Dec 29, 2024
"Well, if you know how to read, why are you just a sheperd?"
The boy mumbled an answer that allowed him to avoid responding to her question.
I was her. Wondering why people choose their path even if they have much more other potential they can exploit out of themselves.
I didnt understand at the time that it is their true calling. Their role in this world as the warrior.
Dec 24, 2024. 1734.
XDR tuberculosis. Not your every day cesarean section.
Plus
Wrecked right lung lobus.
And pulmonary hypertension.
Started the surgery with 60ish/40ish mmHg.
CSgasm.
Full protection, N95, covid-style apparels.
Shower after the ops.
It felt like an injection of happy hormone.
I hope the mother survive the ICU.
Nov 29, 2024. 0822 hrs
Posted dec 6.
10 weeks pregnant and i cannot stand people.
Never occur to me the word apa kabar could be obnoxious.
And i ignored phonecalls.
Since uh when?
I skipped hospital like i skipped school. It seemed im a sophomore all over.
And i sleep too much. Before work, in between patient, while waiting for anesthesiologist to sedate patients. In the parking lot.
Nov 10, 2024
Somewhere above the sky of java island.
Im just gonna give my life updates. So if u read this, you are somewhat the first to know.
Nov 1 i celebrated my 10th years wedding anniversary. Which i am very proud of it. Imagine when i was in preliminary exam for entering OBGYN residency. One of the examiner who was my kepala departemen gave me this question:
Liat contoh perempuan2 obgin disini. Kamu ga takut cerai/selingkuh? Gimana suami anak kamu ditinggal lama selama kamu di RS?
I answered, affair happened pretty much everywhere. Bukan obgin aja. That happened when the integrity bw husband and wife is lost (And that integrity is being tested when you are alone between you and God eyes only). That integrity, diajarin di rumah. Dont make obgyn as an excuse.
So, my 10th years together with mas irsyad was my achievement. Our achievement.
Nov 2, my pregnancy test was positive. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 after 5 years waiting and we conceive spontaneously. The prayers that i thought was only there sitting in the corner has been answered <3
I really like Allahs timing. July i finished hajj been praying for pregnancy and i believed Allah will just as easy to grant it. Just like my:
1. GMC story
2. Mercedes benz story
3. Madinah Jeddah superfast train story
4. Bakso and bala-bala story.
August ive been taking care of people who i squeezed forcefully into my plate yet full-heartedly but finally drifted away. And come the time wishing i could take care someone who really belongs to me. And ta da! Someone inside my belly!
I am in my profound gratitude to the Most Merciful..
Oct 30, 2024. 1950 hrs
Both gabor mate, susan cain, and a. Helwa told a story about Nasruddin, the foolish character Rumi made in his sufi stories, in their books. Who happened to lose his keys. All his friends help him to find the key and asked where did the last time he saw/hold the key. He said,"in my house." But he himself and his friend was there outside the house (instead of in the inside). "Then why we are here? Not inside?"
"Because there is light out here, i can see clearly."
He looked for something in the wrong place because the wrong place seemed easier for him to see.
What a story.
A colleague of mine had a miscarriage. Well, when i say a colleague means i dont really talk to her unless its about patients stuff. She seemed shock but also strong. She is a doctor, she knows whats going on. The night she got to the emergency room (ER), she was well understood that she experienced a hypovolemic shock, a state when she bled too much thus heart and lung were compromised. The heart rate spiked.
We rescucitated and she was sent to operating theatre (OT) directly.
Parts of conception was expelled when we were in the ER. She needed to undergo curretage in order to stop the bleeding. It went well alhamdulillah.
The next day, i came to see her. She was cheerful, alhamdulillah, i dont have to feel like breaking bad news, i thought. And i did the usual patient education such as what i did in the OT, the specimens (the baby and the placenta i took out), some precautions, warning signs, etc. Include : future pregnancy.
She already knew what causes the miscarriage for her first pregnancy: unexplained. We could not know unless we spent thousands of unnecesarry expensive tests only to find out why and most of cases are just cannot be explained. We dont know why.
I mentioned,
we can do screening for the next pregnancy, we better off plan the pregnancy well, etc etc.
But above all, sometimes even if we screen all the possibilities of underlying disease of you or any chromosomal defect on the baby, sometimes we dont look for the cause in your mind.
So, its important that you made your peace first and be true to yourself and we can meet to do screening and planning to conceive after that. Sometimes, for newlywed, some stressed are triggered because the baby came too soon, you dont have time for honeymoon or the feeling you cant be a mother yet.
Then i closed with, itu tabungan pahala, dont feel guilty and theres nothing to be blamed.
She looked down and try to avoid eye contact while i said the baby came too soon.
I believed that whatever stress we carry, it affects the body. What happened to us, maybe its the way God answers our prayers.
Oct 26, 2024
Just got off a 1.5 hour phone call from a friend. Basically we discussed about "culture" shock, to him as in environment changes, to me as in human behaviour.
His culture shock was obvious, pure living adaptation to understand a new way of living. Mine was something in disguise and delicate, because i want to understand a new way to understand.
As we grow and do a lot of exercise to encounter people, we will have "hunches" to see malfunctioned person, especially emotionally malfunction. Why do i say "hunch"? Because you cant see it objectively. Physical disabilities may be very prominent and obviously shown. But emotional disabled people, they will be surprisingly functional to do chores but they are toxic in certain level. Unfortunately though, you cant see how toxic they are until you encounter them (maybe) daily/routinely.
For these past few months, i read books related to sophisticated way to understand people.
1. Bittersweet by susan cain - basically told me how longing and having sorrow somehow one of two sides of coins. Its bitter and sweet.
2. Quiet by susan cain - made me understand people sometimes are introverts who doesnt talk much but they are forced to meet certain expectations. And most of them hide their true selves behind a book/pods/journal/whatever they gear to face the outer world who cant stop talking
3. No longer human by osamu dazai - a sad story from a suicidal author who wrote a story about himself living of a shameless life of not fitting the society. How he doesnt desire, he doesnt feel, he doesnt need anything. He cannot say his emotion.
4. Maps of meaning by jordan petterson - a logical way to hide/avoid (if i can use my own preference of diction, while he would say "control over your capacity to control") things that might drag you to domain of chaos. Basically say, from my understanding, that just drop things that make your life in chaos, focus on yourself. (And at some point i sensed that this petterson way to describe it as "focus on yourself, and just ignore other people, they dont matter to you"
5. When the body says no by gabor mate - a finishing book of my own journey to understand people (hopefully). He dissects to a very basic human relatiosnhip to their own past experience, trauma, and who makes them who they are now especially the disease developed inside their bodies due to their unfinished repressed emotion, fear, anxiety, loneliness. Including on how i relate to myself of the consequences of being too nice, too understanding actually not really a good thing if being too nice/understanding means losing your own interest/free will.
I came to conclusion in a positive way is that every persona has their own definition in this world, and they play their part. I dont have to intervene even though i see that might be a bomb-ticking explosion in some way or another in people who repressed their emotions. Since i dont have the capacity to put everyone in my plate. I need to invest in my core people whose energy oscillates in my real life. Whose kiss and hug elevates my mood, whose convo deepen my meaning somehow in my/their lives. Who stays.
I also came to conclusion in a negative way, as i quoted from my conversation with my friend just this evening that these toxic people (even thou they are part of the world, part of your life, a person who you once had a good time with, a person who meant a lot to you in some phase of your life, or you cant imagine that you would be in this era without them, you still keep them in your prayers as you promised, will be a two pages in your life, or a chapter, or a book of your writing as if they are really meant to you, i sound so emo wkwk) either you give them a smile, or you give them a frown, they will stay toxic. No matter how you respected them, treated them well as you wanted yourself to be treated, some just has failed not because they wanted to fail you, (i am being still positive) because they doesnt have the capability, doesnt have the heart, doesnt have the willingness. Their intention at first might be not "to fail you" but they just didnt passed the test.
As khalil gibran said, and i quoted this to in my previous writing, its impossible for a turtle to swift like a deer. But damn i also believe a constant waterdrop soften the rock. Its not the strength of the water, but the continuity to soften the rock. The same way as the hardened heart.
They wouldnt and couldnt understand you as much as you would not and could not understand them, its a vice versa. If they are not in your plate, its always okay to let them go, for in long term consequences, they reduce your strength and even worse can counter attack your immunity if you start to give up your autonomy.
Oct 23, 2024 1727 hrs
Ish. Road traffic in Jakarta definitely suppressing immunity. Cant imagine how people can live in peace while driving and spend 2-4 hours on the road trapped in traffic jam. Thankfully i decide to work only for certain radius from home. Less than 30-45 mins, 1 hr top, to get to each hospital in rush hour, and 15 min in the middle of the night.
If no car/motorcycle/bus got into my nerve, i really enjoy the road. Good music, sing a long with my sember voice.
But. Big but. Road can ruin my mood like an immature on puberty if ada orang songong yg cutting my road improperly. Ugh, i can hunt that vehicle like a dog, honking for 2-3 minute straight right behind their tail. Kaya sore ini. Ada wuling airev bermental motor nyelap nyelip seenak jidat. Gw ikutin ampe rumahnya kalo bisa.
One time, i got out from the car, i smashed in gentle way at this driver window in front of me (stupidly leaving all the guard behind, getting out from the car is very childish way to confront). Only to say, "ga punya sim lo ya? Tolol bgt nyetir lo." Untung ga direkam. Aduh i could be that uneducated.
Lately a lot of videos of this outrage drivers. I need to repress the annoyance of car driver bermental geng motor yang songong. Kaya jalan punya bapak lu.
I learned that from my dad btw lol. He is very loud in driving, short tempered. I thought he was a macho by the way he drove and chased other car.
And my language copied my mom. She yelled all the time when she drives. Dont get me wrong, i totally loved the both. Theyre like my superheroes in driving, i took them as role model. The bad one. But i liked it. I like the adrenaline of chasing obnoxious car/bus.
Tidak patut dicontoh.
Once my husband told me (the waaaayyyy more polite driver who brakes even for flat bumps), if i dont stop this habit, i could put my life on danger. Because whatever car/motorcycle/bus i chase, i might stimulate their anger. The anger of people out of their minds. Because the street is where people let their steam from office/work/house off. A lot of nasty thing.
I need to repent. and when i told the story tonight, he said itd be better off to set a dashcam. So i can control language and behaviour.
Oct 20, 2024. 2220 hrs
I shouldve stay to listen to their problems, instead of trying to change them.
"Pity that the stags cannot teach swiftness to the turtles."
-the prophet. Kahlil Gibran.
When one were born from darkness, grew in complete blackout then the eyes reluctant to adjust light. One might hate light and long for complete unlitted life.
Oct 19, 2024. 0934 hrs
"yesterday went well?"
"Yep all is good. How bout u?"
"Just like usual. Nothing really special worth writing," i said.
Beneran ga ada yg worth writing? Mungkin ada. But i am too cloudy to see the little sparkles, i guess.
I think i forced myself to write. Btw, i used the diction "forced," i have a thought about it:
Once i got this message from a long lost friend, "yeah honestly, now that I think about it, in true love, true friendshipa lot of effort, shouldn't feel like a lot of effort."
The more i think about it, the more see myself disagree to that statement. At the time, the according sentence sounds beautifully arranged.
At some point in our lives, we do have to make a lot of effort at first to do something, even if we feel reluctant. For example is praying.
Isnt it too abstract to worship something unseen? Or having faith over something we cant touch? Any human with logic once in his/her lifetime would question the greater power inside and outside our action called God. But then as Allah promised we make one effort one step and Allah will come closer one hasta. Itu aja sama Tuhan the most generous. Gimana sama manusia? Ofcourse we even have to go extra miles to understand true love or true friendship, we need to put a lot of effort. Theres no such things as going with flow. Friendship and love always takes 2 heads to tango, its about meeting people halfway, two parties had to make the effort.
Thats what i thought about effort. Ya emg hrs effort, sorry to say.
Then im gonna write about things actually worth writing:
I had finished all my patients for my policlinic day. The nurse said im free to leave. Then a mom of small stature 17 yo girl came into my room. I thought i have finished.
"Saya ga daftar poli dok. Cuma mau ngasih ini. Anak saya bulan lalu akhirnya mens.. saya udah janji kalo anak sy mens, saya mau ngasih hadiah ke dokter."
This girl stopped having menstruation since 6 years ago. They had been confused and they didnt have answer to it. Sebegitunya ternyata.. to me, this was just another case aja. Banyak yg kaya begini. Tp to be the one who experienced mungkin sebegitunya frustrated. Frustration for the mother and the young lady.
Si ibunya nangis, anaknya juga nangis. I used to this awkward moment, i knew what to do. I liked the moment. But short after that i plunge into routines that clouds my head, and forgetting that this moment i should be grateful.
Ini cerita begini actually putting myself to be vulnerable (to appear snob/brag, thats not what i intend, but its up to you how you perceive). For posting like this i didnt put the link up to my IG story. I never repost my patients tag over instagram because it felt wrong. This also a bit awkward. But i feel like i wanna remember the moment, one day i scroll thru my pages, and i can recall this day.
Satu lagi cerita ttg si ibu istri dubes di amerika. Came to me with uterine prolaps. She was an independent old lady. Very majestic, speaks fluent english. I did all my consultation in english. Oh how i loved it. She got 4 kids, noone accompany her to the hospital. Theyre all busy, she said, and she felt reluctant to mention her probs to her kids.
Long story short, i sent her to operating theatre, she was wheeled by her daughter. Other obgyn doing the surgery that i am not competent to do for her case. She gave me jilbab and after her surgery we still talked over WA. I am afraid she felt lonely. I dont want my mom felt lonely. Nor any other peoples mom.
So, "nothing worth writing" sounded wrong. Just force myself to write and be grateful.
Oct 16, 2024. 1607 hrs
Gawat. That time of the month again. Feels like i wanna go somewhere no one knows my name.
I wanna keep writing but the spirit has gone. And now everytime i look at my book, i feel i wanna puke. How could i read that much book for the past months. I wonder where the energy came from, matter of fact i probably i drained it.
I wanna write about the art of surrendering: about my patient who never surrender and i surrender to her. I did 3 procedures on her alone only to meet a failure of her expectation. To me its a failure. For her maybe its her strive her fight and pride. Maybe.
On the phone with my friend, i said,"gw cape ngomong ama dia. She is so persistent. ngalah mulu gw. Padahal gw udah tau bakal gagal." -- they said, "bukan ngalah dung, it is you trying to put yourself in her shoes while maintaining your rationality as a doctor."
I think im gonna tell you the story.
A couple weeks ago, i got a referral of a mother, 32 yo, pregnant 30 weeks, the baby weight hy ultrasound was 950ish gram. She wasnt supposed to be in labor yet. But she came with cervical dilatation of 3 cm. When usually theres no cervical dilatation in this 30 weeks.
Cervical dilatation of 3 cm means exposure of the babys membrane to the outer world had happened. Out world means bacterias, vaginal fluid, infection, etc. 2 options: A) let the baby out and we treat the baby after she was delivered. B) put so much antibiotics, anti contraction drug hoping the dilatation will close by itself.
Yet, the patient was so educated. She wants to do cervical cerclage, option Z. A procedure to forcefully close the cervix by stitching the cervix from arah jam 1 ke jam 11 ke jam 7 ke jam 5 balik lg ke jam 1 so the cervix will close just like ngiket sarung guling. Chance of success? Less likely.
Why she is being so persistent?
I learned that she lost her kid of 700 g in NICU a couple years ago. The same problem, the cervix dilate way too early. The womb cant handle the weight of the baby. And a slight infection. Make the whole body trying to expel the baby in order to save the baby from ongoing infection inside the mothers system. And her 2nd kid was a miscarriage.
I started to think that this mother construct her way to decide based on chaos she had previously, added with buoyed informations of alternatives/options that she herself cannot predict how much hope she should predict/expect. Woman, oh woman when it come into emotional decision, theyre bad at it.
Sometimes its easier to exchanging knowledge with the husband, more logical and less drama. But still its her body, not her husbands.
At this time, i chose to break brutal truth than white lie of hope. This gonna be a failing procedure, i explained to the husband.
I did the cerclage as she wished. It was a beautiful cerclage. Considering by the length of her cervix, i was probably wrong. Maybe we could save the baby for another months at least, i thought. She made a good call, i thought. Sometimes mother has hunches that helps the doctor too, you know? Its the connection fo the baby maybe, or God voice thru her. I went home, added another prayer to this stranger.
The next day, i got fajr calling, but not adzan. This mom went into regular contraction, profuse bleeding and turned out the dilation has increased into 6 cm. This beautiful cerclage tore the cervix. And we cant stop the contraction, her leukocyte build up, the antibiotics failed too, the anticontraction failed too.
All the sources comes to waste. As expected, i thought. I educated her to have vaginal delivery since the head circumference of the baby was not that big. She had a previous cesarean section, we called this CS for short, before. And again, she got this prior knowledge of the danger of vaginal birth after cesarean as we called vbac for short, and she was denying my advice. Again, ngalah. I did try my best to explain the benefits and the risk from both vbac and repeated cs. She chose exactly the opposite of my advice.
And i did the CS and i repaired the ruptured cervix. All this for delivering this baby of 1000 g. A fighter. And her mom was a fighter too. And there i was wondering if i could be more firm to her. The baby is in NICU still, i hope she made it. But here i am praying for other people i dont know in an upset way or in a cheerful way, forgetting sometimes to forgive myself for not being able to separate my emotional aspect from professional duty.
