severly fragile right now. Later kids.

It's like That Again

Obviously been out of sorts again. Cat acting up on me hasn't helped anything. He's still eating and drinking, just not as much as usual, and he's not up my ass as much as usual. He's been barfing a bit, which I blamed on Annie giving him milk in the mornings from her cereal, and it may still be, gonna call the vet in the morning to see what they say. I think if I lose him right now after making the committment to keeping him, it might just push me over the edge.
I've been kind of maintaining, even tho the news on the job front still sucks. Spending a lot of time with The Assholes because I can, and it distracts me, but that's gonna have to end or at least slow down soon.
Annie wanted to throw darts this afternoon, I was trying to decide what to have for dinner because I'm back to not eating most of the time again. It's ok, I'm drinking enough to make up the calories. She started in about the job hunt and my resume and stuff, and I was fragile enough today to cry about it. She feels bad, I feel bad, but it is what it is. I brought her home and wound up back at The Dive just to get out of the house because me and my skin weren't comfortable anymore. I did pick up some chicken on the way home and managed to chip a tooth on something. Apparently my teeth are planning to leave me a piece at a time. I have 2 that are broken off, and now this. Some insurance would be nice too.

Anyways, enough of this shit. I'm trying to get over my pity party. I think I'll go watch some tv and take the pussy to bed to see if he stays with me. He's slept in my closet the last couple of nights, but Lucy was here which may have thrown him off too. He's used to just me and him.
Later kids.

I Think I Should Sleep

I do lots of that lately, and I do it well. I think being awake is why my head hurts. Bra is wet because I went out in a rainstorm and cleaned part of the gutter because Annie was upset about it. Another reason my head hurts. Got screwed by the state (ok not really) they were taking back the money they paid me for the week I was honest about, I looked for a job, I just didn't apply for any because I expected to get one. Stupid me.
Apparently I'm a total loser these days since even fast food doesn't want me. I'm having issues with that. I apply for jobs I am capable of doing on the high end, and jobs I'm capable of doing on the low end, and nothing. I guess I'm doing something really wrong all the way around.
I'm really tired of being a loser.
Tomorrow I'm going to buy a bathing suit since Mrs. Asshole wants me to wear one. She's just picking since I wear a tank top and shorts. I know she doesn't really care, she's just giving me a hard time, but I'll do it just to shut her up. And assuming I get out of the house before Annie comes home. I usually wait for her to call, and shower so it won't look like I was useless all day. Even tho I usually am.
Ok, take that back. I clean the cat box, floor and kitchen. Sometimes I do laundry. I'll have to mow the lawn again since it rained.
Yep, sleep is looking good again. Later kids.

I Suddenly Have a Big Pussy

He's grown much since he's been a housecat, and he's still young. I may have a lion on my hands. I did cut his nails so he'll have to eat my face off rather than scratch it off.

I wouldn't put it past him to do that either, but anyway.

Head hurts, later.

I Drink Too Much

I've been jangly all day, and had my second panic attack in as many weeks. I haven't had one of those in years, but they seem to be back now. I went to The Dive just to get out of the house because I've spent so many days at The Asshole's house they were about to have to clean out space for me to live there. I thought I'd give them a break.
I need to see my parents, but I don't get very far from home lately. I also need to go to visitation for a cousin tomorrow, or the funeral Saturday, but I'm having trouble seeing me do either right now.
I suck.
Taking The Little Bastard to the vet tomorrow will probably be the highlight of my day. He'll get snipped and nail clipped so at least maybe he won't rip me to shreds when he gets home. After that, I'll be pretty much broke so hopefully something will come up soon.

Sorry, I haven't been much fun lately. I'm getting tired of me too.

Brand New Day

Yeah, they seem to roll around like clockwork.  I got my official notice of "Sorry, even though your qualifications were impressive, we went with another applicant, and good luck on your search" letter today. This from the job 2 weeks ago, and the letter was dated the day of my 2nd interview. Asswipes.

This being unemployed shit is getting old. I called repeatedly yesterday about the letter saying I  was done, but should still file to see what the hell it meant since it contradicted itself several times, only to be told "We have a high volume of traffic right now, please try again later." CLICK.

I think I'll go to sleep because that's the only thing I seem to do well these days.

Hello Kids

It's been another day. I had to hit the employment place today to prove that I'm actively looking for a job, and will probably be penalized for being honest. Yes, I skipped a week because I really expected to be called in for a job. I guess I should have lied and said I looked when I didn't. Well, I did look, I just didn't apply. Same thing I guess. I'm so tired of this shit. Even Mc d's doesn't want me now so it's a bit disheartening.
I threw some darts with my brother and invited myself over to The Asshole's house because otherwise I was gonna come home and cry myself into a puddle. I may still, but at least I staved it off for a few hours and ate dinner in the process. I also have volunteered to lay sod for them tomorrow, drink lunch with an old friend, and hit a pool because I can. I'll see how many things actually want or need me.
Still in a mood and don't know what to do about it other than sleep.
Mom ripped me a new one yesterday and I'm not really over that one yet either. I know, chin up, tits out, but dammit.
Think I'll take my pussy and whiny ass to bed, if he'll even sleep with me, he hasn't gotten over me falling over him the other night. One thing I did take care of, he has an appointment to get snipped next week. At least there are funds for that and maybe we'll all be happier after that.
Going to I don't know what, and sleep, after all tomorrow is another day.

Unsettled

Babycat's buddy came by tonight. Yes, I still feed whoever stops by. Babycat watched him from the doorway, as did I. I actually opened the door in case they wanted to have a reunion. They didn't. This one seems to be happy with his indoor status now.
The other seems to have a broken leg, and it broke my heart because I'd take him in if I could, but I can't touch him. I've only got this one because he decided to be people friendly enough to come to me and I coaxed him into the house.
I guess I'll keep leaving food out, but quit watching. I can't stand it.

Listening to Annie Lennox to try to soothe something because everything else in me is jangly tonight.

May have  to go to Mazzy Starr for calm. If I can find it. Outta here to do something. Later.

Nutting time is soon...

I've kept the little shit in the house for the last few days and for the most part he's ok with it. I'm just tired of everything I own being bled on when he has a little scratching fit. I didn't want to cut his nails until the other parts got cut because there may still be some going outside since he's a slippery little fucker. I'll make calls tomorrow so we can fix all this (I hope). I know he's still gonna want to play rough, but his little Edward Scissorhands thing right now isn't good for me because I bleed at the drop of a hat anyway. At least Lucy told me about peroxide so all my clothes aren't completely ruined. Speaking of which, I need to hit the head and throw some peroxide on this shirt since it looks like I slit someone's throat. Later kids.

I might revise my opinion of the cat

I left him in most of the day since I actually got out of the house for a change. He was in my bed when I got home, and other than the one making me bleed incident he's been good. For the most part, we get along and it's ok. He's usually in my lap while I sit here, he sleeps with me and he's a cuddler, even tho he takes up half the bed to do it. I think we may have kitty love going on.

It seems he went off to bed without me too, bastard.

He makes me smile if nothing else, and not much does these days so I'll be spending some of my cash stash fixing his ass and making him a proper housecat. I think I'll go to bed too. Later kids.

I'm adopting this cat, and I don't much like him. Might explain why I'm not all that jazzed about gettting him fixed right now. I don't want to spend money on him if I'm not gonna get a return for that. He sleeps with me and that's cool, but for the most part, he's not all that loving, he left today, and came back at dark wanting to eat my bracelet, and my face and I'm a bit pissed.
 I also have no idea where he is right now, but it's somewhere in the house. I may be on the news later when he eats my face.

Beyond all that. I has no job, and no expectation of finding one since everything I apply to is shit so it's no wonder I have a headache. I think I'll take my ass to bed and try again tomorrow.

Another?

I managed to interview ok it seems. I have a second this week. I feel like I've been poked and probed, but hell, if it works....

Cat has adopted me, and he makes me smile, so he can stay. The little fucker.

I think he and I need to go to bed because I'm a tired puppy.

Oh yeah, Betty is fine.Doc said the weight she'd lost was good for her, she was too hefty before, and the problem spot was a wart. She's a healthy 8 yr old, and I'm ashamed to say we thought she was younger. Someone should pay more attention.

Ok, I'm rambling so I'm outta here. Night kids.

Razor Blades

My stomach is shit right now. Hence the razor blade reference. I have a job interview Tuesday. I haven't had an actual interview in almost a year. Everything has been phone or e-mail, and apparently I suck at both since nothing has happened. I'm worried about actually showing up somewhere because hello, have you seen me? Right now my thing is my forearms because I've got what I call old lady skin. It looks like someone took a baseball bat to my left arm, and my right has claw marks from the Asshole's dog. Nobody's fault, the dog didn't really get me, and the other, I bumped into something the other day and there it is. I guess I'll be looking for something light and long sleeved to wear.

I've also apparently adopted a cat. Once I got him in the house and he looked around, he's made himself at home, and I'm ok with it. Have enough in the slush fund for a fixing and shots so I guess there's a vet visit next week too. Already one of those in the works for Betty, she's lost weight that neither of us really noticed until now, and that bite on her ear doesn't really look like a bite anymore. Yeah, I think I've had enough of this tonight. Gonna go smoke with the pussy and see if he wants to come back in and sleep with me tonight. He's a cuddler so I really wouldn't mind.
Later kids.

Crickets and Nightmares

Obviously haven't heard back from Mr. "I'll be in touch." So much for giddiness. Did get a call today from another place and I have an interview next week so I'll be dusting off the bullshit skills.
I've been sleeping a lot because I can, and the dreams/nightmares are strange. I've been seeing a lot of my dead sister lately. That's good, but bad. This morning I got a great hug and she was quite pregnant. A friend told me that means she's looking out for me and she's happy where she's at. I'm just glad I'm getting to see her, it's been awhile. It also works on my fragile mind a bit so I sat here and watched tv all afternoon crying over episodes of Ghost Whisperer because I could. I'm a mess.

I have shit to do tomorrow that may or may not happen. Saturday I have to go see Spawn becacuse it's his birthday party that he invited me to all on his own. I'm off to sleep some more now.

Fingers Crossed

I've been applying for non IT stuff because I really don't want to do that anymore, but the one job I did apply to the other day called. Another contract thing, but the guy that called was great. He knows my former bosses, we chatted a bit about the selling of the company, the stupidity of the system they went to, and my old hometown when it came up also. He said (and I know this may not mean a thing) that even if this one fell through he would try to find me something else.
I don't care anymore, throw me a bone and I'm giddy as hell for a minute at least. Will sit by the phone (metaphorically) tomorrow and hope. At least he called, and hopefully I didn't fail. Now it's time to sleep.

Whheeeee

Yeah, nothing new. I'm just sitting on my ass eating bon-bons these days. Ok, not really, but I might as well be. Apply for job, get rejected, rinse, repeat. not fun. I'm tired of being rejected dammit. At this point, my brain cells are pretty much gone too, so the couple of jobs I've actually shown up in person for, were same thing, just not an e-mail saying "Thanks so much, but you don't fit." They were just "We'll call", and nothing happens.
Annie thinks I'm not looking, but she has one now so she's forgotten it was hard. I'm also not starving yet so I guess I could be looking harder. Think I should have taken the trucker job. Except I don't really like to drive. Fuck.
I need to find something soon because a family vacation is coming up. As much as I'd love to go to the beach with Spawn, I just really don't want to. Stupid shit I know.
Yeah, wah, wah, it sucks to be me. I know it could be much worse, I'm just having a moment. I'll get over it and put on my big girl panties.
Today has just sucked. I'll be better soon.
Think I'll take my ass to bed. Later.

Time To Pay Attention

Apparently I've been outta control again. I don't remember writing or posting that Wednesday. Actually I don't remember a whole lot of dark time all this week.
I know we had dinner with The Assholes last night, and I got into a political discussion with Mr. Asshole, which I never do, but hell, I was fearless and had tequila in me. We agreed to disagree and I'm pretty much blank after that. At least I woke up in my own bed with everything intact.
Annie didn't completely shun me today so I must not have said anything stupid to her, so I guess I'm good.

Went to the Gnome's house and painted her front door, which made her happy. Latest report is she's all good. Cancer was apparently localized because they can't find anything anywhere else so YAY! Nice to have some good news.

Haven't heard from the latest job prospect where I may have had a shot, so.... Back to the same old.

Thinking next week would be a good time to quit drinking for awhile because I can, and I've gained about 20 lbs from drinking too much lately. I don't like having love handles anymore. Guess it's time to go to bed. Night kids.

Here we GO AGAIN.
Yeah, fuck capitalization because it's not working right tonight either. So.... crickets......
I don't know why I bother lately. Still job hunting, rejection e-mails are piling up on the virtual table here. Clogging up the inbox I guess.
I think I need to sleep again. What I want to talk about, I can't. And that sucks.

Zip

I just realized I need to check the e-mail for this. Notes from the Universe has probably filled up my inbox in my absence.

I guess it's ongoing...

I've been doing stuff for the Gnome this week. Today I stayed home with intentions of shopping and shipping and getting things done. I sat on my ass in front of the computer all day and didn't do shit. I don't know why, but Donna Summer dying brought on a wave of grief. I finally showered this afternoon because Annie was on her way home and wanted to go out. I didn't, and by the time she got here and sat for a few she didn't either. I did, just because, and wasn't happy about any of it.
I've been home for awhile, hoping that shot I had would kick in and I'll be really drunk so I can just fall in bed and sleep. So far, nothing. TV and Castelville are getting old. I looked for jobs again............Phlebotomist is my new calling, let's hope they call me.
I'm tired, and tired, and I've gotta get off my ass. Going back to work on the Gnome's house tomorrow so I'll get out of the house, and maybe I'll get some of that other list done. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Desperation leads to.... Insanity?

After the toy store with the giraffe decided I can't even stock shelves for them, I got a bit more depressed. I signed on to be a long haul trucker. I just have to go to Indiana to get my CDL and I'm on the road!

I think I can do the job, but the 3 weeks in a motel while I train might be a bit much for me. I'm too much of a homebody for that. Indecisive? Yep. It's a job, and it's good money, it's also stupid at my age. Maybe. Crap, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I have till 3pm tomorrow to decide for sure.

Think I'll go make a list of pros and cons and see if there's anything new out there. Later kids.

Having a Day, or Night at this point

Apparently I am PMSing like hell because all I've wanted to do today is cry. That's not a good thing. I swell up like a blowfish, so I'd rather do that in the privacy of my dark bedroom late at night if I'm gonna do it. That may happen later, I managed to stave it off, but I still don't have to like it dammit. I had a metaphor too, but it fell by the wayside.
Actually it was long and drawn out and yeah. Done with that.
I think I'll go play stupid for awhile and then actually sleep. Later kids.

And Once More...

Been busy not doing a lot, but doing a lot. Funny how easy that is when you have too much time on your hands. I've had the headache from hell for a couple of days and I hope it's just allergies, stress or my pillow since there's that little issue of my Jeep having insurance, but me? Not so much.
PMS Meds helped a bit today, so maybe it's that. The end result of that just shows up when it wants to, but so far the symptoms seem to still hang around. Just the first time I've really had a bad headache in awhile, so I really don't like it.
Anyways, stuff lined up for tomorrow that involves ironing and getting the metal out of my face, which I wasn't able to accomplish tonight probably because I have no patience right now, so I'll fix that in the morning too. Nothing really promising, but it's something.
I'm pretty tired of rejection and feeling completely worthless so off to see if I can sell myself into something completely different. Wish me luck I haven't lost those semi-developed bullshit skills from the old job that I need to dust off again.
Other than that, not much to report. Need to sleep, so I'll probably go play around online for a couple of hours and get around to that. Night kids.

Happy Birthday to Me

I was kidnapped, dragged across state lines and required to eat a very nice lunch. Apparently Dad was jealous I went out with Mom last week so he took me out to eat today (yesterday now, but you know what I mean.) I need to put my ass in the bed just because, but so far not feeling it so here I am And not really feeling this anymore either so I guess I'll go do something else until I decide to sleep. Later kids.

Had a Day

Hysterical female calling before lunch was almost the end of my day. Lucy needs to get a grip. Nothing major after that, but I'm just not in the mood.

I forgot, again. Dammit

I had a purpose, and things to say and I can't remember any of it now.
I'm obviously worried about my brain since it doesn't seem to be working.
I woke up this morning with stuff happening with my eyes, it was like shutters and strobe lights for a bit.

And I had something to say....Fuck. I may have really fried my last brain cell.
I think I'll go to bed.

Driving Miss Daisy

I'm still hanging out with the Gnome, getting her from point A to point B. A is pretty much her house and B is usually lunch, and that's about it. I take off for a few hours in the afternoon to go read and veg at The Dive and give her some space. Thankfully Lucy will be here tomorrow so I can go back to my wild and wooly ways.........doing pretty much what I'm doing now, but closer to home, and without the lunch.
Her Dr. is pretty much convinced she has cancer somewhere else, it couldn't have been contained in what was removed even tho she showed no signs of anything anywhere. More tests coming up. I hope for her sake they're wrong, and the tumor was it.

Her dog, who I usually love, doesn't have time for me since she's home, and I'm actually ok with that. He should be hers instead of mine when she's home. He does come see me when she's in the shower lol. I understand now why she calls him what she does.

Friends are coming over tomorrow, so I need to make sure they have a place to eat lunch, and then I'm outta here so Lucy can take over for the weekend. It'll be a Gnomefest.

Rude and Uncouth

Appaerntly I hang out with mental 6 yr olds. The Assholes showed up at the bar, and left because we were hanging out with our other friends that they suddenly don't like.
Mr. Cool's wife made a point of saying hello to all of us, and dissing the other one. I only put up with her because of him in the first place. I'm done.

I have much better friends here than I do in real life it seems. Love Y'all.

Not Even

I'm usually happy to be home after being away. I'm not so much.

I Need to Sleep

The Gnome is gonna run me ragged tomorrow. Lucy had to leave so I got Gnome duty last night and tonight (or something approximating that since it's now Thursday morning).
She's doing really well and ready to get out and about. We had Chinese buffet for lunch because she wanted out of the house, and I don't blame her for that. I'm not sure about her taste in buffet places, but that's another story for another day.
I should put my ass in bed since she'll want to be up and gone early tomorrow. (today)

That's the other thing. Since the only shower here is in her bedroom, I actually went out in public this morning without bathing. Lucy was aghast.
I did shower last night because after pressure washing the house, I was a bit nasty.
I went home today and cleaned up again since I forgot mousse and stuff to bring here. Also some more jeans, since I packed shorts and now it's cool again. Damn weather. I'll be good to go in the morning.

Gonna go crash. My step-dog in firmly ensconced with Mommy tonight, he only comes downstairs to see me if he thinks there's food. I still love him, I can understand. He's Momma's boy, and I'm her second lol.

Damn, I'm good drunk

I wrote that last post? I amaze myself. I used ambulatory in a sentence. I rock.
Ms. Sweet is home, I passed her off to Lucy this afternoon because I can be a caregiver, but Lucy is much better at it so I'm all about letting her.
I'm now very drunk because I can be. And I'm not happy about it either, it just kinda happened. I think I'll go to sleep since I still need to be up early, and ponder my reasons for being stupid later.

The other story is I saw serious addiction and stupidity, and besides pissing me off, it made me sad, and mad. I didn't hang around for that too long. One of the things I need to fix... and probably the hardest one for me.
I know I'm a drunk, but I can quit, and I don't hurt anybody else with my addiction. I don't steal to fuel my habit, or lie to cover it up. I am. It's me.
If I can't, I won't. Some people I know have no boundaries, and that makes me sad.

Now, I'm really going to sleep.

So, here we are again

Didn't make the very early visit to see Ms. Sweet this morning. Was on my way there when I realized I'd have about 5 minutes if that. I gave up and went to her house to hang out with the dog and gear up for the 9:00 visit. That worked out ok. He and I had a pseudo nap on the loveseat while I was waiting. Met the sister, found out nothing new, and still planning for me to take her home at some point and Lucy, Annie and I will take care of things until she's fully ambulatory again. I've been sitting here too long too because I'm beat and need to sleep so I can be there in the morning to see her and get the down low on when she's getting out. This morning I mean. I think it's time for me to sleep. Later.

Kinda like a Monday on a Tuesday

It was a day kids. I got up at the buttcrack of dawn to take Ms. Sweet in for a "procedure." The 45 minute thing turned into 3 hours and she has cancer. She doesn't know that yet since she's still in the hospital drugged outta her mind. Her Dr. likes to use ICU so I couldn't stay with her either, which is just as well because I really needed a drink so I could find out Mrs. Asshole's friend for most of her life died today from......wait for it...........chronic alcoholism.
I haven't heard from Ms. Sweet's sister, which worries me, but oh well, not my fault I couldn't find her in the phone and she didn't call to check on her. Couple of her friends did, and I'll be killed when Ms. Sweet wakes up because she didn't want anyone to know anything. The one guessed, and I couldn't lie so......there we are.

Mrs. Asshole invited me over for dinner and I went, hung out with her for a bit talking about her friend because she's obviously upset. I at least made her laugh a bit while we both drank beer. I think I'm done for the night with the taking care of folks. I need to be up at the buttcrack of dawn again to check on Ms. Sweet and see when she's getting sprung so we can set up a hang out with her schedule. I get to stay with her dog so I win.

Oh yeah, going downstairs to give dog his treats, I wound up on the tile floor on my bad knee. It's not awful, but sitting here with ice. I'm still in way better shape than the others today.

Good thoughts will be appreciated, and I love you. Thanks.

Maybe I Just Needed to Bitch?

Funny, just got an e-mail on my phone about a possible job opportunity. It's from the original company that had me a job that got put on hold. Fingers crossed it doesn't go back there. It's a contract thing too, but the first time it was a guaranteed 3 months, don't know the details this time, but that's better than 2 weeks and way better than being unemployed so now I'll be waiting to hear something tomorrow. Will let you know.

Same Old Stuff

Nothing new to report. I'm apparently over-qualified for a lot of the stuff I'm applying for, and under-qualified for what I used to do so here I am.
I can't even make a new career out of blogging because I can't seem to keep that up lately either lol. Too bad there isn't a job in Castleville for me, I think I'd make a great blacksmith.
Gotta get to bed before daylight for a change because Annie ripped me a new one yesterday morning because she could. I think she was just mad because she had to go to work and I'd been up all night again, but that's neither here nor there. I'm still supporting myself for the moment so she can kiss my ass.
At least there's less depression sleep going on, now it seems to be depression insomnia, or something like that.
Meeting Babysis to take Spawn back to the urologist for an ultrasound this afternoon just to make sure his pee parts are ok and that's about it for new news.
Think I'll give up and go to bed. Later kids.

That was Different

It's been a weird day (as most of them are lately). I ended up having a theological discussion with my brother (who isn't) and we actually agree on some things. Most things, actually, I've always seen him as a die-hard bible thumping Baptist. He surprised me. He had to go, and I really needed to go, so maybe we'll continue this conversation at a later date.
The good news is he showed up while I was seriously depressed and thinking of alternatives, so maybe things do work out. I guess we'll see.

Once Upon a Time

I would have spent a night like this lying on the hood of a car, looking at the Moon and the clouds running across it. Waiting for some stars to show up.
I do miss those days, when I was a carefree youngster and could do that.
I can do it again, but the cars are bigger and not as conducive to lying around on, and the shoulders and hips wouldn't like it as much either.

I so miss a Ford LTD, or a 68 Chevelle. Those hoods were good for stretching out on. Jeeps and Infinitis, not so much.

Guess I should take my old ass to bed. Night kids.

I Don't Belong Here Anymore

One of those epiphany things. I don't belong where I am anymore becuase I'm with the wrong people. I've been spending a lot of time with people I like, but they don't see me for me. Most of them are so shallow you can see Canada through them, and it never bothered me before, but tonight it does. I need some real.

Couple of Days Later...

Optimism is waning and...

This is really what I want to get at. A friend (a flesh and blood, somebody I actually see sometimes friend) has un-friended me on Facebook and I don't know why.
She's the friend the other friend no longer likes, and I've defended the hell out of her to the one. Now I'm just stumped. Maybe the one who no longer likes her was right and she's a flake.

I'll call or leave her a message tomorrow because really? I deserve better. I guess she's not really a friend after all, or she just gave me up for lent.

Fuck it, hurt and upset about it no matter what. Not cool.

I AM Positive :)

Unemployed again, but yes, I'm way better than I was. I'm not stupid (even though I thought I was). I was the only woman on the crew to last for 2 weeks. Some of the guys didn't even make the whole time, so I'm feeling pretty good. My knees and feet hate me, but dammit I made it.
I'm also back on a regular schedule so far, I want to go to sleep since I got up early again since my body got used to that. Tomorrow will be a full day of looking for another job and bugging the temp place for another contract and updating the resume with this job. I have stuff hopefully happening at the moment.

Working also took off some of the beer weight I'd gained, so I'm back to comfortable. I'm not yet skeletal again, but the gut is gone. I can deal with that, I didn't even like me skeletal. I may be in the pit again soon, but tonight things are looking up so I'll take what I can get.

Have a good night kids, I'm going to sleep.

Careful What You Wish For

Monday was cool. Yesterday was "Only 3 more days" because I was beat. Today I'm beat again, but now it's only 2 more days till I'm unemployed again. I'm not sure I'm ready for that again.
I did apply for a job last night that I wouldn't have a few weeks ago, this has at least been really good for my self-esteem. So if we can stand each other for 2 more days, I'll still be a productive member of society :)

I need to check on my Castleville and put my ass in the bed because I'm not as young as I used to be, and this running all over the place in steel-toed shoes is reminding me of it.
Later kids.

It Gets Old

I love my mother, y'all know that. But she's testing my last nerve. On Facebook of all places. I haven't been there much lately, but I said something tonight and she jumped all over it with a guilt trip for me. I deleted the post and if I say anything else I'll make sure she and babysis don't see it just because.
I think I'll go to bed now, Lucy talked me out of a lot of my upset because I'm actually happy about the job even tho it's short term. I'm not stupid YAY! I had doubts about my ability to do anything. I'm ok. This has been a boost to my self esteem because I haven't had any in awhile. I'm gonna be ok I think. Later kids.

You're kidding Right?

I got a phone call today. I have to re-take my drug test. I find it amusing because I'm the cleanest person in the history of the world, but really?
We all know I drink, but other than that, Ibuprofen is the strongest thing I ever take so. Maybe they don't know what a clean test looks like. Or it could have been the 5 cups of coffee I had at breakfast with that old friend. Whatever. I'll let ya know. Night kids.

So, it's a job

I finally calmed down. My nerves have been shot. Today was pretty much the trial run, and I'm pretty sure I'll be ok so that helps a lot. So I have something to make me behave for a couple of weeks because I've got to be up at the crack of dawn, which makes me go to sleep at a decent hour, and I get to exercise my brain. Hopefully this will lead to bigger and better things, but if not, at least it makes my resume' look better.
Wish me lots of luck, even tho I'm not stupid (and sometimes I forget that), there are people smarter than me looking for jobs too. Later kids.

It's a brand new day

Annie is an Engineer and I'm a Contractor. Who would have thunk?
I has a job. It's only for 2 weeks, but weeeeeee. It's a job. Hopefully it will lead to other jobs.
I've been so fucking depressed, this gave me hope so. Cross your fingers I'm not totally stupid.
Ok, I know I'm not totally stupid, but I just ain't right.

Also another of those things I had words for, that now escape me because I drink too fucking much. At least having a job will cut down on that.

And It works like that

I've been busy, kinda. There's lots of sleeping going on, and a possibility of a real job, but same ole sitting on hold for that.
Last night I grilled. I've done that off and on, but not really. Last night I was missing Handsome seriously. He hung out next to me, waiting to see if I'd drop something, and I always did. The girls don't seem to get that, so I was a mess by the time the food was done.
Annie and Lucy said everything was good, I still haven't eaten any of it.

I also made more sense in my head last night, but couldn't write without crying so I didn't. Mrs. Asshole called me just after lunch today so we've been drinking for hours.
I'm deciding which me I like better.

Love you

I'm having a rash of people losing people right now and my PMSing ass is having a hard time with it. I called Mom just to thank her for still being here, and that turned into a CONVERSATION, but it was still ok.
I'm ok, but, if you're still reading this, besides you JS, you know I love you, thank you. I love you all too.
I'll be calling Dad tomorrow to thank him for his house where I and friends raided his freezer and had dinner after his Dad died. Friend and I both needed the calm place, and I'm thinking I need to go back to it because coming home has made me an emotional mess. Geeze.

Back to the sentiment of the moment, I am a loving person, I don't like bullshit, and get tired of mine on a regular basis, pretty much why I haven't said much lately. If you need something, let me know, I can at least be a shoulder to cry on. Take care kids.

So it's been that long?

Mom is currently cancer free so YAY!
Or at least PET scan says she is, have to have a couple of other things done, but lymphoma is gone for now.
It's a really good time to be unemployed because Annie's aunts are acting up and she needs to be gone a lot. It's a really bad time to be unemployed because it's messing with my head something awful. I don't need much to mess with that anyway.

I think I should go to bed, or work on the book I'm writing because hey, most people get a hit when they've hit bottom right? LOL

New and Improved

Mom is going to get her test results all by herself tomorrow. I guess she's a big girl now. She told me she didn't need me to go with, it wouldn't change the results, and she's right so there we go.

I've been depressed as hell lately, but still maintaining because somebody has to right?
Weepy has been replaced by sleepy so I'll go to bed soon.

It was 80's at The Dive tonight just because, and I need to look up Sass Jordan again because I loved her, but it may have been only me that did.

Lucy has kicked me to the curb. I can't remember if it's because I'm an inconsiderate asshole or an insensitive bitch, or both, but that is what it is.

Annie may have a job so good for her. I'm looking at leaving everything again because I can.
Think I'll go sleep because I can. Night kids.