If only I was old enough to have been there that day
If only what he said would come true today
If only he could have lived long enough
If only the world wasn’t so tough
If only peace was the path
If only humans didn’t show their wrath
If only non-violence was the choice
If only love was our loudest voice
If only he was here right now
If only fate would have allowed
If only love could prevail
We would not fail
I guess I’m a person that needs lots of warmth, both physically and emotionally. It seems like the Universe always tests us though, and life becomes the grounds for learning about our needs. Nothing is ever handed to us, then how would we deepen and grow as a person. If, as a human who loves emotional closeness from those near to me, simply received it all the time, maybe it wouldn’t be as sweet when I did? I’m not sure. But it does seem like emotionally cool people are often in my circle, flickering to my flame. And sometimes this can feel like it sucks the oxygen out of my fire.
The world does this to me too. It always has, and always will, especially in these trying times. I cannot shut the world out. While I can limit the sound of the others who are out there, living, breathing, doing the best they can under the circumstances–I cannot, nor do I want to shut out completely my fellow humans. I share this planet with them…so far. I am not a hermit. Not yet anyway. And while I still live among others, I feel their pain, their lives rubbing up against mine. Those that can live in a bubble–I do not understand how one can compartmentalize their lives while they go about walking next to the rest of us. It’s just not something I fathom. It protects them from seeing something they may not want to I suppose, but that is just the point: wearing blinders as we walk through the world shows us only a limited perspective.
So, I choose to see it all, feel it all, hear it all, even if it hurts. It is hard to sort through what is real these days, and that is a sad thing. That hurts in, and of itself. But not looking at all, not being warm, choosing to be cool in a world that’s on fire–that seems the most painful thing of all.
Cotton clings
cold fluff caught
upon outstretched arms
It sits
waiting
to melt
like my heart
held
for too long
in the solitary
silence
from which I stare
For those of you who know the rift that had existed between my oldest daughter and me for some time, I share this quick post. Recently I received an unexpected package in the mail. She had asked for my mailing address recently, and I figured it was to send a thank you note for helping out with some unexpected costs incurred during her difficult child birth experience. I’m always happy to do such things, as my mother, her grandma, was also generous in this way with me (and us). But instead, I got a package from UPS late one night from her.
I was very excited to open it, as I don’t receive much from my kids. It’s fine, they are busy and I don’t need much either. I’ve always impressed upon them that there are other ways besides ‘things’ that are important to give, although, admittedly, I’m a big gift giver myself. Usually I give homemade or recycled things–items that were precious to me. It’s rare that I buy something, but on occasion, I do.
When I opened the box, inside was a card, with incredibly beautiful sentiments, thanking me for all I’ve done recently. The acknowledgement meant the world to me. It’s easy for me to feel forgotten and disregarded in general, it’s my internal history, but especially when it comes to her. So this was such a blessing. Inside was a wrapped gift that contained a book filled with photos, pulled from the app they use to post all the pictures of my grand kids and some of them as a family. It brought me to tears. For sure, I’m the sentimental one of my two daughters and me–those gals being more reticent, at least to me anyway. This window into their world showed me something I don’t often get to see of my daughter, a softer side, the motherly side, the grown up woman shining her love on her family. It was incredibly beautiful.
When I thought about how she took the time, amidst the chaos of giving birth, being hospitalized after it, having guests in and out, having a newborn, having a two year old…recovering, yet still taking the time to send me this gift, I was touched. It almost meant more than the gift itself. The inscription in the book (which is something I always do when I give a book to someone), was so warm too, yet another sign that we are mending.
I sent her a card to let her know just how much it meant to me so she would have something tangible to read someday. And I will keep the card she sent inside the book. Today her sister and my ex are flying to visit them all. I’m melancholy that it’s not me, but my time will come, because like the note said: she is looking forward to me meeting my grandson and for me to get to know my granddaughter better and spend more time with her.
Me too.
On this windy day, which was not as warm as I expected, the eagle has returned. And with it, my continued strength and confidence. Birds have long been my power animals, and I have particularly felt that hawk and hummingbird were my two closest. But since living near this amazing river, I’ve become quite attached to eagle. It’s quiet and elegant power, which seems to be used only when necessary, is something to be admired. I’ve witnessed it soaring solo, and also seeming to play with its mate while teaching their eaglet the way of the world. It’s been a delight.
I guess I understand at least one thing about America, and that’s why the eagle is our national bird. I can see why it must have been chosen so long ago. Its majesty, farsightedness, and longevity of their relationships inspired those who understood what it would represent.
And so, fast forwarding to another great frontier and American who believed that humans could go anywhere, Buzz Aldrin so famously said, “Tranquility Base here, the Eagle has landed,” just before that first step for mankind…
Peace.
During this time of cultural unrest and inhumanity in my country of America, I still believe the best way to cultivate togetherness is by practicing immersion. If we immerse ourselves directly in the cultures of others through their food, stores, practices, stories, families and the everyday things they do, then we can see that they are just like us, and may have gifts to teach us.
I’m currently learning Tai Chi on the internet. I came to it because of my injury and find it incredibly helpful and relaxing. Years ago I used to poo-poo it as not aerobic enough for me, because I felt everything I did had to get my heart rate up to the point where I could barely breath. Now I see how foolish this was, and, in the long run, how it ended up hurting me. These slow, more intense movements, that include balance and awareness, can be just as challenging and are much easier on this old body. I’m hooked and can’t wait to advance. I secretly always wished I had become a dancer, and this feels so much like dancing…it’s lovely.
As a non-meat eater for almost 50 years, one of the first things I do when I move somewhere new is look for a cultural market of some type. They generally will sell the freshest vegetables, plus they often have the most interesting food sources and best prices! I have found they are family owned for the most part, departing from the mega-chains like Wal-mart, so I feel very good about spending my money at them. The folks are friendly, remember me every time I go in and I love shopping in them. I don’t see lots of people who look like me in the store I shop in now, which I find sad, but I figure it’s their loss. If only more people went into these places, maybe there would be less hate and fear of others who didn’t look like them.
So, I will continue to seek out the ‘other’ so I can keep learning, and hope they want to learn about me. I heard Bernice King today speaking about what her Father preached. It’s all about Love! Mission Possible, she called it…yes, I believe so.
Uncluttered external space, means uncluttered internal space. At least temporarily for me. I love organizing, and it’s especially important considering we hope to sell the place. Now, with enhanced AI features where realtors can make your home look virtually empty online, it surely helps, but anyone interested will eventually visit your space. That means, all your ‘stuff’, as George Carlin so aptly put it, has gotta either go, or be hidden away.
I begin the daunting task. How could it be that only 2 short years ago I moved here with so little? Does anyone want my mother’s vast collection of classical music CD’s? I gave half of them to someone already, but I still have a ton. I didn’t have the heart to toss them, but I know everyone streams music now…except my mom. Maybe some vintage freak will want them, but they usually collect vinyl, like me. I have some of her records too, but those are gold!
Anyway, wish me luck!
If only the world could be as tolerant as dogs
They love no matter what
unconditionally
even when treated poorly
They still believe the world
is good
and humans
can once again
be trusted
Coming hurt
and broken
to someone who cares
To be mended
and loved
Dogs learn to let go
of the pain
and forget
But humans hold their pain
and use it as a weapon
lashing outward
at whatever walks in their path
Leaving a trail of tears
debris
and broken dreams
of a world where tolerance
is a gift we learn
from dogs
Waking up has become somewhat of a challenge lately on a number of fronts. The biggest one has become my body and the aches (pain) I often feel. This has been an incredible discouragement for me, someone who has been able to move for most of my life with relative ease. While I did have to give up running as a sport, something that hurt my soul, I found many other exercises that allowed me to move my body and satisfy my activeness. And now, whether all the activity has come to haunt me, or it’s simply age catching up to me, I rise out of bed, often after poor sleep, feeling like I’ve been rolled down a mountain.
But this isn’t the only part of my life I find taxing. The experts tell me that loneliness is part of a senior’s life. It seems that I shouldn’t be experiencing it as I have a partner. The problem is that he’s younger and works mega hours, usually 6 days per week. When I moved here, I did so to be near a best friend, and I thought also other folks I knew from previously living in this state. As it happens, that best friend and I no longer speak (after 45 some years) and I never really ended up seeing any of the other people either. At my age, and my present stage of life, I honestly don’t often meet new people that I choose to have long-term friendships with anymore. I’m much fussier than I was in my younger years. This puts me in the position, though, of being alone a lot. Which, at times, can be a lonely one.
So, between being by myself a lot and my body seeming to betray me, I’ve had some real moments of reflection. Luckily, I’m pretty resilient in many ways too, so I have been figuring out some ways to combat both these issues. Being completely aware of how short our lives can be, I refuse to dwell on the negative parts, even if they can be so terribly distracting at times. That’s why I train myself to look away and find other things to focus on. And, I actively work to change my situation.
I’ve been rehabilitating my body the best that I can for now, being careful not to overdo it, something that I unfortunately have a habit of doing. One of the few good things I can say about the internet is how many great videos there are available to help someone in my position, as long as you do your research. With all the surrounding care that comes with injuries, aging and pushing too hard, I hope to at least to get back to where I was before I felt so debilitated in the morning.
And my partner and I have made the decision to move. We are leaving here and going back to the state where we met and where our kids live. There are many other factors involved with this move also, but this has lifted my spirits immensely. His too! It was a great experiment living here together, but now we want our own home together in a place we love, not a condo that I picked.
Part of my rehab is trying to slowly begin to go walking again. Today was an amazing day, with the sun shining down. Some birds were out, chirping, wondering if spring might be here soon. I’m no fool, living in New England to think this is the end of winter, but wow, just a little bit of Vitamin D can go a long way to making us feel like everything might just work out after all! I know it will.
I carry a leaf
Upon the drool on my chin
Making humans grin
secondhalfwoman 