angel baby’s baby angel

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so my angel is a really proud dad… Archie arrived safe and sound a couple of weeks early…

maybe i’m a really bad person but watching him holding his son for the first time kinda hurt… just for a minute yanno…

not quite envy… but… maybe a little… i missed that with mine… looking at him looking at me… so… for a minute yeah i was sad and angry and all the old grief bubbled up…

but… when i got to hold him… my angel’s baby… it washed away again… not sure if i feel paternal… he’s not mine… but i sure as shit like him…

what if…?

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Aug 28, ’12

my grandmother is dying… she’s 89… not such a huge shock… but inside this 41 year old body is a kid still clinging to a woman he fucking adores…

she saved my life… i mean seriously and literally saved my life…

gave me a home when i was homeless… gave me trust when i didn’t deserve it… gave me love when i couldn’t accept it…

when i was 34 and she was 82… she sat with me while i did a home detox… for fucking days she sat with me… fed me soup drop by drop… cleaned up my puke… wiped my ass and most of all held onto me when all i wanted was to die…

this woman… tiny crazy jewish… shoulda been out playing bingo or poker… or whatever… but she stayed with me and stopped me from dying…

and now… she’s dying… and i have to say goodbye… i hate goodbyes and yes there’s an irony that i know most will miss but some will see…

i know she wants me to say goodbye… i know she wants me to let her go… be with her G-d… enjoy whatever she has planned for the afterlife…

if i don’t say goodbye… can i stop her from leaving me?

no back up plan

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Aug 21, ’12
poking through my desk… found this
no plan0001

when you look at me
what do you see?
this is who i am
this is who I be
just a man.
no hidden agenda,
no back up plan.

do you see my dreams
crushed to dust?
do you see my hopes
burning on a pyre?
do you see me?
do you see what just is?
do you see who i am?

a man with no back up plan.

not a rant… not a whine… sorta bits of both… and neither… (sad mouse face)

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Aug 16, ’12
with ‘ply about to evict us all… and feeling like a fucking refugee again… im sad…

 
and its not just that… its connections im losing… friendships that meant so much looking like maybe they weren’t real….
 
ok… let me try to explain my maudlin ass… as much as it seems like i share everything… maybe even over share… im actually kinda closed off too… and i have a really hard time disengaging… yeah yeah… psycho babble… but its truth…
 
if i love you… i love you… end of story… i don’t just stop loving people cuz its time to move on… and when they move on bits of me go with them… so… i kinda try to keep them close to me… i hate feeling like im in pieces…
 
one friendship i know im losing… lost already… its been a while since there was much connection… but this is one that really hurts… maybe cuz i thought this one actually saw me… knew me… maybe its the one i needed to have stand up and say… “yanno what you’re an annoying bastard and you drive me nuts but… i don’t even wanna think how fucked up it feels not to have you as my friend…”
 
its weird yanno… it kinda plays into the shit i hear in my head all the time… feeds the doubts.. makes me think maybe im not even worth the fight… 
 
its not like i don’t have friends who have been beside me forever… its not like i don’t have friends who will fight for me… i do… i have some really good friends who i know will stand alongside me no matter what…
 
but this one… i dunno… its bothering the fuck outta me… had been for a while.. but with the forced exodus from ‘ply i guess i just feel it harder cuz of all the other connections im losing…
 
anyway… enough of the pity party… i have a masterclass intensive to finish up preparing…

brave…

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Jul 14, ’12
ok… yesterday blond one was at work and Princess Busy Bee wants to go to the movies… falls to the father with the attention span of… uhm… a mouse to take her…


https://i0.wp.com/collider.com/wp-content/uploads/brave-wallpaper-merida.jpg

 
she likes princess movies so Brave is the obvious choice…
 
the Gypsy Girl asks if she can tag along… now here’s the thing… she knows i’m mad as all fuck with her but… i’m a soft touch where my kids are concerned so… (shrugs)
 
we get there with a little time to spare… drinks and munchies organised… good seats up the back middle of the row… muzak is playing… cinema still pretty empty… Princess BB looks at Gypsy and they nod and head down the front to the space between the seats and the screen… and they dance together… Gypsy Girl didn’t have her hair tied back so she’s this mad whirl of curls… Princess sometimes watches her sister dancing and copies her sometimes… its cute yanno…
 
in case i didn’t mention before sometime… GG has hair to her waist… mad curly dark hair… hence the name… PBB has long blond hair…
 
pre-movie trailers start… sisters take a bow to a pretty decent applause and come back to me…
 
movie starts… its all about a princess… with mad hair… who wants to control her own destiny… takes matters into her own hands and kinda creates a huge drama for one of her parents… sounding at all familiar? at least GG didn’t have me turned into a freaking bear as a by-product of self-determination…
 
so yeah… point of this blog… shit i dunno… i’m still a dad dealing with a seriously strong willed teenage daughter… but maybe today not so pissed at her…

parenting… (sighs)

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Jul 11, ’12
my daughter is home all of like… 5 mins and already we’re toe to toe about something i think is a big deal and she thinks is me over reacting…

 
and when we get done shouting at each other and she swans off to her room and slams the door… and i beat a retreat to my shed… maybe slamming a door along the way and the angelic one follows me out there with this look on his pretty face… so… I’m like… what’s the look about boychik?
 
he says… you do know who she’s like don’t you?
 
oh joy… I’m raising a female version of myself and i just know how this argument is gonna go… i already know who the blond is siding with… and it sure as shit isn’t me…
 
so the fight… well it was about a letter that came for her while she was away… seems my little girl is planning on following her own path… which i don’t have a problem with just… sometimes you gotta do certain things first… before you do your own thing…
 
now i sound like my father (sighs)… except he’s on her side too… fucking typical!
 

whine & cheese…

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Jun 25, ’12
before anyone gets whiny at me for posting this… my page… my rules…
its not really about any one person… or situation… just kinda over a whole lot of things all at the same time…
Photobucket

its like this… im a fully paid up totally unashamed attention whore… but…manipulative bullshit so bores me… laying guilt on with a trowel bores me… 

 
i guess this blog started for me a little while back when someone who hardly ever visits ‘ply… bitched about how no one gave birthday wishes… uhm yeah well if you bothered to sign the fuck in once in a while and visit me… i’d remember who you are and say happy birthday…
 
then i see kinda snide little comments… people thanking others for giving them support etc… even the ones who don’t say anything…
 
wtf?
 
and whats with this wave of people whining about others not commenting… or bitching because some people just don’t do the whole guest book thing… maybe some of us are too fucking busy to do much more than read… post the occasional comment… if its relevant…
 
see… if i post something… and i see your avi pop up… i know you were there… i don’t need you to say anything if you don’t have something to say… i don’t want you to say anything that’s not totally real… my ego is healthy enough to understand that your presence is implied interest in me…
 
if i hit your page… i’ve read something… and even if i don’t leave a reassuring validation to your sense of self worth… im interested…
 
if you post something and i don’t visit it… maybe i ran out of time… or maybe the title didn’t grab me… but if you feel neglected… poke me… tell me… don’t play passive aggressive games with me cuz trust me i have no time for precious shit like that…
 
and maybe… if you want me to give a fuck about you… maybe you could take the time to pm me… ask me if im ok… have a chat with me…  don’t wait for me to come to you… and then get pissy with me when i don’t…
 
i come here to read… to play… to chat… to interact… to write…
 
i don’t come here to nursemaid anyone’s ego… if that’s what you want from me… then now is a good time to find the nearest exit…
 

illumination…

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Jun 21, ’12

 https://i0.wp.com/24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0lojxGlwU1r9vqv0o1_500.gif

Its not big… you probably don’t even notice it
Not sure you really need to…
Its mine… only one who needs to know its there…
Is me…
And I know its there…
Tiny as it might seem to you…
I get it… I trust it…
So… for you… it might be like…
I dunno… a freaking lighthouse beacon…
Mine… well mine doesn’t need to be that big…
Because I get it…
And I follow it…
Mine… as small as a candle in a jar….
Its all I need…
What is it?  Oh… dude… its hope…
See… I hold it up in front and I can walk through any darkness…
My darkness most of all…
My hope… small as it seems to you…
Gets me through…