I used to wonder where homeless people came from. What personality flaws or bad decisions resulted in them living on the streets? Maybe they were too lazy to work or drunk all the time or mentally sick?
I know that’s incredible shallow, but that’s how I felt. I admit it. That was then, now I know better.
It is another late night, like any other night. Lillian – my mother who I had long time again stopped to call mom – is passed out drunk on the couch again after one of her many boyfriends had left.
I sigh and walk into the kitchen to scavenge for food. As usual Lillian has spent most of her money on cigarettes and alcohol but I manage to find some bread. It is a little stale but it will do for now.
I had only been six years old when I learned to cook.
I try to be quiet but unfortunately Lillian wakes up.
“Are you out there eating my food again?”
I sigh and walk into the living room. “What food? There’s hardly anything to eat besides this old bread”
“Quit your complaining, Lydia. I’m so sick of it”
I decide not to say anything and instead sit down on the couch. All I want is quietly eat my food and go to bed but unfortunately Lillian has other plans.
“At least I don’t have to worry more about your brat sister” She lets out a mean little laugh.
“What do you mean” I feel a cold shiver run down my spine. Gracie is the only light in my miserable existence.
“I got someone to come and pick her up tomorrow. Wish I could get you out of here too. You’re just too old and stupid and nobody wants an old and stupid kid like you”
“You can’t do that to us! To Gracie” I didn’t think that Lillian could be that evil.
“Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do. Now shut up or get out of my house like that useless father of yours”
With each word she shouts out, spit dot my cheeks. Her words is flying at me like daggers, stabbing into each part of my skin.
I can feel tears stinging behind my eyes and have to suck in long, hard breaths because I refuse to cry; I stopped crying long time ago.
Instead I lift my head and stare hard at her and breathe in the alcohol that was infused in her breath. I stand and walk into the kitchen to put away my plate. I don’t know that Lillian is following me until I hear her voice again.
“You’re so ungrateful, Lydia. Get over yourself. That’s why your father left”
“He left because you’re a monster”, I shout back.
She then wince, and next slap me. I stare at her without words. It seems as if the torment I feel is never enough for her satisfaction.
Lillian walks away and I know she will soon pass out again. I also know what I have to do, and a little later I find myself sneaking into Grace’s room and tip toe quietly over to her.
“Wake up” I whisper to her while gently shaking her awake.
It takes her a minute to sleepily sit up in the rickety bed.
“What is it Lydia?”, she asks with a groggy voice.
“We have to go” I say.
“Where? Why?”
“I just need you to listen to me and be brave now. I’ll explain later”
She doesn’t ask more questions and put on her clothes and I grab an extra shirt for her.
We quiet walk out the door to leave our childhood home.
I have fifty-six dollars in my pocket that I took from Lillian’s purse.
“Wait!” Grace suddenly says, her voice louder than what I need her to be.
“What? You have to be quiet”
“Big Bear! I need him. We left him”
I look over my shoulder. Soon Lillian will wake up and if she sees me running off with Grace… well I don’t know what she will do. I just can’t risk it.
‘I’m sorry Grace, I’ll get you a new bear. I promise”
“No, please. Please don’t leave him. Please Lydia”
I close my eyes while shaking my head again, my hand wraps tightly around hers as I pull her away from the house. I can hear her quiet whimpers, then sobs and all I can do is keep walking.
I buy tickets at the train station. I don’t know where to go and ask for tickets to a rural area. Far from big cities.
After three hours we get off the train and by then Grace is asleep. I don’t know how long I walk after that but the sun is starting to rise. I have carried Gracie for a while and finally have to put her down when my arms cann’t stand the strain anymore.
As sore as my arms are, my feet are aching horribly and I know Gracie’s feet must be tired as well. Yet she doesn’t complain. Six years old and it is like she understand and yet I know she doesn’t.
“Are we there yet?”
“I don’t know, Grace.”
“When will we get there?”
“You will know soon.” I hope it is true.
I’m not sure where to go to be honest but I had bought tickets as far away as I could. There is lots of land out here and I tell myself I will find a place we can stay if we just keep passing enough houses.
I have to.
I keep walking till it is about two hours later, by now I am carrying Grace again. I know I have to stop walking, I just need a little rest. That is all, I tell myself.
I spot a large tree from where I stand and look around, There is no one in sight. It will have to do, I think to myself.
“Is this our new home?” Grace ask when we step into the grassy area. She looks around with large, blue eyes.
“No, Gracie. I just need a little rest, that’s all”, I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.
“Just don’t go too far away, I’m just going to close my eyes, okay?”
She nods and skips off to inspect some large rocks, turning one of them over before digging in the dirt underneath it. At least she seems content for now.
I let out a deep sigh. How am I ever going to do this? I don’t know.
All I know is that I had to get out of there. I had no other choice. Not just for me;
It was all that I I could to save Grace.
Saving Grace 