Got to Keep the Loonies on the Path

Chapter 40: Nightmares and Horror Stories

Posted: February 19, 2012 in Crowley, Deino, Enyo, EvilGenius, Honey Badger, Pemphredo, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

Welcome back! Sorry that Ringoosu hasn’t been able to update in awhile, he’s been really upset about Juan Epstein’s death. Signed, Ringoosu’s Mother.

Rabid: Wow, quite a mess here, what the hell happened?

Willard: We just had a fire, a few minutes ago. It was only months for the reader and narrator, not you.

Rabid: Well, good luck cleaning that shit up, I’m gonna have some cake.

Virginia: Hey Mom, wanna play Legacy?

Staccato: That sounds boring as hell.

Trust me, it is.

Sorry, the kitties won’t be in this chapter much, so here’s some kitten spam.

Pemphredo: Can I please have some cake?

EvilGenius: Yes, please, we’re STARVING.

Staccato: Cats are always starving. Your food bowl is FULL!

EvilGenius: But that food has been there at least a WHOLE HOUR!

Deino: Don’t eat me Mommy!

EvilGenius: But I’m so hungry!

Deino: I’m gonna eat you instead!

What the fuck? The doll is standing up! I knew those things were creepy.

Crowley: Finally! Back from Hell!

Hell? What the fuck are you??

Crowley: A demon, I thought you watched Supernatural.

Oh well, at least you’re not a lawyer/politician like you were on Battlestar Galactica.

Crowley: I’m not THAT evil.

Rabid: I’m so fucking sick of this garden.

You and me both. You know what? Fuck your LTW. I’m just going to let the garden rot. You did the goals for the DITFT, that’s enough for me.

Rabid: Can it just be Mr. Stevenson’s turn already?

I wish.

Crowley: Hello, I’m Crowley.

Virginia: Oh yeah, THIS is perfectly normal. Are you sure you’re not Chucky?

Virginia: You smell like dirty socks.

Crowley: That’s sulphur. Besides, you smell like piss.

Virginia: Shut up! I couldn’t get to the bathroom in time.

Crowley: Isn’t it in that door right behind you?

Virginia: SHUT UP!

Virgina: So this is how we play Legacy. First we describe what our characters look like. I will be the mommy, and you will be the daddy.

Crowley: This is so immature. What are you, eight?

Virginia: Pretty much.

Crowley: OK, then, the mommy is a ugly clown named Ditzmera.

Virginia: That’s not nice.

Crowley: You want me to play or not? We have to make this interesting at least.

Virginia: Oh yeah? Well your character is named Ghast, and he’s fat and stupid.

Crowley: Fine then. I guess we also need a last name.

Virginia: How about Alwaystoned?

Crowley: Ghast and Ditzmera Alwaystoned. It works, I guess.

Virginia: And this is our house.

Crowley: Come on, we can use our imaginations, and this is the best we came up with?

Look, I’m not going to go download or even worse, build a house for just your stupid play game.

Virginia: Oh yeah, and that’s Ringo. He’s a fucking dick.

Crowley: I’ve noticed.

Ghast: Let’s go meet the neighbors.

Ditzmera: OK, I hope they’re nice.

Ghast: Fuck that, I hope they’re hot.

Ghast: Hey babe, you got nice gams.

Alouette: Fuck off, creep.

Crowley: Hey, since when did you cuss, Virginia?

Virginia: YOU ALL RIGHT?? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!

Ghast: Well, if you’re not going to let me get laid…OOGA BOOGA!

Alouette: AHHH YOU SCARED ME!

Ghast: Wow, I had no idea that would actually work.

Virginia: OK, Now you be Oriole, Alouette’s sister!

Crowley: Ugh, I don’t want to be a woman.

Virginia: Really? From what I’ve seen on Supernatural, that surprises me.

Crowley: I have refined tastes.

Virginia: I bet your bedroom is hot pink.

Crowley: Look, lady, you keep your homophobic stereotypes to yourself, I’m going back to playing Ghast.

Virgina: So what’s Ghast doing?

Ghast: I’m telling a ghost story.

Alouette: To whom? I’m playing with my bird.

Ghast: Just sit down already.

One ghost story later…

Alouette: That story was lame.

Ghast: Fine, let’s just go home Ditz.

Virginia: Really? You’re just going to have them watch TV?

Crowley: I got better ideas.

Ghast: You wanna play house? Well then let’s play house.

Ditz: Um, what are you doing?

Ghast: Let’s go upstairs and I’ll show you where babies come from.

Ditz: I thought you wished upon a star.

Ghast: Who told you that crap? Let me set things straight, sister.

And then Crowley went on to explain where babies come from, and I guess it went like this:

(I can’t embed this clip, so you’ll have to click on this link. Please come back when you’re done. Or go watch more Community, either’s fine with me.)

So anyway, Ditz and Ghast have the sex.

Ditz: So I’m pregnant now?

Ghast: Yep.

Ditz: How many babies do I have?

Ghast: Uh, I don’t know. Just roll a die.

Ditz: SIX? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

Ghast: HA HA HA SUCKS TO BE YOU!

Ditz: You fucking jerk!

Ghast: Two can play that game!

Ditz: Hey, I’m pregnant remember?

Ghast: Let’s just skip to the part where the babies are born.

Ditz: OK. I had three boys and three girls.

Ghast: I named them Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy.

Ditz: Why?

If I have to explain this one to any of my readers, I’ll just get depressed.

Virginia: Why are the babies all in the driveway?

Crowley: I guess there’s not enough room inside.

Virginia: Shouldn’t we just imagine a bigger house?

No, you shouldn’t. More work for me.

Ghast: Babies sure cry a lot.

Ditz: Because you’re supposed to feed them and love them.

Crowley: Fuck this, let’s age them up already.

OK. Here’s Greg.

This is Marcia.

Here is… umm.. STOP THAT.

Here is Peter.

Next up is Jan.

Bobby loves his daddy.

Ghast: Whatever. Can we play Hot Wheels now?

And last and probably least is Cindy.

Ditz: And now the babies have to learn how to walk.

Ditz: And we teach them how to talk.

Ghast: Is that it?

Ditz: No, they also have to learn how to use the potty.

Crowley: Don’t be gross. Let’s just move this along, shall we?

Virginia: Fine. Just run the next batch of shots.

What ever you want, your majesty.

This is Greg.

Marcia.

Peter.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry. Jan.

Bobby looks like Nathan Fillion in comparison.

Cindy. Sorry I called you least last time. Jan’s least.

Crowley: Age them up again!

Cindy: But I don’t want to have another birthday!

Look, I’ve already aged everyone else up, so eat your damn cake and like it.

Cindy: There’s cake?

Nope.

Greg.

Marcia.

Peter.

Jan. At least she didn’t almost scare me to death this time.

Bobby’s still my favorite.

Cindy. Talk about a butterface.

Crowley: Those are some fucking ugly kids.

Virginia: Yeah, let’s play dinosaurs now.

Virginia: DINO SMASH!

Virginia: SMASH!

Virginia: Smash.

Crowley: That would be the best commercial for NBC’s Smash ever.

Staccato: What the hell, Virginia?

Virginia: Dollhouses suck. And did you really want this legacy to be just based on a dollhouse story?

Staccato: No, not really. That’s WAY too much work.

You’re telling me. Anyway that’s all for now. This chapter was all done as a homage to my wife Desmera’s lovely legacy, Daydreams and Fairy Tales. I’d also like to dedicate this chapter to Dolly Parton, and leave you with a cover of one of her songs by one of the most talented artists ever.

But above all this, I wish you don’t get found dead in a hotel.

Chapter 39: I’d Rather Be Playing Skyrim

Posted: December 11, 2011 in Deino, Enyo, EvilGenius, Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Pemphredo, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

Sorry, but it’s true. Gardening in the Sims is such a pain. But then I remembered, I have KITTIES!

Enyo or Deino is eating some kibble.

Enyo/Deino: What, you don’t know which one I am?

Sorry, I know Pemphredo is the one with white on his face, but that’s about it. Besides, you don’t know either!

Enyo/Deino: Well, how the fuck can I know if you don’t?

OK, OK, I think you’re Enyo. Because Deino has a fat face.

Deino: HEY! I do not have a fat face!

Virginia: Kitties!

Pemphredo: I have a suspicion that this small child is a vampire.

Because she is. So is every Sim in this household.

Pemphredo: WTF, man? Are you guys fatting me up to be some kind of vampire snack?

Maybe, five cats is a lot of cats, and I’ll have to figure out what to do with the extras sooner or later.

Pemphredo: *faints*

Paparazzi: What an impressing garden! Wait until I tell TMZ!

Yep, the media in this town continue to obsess over the weirdest things.

Thank god some of the plants are finally starting to die off. Here’s a tip for gardeners. Don’t grow eight of every type of plant unless you LIKE working from sun down to sun up. Which reminds me of another tip: DON’T MAKE YOUR GARDENER A VAMPIRE! I swear it’s always summer in the Sims, because the days are so fucking long.

Rabid: What is this shit?

It’s the Vampire B Gone Elixir.

Rabid: I don’t want to drink it.

C’mon, show me how the little piggy drinks!

Rabid: That doesn’t make any sense.

OK, I was trying to get in the holiday spirit.

snort snort snort

Now drink up or I’ll make you watch that movie over and over.

Rabid: Fine, fine, I don’t want to turn this blog into TBS.

Rabid: BATDANCE!

Rabid: I look the same.

Yeah, I wasn’t expecting much. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Now that he’s a normal ghost, I can make him garden 24/7 now. Yeah, I drag his sliders up, got a problem with that? It’s not like this is a real legacy.

Virginia: Mommy! Daddy! Hungry!

Your dad is at the science facility, and your mom is at work. I hired a babysitter to feed you.

Stupid-dumb-ass-waste-of-75-simoleons babysitter: Ooh! Empty fish tanks!

I learned that cats can ruin scratching posts.

Pemphredo: I didn’t do it.

Deino?: I am lonely.

Pemphredo: Get used to it, this simmer just ignores us.

Hey! I drag your social sliders up all the time!

Pemphredo: Oh yes, that’s so fulfilling!

EvilGenius: Funny, you don’t taste like honey.

Rabid is making great progress on his garden. His other family skills? Not so much.

Rabid: I think I hear a screaming child. However, this apple looks just perfect!

Yep, perfect apples are way more important than well-adjusted children.

Staccato: There’s a screaming hungry child in here, so you’ll have to speak up.

Staccato: I think he has a birthday coming up too.

Staccato: I’ll have to check my calendar to find out when. Fuck if I can remember.

Mr. Stevenson: I feel so loved.

Mr. Swanson’s—

Mr. S.: STEVENSON!

Whatever. The kid’s third trait is Coward, to go with Clumsy and Couch Potato.

Rabid: Even though my kid’s clumsy, and is going to be a businessman, I suddenly got a wish to enroll him in the Sports Academy.

Mr. S.: Fuck this family.

Maybe if you had an imaginary friend, we’d keep you around longer.

ADORABLEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Another $2200 down, hundreds of thousands to go to top gardener. Fuck the consignment store. Still haven’t gotten any veggies back, and it’s way too much trouble to cancel them one by one. I doubt any will ever sell again either.

AUTONOMOUS PLAY TIME!

Honey Badger: That string is fascinating, really, but could someone please clean up that pile of vomit over there?

Staccato: There’s vomit everywhere, whatever happened to that damn butler.

He got tired of sleeping in the garden and quit I guess.

Staccato: Some people are so picky.

I know, right?

Honey Badger: Roly polys!

Says they’re light beetles.

Honey Badger: Look like roly polys to me, who cares anyway, I’m gonna eat ‘em.

He doesn’t make it look easy.

Honey Badger: Some kitties eat bugs!

Ew!

Meet the new butler: Willard something or other.

Willard: The sink is broken.

Why the fuck do you think you’re here?

Bad Enyo!

Deino: One. I am Deino.

Deino: Two. It is the sink, not me.

WOW! Both adults with their kid at THE SAME TIME!

Rabid: Why don’t you take a picture, it will last longer.

I did, did you forget how this blog worked?

Rabid: Oh yeah.

Staccato got a telescope so she could raise logic for her hospital job. I bet you forgot she worked in the medical career.

We got our first stray kitty visit! I tried to get the other cats to interact with him, but it kept dropping from their queue. Stupid EA.

Honey Badger: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m hunting turtles.

I like turtles.

Turtle: Don’t you fuck with me, I was taught by Splinter.

Donatello: You asked for it! *whips out bō*

Honey Badger: I caught you a feather.

Rabid: I thought you said you were going to bring me a turtle.

Honey Badger: Oh, you don’t want a turtle. I heard they have salmonella.

Meanwhile, Staccato has been told at work she has to investigate some kind of mystery or some shit, so she has to get information from some lady named Genevieve.

Staccato: I look like Randolph Mantooth in this get up.

Genevieve: Who?

Staccato: Don’t worry about it, it’s one of those jokes that none of the readers will get.

Staccato: Now tell me what I want to know! MWAHAHA!

Genevieve: Perhaps you should get to know me better, like that pop up just said. And also, stop being freaking creepy.

Speaking of creepy… WTF?

Anyway, eventually after many boring social interactions Staccato gets the information that I didn’t bother to read in the pop up and now has to go to City Hall for some reason. I don’t remember the medical career being so complicated.

But City Hall was closed, so it was skill up time. Seemed to be going slower than vampire skilling used to go. Guess EA fixed that bug. Figures. Yep, EA, you just stick to fixing the bugs that make the game easier.

Garden update: I’ve planted six perfect plants, but by the time I get the last two perfect plants harvestable, the first four will probably be dead, and I’ll have to plant them again… bah. As you can see, despite the multiple number of plants that died this chapter, my garden is still an unmanageable size.

Birthday time! Once again, the butler gets to hold the child.

Uh…

Not good.

Deino: Later on, we’ll conspire… as we dream… by the fire…

Some of the household handled the disaster better than others.

It’s been too long since we’ve seen the fire department in this legacy.

Willard: Can I put the child down yet?

Um, probably not yet.

Firefighter: I wish that kid would stop screaming.

Yeah, she’s a bit upset. I wonder why?

That’s when I noticed some weird shit going down.

At first I thought the kittens were aging up, but they were still 2-3 days from adulthood. Then I realized it was the same graphic you get when you cilck on “replace.” So I think the kittens were being replaced instead of burning up or something.

Love the kitchen’s new look.

Finally, Virginia ages up.

Virginia: Wow, my cheeks are pretty sunken in.

Yeah, good thing you’re not the heir.

Virginia: That’s not nice Sad smile

Sorry, did I hurt Skeletor’s feelings? That’s all for this time, I leave you with a video of Skyrim!

His bleep is upon my lips, his bleep is in my throat.

Chapter 38: Pretentious Foodie Bullshit

Posted: November 27, 2011 in Deino, Enyo, EvilGenius, Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Pemphredo, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

Ranger Rick: Love to eat sushi… love to eat sooooooshi….

That makes one of us. Oh, by the way, this is Ranger Rick. He just showed up at my lot.

Ranger Rick: Remember only YOU can prevent forest fires.

That’s Smokey the Bear.

Ranger Rick: Oh. Um… Give a hoot! Don’t Pollute!

No, that’s Woodsy Owl.

Ranger Rick: Then what does Ranger Rick say?

Fuck if I know.

Ranger Rick: Hello, I am Ranger Rick. Who are you?

EvilGenius: I’m EvilGenius, the Wolff’s new cat.

Oh yeah, I made the Wolff’s adopt another cat. The shelter named her EvilGenius, and I figured it fit the family perfectly.

Honey Badger: Hi! You’re a funny looking cat.

Ranger Rick: That’s because I’m a raccoon.

Actually, I think EA got lazy and just painted a cat in raccoon colors. Raccoons are much rounder and have little hands.

Ranger Rick: What if I hunker down like this?

Nope, still look like a raccoon-painted cat.

Honey Badger: OH NOES MONTY IS DEAD.

Good, the only good snake is a dead snake.

Staccato: When you’re finishing mourning Monty, I would like to, too.

EvilGenius: So would I.

Wow, a lot of fuss over a dead snake.

Apparently if you want kittens, you have to buy a dog house. Because that makes total sense.

Honey Badger: Hey look, it’s a fly!

EvilGenius: I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

Honey Badger: What did she do next?

EvilGenius: She swallowed a spider to catch the fly, then a bird to catch the spider, and then a cat to catch the bird.

Honey Badger: What a stupid lady. She should have skipped straight to the cat. We catch all three of those things!

Then they all went outside to mourn Monty some more. It was getting annoying so…

Easy fix.

Honey Badger: Hey, there’s no option to have kittens here.

EvilGenius: That’s because we hardly know each other!

Honey Badger: Why can’t you just go into heat and let me fuck you already?

EvilGenius: Cause the game doesn’t work that way. You have to do friendly actions and woo me.

Honey Badger: Fuck that shit. A little help here?

Sure thing. *drags friendship slider all the way up*

EvilGenius: OK, let’s go to the fuck house.

Honey Badger: There you go. You have a nice butt.

Honey Badger: OK, you can has babies now.

EvilGenius: Babies, wait what? Why do I have to have the babies?

Honey Badger: Can’t talk, got to go play in the toilet, kthxbye.

Honey Badger: See, told you cats can catch spiders.

What are you going to do with that?

Honey Badger: I put it in the playroom because it’s a toy.

So what’s up, Rabid?

Rabid: I decided with all this produce I’ve grown, I’d get into cooking. I invited the local foodie club over to talk about delicious food and exchange recipes!

Do vampire ghosts even eat food?

Rabid: Well, I can’t get fat, so that’s an even better reason to pig out.

Jenny Lho: You’re making waffles? That is SOOO banal.

Rabid: Who doesn’t like waffles?

Jenny Lho: Oh, I don’t know, people who aren’t white trash?

Rabid: They’re a little overdone, but I’m sure with some butter and syrup they’ll be fine.

Party guest whose name is not important: Waffles? How delightfully rustic! What did you use for eggs?

Rabid: Um, I used eggs?

Party guest: YOU USED EGGS? YOU MONSTER!

None of the guests joined Rabid at the table. He then tried to talk to them about food, but they all left one by one as he approached them. Rabid found out the hard way that foodies are not interested in food.

I’m getting angry already.

EvilGenius is definitely pregnant, she has left this little present behind. Unfortunately, the guests have all left, or Rabid could have served them this!

What’s wrong, Virginia?

Virginia: I’ve lost Patterns!

Your vest seems to have them.

Virginia: NO! PATTERNS! My doll!

Sure enough, I look in her inventory, and all over the playroom, and no imaginary friend. DAMN YOU EA!

I then got a pop up saying EvilGenius was pregnant. Yep, that’s the look of a pregnant cat right there. I guess EA got lazy with pregnancy animations.

After the party, Staccato went out to help Rabid in the garden without getting changed first. I guess that’s her formal garden dress now.

Staccato: Hey, it’s not like we’re going to invite those douchebags over for a formal party ever again.

Honey Badger: Ooh, giant radioactive beetles! Maybe if I catch one I will become a super hero!

Honey Badger: I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything!

Honey Badger: GOT IT!

No, that’s a snake skin.

Honey Badger: Well crap. Guess there’s only one thing to do with this.

Honey Badger: Leave it on the living room floor for someone to slip on!

Rabid: What the fuck, these two plants are wilting despite being practically drenched in sprinklers.

EA.

Rabid: Yep.

Goth paparazzi: WOW! A vampire! So cool! Will you turn me please?

Staccato: No.

Goth paparazzi: Why not?

Staccato: Because I’ve seen Oddities on TV, and you people freak me out.

Goth paparazzi: Oh, come on, I only have like three jars of pickled pig parts.

Staccato: Yeah. Exactly.

Ahh! The ground is sucking Honey Badger in!

Honey Badger: I’m just fishing. I caught a perfect Koi!

So let’s proudly display it… and here’s the result. See the fish? Yep, I don’t either. So I sent Honey Badger out to catch some more fish. And the result is the same.

So I bought a different tank. Finally I can see the fish! Sort of. God, EA sucks.

Rabid went to the consignment store to find out why I haven’t made any sales in several days. Sure enough, hundreds of items were just sitting there, and in order to cancel them and try again, I had to do it ONE BY ONE! You see why I haven’t updated in three weeks? So I force killed the cashier.

Rabid: Yay! I’m finally level six of gardening! Now I just have to harvest all my very nice/excellent plants, and plant them again, and then harvest the outstanding plants that came from that… and then MAYBE some day they’ll all be perfect.

Ugh.

Rabid: EXACTLY. I got my eight plants, fuck the rest. Let’s just cake up Mr. Stevenson already.

We can’t do that. Sorry, you’re stuck for probably a half dozen more chapters. But don’t worry, I’ll probably just fill them all with more cat spam!

EvilGenius: Hey! Rabid’s home! PET ME PET ME PET ME!

Rabid: I’m going upstairs.

EvilGenius: WHY YOU IGNORE?

Don’t take it personal, he ignores his own kids too.

EvilGenius: Maybe some simmer should tell him to interact with his pets.

Meh, I’m too lazy to add you and Honey Badger to the downloads section.

EvilGenius: I mean you.

Have you read the blog?

And suddenly Patterns appears in front of the bunk bed. Weird.

Virginia: Yay! Patterns! OK, Now that you’re back, answer this question for me. Name all the presidents of the United States.

Patterns: Why?

Virginia: It’s a test, Patterns!

Patterns: *groans*

OK, enough of bad puns, it’s time to meet the new kittens!

Deino

Enyo

Pemphredo

They are named for the Graeae, gray witches from greek mythology who had one eye and one tooth to share among them. Their names translate to Dread, Horror, and Alarm. OK, I’m done. Time to play Skyrim! Thanks for reading and all that crap.

Chapter 37: Everybody Wants To Be a Cat

Posted: November 8, 2011 in Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

Ah, Mr. Stevenson has discovered the peg box.

Mr. Stevenson: Round peg… round hole… round peg goes in round hole…

Mr. Stevenson: ROUND HOLE! ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Um, sure. Whatever, kid.

And finally the legacy gets their very first imaginary friend! It’s about damn time. OK, part of it is my own fault for quitting for several months, but pobody’s nerfect. Meet… um… I forgot to look at the friend’s name. I guess I shall name him myself. Or her myself. I don’t even know what gender it is! OK, therefore its name is Pat.

Mr. Stevenson: Round head, round hole…

No, Mr. Stevenson, this isn’t a puzzle. you just put him in a house then you do things like cook meals, work out in front of the TV, and use the bathroom and sleep. Stuff like that.

Mr. Stevenson: That sounds incredibly boring.

Mr, Stevenson: ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Hmm, maybe he’s right. *puts the Sims disc in mouth*

ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Honey Badger: Honey Badger ain’t fraid of no ghost!

Probably because he feeds you.

Honey Badger: Wait, I feel all tingly. Why?

Because it’s your birthday.

Honey Badger: Birthday? Do I get a cake? Honey Badger loves cake!

No, you don’t get a cake. Cats don’t get cakes in Sims Pets.

Honey Badger: EAT A BAG OF DICKS, EA!

Looking good, Honey Badger. So what’s gonna be your first action as an adult?

Honey Badger: Hmm, I know just the thing.

Typical cat.

So how’s the gardening coming?

Rabid: Well, I’ve harvested every plant you can buy in the store except plasma fruit, and I’ve started the section for my perfect garden…

Ugh, a simple “fine” would have sufficed. You act like I actually give a crap. You got the main objective for the first generation of the DITFT. Whoopty-fucking do.

Rabid: Hey, it wasn’t easy, I’m a vampire you know. I can’t farm in the day!

Still don’t care. Time to move the story on to something cute for the majority of the chapter.

Rabid: You mean like my cute little son?

Another vampire ghost? Heard it. BORING…

KITTY! I love kitties. What’s kitty doing?

Honey Badger: You’re breaking my concentration. I have to pick the perfect toy.

Honey Badger: Here we go.

AWW THAT’S ADORABLE!

Honey Badger: Oh, shove it.

Honey Badger: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m hunting foil balls!

Honey Badger: The innocent foil ball has no idea his days are numbered.

The innocent foil ball is an inanimate object.

Honey Badger: SHUSH HUMAN! Like you never pretend inanimate objects are your living play things.

Point, Honey Badger.

Honey Badger: GOT YOU!

I think it’s dead now.

Honey Badger: Hmm, I think you are right. *poke poke*

So Staccato, how was your first day at work?

Staccato: I’m tired. Someone forgot I had work today so they had me out all night gardening instead of sleeping.

Bad Rabid.

Staccato: I MEANT YOU!

Um.. Uh.. I wonder what the kitty is up to!

Honey Badger: I has a ball!

YAY!

Honey Badger: Glad you liked it. Can I drop the LOLCATS speak now?

NO!

Honey Badger: I has a sad.

Honey Badger: Where’s vampire lady? I am cold and need someone to sleep on. And Rabid never bathes after gardening.

Vampires are warm to sleep on? Go figure. I think she’s upstairs.

Honey Badger: Ugh. I hate climbing.

What kind of cat are you?

Honey Badger: Hello toddler person. Where is vampire lady?

Mr. Stevenson: You mean mommy? She’s in the shower. I spit up on her.

Honey Badger: Nice.

Honey Badger: Hey vampire lady. Nice boobs!

Staccato: Does kitty like being brushed?

Honey Badger: Kitty kind of wishes you didn’t get dressed first.

So that’s how cats work out frustration?

Honey Badger: Shut up. Honey Badger wants a Mrs. Honey Badger.

I’ll think about it.

Honey Badger: Hey, do you have to document EVERYTHING I do?

Yes because you’re so cute.

Honey Badger: What’s so cute about me taking a dump?

Nothing really, I just think it’s interesting that cats don’t get pixelated while using the restroom like sims do.

Honey Badger: That’s because EA needs to eat a bag of dicks.

Honey Badger: We meet again, Mr. Ball. Now you say, “Do you expect me to talk?”

Mr. Ball: …

Honey Badger: No, I expect you to DIE!

Honey Badger: Boy man, wash uffizi, drive me to Firenze!

You’re weird.

And so night falls in the Wolff household.

Honey Badger does what he does best.

The butler sleeps, dreaming of waterfalls and thunderstorms. I wonder if he wets the bed?

And Rabid and Staccato toil all night in the garden I made way too big. Thank God some plants are finally dying.

Rabid: If I pee on them, will they die faster?

Unfortunately, no.

Honey Badger: I shall help out in the garden by killing any unwanted pests!

Honey Badger: I think I see something…

You mean the sprinkler?

Honey Badger: No, I think I see a bunny! I must stop him from destroying the garden!

Did you get him?

Honey Badger: It was a leaf.

Don’t feel bad, anyone could have made that mistake.

Honey Badger: Really?

No.

Honey Badger: Maybe I can catch a bird.

See any?

Honey Badger: No Sad smile

Honey Badger: I guess I’ll never find prey.

Um… Honey Badger… right behind you…

Honey Badger: A guinea pig!

It’s actually a womrat.

Honey Badger: Looks like a guinea pig to me.

Shh! The guinea pig people might sue!

Womrat: Um.

Womrat: Hmm.

Womrat: Excuse me, sir. Do you know this cat?

Yes.

Womrat: Should I be concerned?

Very.

Womrat: Good thing I know karate!

Honey Badger: Got him!

I think that’s actually a feather.

Honey Badger: DRAT!

Honey Badger: Wait, what’s this?

That’s a lot of fighting for just a little bug.

Congrats on your first catch, Honey Badger!

Honey Badger: I think it’s a cockroach!

You have a cockroach in your mouth?

Honey Badger: I’m trying not to think about it.

Honey Badger: I has a present!

Staccato: For me?

Honey Badger: It’s a cockroach.

Staccato: Thank you. You’re such a good kitty. I love it SO much that I’ll never need another one like it EVER again.

It’s birthday time! You know what that means…

Staccato: CAKE!

And here is little Virginia Wolff… Um, Virginia, could you drop the cross-eyed act, please?

That’s better. See you next time!

Chapter 36: Well She Wants to be the Queen

Posted: October 30, 2011 in Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

Honey Badger: Why we got to wear these stupid costumes?

Because it’s Halloween and I wanted to do something special for our readers!

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t care.

I know.

Staccato: Why do I have to wear a cheerleader outfit?

Because the game wouldn’t let me put it on Rabid.

Rabid: I’m going as Harley Bull!

You’re going as a mummy.

Rabid: What’s a mummy? And how did you get Sid to look like a simbot?

I cut off his head and stuck it on a simbot’s body. He’s dead now. Don’t worry, I didn’t save.

Honey Badger, you can change out of your costume now.

Honey Badger: I’ll fucking cut you.

*closes game without saving* No, you won’t.

OK, so let’s load up the normal save file again. Staccato brings Mr. Stevenson home from the hospital. I felt the old house was too small for a family, so I added a second floor. Laugh at my building skills. I almost made the roof 5 times the height of the rest of the house, but at the last minute changed my mind.

Honey Badger: Yay! Ghost Daddy is home!

I thought you didn’t care.

Honey Badger: I thought you had a brain, we all make mistakes.

Staccato: This thing cries a lot.

That’s why I let you have them instead of me in real life.

Staccato: Do I have to feed it or something?

No, that’s why I hired you a butler.

Staccato: OK, I’m going to bed then.

Rabid: Feeding Monty fish flakes, NOM NOM NOM.

I don’t think you feed pythons fish flakes, shouldn’t you get him some mice or something?

Rabid: Nope. Blame EA!

Geniuses.

Sid: Why do I have to feed the baby?

Because if you don’t, I have a spare simbot body lying around here.

Sid: Your bottle, Master Mr. Stevenson.

Honey Badger: This scratching post is nice, but I’d rather scratch the couch.

Hey, I’m not stopping you. Not my stuff.

Honey Badger: Hello Mr. Mouse, I am Honey Badger. I am sorry to bother you, but I am the local drug inspector, and I believe you may be in possession of a narcotic.

Honey Badger: Yes, it does appear you are in fact, filled with catnip. I’m sorry, the penalty for catnip possession is quite severe.

Honey Badger: I MUST EAT YOU! NOM NOM NOM!

Staccato: So, the baby’s asleep… is there anything you want?

Rabid: Another baby!

Honey Badger: Guys, trying to poop here.

What’s up, Staccato?

Staccato: I wanted to help Rabid in the garden, but I don’t know how. So I had to read a book first. Ahhh! The weeds are the little grasses around the tree, NOT the tree itself!

Yeah, you have to be level two to figure that out.

Staccato: OK, Rabid, I read how to garden I can help now!

Rabid: Good, I never can get it all done before the sun comes up.

And then she proceeded to water the plants covered by the sprinkler. *headdesk*

Consignment Man: Can I help you?

Rabid: I would like to sell my fruits and vegetables please. I figure I can charge more ‘cause I’m a celebrity.

Consignment Man: Think that will work?

Rabid: Worked for Paul Newman. And my face has got to be twice as creepy as his.

Honey Badger: Bored. Bored bored bored bored bored.

Honey Badger: Where’s female human? I like female human. Ah, there she is. Sleeping.

Honey Badger: WAKE THE FUCK UP LADY!

Honey Badger: Oh, hi. Since you’re up, how about some food?

It’s not noon yet.

Honey Badger: Shall we play a game?

Staccato: How about Global Thermonuclear War?

Honey Badger: Wouldn’t you prefer a nice game of chess?

Staccato: With a cat, really?

Honey Badger: Of course not. You’re it. *runs away*

Honey Badger: Ah! You have apprehended me! You win the chance to feed me a yummy fish!

Staccato: That’s not a prize. You’re supposed to chase me now.

Honey Badger: Ha ha! I have found you!

Honey Badger: Now I will make several cute poses! Adore me!

Honey Badger: Every one is so tall. Maybe I should jump on them and ride their shoulders.

Honey Badger: All this kitten pic spam has tired me out. Night all.

Yeah, this whole segment was not very Honey Badger-esque. Maybe if he ever grows up and starts hunting! Too bad there’s no cake for cats.

Staccato: My night gown is soaking wet.

Rabid: No one made you come out here in your sleep clothes. Sucks to be you, the water goes right through me!

Staccato: *throws apple*

Rabid: So do apples!

Rabid: And there’s the sun, and not even close to finishing. We’re just going to have to work faster next time.

Actually, it’s the garden resetting right at sunrise that seems to kill any feelings of accomplishment.

Honey Badger: There’s not enough food here.

Sarcastic much? Sorry the bowl is bigger than you, EA couldn’t be bothered to make kitten supplies.

Honey Badger: I’m not being sarcastic, I really want to eat more food!

Rabid: OK, I should get it done tonight, I’m getting started before the sun goes down.

Well, it would go faster if you left the watering to the sprinklers.

I have a billion shots of them gardening, sorry if it’s getting old. That’s generation one of a DITFT for you. On a unrelated note, do you notice the weird camera angle on this shot? Tabbing to take pictures does this to me like 75% of the time now. Why? Oh right. EA.

Dear Rabid Wolff. For being the most famous Vampire Ghost Farmer in the history of Hidden Springs, the city would like to reward you with this big screen TV.

And also, this beautiful water fountain.

Rabid: OK, the sprinklers were bad enough, but now a fountain? See you in a bit Staccato, I’m going inside to pee.

Strange man: Ooh, a baby, I’ll be taking this. Just kidding! I’m actually the babysitter.

That prank would have worked better if his parents actually cared.

Babysitter: Looks like it’s someone’s birthday!

Hey, you’re not his family. Give the baby to someone who actually cares about him to help him blow out his candles, so it will mean more.

That’s better.

And here he is. Mr. Stevenson Wolff… um… could you stop staring please, it’s creeping me out.

Mr. Stevenson: …

Hello?

Mr. Stevenson: I can see into your soul.

Mine?

Mr. Stevenson: No, the reader’s. I can almost feel their mortality.

OK, moving on…

Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! Hugs!

Staccato: Who’s mommy’s little boy? Wanna sweetie?

Mr. Stevenson: YUMMY!

Ah, how cute.

Mr. Stevenson: Some day you will all die.

Oh crap, I forgot to put Rabid away after the sun came up.

Rabid: I have more stuff for you.

Consignment man: *scowls*

What the fuck is that guy’s problem?

Consignment man: I hate my job!

So? Suck it, townie.

Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! I’m hungry!

Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! MOMMY!

Sid: Fine, here’s your bottle. I heard your screaming all the way out in the garden!

Mr. Stevenson: Why are you wet?

Sid: Long story. Oh, well, back to bed.

Sid: When I was Master Mr. Stevenson’s age, my bed was so dry… ahhh…

Mr. Stevenson: Poor Sid. I should ask mommy if he can sleep in my bunk bed. Oh well. YAY BLOCKS!

Honey Badger: I hate baths. We should let Sid sleep inside. Water sucks…

Honey Badger: YUM SUSHI!

Staccato: Welp, looks like these contractions woke me up.

Rabid: OH NOES BABIES WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO?

Staccato: First, get rid of the paparazzi.

Paparazzi: Crap, she sees me!

Staccato: OK, now go get the limo.

Rabid: Right away hon… Man, I’m hungry.

Where’s Staccato?

She took off in the limo, and I was going to go with her, but then I saw I was near death with the hungry thing so I got out to have a Hi-O positive.

And so Staccato goes to the hospital alone, and gives birth to a baby girl. I guess we’re done with kids for this generation then! Easier than I thought it would be. Meet Virginia. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next time.

Staccato: Hold it right there, mister! Tell the people my babies traits! You forgot to last time!

Oh, she’s a loner and neurotic. Happy now?

Staccato: No! Mr. Stevenson’s too.

He’s a clumsy couch potato. Can I go now?

Staccato: I guess.

Thank you, your highness. Until next time!

Chapter 35: Honey Badger Don’t Care

Posted: October 26, 2011 in Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

Staccato: Hey Gardener Gardener! Hey Gardener Gardener! WEED!

Rabid’s garden is coming along nicely. Staccato’s doing her best to motivate him as well.

Staccato: THIS IS MY HOE! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE!

Staccato: OK, at ease, soldier. We’ll take a break for now… I have important business to attend to… WHEE!!! SPRINKLERS!!!

What’s up Staccato?

Staccato: I got a role in the local stage production of Dracula!

Who are you playing?

Staccato: Van Helsing!

Rabid: Drink up me hearties yo ho!

Working out I see?

Rabid: It’s some new fitness system I read about called Pirates!

I think you’re reading that wrong.

There’s a strange man rooting through our garbage! POLICE!

Sid: It’s me, your butler, Siddhartha Holden.

Um, nice hair cut.

Staccato: Beatles! I’m gonna name them John, Paul, George, and Ringo!

Staccato: FUCK! JOHN BIT ME! I’m gonna go Mark David Chapman on his ass.

Staccato: I think I’ll get something less dangerous than beetles. Like this snake. I’m gonna name him Monty!

Staccato: WHY MUST EVERYTHING I LOVE BITE ME?

Monty: Because you taste like chicken.

Monty: Crap, she put me in a cage!

Monty got a raw deal.

Strange Man: Hello, I come from the animal shelter! I’m here with your kitten!

Rabid: Wait, what?

Staccato: Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you something…

This is Honey Badger. He’s pretty bad ass.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit

Staccato: Aren’t you going to say hi to your new pet?

Rabid: The DITFT rules doesn’t say anything about pets! I have to garden!

Staccato: I’m sorry, Honey, he doesn’t seem to be interested in you.

Honey Badger: The Honey Badger don’t care. The Honey Badger don’t give a shit.

Look at that sleepy fuck.

Honey Badger: I fuckin’ hate babies.

You be the one to tell him Staccato is pregnant. Something about that cat scares me.

Sid: WHAT THE FUCK MAN! GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!

Rabid: Um, didn’t I hire you to clean?

Sid: I’m cleaning my junk. Don’t you think that’s important too?

Rabid: I figure you were just supposed to clean stuff I look at.

Sid: Well, you’re looking at my junk now.

Rabid: It’s not like I want to.

Sid: Then why are you still here?

Sid finished his bath and then went to bed. Where he proceeded to get sprinkled on all night. Guess he had to be good and clean for that.

Rabid: I’m gonna go fling dirt on him.

Staccato, are you sick? Why are you at the hospital?

Staccato: I applied for a job.

But you’re pregnant, you’re going to have to go on maternity leave before your job even starts.

Staccato: Exactly.

Staccato: OK, there’s my baby bump. NOW I’m pregnant. Thanks for spoiling the news before I could, asshole.

Oh, come on, this is like the 6th? generation. They knew you were pregnant the second I showed you knocking boots with Rabid.

Staccato: And just like that, I’m pregnant for graduation! How embarrassing.

Looks like Staccato lives in Oklahoma! Oh, who am I kidding, Oklahomans don’t graduate.

Staccato: BLEARGH!

Oh, you should have saved that for the stage. No one forgets the kid who vomits while getting their diploma!

Staccato: Don’t worry, there’s more where that came from.

Rabid: Yay, you’re finally a full fledged adult! I am no longer a pedophile.

Yep, you’re just a cousin-fucker instead.

Rabid: SECOND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED!

And then the bathtub broke. What is up with my luck with plumbing? I’m almost 40 years old, and I’ve NEVER seen a faucet randomly squirt water everywhere. What the hell are sims DOING to their faucets? Do I even want to know? Does it involve sticking certain body parts up there?

Ew, what is that? It eats kibble? Disgusting. Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit, he’s just hungry.

Sid: Time to put all the cat toys away.

Honey Badger: Excuse me, those are my toys. I will kick your fucking ass, you shit.

It took me several cat toy chests before I found one with a mouse. And then I found out kittens can not hunt toy mice yet. At which point I exclaimed chapter 33. So Honey Badger biting the heads off cobras will have to wait until another chapter.

Hey look, Honey Badger DOES give a shit.

HOLY SHIT! The butler is fixing the bathtub instead of just mopping up the water!

Sid: Oh, sorry, I won’t let it happen again.

No, wait, I was just shocked..

Sid: Nope, won’t happen again.

Fuck.

Staccato sleeps with both eyes open. EXIT LIGHT! ENTER NIGHT!

Staccato: That’s sleep with one eye open.

Shut up. I’ll send you off to Never Never Land.

Monty: Get away from me. Get away from me.

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t care.

Finally nightfall has arrived, and Rabid can resume tending his garden.

Apple Tree: How would you like to have someone come along and pick something off of you?

Rabid: Oh dear, I keep forgetting I’m not in Kansas!

The cousin fucking is probably what fooled you.

Thanks to the pets expansion you will be inundated by pictures of Honey Badger sleeping even when I have no comments. Deal with it.

Honey Badger: Something witty about hating baths.

Rabid: Almost done harvesting and weeding… good thing too, the sun’s about to come up. I’ll have to fertilize tomorrow.

The garden just reset.

Rabid: FUCK.

Rabid: The sun, it burns, it burns. I know! I’ll eat some ice cream.

I don’t think that works.

Rabid: Are you saying there’s no reason to get ice cream?

There’s always a reason to get ice cream.

Rabid: Exactly.

Then Rabid went to the consignment store where a kid was sittng there, just doing homework. Why wasn’t he in school? What is this, Missouri?

OK, I know that makes no sense, but my wife and I were in Missouri on a Friday at lunch at a McDonald’s, and it was filled with kids. We decided this meant that children in Missouri never go to school. Small sample size is always a good thing!

Rabid: I want to sell my vegetables, I’m gonna sell my vegetables. I love you most of all! My favorite vegetable!

Salesclerk: What are you talking about?

Rabid: I threw away my candy bar and I ate the wrapper, and when they told me what I did I burst into laughter!

Salesclerk: OK, you’re insane.

Bonus points if you know what the fuck is going on. Otherwise:

Lying in bed like Brian Wilson

Hey, you missed a spot.

Sid: Where?

The snake. I hate snakes. Just kill the damn thing already.

Monty: That’s not nice.

Honey Badger: DIE COUCH! DIE!

Hey, I don’t think your owners will like it if you do that.

Honey Badger: I’m not the only one who don’t give a shit in this house.

And it appears that Honey Badger is right. Staccato don’t care. Staccato don’t give a shit.

Staccato gets an invitation to a party, despite the fact that she hardly ever leaves her house and has no friends. I never get invited to parties. My life is more pathetic than a sim’s. Sad. Anyway! Back to the story!

Staccato: I’m gonna have a baby.

Old lady: Old lady don’t care. Old lady don’t give a shit.

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t like fire.

Fine, so I guess I won’t find out what a orange kitty ghost looks like.

Staccato Mamba Wolff, life of the party. Hey, Staccato! Do something exciting!

Staccato: OK, HERE GOES!

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t like the look of this.

Meet Mr. Stevenson Wolff. Since he is the businessman heir, I named him after a businessman!

You know how I feel about strays.

See you next time! And remember, if you see a businessman, don’t bring him home. Your house is not his natural environment.

Chapter 34: We Are Farmers, Bum Buh-duh Duh Duh Duh Dum

Posted: October 15, 2011 in Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

So here we are. Out in the country now. Hidden Springs to be precise. This is the lovely garden that Rabid built. Isn’t it nice?

OK, no, but it’s better than a cup of dirt.

CUP OF DIRT!!!

Whatcha readin’ for?

Rabid: It’s a book on gardening. The coolest thing too, it has some seeds glued on the pages here for me to grow!

I thought the only seeds you found hidden in books was for… never mind.

Paparazzi: Here’s a hot story for TMZ, Rabid Wolff-Schlick reads book! The readers will EAT THIS SHIT UP!

Rabid Wolff-Schlick reads book is a pretty boring hot story. Now Lindsay Lohan reads book, that’s news.

Paparazzi: I better get a picture or no one will believe me!

Don’t you have a real celebrity to bug?

Paparazzi: Nope, I’m going to take pictures of this guy and blog about it.

That’s pretty pathetic. What kind of loser would blog about Rabid? Oh, shit.

Paparazzi Two: Here’s a juicy story, Paparazzi writes story about Rabid!

OK, this is getting too meta, I’m leaving.

Yep. A heir to this legacy is finally planting a garden! And no drugs are involved! At least not yet anyway.

How’d shopping go?

Rabid: Holy shit, it was expensive. A head of lettuce was like five bucks! Eleven for just AN ONION! And garlic was 23 stinking bucks! I spent over a thousand dollars just on produce!

See, this is why I stick to twinkies and ding dongs.

Rabid: What do you think? I’m making some real good progress here.

I just see a bunch of weeds.

Rabid: No, these are all legal.

WEEDS. PLURAL.

Hey, I wonder what Staccato is up to.

Staccato: Hey! Naked teenager here!

Sorry, I didn’t know.

Staccato: I’m calling Chris Hansen.

If anything, he’ll just expose your cousin husband. Besides, I think the mailman is catching a peek too.

Mailman: Caught! I got to get out of here!

Staccato: I can’t believe I still got to go to high school. All the other kids make fun of me ‘cause I’m already married.

Don’t worry in another 15 years they’ll all be crying about how they can’t find a cousin of their own to settle down with.

Hey, Rabid, aren’t you forgetting something?

Rabid: Oh, yeah, I better eat something.

No, the sun. It’s kind of bad for you.

Congratulations Staccato on making a friend at school. I see you got invited over. But shouldn’t you be hanging out with your new friend?

Staccato: I am, it’s called HDTV.

And Rabid goes downtown to register as a Gardener.

Rabid: In the middle of the night too. Farming in the dark. This is ridiculous. None of the DITFT’s I read online farm in the dark.

Probably because none of their founders are vampire ghosts.

Good lord, not another paparazzi.

Paparazzi: RABID PLANTS POTATOS! DETAILS AT 11!

Is Hidden Springs really that dull?

Paparazzi: Yes.

Fishing now?

Rabid: I need fertilizer and vampires don’t poop.

I didn’t need to know that.

Rabid: It’s a beauty fish!

I’m not even fishing, I’m blogging about a guy fishing.

I’m taping fishing to watch again later!

Staccato: Look, perv, stop checkin’ me out.

Not my fault you walk around the house in your underwear.

Staccato: Um, yeah, it kind of is.

Meh, changing outfits is too much work, and I’m the laziest simmer ever.

Rabid: I’m going on a vacation. Now Staccato, you be good while I’m away and don’t have any wild parties or anything!

Staccato: Um, you’re my husband, not my guardian.

Rabid: Don’t blame me, blame the game.

So Staccato, how are you going to rebel now that you have the house to yourself?

Staccato: I’m going to do my math homework and NOT SHOW MY WORK!

Staccato: And now I’m reading a book ABOVE MY READING LEVEL!

The next day it was Field Trip day at school.

Teacher: OK kid, you set way back there, and Staccato, you sit next to me.

Staccato: Um, what kind of field trip is this?

Teacher: The one where I take you to a romantic dinner at the bistro.

Teacher: Race you to our reserved candlelit table, guys!

Staccato: Wait, where did all these other kids come from?

This is the weirdest field trip I’ve ever seen. The popups told me that the teacher yelled at Staccato to put down a knife, then congratulated her on her french fries.

Rabid: Hey Scott, how about you come over to my house for a party!

Scott: I’m standing right next to you.

Staccato brought this home from her field trip. Probably some love token from her creepy teacher.

Staccato: So my husband went on a trip without me so I decided to invite over some young dudes in their swimsuits.

Dennis: So where’s the pool.

Staccato: Don’t have one. *stares at Dennis’s chest*

Staccato: And I also hired a butler.

Butler: Ooh, hot young boys!

Dennis: This party blows.

Staccato: And I ordered a pizza. Looks like someone doesn’t want a tip.

Staccato: This is a 30 dollar pizza?

Just imagine if you ordered it with garlic.

Dennis: So, can I have a slice?

Staccato: No. Flex your muscles please.

Meanwhile Scott is watching romantic movies. By himself.

Scott: Well, I couldn’t get Dennis to join me.

I don’t want to know.

Staccato: Hey guys, come play in the sprinklers with me!

Scott: I can’t get to the sprinklers! I don’t know how to get there!

Neither could Dennis. Apparently the Chesterfield boys are retarded.

Staccato: Guys! I’m gonna take my swimsuit off…. you don’t want to miss th—oh, hi officer.

Officer: We had a complaint about people eating pizza and watching TV.

Officer: Now, we have rules in this town about loud teen parties. I’m breaking this up.

Staccato: Don’t you have anything better to do in Hidden Springs?

Officer: No. We take pride in being the most boring town ever, where growing potatoes is a top story. Breaking up quiet teen parties helps us keep that reputation.

Paparazzi: TEEN COUSIN BRIDE EATS PIZZA WITH OTHERS! TOP STORY!

Staccato: This town really sucks.

Like I said earlier we hired a butler. I didn’t bother to check what his name was. The game said I had to get him a bed.

So I did.

After the party I figured Staccato had enough of a sampling of teenage life, so it was cake time.

Now Staccato is a vehicle enthusiast

Staccato: Vehicle? I LOVE THAT SONG. GREAT GOD IN HEAVEN YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!

Won’t you jump inside my van?

Yeah, not that kind of vehicle enthusiast.

Oh, fucking shit, here we go again.

Butler: Could you please move, I need to fix the sink.

Rabid: I know we’re already married, but how about we make it game official?

Butler: I need to fix the sink.

I guess the butler gave up.

Of course we all know what comes next… INCEST!

Tune in next time when we find out if it’s a vampire, or a ghost, or a boy, or a girl. We won’t find out how it’s related to itself however, because I find this family tree too confusing to follow any more.

Chapter 33. Hey EA! Eat a Bag of Dicks!

Posted: October 9, 2011 in Ethan Kent, Harley Bull, Hungry Lyktha Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

Rough day at work Ethan?

Ethan: Shit blew up in my face again. Can I retire already? I’m 106.

Um, no. I need the money.

Ethan: We have 2.3 million!

Hey, did you ever notice Master Controller has a Force Kill button?

Ethan: I love my job! I’ll never quit!

Staccato: Grandpa! The TV is broken! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Ethan: It’s three in the morning, can’t it wait?

Staccato: FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Shit, I forgot to put a puddle down first.

Ethan: Wait, what?

Nothing.

So Hungry and Elspeth’s wedding is set for 9 AM at Smuggler’s Cove. I load up the motive mobile at about ten ‘till, running late, but I’ll make it. And then we waited. And waited. Two hours later, the car still sat in the road waiting to leave. Everyone seemed to be on board, but the car wouldn’t go.

EA. Please eat a bag of dicks.

Eventually, the party was cancelled, and Staccato hopped in the limo to go off to private school. Bye bye, Staccato, we’ll miss you!

Staccato: Really?

Um, no.

Staccato: I hope my tears dry by the time I get to school.

Finally, with a reschedule for later that afternoon, Hungry is off to her wedding! Of course, this time Harley and Ethan couldn’t be bothered to tag along. Fine, who needs them. One of them smells like a rotting old corpse. And Harley’s not very hygienic either.

Looks like you beat the guests here, Hungry. Plenty of time to set up.

Hungry: What’s with the décor?

What do you mean?

Hungry: The chairs look like animals.

Oh, I asked Robert Irvine to set it up using a limited budget.

Hungry: It’s hideous.

Hey, at least you won’t have to operate a restaurant with it. Count yourself lucky.

Lady Cook: You are a cheater! A CHEATER!

Hungry: Please don’t cause a scene, I’m changing my ways, and marrying your daughter.

Lady Cook: I GIVE YOU THE DIRTBAG REPUTATION!

Hungry: Worst mother-in-law ever.

Cressida Wells: You are a dirtbag cheater!

Emmy Starr: Going to have to agree with the rest of the folk on this one.

Hungry: What the hell, this is a wedding, didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?

Emmy: Nope, EA decided our reaction to finding out someone we slept with one time was getting married was to act like total asses at the wedding.

Emmy: HEY EVERYONE! COME LOOK AT THE DIRTBAG CHEATER!

Hungry: EA, please eat a bag of dicks.

After the crowd settled down slightly, Hungry prepared to wed her bride. As you can see, Elspeth was dressed in a lovely black urine-soaked gown.

Hungry: You take my breath away, Elspeth.

Emmy: SOMEONE SMELLS LIKE PEE!

Hungry: Way to ruin the moment.

At this point, I had to click on “Get Married” like seven times before it finally took.

EA, eat a bag of, well, you know.

By the time they exchanged vows, the party had dwindled down to about four guests. Fortunately none of them were Hungry’s past romantic interests.

Morrigan Hemlock: DIRTBAG CHEATER!

Hungry: I never slept with you!

Morrigan: But shouting things is fun!

Ethan: No, no, you go on making your 100th meal that no one asked you to make, I’ll fix the fucking sink. *muttering* Eat a bag of dicks, EA.

Rabid: Ugh, there’s a ghost in my bedroom!

OK, two things. First, you are a ghost, so you shouldn’t be scared of ghosts. And second, WHY AREN’T YOU IN BOARDING SCHOOL?

Rabid: I got kicked out cause our household added another Sim. Against the rules, apparently.

Staccato: Hi!

You too? You haven’t even been gone a day.

Staccato: Nevertheless, I’m done with school! And I can’t even go to public school now!

OK EVERYONE NOW

Entire Kent/Wolff household: HEY EA! EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

The day after the wedding, Hungry realizes in addition to her normal days off, she got more added on, so the next time she’d go back to work would be sometime in the next century. And just only an hour of work or so away from her lifetime goal too. Ugh. So time to kiss up to her current boss/ex-girlfriend.

Hungry: Blah blah blah repetitive social interactions. OK, now that I’ve spent the entire day warming you up to me again, where is the ask for promotion option?

Emmy: Apparently someone’s simmer forgot you can’t beg for a level 10 promotion.

FML.

Oh, looks like the maid has a crush!

Maid: Nice body…

Rabid: Um, what body? Leave me alone, I’m working out.

Hey, why such a jerk? She likes you, man.

Rabid: I like someone else.

Who?

Rabid: You’ll see…

What’s up Elspeth?

Elspeth: As you know, I’m in the politician career…

Actually, I didn’t know that.

Elspeth: Anyway, I’m practicing for my TV interview. So Paul Revere, he’s the guy who warned the British they weren’t going to be taking our guns because we need them cause you can see Russia from my house!

Keep practicing.

Elspeth: What do you mean? I have over a million followers on Facebook already!

Hungry, your son’s prom is tonight, why aren’t you seeing him off?

Hungry: Meh, some people get something out of that, I don’t.

You mean proms?

Hungry: No, sons.

So how’d prom go, Rabid?

Rabid: I got into a fight, no one would dance with me, and they pretty much ignored me the whole night until the end.

What happened then?

Rabid: I got voted Prom King!

Yeah, that makes total sense.

Rabid: Well, I think they just wanted to dump pig blood on me, but they were out of blood.

For someone who was just complaining about being overworked, you picked a strange hobby.

Ethan: Ah, but this is fun. I invented a potion!

What’s it do.

Ethan: Turns mummies into ghosts!

Yeah, that’s better than wasting time finding a cure for cancer or some shit.

Harley: BOO!

Staccato: You turd! I was already scared of you!

Hungry: AHH! A GHOST!

I swear, I can’t get anything done in this house without people freaking out. I might as well bring Luke the Simbot back.

Harley: Hello, I’m the new spokesman for Burger King! Eat at Burger King!

Random Sim: AHHH YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME, I’M NOT EATING THERE!

Harley; But I’m not as scary as the Burger King!

Random Sim: Good point, guess I’ll have a whopper then.

OK, so Hungry has three days until she goes back to work, the kids I tried to send off to boarding school don’t age up for another three days.. In fact, Rabid is set to age up “Never.” Fuck this, I’m bored of it. Someone’s getting an early birthday!

Staccato: But that means I’ll die three days earlier!

You’re a vampire.

Staccato: Oh yeah.

Staccato: So what’s my final trait?

Fuck if I know, I didn’t write it down.

Staccato: You suck. Why am I in my underwear?

Family tradition.

Elspeth: Why am _I_ in my underwear?

Like I said FAMILY TRADITION. It’s not a Breckman/Kent/Wolff birthday unless we’re in our underwear! LOOK IT UP! I’ll wait.

Kent Kent…

Charlene Kent…

Darlene Kent…

Clarkette Kent…

Clark Kent…

Gurton Breckman…

Joey Breckman, Jr.

I think you get the point.

WHAT THE HELL EA??? I even had Ethan make it UNBREAKABLE!

Rabid: Finally, she’s old enough to tell her my feelings. Staccato, I am in love with you.

Wait, what? Isn’t she your cousin?

Rabid: Second cousin once-removed.

Harley: Get out, I need to piss.

Rabid: You’re ruining a moment! I’m professing my love to Staccato.

Harley: Your cousin?

Rabid: Second cousin once-removed!

Staccato: I love you too, Rabid.

Celina: This is gross.

Rabid: WE’RE SECOND COUSINS ONCE REMOVED!

Rabid: Will you marry me, Staccato Mamba Kent?

Staccato: Of course I will.

Celina: This is the first kiss scene, not the proposal scene.

Shut up, I don’t have marriage enabled for teens yet. I’m making do.

Rabid: So mom, me and Staccato are getting married and moving to Hidden Springs.

Hungry: Fine, do what you want. See you.

Rabid: You don’t care we’re related?

Hungry: You are? Oh right, after I left Vladimir he hooked up with Staccato’s widowed mom Belisama so you two share a half sibling, Dara Kent.

OK, Now I’m even more grossed out.

And so the happy young couple moved to Hidden Springs, leaving the rest of the crazy Kent/Wolffs behind. That’s right Harley has finally made his last appearance. He will be missed. Or not.

Staccato: So what will we do without our family’s millions?

Rabid: I’ve been reading about this challenge on the web called difference in the family tree, so I thought I’d force it on our next 15 generations.

How do you suppose you do that?

Rabid: Well, I was hoping you’d…

Ugh. OK fine. Let’s see how far this takes us…

Tune in next time when the Wolff family becomes a DITFT!

Chapter 32: Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

Posted: October 6, 2011 in Ethan Kent, Harley Bull, Hungry Lyktha Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

I know You know that
I’m not telling the truth
I know you know they
Just don’t have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions,
They will Psych you out in the end

So it’s been several months since we’ve last seen Shawn and Gus, so how about a recap. Shawn has passed himself off as a psychic detective, and has convinced his pal Gus to help him run an private investigator agency…

Oh. Fuck. Sorry, that’s Psych. You’re here (all two? of you) for my legacy: Got to Keep the Cookies on the Plate. Or something like that. Fuck if I can remember. Oh. and we have strong language.

This is Staccato Mamba Kent. She was named after that dude from ZZ Top’s grandkid on Bones. She is the only child of Kent Kent and Belisama Hemlock-Kent. Kent Kent died in a not-so-tragic accident of stupidity. Basically, he learned the hard way that Sims vampires DIE in the sun instead of sparkle sparkle.

This is Kent Kent’s father. Ethan. I don’t really remember much about him except for the fact he bored the hell out of me. His time as heir pretty much killed the blog for a while. He works as a scientist, and made it all the way to the top level. He still works despite being over 100, because, well fuck that guy. He also eats in his underwear just to gross me out.

This is Harley Bull. He first joined the family in chapter ten. CHAPTER TEN. That was so long ago Sims 3 hadn’t even come out yet. I don’t think. He’s been a mummy since before World Adventures came out. I’m not making that up, I promise.

OK, so I guess I’m a worse narrator than Ted Moseby.

This is Rabid Wolff-Schlick. He is the future heir and son of Hungry Lyktha Wolff and Vladimir Schlick. He, like his mother, was born a ghost. They inherited their ghost gene from Clarka Kent, the love of Thornton Wolff’s life.

OK, maybe “bane of Thornton Wolff’s existence” is a better term.

This is Celina Jung. She’s the butler. She’s not important. Forget I mentioned her.

This is the current matriarch of this messed up family: Hungry Lyktha Wolff. I named her after a Duran Duran song, and Rio would have been just too normal/easy. The last heir, Ethan, was NOT her father. Like I just said, her mother was Clarka Kent. Pay attention. No wonder you got bad grades in school, you stupid person.

Have I lost all my readers yet? No? OK. Anyway, she stole the heirship (is that a word? Computer says no.) from her stupid cousin Kent Kent. (The spot on the pavement, remember.)

Um. Thanks David Walliams. For the record Matt Lucas is funnier. So there.

Here we see Hungry on the phone. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. This is one of those blogs where I talk to the characters. I was about to go the whole blog just talking myself, and I know you readers don’t want THAT.

Hi Hungry. Who are you calling?

Hungry: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?

Um, me. Remember me?

Hungry: No.

OK. Deleting file…

Hungry: I mean yes. Yes I do.

That’s better. Now answer the question.

Hungry: I’m sending Rabid to art school. I learned that if you are in charge of someone you get to ignore them for months on end.

LOOK I AM SORRY OK??

Hungry: No, it is NOT fine. Our house is falling apart! Look at it!

Actually, it was doing that even when I played regularly. Check out the previous chapters I swear. Shit breaks constantly, and calling the repair man just gets ignored.

Hungry: Probably cause he doesn’t want to come in this ugly lemon house. Who chose this color scheme anyway?

So I take a look around this house and quite frankly, I don’t remember why I added some of the stuff that I did. Did I really put a horse trough in the back yard?

OK, I definitely did that. I have a tendency to make people sleep outside. I think it’s funny.

So Hungry drove off to her job in the acting career. She is currently level 9, her lifetime goal is to be level 10. I could look up the respective titles to both and said those instead but then you’d be thinking “what level is that” so you should thank me for being lazy, right?

Heading to work Ethan?

Ethan: No, I have to drive to the bar and convince the bartender that LOGIC IS GREAT!

Why?

Ethan: BECAUSE LOGIC IS GREAT!

That doesn’t seem to make sense.

Ethan: IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, NOW JUST BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY LOGIC IS GREAT!

Um, Rabid what are you doing?

Rabid: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Oh. OK. See you later.

Ethan: LOGIC IS GREAT!

Bartender: Then why don’t you MARRY it?

Ethan: MAYBE I WILL!

Do you think Ethan knows what “logic” means?

Ethan: So here’s a picture of my grand-daughter Staccato Mamba.

Bartender: God, my job has gotten ten times worse since Generations has come out.

Hey, Hurley, shouldn’t you be watching the baby?

Harley: It’s Harley.

Whatever. The baby.

Harley: I can see her. I have to run so I can live longer.

I’m pretty sure mummies can’t die.

Harley: Do you know this for sure?

I guess we’ll find out.

Celina: I guess I’ll put the baby to bed since no one else will.

Go away, I already told the reader you don’t matter to this story.

Celina: But I’m the only one who does any work around here!

No one cares.

What’s up Rabid?

Rabid: I’m going to be late to my cousin’s birthday party cause SOMEONE forgot to wake me up when I fell asleep on a random bench.

Um, I don’t know anything about that. *quickly clicks on go to home lot button*

Um, Hungry, shouldn’t you invite the guests inside?

Hungry: When I feel like it.

Old man: YOU ARE A CHEATER!

Hungry: What the fuck? Why is this geezer calling me a cheater? We weren’t playing cards!

Um, yeah, you probably need to read the Generations patch notes.

Hungry: (reading) REPUTATION? WHAT THE FUCK? All those people I slept with knew it was just a one time thing!

Sorry, you can’t do that anymore.

Hungry: (grumbles) At least there’s no cats.

Um… for this chapter anyway.

Hungry: What do you mean?

Oh, nothing…

Hungry: Blow out the candles.

Staccato: I’m tired!

Hungry: SHUT UP AND BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. THIS IS A PARTY AND YOU ARE HAVING FUN!

Wow. I just had flashbacks…

Give me a moment. OK DADDY I’LL BE HAPPY

Sorry. Where were we?

This is Staccato Mamba Kent as a child. She is now Artistic, to go with Good and Friendly.

Staccato: Can I go to bed now?

Not until you eat all your cake, young lady.

Staccato: Aw, man…

Hungry: Hello super expensive boarding school? I would like to ignore another child for months on end. Cause that’s what you do.

I SAID I WAS SORRY!

Harley: Changing the clothes from the washer to the dryer.. doot doot doot doo…

Harley, um…

Harley: (to the tune of Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog) I’M DOIN LAUNDRY… YEAH YEAH…

Harley.. why…

Harley: Ah, here’s the dryer.

Harley… oh, never mind.

So since Hungry was only a touch away from her LTW, and she had THREE off days now, I decided to send her to the butterfly place on a date with her boss. Except the game bugged out and her boss never showed up.

THIS is one of a billion reasons I take this game off.

Hungry: Good luck with that picture, bet it doesn’t develop mwahaha.

Staccato: Will you be my friend?

Celina: Why of c—

SHUT UP! I TOLD YOU YOU CAN’T BE A PART OF THE STORY!

Looks like Emmy isn’t showing up, Hungry.

Hungry: Oh well. Hey, this lady looks attractive.

That’s Elspeth Cook. I think you slept with her mother.

Hungry: Really? That’s a good ice-breaker.

Hungry: AND THE WOMAN I FUCKED WAS… YOUR MOTHER!

Elspeth: AHHHHHHH

OK, so it looks like I’m not the only worse narrator than Ted Moseby.

Hungry: According to these patch notes I just read, I can now pull flowers out of thin air!

Elspeth: That’s a neat trick.

Hungry: ILLUSION! Don’t you watch Arrested Development?

Elspeth: Mr. Wendal?

Hungry: So what’s your sign, baby?

Elspeth: Virgo.

Hungry: Really? In that outfit?

OK, Hungry, enough messing around, let’s get down to business already…

Hungry: Shut up, SOME of us haven’t gotten to play with all the new Generations stuff yet.

OK OK, Sorry.

Yep, looks like some things never change.

Hungry: You shut up! This time is different.

Oh really? How?

Oh.

Chapter 31. Eff the Police

Posted: April 3, 2011 in Belisama Hemlock, Darlene Bunch, Ethan Kent, Harley Bull, Hungry Lyktha Wolff, Kent Kent, Monk, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Vladimir Schlick

Staccato Mamba: Welcome back to Got To Keep the Loonies on The Path, the best Sims blog on the web. You love GTKTLOTP. It is much better than Cats. You are going to read it again and again.

Um, what are you doing?

S. M.: Nothing.

You’re creepy.

In case you missed Darlene Kent, here she is again. In case you didn’t miss her, well fine. She didn’t miss you either!

Kent Kent is getting off work at his not suspicious at all warehouse.

Cop: No, it’s very suspicious. In fact, Belisama told us exactly what you were up to. Come with me, Mr. Kent.

Kent: My own wife ratted me out? What the hell.

Cop: Wait, I just got another call. Wait right here, I’ll be back to arrest you later.

Kent: OK.

You’re actually gonna just wait there?

Kent: You have to do what the police say.

Some future Emperor of Evil you are.

Vlad: Hey Kent, what’s up?

Kent: I’m waiting for the police to come get me.

Vlad: Really? Why not just shoot them or something? Or even better, just leave?

Kent: That would be wrong.

Vlad: You’ve read your job description right?

Belly: Ha ha, I got my stupid boring husband arrested.

Harley: I like dancing!

Harley, that’s all you ever do, dance like a moron, and I’m sick of it.

There, I sold your stereo.

Harley: Party pooper.

Look, you made Belisama dance until she couldn’t stay awake. You should be ashamed of yourself. How old are you now anyway?

Harley: My thing says 100 days. But it’s said that for weeks now.

He is never going to die. Let this be a lesson simmers, don’t let your sims become mummies.

Hungry: Hey Kent, I came to see if I could flirt with you, and maybe you’d rather woohoo than stand in the sun and rot.

Kent: Aren’t we related?

Hungry: Bah, who keeps track of that stuff.

I know the Sims doesn’t, I’d make a family tree if the game didn’t go around deleting the in game one before I could remember who was who. But I think Hungry, is Clarka’s daughter, and Kent is Clark’s grandson and Ethan was Hungry’s first cousin, so Kent and Hungry are first cousins once removed. So that makes Rabid and Staccato Mamba second cousins once removed to each other. And I’m my own grandpa.

Kent: Hmm, I can smell my own flesh burning. I hope that cop comes back soon.

He really had “Wait” and “Jail” locked in his queue and I couldn’t delete it. I guess I could have reset him, but it’s only Kent.

Hungry: Lady, I’m sorry I cheated on you last chapter.

Lady: That’s ok. Do I know you? Are you the nurse who gives me my pudding? Let’s make out.

Hungry: Old people rock.

Lady: I’ve been to the moon!

Hungry: Then again, senility gets old fast, I’m out of here.

Hey, where’d Kent go? I guess he got tired of waiting. He left behind a mess though.

Oh. I guess that mess IS Kent.

Death: I THINK THIS IS MY DUMBEST CUSTOMER EVER.

Kent looks cooler as a ghost, though.

Death: DO YOU THINK IF I TOLD HIM TO WAIT FOR ME TO COME BACK HE WOULD STAND HERE FOREVER?

Yeah, but that would be a lot like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bunny Vampire Toddler has no idea her daddy just died. Or that she’s about to become an orphan because…

Cop: Belisama Kent! You are under arrest! Just wait there a moment though.

Belly: I don’t think so!

Like I was going to let the cops kill off ALL my vampires.

Belly, what the hell are you driving?

Belly: My lemon car.

Hellz no. I didn’t earn over 2 million simoleons for my family so you could drive POS cars.

Belly: Maybe a drink at The Prosper Room will help me get over my husband’s death.

You mean the husband you ratted out to the police?

Belly: Shut up.

Pianist: And here’s a song I wrote especially for Belisama Kent!

Did you use “Think about me” on her?

Belly: *whistles innocently*

Jeffrey Cook: This drink is lousy! What kind of bartender are you anyway??

Bartender: I’m really an accountant.

Jeffrey: Ugh, I’m going back to the bar that has the women in the swimsuits serving drinks.

Nothing ghosts love more than playing video games! Hungry, why don’t you sit on the same couch as Monk?

Hungry: Ghosts have cooties.

Can someone please explain to me why maids and butlers just won’t finish my laundry, even with four pairs of working washers and dryers available?

Meanwhile, Vlad and Belly are really hitting it off.

Belly: Exercising is awesome!

I guess it is if you can get zero to 10 athletic in one exercise session… personally, I’d rather watch TV.

Vlad: So now that we established we have so much in common, how about we put one of these beds to use… Hey, did you just change clothes?

Belly: Yeah, I got to go to work.

Later that night, Vlad had better luck.

Yep, just a bit better, I’d say.

OK, quite a DAMN bit better.

Hungry: Hey Belly, you planning on raising this kid anytime soon?

Seriously, where the hell is that butler?

I get the feeling she’s in this for the free bed.

Hungry: A dressing dummy would do a better job of raising you.

S. M.: DUMMY!

Dammit, he’s dancing again. Time to sell another stereo.

There, you can just quietly watch TV and stop distracting the other sims.

Harley: Come dancing! It’s only natural.

No, they’re not going to come dancing *sells guitar*

Just clean the damn house. No one else will.

That’s a good mummy. Wouldn’t this make an awesome detergent commercial? I can picture it now…

Harley: Are you happy with your wash?

Shopper: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Hungry on your promotion to Lead Actress.

Hungry: I’m replacing Sandra Bullock in Speed 3: Automatic Pilot.

Hungry then visits the theater to pick up her Green Orb award.

Hungry: This is the filthiest theater ever! Look at all the bugs!

Belly: Yes you are the father! What the hell? Who else would I have slept with??

Vlad: Your husband?

Belly: Oh yeah, I had a husband.

Vlad: I’m finally gonna be a father!

Belly: What about Rabid?

Vlad: Oh yeah, I have a son.

Belly: So Vlad and I are having a baby, and we thought we’d just go ahead and move out and start a new life together, kthxbye.

Hungry: Congrats, I’m happy for you? (Hmm, I think she’s forgetting something.)

Hungry: Crap!

Hungry: I feel like I’ve spent more time with this kid than I did my own.

Rabid: I just got 10 levels of drums!

Show off.

They’ve all gone to the Brightmore for a birthday party! Is it Belly’s birthday?

No…

Is it Rabid’s?

No…

Is it Hungry’s?

Well, yes, but we’re not celebrating it because the game for some stupid reason wouldn’t let be blow out her candles or age her up, so I guess I’ve got two immortals in my household.

But no birthday party of mine is gonna end with no payoff, so the bartender has to take a bullet.

Bartender: But I’m only 37!

Not anymore! Sucker!

Tune in next time when the bartender probably dies of old age.