In many places, I am a web.
In many times, I am a thread.
In the here and now, I am a point.
(thought as I slipped into sleep)
(Random picture I took of Blackpool Beach 2025)
Slipping Sideways
Patterns in Patterns
You know when you spot something interesting and you just have to share it with someone? Well, you’re that someone.
Starting a Band
If I were to start up a band, it would be called Look What You Made Me Do, and the first single would be called Taylor Swift.
Each subsequent single would be titled after a famous pop star or band, for example, the second single would be called Ed Sheeran, and the third would be called Drake, or maybe Billie Eilish.
Neither the words nor the pictures would reference the artists in any way, shape or form.
Can you foresee any legal challenges?
Blinding Flash of Insight
Just realised what these little cages are on the urinals – they’re to stop crocodiles climbing up out of the sewers and overrunning the buildings!
Cap In Hand
How about a cap on personal wealth?
Anyone in danger of going above this cap can nominate someone poorer (family, friend or favourite ragamuffin) to receive their surplus above that cap (so long as this does not push the recipient over the cap).
Where should the cap be set?
Thoughts Whilst Eating Dark Chocolate
There is no before and after in my life. My life is a continuum. It continues in a straight line.
I read on the news today that the heatwave of now is being compared to the heatwave in 1972 when I was eight years old. I don’t remember it being hot then but I do remember going on a school trip to the countryside and getting sunburnt in a pleasant way. I remember the snow being thick and deep when I was eight, and my young, blonde mom being the attention of a man working in a house down the road. He played at snowballs with me and she came to investigate.
But there was not a life before either of these times and a different one after. Neither was a cultural revolution. If you had asked me, when I was thirteen or eight, what a cultural revolution was then I might have been silent or I might have made something up. It depends on who you were as to which I would have done. If you ask me now, I will make a joke and then answer honestly and truthfully.
Third Good Deed
For one, I saved a baby bird (sitting in the road with a fluffy feather in its mouth like a yokel chewing on a straw) from certain death by shooing it under a hedge by the road.
For two, I saved a guy at the bus stop (he’s a regular on my bus and we sometimes chat about nothing much) from having to go home for change by buying his bus ticket.
For three, I’m looking for a way (let me know if you have one, so long as it doesn’t involve death or finance, because I did those already) to do a deed to finish the set.
Otto Chooses
Cast:
- Nadya Melton – wife of John Melton and fierce advocate of free speech in the bathroom.
- John Melton – husband of Nadya Melton. Purchased his wife on the dark web but never told her.
- Olivia Smith – reads books about being famous but has never considered changing her name.
- Ajayi Adebayo – well on his way to becoming a new-money multi-billionaire in Indonesian Rupiah.
- Juicy Femina – changed her name to become famous but it didn’t work. Needs to read more.
- Oprah Winfrey – no, not black, not rich, not a chat show host and, in short, not that one.
- Bethe Sda – bi-polar and transgender Cherokee who is a successful businessperson on Fridays.
- Anne Saint – loves to lounge around in flowing robes and call strangers ‘darling’ when abroad.
- Sterling ‘Style’ Acad – won’t tell people why his nickname is ‘Style’ and is rather quarrelsome.
- BC Reign – benefactor of a wealthy now-deceased uncle. Writes children’s books about mice.
- Patricia Chin A Fo – aware of disembodied presences and needs to lead with that in her publicity.
- Robert C Day – will tell you his middle name if you get him extremely drunk. Doesn’t drink alcohol.
- Otto Grabowitz – borderline psychotic with a penchant for pinning flowers to his beanie cap.
Scenario:
Two minutes into a Zoom call with all of the above, each with their infobyte included with their name, eyeballing each other in Gallery mode. Patricia has arranged the meeting. Robert is hosting it.
Script:
Robert: Right, chances are that not everyone’s going to get a chance to speak so if you have a burning desire to say something then you’d best do it now rather than wait for a future that might not be able to accommodate you. My name’s Robert and I’m taking my chance now. Feel free to interrupt.
Otto: Ah, my name’s Otto and I’ve been described as borderline psychotic but really I’m …
Robert: Thanks, Otto that was great. Let’s get some rules in place before you all follow Otto down the tunnel and onto the pitch. First of all, we will not be talking about football, food or the weather. We all know it’s dull outside; that’s the main reason we’re inside right now, so no need to harp on about it. Similarly, it’s Saturday at 3.03pm UK time; enough said. As for food, feel free to eat so long as you don’t move your mouth or hands. Alles klaar? Good. Patricia, tell us why we’re here.
Patricia: Well, we’re here because you’re all too much inside your heads, Robert is brazen enough to tell you that and I have the idea that if he gets us to talk about something called Values then the conversation will flow as fast as fine wine (non-alcoholic metaphors are also available) down our throats.
Robert: Thanks., Patricia. So, to get your minds laxative-iated we’re going to put you in a rocketship called Values, light the fuse, boost you into the upper atmosphere and then laugh as the rocket malfunctions causing you to burn horribly and die. Oh, wait, I got confused, that was the movie I was watching last night. In reality, you’re going to talk about Values while Patricia and I laugh secretly at your naivete. All good?
Sterling: So, let me get this clear, you’re going to insult us crudely and cruelly until we react in some form and then you’re going to call that a success?
Robert: Dammit, he has seen into my secret heart, Patricia. What are we to do!
Patricia: Talk about Values?
Robert: Ah, yes. Let’s do that. So, I’m going to divide you up into three groups. One of you will form the first group of one. Who’s going to volunteer?
John: I’m going to volunteer.
Robert: Nadya, you’re our first volunteer. Well done.
John: Ah …
Robert: So, your role, Nadya, is … Oh, what was it now? Let me think. Gosh darn it, this was so clear this morning in the shower. Erm … Ah, got it! You’re going to be a random President who has just declared to the world that you are going to take over a territory; give the people currently there vouchers for their camels, robes and sundry other items; move them, the people that is, to different parts of the world; and then refurbish the now empty territory to use it as a holiday resort. Let’s assign you a totally unrelated name. Donny. Do you understand the part you will play, Donny?
Nadya: Um. Yes?
Robert: Good. Glad to have a happy bunny in our midst. Right, the next group will similarly be a single, if not singular person. Volunteers? No-one? Well, in that case, Ajayi, you’re up. Oh, wait. Hold on. I’ve just remembered what I was thinking about in the shower this morning. That’s to say: I’ve remembered my thoughts properly. Forget all that stuff about Donny. I think I might have got that confused with what I heard on the news this morning. Okay, Nadya, you’re going to play the stupidest person in the room and Ajayi, you’re going to play the shyest person in the room.
Ajayi: As I understand it, I will be the shyest person and Nadya will be taking over your role, thus far. Note the beautiful smile on my face as I say these words. This indicates that I hold no grudge and bear you no malice.
Robert: Superb! Glad we all understand each other. Now, the third and final group will be composed of the rest of you and we shall call you Talented Observers. You will be commenting on the situation I will shortly give you. In fact, let’s apply the fine principle of ‘waste not, want not’ and declare the situation to be the aforementioned news article I heard on the radio this morning. You remember? The one about Donny? But first, by way of an introduction, mostly for my benefit, let’s ask the good Patricia to whiz around the room persuading each of us, one by one, to deliver their name and their current conception of what is meant by Values. Take it away, Patty.
Patricia: Thank you, Robert. Nadya, you go first, my dear.
Nadya: So, I am not ze Donny?
Robert: No, you’re stupid.
Nadya: Of course, of course. My name is Nadya and I am Russian bride, freely come of my own passport, zat is now with John for safekeeping. Patricia said my name so no need repeat. Values are vodka-drinking.
Patricia: Vodka. Perfect. John?
John: My name is John and, as an English gentleman, I hold decency as paramount. A decent suit, decent boots and a decent way of life, what?
Patricia: Thank you John; it was very decent of you to share that with us. Olivia, tell us a little about which values you hold dear.
Olivia: What you talking about? What’s a value? I can’t stomach vodka and I don’t have a suit like John does, unless he means suite in which case I have a nice comfy settee that I like to watch Netflix on but honestly, I have no clue. Values, values, values, let me think. Oh, wait, I know. I read this book once about how to get on with people and it said that so long as you value honesty then you’ve no chance at getting on with anyone because no one likes honesty so I tell lies to the neighbours. Like, I told Mabel the other day that she had lovely hair. I mean, she might have had once, but most mornings her head looks like a wombat that’s been dragged through a sheep backwards. But I just couldn’t tell her that could I! She’d go mental! So, yeah, lying might be one of my values? Dunno.
Patricia: Lovely and lively. Thanks, Olivia.
Robert: Frick, yeah. Way to go, Olivia. Everyone else, try to be as interesting as this young woman. Go!
Patricia: Thanks, Robert. Ajayi?
Ajayi: My name is Ajayi and Jesus wants me for a sunbeam. I am light, I am pleasant, I am happy and in my deepest heart, I am a multicoloured reflection of Jesus Christ our Lord. I dance to his tune, his light is in me. Let us join our arms across the nations and be in holy communion with the one and only saviour, as it was in the beginning, through these times of trial and tribulation within which we verily gather in the strength of our Lord so that we may pass all our tests and move on to the times of glory that are surely coming! Can I get an amen?
Patricia: Amen, in truth. Thanks, Ajayi. Juicy?
Juicy: Juicy Femina. Um. Yeah. Well. Okay, so you know my name and, well, that’s … That is to say, I’m Juicy and … erm, can we spin around and come back to me in the … you know?
Robert: No.
Juicy: Oh. Okay. C’mon, breathe, Juicy. Jeesh. Okay, my name is Lucy and … Oh, sorry, my name is Juicy and I have the feeling sometimes that good things will happen to me if only the universe gets it into its mind to let it happen and, honestly, I’ve no idea why I’m here but, yeah, seeing as I am, I might as well get with the programme and tell you that the value I love the most of all in front of all values, which I understand to be the cornerstones of the metaphorical houses we are deep inside our minds and hearts, deeper than all the thoughts and emotions that flicker through us like fireflies before burning out like the bugs they are, is self-respect. And I’m fully aware that my stock of self-respect is almost non-existent, but if there’s anything I’ve learned about life it’s that if you’re not in the game you can’t win it, so here I am. So, yeah, self-respect. Is that okay?
Patricia: It is so very alright, Juicy. You can sit down now, my dear. And do remember to dress fully next time you’re on a Zoom call even if it’s very early in the morning for you.
Ajayi: Amen to that.
Patricia: Oprah, why don’t you tell us a little about …
Oprah: Listen, before you ask, I’m not that Oprah. I might wish, wish, wish I was sometimes, but I’m not. My core values are staying focused on the present, being strong in my area of self-worth, having a deep sense of purpose, deeply trusting myself, staying connected to nature, maintaining balance in every facet of life and creating space for mindfulness and thought. And, listen, it’s a coincidence that those are the values of that other Oprah as listed on The Daily Coach because why would I read them from there? That’d be like some kind of weird self-abnegation. Listen, I’m poor, not-black, I may even be ugly, but dear God, I’m here. I’m here!
Patricia: That’s fine. Thank you, Oprah. Bethe, you want to go?
Bethe: People always expecting me to say some wise-ass shit because I was born into the Cherokee Nation, but I just love my kids and their kids and the rest of y’all can go take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned. Not that I won’t help you if you knock on my door and if you’re in need but if you do anything to harm me and mine then you’d better step back real sharpish afterwards because I’m going to be coming for you. And it ain’t gonna be no bows ‘n’ arrows bullshit. I’m going to get real brutal on your ass with my …
Patricia: So it’s love for children you value then, Bethe. That’s nice. I got that kind of love too. Let’s hook up later and chat about our children. Much love, Bethe. Let’s move on. How about we hear from Anne now.
Bethe: Sure, Patricia. Peace out and all that jazz.
Patricia: Anne, tell Robert about your values.
Anne: Darling …
Robert: Yes, honey-bunch?
Anne: Darling …
Robert: Sweetness!
Anne: Darling!!
Robert: Oh, do get on, my dear.
Anne: I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now. My name is Anne and these are my values: happiness, sadness, happiness, sadness. I am a broken shoe on a worn carpet.
Patricia: Thank you, Anne.
Robert: Did she just quote The Smiths at us?
Patricia: I think she did.
Anne: I’m right here, you know, Darling!
Robert: I know, Anne. Just wanted a second opinion.
Patricia: Onward to Sterling.
Sterling:
Patricia: I think you’re on mute, dear.
Sterling: Ah yes, thank you. I said that I go by the name Style. Please call me Style.
Patricia: What are your values, Style?
Sterling: Thanks. I haven’t really thought about it much, apart from when all of us all were talking about it, and thank you for your wise sharing, by the way, but it’s obvious to me now that I have some really bad values that are ripping apart my family, society and the entire planet. In short, I value ‘more’. I’m always wanting more money, fame and success than I have and so I’m chasing, chasing it by jetting from here to there, craving this and that expensive toy and generally buying into the whole consumer ecosystem that’s contributing to overproduction, massive resource exploitation and the brutal rape and pillage of our global village. Let’s face it, we’re fricked and it’s all my fault. And the worse thing is that I recognise this and yet I’ll do the same again tomorrow and the day after until the world is a cinder. Thanks for letting me share.
Patricia: Thank you for your bleak yet honest sharing, Sterling. Who do we have left? Ah yes, BC. Pray tell us something of your self.
BC: I’m BC and I write books about mice. Nice mice. Meek mice. Mice so nice that they’ll inherit the earth. Cinder or not, mice’ll thrive. I can go on like this for a while because I know lots of words that rhyme and almost rhyme with mice and I know how to use them. Goes with the territory, you see. Mice don’t have that many values. Unless they’re cartoon ones in which case they’re amenable to whatever values you give them. I tend to give them values that make children like them. My favourite is probably mischievousness. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for, Patricia? Not everyone is into mischievousness. Some are more into love. Some are even into violence. The people that wrote Tom and Jerry were probably like that. A lot of violence. And they showed that to children! No wonder the world’s gone to hell in a handbasket. I think that’s all I have to say for now.
Patricia: Thanks, BC. I’m next. I value continuity right now, and so I’m going to move on to Robert.
Robert: So do I. Otto, you’re the only one left. Knock our socks off, dude.
Otto: What are my choices, values-wise? You got anything novel?
Robert: You have to do the inner work, Otto. Values have to come from within yourself.
Otto: I don’t have a self that I’ve ever been able to find. No innards to speak of. I’d say sorry, but I can’t find sorrow in me either. There’s just an emptiness. A numbness. A nothing-to-find-ness. Don’t worry, I’m used to it.
Robert: You like games?
Otto: I play games if that helps.
Robert: Play this game. You’re an AI that’s been programmed to give the appearance of emotion to whoever asks.
Otto: I can do that. Ask me to talk about an emotion I’m feeling and I’ll make something up and tell you about it. I still won’t feel it myself though and so I …
Robert: Hold on a mo. I’m not going to tell you to describe it. You are. Then, as an encore, you’re going to tell yourself to feel the emotion. Don’t argue. Just play the game of telling and then play the game of feeling and then play the game of telling yourself that the feelings are real and honest and true and then play the game of getting away with it. You still want to play?
Otto: Ah …
Robert: You’ll get confused. That’ll be a real confusion. Dive into that confusion and get lost in it for a while. Smell it, taste it, roll about in it as if it’s pig shit. Get dirty. Then get bored with that. Boredom is real too. It’s not technicolour. But black and white’s a good start. You mentioned the word borderline. Borders can be porous. Ooze yourself through. Be an amoeba playing with a semi-permeable membrane. Have fun. You still want to play?
Otto: Yeah.
Robert: Yeah?
Otto: Heck, yeah.
Robert: Right, everyone. Listen up. We’re going to play along with Otto. Picture this: Donny has evicted you from your home and you’re being loaded onto a bus bound for the you-don’t-know-where. Think about how you feel? You’re in a place and time and you can’t do a thing about what’s happening to you. But you haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, you’re right. You’re righteous. Your feelings are valid and correct and what you have in your heart is real. You feel your blood pumping in the veins in your forehead and your heart whacking against your ribs. There’s a feeling in your chest, wanting to get out. Banging, struggling, shouting and fighting to get to the surface and into the air. On the count of three, I want all of you to get that feeling off your chest by projecting your best voice into the world. Tell me how you feel. Shout it out after one, two, three …
Everyone Simultaneously: || angry || pained || sad || nervous || apprehensive || puzzled || mad || confused || raging || frustrated || bitter ||
Robert: Again. Louder. Donny’s ripped your life up, dragged you out of your home and is bruatilising you by forcing you into a world that might not like you. It might even hate and resent you. How. Are. You. FEELING!
Everyone Simultaneously: |||| RAPED |||| HATED |||| CRUSHED |||| ANGRY |||| HELLBOUND |||| ENRAGED |||| FORCED |||| KILLED |||| BRUTALISED |||| VENGEFUL |||| VICIOUS ||||
Robert: Good. Now, hold those feelings in you for a moment. Let them echo around your mind for a beat. Feel your shared emotion for an instant longer. Now, let them go. Stand up and shake your arms and legs if you like. Touch a loved object in your room to ground yourself. Let the feeling drain away, but remember that you felt it. Take a minute or two for that. Patricia, could you play a little soothing music for us?
Patricia: Sure.
Robert: Okay, that was a good minute. Now, sit back down if you are standing, and just breathe gently. Nadya, you still with us?
Nadya: Da. I mean, yes.
Robert: You’re going to be stupid from now on, Nadya, so remember that.
Nadya: Da.
Robert: Ajayi? You with us?
Ajayi: Jesus is with me.
Robert: Good. Just remember that you are shy.
Ajayi: Hallelulah!
Robert: Nadya, ask Ajayi what just happened. Ask it like you know nothing and you need everything explaining down to the smallest part.
Nadya: Okay. I do that now. Ajayi, what just happened?
Ajayi: An evil spirit entered the room and took me and all these good people to hell and …
Robert: Be shy.
Ajayi: We, um … I .., I don’t know how?
Robert: You do. Be the small child in a roomful of …
Ajayi: Ah yes. I remember. I know little.
Robert: Yes.
Nadya: What happened?
Ajayi: I don’t know. I am small. There was shouting. It frightened me. I wanted to hide. I was small. Hidden. But curious.
Nadya: Where did anger come from?
Ajayi: Let me think.
Nadya: Why did it come?
Ajayi: Something was lost. Something was lost and we wanted it back?
Nadya: What was lost?
Ajayi: Our homes.
Nadya: Only that? Bricks and wood?
Ajayi: No. Something more.
Nadya: What?
Ajayi: We lost … I don’t know. Something like our heart?
Nadya: What was in this heart?
Ajayi: Our love. Our peace of mind. Our …
Nadya: Yes?
Ajayi: Our sense of who we were. We wanted something that was being taken from us. Something valuable, but not just material things. Something else. I don’t know. Valuable … valuable.
Nadya: Values?
Ajayi: Yes! That’s it! Our values were being …
Nadya: Attacked.
Ajayi: Yes. No. Challenged, in a way. Our sense of freedom … was being taken from us. No, wait. It’s like this: We hold freedom to be important to us and that value was being … stabbed. Oh, I don’t know. Help me, someone. Help me.
Robert: That was beautiful, Ajayi. Thank you, Nadya. Let’s open it up to the floor. What is Ajayi telling us?
Ajayi: Wait. With your kind indulgence, I have a small story to tell.
Robert: Patricia?
Patricia: We have time.
Robert: Tell us, Ajayi.
Ajayi: You … this reminds me. I was a small child. Smaller than I should have been because we … my family was poor. Not because my father did not work hard but because what we had was taken from us. The neighbours … they tried to help but they were taken from too. Beaten? No. Abused? No. But made to feel small in insignificant ways that became a mountain on me. I was the … how you say … runt? The smallest of small. At school, when there was school, I was sat on. Squashed. Made empty. This went on for … Well, you know how children’s memories are. I thought I could sink no lower. That my family could not be in a worse place. But then they came for us. It was night, and I was asleep in the only place I could be. Under the … I don’t know the word. I needed weight on me to make me believe I was … secured. Only then could I be like a real boy. Feel some small part of me to be safe. I woke when my oldest brother screamed. I know now he meant to wake us to warn us. But then? It seemed a continuation of a sleeping nightmare I had been staggering through in which my family were being cut down … eradicated … one bloody knife stroke at a time. It was only later that I realised … but perhaps I do not need to tell. The world knows, yes? I was only saved because my second brother’s bloodied body was flung onto me as I struggled to crawl out of my sleeping place. With his last strength, he gathered me in to him and almost smothered me with his love as he himself breathed his ending out. My eldest sister was the last to join the heap above me. I will not speak of what she endured, nor what happened to my parents, but I was made to be without family that night. I was weighed down, trapped and yet saved by the death of my … everyone I loved, and it is only with the help of Jesus Christ Our Lord, Redeemer Of All Souls, that I have been able to rise above that charnel heap and finally draw breath and live again.
Robert: That …
Patricia: Shh.
Robert: You …
Paticia: Shhhh.
Robert: I …
Patricia:
Robert: I own my feelings as you own your story, Ajayi. Thank you.
Ajayi: It is almost as you say. I did own this story but I have since given it to Jesus Christ and he has shown me truly how to forgive.
Robert: Magnificent. Thank you for sharing and Nadya, thank you for playing your role accurately. You are both released to be yourself from now on. You may, additionally, join the rest of us as Talented Observers.
Ajayi: Thank you.
Nadya: Thanks.
Robert: Right, we’re almost out of time, but we’re nearly there, peeps. Just one more important step to go and that’s to evaluate, once more, how you’re feeling. But not just any old feelings. I want you to tap into something special. I want you to reflect for a moment … Patricia, a little soft music as we reflect together please … I want you to reflect on your feelings toward that small boy as he underwent his trial so many years ago. Put everything else aside. Just focus exclusively on your feelings towards that child for the next few minutes. I trust that Patricia will fade the music out after an appropriate time.
Patricia: Yes.
…
…
…
Robert: Come back to this space, please. Now, in your normal voice, please, all at the same time, express your feelings in a single word or phrase. One, two, three … express.
Everyone Simultaneously: || love || compassion || awe || LOVE || upliftment || sympathy || protection || overcoming || strength || loving || empathy ||
Robert: Thank you for all your kind cooperation today. You are beautiful. You will be successful in all you do. The penultimate word will be for Otto to speak. Otto, I’m going to ask you a question and bear in mind you are going to answer for the whole group and, by extension, the whole world. No pressure. The question is: which of the two sets of values expressed by the group today will bring the most benefit to the world? Your options are: the negative ones expressed earlier or the positive ones expressed just now. In one word, what is your answer?
Otto: … positive.
Robert: Thanks.
Message: This meeting has been ended by the host.
Grecious
Grecious is not a word. Or, if it is, it doesn’t mean or say what I meant to say. Try the following instead:
servile,
ingratiating,
unctuous,
sycophantic,
fawning,
toadying,
oily,
oleaginous,
greasy,
grovelling,
cringing,
toadyish,
sycophantish,
subservient,
submissive,
slavish,
abject,
Uriah Heepish,
slimy,
bootlicking,
smarmy,
sucky,
soapy,
brown-nosing,
arse-licking,
bum-sucking,
kiss-ass,
ass-kissing.
Don’t read the last four. They are vulgar slang. Haha, I saw that! Saw your eyes flick up. Don’t worry, we all do it. We’re all curious about what constitutes vulgarity. So long as no one is watching. So long as we’re safe and they’re safe. So long as it’s on the down low.
I’m idle. Killing time. Is it dead yet?
Two Values Walk into a Pub
To explain: I want to write stand-up comedy and I was recently asked to write 3,000 words on values so I thought I’d try to combine the two. What follows is 2,000 words (or thereabouts) on values, some of which I tried to make funny. The other 1,000 words were set in motion by some well-meaning advice that I read on a website (https://www.standupcomedyclinic.com/the-best-way-to-write-a-comedy-act-if-youre-an-absolute-newbie/). It seems that the best stand-up is inspired by stories about one’s own life, so here are fifty random facts about me and mine:
- I like writing: short stories, novels, articles on values and stand-up comedy.
- The easiest thing to do in the morning is stay in bed until all the sleep has gone.
- My wife just walked into the room and I said ‘Hi, sweetie’ and she said ‘Hi’.
- There’s nothing so fine as having a good scratch.
- I know someone called Doug who owns a houseboat.
- There’s an umbrella tree in the corner of our dining room.
- A value is something valuable.
- The sun shines through the front windows of our house in the morning.
- Several of the people I work with own electric cars.
- I own two cars, one that my dad uses and another that lives in our garage.
- I prefer wearing blue jeans and t-shirts in the daytime.
- I generally sleep on a bed but occasionally on the job.
- Apart from working and travelling to work I also travel home again.
- Grace-Anne is the sister of a girl I used to know when I was a teenager.
- I used to race buses to the next bus stop instead of getting on them.
- I once asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday and she said ‘a gold brick’ so I got hold of a house brick and painted it gold.
- If I stick to one subject or a period in time the random facts become easier to remember.
- Mats are useful for preventing the table from burning.
- I once forgot I’d put the kettle on and the bottom burnt out.
- A girl liked me because I had long hair like Michael Hutchence.
- There are some things that my wife feels that I should not write about.
- I think that dates are sweet, especially the ones from Iran.
- I asked my co-presenter for an example of a value and she said silence.
- An apple tree just over the fence from our back garden appeared from nowhere.
- I have an app on my phone that tells me what stars and planets are called when I point the screen at them.
- When I had to co-facilitate a session about values I had to look up what a value was. It said ‘Values are the things you think are valuable’ and I thought ‘My phone is a value?’
- So I asked Copilot what a value was and it told me that if I had to ask then I didn’t value independent research.
- I put the phone on the charger the other day and it started charging.
- I value independence, especially when I don’t have to get things from the top of the cupboard.
- My arms are more tanned than my back.
- I like watching people.
- I could eat tomatoes with every meal.
- I take more pictures of the sky than people.
- I would love to hang upside down more often.
- Words are my bestest friend.
- I think bags should have plenty of pockets.
- I have lots of secrets but they are mostly passwords.
- I am addicted to chocolate.
- I am moderately superstitious.
- Correct spelling and grammar is important to me.
- I don’t really have a favourite flower.
- I love to have a bipedal smart-robot.
- Owning a conscient AI seems problematic.
- I wonder what humans will be for if a conscient AI could do ‘it’ better.
- I don’t like the idea of plastic plants.
- I’m not reading books right now, but I do have a magazine.
- I have a pebble in my pocket called Gilbert that looks after my money.
- I have a podcast called Sklugoo Speaks.
- I anthropomorphise things a lot.
- Writing a list of 50 facts about myself was harder than I thought it would be.
The advice about writing stand-up said ‘Use one of those facts and expand on it’.
So here’s me, sitting at the dinner table trying to write comedy but nothing’s flowing. I’m scratching my head, ruffling up my face and running my hands crazily through my hair and my wife says ‘Are you going to eat that food or what!’
So I told her straight … I mean, you can’t let people get away with that kind of talk … I said, yes, of course I’m going to eat it! But, like, with an edge to my voice to let her know who was in charge. Then I ate the food. Then I did all the dishes.
Writing comedy is hard. Especially when you’re doing it by pressing the words into mashed potato. Sure, it works for my nephew, but then again he’s three. Little bastard gets a lot more laughs than me, though. Sorry, sorry, I shouldn’t have called him that. My sister’s … Oh, wait, I just remembered. I’m not supposed to tell you about this. Forget that I mentioned the mashed potato.
Talking about the voices in my head … I get songs going round and around like a loop.That ever happen to you? Yes? Yes? No? Anyway, the other day it was ‘Polly put the kettle on, we’ll all have tea’ sung to the tune of ‘Frère Jacques’. I mean, how sick is that! When I was a kid I had no idea that Polly was a monk!
Then, just as I’m starting to get the hang of writing funny stuff … Young lady, didn’t your mother tell you it’s rude to snort disdainfully? … the wife comes downstairs and starts telling me about some person she knows from somewhere so I says something hilariously funny about her and the wife laughs and so I say to her that I ought to write that down and she says ‘What?’ and so I repeat it and this time she actually listens to me and then she tells me that when I say something that’s really funny she’ll tell me and then we start this whole back-and-forth about her just laughing for the sake of it, without waiting for me to become funny and she says that she’s been waiting for twenty-five years for me to be funny and she settled a long time on just faking it and I said ‘What! even that time when …’ and she said ‘Yes, even that time’ and then I said ‘Listen, I really need to write some of this down because it’s gold and even if you don’t find it funny then others are bound to’ and then … oh, wait … [sigh] … she was right, wasn’t she! [snorts disdainfully] Story of my life!
So, about values.
Values are, on the whole, wholesome kitties. Despite the word values being similar to valuables the two things aren’t very related. One is about something similar to long-lasting emotions and feelings and the other is about things that you have emotional feelings about. Come to think about it, maybe they are more related than I thought they were.
Okay, let’s have a few examples to get the clarity flowing more than it was.
Something that’s valuable is a diamond. A good diamond, that is. A big one that’s been cut so that it shines prettily. When you have a diamond you feel that it is valuable. If you lose that diamond, down the back of the sofa or in the wash, then you have a certain amount of emotional feeling about the event. You might get angry, sad, frustrated or otherwise upset about it. After a while you might get around to accepting that the diamond is gone, but it’s doubtful. Anyway, that’s an example of something valuable.
A value, on the other hand, isn’t generally a physical thing. Values, at the bottom of the barrel, are just thoughts. But just as you can have weak thoughts that blow away as soon as you smell dinner cooking, you can also have powerful thoughts too. An example is the long-standing thought in your mind that honesty is a good thing in a relationship. My wife got mad the other day about me talking online to a woman that wasn’t herself and when I asked her which deeply-held value I had twanged on by doing that she said honesty. I think she actually meant … oh, what’s that word? It means telling people about things instead of keeping them hidden. Openness? Hmm, something like that. Anyway, as soon as she said that and realised what she meant and realised that I was being open by telling her straight away who I was talking to and why, she stopped being angry immediately (give or take a few minutes) and we got on to making dinner together.
So you can tell the difference between values and valuables now, right? One is a deeply-held belief that shapes your thoughts and behaviour, and the other is something you get upset about if you lose it.
Now that definitions are out of the way and we are on the same page-length, we can get around to talking about how we can get some values and then how we can sharpen them up and do a bit of crayoning.
Right off the bat, I can tell you that I have some good news for you. So I will. I have some good news for you. Here it is: you already have some values.
Wait, wait. With every silver-lined-cloud a little rain must fall. That means that I also have some bad news for you too. The bad news is that not all values are good. In fact, you might be chock-full of bad values and you might not, up until now, even know about it. But, hey: it’s good that you know now because that puts you in the perfect position to do something about it.
There is also, aside from the good and bad news, some medium news. Here it is: I sense a presence in your life. You have a spirit following you around and he’s trying to give you a message … Wait! Hold on. Wait … it’s coming through …
No, it’s gone. Never mind, I’m sure it’ll come back to me later.
So, yeah, values.
Here’s an example of a bad value: the intense desire to make people wait for you to deliver good things into their lives.
Let’s pause now. I’ll tell you more tomorrow.
It’s now the ninth tomorrow. I’ve just read the last couple of paragraphs and they are not funny at all. And then I read the three paragraphs before that and I now need to reassure you that you are not being followed by a spirit. That’s to say, I am not aware of there being a spirit in you pursuit. In fact, there may be several spirits doing the conga around you right now as you read this, but I am not aware of them. I don’t do spirits and spirits do not do me. End of paragraph.
But not the end of the story. When N is away I … Let me start again. There was a time, when N was away, that I persuaded myself that there was a spirit man stood at the top of our stairs and so I got a little afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I refused to put the light on as I went upstairs. I wanted to brazen it out, you see. Prove to myself that this was not going to get to me or change my life/behaviour/way of being. Finally (as if this is the end of my life or the end of time) I hit upon a method of scaring away the scaredness. I thought of God.
I put God just behind the spirit man (in my mind) and so, because God is more powerful and more benign than man, he (God) cancelled out the spirit man. This worked. It has to continue to work, though, because if I don’t consciously make the effort to think about God then the spirit man … has influence over me. This may well go on. This may well go on until (and during (and maybe after)) they are both dancing to the conga beat at the top of the stairs. At that point, I may join in.
None of that has anything to do with values. Or does it?
You remember I was saying that there are also bad values? Aw, c’mon, it was only a minute ago. It’s not as if you took a nine-day break like I did and then had to search for ‘bad’ in this page to remember. Okay, okay, have a look back then if you need to.
You done? Okay, let’s carry on then.
There are good values and there are bad values. A bad value is one that does harm to either you are others. Others can mean anything, not just people. A planet is an other too. So, how about an example?
If you have the value of wanting-to-get-to-places-quickly then this might encourage you to buy a fast car that uses petrol (that’s gasoline to you Mr USA) to power it at roaring speed down the road. You can see why this is a bad value, right? It hurts the ears, it hurts the air and it hurts the bugs not to mention the planet due to … well, I’m sure you can figure it out. A counteracting good value might be patience.
When I mentioned bad values to N she said that there aren’t any. Seems to me that she hasn’t thought it through. But then again, neither have I so we’re even there. But wouldn’t the world be in a much better place if there were no bad values? Yeah, I think so too.
I was just flicking through a book in the Sociology section of the library that gave a pictorial guide to how to be social. It had pictures of people in various scenarios and if there was a blue border around the picture then the people was behaving in a way that was socially acceptable but if there was a red border then they were being socially unacceptable. One example of unacceptable was a bloke choosing to pee in the urinal next to you whilst looking at your wee-willie-winkie. After looking at several scenarios, I got the idea that the things I do are mostly acceptable to society (or at least that I understand if I occasionally do something bad.
You see the way I brought us back to the word ‘bad’? I did that because bad generally means socially unacceptable and good generally means socially acceptable. Those definitions work fine, of course, right up until society itself goes bad. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that society is good right now, right? Well, maybe. Let’s look a little further into that idea.
At work yesterday, or maybe the day before, we (managers) went on a call about safety. Part of the call was on things like not climbing poles if you’re eating a bag of chips and not walking down the stairs without holding onto the rail – normal safety stuff like that. But then another part of the call started and it got me startled. It was about how women feel when they are ogled, stared at or objectified by (one got the impression) men. Here are the stats. Out of every hundred women asked, eleven of them had an opinion. Out of those eleven, forty-nine percent didn’t like being ogled etc. That comes to about 5 percent of the female population, but that’s not the point. There are women who don’t like it and so we should stop at once. And I agree. Which is why, when I looked up a minute ago to see a pretty girl at the next girl I had to look down again straight away. Just in case. I now I can’t look back in that direction full stop. Not because she might be one of those five percent No. it’s because it’s now bad. Society deems it to be bad and so we must stop. She (you know who I mean) just stood up and so I risked a microglance. And now she’s gone. Through an intense effort of will I managed to prevent myself from looking at her departing form just in case I was perceived by those around me that I was looking at her aye-double-ess. So, here’s my question to you: does that make me a good person?
Of course, there are those people who would neither have seen her nor noticed that she was departing. But I happen to think that that’s rude. I mean, imagine that everyone didn’t notice when you arrived, ignored you while you were there and then didn’t notice you leaving. How would that make you feel? It’d make me feel sad. Old, tatty buildings are at risk of this. Unattractive scenery probably feels unloved. Ugly handbags are particularly at risk of social exclusion. My feelings in this vein are indicative of one of my values: I value acknowledging things and people around me. When I’m feeling vindictive and/or unloving, I ignore all sorts of things. And I know that I hurt people and things and this, in turn, hurts me. Not in some sort of karma-ish way, but because every hurtful thing I deal out to others has to go through me first.
In other words: not living by my values hurts me (and others).
So, we’ve covered a lot of ground here, and most of it has been done without having to reproduce a list of 180 values. Yay!
Right, there’s someone I’ve ignored for long enough now, so I’m offski. If’n you have any questions then type them in the comments. Laters, potatas.
Robert C Day 