samandpineapple

I’ve been getting really interested in zombie apocalypse scenarios recently. Late last year I started watching The Walking Dead, then moved on to Fear the Walking Dead. And I recently read World War Z. I’ve always been interested in end of the world scenarios. The Stand is one of my favorite books. I’ve always thought about how I would do if the world ended and I was left on my own to survive. My Dad taught me how to hunt and fish. I know how to shoot a gun (I have a hand gun). 

World War Z was great, it had a lot of different points of veiw from all over the world and what they had to do to survive. The only thing I don’t know is where I would go, where would I travel to live? Let’s say a super bug came through and wiped out most of the earths population. There obviously would be lots of chaos while the bug spread. But once the dust settles, where would I go? I’m thinking someplace warm, where I could fish and grow my own food and not have to prepare for winter. Maybe find a small settlement near the ocean that I could join. I have lots of camping supplies that I could easily travel with. Machete, flint, tent, cooking supplies, big back pack. I’d like to think I would do well on my own but I’m not really sure, I’m sure I’d be alone for some time and that might be the hardest part me. Though at times I almost welcome something like that to happen. Things would become so much easier. Really going back to simpler times. Your only worries would be food, water, and shelter. You get that set steady, and the rest seems pretty relaxed, to me anyways. 
I’ve always had the fantasy of just going off into the woods to live, like the book My Side of the Mountain. Just live off the land and not have to worry about anything else but living. Maybe my time is coming. There is still plenty of time for something to happen.

It’s very clear that we have elected officials throughout the United States who do not represent the people. We truly need some of our own people in these offices, not just rich white men. I want some one who was adictied to heroin. I want someone who lost their job due to cut backs. I want someone who had the choose between paying their electric bill and buying groceries. I want someone who had to quit their job to care of a loved one. I want someone who was denied access to seeing their significant other in the hospital because they are the same gender. I want someone who has a transgender daughter, a gay son, and a child with special needs. I want some who couldn’t afford to take their prescription drugs any longer. I want someone who had to steal to feed their family. I want someone who has been discriminated against because of the color of their skin. I want someone who is in a wheelchair. I want someone who was forced to go through conversion therapy. I want some who was homeless. I want someone who was denied wellfair or food stamps but needed them badly. I want some who was pregnant at 15 and had to make a tough decision. I want someone who has survived domestic abuse. I want someone who adores nature and animals. I want some one with mental health issues. I want some one who is a rape survivor. I want some who is nonbinary. I want a man there wears a dress and a woman who wears a tie. I want someone who was raised in the “projects”. I want someone who sold drugs. I want someone who was a sex worker. I want someone who deaf or blind or both. I want someone who has volunteered in their community. I don’t know if I’ll ever see any of these kind of people in these offices but i think it would be great.

Hate is a word that I try not to use often. It’s a very strong word to me. Instead I say things like “I don’t care for that” or “I  don’t like them.” So here here is a list of things that I actually hate. 

     I hate that just cause I’m a woman, some men think they are better than me. I hate that old rich white men are making choices for this country on things that don’t even affect them. I hate that I can’t walk down the street holding my wife’s hand with out getting glares and know exactly what that means. I hate that a transgender person can’t use the bathroom they’re most comfortable using without wondering if someone will publicly shame them or making the choice of holding “it” until they get home or a comfortable place. I hate that a woman can’t wear a hijab without someone looking at them and thinking terrorist. I hate that a little boy can’t play with a doll without someone saying what he is doing is “gay” or a little girl can’t play baseball without someone calling her a “tomboy”. I hate how any black person in a hoodie is seen as a “thug”. I hate how Native Americans are seen as team mascots. I hate how people get outraged when two men kiss on T.V. I hate how people are judged by people who that no business to mind but their own.

       I could go on for hours with this but I think you see where I’m going with this. I’m just sick of seeing so much hatred toward other people. Spread some love today. Tell a stranger you like their hair. Pay for the dinner of the couple next to you. Write a hand written letter to someone you haven’t talked to in a long time. Just do something nice and unexpected, make someone day.

     

• I’ve had some thoughts recently on gender and gender identity and thought I’d share them. I’ve been mistaken for a boy from time to time. Weather it was cause of my short hair, baseball cap, choice of clothing, or 12 year old boy frame. I don’t often wear makeup or dress girly. I don’t remember the last time I wore a dress. I do have some boots with heals but I don’t often wear them. I also wear men’s boxer shorts. Some would say this all ok for me to wear because I’m a lesbian but I find this to be false. The way I dress has nothing to do with my attraction to women. I feel most comfortable when I dress this way. Boxer shorts feel great under my jeans and I love the way they make my hips looks. It really sucks that we get immediately judged and labled by the way we dress. I know strangers look at me and automatically think “lesbian” but what if I wasn’t? What does it matter if I am or not, or if she is really he or they. Are you going to talk to me? Are you going to interact with me in some way where my gender matters? Do you need to know that I’m a woman so you can treat me how you think women should be treated?
• When I was about 8 years old I went on a trip with my family to visit some cousins on my father’s in Wisconsin. They had 2 girls, around the same age as my sister and I. The older of the 2 had a friend that stayed over during our visit, a cute kid with short blonde hair. We played all day, and the entire time I thought she was a boy. I didn’t realise she was a girl until it was bed time and I noticed she had Barbie underwear and I asked her about it. “I’m a girl” she said. And that was that. It didn’t matter to me, nothing changed and nothing was different. I wish the real world was this way.

I’ve never been good with relationships. Having just gotten out of a serious relationship and being the holiday season i feel a pit in my stomach. I’m seeing so many awesome relationships right now, people who definitely look like they are in love and I think it’s awesome, it really makes me so happy to see other couples happy like this, so much so I don’t even care about myself for a little bit.
     The couple I like to see the most is my sister and her wife. They really seem like the ultimate super couple. I have never seen them actually fight. I have seen them have disagreements and it’s so fucking adorable I cant even stand it. They aren’t an annoying couple either with pet names and kissy face sounds. It’s almost like they can read each other’s minds.
     On the other end is my brother, who I’m pretty sure is still a virgin. He’s 25 and he has aspergers. He’s super smart but basically has no social skills. Just imagine Sheldon from Big Bang Theory but not funny, at all. I love him to death. I also have my best friend who also has aspergers. He just entered into a relationship with a woman 20+ years older than him. I’m very happy for him but also weary at the same time. I know age is just a number and I wouldn’t mind dating a woman older than me but it still makes me nervous for him.
     Back to me, at the beginning of the year I started my relationship with Rachel for the second time. In 2013 she moved away to take a job in Minnesota. I didn’t want to follow her or try the long distance thing. You know the old saying,  if you love something, set it free. We did keep in touch occasionally. She let me know she was moving back at the beginning of 2015 and I invited her to move right in with me. Unfortunately we both wanted different things out of life, like children and split up in October. The girlfriend I had just before Rachel cheated on me, with a guy, while I was away for a week taking care of my Grandma. 
     I’ve never had much luck at all with women, sometimes it’s my fault and sometimes theirs. Everyone keeps saying to me, she’s out there or something similar to that effect. I’m actually getting used to the idea of being a lesbian spinster. Maybe I’m just thinking about it to much or expecting to much out of one person or I need to lower my standards just a hair and not compare my relationships to that of others.

Scott Weiland’s death reminded me of  how lucky I am and what a bitch drugs and alcohol can be.
     On my birthday this year I quit drinking, been over 2 months sober now. When I turned thirty I quit smoking. When I was twenty-eight I got myself off drugs. Now, I was never into anything hard or at least what I considered hard. I never did heroine or meth. I did do coke, acid, extacy, pot and just about any prescription drug that would make my body feel numb. Plus I drank serious amounts of alcohol. But I was lucky, I had people in my life who cared for me very much who helped me get clean. Family, friends, and a very special lady who took an interest in me, who ended up being my employer for the coffee shop. They all helped me get away from negative influences and into rehab. I never felt in danger from the drugs I was taking cause I never got into “the hard stuff”. I was so lucky to have these people in my life to point me in the right direction. Now, I’m very very lucky, I have an awesome job, a great apartment, I have awesome friends, and a fantastic family.
     Back to Scott, when I heard the news this morning, my head instantly dropped and my mind went back to when I saw him perform about 2 years ago at a local venue. I don’t think I have ever seen somebody as drunk as Scott was and actually be able to function. He sloppily moved around stage. He was being very obnoxious but sang beautifully. Scott sounded almost like his recordings. It was obvious he was used to being this intoxicated and maybe needed to be to be able to perform. After I thought of this I started to sob. Cause I know what a bitch addiction can be and was reminded of how lucky I am to have escaped the path I was headed down. I have such a loving family and caring friends. It would seem to me that Scott didn’t have this in his life and that made me cry harder.
      After I finished crying I had a big smile on my face cause I realized how lucky I am to have the life I do and I’m very thankful for that.