My Commencement Speech
I hesitated to post my speech from graduation for privacy reasons (this being the internet, where creepers prey on people and all that), but I refuse to let that fear decide for me, so here it is. I was soooo scared to deliver this speech in front of all those people, but it turned out the be the best, bravest thing I ever did, and I will never forget what an amazing day that was. Enjoy!
Winning at Life
On April 17th, I brought my daughter to Award’s Day at my college. I sat with all my other Student Nurses’ Association girls (and one male student nurse), and cheered everyone on as awards were announced. Like last year, I won a Student Senate award with a decent scholarship attached. It was a nice day, and even more meaningful as we all near graduation in a few weeks.
The last awards were being called, and my six year old daughter, who had been very patient up to this point, was getting antsy. “Are we gonna get one of the trophies, Mama?” I told her that we were almost done, and then we could go home. The top three award recipients get these silver-plated bowls with their names inscribed on them, and she wanted one of those awards. I think she’s been spoiled by my double-award win earlier this year, at a community-wide fundraising gala for my school, where I won the top two awards for my swing dance routine in the mock- Dancing with The Stars event. She and her brother have been fighting over those trophies ever since.
So they finally got up to announce the last award, the President’s Award for Outstanding Citizenship for Extensive Participation in Social and Academic Activities (what a mouthful, huh?)… and they call MY NAME! My daughter gasped aloud, and I walked down the steps trying very hard not to trip in front of all these people. Up front, they read off this long description of why I was getting the award, and it sounded awfully long and impressive… I think they were practically reading off my entire resume! Then the em cee said that I did this all while raising two children, and he invited my daughter down front, too. As nervous as she was, she ran down the steps and came up front to accept the award with me. She held the big bowl in her little hands and said to me, “We WON it, Mama!” I have never been so proud.
Then, lest it be a dull end to the ceremony, they said that despite all that, the thing I was best known for at our college was my performance in the Dancing with the Stars event… and without further ado, they lowered a huge screen and showed my whole dance routine on video, right in front of the whole audience. When it was over, the President of the school whispered in my ear, “We are all so proud of you. I don’t know how you did it all.” Then she said to my daughter, “You should be very proud of you mother. She worked very hard for you.” I felt like crying.
But the tears really came when everyone stood up to give us a standing ovation, and my little girl and I stood there in front of an entire room clapping and cheering for us. And right then, every late night of studying and every hour of work for our Student Nurses’ Association club, and every a night of lost sleep because of an upcoming exam… it was all worth it. Because I’m a winner. I came to college feeling like a loser, but in three years I reinvented myself. I am finally the person I always wanted to be.
And that, Dear Readers, was worth an update post.
Graduation is in a couple of weeks, and because of this award, I’ll be a speaker at Commencement. I’ll let you know how that goes. Until then, here’s a bad video of the dance routine I mentioned. It was filmed by someone from the display on their computer, and it looks as bad as you’d imagine, but you can get the idea….
Since I never seem to have the time to write much myself these days…
… Mandy at Since My Divorce has begun a follow-up series about my story, a year and a half after her first series. You can read it here.
It’s always surreal to read about yourself, but even more so because of how far away and long ago all of my divorce drama now seems. I feel so far removed from it all, in fact, that I removed all the old private posts about that stuff from this blog last year (though I moved all the content to another blog for prosperity).
After three years on my own, being a single mom is more comfortable than being a married mom ever was. Just today, I had coffee with a new neighbor, a single mom who just remarried after three years of doing it on her own. It was strange to talk about “becoming” a single parent three years ago, since I feel like I own this role now, like I was born this way. I’m so used to my life now, and the predictability of running my own household, going to school and clinicals at the hospital, and raising up these two kiddos. In fact, I find it harder and harder to imagine it differently.
Anyway, pop over to Mandy’s site and read through her site. She has so many inspiring and interesting stories of many women who have come through divorce not only strong, but better; happier even. It’s nice to see that sometimes, good can come from divorce!
Time Flies
When I was younger, it seemed like a day was forever, and “next Christmas” was incomprehensible, too long a wait to even imagine. Adults warned me that life would speed by, and that I should enjoy being a child while I had the chance. Unfortunately, my childhood wasn’t the typically enjoyable type, and the fact that it seemed to stretch on endlessly made it all the harder. But now, having recently passed my thirty-year mark in this life, I see what they mean: Life moves at the speed… of life. Which is to say, very fast.
Three years ago I moved out and started over on my own. Two years ago I took a night class for math at a local high school, because I had the radical idea to go to college. One year ago I aced my prerequsite science classes and began the nursing program at the best ADN program in my state. This year I’m about to start my senior year in the nursing program as President of the Student Nurses’ Association, and I am armed with thousands of dollars in scholarships, awarded to me because I have proven that I have talent and the willingness to work very hard toward my goals.
In the last three years I’ve also made progress in my personal life: I’ve made good friends and overcome some of fears of asking for help when I need it. I’ve learned to accept friendship and to trust that people will be there when I need them.
I’ve also practiced the skill we call dating: that rigorous trek toward vulnerability and openness, and I have learned both to identify what I need to be happy and to ask for it. In many cases, this has meant also learning to walk away (not an easy thing for me), but I’ve learned how to do that, too.
And at home with my children, I’ve learned to trust the process a bit more, and to not agonize over every misstep I make. I’m still learning about how to enjoy the time I have with them now, rather than slipping into my habit of putting “fun” off until later… because the funny thing about time is that there is no “later.” Later, it will be “now” again, and so that excuse only results in a life of rushing to get things done and fighting the eternal bettle of laundry, dishes, and homework…
I guess what I’m saying is that right now, I’m taking some stock of how far I’ve come, and I’m allowing myself to soak it in and absorb some of that, because this is good stuff! I’m not perfect, and I have far to go to reach my goals, both academically and personally… but the important thing is that I wake up every morning and I keep on trekking, and I keep challenging my self-doubt and refusing to be limited by what my past story seemed to tell me for such a long time… and I am getting there.
I don’t make any promises that I’ll update here often. It really depends on how school goes, and how life goes. But for those of you who still read here: thank you for following my story and being the only support I had for awhile there, back before I even had the chutzpah to go back to school. I am so grateful.
Quickie Update
I am now the President Elect of the SNA!!! So awesome and a bit scary…
And I’m crazy busy getting ready for a trip to Salt Lake City this week for the NSNA Convention there…. More later. :)
Found: AWOL Blogger
When I used to be a very avid blog reader and writer, I would get disappointed when people fell off the blogging wagon. All the more so because it usually coincided with a blogger being busy with new and exciting things happening and life moving forward. In the world of the divorce blogs that I used to frequent, this was always cause for celebration, but it was anticlimactic to be left behind by that blogger as she posted less and less frequently. Now I am that blogger.
I won’t make promises about taking up posting regularly again (though I hope I do at some point), because I find myself busier and busier each semester… but I also find myself feeling more isolated at times by my hectic schedule, and when the loneliness hits I find myself missing this outlet and the connections I made in those first two years when I became a single mom and started thinking about college. Now here I am, living the single mom life and midway through my RN program, but I miss feeling like a part of a larger community of women sharing their stories and supporting each other.
An update: I’m mostly through my first year of the nursing program at my school, and this time next year I’ll be looking forward to graduating. I have seven weeks left this semester, and then a few weeks off before my summer semester begins. Most nursing students don’t do a summer semester, but I have two other classes to take if I want to graduate on time, and I don’t want to take them on top of the nursing course-load next school year. So this summer is devoted to microbiology and a math class. I am also applying for my LNA license so I can get some part-time work if I need it during the summer, thought I hope I don’t have to fit that in on top of classes and taking care of the kids (who will not be in preschool all summer).
And for some crazy, amazing news: Last month, I was nominated for President of the Student Nurse Association at my school! Elections are next week, so I’ll let you know for sure then. This is a HUGE deal to me, because you may remember that school has never been a sure thing for me. I had a dismal GPA in high school, and I dropped out at age 16, so to go back to school as an adult and get As and be nominated for President of the SNA… well, it’s literally a life-changing thing for me. I feel like I’ve come full circle, and I’m very proud of myself. So proud that I don’t even care if I sound full of myself!
I’m heading out today to tour a new school for Bean. She’s going to kindergarten next year, and her father and I are trying to get her into a great little school with a scholarship program. Fingers crossed for that.
To those of you who still do… thanks for reading.
Caffeine Free
Part of my plan for reducing stress for the next semester is to quit caffeine. Well, I’m on day three of my caffeine detox, and I would like to say: OW!
The last two days I did alright. Mild headaches and feeling a bit lethargic, but nothing too bad. But then this morning I started feeling a tension headache. I had plans to work on some knitting projects at a friend’s house at 11am, but after an hour and a half there, the headache was really bad and I felt the nausea that comes with my migraines. Great. So I drove the ten minutes home and promptly tossed my cookies and took my Imitrex and spent a couple hours in bed, hiding from the light. The rest of the afternoon has been manageable, and I was able to keep down some scrambled eggs, but I can’t go dancing tonight as planned because I still feel rather peaked. Yuck.
I hear that people often feel much better and less wound-up after they quit drinking coffee and soda, and I really hope that’s my experience, too. This withdrawal sucks, but it makes me even more determined to kick the habit. I had no idea I was so hooked on my daily caffeine intake!
Take that, NU115!
So. I did it! They said it couldn’t be done, but I did it! I got an A for my first semester of nursing school! I’m honestly surprised that I pulled it off, because it was the hardest class I’ve ever had, and I was averaging 90% before the final exam, but I got 92% on the final and I got my A!
It was really encouraging looking back at the semester’s worth of notes when I was reviewing for the final exam; I learned a LOT this semester! Some of my early notes seem so silly to me now. Did I really ever need to write on a note card: “anticoagulants increase risk for bleeding?” I have learned a whole new language over this course, and now I describe patient’s symptoms in appropriate terms automatically. “Mr So-and-So is tachypnic after doing his ADLs this morning and I hear bilateral sibilant wheezes, but his O2 Sat looks good, he’s A&O times three and his vitals are within limits otherwise.” In reality, I’ve never reported anything remotely exciting about a patient yet…
I spent the entire semester on a rehab floor, which is my major complaint of the program thus far. Next semester I’ll be in Med Surg for most of the time, so hopefully I’ll get more experience. So far I’ve only given meds three times, and only tried one injection. And that injection… well, it didn’t go as planned. In fact, I didn’t manage to break skin. I tried twice, but as my instructor pointed out, I have no “follow through.” Yeah, well, it’s not as easy as it sounds to poke and old guy through his skin. The skin is actually a tougher barrier than I’d imagined, and I also noted that the mind resists such an attack on another person, too. I mean, I really tried, but my hand just hesitated at the end, and so the needle didn’t have the oomph behind it, and it just jabbed him and didn’t go through. Twice. Then my instructor took the needle and did it herself. Oops. So, yeah… hopefully I can get better at that next semester…
My clinical instructor passed me (obviously), and she said I’m smart and well-prepared and that my care plans are good and I understand the rationales for the interventions and skills…but she did have one criticism: she said that I need to “better manage [my] anxiety.” Well, duh. She asked me to address it in my learning plan for next semester, and although I was initially wound up about it, I realised that she’s right and that this is as good a time and reason as any to really focus on ways that I can get myself to calm down about everything. I can’t just change my personality, but I can focus my energies on reducing my nervousness in the clinical setting, and I think that will help. I have made a few mistakes here and there, and all of them have been because I was so nervous that I got “tunnel vision” and failed to notice/remember things. While this may not sound like a huge issue, nurses cannot afford to forget “little things” like checking ID bands when dispensing meds or not noticing that a patient is on contact precautions before helping the guy onto his bedside commode. (Yes, I did those things.) At this stage, almost everything we do is supervised (which raises my anxiety), but before long we’ll be expected to perform our skills independently, and to do it safely. So I need to know that I can keep my head clear and my hands steady.
To that end, I ordered a good book about dealing with anxiety, and I decided to quit coffee and try Kava root to help me keep my cool in high-stress situations (like clinicals!). I’m also going to practice visualizing my clinical skills, because it’s been proven to help people perform better and lessen their related anxiety. And when school starts, I mad a committment to myself to get to open lab regularly so I can practice skills there with all the equipment in a slightly less-frightening environment.
So the semester is over and I finally have some free time again!!!! I got my A and I have plans in place to make next semester go as smoothly as possible… All in all, I’m feeling positive, and I’m really excited to sleep in and get some knitting done and go ballroom dancing again. I have four weeks before it all begins again… Maybe I’ll even get some more blogging in! :)
Overdue Update with an Uninspiring Title
I just took my fourth nursing school exam, and I think I’ve finally got the hang of not over-preparing for these tests. Don’t get me wrong, I studied plenty, but rather than kill myself cramming and obsessing over every detail, I studied it, reviewed the more salient points, and then relaxed and took the test. I don’t think I got an A. But I also don’t think my grade would have been improved with further studying. I took the exam and I felt satisfied enough with my performance. And then I went and had sushi with a couple of classmates after, and it was a nice afternoon; much better than previous exam days spent nervously clicking ‘refresh’ on Blackboard and agonizing over what my grade would be. That being said, we’ll see how it sits with me when the grades are posted for this one; perhaps it won’t feel so ‘okay‘ if I get a C.
Among other things I’ve learned this semester: That being alone isn’t torture. Don’t get me wrong, it ain’t no party. I’m an extrovert, and being alone as often as I am is difficult, but it’s becoming more tolerable as time goes on. My precious free time is almost as often spent at home, having a hot shower and watching Hulu on my laptop as it is meeting up with friends. I’ve struck a decent balance of school time and parenting time and social time and me time. Lest I overstate this, I will admit that I wish I spent less time alone, but the difference is that I am now able to enjoy my time alone in a way I never really was before. It’s not always so terrible… I might liken it to exercise: I tend to want to avoid it, but once I’m doing it I rather enjoy it, and I know it’s good for me. And the solitude is easier to tolerate now because it’s well-balanced with school time (which is also social) and time with the kids (which is tiring, but rewarding), and ballroom dancing (which is always the highlight of my week).
And one other thing before I wrap up this random update on my practically-dead blog: I received notice a couple of weeks ago that I was selected for a scholarship I applied for last spring. The notice came so late that I had stopped waiting to hear back, so it was an awfully big surprise. I almost didn’t believe it when I opened the letter; I had to read it twice before I told my mother because I thought I might be mis-reading. But no, I read it right: I was selected to receive a decent-sized scholarship, straight to my school account to cover a good chunk of my tuition for next semester! Take that, sense of inferiority! Haha!
And that concludes the long-overdue post… And maybe I’ll have more time for blogging over the upcoming winter break… Maybe…
…just a little update so you know I’m alive…
I’m a terrible blogger. I’m just so busy these days, and I get much less satisfaction from my blog now that I don’t write the personal stuff here. C’est la vie.
School continues to go pretty well. I had to accept my first college B on an exam a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t let it get me down for long. No time for self-pity these days. It’s just on to the next exam, and I’m hoping to be better on this one.
Nursing school is weird. It’s so intense, and I’m learning so much, and I have this whole new peer group. Me and about a hundred other freshman nursing students, and we’re all just trying to get through and do well. Mostly Type-As, and all of us stressed, but supportive of one another and sharing a passion for learning this art. I dig it.
Yesterday at clinical I advocated for a patient who needed a psych consult (in my opinion, anyway). I spoke to her nurse about my concerns, how this patient was having a very difficult time adapting to her condition and she lacked the support that would make it tolerable and she wasn’t coping very well, and the nurse agreed to order the consult, and for one glorious moment, I felt like a helped a person. It felt damn good, I must say.
The kids are good, and things are okay with the ex. We’re trick-or-treating together tomorrow, in my town. The kids are excited. I’m sure it’ll be weird and probably make me sad some, but oh well. Life ain’t always fair or easy, and I get that.
Also, my Bean turns five this week, and we are having a joint-family party at the ex’s house. My mom’s coming in to town for it, too. I’m proud of my little munchkin. Seems not long ago that she was a baby, and now she reads and plays math games on my iPhone and says things like,” O.M.G., Mom, that’s so rad!” She’s having a dinosaur-themed party. Should be fun.
Other than that, I don’t have much to share. Hope all of you readers are well. :)
Leap and the Net Will Appear 