Refocusjoy's Blog

I had an eye opening conversation yesterday. It made me stressed. That’s why I avoid more than casual conversation with people but that’s also why I am ignorant about a lot of things. My mechanic is a passionate guy with strong opinions. He talked about the virus cases and about the government and about the economy. I went home stressed and tried to analyze why. I think it was because if he thought this way, believing in conspiracy theories, there are many others who think the same way around me. It is hard to have a conversation with someone who brings up ideas based on small grains of truth but expanded into lies. My brother said he knows a lot of people who are Trump supporters and isn’t surprised about that. It makes me worried about the fall election. I am not into politics but these past four years have been frustrating for various reasons. The main one is that I just want a leader who can help and not hurt others, give hope and not despair, present encouraging and not inflammatory comments, be useful and not unhelpful. I understand that people are one issue voters, I am, but doesn’t the character of a person mean anything? Why are smart people blind?

The second issue is the originating of the term, “fake news.” I find it so distasteful and frustrating for the reporters. Of course there is biased news. But it doesn’t help that the leader of our country turns his back on major news outlets. I know that some ways to deal with a bully is to ignore him or to figure out where he has been hurt before and understand his motivation that way. This one though is all for himself. I hate seeing people in negative light. I have always believed the good in others. (Probably because I live with my head in the clouds most days.)

Anne Frank wrote, “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

I have trouble believing this recently. But I remind myself of Paul’s words in my favorite Bible passage. Philippians 2 talks about humility and looking out for others. Paul points to Jesus as the ultimate example of a servant. This is the type of attitude a leader should attempt. Heck, this is the attitude we should ALL reach for. It’s when you’ve been wronged that you become the bully in action or in words and don’t think others deserve better.

I just had a lot of jumbled thoughts here but wanted to get them down. I remind myself to keep looking to the word because it reminds us that a lot worse has happened and God was part of everything. He is in control and has a plan that we cannot understand. My hope is found in Him. It’s hard to remember sometimes. My hope is found in God.

Being a part time SAHM is the best of both worlds. But still have the trials of a full time SAHM. For instance, I’ve always struggled with feeling the lack of purpose or accomplishment on the days I’m home with the kids. When I work, I spend so much energy but I get results right away. With the kids, I don’t have a pay check or finished notes telling me I completed my job.

So I thought I could write down the things I’ve done and see how accomplished I’ve been so far today! Things that aren’t always part of the typical day (like brushing my hair or teeth, but I may include the normal yet difficult tasks)

– straightened my hair.

– got through the whole morning routine with Noah without a single whine or crying, even a smile when I sang a song to Morgan.

– played at Dream Big in Monrovia; Noah actually laughed and went off on his own to play. (And cried and shook the little gate when we had to leave.)

– unfortunately he didn’t eat anything at lunch even though I took him to get his favorite (California roll), but got through lunch and fed Morgan a lot

-took a nap myself for 15 minutes while the two slept, they’re still sleeping!

– went through a couple Mandarin online lessons

– read the week’s Bible passage for BSF (prepping for the year)

– read a chapter in one of my current Kindle books on how to do marriage

Whew! That’s a lot. 🤣

Another thing I’m trying to do is have a grateful heart. That would alleviate the stress I put on myself, since it’s related to internal negative thoughts and complaints.

I am thankful that I am able to do things in air-conditioned places. How hard it would be to endure this heat without AC.

That’s my life!

My sister recently gave me a devotional entitled New Morning Mercies, by Paul David Tripp, for my birthday. I started it today and the first entry already spoke to me. It was about what love is: true, humble, joyful, and perseverant. I especially liked this line, “I am tempted still to assess the ‘good’ of a day by whether it pleased me versus whether I pleased God and was loving toward others.” Ouch. This has always been how I live my life although I never saw it as such a practical result. I knew I was selfish but I didn’t realize it would backfire and impact my own psyche negatively. Especially when I was on my first maternity leave or even on my days off from work and dealing with my kid(s), I’d get depressed if I hadn’t done anything productive that day or if had to deal with a temper tantrum. It was about how I felt, not anyone else, let alone me infant or toddler.

Tripp goes on to say, “I still am tempted to live as if I own my life and still fail to remember that I was bought with a price. And all of this causes life to be burdensome rather than joyful…It really is true that when you’re living for you, the call to love others is always a burden for you.” Double ouch. The call to love my child no matter how he behaves is hard. But there, in the Bible, has been the answer this whole time. It’s amazing that we can know something and not really understand it until it’s presented in a different way.

I need to look toward God’s love in order to have the love in my own heart to give others joyfully. In my case recently, my toddler.

It’s one of those frustrating moments when you want to vent to your best friend about someone but then sadly remember your best friend is the one who’s upset at you. I sometimes wish I had a close girlfriend to discuss everything instead of just having my husband to talk things out with. Things I have been praying for is a close friend, a close young couple our age, and a close mentor older couple. People need people.

Since I live in a small town, I get to walk by little boutique shops, coffee bars, restaurants, yoga studios, salons, and other stores. I used to think about the perfect shop to study in while I slaved away at the books during college, med school, residency, and even afterwards studying for the boards. It’d be a combo of Starbucks and Panera. Add 85c Bakery and Tea Station and a ramen shop. Homey atmosphere with passion fruit green tea with lychee jelly or a java chip frap, brioche, and a combo sandwich/soup or bowl of ramen and I’m in heaven. Would have small tables for studying with plugs for chargers, good WiFi, and quiet music. There are frequently businesses going out of business in town so I always think about starting a shop. I would add merchandise like at Nucleus art gallery or other cute things and books. Too bad I don’t have the guts to start it. It would be kinda fun. I imagine You’ve Got Mail vibe of small bookstore (although she went out of business so probably not good). It’s fun to dream though.

We finally tackled the daunting task of packing for our move to our new house. And we chose the hardest room, our office—the room with all the books, papers strewn about, boxes of memories of pictures and birthday/thank you/Christmas cards and trinkets.

That was hard. We went through half the room in an hour and a half. I think we did well. Every time I go through that room I discover a new memory and am able to toss out even more old things and get a book pile to donate.

I feel slightly sad to throw out things especially old cards but cleaning is the only time I ever see them. It is nice to remember things like letter writing. Old friends and family who wrote birthday and thank you and Christmas cards (Rita, Ainos, Christine, Julie, Kristina, Gloria, Janizza, Jason, Nancy, Tammy!) I have commemorated them here. 😀

Trinkets and old postcards that I used as decoration in college dorm and apartments since then. Now I’ve grown up and have my kids’ pictures as decorations.

I’m too tired to write more but I have a lot of emotions happy and bittersweet about cleaning out those things. More years to make more memories to collect dust…happily.

As a mom with a toddler and newborn, and as a new homeowner, I get so consumed by little details of life. What to eat, what to feed the toddler, where to go to get him some playtime, when to put him down for a nap, meet the gardener or the tree trimmer (which totally slipped my mind today) or the contractor or the moving guy, call companies to take the previous tenant off their catalogue mailing list. Little things that should be done, but some don’t absolutely need to be done. I feel productive when something is done but then at the end of the day I feel the weight that there are so many more things that I need to do.

It’s like the unending loads of laundry or the piles of dishes or the vacuuming. These things come up every day or once a week. For someone who likes to check boxes off a to-do list, it’s stressful and frustrating. But I suppose they have to be done.

I guess I’ll take a deep breath and focus on being grateful. Grateful that I have a house to clean and take care of, grateful that have a toddler to feed and love, grateful that I have clothes to wash and food to eat.

I finished my bible study homework. I cut my nails. I did some laundry. I fed my toddler without ANY fussing. He is now playing ON HIS OWN while I watch SYTYCD. I feel productive.

After having a second baby a month ago, I was better prepared for the change in identity because I knew about the need for change in my definition of “productivity.” Being a mom vs being a pediatrician. Different goals. I read somewhere that being a mom is both overwhelming and under-stimulating. Encapsulates these baby/toddler years so well.

The newborn isn’t causing me trouble…yet. I know what to expect: do not expect your expectations to be met but that every kid may act differently and that’s okay. The toddler is the one who keeps me on my toes. But with each new skill he discovers I feel more proud of him. I am learning to be patient and to see that each “bad” habit is just a phase and there will be something new to figure out how to discipline. So I’ll focus on being encouraging, on letting him be curious and learn himself, and on being positive and patient with him and myself.

How do you stop dwelling on negative thoughts that may only be partial-truths and the rest exaggerated lies? For the past 6 months or so, I’ve been stuck on thinking I’m a failure as a mom because I can’t get my baby to eat well consistently. There were probably only 10 or 15 times that he ate well and didn’t just want sweets (I guess fruits are okay). Some days, I laugh it off. But most other days, I take it personally and think I’m ruining him for his development since he can’t speak aloud yet (at least signs a few words) and isn’t walking yet. It probably is just a phase, but I also worry that in the future he will likely not meet another “goal” of mine for him and then what? Will my insistence on dwelling on the negative always be my reality? I’m so tired of it and he’s only 16 months old! What am I going to do with two kids in another 6 weeks?!

I have to focus on truths and not let myself think about the negative, especially at night with nothing to distract me. Breathe. Read the Bible. Go for a walk. Pray and pour out my heart to God. Remember whose I am (God’s).

My baby is now almost 15 months old! He makes me laugh with his serious face and his hair standing up all the time. The thing that gets me stressed still is meal time. Ever since he was born, I’ve been stressed about meals. Nursing was harder than I expected. I did not feel like I made enough for him but he was just such a finicky eater. He didn’t like the bottle either. So his weight gain was just so slow. And I feel like that has affected his growth and development. He still is a finicky eater. There are some days that I am so thrilled he eats everything. But for the past 3-4 months, he’s had mild colds or some illness that I think has affected his eating. That, or he just still does not like to eat. He would devour anything sweet though, like mango, orange, ice cream, yogurt. But rice or vegetables, it’s like torture. TORTURE.

I dread mealtimes.

I sit him down in his high chair, strap him in, put the tray on, put his bib on, and then offer him a spoonful of his food. There’s a split second where I have a sense of hope that maybe this time he will open his mouth. Many times though, my heart sinks when I see him clamp his lips together and turn his head away. In the past, I started offering him food with apple sauce and he’ll like that. But recently, it hasn’t been doing it’s magic. He turns away, whines, and points to something on the table but I don’t know what he wants. I guess he may just want to play but when I put him down, he starts whimpering and prefers for me to hold him. He hasn’t started to speak yet other than Hi. And he would sign “please” but he doesn’t do that unless he wants mango.

It reminds me of my relationship with God. I am sure I act like my baby N when I am trying to get my way. Maybe I don’t want to spend my energy and time with people that need to be shown love. Maybe I prefer to stay home and veg out on my weekends. Or better yet, why can’t I have someone come shower me with love? I constantly am clamping my lips and shaking my head and crying when I’m offered something good from God. It doesn’t seem good. But I know that when I do His will, when I obey, I gain more from the experience. He is trying to help me.

Knowing things about babies and toddlers is different from experiencing them though. I know that every child is different and that every child will want to show their independence. But experiencing it is gut wrenching. It is a dagger when he does not want to eat. It is a mark of failure on my forehead for all to see and point to and laugh at. I still can cry when it happens and sometimes in front of him, and then I feel like more of a failure.  If only he could understand.

If only I could understand what God wants. But He only shows me so much that my brain can understand and I have to trust Him with the rest.