Older, none the wiser

Archaic to the point of obsolescence
yet the crown on our heads we can't shake off
this rot will spread if not curtailed
but in this country, if you're older you're respected by default
whatever your viewpoint may be
archaic
     to the point of
            obsolescence
your ears aren't weak because of age
they're weak because they were never exercised
I'm angry with you, grandfather
because if you're supposed to be the well-educated one
what hope can I keep from the rest?
I think the cleanup is required
starting from my own home.

Growing up is fucked up

this is how growing up must feel
a glass of wine
and a good dance track can solve everything
the problems get bigger
but solutions unilateral
above sea level
or under another body
for a night or two
can solve everything

nothing shocks, nothing surprises us
nothing hurts or revises us
little less scared of being yourself
so very scared of being too much of yourself
more fingers pointed
lesser fucks given
(unless they were the fun kind)
more smiles, but fewer laughs
only obtuse peaks on the life graph
this is how growing up must feel

rationale that derides passion
dismissing 'ssomething for the teens
giving up, giving in,
giving up, giving in,
giving up, giving in,
we're so tired of this cycle
no strength to fight, to disagree
we accept life as an unavoidable chore
while the pain that surrounds us
like a faint humming sound
remains a permanent fixture

no plans, no dreams for the future
living each day as if it's our last
sometimes wishing that it were, infact,
our last
maybe that can solve everything
and we can avoid
growing up even more
and maybe that will solve everything

Thank you

I breathe a cold mind
unexpectation strikes; even hurt
makes me smile silly

Square One is a titillating bitch

If you could only see yourself

Like replaying CCTV footage

Like your best mirror

All your head laughs and

All the times you put your hand on his tender face

And twisted your hair around your finger

Kissing with eyes shut so tight

Your meaningless discretions of

Jumping on a trampoline of rebounds

Square 1 is a titillating bitch

And you were on 365! (Sigh)

If you could only see what I see

You have the remote

Press play now or destroy the tape

What does your mind say?

Are you jumping from the 2nd floor again?

Breaking all your bones again?

What does one say to a grown person

Except drill some unnecessary words

Before they make their mistakes

My ear is all I can give to you

‘cause my throat is dry

Are you so tired of being strong

all you want to feel is helpless?

I know it’s comfortable

Sleeping on a mattress of illusions

But every soft fibre is turning to needles

And weakening your spine

Volatile joy, such volatile joy

Later all you will smell is a faint odor of gasoline

While you’re dizzy with your pain

Are you falling from the 2^nd floor again?

Breaking all your bones again?

You’re the lost cause I’m nursing

And I will nurse when you fall

I will keep a bottle of calcium and some bandages ready

My friend, my sister, my Cristina.

Cuziz all 'bout the money

I've become a saver. Not that I have jars marked "Wedding", "Hot dress" and the likes, but I like to see a certain amount of money in my account for all time (after my education loan has sucked up a third of my pay). That money will always be there - for a house I don't know when I'll rent, a car I may or may not buy, expensive sophisticated audio equipment to propel me in my musical endeavors, a foreign vacation I dare to take in the near future or simply, a rainy day.

Back in 2007, when I was living out of home, I specifically recall seeing a balance of Rs 19 in my salary account, with one whole week to go for my next month's pay. That state of panic is rather difficult to describe. I even thought of asking my then boyfriend for help, for I will never ask my parents. Too much pride, you see. I've never been daddy's little girl swiping his credit card, never had half a trust fund and the only kind of silver spoon I've ever seen is a silver plated one for my meals.

There are days I think - why wasn't I born into a rich family? I was traveling by the Metro today and this girl was talking to her friends saying "My dad is gonna buy me a Chevrolet Beat and Galaxy S3" And here I am, who's family just asked her to contribute a part of her salary to the household (which in no way do I think is unjustified) Moreover, I had to lie to my parents about the cost of the phone I recently bought with my own money because I thought they'll get a heart attack if I didn't.

I constantly worry about money, and it's not because I'm a miser. I worry because I don't ever want to see the day when I have to beg, borrow or steal. Pretty sure I'm not even winning a lottery ever because the ticket might be too expensive :P There is an inexplicable thrill in being able to buy any thing that you want, without looking at the price tag, when you've made the effort to save. I hope you know what I'm talking about :)

How relationships make us animals

The title of this post is little misleading. Basically what I want to do is present this analogy that my brain created while having a conversation with a friend.

Statement 

People in relationships are like pet dogs. Single people are like stray dogs.

How

Pet dogs have fixed timings for their meals. They know when they're getting some, how much amount, they like the food, sometimes they get a little variety too. They don't have to be insecure or stress over their next meal. These dogs are happy, don't snap a lot and pretty much focus on loving their family, which in turn makes them more lovable and harmless, not to mention mentally and physically beautiful.

Quite like people in relationships who get a healthy and regular dose of sex. Even the long distance relationship folks have better guarantee of their next time, even if it's 2 months or so. The odds are better than for a person who's single (unless you're a playa) They work better, are gentle, warm, also their skin always glows. They don't look desperate, putting their mouth everywhere, thus no chances of their reputation getting tarnished.

Stray dogs are vicious. They'll hunt for food everywhere. Clean, rotten, from the road, from a dumpster, it doesn't matter. Their standards are low as survival is key. There's no concept of quality control. And they constantly hope there's more where that came from. 

We single people are like strays. Need I explain?

Deer in headlights

I'm just a lost bird
Wings are clipped partially

I'm a deer in headlights
Blinded by the fear

You do not make it easy
To voice a little pain

I'm just your woman
With few broken nails

Update for general sanity

Wow, haven't written in so long.

I'll tell you the deal with me. When I'm happy and content, I spend more time experiencing than writing. I'm not big on photographs either. Most of the time I don't understand peoples' need to update people on everything - what airline lounge/5-star hotel they're checked into, exactly what restaurant are they eating at on their honeymoon, or simply 20 self shots in the same photo album. Please discount my Twitter account, that's just to ward off a little loneliness from time to time.

I also do not write when I don't wish to share. (Which is rare considering how much I talk!) Some things are very personal to me. Like I'll barely talk about my friends here, because I love them to death. They're all mine. What they say, what they think...it's mine to keep. My two different friends circles also don't know much about each other, it's that extreme! :P My general love is intense and it's not on display. I love when I love. I don't have to prove a point. And then sometimes I'm scared it'll elude me after a bit. It has happened quite a bit. It's no fun losing people right after you thought they were gonna stay a while and made a big huge declaration about it.

About half a month ago, I joined a company I've wanted to work with for a long time. People who know me, know what a big deal it is for me. And though I'm scared as hell, 'cause I wanna be good at this more than anything I've wanted in a very very long time, this is quite possibly the most exciting thing that's happened to me in recent past. I've learnt more here in half a month than I did in the last one year at my previous organization and, if you ask me, that's a hell of a reason to wake up every morning.

So you get why it took me so long to make this post? I'm a little in love with life right now.

Sorry I have nothing profound, interesting or poetic to say. I just wanted to write because this blog is important to me and it bothered me to not have made a post in a while :)

Can I just say one more thing? Push your limits. Go for it. You'll never know until you try.

Cloudsuicide

Family of little bunnies

parted by air

dancing with the breeze

and the traction of aeroplanes

One hefty grandpa

suffers an existential crisis

contemplates death of self

Worried, he looks misty and dark

and immobile

how will his kin survive, without him,

the stratospheric turmoil?

He gathers them around

one last time

briefs them about the mass exodus

Explains to them his plan will fail

if they don't dive together

Naive father-mother, innocent bubbly children
tie themselves to one another

All three generations say a little prayer

unbuckle their seat belts and jump souther

Rapidly, tumbling down

running away from the hole in the sky

galloping through air

they've swallowed distance completely

When they fall on my parched skin

in rain and hail and sleetly

I look up at the sky

This is no ordinary noise

but thunderous applause

Grandpa, you've finally reached your destiny

and this suicide seems to be the probable cause.

Words

Must you keep your words locked
In a tiny little box?
They feel of wood, they smell of wine
And they sound of whispers divine
Does everyone have a key?
Does everyone have the key, but me?
What if I say Please?
Dear friend,
I won't pretend
I can't pretend
You know me well
And your words that have always meshed with mine
Do they fear me now?
Conversations changing in an instant
To uncomfortable silences
I can taste the bile parchness in my mouth
We're woefully overcompensating, but
We can get past this bump in the road, I believe.
Though you're not offering me yours
Here are a few words of mine
Kiddo, hand me the coveted key
When you change your mind.

Tonight I Write

Oh I am there with you every second, yet I'm so far

and I cry, not because I can't write like you, 

but the beauty of the words

wash me away

and absolve me

I say out loud every single sentence

emoting, absorbing

feeling

the little drops of heaven, written for a young lady so lucky

and I wonder if she ever read them

and returned your love

in dime a dozen or 

never at all 

because she couldn't understand

feelings that she never felt;

I know how it feels, to have wasted countless words.

What secret did you hide

in that vortex you call your heart?

and did you die in bed with a lovely woman

twirling her hair 

touching her lips

finding the treasure,

or as a lonely man, accidentally inking your pocket

spending years imagining and longing tenderness

but thankful for the pain?

Because that's how we love

in the handcuffs of despair

a looney dog barking with hunger

a village without a source of water

we're lost like a broken compass

we're fighting, you and I,

we're fighting love, 

we're fighting for our right to love

we're romancing the threat 

to pull the rug from under its feet

the earth might meet the sky

and swallow us completely 

and I hope you'd catch my hand

before it slips

because I never want to say

I lived and never loved

I loved and never cried

I cried but never died

I died but never read Neruda.

Me on the piyanno!

Ohai! I made a cover of one of my favorite songs - Lithium by Evanescence. Took me really long to get this right - 4 difficult months to learn it on the piano and 2 months to get this far. Some chut has already Disliked it on YouTube :P Iz ok, I can handle it. Just needs to show I have to do better :) Yuss. Pliss to try and enjoy! :P

 

 It's not an Original Composition but I didn't have a better label to tag it with.

Sowie, fraanz

I want to start off by apologizing to everyone.

Megs, for not being able to attend your wedding and not calling you for three months to date. If you're reading this, I hope you're not very mad at me. I will call you soon, how soon I don't know. You were there encouraging me when I was super excited about planning to go to Malaysia last year and you were jealous but you were there, living vicariously through me. And I couldn't even wish you on one of the most important days of your life. I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry, but I think of you all the time. I guess I'm just not in the place where I want to listen to a giddy newly-married woman talk about how wonderful her life is. It makes me feel like shit, it really does.

Vasu, for promising you that we'll meet coming weekends but not doing so. I'll try and make up for it by dancing at your wedding all night long. Apparently I do a killer Hips Don't Lie.

My parents, for always sounding irritable. I wouldn't be able to deal with a kid like me. I don't even visit my cancer-recovering grandmother anymore. I mean, what value addition could I possibly make? My bro for bearing the brunt of all my bad days. Sharing the same room at 27 is really fucked up, you know :)

All of you who are happy, you make me feel inadequate. I really don't know what's up. Food has lost its flavor. Music has lost its meaning. Shopping has lost its charm. Work has lots its ambition. Masterchef has lost its joy. Weather has lost its effect. Everything's wrong, just wrong. I'm living my life, one day at a time, and not being able to look beyond that day. I have no plans, no hopes, nothing I'm looking forward to. I don't remember dates or what month we're in and sometimes even the year! I wake up with a frown, I go back to bed with a frown. I argue, I'm bitchy and mean. I cry during lunchbreaks. I don't feel like working, and that leaves me with even more time to ponder over how much my life sucks right now. I'm a terrible friend, an even worse lover (from whenever I last remember), a lazy employee, a non-familial family member, my stupid new phone also died on me.

Am I ok? No, I'm not ok. I've never felt this powerless. It's like my life is a car but I'm out of gas. But I haven't started drinking copiously or had thoughts of suicide, I'm not built that way. God, I wish there was some sort of mathematical equation that would show me a pattern and tell me when it'll be next that I'll be happy, find some sort of peace. The problem is, I don't even know what's bothering me. Actually, it's everything. At least when you know the one problem, you're able to work towards it. I don't even know where to start or if my efforts are leading anywhere at all. This perennial headache just doesn't seem to go away. Nothing distracts me from it either, infact everything else that tries to take my mind off things gets neglected. Even The Secret is not helping currently.

Dear friends, please be patient while I try to put my shit back together so I don't feel like the scum of the earth. Thanks. I hope you miss me. 

What women love and hate about men at the same time

Men can compartmentalize
To friends: My bf is incredible. Whatever's happening in his personal life never affects him professionally. And vice versa. I learn so much from him.

To him: Wtf! How can you just compartmentalize me like I'm an isolated part of your life? Why don't I ever affect you? How do you just go on with your day to day work without even bothering about how I'm feeling, while I stare at my phone waiting for you to call?

Men don't keep grudges.
To friends: Men are awesome. They fight and instantly make up.
To him: Don't be a sissy. You should really give it off to him.

Yes means Yes, No means No and I Don't Know means I Don't Know

Guy says Yes.

To him: You're sweet, you don't really mean that.
To friends: He's lying.

Guys says No.

To him: You're sweet, you don't really mean that.
To friends: He's lying.

Guy says I Don't Know.

To him: What are you hiding?
To friends: I'm sure he has a thing for that slut from his office.

Their feelings for Sachin Tendulkar
To friends: My bf is so cute. He literally had tears in his eyes when Sachin made his 200. Such a softy!

To him: You'll cry because someone, who can't possibly affect your life, achieved a milestone in their career? GODAWFULLAMENESS. Dravid retired. Boo-hoo get over it. Cricket is dead.

He bought you flowers, chocolates and teddys
To friends (before the break up): I'm overwhelmed! I never thought he had it in him. I can't believe he went through all this trouble. You should read what he wrote inside the card!

To friends (after the break up): I mean, after 6 years of being in a relationship he didn't know that I'm not the candy and flowers kind of a girl. The split was inevitable. #truestory

His feelings regarding shopping

He hates shopping

To him: I feel so alone, I need you to come with me. Pleeeeeease?

He loves shopping

To him: My God, you've tried seven T-shirts, pick two already! I still haven't bought any of what I needed. I'm sorry, did you just ask the Customer Service guy the benefits of the loyalty card? #truestory

They lech
To others: I hate it when men lech at us women. Where are the NGOs I say?
To self: I love it when men lech after me, makes me feel so sexy!

I completely understand why men have so much difficulty understanding women.

Ooh baby baby, it's a wild world

Rini here asked me to tell some stories from my childhood so I went digging into my past. Obviously a lot of stories are partially hearsay, you know like "Remember the time I was leaving for office and you peed on my formals?" Ehhhh...no, I don't. I didn't know peeing on clothes was a bad thing. At that age it was kinda involuntary, you know?

My dad keeps telling me how when I was born the nurses used to flock the nursery to gawk at me. I was the cutest little thing they had ever seen. My mom was going through some rough shit - her malaria and my low blood sugar, so she couldn't see me for about a day. And all the nurses used to gush and tell her "You have such a bonny baby!" which irritated her even more.

I don't know about bonny but given my short height, I'm certainly boni and given my plumpness, certainly not bony.

I was a cranky kid, not that I like to admit, but I wasn't the kind to mix up with everybody. I had my 2-3 specific people I would be chipkoed to all the time. But my mom was quite sick of carrying me around since I was a huge baby. True to my size, I was pretty loud and authoritative. (Which made me a nightmare during shopping)

One of the strangest stories I heard about myself was from the time I was five. (I went through a lot at five) My mom and I were at the Indian Central School in Baghdad to get me admitted to first grade and as my mom was talking to a teacher, I spotted a little girl being bullied by a bigger girl who was not letting her use the swing. Me being me, couldn't tolerate this injustice and walked up to the big girl and gave her an earful. The little girl got her wish as I walked away nonchalantly. Crusader Atrisa saved the day!

My mom took up a job with the same school and was teaching my class. Where everybody was wishing her "Good Morning, Ma'am", I was doing something "Ummmm good mmmming, mummy" Of course, my mom noticed, and boundaries were set. Bleh. Who calls their momzilla, "Ma'am"? Lame-O.

I was/am also quite the bukkhad. There's one famous story about how I hogged an entire dish filled with cashew nuts when my uncle first met my aunt. And we also had one party video documented where I could be seen with my entire 5 year old arm down a box of Pringles, which then emptied itself into my mouth.

Talking of my uncle and aunt, there is also their wedding video which shows me crawling under my aunt's wedding "throne" because my balloon took a little stroll inside. I've heard that story till my ears have bled.

So apparently I went great lengths to obtain food. My mom would take me out for golgappas and I would happily have more paani and then loudly make sounds like I'm dying of its spiciness till my mom would offer me a Pepsi. I was a clever kid!

A little dumb too. Once when I was like 8, I was singing in my room. Suddenly something hit me and I decide to share it with my family. I walked up to the dining table where everyone was having their dinner and I proudly announced "I think I sing like Anuradha Paudwal!" My entire family was in splits. Frankly, it was quite insulting. I thought Anuradha Paudwal was quite the shit, man!

I'll share two of my deepest darkest secrets with you. My name is pretty uncommon, rather difficult to remember, so I hated it and always wished I had another. My pick of names? Anita, Sheila, Mohini, Sohini. Also, when I used to play Miss Universe-Miss Universe with my cousins/friends, I used to be Suzanne from Germany. Yeeeaaahh. That's why kids don't name themselves. 

Also, I slept with my Barbies till 8th grade. I changed their clothes as per the time of day too. That was till my baby brother tore their heads off and chewed on their feet :S

This definitely needs a To Be Continued.

How Ridley Scott got my brain working for a 5 Metro station ride

So I just came back from watching Prometheus and certain scenes in the movie got me thinking about evolution.

Did you see how the 2000 year old humans present at that queer planet were so much bigger than the present day humans? Odd, isn't it? We all understand humans evolve over a period of time, good or bad irrespective, it's just a matter of how one perceives it.

So let's assume that humans, 2000 years ago, though had started agriculture, were hunters to an extent. So their bodies needed to be bigger and stronger. As we evolved, our bodies became smaller as we no longer needed to be of that built, neither have the kind of strength they did. Given how we've grown so accustomed to technology, lead a sedentary lifestyle and rely so little on hunting (directly), and given the depletion of natural resources, our guide to survival and natural evolution would result in our bodies becoming smaller.

When our bodies become smaller and weaker, hunting will go down to an extent. This might result in us relying more on vegetables, resulting in us becoming primarily a vegetarian society. On the other hand, let's assume that technology allows us to hunt a lot more with little human intervention.

If we do become a vegetarian society, two things will happen. The vegetation will go down as humans and animals both rely on the greens. Given that the number of animals have gone up, there could be a chance that herbivorous animals become carnivorous for survival and consume other animals and also humans, who will already be dying due to lack of vegetation. This is when human's survival tactics kick in and they start hunting again resulting in a gradual decrease of animals and lesser reliance on vegetation. Us becoming hunters again means we get bigger and stronger.

If we allow technology to hunt for us, the number of animals will go down considerably. Eventually we would have to rely on vegetation. And we become a vegetarian society.

Of course, here I'm not assuming that humans found a way to live on other planets. Also, I'm in no way a biologist and things written here might as well be the purest form of fiction :P

Did I ever tell you my and Darwin's birthday is on the same date? :) Also Lincoln. Maybe I'll write one political piece too. 

This post is too boring to be given a creative title

Ever since school I've had this strange fascination with World War II. I've read a considerable amount on it, atleast considerable in my context...some I remember, some I forget, but the essence of it remains the same. I am, till date, trying to find the answer to the question - How was it possible that a human being had such grave inconsideration for another human's life? To think that the value of one human's life is more than the other. The killing of 6 million Jews (the most popular death count) at the hands of Germans, calculated cold-blooded murder, mass murders orchestrated by highly educated men, PhDs playing Gods, innocent people treated like unsold & rotting commodities lying in a warehouse demanding careless disposal.

For years I've wanted to visit Auschwitz in Poland, home to the largest and the most gruesome concentration camps of all, and people always ask me if I feel ok. Why would I want to visit a place with such a terrifying history? I've often wondered about it myself. I came to one conclusion - we are fascinated by destruction. From the Colosseum to Monalisa's crooked smile, we're obsessed with the imperfect, the ruins, the morally or the financially bankrupt. There's a war and bam! there's a museum. A massive ship drowns in its first voyage and we give a tribute to it by making the most successful motion picture ever. Financial institutions crash and umm...ok we all got affected by it. There is something very raw and magnetic about downfalls. Nothing pristine and pure makes us feel more alive than seeing quiet mayhem. The story is so much more richer when you can't see what once was, because something was too perfect to exist, it was an aberration to real life. The reason why I was glued to youtube videos when last year's earthquake + tsunami happened in Japan. Often I imagine deaths or destruction around me. Earthquakes, houses crumbling to the ground, flyovers falling, airplanes nosediving. I can't explain it.

Clean is out, out of the bed look is in. Nobody wants to learn more about a sweet beautiful girl, everyone's attracted to the damaged one with tons of baggage. We get attracted to stuff we don't understand. Make a simple park a labyrinth and suddenly it's got more visitors. We don't understand happiness or relaxation. We constantly chase more responsibilities and attract pain, killing ourselves molecule by molecule just to feel alive. (Isn't it ironic, doncha think?)

I don't understand Hitler. I don't wish to understand his interpretation of Nietzsche but I can't help being baffled either. I can't imagine anybody being so strong headed that they not only not understand or have anybody put some sense into them, they also brainwash others. Tons of movies and documentaries have still not answered my question. How did an entire nation get swayed by the beliefs of one man?

What if I'm wrong? Will I magically agree with his reasoning the moment I step into Auschwitz? What if I'm claiming a moral high ground for the heck of it? I want to go there to discover how I might behave when I'm at the centre of where the basic grain of humanity was exploited day after day after day for years. Will I cry? Why will I cry? Or will I feel nothing? Do I want to go there just to check if I've become cold? Is this sadism? No, I'm not a Jew sympathizer, neither am I an "Aryan" hater. It's not about the literal. It's mostly never about the literal.

Neither here, nor there

I just can't seem to write songs that don't sound lame :)

*******

Neither here, nor there

I've been waiting but I don't know what for

You disappear, in a blink

but you come back for a little comfort in my home

every now and then

you assure me this can't go on, it is over

and I hope that you will take a stand 

but you're neither here, nor there

so I'm neither here, nor there

This time ask me to stay forever or let me go

I can't base my own life as per your whims and your fancies

No love is lost, but we're lost in this spiral of confusion

you're taking us both down

you're taking us both down

You can be anything you want 

as long as it's not hurting me and my pride

And I lay my love on the line 

but it isn't fair for you to walk all over it

and every now and then

you assure me this can't go on, it is over

and I hope that you will take a stand 

but you're neither here, nor there

so I'm neither here, nor there

This time ask me to stay forever or let me go

I can't base my own life as per your whims and your fancies

No love is lost, but we're lost in this spiral of confusion

you're taking us both down

you're taking us both down

I can't remember anything before you

and I don't want to find myself in a life without you in it

but I have to be strong, you need to right the wrongs

you're right, we can't go on living this way

we're neither here, nor there

you'll take us both down

down down down

Blahness

I've not been blogging or facebooking a lot lately. I just can't relate to a lot of stuff that I've been seeing. And even if I can relate it to it just all makes my life seems trivial, like it has been reduced to a cliché, it's all too generic, too mainstream.

I mean, am I still whining about a broken heart and sharing Thought Catalog articles on Things I've Learned From Getting Dumped and saying "Oh my God, this is so true!!!" when others are getting married and setting up households? They must really laugh at me and thank their lucky stars that they're so way past all this childish stuff, thinking "Oh! We did the same. Now that we're married those things sound almost laughable" People are making babies...BABIES...or Baby whatever, and here I am still crying in front of my parents about a few bad weeks at work.Why am I stuck on 22 at 27? What are my age appropriate things? If Ira Dubey is worried about aging in her late 20s, should I buy an Olay Total Effects too?

And then I've joined so many brand pages on facebook, my entire newsfeed looks like brands are my only friends. If it's not that, then people are boasting about various stuff. And I wish I had atleast that. All I do online is check out all these shopping websites and drool over shoes and bags and realizing what a long way I've come from the time I was a 14 year old tomboy whose mom insisted her to wear makeup.

That's all I have to say. I'm really not enjoying this phase of my life. If I wasn't a generally extra-cheerful person, I'd be quite depressed. I wonder if the word Blahness has been introduced in the English dictionary.

The Big Banged karma chameleon

So I was watching The Big Bang Theory on the TV today and it was funny that the character Raj should correlate Newton's Third Law of Motion with the concept of Karma.

//Context

Leonard: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.

Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.

Sheldon: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?

Raj: It's not superstition. It's practically Newtonian. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around.

//end Context

(I can't remember my HTML/Java syntax so sue me. There's a reason why I left my IT job.)

Where I don't have the balls (ehm) to refute the argument made by the esteemed writers of that show, I felt that for a "science heavy" show, their reasoning for Karma correlation with science seemed more metaphoric than scientific, or just not explained in depth due to paucity of time. And with all due respect I'd like to present my own Karma correlation with science which I came up with about 3 years ago.

Karma and The 1st Law of Thermodynamics

In simple language, the 1st law of thermodynamics states energy can be neither created nor destroyed, only converted from one form to the other.

OK so let's assume (as is all of science) that when you do something good or bad, you dissipate positive or negative energy respectively, into the space. These energies can't be destroyed, so whatever it is that you've done cannot be erased as the energy has made itself an integral part of your environment. And, I'm assuming (again), that for some sort of cosmic balance, you will be the recipient from the same category of energy as you have put out into the universe.

Consequently, its form could change. What you did in the form of verbal communication could come back to you in terms of, let's say, monetary benefits or health problems, depending on the kind of energy you released.

***

If you follow this particular theory in your daily life you'll find yourself a lot more aware of your behavior. Whether it is littering your surroundings to being rude to people to letting go of anger, always keep this at the back of your mind =D Of course, I've made this all up but who cares about a certain thing's origin as long as it's positive, eh?

What lead me to this epiphany? Unfulfilled love, of course. I had to choose between hardcore vengeance or zen and I chose to let Karma do its thing. Intruding in the natural Karma process could lead to aberrations and unnecessary redirection of energy to your own self, unless you're doing something positive.

Aaooo, my head hurts.

Friends & Lovers

Now that you're no longer a threat to my sanity
and I no longer remember what it was like to have you as my lover
'cause it seems like a completely different century
there are days I try, but all I recall is,
not the trangressionary kisses we shared,
but sitting across the table from you and laughing
sitting on the couch and seeing you laugh
at a Russell Peters' impression you did
Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad! (and I did, so bad)
or a highly animated impression of my boss that I did
when you used to say I am my funniest when I'm most upset
and my anger would subside
It never ceased to amaze me
that my mind was never so open, so free, so loving of every thought in my head
my mouth that never before felt like stopping to listen to another person's mind
it did for you, I was a good listener for you
I don't miss my lover
I don't miss the guilt or the shame
I don't remember the physical pain from longing for you
I no longer care you felt someone else was more worthy of your love
but I do remember your words of comfort when somebody close to me passed away
I miss my badminton doubles partner who volunteered to team up with me when nobody wanted to
I miss my lunch partner who ditched his friends on Fridays to eat with me
I do miss my friend.

Dear Denial

You, Dear Denial, are right out of a fable
and you keep me in one for as long as you like
where all the happy places coalesce into one big ball of bliss
where everything wrong is reflected away
how could there be any wrongs? there are only rights
my intuition must be overworking tonight
sometimes I must learn to not listen to it
for it could be mistaken
things will always fall into place
and everything I do is good
and everything they do is for my benefit
and everybody's unwell but me
I prance around in a pool of cotton
I find new neighbors - young and old
we joke and spin a web for ourselves
we run around in circles and we like it
so happy, so healthy, so inebriated
in the lies we tell ourselves
then telling ourselves they aren't lies
we hear voices in our head and ignore them
the voices are mean and rude and ludicrous
and have no truth to them
they're just a distraction from the good life
and before we know it
months, years pass
your charm is still fresh, still alluring
like a mirage on a summer morning
I try to touch you and you disappear
were you never there?
did you just disintegrate?
I'm crumbling on my knees
I'm losing a little bit of sleep
I'm losing a lot of weight
My chest hurts, my head bursts
I'm dying a little bit inside
My throat cracks while singing and then chokes
Am I already dead? Could I be a haunting wronged soul?
Why is the earth under me turning to quicksand?
Dear Denial, throw me a rope!
Work your magic on me again
Turn me into water and yourself to a sponge.

What would one do without friends?

You know how certain people close to you say tiny little things to you that affect you too much for some reason?

Met this friend back in March. We saw each other after a couple of months and he said, with a disappointed face, that I've changed. I wanted to badger him with a barrage of questions but I was too saddened by it. I spent the rest of the night and the subsequent month thinking why he said something like that. I observed that because of what he said I was going out of my way to act younger. I spoke to another friend about it, if I had indeed changed for the worse. She said "It's just part of growing up. You can't be the same teenager all your life." She's right. Growing up may make you a little serious on the outwards but your spirit never dies. I mean, we all have our bright & chirpy and silent days right? Maybe it was just one of those days. When I mentioned this to my friend, it just seemed like he made that comment in passing, a comment I took way too seriously.

Around 10 days ago I was very disappointed in myself for behaving a certain way with myself (I can't elaborate on what I was doing) I'm a generally obsessive person (with almost everything I love, but not in a creepy way) but that day it started to creep me out. It started affected me physically, I was being a total psychosomatic. My acidity turned to a high temperature. I couldn't believe how idle my mind becomes when I'm alone and there's no work or nobody at home to distract me. I spoke to a friend about it and she took that stupidity and put a positive spin on it "Archie, you just have too much energy, you need to expend" And that has helped me so much! Everytime I'm idle and feel the obsessive tendencies coming on I just tell myself it's not my brain, it's just that my infinite energy wants to do something and so I either read or play the piano or sing.

What would one do without friends? :)

Three of my biggest fears

You know how we worry over simple things every single day? Will my housemaid come today? Goddamn, my appraisal is near! My laptop isn't working (The sky is falling!)

But there are certain fears which are more real than others. You may not think of them every day but they're there...hiding somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind. The worst part is they're not really fixable...as a friend liked to say "There are certain things outside your locus of control. You can't do anything about it."

Here are three of my external loci fears.

Number Three
Giving birth to a physically/mentally handicapped child
I'm as close to giving birth as Siberia is to Miami. But over the years whenever I see handicapped people, I can't help but fear for the life of my unborn child. It's not that I worry about how difficult it would be to raise him/her but I fear for them. They will not lead a normal life...laugh, jump, play, study like a normal kid. His entire life would be a series of struggles. Bullying, isolation, discrimination. Who wants that for their child?

I had a friend when I was 10. She must be like 5 or 6 years old that time. Cutest little girl but deaf and dumb. Nobody really wanted to hang out with her but I just couldn't say no when her parents urged. So every evening I was stuck with her while my friends ran around and played. In the beginning I was like blehhh...but then I grew to like her a lot. She went to her "special school" and I could see she was very sharp (I played number games with her. I'd point to a number and she'd count it on her fingers) But sometimes we'd both get very frustrated 'cause we couldn't understand what the other person was trying to say. It was exhausting for the both of us. That was my one hour in a day. It was her and her parents' entire life. 

Anyway, do you know there are very few ways one can get a legal abortion in this country, one of them being detection of any physical or mental handicap detected during the pregnancy? Food for thought.

Number Two
Death of a family member or a close friend (or even yourself)
I know for a fact a lot of people sometimes imagine how they'd react if a person close to them passed away. It's a sick sick thing to do but you can't help your mind from drifting, can you? I don't know why we do it. Maybe just to feel an ounce of emotion when you feel you've gotten cold. Or to surprise yourself by your level of anxiety when you imagine a person in particular.

There was a death in my family back in 2007. We were all prepared for it a couple of days in advance so I guess we were rather calm. But when it happens and you find yourself hysterical and trying to hold yourself together at the same time, you start having an out of body experience. Like it's not really happening, like it's just one of them sick dreams, you kneeling in front of a blue body of an 11 year old boy, people all around you wailing like they're reciting a monotonous and never ending requiem in a language you can't understand. Somebody will come out from behind the curtains and say "Smile! It's candid camera!" And then you feel guilty 'cause you feel you didn't cry as much or when there are days you forget it ever happened. I'll stop, let me not make this more morbid :)

Number One
Losing my voice
This is very two pronged. By losing my voice I mean two things - not being able to express myself due to oppression or losing my singing voice due to a physical handicap.

I'm not the most intelligent person in the world. Hell, not even close. But I do believe every voice is important. Informed, uninformed. Rich person's or poor person's. And though society tries to tell us otherwise and I can't lie, sometimes I get swayed by it too, don't let anyone tell you you can't say what you want, unless it's the government and you'd get arrested. Hehe, no, that Kapil Sibal needs to be put in his place.

Losing my singing voice...sigh. Only imagining it kills me. So I don't. All I'll say is...incase that ever happens to me, please admit me to an institution so I wouldn't do any further harm to myself :P

Whenever I get any morbid thoughts, I think of that book The Secret. If you think positive things, positive stuff will happen. Conversely, negative thoughts only bring about doom. Though sometimes we need them, if only to remind ourselves how truly blessed we are that I'm able to write this and you're able to read this.

Delhi

A person with the tag of a 'Delhiite' carries with himself plenty baggage. Our first impression is formed almost as soon as we say 'I'm from Delhi'; the degree of frown on the other person's face depending on what part of the country we're in (Unless of course if you're in Delhi because then you're probably interacting with the neighboring small townies) What's funnier is that we're judged even in the NCR, forget the Madras, the Chinkyland and the Marathi Manusia. Those DPS' and Modern's, I tell you.

So when people do start thinking of you as more than just an arrogant, swear-words-shooting Delhiite, with a penchant for competitive flashiness, i.e. when they get to know you better, the first thing they ask is "My god, how do you live in Delhi?" (the question targeted more towards the women than the men) as if it's Mars, where water will never be found (see how I insert interesting scientific trivia to educate you lovely readers?)

Do I personally stereotype the women of Delhi? Hell yeah, I do. I have placed Delhi women in the following categories - Swanky & Arrogant, Loves Delhi to Death (South Delhi), New Money, Honey Singh Loving Wannabes (West Delhi), She Takes The Metro To Work!, "Is it really in Delhi?" Practically Noida-ite (East Delhi ME ME!) and Too Unimportant To Analyze aka Who The Hell Knows? (North Delhi)

But I have to say, I have immense respect for all kinds of women in Delhi. I often tell girlfriends from other cities that once you've lived in Delhi NCR, you can survive almost everywhere. I live in Delhi, schooled in Noida and colleged in Faridabad amongst hardcore Jaats so I've seen and heard plenty in my 27 short years to ensure 'thick skin' could be written under the Skills section on my resume. Consequently, Bombay girls can't possibly live anywhere but in Bombay and that's the reason why they love it so much and never want to leave. (I love Bombay for the same reason...more than I like Delhi, so shoot me)

So...respect...yes. It's sort of a daily struggle here really. When my guy friends visit from other cities, they are appalled and abhorred and infuriated by the way men* gawk/lech at women here, while I brush it off laughingly. It must be news to you but we've lived with this all our lives. Woe is you if you're a pretty girl, choose to wear skirts a lot or, what the hell am I saying!, if you're a girl at all. So over the years you kinda learn to tune out. When you're walking on the main road or waiting for a train at the Metro station, you look right ahead or down and bless you dear child that you have music blasting in your ears. When you overhear a guy saying to another Uski chhaati dekhi? #truestory Translation: Did you check out her mindblowingly juicy and inviting tits? Let's rape her with our eyes! as a girl passed those two, you realize the iPod/walkman is probably one of the best inventions ever relevant to a Delhi girl.

I'm not trying to make this a laughing matter, because it is not. I've personally been harassed since I was 9. NINE. A rickshaw-wallah thought I was, at that age, sexy enough to be leered and commented at. The fact that I remember my first time (of harassment!) so clearly makes it, I don't know, significant? When, at 17, I had my first encounter with inappropriate touching, I knew this was going to be a bumpy ride, something that we infact take in our stride. 

Now you'll say Why didn't you raise an alarm? That's not the you we know! Tell you what, when you're in a crowded bus surrounded by men who are trying to press their crotches against every inch of you and you reprimand a man, they laugh at you and tell other men in jest that all women think the men have nothing better to do than what the woman is implying. Those men vehemently agree, only to make you feel even worse. That you brought up the issue, because apparently it's all in your head, is a far greater crime. Try being a Jhansi ki Rani then. Every woman in Delhi must have very similar stories that she has probably never shared with anyone.

But obviously, you can't keep mum all your life. It is so very important that in a place like Delhi you come across as intimidating. That is when men, if only out of discomfort, refrain from all their antics. Last year I was traveling by the Metro and this one guy standing right next to me started staring at me. Generally I would've let it go but that day I was in a filthy mood. So I turned my head towards him and looked him straight in the eye. No words, no anger. Very casual but very I've had enough for one day! After 2 seconds of our eyes meeting he turned his head the other way. But I continued to stare at him for half a minute till it was visible he was getting uncomfortable. It was quite funny actually, my mood did quite a 180. He soon moved away a few steps from me. I found myself trembling, perhaps out of nervous excitement on discovering something so empowering.

Back during my engineering in Faridabad I was only one of two Delhi girls amongst 4 girls in my class of 40. Let's just say I was a better prototype of a Delhi girl than the other. Worse was that I did well in my acads. Some classmates claimed (behind my back) that it was my natural "charm" that made all teachers grant me higher marks than the rest of them, of course discounting my 90% class attendance and extensive class notes. And my rather honest demeanor led them to think they could say anything inappropriate to my face because I ask for it. You talk about porn? You must be a slut. I think I'm digressing into gender discrimination here but rather than saying Why would they judge you? it's more probable that you'll ask me Why would you talk about porn in front of people? But I do believe this is more likely to happen in Delhi than anywhere else in the country.

So you know what I had to do? I had to fight fire with fire. I had to swear like they did. I had to act like a man, so maybe they'll not see me so much as a sexual object. I had to scare my juniors during uhm...their introduction into first year. And put this charade up for 4 whole years. So much so I wasn't sure if it was a facade or I had really become that. Thankfully, I had some supremely awesome male friends who were very protective of me and shooed away unnecessary elements. They made those long years mostly bearable. 

You know, it's only when you move out of Delhi do you realize you were neither "asking for it" nor is it "normal" to be treated like a piece of meat. When I started living in Pune back in '07, I realized that for the first time in my life I was walking with my head up (by up I mean straight), not down looking at the road. My neck almost ached. My head kept turning downwards because of pure habit. I had to mentally scream at myself Look up! LOOK UP! There were no men staring at my breasts, even when I wanted them to! There was no bunch of women huddling up, staring at you, scanning you from head to toe and then whispering to one another. That feeling of liberation is inexplicable. It's joyous, it's a mini victory! You feel like you can do anything in the world. Succeed at the workplace. Travel extensively without fear. And that someday a nice boy would love you for your mind and not just your body. 

Basically, the key to surviving Delhi is to trust your instincts. There are times when a woman should speak up and times when she should let it go to avoid further trouble. The number of men subjecting you to harassment at that given instant, your current location in the city, how crowded or not crowded the place is, if there is someone who's accompanying you or not, time of the day amongst many other parameters should be weighed before you take a call. If you're a young woman driving a car alone at 2AM in Gurgaon and you can see that there is no police around, talking back to men who are racing you to some sort of finish line may be a bad idea. Confidence is one thing, pure stupidity is another. 

It's easy to dislike Delhi but if you're gonna be living here you better open your mind to the various things that would make you love the city too. For the record, the situation is much better than it was only a few of years ago. And I'm not even asking for a throbbing nightlife. I just wish that if I'm returning from a friend's wedding alone late night in a cab I don't have to be on the phone with a friend throughout the course of my journey or constantly look over my shoulder when I'm walking the 100 meters from the Metro station to my house. Simple joys is what we want. We'll take what we can get, one ounce at a time, in the hope that Delhi would one day be the city it deserves to be. 

*not all, only the perverts

Why Marriage scares the shit out of me

I've been a very vehement opposer of marriages or scared of it, whatever you wish to call it. Not that I try and convince people from taking the plunge. Sometimes I genuinely feel happy for some who do, because one can just see them married, like this cousin of mine. I just feel a lot of people get into it for the wrong reasons or under desperate conditions. It's as if all they're looking for is a wedding and a honeymoon, not the marriage. As a person who can't imagine being with the same person all my life without being completely and utterly mad about him every single day for the next 50 years, the thought of a lifetime of loneliness doesn't scare me as much as being chained to a loveless relationship. And if you're left with one kid on the waist and the other holding your hand, and you're kicked to the curb with no income 'cause you left your job to bring up your kids in a justifiable way, I'm sorry woman, you are kinda screwed.

Marriages are hard on women. It's no assumption or a feminist theory that it requires more strength from the woman than the man. I'm not a feminist myself so don't get me wrong. There are women out there who think marriage is going to solve all their problems - parental restrictions, a legal license to have sex (for whosoever who waits till their wedding night these days) and in a way it makes sense. What people refuse to see is that it's not all a bed of roses. For every time you could talk back to your parents for a violated deadline, you need to abide by the rules of your new household (I, by default, assume all in-laws are out to get you. Grrr!) Where your sex life might be exciting in the first 2-3 years, it's bound to get dry and you still have about 45 years of your life, ticking away very slowly while you pack lunch for your husband and child. You can't take that 9PM con-call 'cause you need to get back home to your crying infant, while all the others in office say "She's got such a cool excuse to leave the office early. Why not just quit and take care of her household? Let her be good at something."

Now you'll say, oh Atrisa, you're such an optimist! Hehe. I can't, I just can't see myself meeting the mamas and the chachas and their children and their children's children and remember all their names, present yourself as the perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect daughter-in-law while being the man at the office, rising up the ranks, not just for yourself but also 'cause you want to set an example for everybody who knows you. And your husband changes cities and poof! there goes all your hard work. Let's shift base, let's move to another city, let's find another job, let's start from the bottom. Marriage is all about compromise, yes. How many men do you know who shifted cities/countries because his wife got a better job in another city? I know one. How many women do you know? Hundreds and counting.

How long must we be servile? They say it's all for love, when you're in love you'll do anything. I agree, I'd do the same. I'd shift cities in a heartbeat if a guy asked me to. How is it that a guy never offers to do the same? Why, when we hear that a girl is marrying some guy in the US, we automatically assume she'd have to leave her job and join him there? I would feel so sad for all the times I cried at 2am because I did poorly in some Mock CATs and somehow managed to get through my dream B-school, survived the placement process and it all has to culminate to me leaving my job to take care of my family. The daily trials and tribulations at workplace which made you a stronger, more responsible person, the kind who got a pat on the back at the yearly appraisal...you had a skip in your step on your way back home and told your parents all about it, all just because a few years ago you didn't know where you'd go from your terrible IT job.

Don't get me started on pregnancy. Some women choose to take a sabbatical to see their kid grow only to be asked a year later at a job interview if they "remember anything you did before" But they'll do it. They'll swallow their pride, be honest, get back to work, kick some friggin ass, miss their kid all day, get back home, cook for everyone, be a good lay for the husband and wake up again the next morning at 5. The woman has become a haggard. The husband is bored. She hasn't lost her pregnancy fat, looks like an aunty, and he needs some excitement. He thinks it's ok to have some fun on the side, as long as he doesn't leave his wife.

Sometimes I wonder if my cynicism has been painted on by movies or some real life stories which might just be exceptions but I have been scared of marriage for as long as I can remember. The issue never gained so much importance in my life 'cause I was (am?) young but the whole "marriageable age" thing is making me pee in my pants.

You know what pisses me off the most? Guys assuming that a girl my age would want to get married right away. That any relationship started is for the purpose of marriage. What is wrong with just keeping a boyfriend? OK I admit, we're not at the age where we're like "Yeah, we're just dating casually, let's see where it goes" and yes, I would want to be in a romantic relationship than finding a flurry of one night stands that do nothing for you physically and makes you feel like a slut emotionally, but can't you see the massive difference between a relationship and marriage? What are you blind? Just because I want to have a long telephonic conversation at the end of the day talking about a bad day at work or sharing my hopes and dreams, why is it that my only option at this age is to get married? I'm not ready for responsibility, I'm not ready to make the guy's parents my own, I'm not ready to have a new life growing inside me. If you are, good on you. Do you know how many times I have wanted to be "normal"? Have a husband, tag along with him to all his parties like a trophy, have little identity of my own, crush my dreams to make way for everybody else's or not have any to begin with (OK, I exaggerate) You'll call me weird, selfish, uncooperative, a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad human being, an uncouth woman who spits on everything a woman stands for, a bad apple. Do you know how exhausting it is to explain it first to your own family and now to your own peer group because "it's the right time to get married"? And the more people talk about it, the more you feel you should just give in because god knows you'll be 40 with a stellar career but nobody to share your happiness with. A brand new car with nobody in the front passenger seat.

To tell the truth, I don't really hate the concept of marriage. My dad must be right - there is a reason why people all over the world get married...western society included, given their "progressive thinking" I'm just trying to understand how, magically, people want to dive into this just as you're about to turn 26. Why can't you be ready for it when you're 33? My mom says "Who will marry you when you'd look so old?" Mom, I'll be marrying an "old" guy too no? Who cares for fresh faced wedding pictures on facebook? I might not be as energetic, running around with my kid at 35 as I could've been at 25, but if he'd be loved more at 35 than 25, I don't see how the kid would not have a better life.

So don't look at me with pity when I tell you I'm single, with marriage not even on the distant horizon. Atleast hook me up. Do that. Make me your charity case! :)

I am a material girl

My love affair with electronics started back in 2006 when I was to get my second cellphone - the Nokia 3250. The "Ooh ah let the music play" phone, remember? The bottom half turned 270 degrees - 90 degrees to transform itself into what looked like a camcorder and 180 degrees into a music player. That TV ad had me enraptured like nothing else before. Also, convincing my parents to get me a phone worth 16k wasn't gonna be easy, so I spent hours and hours at the workplace going through the mobile forums. I did my homework. I infact took to my parents the print outs of the positive feedback I had read on the internet.

Now the thing about falling in love - with anyone or anything - is that once your heart is set on something, rationality can't do shit. I can tell you with certainty that I have contemplated more on what toothbrush to buy than the electronics I've purchased over the years. I saw a Macbook, I had to get it. End of discussion. (Not really, I asked tens of people thousands of questions) Did it cost 50k more than I wanted to spend on a new laptop? Yes, it did. Am I currently typing on it? Yes, I am.

One of the most emotional electronic purchases I ever made was in 2008 - my 4GB iPod Nano Video. After two very pine-filled years from the iPod's launch, I found a person at my office who was selling a brand new iPod for slightly cheaper than the market rate. Within 5 hours I gave myself my first expensive gift. 4 years later that thing still hasn't died on me. I can safely admit that I love that thin piece of hard drive more than I love most humans.

I saw my 2010-purchased MotoDroid for the first time at the Delhi Airport. I felt an instant connection with it, I kid you not! Apart from the fact that its looks appealed to me so greatly, I have this thing...I can't own what the mass population buys. So not buying a Blackberry was an easy decision. And how many people own a Motorola? Last year's piano was another super impulse purchase that I haven't regretted for a second. It justified its cost long long ago.

And as much as I love the joy of a new gadget for myself, what gives me greater happiness is gifting them to people I love most. Back in 2007 when my boyfriend hit CAT out of the park I decided, as a congratulatory gift, to fulfill his wish of many years - owning a chronograph. He barely remembered telling me that so the look on his face was priceless. Later when we broke up and he told me he had stopped wearing that watch, not to mention he had replaced it with a better chrono, a little piece of me wept for that hint of unconditional love I had managed to display.

The funniest was perhaps when I bought a mic for this vocalist junior of mine at MICA (as part of a senior-junior interaction) It wasn't so much out of any love for him, since I barely knew him, it was just that he resembled an asshole I was obsessed with. The jerk & I weren't talking, since he decided to pull a Jerk de Soleil on me, so I found an inexplicable comfort in gifting this junior the microphone, like somehow some sort of positive energy or the fact that I still cared would be communicated to the universe. You get?

Last year I was planning on gifting a Kindle to this guy I was seeing, since he reads extensively. I did my thorough research - reviews, total cost, shipment, gifting options & what not. Well, it didn't quite work out - the Kindle or the guy. I was sort of relieved, not because it would've been the most expensive thing I bought for anyone other than myself but because, for me, gifting electronics comes very close to some sort of a love confession. (Not love as in always romantic love but a very high level of adoration.) I would've been looking for a duvet to hide under had the Kindle not been reciprocated in a much less materialistic way.

Well, there have been other instances but this post has dragged on way too long. Not to mention my extremely heavy eyes. This Mac is so pweeetyyyyyy! =)