Marriage is Work

Posted on by jvenable18

Let’s face it, marriage is a beautiful thing, especially when it’s working well, and a marriage that is working well is not without problems. Marriage works when two adults actively participate in doing what it takes to keep things together within their covenant, and they do it with their whole being.

The wedding day is the beginning of the journey.

It’s helpful if you came from a family where your parents modeled marriage well and made you begin to think about your future as a married person. Parents who display authentic love can provide incredible guidance for their children when taking that huge step. Marriage is one of those areas where you can do better with a village of successfully married couples from which to glean information.

On the other hand, this article is not designed to disregard those who didn’t come from a happily married set of parents. Successful marriages are comprised of many ingredients, so anyone who chooses their mate well and works hard at staying together can enjoy the fruits of their labor in love.

It’s notable that one theme that continues to show up in marriage articles is the importance of the father in the home. Basically, these articles support the important role of fathers actively participating in their children’s development. Fathers validate their sons by encouraging them to be the best men that they can be while showing their daughters love through gentle protection as their first encounters with a male. Remember the saying “Daddy’s little girl?” When children grow up in a nurturing and loving environment with their fathers, they develop an insight for choosing a good mate. If nothing else, the adult child will defer to mom and dad for guidance. Again, being successfully married is not predicated on this one theme since that would be way too rigid for the world in which we live. Currently, I have not conducted research, but I feel certain there are many people who never knew their fathers yet went on to become great husbands and wives.

Potential Areas of Concern

This topic of marriage being work is very important and is not discussed nearly as much as it should be. When a couple decides to make their union official before God, family, and friends, obtaining some wisdom and understanding about what marriage can really be like is paramount. All too often, we fantasize about marriage as if it will magically change everything that’s wrong in the world. Too much attention is placed on the wedding and not the marriage. While taking great pictures and purchasing the tallest cake and the most magnificent dress is important, none of these things is as important as how well the two of you will work together to keep the marriage on track. Summarily, the real work begins after the nuptials. Are you two ready?

The wedding is important but not as much as the marriage.

Some of the work that marriage requires is having protective care and concern for your mate no matter what. There must be genuine love (not lust), friendship, and concern for the one you have chosen to travel through the next years of your life. The love being described here goes deeper than infatuation and surface-level involvement. It’s the type of love that will endure any adversity that might come against you or your spouse. When the love needed to grow in marriage is present, it will eradicate extreme narcissistic behavior, arrogance, selfishness, impatience, short-sightedness, envy, and disrespect for your “best friend” (just to name a few). The work means saying “I’m sorry” first and often simply because your partner’s mental and emotional well-being is too important for you to get caught up in trivial, childlike behavior. There cannot be a constant measuring of who did what, when, where, last, or the most. Does this begin to create visuals for what the work is when two people are constantly together over many years?

Unfortunately, some individuals will move forward with marriage plans for all the wrong reasons leaving the relationship in a vulnerable position and without the strong foundation required to survive. In these situations, people get caught up in the physical or financial aspects of their soon-to-be spouse. An immature man or woman may choose biceps and breasts over other important matters. And, no, there is nothing wrong with desiring a well-toned spouse. But these things should not be the building blocks for marriage, nor can money. With age, bodies change. With economics, finances can be obliterated. So, what’s holding the marriage together if that’s all you married for?

Physical attraction will change with time.

To paint a more descriptive picture of the level of commitment required for marriage, I’ll share the following examples. An acquaintance of mine worked in a women’s clinic where women with stage 3 and 4 uterine cancer were being deserted by their husbands while on their sick beds. The description of how awful it was to see patients who were already feeling their worse look even more sullen as their spouses started divorce proceedings or simply disappeared from them as they approached their final days of life. On the flip side, some husbands shed tears as they realized they were losing the love of their lives. Will you have love, care, and commitment when rough times occur?

Another major issue requiring work within marriages is money. Prenups are still being drawn up by attorneys when partners desire to protect premarital assets in the event the relationship fails. Today’s couples seem to put as much emphasis on things not working as they do on saving their marriages. The coin reason for divorce today is irreconcilable differences. What an easy escape hatch! Usually, with the excess baggage so many individuals bring into their marriages, trust and the willingness to fight for the marriage may be missing from day one. So, if nothing else, people will protect their stuff.

Also, with money, having separate bank accounts has become an accepted norm in today’s marriages provided there is a separate house account established. This is not a bad idea at all because most adults resent having funds doled out to them like they are children. Both spouses should have some unique funds for themselves without having to account for their spending. These accounts should have an agreed spending limit so that nothing outlandish takes place. This also helps the spouses with transparency. Marriage, money, secrets, and deception do not collectively fit well together.

Finally, large ticket items should not be a part of the separate account deal as these types of purchases can affect the house account. A car is not a one-time financial transaction. After the purchase, there is a car note, insurance, inspection, and maintenance expense. All of these items cannot be covered in the average couple’s personal account but will be passed on to the housing account. Trust me, this can spell trouble if either spouse is budget conscious.

The Marriage Journey and Beyond

The journey to marriage begins when two people have had the opportunity to date, vet, and understand each other (hopefully) ultimately deciding to get married. There may be a brief or lengthy engagement before the actual wedding date. If the couple plans on celebrating their silver anniversary together, premarital counseling would be highly recommended so that important matters are not overlooked. Actually, dealbreakers might be revealed during these counseling sessions.

So, what are some of these questions that a marriage counselor may ask?

*Do you both share the same vision or outlook about money? Let’s hear from each of you about this scenario. (Money/economics is one of the top reasons for divorce.)

*Do you both want children, and when? Sometimes one spouse will want to have a few years of marriage without children before starting a family. This is important.

*How will you two split the holidays between families? Is spending time with your families during the holidays important to you both?

*If your marriage creates a blended family, what is the strategy for dealing with ex-wives or husbands as well as the child(ren)?

*How do you resolve disagreements?

Talk it out before marriage.

A really good marriage counselor will have an inventory of questions that take a deep dive into potential marital issues. Counselors will encourage both individuals to open up while sharing how important “fighting fair” is in the relationship. He/she will remind the couple that problems will not magically disappear just because they got married. If anything, problems will be magnified, forcing you to air out your differences.

Again, reading from a variety of sources, people have credited premarital counseling with saving their lives from a huge mistake. These changes didn’t occur just because of numerous red flags but sometimes because one area of incompatibility was too important to move forward. Personally, it’s better to have this type of revelation before marriage than to wake up with the wrong person as your spouse.

Once marriage counseling is completed and the good outweighs the bad, it’s time to move forward with the wedding. On the wedding day, the couple places their love on display for everyone they care about to see. Once the vows have been spoken, the announcement of man and wife has occurred, and families and friends have celebrated your special day, it’s time to begin your marriage journey. You both get on the “cruise ship“(your marriage) and sail off into the sunset to a destination that only you two can determine. Will the ship return with the same two people over the years? I hope so.

Sailing on the cruise ship of love.

In conclusion, treat your marriage with the greatest of care. After all, it is a gift to both of you. If you’re lucky, you married your best friend. I always like hearing someone say that about their spouse. Whenever possible, take the opportunity to interview couples who have been married for 20, 30, or more years to see what wisdom they can offer to help keep your marriage on course. Never fail to address problems in your marriage when they happen. Avoidance or procrastination can be detrimental to the peace and harmony of your relationship. If this relationship has value to you and your spouse, then you will have to fight for it.

Do the work and watch your marriage grow.

Enjoy marital bliss as often as you can, and never fail to do the work required to keep it together.

Best!!

To Marry or Not to Marry

Posted on by jvenable18

In today’s world, there is much emphasis placed on creating a traditional family. The template looks like this: Man meets woman; Man likes woman; Man and woman fall in love and get married; Man and woman has two or three children, a dog, and a nice home with a picket fence. Now, you have a family and live happily ever after.

Marriage is beautiful.

Overall, that template is good for those who want to be married. However, there are some people who do not want any parts of marriage for reasons that matter specifically to them.

Dr. Suzanne Lachmann’s article “Me Before We” (Psychology Today, September 5, 2013) suggests that we “make peace with the reasons we stay single or work to allow intimacy.” She presents in her article “5 Reasons People Choose to Stay Single” some fairly complex rationale as to how this can happen: Her list is as follows:

  • Blurred boundaries in your past
  • Guardedness and rigid boundaries: Confusing signals from past caregivers
  • Trauma
  • Natural State of being
  • Intense, unmeetable need

If you get an opportunity to read the entire article, each item in the list makes good sense. However, if you’re on the fence about being totally against marriage, perhaps therapy is an option to help with those unresolved emotions that can lead to more intimate relationships.

Another article by Dr. Bella DePaulo titled “Living Single” (Psychology Today, March 29, 2020) paints a very clear picture that more and more people are staying single for life, and social scientists are starting to learn what their lives are really like. Dr. DePaulo breaks the article into two categories.

Being single is awesome!

Two Ways Lifelong Singles Are Doing Really Well in Later life, and One Way They Are Not:

  • As people progress from mid-life through old age, those who stay single feel happier and happier with their lives
  • Staying single pays off with lesser loneliness in old age.
  • However, lifelong single people are at much greater risk for financial insecurity in later life than married people.

For Lifelong Singles, Is Old Age Different for Women than for Men?

  • Older women who have been single all their lives are typically doing fine.
  • Society has more of a problem believing older women are doing fine; so, single women bear the emotional labor of having to explain and account for their lifelong singlehood.
  • Comparing lifelong single men to married or previously married men, in some ways, they do less well.
  • In one important way, the lifelong single women are usually less secure financially than lifelong single men.

So, these are just two researched articles of many out there about why people choose singleness over married life. There are pros and cons for each. However, the most important thing is that people refrain from judging those who choose to live their lives on their terms. If marriage is not on your radar, don’t apologize for that. Do you!! Live your best life and thrive!!

Best!!

Boundaries to the Rescue

Posted on by jvenable18

What do you say when someone insists on telling you about a problem when you have already told them that you need to get some sleep for an early meeting tomorrow?

What’s your response to a new suitor taking you to a strip club when you both have already discussed what does and doesn’t make you comfortable on an evening out?

How do you handle an overly aggressive partner who constantly calls you at work for senseless things?

Establish Clear Boundaries

An article by Ida Soghomonian (September 23, 2019) stated the definition of boundaries means anything that marks a border. It’s a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something or the limit of a subject, principle, or relationship.

Today’s society seems more self-centered than several decades ago. People understood that it was inappropriate to call someone after 9 p.m. or call anyone at work unless it was a dire emergency. A plethora of rules has changed due to these evolving times in which we live including the onslaught of cell phones, social media posts, and other cultural shifts like remote working situations. Your friends and family may not understand that working from home means working from home, and not another opportunity to socialize.

Stable, durable fences keep us safe.

These types of changes within our various environments have made it more important than ever to define boundaries within our relationships. Clear boundaries are like good fences. They secure what you want to keep inside while keeping out that which you don’t want to enter your space. More importantly, clear boundaries must truly be clear in order to prevent violations in your world.

Personal Relationship Boundaries

Within a personal relationship, boundaries are essential or there could be major fallout. Whether you are a married couple or cohabitating, there will be times when boundaries set the tone for a good evening versus a screaming match. When both parties have clearly communicated their “no” zones, that’s their invisible fence. Respect it!

So, what does a violation look like? Well, let’s say one of you has to work over into the evening hours from time to time which leaves the other partner to his or her own devices. The working partner should not have to shoo the other partner away while she is on her laptop or cell phone with a business call. This boundary was established early in the relationship and any behavior that violates this is blatant disrespect to the working partner. You may say that’s common sense, but you would be amazed at how selfish some people can be when you least expect it.

Workplace Boundaries

Work deadlines leave little time for socializing on the job.

Depending on whether you work in a corporate office or are working remotely, friends and associates can easily overstep their boundaries because your interactions with them can be harder to define. Your work associates must be educated about what matters to you in the workplace. Take time to explain your position and get people to “wake up” and realize that the world does not revolve around their issues. We all have them, so, there must be appropriate times for those discussions.

Family Boundaries

Keep the family harmonious with boundaries.

Let’s not leave out families. Yes, they should have established boundaries to make their relationships flourish year after year. Mom and Dad can’t just pop up at your bachelor pad because they were in the neighborhood. A phone call requesting permission acknowledges that you are no longer a child but an adult who deserves respect for the privacy of your home. As for your siblings, unfortunately, they cannot take items from your home without asking or considering you a bank just because you’ve got a really great job. The boundaries must be defined and redefined with age and time.

The Downside of Unhealthy Boundaries

Referencing the article again by Ida Soghomonian, she provided two great lists for both unhealthy and healthy boundaries. Within our personal relationships, these bullet points can be the difference between the best and worst relationships ever.

UNHEALTHY Boundaries are characterized by:

  • Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants. Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
  • Weak sense of your own identity.
  • You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
  • You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.

The Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

HEALTHY Boundaries allow an individual to:

  • Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
  • Share personal information gradually, in a mutually shared and trusting relationship.
  • Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
  • Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
  • Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say YES or NO and be OK when others say NO to you.
  • Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
  • Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself. If you are dealing with someone who is physically dangerous or threatening to you, it may not be safe to attempt to set explicit boundaries with them. If you are in this situation, it can be helpful to work with a counselor, therapist, or advocate to create a safety plan and boundary setting may be a part of this.

Conclusion

As you can see boundaries are building blocks for strong relationships, no matter which one needs attention. Just remember, clearly defining your boundaries does not guarantee that others will not violate them. However, if you don’t establish clear boundaries, you will suffer needlessly.

Best!!

Where is the Love?

Posted on by jvenable18

It’s one thing to start putting a dating strategy together, but sometimes it’s more difficult to know where or how to find people to date.

It’s no secret that there are many approaches to finding a love interest and it’s safe to say that one size does not fit all. On one hand, Joe may like meeting people while he’s mingling at various night clubs while Steve prefers to meet dates through his family and friends. He feels that they know what type of guy he is and what he likes. It really comes down to your preference.

Love is in the air.

Finding Love in the Clubs

Night clubs were popular years ago and may have been more to the liking of boomers. Unfortunately, they have gotten a bad rap lately and receive sleazy names like “meat markets” which infers that they may be good for one thing only – getting the hookup. Hookups, of course, are those casual sexual encounters with little desire or hope for anything else after that event.

Millennials and younger generations have pulled back from the club scene in its former design. They prefer big screens for sports, couches over dark rooms with tables, chairs, and tons of smoke, less alcohol and other refreshing ideas for their age group. As a matter of fact, much of the reading about these age groups mentions that they would rather stay at home and enjoy an evening of their choosing.

None of this is meant to indicate that the likelihood of meeting a really great person at a club is impossible. However, the persons you meet there may not be ideal for serious long-term friendships and/or marriage.

Let’s party baby!!

Friend Connections

It’s so amazing how friends and family look out for their single friends and family members. It’s almost as if they don’t want to see a good person that they love be alone. It wouldn’t hurt for them to ask you if you’re in that frame of mind before they execute their plans. But if they don’t, you have to appreciate that they are looking out for you.

These same introductions can also lead to some problems if the relationships don’t work out. If one of the individuals was really caring about the other one, it will be hard to come around those mutual friends due to the demise of the relationship. It’s always important to assure those who went out of their way to bring two wonderful people together that everything is fine because who knows how those intros will go? Just something to think about.

Dating Apps

Looking even further, chances are some of your friends and associates are using dating apps to help them in the process of finding a suitable companion. You’ll hear people say, “it’s a jungle out there and I need a more strategic and direct path to love.” Interesting!

Should you choose the dating app path to love, Match and eHarmony are the dating app leaders out there, both touting a healthy membership and successful outcomes. The popularity of dating apps accelerated during the pandemic which makes a lot of sense. People felt claustrophobic and lonely as a result of the lockdowns and limited interaction with persons outside their immediate homes.

One of the bigger dating companies, eHarmony came into existence in 2000 with their main purpose being to enable individuals to meet other people with whom they share common characteristics. It’s also more traditional than other dating sites. The organization boasts that it’s responsible for 4% of all marriages in the United States.

Mobile dating apps are very popular.

Match dating app has been around since 1995 with the goal for singles to find the love that they are looking for. Their endgame is similar to eHarmony in that marriage will result from these pairings.

Dating apps are obviously well-used tools for finding love based on membership numbers. Match has 21.5 million members while eHarmony has 15.5 members. So, dating apps are faring well in the dating world.

Conclusion

As mentioned, there is no right or wrong method for establishing your next relationship. Some people will meet their future mates at the grocery store, the mall, at a dinner party, on a cruise – and the list goes on and on. I recall meeting a really nice guy while drying my extra-large comforter at the laundromat. That proved to be a very pleasant friendship for quite a while.

Being open to diverse ways of meeting people will certainly open up your options. Just remember to be cautious about meeting new people in public places like a restaurant or coffee shop for at least the first four or five dates. You home is your safe zone, and you can’t be too quick about allowing new people into your private space. Proceed with caution as you see the friendship evolving into something more serious.

So, love is waiting for you somewhere out there! Happy journey as you find your way!!

Best!!

Brazilian Steakhouse

Posted on by jvenable18

Daily writing prompt
What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on a meal? Was it worth it?
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We are a family of carnivores. We love tasty meat and no place does tasty meats like a premier Brazilian steakhouse. We had two good ones before the pandemic but only one remains that provides those tasty, succulent, and filling proteins. The price per person is steep and we only go there for special occasions. However, the price is certainly worth it and each visit is memorable.

Morning Meditation

Posted on by jvenable18

Daily writing prompt
Describe one habit that brings you joy.
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I work a unique schedule that allows me time to read some scriptures and pray before leaving home. This brings me joy because my personal time with God is important. I know that just because I leave my home there are no guarantees I’ll return. Therefore, I ask God to protect me and my family as we go to work, at work, and on our way back home. I take nothing for granted. His mercies are new every morning and for that I am grateful.

How Do We Return to Decency

Posted on by jvenable18

Daily writing prompt
What are you curious about?
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Originally, I wanted to say I am curious about how we return to normalcy. But what is normalcy? America and other countries are experiencing change so far out on a limb either to the left or right that normalcy is hard to define.

However, decency is something each person can individually address. Politicians and commentators can be decent enough to avoid saying “inflammatory” things from political platforms that piss off an entire gender and using lackluster tactics to win votes from nonwhites. What happened to professionalism and tact? When did politics become this cold?

We all have opinions and thoughts that we don’t openly tell the world simply because they might provoke ill feelings in others. That’s decency. Attacking others with ignorance and ingrained nonsense indicates immaturity and unresolved conflicts within the person spewing them. One can’t cast those feelings on people, cultures, and idealists you don’t support or like. It would be better to refrain from saying anything.

Dinner Time

Posted on by jvenable18

Daily writing prompt
What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?
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When I was growing up, one of our daily rituals as a family was to sit at the dinner table and enjoy a meal. Both mom and dad worked, yet a hot meal was prepared for us each day. In addition, a scrumptious dessert like peach or blackberry cobbler, a butter pound cake, or some baked cookies would complete the meal. I don’t know how Mom did it but it was the best of times.

Fast forward, my experience with family as an adult has been anything but like it was back then. We grab something at the food market, fast-food restaurant, or from the kitchen and keep it moving. Most conversations occur in passing or with little planning. I miss this tradition but realize that times have changed and so has dinner time.

Greater Awareness!

Posted on by jvenable18

Daily writing prompt
Was today typical?
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My day started with the news for just a tidbit before leaving for daily activities. This morning a psychologist was speaking on the issue of loneliness in this country and how it’s become an epidemic. I immediately stopped what I was doing and listened intently for some of the reasons behind this problem. She spoke about the isolation of millions in all age groups due to a general sense of instability. I must revisit the interview to better understand what’s being done to help our young children and everyone else.

There is something in the air and it’s most concerning. The climate is ripe with mental health issues and some way somehow, we must find answers. I don’t believe any one remedy can address every individual’s need. However, more people with or without insurance require some quality time with a mental health professional to work through some of their angst. We’ve got to get our joy back and overcome daily “darkness” by becoming stronger and more positive from the inside out.

So, if your go-to is prayer and Bible reading, do it. If support groups or one-on-one counseling is your thing, do it. Do something and don’t let life take you down. Sometimes, you’ve got to fight your way back to happiness!

Best!

The Residue From Abuse

Posted on by jvenable18

I grew up on the adage, “If you’re going to pray, then don’t worry. But if you’re going to worry don’t pray.” That phrase is rich if you want to stabilize your emotions instead of freaking out about what you are going through or observing on media platforms.

Unfortunately, given the severe climate changes (the earth speaking back to us for extreme contamination and atmospheric instabilities) and the deterioration of America and other countries’ moral decency and equitable treatment of its people, the earth is spewing out bad karma, and we’re only in the early phases.

I won’t write a blow-by-blow summary for each country experiencing madness right now, but when systems are abused, the residue from such abuse can be more than we can fathom. Many innocent people suffer and die due to choices made by dictators and unscrupulous leaders. The Supreme Court Justices’ latest moves have been very concerning as well as our presidential choices. These two things alone give cause to buckle my seat belt and hold on in anticipation of a major collision.

As mentioned, worry stresses us out, accelerates aging, and brings on other diseases. I’d rather pray and ask God to protect people everywhere, especially during these troubling times.

Daily writing prompt
What are you most worried about for the future?
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Comfortably

Posted on by jvenable18

I want to retire comfortably with good health, sufficient housing, and finances. I have been a minimalist for the last few years, therefore, I don’t require a lot of anything. Having the basics to live out the rest of my days comfortably is how I want to retire. I will volunteer with organizations to stay relevant and in touch with people.

Daily writing prompt
How do you want to retire?
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It’s Vacation Time

Posted on by jvenable18

It’s almost summer and we are definitely in the “vacation season.” Families and individuals are planning their destination travel with so many choices.

My niece recently visited Bali, India. I can’t wait to get the details of that trip.

My grandkids celebrated their graduation at an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica.

I’ll visit one of my favorite spots, Gulf Shores, Alabama which has great beaches and fantastic seafood.

So, where are you and your loved ones going this summer? The choices are endless!!!

Safe travels and enjoy your summer vacation wherever you go!!

Hanging Out With My Grandkids

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It’s hard to believe, but my two grandchildren graduated this year. It’s been delightful watching them develop and grow over the years, and they grew up so fast

When we eat out together, I listen intently as they share ideas about their futures and all the money they plan to make. We are enjoying our time together this summer because they are off to college soon. I will miss them dearly.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one of your favorite moments.
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