Aftermath of Abuse Part 1 of a Million

I would say I’m the real live version of an emotionally abused women. And it sounds so stupid. I was never kicked or punched or thrown on the ground- he was too smart for that. But the amount I played into his game, it’s no wonder I wasn’t thrown into this cell with him.
But I know it’s not stupid. I know emotional abuse is just as stunning as physical. But,

I have thought that a physical death, would be easier to handle. It’s gone. No more damage could be done.
But this ? I have to live with this grief for a while yet, still in the loop of push and pull and repeat. Because I’m a human and feel and by gawd, it’s a struggle to live everyday. We have a son together!!

I have trauma I never thought me of all people, would ever have.
I gave into Love. To someone that deserved such a low percentage of all that I had to give.
And I was resistant to love all this time!!! And then giving it finally?

And I have this to show for it? LOL.
An idiot. A whole part of life I’ll consider the dumbest way of conducting myself. I fell for my negligence of self.

Fack!

Trying Understanding

I’m going to try and write this to have it resemble some sort of grace and patience. For myself.
I’ve felt so wildly stupid ever since I lost my calm and collect with my ex. Discussing mediation. The reality hit strong and hard and the reason I only contacted him so soon after the date was confirmed for it, was because he pressured me with asking three times. Why didn’t I wait till it was closer to the date? I guess I wanted to show him that I was going to do the things I told him- specially since I told him three times now. He’s very conniving!
Anyways, I didn’t get mad at him, I just let emotion slip out. And of course he showed nothing. And everything changed after that call because I told him I didn’t like him. I was trying to like him again. I turned him down after him asking if maybe we could get back together.
And once that door opened, he flipped the script. He took back some control that he had lost.
And I have felt stupid ever since. So evident the motions of all of this.
And so comes the refuel of grace I need for myself.
I’m dealing with not a good person and the justice and the sadness and the hurt and the ache, is a freaking’ LOT. My heart is breaking day after day.
Give myself some understanding.

Didn’t Have Internet

The data on my phone plan ran out so I didn’t have internet for five days. It was kind of nice. There were times I went to look up how to bake salmon or what a red dot on the eye meant and couldn’t. I feel like I got more life out of my days. I could still text and make calls- what phones were originally just for. I was more present and wrote a ton in my journal. I found I thought a lot more. Or at least, not just the idle, brain goop you think of when scrolling. So I felt it was pretty decent of an experience. Could I live without internet? Likely, but I do see how there are so many ways it is nice to have. A dangerous luxury.

Made the Choice

I didn’t think about the excuses but I thought about making some.
I just kept my head focused on the decision. I had made the decision and I was going to stand firm on it.
I wrapped up in layers, touque and mitts and boots. I very quickly bundled up my baby. I was sure about my decision but I wasn’t sure how long I could fend off my natural instinct to make excuses much longer.
And then
there we were. Out in the blazing sun ( which we have not seen a lot recently here in Canada ) and we were walking. Well I was and pushing a stroller. Around the blocks, over the ice, down side streets with no real direction. The only purpose to get the body moving and the fresh air.
I felt my heart rate elevate, I saw the puffs of my silence enter into the morning. I felt tension in my shoulders fall away.

I made the choice to go for a walk and it was one of the best decisions I made today.

Hold On

Stay strong, stay well. Stay loyal to yourself in the biggest of swells.
Mean what you want to mean, and don’t be afraid. Assert yourself and don’t be ashamed.
He’s trying to trick you, he’s trying to lure you in, throw you off course and drag you down thin.
His claws are sharp, but so are your wits, keep holding yourself and don’t take the hits.


Standing For the Better

Spatter of black birds like chocolate chips, standing on the white snow.
Little elegant twigs like grey candy canes, standing guard, tall and low.
Wise and broken me- like a bruised apple, I could sit in the fruit basket of my home.
But mildly hopeful and strategically humble, standing my ground because it is something I own.