That it was hurt to avoid you because you avoid me first. That it was really hurt when I answered curtly. That it was very sad because I had to avoid your eyes. Also when you smiled as you looked toward the computer, I saw you. It was really hard, sad and hurt to be like this. But I don’t have any power to let it go. I know you hate me. Me also hate myself. For being too sensitive, while you’re extra insensitive. And we will never be, rite? We will never be…
I always be the ‘left-behind’. Probably because I didn’t ride for him to the place he wanted. Because I cooked unwell, every food I made is suck and I’ll never be a good chef ever! Because my veil is not covering the whole body. Because I laugh too loud and joke about dirty things everytime I hang around my boy friends. Because I don’t read the whole Quran but only the translation. Because I hate those little girls around my house while I prefer to little boys. And because she is more and better than me, with everything she has! With the whole time they spent and will be! With every clothes that covering her. With every fuck thing in her! I’m the miss left-behind. Always, forever! And… Fuck, I have to take that!
When you will learn to understand other people’s feeling? When you will say sorry when people hurt by you? Or may be you never feel sorry because you think that you never ever did a mistake? I was crying because you hurt me. But you never say sorry. And now I’m crying because you hurt me again, and even you don’t feel any sorry?! What a promise made for?! To be break and threw away?! I’m angry, honestly… But you donot feel any regret. Try to understand why I’m angry. That day, you made the promise, not me. Two promises, and now you just throw away them like nothing. Okay, that’s nothing for you, but for me?! Can’t you understand my feeling? I’m hurt. You know, don’t promise me anything if you can’t keep your promise.
Please, understand. I said you can’t go to play ‘that-hap-hap-tap-tap-game’ it was because you promise that you won’t play often anymore because you want save your money to buy something else, remember? I warned you because of you, not because of me. But you wouldn’t hear me. You keep playing the game, rite?
I want to say directly that I’m angry with you, but seems like you don’t care about my feeling. I’m hurt or not, you never care. Even when I already showed that I hurt by you, you still donot care. It’s okay.
Well, who am I? I don’t have a right to angry with you, because I’m nothing. A friend donot have the right to angry with you. Even if because I’m too care and too love you, I still don’t have a right. Even if it is for you, still, I’m nothing and donot have a right.
I’m nothing. Damn me!
Do you know what sacrifice is? Do you know how sick as well as the happiness that is received from a sacrifice? Do you know, how hard I tried to make you safe, smile and laugh by a sacrifice I did? Do you know that I always did every sacrifice for you? Did you ever realize it? Have you ever know and thankful for it?! Have you?! I don’t need the same feedback, no. I won’t a payback. I don’t need it. The sacrifice I did and what I will do later is 100% sincerely and wholeheartedly. But, what I want is that you know it, you realize it and thank me by more respectful of me and do not make me sad again. Just… If you ever realize and know it, please, don’t make me sad, cry and pull a long face anymore. Just, don’t!
I always talk about my Eternal Love, God. Probably, some people are sick about it. I always talk bout Him in twitter. Is it because I love Him, and I think He’s the only one Who understand me ☹. Is He ever complaint when I cry or bother Him at midnight just to talk about my anger, my disappointment and my sadness? He’s the only one for me ☹. And He never ever ever leave me behind. You know, I always remember what He said to me, “do not ever regret with everything I gave to you”. Well, He told me so!
So guys, I’m sorry if I always talk about Him like “hih, sok suci”. Well it’s okay if y’all guys think so. Cuz I’m still a devilish human hahaha :D
My Diary Scandal 