Information, it is what I love.

My little family took an evening drive to a relative’s farm. The blood that runs through my veins doesn’t have a drop of “farmer” in them. I’m not super tight with animals. There are a handful of dogs that have been in my life that I loved like family. Other than that, I have allergies that used to send me to the ER with asthma attacks. That has subsided a little over the years but I still generally create a nice safe barrier between me and most animals. Unless you are a very particular dog, I tend to keep my distance…like a lot. Anyway, we all had a great time at the farm. The kids enjoyed the horses. I did, too. Their size and strength both intimidates me and has me wanting to be around them.  I know very little about them other than that I want to touch their velvety mouths. While my husband and kids enjoyed simply being in the environment, I need more. I need information.

“So what’s that stuff you’re rubbing on her?”

“How old is she? How long have you had her? Where did you get her?”

“Why are they making those noises?”

“Should I not go near them when they are eating?”

The questions continued. A lot of it is just plain curiosity. Some is that I feel more comfortable when I know about things. I’m by no means “the less I know the better” kind of person. I like to understand how things work.

Now, let’s take this philosophy and turn it over to my son’s mental health issues. The more you know, the better, right?

I wish it has been that easy…

For a year and a half, I deprived myself of information. The closest diagnosis we have received is a mood disorder. That mostly means bipolar disorder but, it is very difficult to diagnose in young children. Since my son is just shy of six, a diagnosis becomes more of a waiting game. However, as of right now, symptoms tend to be pointing heavily in that direction. When the possibility of bipolar disorder was first brought to the table I immediately felt relief. The relief came from someone else acknowledging that something is wrong.  My husband and I have known for quite a while that something is wrong but we have been discounted and discredited many times.

That relief faded in a matter of a day or two. I took to doing what I do best and informing myself. Only, some of what I was reading scared me. How could it not?  Like so many situations in life, I needed time to grieve a future that I thought was in store…for him, for me, for my family. It is very much like addiction in that way. My entire family is impacted. Unfortunately, it has taken me quite a while to do that. I even went through a period of time that I obsessed over the possibility of him one day wanting to take his life. It consumed me for months. I would sob. It is where so much of my current anxiety struggles came from. I felt like I needed to find a way to prepare myself if that ever happened. When I finally got into a therapist, I told her all this. I knew where my anxiety was coming from. I just didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t even tell my husband. We have a wonderful marriage. I just didn’t know how to tell him how afraid I was that our child might want to die someday. And even more, that I would have no idea how to survive that myself.

I can’t sit here and say that those thoughts still don’t cross my mind. I think I have just slowly shifted my thoughts back to now. I have to stay in what is directly around me. Some days it is a desperate effort to try to stay into today.

Just this week, I have been able to open the books again. It took me a while but, I’m in a place emotionally where I am ready to take in the information. I don’t feel as much like the words are stirring a pot of fear. The words are now helping me gain some power back. I need to be on the side of information. It is what is going to help me and my family. It’s true, I still want to read those books about bipolar disorder and be able to feel respite in that there is no real connection to my child. However,practically every scenario they speak of for symptom criteria is there. I am finally accepting that. The diagnosis may change but the symptoms are still the same.

Being accepting of what is in front of me and following my soul is what is going to get me through this. I have taken on a lot of well-intended misguidance. It’s almost like a quote on Facebook. Just because it is put on a pretty background and given a name behind it, doesn’t make it true to my scenario. I have to be more careful of that. We are all living different scenarios. This is mine. Many people will not understand. My hope is to be a voice for those going through this and to help others understand the loneliness and isolation we are up against.

What I have learned in all of this is that information isn’t in the actual thing in which I have been seeking. It’s knowledge. Knowledge, by definition, is an acquaintance with facts and truths. How beautiful a thought. That is what I have needed. I have to form a positive relationship with the information I am getting. It’s not the information that has the power. It’s the knowledge that we develop from it.

Openness is something I welcomed as a new trait in myself once I got sober. The game of hide-and-seek that accompanied my lifestyle had grown more tiresome than I thought. It’s one of those things that I didn’t realize how daunting it grew to be until it changed. That is one of the top things that keeps me where I am today…the freedom and lightness of not needing to hide anything.

Over the course of the last year or two, I have been experiencing things I have never experienced before. Most of that is outside myself, something that has a large impact on my life that I have absolutely no control over. It has in turn created an internal struggle that I can’t seem to pull together on any level. In early recovery, I took well to learning what I could control and what I couldn’t. Granted, when I say “well” I mean it probably took me a good year or two. Letting things go became easier and easier over time. I was able to stop worrying about how other people did things and only focus on being the kind of person I wanted to be.  It’s amazing what happened when I stopped being angry at everyone around me and instead put the focus on myself. Transformation took place only when I watered my own soil.

Life had been good. I found peace and arrived at a good place.

Then life said “hold on a minute.”

The stress in our home is overwhelming. I have even read that the stress level at times in homes like ours can leave someone like me with similar effects of post-combat veterans. You see, I am in an unhealthy relationship. Only it’s not what you think. I have a caring husband who asks me what I need all the time. I write of him often on here. We have a solid and beautiful relationship. So this is where I have to tell you that the unhealthy relationship I’m in is with my son. He is only five. And that sweet boy has a mental illness. It is probably safe to say that I am the receptor of a majority of his outbursts.

This is where that has brought me…

Over the last year I have struggled with anxiety like I have never had before. I haven’t taken any anxiety or depression medication since leaving rehab over eight years ago and last fall I had to be prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. When you are someone with a past of abusing medications…that, in itself, is anxiety inducing. Granted, it’s a non-narcotic one that I only take when necessary. It’s still unsettling. I remember leaving that appointment feeling such disappointment in myself…I felt failure. I wondered if my husband would judge me. It took a lot of reassurance to understand that it was necessary. I had experienced two major panic attacks that were so scary. One was on a trip to NYC and one was on a trip for work. They left me feeling out of control and fragile. Both were horribly embarrassing. Luckily, the one in NYC was with my husband only. He was so supportive and wonderful once he knew what was going on. Unfortunately, in situations where I used to be completely comfortable, I now feel completely panicked.

So back to where my anxiety has manifested and taken me hostage because that’s what it feels like. I have talked previously about how I, maybe wrongly, created a comfort zone for myself in recovery. I stick with the things I like and I don’t mind saying no to things that make me uncomfortable. Only now, the universe has decided to take that away from me in a very unsubtle way.  And so here I am with a situation I have absolutely no control over. There is practically no way to predict in any given moment how my son will react to a situation. Simple outings to the grocery store can turn into me getting kicked and punched. My other two children would absolutely never dream of that. Even if they did, they would understand the consequences of those actions and it would take relatively little time for that behavior to be turned around. That is absolutely not the case with my youngest, in any manner.

As I have described to many close friends and family over the last year, I am a “ducks in a row” kind of girl. Yet, I have found my ducks scattering. Since I can’t seem to find any control over so many things in my daily life, I have been having anxiety about all the things I am desperately trying to control. So even when the controllable becomes off (i.e. being a few minutes late for something), I find myself on the verge on another annoying panic attack. Then I get disgusted with myself for not being able to control it and figure it out. And if I have to take an anti-anxiety pill, I feel guilt for not being able to figure it out without a pill.  Anxiety about anxiety is one of the most annoying things to experience. Even though I can tell myself over and over how irrational my thoughts are, it doesn’t seem to change the anxiousness. This constant cycle is exhausting. I feel beat down. I feel weakened. When people pay me compliments, all I do is think in my head of how wrong they are. I struggle to even muster up a courteous “thank you” because what I really want to do is tell them that I am actually not strong at all. I want to tell them I am failing and I have no idea how I am going to get better.  I feel even worse that it is all related to the powerlessness I feel over a beautiful five-year old. A boy who is, just like me, doing the best he can.

I have started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for myself.  I don’t shy away from that. There is no shame for me in seeking help. The shame is that I’m disappointed that it had to happen. I know that’s pretty natural. I get it but it doesn’t take the feeling away.

Maybe that brings me to why I’m writing this. I took writing away from myself. Many people have been encouraging me to get back at it. My biggest struggle with it is because of my son. As much as I want to be open about this whole process and how it relates to me and our family, I don’t want to take away his right to make that decision for himself. I have decided that it’s too important not to share. Too many parents like me, have not a single person to turn to for help in their lives, not personally or professionally. I am lucky enough to have sought help for addiction and have a partner who also embraces a life where negative stigma surrounding addiction and mental health has no place. So if I’m not using the platform I have to help create understanding and change, then I am not helping myself and I am certainly not helping my family and my son.

I am not going to get into the logistics in this post of where we are at with him in the treatment process. That alone could cause anyone anxiety. Seeking mental health care for children is an absolutely insulting process. I can’t stress that enough. That is a whole other blog post. It’s actually probably more like dozens if not hundreds of blog posts. You think your child is diabetic? You will get help right away. You think your child has some serious mental health concerns that completely make the daily life of your family a constant struggle? Maybe in a year we will see you. In the meantime, good luck dealing with the staggeringly large people that will make you feel like horrible parents.

I hope you’ll bear with me while I navigate this. I already second-guess myself a dozen times a day. I will be back-tracking a lot and sharing things that have happened over the last couple years that have brought us to the now. I also want to end this with making something very clear. Even though I am really struggling with things right now, I have faith that this is making me a stronger, better person in the long run. My boy is making me a stronger, better person. I hope more than anything that he will always know that. He wasn’t given to us because we are strong. He is making my husband and I better people. Sometimes, when we can’t change our kids, maybe it’s time to change ourselves.

Social media is sometimes a curse. It is a petri dish that cultivates negativity. However, in the last week and a half, it has been a place for me that washed negativity away like a rain refreshes a dry ground. My little town has seen loss. I know that doesn’t make us different than many other small towns. As the age of the internet consumes much of the country, small town businesses are caving. There is bad news after bad news. Our mall is potentially on the verge of closing and is at less than 50% occupancy. On top of that, a few shocking deaths within a week of our small town community had the town succumbing to tears of sadness and hopelessness. But then something happened…

One beautiful soul decided to start a Facebook event which honored the fallen. Around here, we are known as Red Raiders. Since we seemed to be losing so much and so many, she started a page to pay tribute. What was started by one person, was quickly grown into over 2,500. People slowly started posting memories and pictures of Red Raiders that are no longer with us. The number of pictures and tributes that flooded the sight left me in complete shock. In a town full of emotion, it was almost overwhelming. For me, I couldn’t stop looking. My heart almost couldn’t take it anymore. With every beautiful tribute I read, I shed more and more tears. In a town that seemed to be gripped by so much tragedy, we realized something… not one of us is alone. Stories were presented and evoked love and laughter, clinging memories, and even a communal sense that too many are taken far too early.  In a town that previously seemed so full of anger, we turned into a town full of compassion, love, and pride.

I’ve felt slight changes in myself in the last week. My hugs have been more free flowing. My messages and phone calls to others have been more frequent.  My smiles and gestures have been a little softer. When your heart pours over there is only one thing to do…give it away. My hope is that even if when these strong emotions take on a lighter hue in coming months, we each reminisce back to today…this day when a town is full of red, when multiple businesses have changed their signs to support the Fallen Raiders, when people shared themselves and their stories with such love and pride in hopes that those they love so dearly will never be forgotten.

I wish it were more frequent, but hearing someone from Massena say with complete conviction how proud they are of their town isn’t exactly common. Today, I am far from the first person to say with tears in my eyes how overwhelmingly proud I am of my Massena small town. So to every person who posted on the Facebook page for Fallen Raiders…

Thank you. You made me a better person.

Before you get ready to tackle any Cyber Monday Shopping, I want to throw a link your way that can be used to shop on Amazon.  The fabulous thing is that it can be used JUST like Amazon.  Everything is the same, but a great non-profit organization of Sober Mommies can get a little financial benefit from it.  Sober Mommies has a site I used to be a regular contributor to before I decided I wanted to focus on my own blog.  I, however, still keep tight contact with all the great ladies over there.  So if you are going to get your shop on, why not help them out in the process.  Total no brainer!!

Sober Mommies founder , Julie Maida, hopes that funds raised will allow her to reach more women and provide more support to Moms trying to get and stay sober.  So here is the link to Amazon Smile to benefit Sober Mommies.