The Sad State

7 09 2009

I don’t sit with other docs at lunch when I’m at the hospital anymore.  It’s too depressing.  Some of their bitching is merited and some not.  It’s become abundantly clear however that the vast majority of us are not happy with our jobs.   When we were 18, we were honor students.  We were “full of promise”.  After years of hard work and study and sacrifice (not to mention tens of thousands of dollars in tuition and debt) we now find ourselves in a system where we are burdened more and more.  High stress and low reward.  I am threatened on the one hand if I do the right thing for my patients and I am threatened if I do not.  I have gone to having no voice, no right and no recourse.  Now, we’re just full of shit.

Health care reform will fail because we aren’t talking about all of the issues.  We’re talking around the issues.  Letters to my representatives have gotten form letters in reply.  I’ve asked them to come to my inner city clinic and see what goes on…they all politely decline.

I look back at my previous blog and it was funny and energetic.  I’ve fallen behind in this one and I always thought that it was writer’s block or that I didn’t want to keep posting negative entries.  I think at this point, blogging has ceased to be fun or useful for me anymore and I apologize.

The Last Spartan, MD





Sighs

5 09 2009

Sorry to have been incognito folks.  Work has been very busy.   I was drained after a family meeting with the loved ones of a brain-dead 35 year old woman who were very distrusting of me and they were simply determined not to hear me.  Quite honestly, I’m a bit depressed.

I found out that a good friend of mine (our parents were also great friends) who is the younger brother of BestFriend has skin cancer (melanoma).  We don’t know the results of the lymph node biopsy but melanoma kills people.  He’s a year younger than me and his wife is seven months pregnant with their first child.

To top that off, my former program director of my residency died last week as a result of colon cancer.  He was a very nice man who mentored me and many others.

I’m very sad.  I haven’t called my friend yet but I’m also not sure what to say.  I don’t even know if this type of negative stress is normal in life.

Bear with me.





The “DISS” in ‘Dysfunction’

28 08 2009

My writing from time to time can be full of instances of my wife’s family causing distress in her life.  Obviously, since she’s my wife, that has an indirect effect on me.

My wife’s 7 siblings are each of the type that thinks that he or she is NOT the high-maintenance child.  The mother (MIL) orchestrates or aggravates every situation.  At any given time, two siblings in this family are not on speaking terms and my wife is probably least involved in that; although she may be now.

We went home last week for my father’s memorial service.  One of my wife’s brothers lives there with his wife and two children.  Over the years, meeting up with them has been difficult.  One time, we were in town for a whole week (twenty or so miles away) and he had an excuse for every offered rendez-vous.  This included the now famous “we’ve got to clean the house this afternoon” line.  Every meeting that we have had has happened on his terms.  Either at his house or his friend’s restaurant.  Partly, this is because they have an autistic son who is not at all high functioning.  My wife and I worry about our kids’ safety sometimes as the kid can have outbursts.  Nonentheless, my wife feels strongly that the parents don’t really ever try to give the kid any boundaries.  I don’t know if that’s fair but she feels that rather than trying to impose any limits on the kid, they just absorb whatever he wants to do.  For instance, when he took to eating houseplants, they simply took a course on “edible plants”.

This past week, we were in town for the weekend.  We were invited to my sister’s on Friday night but we invited them to join us Saturday evening for a ball game.  We offered to meet for lunch or dinner.  On Sunday, he dropped off the MIL at the church and said “hi” to my wife and my sister’s husband but didn’t acknowledge me when I said “hi”.  He was invited to the luncheon after church.  He refused all of these invitations.  We then called Sunday afternoon because my wife felt badly that we hadn’t met up with them.  We offered to meet at an ice cream parlor closer to them to treat the kids to ice cream.  He refused saying that their older son had homework.  Then, my MIL got on the phone to ask directions for a board game.  Hmm.  No time to see us but you can play games when you have homework.  Yeah, right.

The coup de grace however, was on Tuesday when the MIL called and badgered my wife about how upset her brother was and how my family always takes priority and we never go just to visit him.  My wife started into her mother saying that we tried to include him in pretty much everything we were doing but he refused.  Once again, the MIL fails to get the whole story and claims to not want to be involved but she does.  I’ve never told my wife not to include her brother but I have told her that if she doesn’t want to see him then she shouldn’t advertise our trips back home.

The fact of the matter is that he’s got the emotional age of 12 and he’s a grown man.  He’s insensitive and rude.  He’s passive aggressive and a  pain in the ass.  My wife likes how my family treats her anyway.





A Difference A Year Makes

17 08 2009

This week, I head home as we mark the one year anniversary of my Dad passing. It’s a big deal to have a one-year memorial in our church. I can’t say that I am looking forward to it.

I think that we focus very much on dates and anniversaries. I can’t believe that I will feel less sad on day 366 than I did on day 364. I think it merely marks a milestone. As if the car is passing a mile marker and you wonder “Gee, has it been 30 miles already?”.

My life in the last year has been grueling. As much as I want to say that the two years before were tough with Dad in and out of the hospital, this is bad too.

Be certain that I don’t have the physical fatigue of keeping vigil at a hospital or tossing and turning at night. I do, however, continue with the emotional fatigue. The emotions are complex.

On the one hand, no one could have wanted him to continue to suffer. While his death was not expected and a complication after surgery…he had been very ill over the last twelve years and moreso the last three.

That said, there are many thoughts that persist for me. I always thought that there would be regret. Should I have said more? Should I have been more to him in the final year? I don’t feel that. I think that my Dad apologized for the things he’d done to me that he felt ashamed of. I forgave him. There wasn’t much more to say.

The one feeling that I did not expect was the profound loneliness. I can’t say that my Dad and I saw each other often as he lived in another part of the U.S.. As it turns out though I am now an elder member of the family. My Dad had three brothers and two weren’t speaking to him. The remaining brother is dying. I tried to forge some contact with another brother who showed me why he’s a complete untrustworthy fool.

There are still days when I wish I could ask him something or days when I don’t wish to talk about anything in the past but rather what’s going on now. There are days when this emotion coupled with the absolute chaos of work have me begging for a dark room and a quiet corner.

The wife and kids were away last night and the house was eerily quiet. While I’ve always yearned for such “alone time” it was decidedly creepy.

I’m hiding in my back office. They haven’t realized I’m here yet. I’m going to get some work done here at some point but I’m not sure how long I’ll last.

Maybe a year hasn’t made as much difference as I’d hoped.





The Living Wage

14 08 2009

Since late spring, we have been trying to fill a vacated position in our office.  I will spare you a reiteration of how it all went down but suffice it to say that it’s perhaps the most important job in the whole operation: Coding and Billing.

We employ two other women, both of whom are recent hirings.  One was hired last winter and the other one merely a month before we canned the most senior of the three (and she deserved it…).

We interviewed a woman yesterday who may prove to be the perfect candidate and I will not lie to you.  I’m hopeful because I can’t keep doing all of this administrative work.  In the process of discussing her two things came up:

1) We had allowed her a few minutes to chat with the other two women and afterwards, I just happened to ask what they thought.  They both gave her a “thumbs down” but that was before we told them what her qualifications were.  If there’s any trepidation on their part now…it’s purely instinctive and not factual.

2) We realized that her current boss is really ripping her off in terms of pay.

The second item got us talking.  Historically, the previous partners in my practice were all cheap sons-of-bitches.  Personally, I would be embarassed if I wasn’t paying a fair wage.

What’s a fair wage for a receptionist?  A file clerk?  I don’t know.  I told him that I was worried that we’re underpaying our staff.  Granted, the receptionist has no education or other qualifications whatsoever except that she’s somewhat motivated and has good phone skills.

What’s fair?





Un-Snuggly

13 08 2009

I think that for all of the complaining that I’ve done over the years about my wife’s approach to love, I’ve recently tried to simplify my expectations and just be happy to have someone that I know loves me.

I suppose that for a while it helped. She’s far better about telling me that she loves me than she ever was and it’s rare for me to leave the house in the morning without a “goodbye kiss”.

That said, I don’t know why I cannot just be happy with it. Yes, it’s becoming “old, married couple” sorta boring and no, she won’t make a “date night” with me to go out on the town and rekindle the excitement.

I think that at the heart of my discontent however, lay an intrinsic problem that seems to be evident in her family. Even if they can get to the point where love is an emotion that they can feel, much less express…it’s never beyond the superficial “I love you” (or the dreaded “luv ya”).

I think that there isn’t anyone out there who doesn’t like to hear that they are loved but you would think that a reasonable person would be able to express their feelings and, from time to time when appropriate, perhaps elaborate a little bit.

“I think it’s charming when you forget to cap the toothpaste…”

“I think that your smile is awesome…”

Those sorts of things. My wife can’t be bothered to be more specific. Perhaps on a regular day it doesn’t matter to me as much but when I have a bad day (and yesterday was one of the worst…) it would be nice if that person could support you with warmth and some supportive, relevant words.

I don’t know if I am being needy or unreasonable but efforts to bring it up in private conversation are typically met with “Oh come on, don’t be silly…” and that’s not encouraging.

I am not unhappy. Perhaps I am just too demanding. I don’t know. I think that my emotional needs could be easy to satisfy if it would happen once in a while. Thoughts?





Death Panel of Two

12 08 2009

Last week, Sarah Palin decided to scare the American seniors by telling them that the proposed health care plan is going to form a “death panel” that will actively euthanize everyone from Grandma to Ol’  Yeller.   Of course, Ms. Palin has misunderstood what someone read to her.  That said, from what I witnessed last night we might all stand a better chance with that option.

I was called by a nurse around 10:30 at night and asked if anyone had called me regarding a patient in intensive care.  She read off some very abnormal labs and that the patient hadn’t responded to whatever the intern and resident had done.  There was a consult ordered at 18:30 but not called to me.  Of course, I had to get dressed and drive in.

I arrived to find a case of significant bradycardia (slow heart rate) in a man whose past medical history spanned a whole page.  He had been treated with a smidge of this and a pittance of that.  It was the classic medical resident approach.  We’ll throw the smallest possible dose at someone not realizing that it has no chance in hell of actually doing anything for this particular patient with this particular problem.

I gowned up for a procedure on the patient at the bedside and the intern and resident strolled in.  They actually had the nerve to ask me why the procedure was necessary.  As if that patient didn’t have EVERY reason in the book.  As if the heart rate could get any lower.  There was simply no room for error here.  If the patient’s situation got any worse, his heart would simply stop.

I don’t know if ten years from now this man would receive this kind of aggressive intervention as he does have a significant cancer in addition to his many chronic medical problems.  That isn’t the point.

The knowledge base of these two trainees in particular is poor.  I wish I could say that they are the exception.  There are certainly still “stars” in medical training.  They can tell you all 127 causes of arthritis or tell you what the latest leukemia staging is.  There are also some conscientious ones.  The rest however lack in both knowledge and initiative.

I often look back on my training and ask myself  “when did I have a clue?”.  When did I know things?   When I was a third year student we were expected to know every detail about our patient.  We were expected to read about their problems.  Did I know everything then?  I doubt it…but I worked really hard to compensate for what I didn’t know.  Now, that seems optional.  The next generation of doctors is going to be one of unaccountable shift-workers.  They’ll be people who see medicine as a job rather than a career.

I think that the reason last night sticks out so much in my craw is that I KNOW I would have known this basic stuff when I was an intern.  What’s worse is that the resident has 14 months’ experience at this point and should know how to deal with this situation.  I also know that I NEVER would have asked the attending physician some of the questions that these two were launching.

On some level, they are fortunate.  I didn’t yell.  I educated, albeit at 1 am.  My mentors would have ripped them a new orifice.  I do feel guilty about one thing.  I am finding as I get older that I am much more likely to give a male resident a hard time as opposed to a female.  That isn’t to say that I am not openly displeased with the latter but I can think back to putting many male residents through the ringer when I know I would have backed off if they were a female.  I doubt it was pleasant for either group but perhaps it’s because I think that medicine favors men and since they’ve had advantage over women, there’s less excuse.  I don’t know.

In the end, I wind  up being the faculty member that they won’t approach or the one that they say bad things about.  They’ll never be able to say I’m not a good doctor though and that’s what I think matters.  I hold myself and them to a higher standard.  That isn’t to say that it will always be reached but it will always be reached for.

Health care crisis?  What helath care crisis?  We’ve got nothing to worry about.  Who needs a death panel?  These two will take care of everything.








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