I am in a very bad place right now. I decided to not blog about this donor egg cycle, hoping I would be able to come back here in about 8 weeks to let you in on my little secret that I finally made it to the other side and was pregnant with twins.
On April 18th we transferred three grade two embryos in my body. This was our donor's third donor cycle and both previous cycles resulted in ongoing pregnancies. The donor already has two babies at home.
This time I was taking Heparine and PIO shots in addition to the suppositories and the steroids. My blood levels of estrogen and progesterone were great. They dropped a little the week after transfer (which my doctor said was normal) and then went up to 557 estrogen and 51 progesterone last Saturday. I was super happy with those levels and really thought that this time it has worked. Stupid me was thinking that one of the little beings in me had started producing its own progesterone. In addition, my period is nowhere to be seen (last time it started before the blood test). While my boobs were never sore during the whole cycle, I had to pee quite frequently and actually had to get up to pee at night. I was really sure that 5 times of IVF was our lucky charm. After all we were using donor eggs, right? That's supposed to work...
Yesterday night I couldn't contain myself and took an expired pregnancy test (that was the only one I had at home). It was negative. This morning when I had my blood test in the doctor's office I broke down and cried in front of the nurse that was drawing my blood. She told me to have faith. I told her how difficult it was to continue to have faith after 5 (!) IVF cycles.
Afterwards I frantically googled expired pregnancy tests and false negatives... I tried to tell myself that it is all in God's hand. I had to leave it up to him. Still I was thinking about getting a positive result.
The doctor's office was supposed to call me with the results at 11:00 am. Needless to say that I couldn't do any work this morning... The two pregnant ladies in my office were not there first, and then in and out. I finally called the doctor's office while I was by myself in the office. It took a while for me to talk to the right person. Finally she told me that she wanted me to call my doctor on her cell phone. Which I thought was because the doctor wanted to tell me the results personally. At our last failed cycle I hadn't done the blood test there, so I was kind of surprised. I heard a sad tone in her voice, but still had hope.
Of course I called the doctor right away. To hear it personally from the doctor: My body once again has killed three potential children. I feel like such a failure.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
The un-pregnant one
I have been quite busy lately and therefore rather quiet. But this is more due to not really having lots to share.
It seems like everyone around me is pregnant right now. It first started with a neighbor #1 M. She told us last summer that she was expecting baby #2 (#1 is 3 years old). In the meantime #2 was born in January. Then my former neighbor #2 A. whom I was very close to moved away and found out she is expecting #2 (number one is 21 months old).
After our IVF #4 (!) failed, another friend told me she was expecting (#1, which was born a couple days ago 5 weeks early). She didn't want to tell me while we were in the process. A couple of days later, my other neighbor #3 M. (we all live in the same building) told me she was expecting. It made it particularly hard because she must have conceived around the time we were doing IVF. So as her belly is growing I am always reminded of how long it has been since we had to bury our hopes - once again. Are you still with me? I am at 4 pregnant friends.
Let's talk about the office I am working in. There are usually 4 people working in that office. One lady got pregnant last September with baby #2 and left the job early in December. So they hired a new person for her spot. Another person that had one of the jobs also left in December, so they had to hire a new person for that spot as well. Both of the new people they have hired, are pregnant with their first. One has now left to have the baby. Today the third person in the office told me, she's pregnant, also with her first. You can probably guess that I am the fourth person. The un-pregnant one. If you have counted with me, we are now at 8 (!) pregnant friends/coworkers.
In the last three weeks, two male co-workers (from a different office) have shared the news that their wives are pregnant, too. All with their second baby (both first babies aren't even 18 months old yet).
Add to that another friend from Europe telling me, she's pregnant with her third (after a miscarriage last year). And we are at 11 pregnant ladies/people.
Last week, I found out from a very close friend that she's pregnant with her first or her first two. I am super happy for her, as she's been wanting it for a long time and they had to do IVF to actually get pregnant. Why is it so much easier to be happier for people that have struggled harder?
I am surrounded by 12 pregnant women. I am the un-pregnant one.
My biggest concern as we move forward with this DE cycle (I am taking Lupron and the whole vitamins already and will have to take Heparine further down the line) is: where does that leave me? For so many pregnant ladies, doesn't there have to be one infertile one that can't get pregnant no matter what? The person that is on the wrong side of statistics? Aren't I that person? Why is it so hard to trust that my body for once would be able to do what it is supposed to?
Recently while talking with dh, he said something about me possibly giving birth next year. I told him that we shouldn't base our planning on it. Because we have tried to do it in the past and it never worked. I was and am always the un-pregnant one. The one whose IVF cycles didn't work the first time. Or the second like so many of my friend's cycles. Not even the third or the fourth. I stayed the un-pregnant one.
DE will be our last hope of having a biological child (even though not genetically related). I am willing to try it once, do a FET with whatever we have left and then we are done. Then we just have to accept that it's not meant to be. And once again, I'll be the un-pregnant one in a sea of swelling bellies.
If it works, I would be thrilled. Maybe all I need are some eggs, of a 28 year old and my body remembers what it was created for. But I am so scared to even think in that possibility, because I don't want to get my hopes up...
And while I absolutely know how blessed I am to have a wonderful child which I would have never had, if we wouldn't have gone through all the struggles of infertility, I sometimes wish that God could take away the pain. The pain of never having genetically related children. The pain of having to go through so many hurdles in building our family. The fact that finances will determine the size and timing of our family. But it's in his hand. I have to trust him and let go of control. It's just so hard.
It seems like everyone around me is pregnant right now. It first started with a neighbor #1 M. She told us last summer that she was expecting baby #2 (#1 is 3 years old). In the meantime #2 was born in January. Then my former neighbor #2 A. whom I was very close to moved away and found out she is expecting #2 (number one is 21 months old).
After our IVF #4 (!) failed, another friend told me she was expecting (#1, which was born a couple days ago 5 weeks early). She didn't want to tell me while we were in the process. A couple of days later, my other neighbor #3 M. (we all live in the same building) told me she was expecting. It made it particularly hard because she must have conceived around the time we were doing IVF. So as her belly is growing I am always reminded of how long it has been since we had to bury our hopes - once again. Are you still with me? I am at 4 pregnant friends.
Let's talk about the office I am working in. There are usually 4 people working in that office. One lady got pregnant last September with baby #2 and left the job early in December. So they hired a new person for her spot. Another person that had one of the jobs also left in December, so they had to hire a new person for that spot as well. Both of the new people they have hired, are pregnant with their first. One has now left to have the baby. Today the third person in the office told me, she's pregnant, also with her first. You can probably guess that I am the fourth person. The un-pregnant one. If you have counted with me, we are now at 8 (!) pregnant friends/coworkers.
In the last three weeks, two male co-workers (from a different office) have shared the news that their wives are pregnant, too. All with their second baby (both first babies aren't even 18 months old yet).
Add to that another friend from Europe telling me, she's pregnant with her third (after a miscarriage last year). And we are at 11 pregnant ladies/people.
Last week, I found out from a very close friend that she's pregnant with her first or her first two. I am super happy for her, as she's been wanting it for a long time and they had to do IVF to actually get pregnant. Why is it so much easier to be happier for people that have struggled harder?
I am surrounded by 12 pregnant women. I am the un-pregnant one.
My biggest concern as we move forward with this DE cycle (I am taking Lupron and the whole vitamins already and will have to take Heparine further down the line) is: where does that leave me? For so many pregnant ladies, doesn't there have to be one infertile one that can't get pregnant no matter what? The person that is on the wrong side of statistics? Aren't I that person? Why is it so hard to trust that my body for once would be able to do what it is supposed to?
Recently while talking with dh, he said something about me possibly giving birth next year. I told him that we shouldn't base our planning on it. Because we have tried to do it in the past and it never worked. I was and am always the un-pregnant one. The one whose IVF cycles didn't work the first time. Or the second like so many of my friend's cycles. Not even the third or the fourth. I stayed the un-pregnant one.
DE will be our last hope of having a biological child (even though not genetically related). I am willing to try it once, do a FET with whatever we have left and then we are done. Then we just have to accept that it's not meant to be. And once again, I'll be the un-pregnant one in a sea of swelling bellies.
If it works, I would be thrilled. Maybe all I need are some eggs, of a 28 year old and my body remembers what it was created for. But I am so scared to even think in that possibility, because I don't want to get my hopes up...
And while I absolutely know how blessed I am to have a wonderful child which I would have never had, if we wouldn't have gone through all the struggles of infertility, I sometimes wish that God could take away the pain. The pain of never having genetically related children. The pain of having to go through so many hurdles in building our family. The fact that finances will determine the size and timing of our family. But it's in his hand. I have to trust him and let go of control. It's just so hard.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Happy Adoption day!
Two years ago today, we became a forever family. Time to hug and kiss my little princess a little more. She has been the best present we have ever received in our lives. She has given me the chance to be a mother and I am forever grateful to her and her birthmother. L. is so sweet. She is very loving and caring and loves to entertain everybody by singing. She is such a big girl now, already 2,5 years old. This week she went to the daycare without diapers for the first time. The first day she didn't have any accidents, but she didn't go to the potty either. The second day, she peed - on the floor, twice. We'll see how today goes. She has started ballet classes this week. She really seems to like it and comes out happily smiling.
At the last doctor's visit determined that my eggs are old and crappy quality. So we are moving on to donor eggs next. I have another appointment with the immunologist next month and then we are ready to go.
I have to take it slow today. Doctor Google has landed me in the emergency room yesterday. I wrote before here that my cycles are so short and I was trying to find a natural remedy to regulate them. I purchased Dong Quai and took it for a couple of days. It caused a bad amount of nose bleeding that didn't seem to want to stop any more. So I had to go to the emergency room yesterday. Fortunately, today it has only bled once so far. Learning experience for this episode: Don't use Dr. Google to self-medicate!
At the last doctor's visit determined that my eggs are old and crappy quality. So we are moving on to donor eggs next. I have another appointment with the immunologist next month and then we are ready to go.
I have to take it slow today. Doctor Google has landed me in the emergency room yesterday. I wrote before here that my cycles are so short and I was trying to find a natural remedy to regulate them. I purchased Dong Quai and took it for a couple of days. It caused a bad amount of nose bleeding that didn't seem to want to stop any more. So I had to go to the emergency room yesterday. Fortunately, today it has only bled once so far. Learning experience for this episode: Don't use Dr. Google to self-medicate!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
BFN
That was to expect after all the drama with this cycle. At least it's a clear result.
It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.
Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.
Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.
It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.
Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.
Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sick as a dog
I am sick as a dog. Lilli has passed me her cold which has turned into sinusitis for me. I went in for an other bloodtest yesterday. I was supposed to go today, but I wanted to see what was happening.
Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)
The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.
Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)
The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I really didn't wan to be back at this place!
This morning I received yesterday's blood results for progesterone and estradiol. They both completely feel from Saturday. Now I am completely freaked out. I really didn't want to visit this place again where I am obsessing about everything. Dr. Google hasn't been very helpful either. I was trying to be all Zen about this cycle, knowing that we would be o.k. in the end. Now I feel like the end is here already...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
1 more week
I contacted the doctor yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't feel anything. She said that this was normal and to not worry. I am trying not to. Sometimes I think of a plan B. What if this doesn't work? With our history, there is quite a likely chance it won't work. Implantation is not something that can be controlled. Should we try again with donor eggs? Save the money for another adoption?
Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...
I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.
Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...
I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.
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