Waiting for the light to change.

Hey.

Are you still there?

End transmission –

i look at simpler things now, like how beautiful my hands look under the white light, or how the smell of gasoline is addicting, and how an asphalted road seems to glisten when under the sun’s rays.

i remember only chosen memories. in my mind, there is no room for sudden recollections. they take my breath away, and i’ve started to hate it. started to hate feeling out of control, emotional. in my mind, there is a gap, a hole where he has been. i never want to fill it.

so i remember my life before and after him. none of them gives me joy as much as his memories does. but none of them makes me feel on the verge of hysteria either. compensate is the key here. there is always, always a middle ground.

and for a coward like me, the middle ground is heaven.

—

from my livejournal account.

And I thought I got it in the bag. You know, the whole “I’m over you, I’m moving on, I’m a better person now” kind of thing that most jilted lovers pretend to feel months after a break up. I am not sleeping around, my drinking has lessened, and I haven’t dated anyone for the sole purpose of having a warm body beside me at night. True, there are times that I give in to the many temptations that being heartbroken seems to afford me: drunk texting, extreme flirting, mood fluctuations, and all that. But I am glad to say that so far, I haven’t broken any hearts yet. And yes, I may be flirting around, but I haven’t gone to bed with those people who I meet at bars, or gets intro’d to me, and things like that. It’s a good feeling to be liked and be courted. But really, I am not ready. I’m far from ready. And I don’t want to be with someone just because I’m lonely.

They say love can be taught. I say bull. Or half bull. Probably, it works for some. But I guess it only works if you’re not half in love with someone else (an ex probably). This is something nobody around me seems to get. They tell me, “Go hook up with this one and find out what happens!” or “Come on, give the guy a chance! You’ll learn to love him!”

I’m not saying that I’m not open to it. And I think falling slowly in love with someone is incredibly romantic. But the thing is, I know for a fact that my heart isn’t ready. It’s just not. There have been a couple of guys who I began to like, but just wanted to get serious and I couldn’t take it yet.

When I’m ready, I’ll be the happiest guy on Earth. Because I want to be in love. Nothing else feels better. As for now, this semi-living state is fine. As long as I don’t tread on hearts, then I feel that I am doing my part.

I tried.

I thought there was some semblance of nobility in unrequited love, something old-school-romantic, something aspirational. How weird is that? And how totally fucked up? Only masochists would yearn for that. And maybe that’s what I am, really.

Today, you sent me one of your infamous Facebook messages, wherein you attach a picture of me in whatever state of disgrace you deem I am in: drunk, with a guy, in some club, passed out in some bed. You then write something about how I’m enjoying everything, how happy I am we’re over, how you will do the same things, etc, etc.

I have never replied to those messages.

Prior to this, you send me texts telling me that I am the world’s most selfish person, that you’ve seen me at the mall with some guy, that you know I’ve been sleeping around, blah blah blah.

The funny thing is, you wanted this. You wanted me gone. You ended it. And you were the one who told me not to get in touch with you anymore. And that’s exactly what I did. I did everything you wanted, in the hopes that you’ll wake up and realize how wrong you were to let me go.

It’s true. I’ve been wasted, I’ve been dating, I’ve fooled around. So if this is how I want to forget, does that make me worse than you?

Unfortunately for me, I have come to realize the folly of my ways of forgetting. I know it wasn’t wrong, but I knew it didn’t really do me any good.  Ironic. I hate it.

Anyway, I am just upset. And I haven’t really had a lot of sleep. But these days, my days are brighter. And I am not so miserable anymore. So thank YOU. You know who you are.

Done.

Finally, it dawned on me. I guess I knew it all along, that nothing good will ever come out of these nights of drunken stupor and days of intentional flirting. I try to be cavalier about it, but the truth is, it’s mighty depressing. How is it that so many of my peers can keep up with this kind of world and not feel diminished? I am no elitist, but if I speak with someone and find that their English is lacking or that they have never read a book in their lives (aside from those that are required at school) and that their idea of fun is watching TV or hanging out at the mall, then I am out the door. It wouldn’t matter if you had the face and the body of a god. I will not be able to stand you. Well, perhaps for a night, but that’s that.

I know I’m no looker nor am I some sort of genius. I know that I probably expect too much and thus, it is only my fault that I end up disappointed. But is it too much to ask for someone smart? Someone with a personality? Sure, I’ve met I guess two guys who were worth it, but one had issues that I have no time to fix (because really, how can someone broken even attempt to fix someone else?) while the other guy, I just phenomenally turned off by being exactly what I hated about other people.

I realized that all these frantic attempts to connect, to find someone worthy, is just a mask. I just want to feel loved. I just want someone to hold near me at night. I just want someone I can be silly with. And maybe, this is how my life will be, and I’ll never find anyone to surpass the love I had, but surely, this is better than trying to fool myself into thinking that, in the haze of alcohol, the guy I’m about to sleep with might just be my prince charming.

So I have come to a decision. My life will be different. It will be work, home, this blog. Not even Facebook, no. No more drunken nights, no more easy conquests. I have spent my last salary on a gazillion books and DVDs to last a lifetime or two. I have set my heart and mind into introspection mode. I’ve come to realize that the past 8 years, I have been in relationships with no breathing space in between:

Former love of my life – 1 year and a few months.
The Good Guy Who Got Away – 1 year and 2 months.
The Complicated One – 4 years.
The Boy – 2 years, 5 months.

Perhaps it can be said that I rely too much on others, that I can’t spend my life alone. I don’t think that’s bad per se, but maybe it’s something I need to think about. Sure, I’d probably want to kill myself should I hear that he’s already got a new boyfriend, but really, at this point, that’s the least of my troubles. I just want to know where to go, what to do, with the rest of my life, and I want ME to dictacte that, not anyone else.

So here’s to me. Here’s to life alone. 🙂 Wish me luck.

Tipsy while I’m writing this, so forgive me.

Sometimes, the most golden of ideas come from sources you least expect. This guy I like, while on a date with him, said that it’s a whole lot better if you make someone right for you than have a preconceived notion of what’s right and trying to look for someone who fits that “idea” and ending up disappointed all the time. Or to that effect.
And I thought, after a while, that this is exactly what I’ve been doing. Every person I have met, or will meet, or have expressed interest in me, I’ve been measuring them up, trying to see if they were up to my “standards” and then I realized, why the hell do we not have a Refresh button on our heads, for example? Why can’t we just hit on that button if needed so that once we meet people, we don’t have to rank ’em up or see how they measure depending on our past experiences, our past preferences?

Am I making any sense?

I don’t think so. Still, I am a bit enlightened, and also sad to be honest. Why can’t the people we like, like us in return? Why can’t it be that simple?

Anyway, I am in a complete mess. Hahahaha. I am not sure what I’m doing, what I want, where I’m going. And this has nothing to do with not being over my ex. Sure, sure, I may still be hurting over that. And maybe I will for a long, long time. But this sense of being uprooted, of not having my feet on the ground, this is what scares me.

I think I can do whatever I want now.

Sometimes, I do not know myself anymore.

Or rather, I know myself too well and the knowledge is terrifying.

What has become of me is something I have always dreaded.

Today, I woke up and the first thought that came to my mind was, “I miss him.” It’s been more than a month since the break-up and more often than not, the pain is so intense that breathing becomes difficult. I won’t go into the details now because I think that if I do, if I even spend 10 minutes of my day remembering how it was and how it ended, I’d break down. That’s why my nights have been spent getting drunk with friends. Thankfully, my work takes up so much of my time after I got promoted.

I know I’m probably not making any sense yet. But that’s how it is. Some days, I find myself so lost. I stop in my tracks and think, “What the hell am I doing?” Of course, no one would believe that anything’s amiss. Only rarely do I let my emotions show. And I believe that it’s best this way. I know that I am burying all my pain by being busy and drinking almost every night and I will have to deal with all my pent up emotions later, but what the hell.

So, tonight, I’m going on a date. It’s weird. When you just break up with someone, all these guys come swarming, as if they can smell the scent of a bleeding heart. There’s this guy (an operations manager!) from work who’s really serious about me. But I know I’m not ready, so I’m just all, “Thanks, but let’s just hang out first.” Then there are all these “referrals” from your friends, and all these guys you meet when you go out. I don’t know. I am sure I’m not wearing a Just-Broke-Up-Very-Vulnerable-Here sign.

So. Uhm, yeah. There. I’m really not okay. That’s why I’m writing so weirdly. I just put in whatever comes to mind. When I’m better, I’ll write better. I think. If that happens. 🙂

I miss you all.

Hey.

Is anyone still here?

I kind of need a friend. Or maybe just anybody I can talk to.

Well.

I guess that’s it for now.