Hypocrisy

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Depression is just a phase is what I was told by my closest friends. The friends I grew up with had no idea of what I had become. And I take full responsibility for it because I actually never shared anything with them which actually is one the reasons why it got worse. The thing is the society around me expects me to be materialistic-ly happy with what I have. I got money, got food on my plate, have friends around me. I’ve heard things like “imagine being an African kid who isn’t sure if there’s gonna be food on his/her plate in their next meal or water to drink.” What can I say after that? So I’ve stopped talking.

Reminding you that I have a lot of friends. They’re very dear to me and they try their best to look after me. I know I can’t be helpful, but I always try to be there for them. I want to listen to their stories and rants. But after listening to them, I understand that I shouldn’t burden my problems on them. We live in an extremely cruel world where everyone suffers mentally. I don’t want to make it worse for them. So I keep it in.

But the thing about that is now it feels that I’ve reached my saturation point. It feels like I’m a vessel of pain and it has started overflowing. I get this weird physical pressure in my chest every now and then when the anxiety kicks in. Feels like a major panic attack and a lot of shit flashes in front of my eyes. Sometimes I feel like I deserve the pain. Maybe I’m not as good as I claim to be. I can be very very selfish sometimes.

Why am I writing this tho? Maybe someday, someone Close to me reads this and just reads things I’ve been trying to tell them for so long, but I just couldn’t. I have convinced myself that I don’t need help, but the fact is I actually do a lot. And although I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression, that’s not my biggest illness. It’s the fact that I don’t trust my friends enough to let everything out. I have a fear that I won’t be the same person to them or they wouldnt be the same to me. And I really appreciate what I have with them right now. Because one thing I hate is pity and I expect them to show it to me when I tell them all this.

Consequences

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Can you imagine going back to your 10th grade? When you were happy without being intoxicated. When you would go eat snacks after school with your friends. Sometimes bunk classes to go watch a movie. You’d tease your best friends whenever you see their crushes. Innocent pranks you’d play on others. Feels good right?
Now imagine being on the other side of this situation. Imagine being the person who the pranks are played on. ALWAYS. Imagine being the girl who was called a slut everyday only because she wouldnt talk to your best friend because she didn’t like him. Roaming the halls with people shooting you dirty looks and gossiping as you pass by. School used to be 6 hours long but we never felt it. Imagine being that girl who looks at her watch after 20 minutes but only 3 minutes has passed.
But obviously you don’t care right? Because it’s only fun and games. It’s not really fun and games to her though. She goes back home every day with tears on her cheeks. Her friends fake consoling her because they don’t really know how it feels or if it’s ever going to get better.
You’re 16. You’ve all your life left after this but all you want is this pain to end. You don’t want to go to the school next day and face it all again. But you have to.
After this recursive process every single day you start accepting that’s its actually your fault. You want to be happy but the pain never stops. So you hurt yourself more. It starts with a plastic ruler and then that’s not enough. The next day of school is worse. You find a compass. You scratch yourself and see the blood coming out. It feels like a outlet. You know it’s not right but nothing right is happening anyways. You try to share with other people how it’s affecting you but they keep telling you it’s just a phase. You’ll get over it. Until one day, you just cant cry enough, hurt yourself enough. You just decide to let go. To let go off the pain forever. You see the window in your room. The one you’d watch out of and roll tears down your cheeks. You think that it’s the only solution to everything.
AND YOU JUMP
That innocent prank doesn’t feel that innocent anymore right? What you don’t realise is that everything you do has a consequence. Maybe not a huge one. But it piles up. Its almost like chiselling a rock once in the same place everyday. It’ll just start showing cracks till one day it just breaks. Please don’t be a bully. Don’t be that chisel. Don’t be a tool.

Granted

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I get how the word “Granted” can be taken in 2 different ways. It can be as casually as like not appreciating the person enough or simply not caring enough. For example how you assume the person would do the things for you without having an ulterior motive. Like how you expect a Teacher to cover your course without you appreciating them for what they’re doing for you. It’s clear that you’d think they don’t want you to do that for them, because, DUH, they’re getting paid for that.

Which brings me to the other meaning of taking someone for granted. This is usually for who you think are your closest ones. The ones you’d think would stick for you no matter what. You don’t really have to appreciate their efforts they’ve been doing all this time. Because obviously they’re not going anywhere. Thats where I think the world is going to die. I know this sounds extreme (a little?). I mean you’re supposed to take them for granted right? That’s what they expect you to do probably.

I think in a generation we live in (Okay Boomer :/ ) where people rarely show emotions out loud. Or even when they do, its supposed to be taken very lightly. How people just casually throw out “Love Yous” and “Miss Yous” without using the letter “I” before it shows how casually we just throw these emotions without really considering how the other person only really cares about those “Is”. How they don’t take you for granted and how they want you to maybe prioritise them.

I know I deserve this prioritisation and how everyone else deserves it too. I think everyone should do it every now and then. Just tell them how you’re going to be there for them throng thick and thin but at the same time acknowledging that they need you to be as well.

Being a boy is not easy

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All the girls I know once in their life have thought about how easy their life wouldve been if they were a guy. And why not? We’ve got everything sorted. Don’t have to care about how we dress, don’t have superficial body standards, don’t have to worry being outside late. I get it. But the thing they don’t see is how fucking toxic we have to be just to gel in.

Guys going together is always a cult rather than a group. They Call the group a gang because that’s how toxic our minds are when we are together. The things you’re supposed to agree to, the constant body shaming, picking on people, fighting for these people even if it’s for a wrong cause. And if you don’t abide by what the gang says, not only you’re not a part anymore but now you made enemies with the rest of them.

I’ll not lie. I’m guilty as well. I’ve been part of those conversations when one of my own friends have been judged. And the person who is doing it used to be one of my closest friends. I didn’t say a word. It’s not that I don’t dare to but I’d rather be a part of a toxic group than to be alone with a lot of enemies.

Yes I’m guilty as well, but I want to change. We don’t have it that easy.

Anxious

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I never knew I suffered from anxiety. As I sit on the ledge of my window, I can’t stop thinking about what the future holds for me. I was never about being the person who takes something really seriously and overthinks about it. Or maybe I was always that person and I tried to smother those feelings.Cigarettes after sex feels so much better when I’m this blue. It comforts me right now. My friend keeps telling me that everyone in this world are fulfilling their destiny and what’s meant to happen will happen. But what if I’m supposed to shape my own destiny and I could do much better at that and I’m not. It’s still a destiny but not my original destination. Or maybe I’m just another overthinker and I’m gonna forget about these thoughts once I go to sleep.

Toxic Traits

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Update: Still using this as a diary

So I was watching this TV series, which is supposed to be funny and ironically I got a life lesson. I mean I kinda knew about this thing about myself, but maybe I didn’t want to accept it?! Anyways, it was about this person who backstabbed his best friend to become more successful in life. He had to choose between saving his friend’s career or skyrocket his. So he obviously took the latter option.

That got me thinking, I’d probably be the person who would look out for his friend. I wouldn’t have took the easy way out and be that selfish. It’s against my guilty conscious. So I’ve been called things like “the nicest person I’ve ever met” and “caring” and all those sweet things you really want to hear. You can say I’m the good guy. I know a lot of “good” guys deal with the same problem. But my problem is not dealing with rejection from my crushes (because I’m a coward at letting my feelings out). Its actually about not looking at the greater things in life. A lot of options I’ve taken may not have been the best for me, but it certainly seemed right and pleased my guilt. I’d probably be at a much better place if I had taken the other option but hey! Atleast I’m not feeling bad about it. Obviously I still have those “what if” moments every now and then and drown in self loathe. But I don’t care about them when I’m happy.

But I’m not, I always think about those “what if” moments. How I’d be so much happier and better if I’d taken the easy way out instead of the right way out. How I’d love to be the Asshole for once. This constant need of pleasing everybody is changing me every day. Probably for the worst. And I have no control over it at this point. Maybe this is me just drunk or maybe I want me to read it when I open this the next time.

BTW, the show was Bojack Horseman. I told you it’s ironic.

Those 3 kilometers

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Let me address one thing. I don’t know why I use WordPress only when I’m extremely sad or extremely interested in something. It’s like it’s a diary which I bought but never decided to write everyday.

….

You know how people are into jogging? Usually people want to get into a healthier life style. Someone wants to get into shape. Someone wants to stay in shape. It’s usually when someone wants to get complimented or has got insulted somehow. Why do I run? I run because there’s these constant people around me who keep talking about things I can’t deal with. I run to get away from those thoughts which keep pestering me.

How does running help?

Have you ever thought of something except water when you’re REALLY tired? Exactly.

It’s not that these thoughts completely leave me. It’s a temporary coping mechanism. For a good half an hour I forget about everything that’s been stuck in my head for the last 16 hours. Every fear, every insecurity and every flaw. It was never about getting in shape for me because I was running when I had my perfect toned body and I was still running when my stomach looked like I was saving up for the winters. I’m pretty sure I’ll keep running no matter what. Because I need those 3 kilometers to fuck myself up, to exhaust myself at that point where my lungs tell my brain to shut the fuck up with those stupid thoughts and focus on living.

Ordinary. 

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For all the people who want to make it huge in life, I personally admire you and respect your decisions. Setting goals I hard but following and achieving it is something only some people can do. I admire your life decision. Saying that I think there’s nothing wrong in being ordinary. Sometimes the road not taken isn’t the safest route. You never know where it can take you or if it’ll be safe. What if you put all your money in one poker game, lose and get no chance of redemption. All I’m saying is sometimes, just sometimes you should play your cards safe. What if the happiest life is the one where people you don’t care about don’t know you. People don’t consider you their role models. There’s no pressure, no expectations to live upto. Maybe the happiest person not Bill Gates, maybe it’s someone in the middle of the town, doing a basic job which he is happy about. Someone who gets enough family time and enough time time to do what he loves. 

Beauty lies in simplicity and being ordinary 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/ordinary/

Not just a journey 

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I was coming home from college during my holi break. Our little ritual would be getting a little drunk during our bus journey to make it interesting. So we got Vodkas, Beers and Whiskeys. Maybe a “little drunk” part wasn’t exactly right. So I don’t really remember what happened then. But some of the things I remember was listening to songs. I remember hearing Beatles and also a little Eminem. My friends were crushing to make joints to smoke during the pit stops. They were already a little high. They asked me to hold the torch so that they could remove the seeds. I saw the dedication in these people’s eyes. They explained how seeds caused impotency and how they are not keen to not give birth to more stupid DNAs.So me being the most “sober” one there decided to help them out. To be honest, it’s not the hardest thing to do. They appreciated me so much for the help at the same time scolding me for dropping so much of the real stuff on the seat. Fast forward to the next part I remember. I got up. The time was 3:15. I looked up from my window. Not the best view ever but it got me thinking. How the best way to learn life is not from books. It’s not from experienced people. It’s your experiences when you travel. Every part of travelling to a new or old destination reflects life. Every turn is a new day, every crossing is a decision you have to make. Think about it. When you stop to ask directions from someone and trusting what they said is exactly like the time you made a new friend and gave your trust to them. How that’s not always the best decision ever. I learned how to crush equivalent to how you learn something new everyday which if not done with concentration can effect someone in a huge way. How some phase of your life is a slow song when you’re having a heart break or how it’s Rap God when you’re having the best time of your life. Like every mountain road, life also has its own highs and lows. You don’t give up before arriving at your destination, so why give up on Life?