When it’s love, you always have that pit in your stomach when you think about her

When it’s love, doing things with her feels like a roller coaster ride

When it’s love, doing things for her feels like a privilege

When it’s love, her scent smells better than the freshest flowers

When it’s love, you will do anything to keep her

When it’s love, she fills my heart with cotton candy

When it’s love, my own wishes are often forgotten

When it’s love, time apart is more painful, even though we are together in spirit

When it’s love, just thinking about her makes my pulse quicken

When it’s love, no obstacle is too high

When it’s love, time stands still

When it’s love, there is no doubt

When it’s love, my mind fills with her, and I cannot think

When it’s love, I want to be a better man

When it’s love, I know I am worthy of her

When it’s love, she knows she is worthy of me

When it’s love, the world fades away

When it’s love…

I Melt With You – Modern English – lyrics

Moving forward using all my breath
Making love to you was never second best
I saw the world thrashing all around your face
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace

I’ll stop the world and melt with you
You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time
There’s nothing you and I won’t do
I’ll stop the world and melt with you

(You should know better)
Dream of better lives the kind which never hate
(You should see why)
Dropped in the state of imaginary grace
(You should know better)
I made a pilgrimage to save this humans race
(You should see why)
What I’m comprehending a race that long gone bye

(I’ll stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you
(I’ll stop the world) You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time
(Let’s stop the world) There’s nothing you and I won’t do
(Let’s stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you

The future’s open wide

(Let’s stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you
(Let’s stop the world) I’ve seen some changes but it’s getting better all the time
(Let’s stop the world) There’s nothing you and I won’t do
(Let’s stop the world) I’ll stop the world and melt with you

The future’s open wide

hmmm hmmm hmmm
hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
hmmm hmmm hmmm
hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm

I’ll stop the world and melt with you (Let’s stop the world)
You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time (Let’s stop the world)
There’s nothing you and I won’t do (Let’s stop the world)
I’ll stop the world and melt with you (Let’s stop the world)
I’ll stop the world and melt with you (Let’s stop the world)
I’ll stop the world and melt with you (Let’s stop the world)

Saying goodbye to my BabyGirl

Her side…

You remember when we first met. You had your tail between your legs. You shook. You looked lost, alone, afraid. I reached out slowly. I let you sniff my hand. You did not lick it that day. I stroked your head a bit. You did not relax. Your world had been turned upside down. You had been taken from your home. You were in shock.

A few days passed. You began to explore your new “kennel” and your new roomies. You discovered that squatting anywhere was no longer permitted. In fact, there were loud noises from the roomies when you squatted in certain places. Soon, you decided to squat in the one place they allowed you. And this was ok for you. You did not mind. You felt a sense of duty to keep the new roomies happy.

Time passed. You developed a bond with these large kennel mates. You would do anything for them. If you saw one of those gray critters in the trees, you would bark wildly, letting them know they were not welcome within eyesight of the kennel. You got to smell them also, when you were allowed to walk outside the kennel walls. They smelled nasty! You vowed to never let them inside!

One day, you went for a dreaded car ride to that building with many others like you. Your kennel mates abandoned you there. You barked for them, knowing they needed you to protect them from those gray critters. Soon, the big people with white coats came. They tried to be nice, but nothing doing. You were not going to let them comfort you. Then you got very sleepy…

You woke up, and the first thing you noticed was a pain in your belly. You tried to investigate, but that is when you realized there was a big thing around your neck! It was heavy. It was ugly. And, it would NOT come off, no matter what you did. When your kennel mates came back, you were delighted to see them. They made that funny sound as you pulled at the leash. They were happy to see you!

Back to the kennel. What you did not know; you would have that thing on your neck for a long time. You could eat and drink. However, you could not play ball or rings, and you could not check that sore spot on your belly. You did not mind though. It was home! And no longer was a kennel. It was now a den, your den!

A few days later, you had to go for another car ride to that same place. What will happen this time? You shook in fear. The people with the white coats touched you in a few places. Grrrr bark bark! When they left, we went back to the den. Then, one of the roomies reached over and the big thing on your neck fell off. Freedom at last! You rolled. You sniffed your belly. You ran. Oh what a feeling!

You developed a special bond with the one that took you for long walks. We went to so many places. You remember the place where I would say “You ready?”, then we ran fast! I even let you check for messages at all the fence posts, fire hydrants, and telephone poles. We walked so many times. You remember when I made sounds, you would look back. You could sense what the sounds meant. You loved to look back at me. You were proud to be with me!

You knew where we would stop. We had a favorite tree, and when we got there, you would lay on your belly and slide along the cool grasses. You never understood why I would walk past all those other dark cool spots, only to stop at the same place. Why not stop at all of them? When you saw those gray critters, you still wanted to get them. I would not let you.

There was one special night, when I was very down. I asked if you wanted “outside, go for walk” and you said YES! It was hard to see that time. The sky was dark. It was a bit cool. We walked and walked. I talked a lot that time. I talked about love. I talked about God. I talked about change. You did not understand these things, but you were so proud of being with me. We finally went back to the den. You were tired, but in a good way.

Not long after that walk, your big friend was gone. I did not walk you any more. My scent faded. The spot where you used to wait for me to notice you, under the desk, was cold and lonely. You waited there a few times, but I did not come. You were sad and alone. You still think about me. You remember running with me, the wind feeling so good on your face. And now it is over. You will never forget.

My side…

I miss you girl. You and I went through some things. You were the constant in my life when it changed. I knew you would always be there for me. No matter what my day was like, you were thrilled when I was near.

There are many kinds of love in the world. There is a parent’s love for a child. There is a lover’s love for their partner. But there is no love stronger than a dog’s love for a person, nor my love for you. You were the best dog I could ever hope to have. I will always compare other dogs to you. Rest assured that my heart has a large chunk missing; the chunk I gave to you. I gave it without condition. I gave it because I knew you would always defend it. And I know you gave me so much more. I will always be indebted. Thank you for your unwavering love.

Goodbye BabyGirl….
 

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Mocha and Me slideshow 

I have been somewhat silent these last couple of months, because I cannot write something I don’t feel. However, I have had something going on in my world that has been both enlightening and sobering. It is….watching Mom begin to leave my life.

I knew her mind was gone, at least most of it. She suffers from dementia. Most of the time, she is in a fairyland, with children playing, balloons floating, sand in her pants. Sometimes, like a loose wire, the lights come back on in her brain, and she surfaces back to her 83 years old self, but these events are becoming very rare. These are the moments that give me a short period of time to say thanks.

Mom has always been a stubborn Irish woman. Never was that more clear than an incident that occurred after her husband, my father, left her for another woman. She became the sole parent of 6 children. Dad was busy showing off his new trophy wife to his bar buddies, while Mom struggled to feed her kids on a short order cook salary. She began to get behind. She hated to ask for help, but our needs overcame her pride. She went to the state Welfare department. After a few hours of filling out forms, waiting in lines, and staring at the floor, she finally was granted an interview with a welfare worker. The worker told her that she needed to sell her house, then she would have money for the kids. When this money was gone, she would then qualify for assistance. Mom stood up, and told this woman “F*** You! I have worked my entire life, never asking for help. This is the way I am treated? F*** all of you!” I should mention that Mom was never one for profanity, abhorred it when I used it. This was completely out of character for her, but her anger and frustration had become too much. She began to work a second job, giving her little time for her kids. It did feed them, and kept the heat paid for.

While that was occurring, my brother and I had moved out, so we had no idea what was going on back home. We had our own struggles as boys becoming men, looking at their first experience living on our own, with limited income. When this story got to me, I felt pride. I knew how embarrassed she had to be to ask for help, but her response to being told NO was classic Mom. In the end, she won her battles with tight finances. She never lost the love and respect of her kids. We all knew she wanted to be there, but food for her kids matters more.

Fast forward about 25 years….

I began to work a well-paying  job for a large company. I decided to take Mom to a resort for a long weekend, to let her relax. Also along was a brother, a sister and her fiancé, and myself. We went to a classy resort on the shores of Lake Superior, my treat. I think we had been there 5 minutes. I was busy emptying the cooler into the fridge, when my sister came rushing in, frantic. In her hands were Mom’s eyeglasses, mangled and bloody. She wants to call for 911, but there is no telephone in the cabins. They had electric self start fireplaces, and two jacuzzi tubs, but no phones; people come to soak, not chat. I look out the large window to see my brother and my sister’s fiancé doing a fireman carry of Mom, her face bloodied. Apparently, she had slipped on some of those large rocks that lead down to the water’s edge, and did a face plant onto another of the rocks.

My sister rushed to the main office, and an ambulance was summoned from Two Harbors, about 20 miles away. She was taken to the hospital, where she had some stitches. She also had a couple of broken fingers, from clutching her beer as she fell. Old Irish brain glitch. I followed the ambulance to the hospital. After about an hour, she was released, and we started to head back. She was a ghastly sight, her arms bruised, her face still bloody. I offered to take her home, so she could recover. She looked at me like I was crazy, and said  “Are you kidding me?”

We went back, Everyone was happy. We made jokes. I told her we would all go to a  legendary nearby pie shop, and make comments to her loudly, such as “You want more of the same? Then you better be paying the tab here also” She proceeded to have a splendid time, despite her obvious pain. I am absolutely thrilled that we had that weekend together.

And now…

Mom has been living in a memory care unit, because the dementia has taken a firm grip on her mind. She had bouts of wandering, and that is a death sentence, particularly in Minnesota during the winter. Recently, she developed pneumonia, and was taken to a nearby hospital. I went to visit her, and she was chipper as usual, wanting to get the heck out of there. I felt good about her prognosis for a speedy recovery.

There was a setback, a large one. She was moved to ICU.  When I saw her on my next visit, she was dying.

My family gathered around her bed. She did not know us. She did not know herself. She just looked ready to go to sleep, forever. We were called into a meeting with one of the staff of the ICU med team. We began to discuss the options for reviving her, i.e. CPR, DNR, and other letters that mean saying goodbye to Mom, after 83 years. We knew she did not want to be kept alive by machines. She had always told me “I don’t want to be a bummer to you guys” meaning, let me go when the time comes.

The meeting ended, and we went back to the room, to say goodnight to her. Kisses were given, hands held. Not one to show emotions, I remained stoic, as is my style. We slowly headed out, since we had to let the staff do their jobs. I was doing fine, until I got to my car. There, I wept like a baby.

I went back the next day…..

There she was, sitting up. TV was on. Watching Golf Channel. She knew us. She smiled. A miracle.

I now believe in Santa Claus, because he gave me Mom for Christmas.

February 17, 2010.

A postscript now; Mom passed away this morning. She left behind a family of 6 children, 3 grandchildren, and countless friends. I am both saddened and happy. Her gift to me is my way with words. I will honor her gift until I can no longer write. To those whose lives she touched, be glad you knew her.