Sazzy’s. It’s BlindSublime.

I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my entire life. Today I felt my life was entirely in the hands of one man.

I felt scared to the point I could feel blood rushing up to my head giving me a splitting headache. I felt nauseas and the next thing I knew, I was looking through my phone book to call the next alternative.

Suddenly it dawned upon me how important money is to me. That I was almost willing to give my dignity away. That I will deny myself all in the name of money. I felt like I deserve to die for being careless with the faith and trust he has given me.

Do I really want to work for somebody who will hold me hostage like this to the point that my life is secondary but his is my priority? I cannot promise time, place, moments, love & life?

I want all this, I crave for this kind of lifestyle. I want to be stressed with work that I love till there is no time to think about anything else. Money is above all to me. I no longer want to live a pointless mediocre life.

I saw this statement as the top searches which was linked to my blog. I hope someday this will come true.
“When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you’re scared she won’t love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more.”

I want to love you, you know I do but I can’t because I don’t want to lose you. White wine will do just fine, btw.

To love or hate, which one is better? It’s quite impossible to stop both feelings. It’s not possible to ignore them either.

I am like that. Once I make a decision, I make sure I stick to it. The only way to do it is the way I’m doing it now. That’s just me, if I once love you too much, I will hate you as much. It’s a fact and I will not deny it. I embrace love the same way I embrace hatred. I can’t stop it and I can’t remove it. It just come naturally. There is no way I can stop the process, never happened, never will.

Sigh, I can’t stop the the whole fucking process. I just need to focus. Love money, they won’t let you down, even if you let them down, it’ll be your lost. Yes!

Hmm, did you take the pill?

No.

Hmm, that’s good.

Arrghh, banking was totally crap today. All the machines seem to be faulty and the ones that work, the queue was unbearable. My day was already disturbed when a friend called to tell me she has some sort of cancer but refuse to let me in on the full story. She said she doesn’t want me to get all mushy and stuff. Sigh, then don’t tell me!

Then I received a text message from a colleague. Basically he was venting his jealousy because my boss happened to favour me more. Well, some people are just born with it. Accept and bleed…

It was suppose to be a perfect day following a perfect night. Well, the perfect night redeemed it all. Thanks babe.

Apparently my love for easy money will get me into trouble. Everybody should like easy money but my love for easy money goes beyond comprehension. Oh well, life is not all about money, it’s just what life is.

I have decided that I am going to try my best to ignore easy money and purposefully go for “difficult money”. Pfffttt… yeah right. Ok, read this.

People born in the year of Horse are popular and attractive to the opposite sex. Horse desire for love and intimacy, which can be a double-edged sword for them since it often leads the Horse to feel trapped. Love connections tend to come easily to Horses, since they display the kind of raw sex appeal that is a magnet to others.

Horse tend to come on very strong in the starting of a relationship, having an almost inborn sense of romance and seduction. Horse are seducers in general. This Sign possesses intelligence, a sharp sense of humour and a radiant presence, they really know how to work a crowd. Surprisingly, Horse have the tendency to feel a bit inferior to their peers, a mistaken belief that causes them to drift from group to group out of an illogical fear of being exposed as a fraud.

Horse tend not to look much at the broader picture, instead they just follow their own idea, which can result in a path of prematurely ended relationships, jobs, projects and so on. Horse really know how to encourage and motivate others and get a lot of accomplishments. Once they locate some peace within themselves, they can control their wandering tendencies and learn to appreciate what is in their own backyard.

Horse are restless people who love roaming from one place or project to the next. All of this Sign’s constant activity and searching may be to satisfy a deep-rooted desire to fit in. Horse feel a simultaneous strong desire for independence and freedom.

Horse can be egoistic and impatient. Horse best partner or lover is the Sheep, Tiger or Dog. Avoid the Rat!

Heeeeheeheehe… beware people… nites!!!

I was in a hotel room. I can’t really sleep that night. I took zopm. Felt fabulous. You know where your bag is, you know where keys are, what you don’t know is what you are doing.

I did the unthinkable. Don’t really want to disclose the despicable things I did under the influence of this drug.

What I want to say is, whatever I did that night was not me. It didn’t come from me sincerely. And it is still the same. I still want to be alone and single. I’m sorry I made a mistake. My flesh is indeed weak.

Please understand what we had was great but it is not what I want. Please don’t force it on me.

You know me and you should know what I do not like and what will make me defensive. I do not want it, I’m sorry and I am the type that I will not turn back and change my decision.

I will treat you better once I know you have moved on. I will. You do not want to make me run.

I’m selfish and cruel, no doubt. Splurge your love elsewhere.

Someone told me I do not have the ability to love because I am not exceptionally heartbroken at this point of time. But I do not think so. I’m heartbroken. I just chose not to embrace the feeling. I chose to put it aside. It will probably accumulate but I choose to wait for it to burst.

By that time, it probably wouldn’t matter anymore because the time to regret had passed and there is no turning back. I do not see the reason for me to ponder upon ‘what ifs’. I do not want to put the person I care about through the roller coaster ride all over again. And I know myself, I will probably give in only to realize it is impossible and then I will have to kill myself to see the person suffer again.

Go and have a future. I’m sorry if I have hindered anybody from achieving their dreams. It is not too late. Especially if your heart still desires the dream. It will come true. I know the person I love, I know them which is why I chose them. I see their future so bright I could not stand not loving them. Don’t let me rob the light away. Be strong and go forth. Do complete the dream. It is the dream you were born to complement. I would very much like to see that happen.

You can be the angel I used to know, perhaps even better. I’ll be here for you.