If you had to change your name, what would your new name be?
The summer I turned 13 my parents and I drove south from our home in Yellowknife, NWT, picked up my two older cousins in Bragg Creek, Alberta, and we camped our way much further south together to meet up and continue camping with our Grandma and Grandpa in Yellowstone National Park, in Wyoming, USA.
Yellowstone National Park USA – Where my cousins and parents drove to meet up and continue camping with my maternal grandparents back in the early 90’s
Early on during the trip I announced that I wanted to change my name to Cori and, for whatever reason, my parents rolled with it and asked my cousins if they wanted to change their names too. My oldest cousin piped up immediately and announced he wanted to be called Tyrone.
Tyrone’s younger brother, who was a bit older than me, didn’t have a name preference. My mother decided to call him Darby. Why? I don’t know… but for that entire holiday we stuck to our new monikers religiously.
“well Tyrone, Darby, Cori; what would you like to eat?”
In restaurants my mom would ask, “well Tyrone, Darby, Cori; what would you like to eat?” In camp grounds if we were off running around my dad would call our “names” and we’d all giggle at the looks we got from the people camping around us. This was the very early 1990’s and kids didn’t have the creative names they would come to have in the early 2000’s when Gwyneth kicked things off by calling her daughter Apple.
At that time there were typically several Jennifer’s and John’s in every class at school, and usually there was another Kim as well. Even then I knew I wanted to be a writer and Kimberley Barraclough was a mouthful. I wanted a better nom de plume. To my 12 year old mind Cori Fields seemed romantic and writerly.
When we met up with our grandparents they immediately adopted our new names as well. It was a fun trip and we enjoyed our time as Tyrone, Darby, and Cori. I must admit I was sad when I had to go back to school that fall as Kimberley Barraclough again.
I always stuck with the last name Fields for my nom de plume. In later years I wanted something more unique and original. In high school I went to school with a Vanessa and I liked that name but I decided if I crossed it with Vienna, one of the, supposed, most romantic cities in the world it would be even better.
A sketchbook from 2017-2023 I found while packing that lists my name as Vasenna Fields
That’s when Vasenna Fields was born. There was a time when I’d sign my poetry with this whimsical name, when I dreamt of writing all kinds of things using this name. As recently as 2017 I even wrote it on the cover of a blank book I bought for drawings and poems. I recently came across it while packing up the sketchbooks I’ve decided to keep.
I’d be damned if I was going to list it as anything other than my own name
When I wrote my children’s book I decided I wanted my real name on the cover. I’d worked so hard on that project I’d be damned if I was going to list under anything other than my own name. I was still married at the time so my book lists my name as Kim Perkins. Now that I’ve gone back to Barraclough I sometimes wish it said Barraclough on it, but it’s from a different phase of my life and I’m proud of that time and the drive I had to make it happen.
So I guess I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my father’s parents had, and I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
Have you ever wanted a different name or gone by one? I’d love to hear about the names you tried on in the comment section here on WordPress or in the comment sections of the various platforms where I also post my work❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Before I begin telling this story I want to make it very clear that I’m not discussing my x-husband when I mention the abuse I briefly touch on. He absolutely didn’t do these things to me and never would have.
Bam! I disappeared about a month ago without a single word of explanation. I did actually work on a short piece giving an explanation about what I’m up to, why, and when I’d be back, but I ran out of energy to finish it and post. My efforts had to be diverted and I couldn’t keep up with the blog anymore.
Having less will give me so much more in life
As for where I’ve been for the past month; I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
I’ve spent the past two years trying to recover from the wreckage my abuser left behind. I’ve gone through, and will continue with, extensive counselling to cope with the CPTSD the trauma his physical, psychological, and sexual abuse caused. I’ve also done my best to recover from his extensive financial abuse. I’ve done all I can to hang onto my house but doing this has proven to be more stressful than it’s worth.
I realized I had to first get rid of at least half of the contents of my house
In order to finally get out from under the crushing financial instability the choices I made while with my abuser led to I’ve decided to sell my home and downsize to a smaller place. Once I made this decision I realized I had to first get rid of at least half of the contents of my house in order to make what I’m choosing to keep fit comfortably into a smaller space. In order to make this happen I began purging old junk that nobody wants or needs. Next I moved onto deciding what I want to keep and what I want to sell or donate.
I had a little over a month to prepare for a yard sale at a gracious friend’s house, as she has a far more visible and easy to access front yard. I spent weeks organizing tons of things to get rid of, pricing it all, packing it all up, and ensuring it was ready for transportation on the morning of the sale.
For the most part I had to reduce the amount of art I have, which was no easy feat to accomplish, as there was literal heaps of it. It was both physically and emotionally taxing to pare down the collection my grandmother, myself, and other family members spent upwards of 50 years making what was in the collection.
AI makes strange decisions about how tables and easels work but it was easier to try to illustrate piles of art and art supplies this way
After both my grandparents died I inherited much of my grandmother’s work. She was an incredible artist who specialized in oil and watercolour work. She was fond of painting the sweeping landscapes of Alberta’s farmlands, wide open skies, mountains, as well as flowers, horses, birds, and the pets of her many friends and family.
She also spent a lot of time visiting Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, in both winter and summer, during the 16+ years my parents and I spent living there. During those visits she was repeatedly inspired to paint the quirky trees stunted by being located beyond the 60th parallel, the pink granite peaking through the lichen, the endless lakes and rivers that surround the area, magical winter scenes and, what would become her specialty and most popular series, the Aurora Borealis.
One of my grandmother’s gorgeous Aurora Borealis watercolour paintings I’ve chosen to part with
I’ve spent years giving paintings to friends and family in hopes of spreading her work around to the many people who admired it, and knew, and loved her. Fortunately and unfortunately my grandmother was as prolific with her art as I am and I ran out of places to spread her work around to.
I’ve finally realized I can’t hang onto all of her work or my own
I became incredibly attached to the work of hers still in my possession, but when I began painting as well, in the same prolific manner as she, the amount of art in my collection became increasingly large. There weren’t enough walls in my home to display even half of it.
I’ve finally realized I can’t hang onto all of her work or my own and I made the difficult decision to sell and donate much of my work and hers, save my very favourite pieces. Now I’m left with a much smaller collection and a lot of blank canvases that’ll be ready and waiting for me to pick up my brushes and begin making new art in my new home when I find it.
The garage sale finally rolled around last Saturday and, in my opinion, was extremely successful. I’m incredibly grateful to my friend for hosting and helping with the sale, my partner for loading, transporting, unloading and, loading up the leftovers to take to various thrift shops around the city, as well as many more friends and family who stopped by and purchased art or other items, as well as those who sent encouraging messages if they weren’t able make the sale because of scheduling conflicts, or because they live far away from Calgary.
My next step is to sell some of my larger pieces of furniture, and donate more items I missed for the garage sale. Then I’ll be staging my home, and putting it up for sale with the help of another close friend and trusted realtor.
It’s a stressful time and I’m in recovery mode right now, as the garage sale took a lot of energy, both physical, and mental, to complete. As someone disabled by chronic pain and mental illness it takes far longer to recover compared to those untouched with chronic conditions. I knew that going into this endeavour, so I have prepared for recovery time after each phase of preparing to sell, as well as moving and settling into a new place.
Once I’ve moved and landed with my feet beneath me I’ll return to regular programming
Overall it’s an incredibly busy and stressful time. As such, my posts will be made whenever I can instead of sticking to my previous schedule of 3 posts a week. Once I’ve moved and landed with my feet beneath me I’ll return to regular programming as scheduled.
Have you ever had to decide to make drastic changes to your life in the short term that’ll lead to peace of mind in the long term? How did you go about accomplishing this? What did you give up in order to gain the change you sought to make? I’d love to hear your advice, thoughts and stories in the comment section on WordPress or in the comment sections of the many platforms where I also drop my work❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Have you noticed how pervasive the words like; narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD, have become? These words are a small sampling of psychological and quasi-psychological terms frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning in our vernacular. The problem with this is that when someone who’s actually experiencing PTSD, for example, states their diagnosis others assume the diagnosis equates to the watered down meaning because it’s so pervasively misused. This means the person’s legitimate experience with something as scary as PTSD is more likely to go misunderstood, ignored, or discounted.
After I broke my leg and ankle I suffered from PTSD to such a degree that if someone broke an ankle in a movie or tv show I’d literally let out a scream, have to leave the room, and I’d end up in tears for almost an hour afterwards. I couldn’t even attempt watching figure skating, gymnastics, or dance, which are all sports I’ve long appreciated and occasionally watched for many years. Merely the vague potential for a bone to break due to a misplaced landing or a tragic fall, was enough to make me click away quickly. It was such a bizarre experience because I knew my reactions weren’t rational but I couldn’t control them.
My x-husband was kind enough to pre-watch some movies before we’d watch them together and he’d warn me if a scene that might bother me was coming. Often he’d skip over it or mute it so I could close my eyes and he’d fill me in on any details that were important related to the scene.
Replaying my fall on a continuous loop in my mind. This constant visual reminder of the incident sent my mind racing into overdrive
I also had problems replaying my fall on a continuous loop in my mind. This constant visual reminder of the incident sent my mind racing into overdrive. I’d wince and squeeze my eyes such when I recalled the exact moment I felt it break.
I wouldn’t wish those intense flashbacks, feelings, and aversions on my worst enemy and that was just for a broken ankle. I can’t begin to imagine how much more intense it would be if I were recalling combat or living in a war zone, or being robbed at gunpoint for instance.
It’s been almost 20 years since I broke my ankle and I’ve made it to a point where I can get through a bone breaking scene with only the mild discomfort another person would feel. I do still occasionally relive that life changing scene of me falling but the intensity isn’t what it used to be… thank goodness.
I was diagnosed with PTSD again after my abusive relationship ended in spring of 2023. It hit differently though. I suffered from intense nightmares for about a year afterwards and had to be medicated in order to not be afraid to go to sleep and to decrease the intensity of the nightmares. I still experience sleep disturbances to this day, although not quite as often, usually when I’m feeling particularly stressed and anxious.
I also still have intense flashbacks of the abuse and have become extremely fearful of conflict, so you can probably understand that when someone claims, flippantly and jokingly, to have PTSD from some trivial incident I have a hard time seeing the humour. It might not seem important on its own but imagine similar jokes by the truckload. This can and does, lead to actual PTSD carrying less weight.
Sometimes writing these posts, especially when I’m discussing some of the more traumatic events during the relationship, I’m writing whilst sobbing and choking on tears. It’s cathartic in some ways but I do have to be careful not to stay in those memories for too long, and take frequent breaks to rest my mind.
In the near future, in separate posts, I’d like to discuss the trivialization of some of the words I previously mentioned such as; narcissist, empath, “schizo”, and OCD. If you have any suggestions for psychological terms you think are misused, trivialized, mocked, or disparaged please leave them in the comment section. I’ll gladly look into them and possibly write about them as well if I feel it’s appropriate.
The most important to take away from this post is how imperative it is to not only take care of your mental health, but to respect the mental health of others as well. We mustn’t trivialize, disrespect, or spread misinformation about mental illnesses and psychological terms we don’t necessarily understand or fully appreciate. If you’re not sure what a word means look it up and ensure you understand it before throwing it into your everyday language.
You can also be helpful to those suffering from such mental health challenges mentioned by gently explaining to others how important it is to stop trivializing and/or minimizing, and/or using these terms as insults or putdowns. We need to work together as a global community to ensure people feel seen, and heard, rather than, disrespected, not believed, or put-down.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section here on WordPress, or in the comment section of the various social media platforms where I distribute the link to my blog. I’ll be back soon with more posts about mental health as May is Mental Health Awareness Month❤️
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears. You begin to feel dizzy and your left arm begins to go numb and if your thoughts weren’t spinning out of control before, they sure are now.
Your arm continues to ache, then goes numb. You try to shake it out but it just gets worse. To nobody you breathlessly say, “I’m having a heart attack!”
Your arm is still numb, in fact it’s now ram-rod straight as well, and feels as though you can’t move it at all. Your breathing is shallow and rapid and the dizziness increases.
Fumbling around for your phone with your right hand you awkwardly grab it, and struggle to dial 911.
Paramedics arrive quickly and you’re soon surrounded with people there to help. Explaining you think you’re having a heart attack and what happened when you woke up. They begin hooking you up to machines and taking a reading of your heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels.
Hyperventilating now, and sure this is the end. You see a look pass between the eyes of the paramedics.
“Your heart rate seems normal. Try to slow your breathing now.”
Why don’t they believe you?
“Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”
You’re trying to think but your thoughts are flying too fast. You beg the paramedics to bring you in, surely there’s something they didn’t catch.
You vomit in the ambulance and cannot stop crying. They hand you a small tablet to melt under your tongue, saying it’ll help slow things down but you must take some deep breaths. If only they understood you can’t seem to get one.
You calm down slightly for a time and your breathing becomes easier. It doesn’t last long though. You soon start to think back to your arm going numb and the out-of-control way your heart pitter-patted. It’s scary, and you’re scared it’ll happen again.
Something does happen when you get to the hospital, but it’s different this time. Now you insist on pacing back and forth in the hospital hall. They tell you to stop, to take some deep breaths, but you’re crying again. Your thoughts are racing like they’re on a NASCAR track. Why don’t they understand that you’re dying.
You explain that you’re dizzy.
“Breathing so shallow will cause that, you need to slow down.”
You continue to pace and shake your arms out, feeling ready to pass out. You vomit again but there’s nothing left. You’re hooked up to an iv and the hydration is helping but it’s making you nervous.
A blood draw, another EKG.
“You’re ok,” they tell you and give you something stronger that’s supposed to calm you down. Soon it kicks in and you have to stop pacing, you can’t keep dragging the damn I’ve pole around. Your body’s exhausted and finally you get into the hospital bed and gratefully drift off to sleep.
A doctor wakes you up sometime later and a nurse takes your vitals.
“Have you been under stress lately?”
Nodding slowly, you remember all the things on your endless to-do list and that a loved one just died, and then there’s the bills you’re barely keeping up with… including the bill for the ambulance you know will be coming, yes it’s a lot.
“Have you ever had a panic attack?”
“Have you ever had a panic attack?”
Shaking your head slowly, you say it can’t be that. It’s never happened before and you remember your heart beating like a humming birds wings. Surly there’s more than this being all in your head.
The Dr is sympathetic and calls a the psych team to talk to you. In the meantime the panic comes back. There’s too much to do. You’ve no time to be here. The nausea is back and soon you’re dry heaving and hyperventilating again.
Calling for a nurse and apologizing profusely, “I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I calm down?”
She tells you to breathe deeply and want to scream that you’d slow your fucking breathing down if you could! You’re trying but everything feels like it won’t stop spinning further and further out of control. The nurse leaves you perched shakily on the edge of the bed. She says it won’t be long until you’re seen by the psych team but it feels like forever after she leaves.
Tears come again. They’re streaming down your face you feel the urge to pace again. You can scarcely see through your tears as you pace from the top of your bed on one side to the top of your bed on the other other side. A u-shaped bit of chaos is running through your head along with the u-shaped chaos you’re pacing round your bed.
When the psych team arrives the tears won’t stop. They invite you to take some deep breaths but your sobs make your breath shallow. They invite you to sit and offer you something to calm you down. It goes in your iv and soon you find yourself calming. You’re able to sit but the tears just keep coming. There’s too much to do and you don’t have time for this heart attack or whatever it is.
They assure you it’s not a heart attack but there is some cause for concern. It seems like stress might be taking up too much room in your life.
“We’d like you to talk to someone about the way you’re handling the stress. We think you need tools to better handle what’s going on.”
“So, I’m not having a heart attack? You’re certain? Because I had all the symptoms and I’m not making it up. Why can’t I calm down? Why do I feel so nauseated? Why can’t I breathe?”
“What you experienced was a panic attack, not a heart attack. Many people get the two conflated as the symptoms can feel similar. We’re glad you came in regardless. You’re not alone and there is help. I’m going to start by sending you home with a prescription for an antidepressant that’ll help with the anxiety and the depression you’ve been feeling. It’ll take a few weeks to start working so I’m also prescribing a few anti-anxiety meds for emergencies, but I don’t give them out lightly. These are addictive and I don’t want you to rely on them, so I’m also setting you up with some emergency counselling so you can learn ways to cope with the depression and panic attacks in a way beyond the use of medication. Unfortunately there’s a waiting list for the emergency counselling so I want you to follow up with your doctor as soon as possible so they can keep an eye on how you’re doing with both medications. Can you do these things for me?”
Nodding your head you shakily get out of bed and prepare yourself to head home. You hit the pharmacy before calling a taxi, trying not to remember the frightening ambulance ride on the way here when you thought you’re life would soon be ending.
It’s early morning when you finally walk through your door so you call in sick. You take your first antidepressant and, mercifully, fall into a deep sleep for hours. When you wake up you begin to take stock of the stress in your life lately and recognize you need to make some changes if you want to stop having panic attacks and not have a real heart attack.
Panic attacks come in many shapes and sizes. The first one I recall having in adulthood had all the hallmarks of a heart attack. My paternal grandfather had just died and I was struggling with ongoing chronic pain. It was really scary and it’s not uncommon for a first panic attack to mimic the symptoms of a heart attack. No matter what it turns out to be you must take the situation seriously.
We cannot understand what it feels like to live inside the body of another person, therefore we mustn’t ever judge. We can encourage others, we can make gentle suggestions, but it’s absolutely unfair to judge.
I did get in to see a doctor the next day and began seeing a psychiatrist. I had to try a couple different medications before I found one that made things better rather than worse. Between medication, talk therapy, reading self-help books, spending time researching panic attacks and depression, learning to paint, making frequent trips to the doctor, and sometimes even the emergency room because I couldn’t stop vomiting from the anxiety, I finally made progress enough to begin enjoying life again.
I think it’s important to note here that not everyone needs or wants medication. It doesn’t work for everyone and sometimes the side effects aren’t tolerable. No matter what you choose to do or another person chooses to do it’s important not to judge. We cannot understand what it feels like to live inside the body of another person, therefore we mustn’t ever judge. We can encourage others, we can make gentle suggestions, but it’s absolutely unfair to judge. As long as the person is under the care of a physician, the best thing you can do is be supportive, kind, and respectful.
Unfortunately this wouldn’t be the only time I’d struggle with panic attacks, I still struggle with them to this day. I want to stress that this isn’t the case for everyone I know. There are many people I know who’ve briefly had to go on antidepressants before they’re able to go on without them and, although their lives are far from problem-free, they don’t need ongoing psychological and psychiatric care.
Don’t let the fact that I continue to struggle with my mental health, and have done for almost 20 years, stop you from seeking help. It certainly doesn’t stop me. I keep trying to move forward and give myself grace. I keep going to doctors, trying new tricks for coping with anxiety and depression. I continue to ask questions, read whatever I find helpful, and I remain hopeful that this struggle won’t last forever. As I said in my previous post about suicidal ideation Suicidal Ideation- 2 Paths I’ve Taken to Stay Alive- Volume 1 for Mental Health Awareness Month, sometimes the only way out is through.
So, I urge you to take your mental health seriously. If the problems are piling up and you feel like you’re even getting close to a breaking point it’s time to look for help. Try not to let things get so bad that you think you’re having a heart attack that turns out to be a panic attack. Try not to let things get so bad that you’re contemplating ways to end your life. You aren’t alone. There is help. There is hope. You just need to reach out for it and you’ll find there is much to be done to find relief❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Discussion about how society tends to turn on female celebrities if they’re with problematic men, if they leave problematic men, or if they call out problematic behaviour
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
The days and months roll on and your mental health continues to unravel. Maybe you get yourself to the Dr and explain that you’re having a really hard time coping lately. It’s spills out that you’ve been overwhelmed with dark clouds of depression, constant jolts of anxiety, streaks of manic energy, or unceasing, upsetting intrusive thoughts. You admit that you haven’t been thinking of suicide, but you’ve been wishing you could just hit the delete button on your existence.
You try a couple different antidepressants or other medications but the side effects are worse than what you were dealing with to start with. You agree to attend a 6 week outpatient program while going on short term disability.
You spend the day at the hospital with a group of other patients in similar situations. Together you spend time learning how to meditate, practice mindfulness, recognize your emotions, regulate them, and discuss them. You work with a psychiatrist and he helps find you medication that finally starts working without overwhelming side effects. It’s not perfect but it helps. You talk about your problems, you discuss what brings you joy and you begin to find that joy in your life again.
Once you finish the program you’re feeling better about things, even optimistic. You head back to real life and things go well. It seems like you’re finally feeling able to tackle the issues and stress of everyday life. Things are good and that blip in your mental health is over.
I know about this path because I followed it. I know about the next path I’m going to discuss because, later on, I would follow it too.
Now I want you to imagine that being in that Day Hospital helped but the relief it brought didn’t last. You did all of the things. You really try but your thoughts of suicide only worsen.
You’ve done research and developed a plan for how you’ll go about dying by suicide. You think about doing it constantly. You try to push it out of your mind but it’s stuck there and you can’t get it to go away.
One day during a therapy session you hand a note to your psychologist admitting what you can’t say out loud. You confess how deeply rooted your suicidality is. You fidget as your psychologist reads. When finished they say they want you to go to the hospital and be admitted for inpatient treatment in the psychiatric ward for at least a few days so you’re safe and some new treatment options can be explored.
You agree to go to the hospital and when you arrive a paramedic sits with you until they have a room for you in the emergency department. You can’t just be given any bed, you must be given a specific room where you’re observed at all times, and there’s nothing in the room you can hurt yourself with.
Finally, there’s a bed ready for you in psychiatric ward and you’re taken there and officially checked in. You discover a ward full of people in psychological crisis. You’re not all struggling with the same difficulties but you’re all there to get well.
It’s not an easy place to be but you discover that there’s a feeling of safety there. You can finally go into detail about everything that’s going on with you and you’re in a place where you can safely try different treatment methods of healing. It can be a lonely, frustrating experience at times but the only way out is through and it can be a positive experience overall.
For me, staying at the hospital for inpatient treatment was the best place for me to be safe. I was there for a couple months before I was ready to go home and felt like I could slowly get back to enjoying life again.
In the future I’ll discuss my experience in the outpatient program and the inpatient program in more detail. For now I just wanted to introduce how I went about finding help with my feelings of wanting to end my life and to show that there’s no shame in seeking help doing what you have to do in order to stay alive.
Your life is worth fighting for. In your darkest hours you may feel like the world would be better off without you but there is help for these feelings. There is a way out of the darkness that doesn’t involve ending your life. Your path may be different than mine, but the important part is choosing a path that keeps you alive.
Even if you’re not suicidal I want to urge you to take your mental health seriously and to offer grace and support to those in your life that are going through their darkest days. You can’t save them yourself but you can be someone who encourages them to seek help from professionals. You may need help from professionals in order to stay safe but there’s absolutely no shame in it. Please reach out for help for yourself if you need it, you’re worth it.
May is mental health awareness month and I’d like to focus most of my posts on mental health related topics, and resources this month. I will also share some personal stories that I hope will help make the experience of struggling with mental illness feel a little less lonely, overwhelming, and scary.
I’ve had mixed tapes, mixed cd’s and playlists in my life. Importantly, I started a playlist after my abuser was finally forced out of my home that I called, Post-Abuser Soother. It’s been almost 2 years and it still helps every time I put it on. I still add to it and at the moment it’s sitting at well over 500 songs. The music on this playlist includes only tracks that make me feel empowered, understood, soothed, and brave.
I suffered from terrible nightmares for almost a year after he was gone and that playlist has helped keep me sane. It hasn’t been the only thing that’s helped with the trauma but it’s certainly played an important role.
Music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
At times I’ve needed an angry playlist to cope with things going on. At other times I’ve needed far more soothing music to help me feel my emotions more throughly. Sometimes, as with my Post-Abuser-Soother mix, I need a mix of angry, soothing, emotional, brave, and empowered. Music has been something I’ve been able to do for myself but I also rely on a number of other techniques to get me through recovery from trauma.
…taking action to deal with the things I can control or try to control…
The other tools I, personally, find most helpful are, ongoing talk therapy, somatic therapy, breathing exercises, meditation, medication, writing poetry, making art, writing blog posts, taking action to deal with the things I can control or try to control, learning to let go of what I can’t control, and listening to music that I find particularly meaningful, empowering, and/or soothing.
In the future I’ll discuss some of the therapeutic methods I just mentioned, although it’s important to note that everyone has different things that work for them. Today I want to focus specifically on the power music holds for me and may hold for you. As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog I’ve created a huge playlist I refer to as my, Post-Abuser-Soother, playlist.
For those of you who find special significance in song lyrics, or the way a piece of music makes you feel you’ll probably find this post particularly helpful.
You can tap into this tranquility by creating a playlist of soothing music for yourself.
Have you ever noticed how certain types of music, particular songs, or how the sound of specific singers or bands can give you a sense of calm? You can tap into this tranquility by creating a playlist of soothing music for yourself. While it might require some fine-tuning over time, you’ll soon have a playlist—ranging from half an hour to much longer—that you can play to zone out and enjoy the peace it brings you.
Choose whatever music makes you feel as though you’re taking a vacation from chaos. If you’re feeling particularly anxious you might find it helpful to put on a playlist you can sing along to.
Even if you’re a terrible singer, like me, it’s still helpful to sing along to music you know well because singing forces you to regulate your breathing and it forces your brain to concentrate on remembering the lyrics rather than remembering what you’re feeling anxious about. It can actually be a type of mindfulness. Anytime you find your mind wandering back to what’s making you anxious gently bring your mind back to the music and focus on singing the lyrics, regulating your breathing, and distracting yourself by focusing on remembering the lyrics.
Trust your own musical instincts and embrace your unique taste without hesitation.
Trust your own musical instincts and embrace your unique taste without hesitation. While it can be valuable to explore recommendations from friends, family, or music platforms, never let external opinions diminish your personal preferences or musical choices. This is particularly important when dealing with people who habitually criticize or dismiss your musical taste—their judgments are irrelevant to your journey.
Remember that the playlists you create can serve as your private sanctuaries, carefully curated collections that exist solely for your well-being. The only criteria that truly matters is how the music affects you personally, how it soothes your spirit, and how effectively it creates that sense of peace you’re seeking.
Sing along and interrupt intrusive thoughts or anxiety.
Your playlists should be authentic reflections of your individual taste, free from the influence of others’ expectations or conventional assumptions about what constitutes “relaxing” music. It doesn’t even have to be relaxing. As I mentioned, it can be something you know all the words to so you can sing along and interrupt intrusive thoughts or anxiety.
Any genre that brings you a sense of relaxation and inner peace is perfectly suited for this healing playlist. While more energetic or intense music certainly has its place and purpose (which we’ll explore in depth in a future blog post dedicated to that topic!), for this particular playlist you’ll want to focus on gentler selections.
Your options are wonderfully diverse and can include the timeless serenity of classical compositions, the flowing beauty of instrumental pieces, the intimate storytelling of mellow singer-songwriters, stripped-down acoustic versions of familiar songs, the rich cultural tapestry of calming world music, or purpose-created meditation tracks. Some people find peace in ambient nature sounds, while others prefer the soft harmonies of choral music or the gentle rhythms of acoustic folk. Jazz ballads, ethereal new age compositions, or even certain electronic ambient pieces might speak to your soul. The key is to choose music that creates a peaceful sanctuary for your mind—anything that helps you step away from life’s daily stresses and find that precious moment of tranquility.
Consider integrating your carefully curated playlist with mindful movement through nature.
For an enhanced calming experience, consider integrating your carefully curated playlist with mindful movement through nature. By combining your musical selections with a meditative nature walk (as detailed in Active Meditation For Wherever You Are & However You Are & ), you can create a deeply immersive relaxation practice. While walking, focus on your breathing pattern—specifically practicing slow, deep belly breathing with extended exhales that last slightly longer than your inhales. This intentional breathing technique helps activate your body’s natural relaxation response.
As you continue this mindful practice, allow the harmonious combination of cleansing breaths, soothing music, and gentle walking motion to gradually dissolve accumulated tension throughout your body. Notice how this tension release occurs in waves, starting perhaps with your neck and shoulders, then flowing down through your back, and eventually softening the muscles in your face and scalp. Pay particular attention to areas where you typically hold stress, giving them permission to fully release.
The beauty of this practice lies in its flexibility—while the combination of walking, music, and breathing can be particularly powerful, you can adapt it to various situations. Whether you’re taking a contemplative walk through nature, sitting quietly in your favorite chair, or lying comfortably in bed, the fundamental goal remains consistent: achieving a state of profound relaxation that encompasses both your physical body and mental state, allowing you to experience a deeper sense of peace and renewal.
Share your favorite soothing songs in the comments—you might inspire others or discover new music yourself. I’m excited to hear how this exercise works for you. Have you adapted it to better suit your needs? I’d love to hear about your modifications. Your unique approaches often give me fresh perspectives and might help others customize their own practice.
Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
There are many different types of financial abuse and this is just part of my story. Many abuse victims experience a variety of different financial abuse tactics. If you’d like to learn more about financial abuse in general I’d suggest giving these short podcast episodes a listen:
Almost 4 years ago exactly I took possession of my first home after my divorce. I had been seeing a new man for a month or so and he moved everything along at breakneck speed, so quickly I scarcely had time to begin to even notice, let alone process the many red flags. On possession day he arrived at my apartment upset and passive aggressive.
He informed me that he knew it was my possession day and that he felt a bit bad for bringing it up but had to mention something that was troubling him deeply.
“I’ve spent too much time paying attention to you and your needs that I forgot about my own and it’s cost me something really important to me.”
Brow furrowing with concern, I felt a twinge of guilt, had we been too focused on my life? Looking back I know the answer is a decisive, NO. I was woefully behind on packing because every time I’d mention I needed to do so he’d point out how little he thought there was to pack, tell me he’d help me (just not today), and convince me I would be a better partner if I prioritized spending more time with him instead.
He’d helped me with my disorganized move so I was forever indebted to him.
He’d later use my lack of preparedness for the move as a weapon whenever he wanted to guilt me into paying for something for him or doing something for him. He’d helped me with my disorganized move so I was forever indebted to him.
It didn’t matter that I helped him move out of his room rental and that I payed for a trailer to move everything. It didn’t matter that I’d helped him sort through his mountainous disaster of a room and pack everything from scratch, and it definitely didn’t matter that I did a good portion of the cleaning myself. I owed him and I was going to hear about it frequently for at least the first year of living together.
If I stepped a toenail out of line he’d verbally berate me for upwards of an hour about whatever I’d done “wrong” as well as going back to rehash how put upon he’d been by helping me to move. If I responded to his aggressive questions I was, “being defensive”, “not hearing (him)”, or “being a selfish bitch who used him.”
If I sat silently listening and didn’t respond to his questions he’d angerly say, “HELLO? Explain why the fuck you do (x) when I’ve done so much for you?”.
“HELLO? Explain why the fuck you do (x) when I’ve done so much for you?”.
If I got frustrated after enduring anything beyond 30 minutes of being verbally berated and I sighed, rolled my eyes, tried to leave to room, responded by mentioning the work I’d done and the things I continued to do for him, or if I dared to express anger back at him, he’d apoplectically fly into an explosive rage that easily locked me back into staying where I was. I then only had the option to sit silently, enduring a seemingly-never-ending tirade that involved calling me a myriad of disgusting names, spitting some of the cruelest insults I’ve ever heard at me while leaning in closer to yell directly into my face, and raging at me for “making (him) so angry that (he’d) need to take an Ativan to calm down.”
Back to that first fateful day, possession day, when I’d planned to begin slowly moving things from my old place to my new place, checking out and celebrating the purchase of my new home. When I saw how upset he appeared to be I cocked my head to the side with genuine concern.
“What happened? Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I pawned my favourite hockey card, a rookie card of (____). I’ve had that card since I was a kid, it’s really rare and very important to me. I didn’t extend the loan on time because I’ve been paying so much attention to you and now the card is gone and I only got a $100 loan for it when it’s worth far more than that in reality, but I wasn’t planning to ever sell it. It’s too important to me.”
“I’ve been paying so much attention to you and now the card is gone”
“I’m so sorry, I understand why you’re upset. Do they still have it where you could at least buy it back if you wanted to?”
Voice quivering on the verge of tears, he replied, “I don’t know. I think it’s been sold and even if it hasn’t I can’t possibly afford to buy it back. it’s worth way more than the $100 dollars I got for it and I have a bunch of other important items pawned that I’ll lose if I don’t extend the loans on them today.”
“I’m really sorry about the hockey card. That’s a frustrating loss. Would you like me to drive you to the pawn shop so you can extend the loans on the other items you mentioned so you don’t lose anything else?”
“it’s your fault I lost the card I thought you’d be more caring about what you’ve cost me and, at the very least, offer to buy back the hockey card if it’s still there for sale. If you actually care about me the way you say you do you’d help me out by extending the loans on the items that are due.”
“I honestly think you owe me more than that. Considering it’s your fault I lost the card I thought you’d be more caring about what you’ve cost me and, at the very least, offer to buy back the hockey card if it’s still there for sale. If you actually care about me the way you say you do you’d help me out by extending the loans on the items that are due.”
I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know how to see through his manipulative tactics and say, no.
My breath caught in my throat as I considered his statement. I was shocked that he’d blame this loss on me entirely and assume he was entitled to ask me to buy it back and extend the loans he had. He continued to list off all the things he’d done for me, never taking into account the things I’d done to reciprocate and more. I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know how to see through his manipulative tactics and say, “no”.
At this point I wasn’t familiar with how pawn shops and pawnshop loans work. I decided he was right, if I could help him out I should help him out as, until he got his claws in me, I was in a financial position where I could afford to spend a couple hundred dollars to assist him. I had no idea how many things he had pawned.
I thought, this guy has obviously fallen on hard times, and he has been very good to me, how much could it possibly cost to buy back everything right now and let him slowly pay me back without charging any of the exorbitant interest rates I’d come to understand he was paying on his items.
I pitched this idea to him and he still sulked about his hockey card but agreed that my idea would be very helpful. “I guess that would help, but if the hockey card is there I still think you owe it to me to buy it back. Just think about how much time and energy I’ve spent on you. It’s more than reasonable for me to ask this.”
if I did this it would be a slippery slope to the next things I’d be asked to buy.
I felt a pit of fear forming in my stomach but I didn’t really understand why. I know now that this was my body’s way of intuitively telling me this wasn’t a fair request at all and if I did this it would be a slippery slope to the next things I’d be asked to buy. He already had me trained to never be without a case of his favourite flavours of pop and types of chocolate bars in the fridge, his brand of tea in my cupboard, and his favourite brands of chips and candy in my pantry.
In spite of my intuition complaining loudly we drove to the pawn shop where the hockey card was. He grew extremely sad when we found out his hockey card had been sold. I suggested we look online for a replacement but he said it was that specific card that held the most value to him because it had belonged to him for years. It was a mint condition collectors item, and irreplaceable.
“Don’t talk about things you know anything about. You sound like an idiot and it’s not cute. I know what I’m doing here and you don’t.”
He then took me outside to lecture me about not asking questions in front of the employees and other customers. “Don’t talk about things you know anything about. You sound like an idiot and it’s not cute. I know what I’m doing here and you don’t.”
I was taken aback by his response. He instantly made me feel like a stupid, insolent child and I was overcome with guilt for having embarrassed him and myself. The pit in my stomach was still telling me something was wrong but I’d switched to thinking the thing that was wrong was me.
I wish I’d told him to fuck off as soon as he began guilting me into spending my money on him,or “loaning” him money I’d never see returned.
I apologized profusely and he finally informed me he’d go in and do all the talking and would come and get me when it was time to pay. I’ll never fully understand why I accepted his treatment of me or the things he felt entitled to from me, but this is definitely a time where I made the decision to go along with his demands and I wish I’d told him to fuck off as soon as he began guilting me into spending my money on him,or “loaning” him money I’d never see returned.
My jaw dropped as he continued carrying out item after and I imagined the bill continuing to climb. I had no idea one could pawn so many items.That pawnshop set me back upwards of $2000+ and I nearly choked as I laid my debit card down to pay. It all seemed worth it as I listened to him gleefully telling me about each item and how so many of them would benefit not just him, but me too. There was a huge floor lamp shaped like an old fashioned photographer’s light, dozens of collectable toys from Star Trek, Start Wars, and Marvel, various comic books, an ice maker, a sound system for the tv, fancy speakers for added tv sound, and sundries.
I felt a bit panicked by loaning him so much money. My rule is usually not to lend out any amount I can’t afford to lose. I made an for him exception because, as he’d said, “I’m your partner and I’m madly in love with you. By helping me out you’ll prove how much you’re in love with me.”
Then he told me there were three more pawn shops to visit in order to get ALL of his stuff…
Then he told me there were three more pawn shops to visit in order to get ALL of his stuff…
Boy do I wish I’d handled that revelation differently. Instead I barreled ahead, strait into the beginning of what would become a pattern of him guilting me into spending more and more money I didn’t have so I could keep the small amount of peace I was able to find in my new home.
Can anyone relate to wishing they’d handled a situation differently? Can anyone relate to this type of manipulation and abuse? I’d love to hear your thoughts here in the comment section on WordPress or in the comment sections of the many social media platforms where I also drop my posts❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
I took a huge personal risk when I began writing this blog a few months ago. I knew I wanted to write about topics that are of a personal nature. In my previous blog http://www.perkreations.wordpress.com I wrote extensively about my experiences involving anxiety, depression, panic attacks, chronic pain, grief, art, and creativity.
I will continue to discuss these topics but I don’t feel like I’m taking a risk discussing these things the way I did back when I started Perkreations. It’s a new topic that has been risky to discuss, but I don’t regret my decision to do so. The new topic is my experience with domestic violence and coercive control.
During the time between my two blogs I allowed a man to move in with me who was extremely abusive. He sexually, verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially abused me in my own home for two of the longest years of my life.
It’s a new topic that has been risky to discuss but I don’t regret my decision to do so at all. That topic is domestic violence and coercive control.
I’ve started writing about this relationship from a number of different angles and I’m proud of the work I’ve accomplished so far. I plan to continue to write about my experience in order to raise awareness about domestic violence and coercive control to those who haven’t experienced them so they might better understand how the manipulation and victimization often works and to offer information about how to support those being victimized. For victim/survivors my intent is to provide a safe place to share experiences or simply find comfort in knowing they’re not alone in their experiences and to emphasize that what happened to them or is still happening to them isn’t their fault.
I want to provide safe and well researched information about how to plan to leave an abusive relationship because it’s NEVER as simple as just walking out the door.
I also want to provide researched information and resources about different abuse tactics and spotting red flags early in a relationship. Further, I want to provide safe and well researched information about how to plan to leave an abusive relationship because it’s NEVER as simple as just walking out the door. I’ve begun exploring these topics in my posts Drowning in a Sea of Red Flags, and Abuse tactic, DARVO Explained- Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, Offender
The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when they’re ending an abusive relationship right up until a year or so after the relationship has ended. I feel very lucky to have made it out alive. I’ve shared how learned in counselling after the relationship exactly how high at risk for severe violence or death I was, in my blog Squeezing The Life Out Of Me: My Domestic Abuse Victim Risk Assessment Story
I plan to continue to highlight other cases involving domestic violence near where I live, around the rest of Canada, and perhaps the world
Writing about my experiences with domestic violence has brought up a lot of traumatic memories which have been difficult to cope with. Although I’m in counselling I still feel a great amount of shame, grief, anger, and anxiety when putting my experiences down in writing. This has been a risk to my mental health but I’m glad I’ve decided to share the information because, as previously mentioned, it’s been cathartic, and it’s made me feel like I’m producing something positive as the result of a negative experience.
I still feel a great amount of shame, grief, anger, and anxiety when putting my experiences down in writing. This has been a risk to my mental health but I’m glad I’ve decided to share the information
I also feel writing about my experiences with domestic violence has been risky because there’s a chance my abuser might see my content and want to retaliate. I still consider this to be somewhat risky but I’m not naming him and almost two years have passed since our relationship ended and I’ve not heard from him or seen him once. This helps to reassure me that the risk is worth the reward and I’m happy with the choice I’ve made.
What are your thoughts on this risk? Is there a risk you’ve taken that you don’t regret? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject in the comments here on WordPress or in the comment sections on any of the social media platforms where I drop my work❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
You pull into the underground parking garage and look for a space near the elevators but there’s nothing even close. You end up finding a space that’s about a 5 minute walk to the elevators. You gather your purse, reach a hand into a compartment to double check that you can easily reach the little button on the little plastic square. Satisfied, you ensure you can easily reach in to find the button quickly and easily, all the while you’re careful to keep your keys in hand.
You look around and notice the parking garage seems extremely quiet, in spite of the number of vehicles in the lot. You think of waiting until you see other people around before getting out of your car but you’re already running late. Unlocking your doors you carefully step out of your vehicle, again taking stock of your surroundings.
You think of waiting until you see other people around before getting out of your car but you’re already running late
You make a mental note of where the nearest emergency exit is, and look towards you destination. You can’t see all the way to the elevators because of the cars and trucks but you’re confident you’re heading in the right direction. The click of your heels against the concrete echos loudly, you listen carefully for any sound indicating other footsteps or anything out of ordinary. You glance between the rows of cars and watch for feet you can see between or behind cars, wanting to make sure you have a heads up if someone is trying to stay hidden from you.
If everything you’ve read so far is completely unfamiliar to you I urge you to keep reading
You’re always scanning for other people. Part of you wants to see others so you’ll feel less vulnerable and alone. Part of you hopes you’ll stay alone and away from anyone else because you feel more vulnerable with another person around, especially if there’s just one other person .
You ensure your keys are laced through your fingers carefully so the business end of each key sticks out from in between each finger, held just below the knuckles
You begin to pick up your pace when you hear footsteps behind you. You ensure your keys are laced through your fingers carefully so the business end of each key sticks out from between your fingers and is held just below the knuckles. If you’re attacked you’ve probably heard you’ll be able to use your keys to pack a bigger punch or to scratch at an adversary if you keep them held in your hand as mentioned.
Maybe you use a small compact to keep an eye on who’s behind you whilst looking as though you’re checking your makeup.
You pause for a moment, briefly stopping to pick up something you didn’t drop so you can see the person following behind you. You decide to stay squatted down, now pretending to adjust your shoes and tights. This gives enough time for the man behind you to walk past. Now you’re behind him and you’ll be able to see where he’s walking rather than just hearing him behind you.
When you finally step off the elevator and into the busy lobby you finally breathe a sigh of relief. You drop your keys into your bag and take your other hand away from the personal alarm button in your bag
You stand and continue on towards the elevators, dawdling a bit so you’re not waiting alone with the man for the elevator. When you finally step off the elevator and into the busy lobby you finally breathe a sigh of relief. You drop your keys into your bag and take your other hand away from the personal alarm button in your bag.
If you’re a woman or part of a vulnerable community such as LGTBQIA2S+ you are likely well aware of what it feels like to walk through an empty parking garage whilst staying hyper-alert to your surroundings. You probably behave in a similar manner if you’re walking in any secluded area, alone after dark, or in any other scenario where you find yourself feeling vulnerable.
being in a “non-vulnerable” position puts you in an excellent position to help out or even save the life of a vulnerable person
If you don’t fall into the category of a vulnerable person the walk through the parking garage I just described probably sounds a bit paranoid, a bit excessive, maybe even a little crazy. Unfortunately, being so hyper-alert often feels like the only way to stay safe for a vulnerable population. Not to mention that, if you are attacked you’ll likely be blamed for having had the gal to walk alone in a parking garage, as though you truly have a choice.
Ask any vulnerable person and they’ll instantly be able to say what they do on a regular basis to keep themselves safe
Ask any vulnerable person and they’ll instantly be able to say what they do on a regular basis to keep themselves safe. Perhaps they don’t lace their keys through fingers because they have a small personal weapon they prefer to have on hand, or perhaps they’ve decided they’ll use their water bottle to make a powerful blow against an attacker. Maybe they figure throwing their hot coffee at them would cause enough distraction for them to get away, or they have a whistle on their keychain to use to make a loud noise in order to scare away the bad guy and signal for help from the good guys, much like the personal alarm button is meant to do. Maybe they have a compact they carry so they can use the mirror to check behind them while looking as though they’re innocently checking your makeup. There are many different safety measures taken, the key commonality is that this entire group of people has thought long and hard about how to keep themselves safe.
You might be thinking that perhaps all these precautions aren’t needed because being attacked by a stranger is somewhat rare. In actuality someone wishing to cause harm, or to rob a vulnerable stranger may seek out a confrontation with them somewhere quiet and secluded like a parking garage where there’s lots of room to hide between cars and plenty of easy ways to lure in an unsuspecting victim (More information about general parking lot safety here: https://www.crime-safety-security.com/Parking-Lot-Safety.html). A parking garage also offers a secluded location for a stalker, a jilted ex-partner, a co-worker or past client with an axe to grind, to corner a victim, confront them aggressively, hurt, or do a lot of harm.
If everything you’ve read so far is completely unfamiliar to you I urge you to keep reading. Even if you don’t feel like you’re particularly vulnerable I implore you to start paying closer attention to your surroundings as well. You may not feel like you need to lace your keys through your fingers, or as though you want to carry a personal alarm but paying extra attention to who and what’s around you could save your life or the life of someone else. In fact, being in a “non-vulnerable” position puts you in an excellent position to help out or even save the life of a vulnerable person.
If you think someone is being followed but you’re not sure call out to them. When they turn to look at you give them a big friendly wave and smile
If you’re walking through a secluded area and you see someone who looks nervous and think they’re being followed or if you see them being confronted or attacked by another person it’s vital that you act quickly and decisively. If you think someone is being followed but you’re not sure call out to them. When they turn to look at you give them a big friendly wave and smile, try saying something like, “So glad to see you! I’m running really late for the staff meeting too, can I walk in with you, they won’t give us a hard time if we’re together right?” or, “Hey! I thought that was you. Remember me? We met at the conference last week. I’ve been wanting to talk to you again. Can we chat while we head upstairs?” or “Hey! You dropped this. Hang on, I’ll bring it to you.”
Once you have their attention, walk-jog confidently towards them with a smile. Glance at the person you’re concerned is following them. Make sure they know you’ve clocked where they are. Once you catch up to the person you’re trying to help, greet them with warm familiarity and if you feel safe doing so you can ask quietly if they feel safe, if they know the person following them, or just tell them you’d like to walk them to the elevator because you want to ask them a few questions about whatever comes to mind. The whole point is to make them safer just by being there.
If the confrontation doesn’t seem safe for you to get involved in make sure you can easily hit 911
If you see someone being aggressively threatened or attacked dial 911 immediately. If you think it’s safe to do so call out that you’ve called the police and stay on the line describing what’s happening and providing as good a description as possible of the attacker. Hopefully they’ll be spooked by you saying you’ve called the police and leave the other person alone.
If you see an emergency call button on the wall hit it as well as dialling 911. Once the aggressor leaves ensure the victim is uninjured, and let them speak to the 911 operator to give more details about the attacker. Do your best to make them feel safe while on the phone with 911 and stay with them until the police come, you’ve answered their questions, and you’re confident the victim is safe.
If you want to be a learn more about how you can keep yourself safe and/or learn how to help others experiencing a scary situation you can visit https://www.standup-international.com/us/en/our-training/bystander. Informative, short, videos about the prevention of street harassment are offered here. These videos offer great advice that can apply to many different situations you may have encountered or are likely to encounter at some point in the near future. Other resources you might find helpful are listed below:
Do you have a safety routine you follow when walking alone during the day or at night, especially somewhere secluded like a parking garage? Do you have any tips, tricks, or suggestions to add? Have you ever considered what it’s like to walk alone in a vulnerable position? What are your thoughts upon hearing these safety rituals many of us go through if it’s not something you’ve ever considered? I’d love to hear from you in the comments on WordPress or in the comment sections of the various social media platforms where I drop my work❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
I began suffering from crippling depression and anxiety around 2006, I’d experienced it off and on to a lesser degree prior, but I chose to begin seeking treatment then. Fortunately, I have a group of supportive friends and family who’ve not judged me for seeking treatment. They’ve been supportive and patient with me over the years as my mental health has deteriorated and improved.
I take my condition seriously because both the anxiety and depression are chronic conditions for me and I know it’s imperative I stay in tune with my psychological health
Today, I can honestly say I’m in much better shape to cope with the anxiety and depression. Unfortunately I still have panic attacks on occasion and my depression levels ebb and flow. Over the years I’ve learned many things that help me when things get tough.
I still seek regular therapy and work with my Doctor and pharmacist to ensure my mood doesn’t dip into dark and dangerous territory. I take my condition seriously because both the anxiety and depression are chronic conditions for me and I know it’s imperative I stay in tune with my psychological health.
Aside from discussing things with the supportive friends and family I mentioned, I’ve occasionally made the mistake of answering questions people I don’t know very well have about, specifically, what I’m doing to treat my condition on several occasions. I’ve then been cornered into conversations about:
How antidepressants don’t work and are all bad
How seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist or counsellor is useless
How I should be taking x-y-z vitamins instead of what I’ve chosen
How I can choose to not be anxious and depressed
How I should be using x-y-z therapy modalities instead of the modalities my therapist is using to help me
How if I just did this, or I just did that, I’d be better
how it’s all in my head and I just have to be stronger
And on and on and on…
None of this has EVER been helpful to me and I don’t believe it’s helpful to anyone else. Conversely, It’s pretty fucking stressful having these sorts of encounters.
Cornering a person you don’t know and telling them how to treat their mental illness when you’re not a doctor is wildly inappropriate, judgemental, cruel, and disrespectful. Asking a person if they take medication for their mental illness and what medication they take is a gross invasion of privacy.
Cornering a person you don’t know and telling them how to treat their mental illness when you’re not a doctor is wildly inappropriate, judgemental, cruel, and disrespectful
In this blog I do give suggestions about things to try that may be helpful for anxiety and depression. I’m not a medical professional though, I’ve just spent many years trying different coping strategies I’ve discussed with the therapists I’ve had and/or that I’ve researched in articles written by medical professionals or featuring interviews with medical professionals about mental health.
What I won’t ever tell anyone is that they should be doing something different from what they say works for them if they feel safe, aren’t hurting anyone, and feel like they’re moving toward healing. I’m open to hearing suggestions from readers about the things they find work for them as long as it’s not presented as though it’s the only way to go about improving mental health.
You don’t owe anyone information about what medication you’re taking
Here are 7 key things I want you to remember if someone corners you into a conversation/lecture about mental health and begins asking about treatment choices you’ve made with the guidance of a medical professional or if you’re trying to decide on treatment options:
You don’t owe anyone information about what medication you’re taking.
You don’t owe anyone a response regarding if you’re choosing to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counsellor.
If you’re choosing to read a certain book about anxiety and/or depression and you’re finding it helpful you don’t have to justify it to anyone.
As long as your treatment choices are keeping you safe and aren’t hurting you or anyone else you don’t have to justify your choices to anyone.
Don’t let anyone bully you into giving details about your personal medical information.
Please don’t assume that just because something is working for you it will work for someone else. If you’re discussing things you’ve found helpful you can make suggestions but don’t expect anyone to do exactly what you’re doing, and give the courtesy you want by not asking invasive questions about another person’s treatment decisions. If they offer up treatment information please don’t judge, just as you don’t want to be judged.
Don’t ever feel like you have to white knuckle it through mental illness alone. There’s no shame in reaching out to medical professionals for help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak to seek medical assistance and treatment.
I do highly recommend seeking the advice of your Doctor if you’re struggling with with your mental health. In the city of Calgary, where I live, there’s a service one can contact a website called Access Mental Health https://www.albertahealthservices.ca/services/page11443.aspx and they offer a wealth of information regarding mental health service options as well as a phone line where you can talk with an actual human who can assist you in finding the right places to start looking for help, this would be something to do on top of speaking to your family Doctor.
Don’t ever feel like you have to white knuckle it through mental illness alone. There’s no shame in reaching out to medical professionals for help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak to seek medical assistance and treatment
If you search your region in Alberta you’ll find information for areas other than just Calgary. If you live elsewhere in the country or world I’d suggest searching mental health services in your city or region for information about mental health services available wherever you are. You’re bound to find an abundance of resources that’ll point you in the right direction if you don’t have a family Doctor.
Have you ever had an encounter with someone who asks invasive medical questions and tries to ram their mental health theories and suggestions down your throat? How do you handle these types of situations? Are there any things you’d like to share that you’ve found helpful when coping with anxiety and/or depression? I’d love to hear your thoughts here on WordPress or in the comment sections of the many social media platforms where I also drop my blogs❤️
*If you like what you see in my blogs please hit the like button. It’s free and it helps my work get out to be seen by more people, and I’d truly appreciate the gesture.
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Chris- “I wanted to talk to you about something important to me. I feel like I need more help from you around the house. I really need you to do the dishes, sweep the floor, take out the garbage, that kind of thing more often, without being asked.”
Billie- “Are you kidding me right now? I do so much for our family! I’ve been at work all day to bring in money for us and now I’m coming home to you nagging me and getting angry for no reason.”
Chris- “I’m not angry, I’m just asking for more help around the house. We both work hard all day and we both need to help keep our home clean together.”
Billie- “You always do this! It’s been a long day, you know I’m tired and I just want to come home to a peaceful evening where we eat dinner, spend some quality time together, and enjoy each other’s company but you’ve always got to start shit and be negative.”
Chris- “I’m not trying to start anything. I want to spend time with you. I made a nice dinner for us but I just wanted to ask for more help around the house.”
there’s always something you’ve got to complain about. Why can’t you ever just be happy and positive?”
Billie- “Do you have any idea how stressful my day was? You sure know how to make things worse for me, there’s always something you’ve got to complain about. Why can’t you ever just be happy and positive?”
Chris- “I’m sorry, I know how hard you work and I’m not trying to be negative. Just come to the table so we can have dinner together?”
Billie- “Why the fuck would I want to spend time with you now that you’ve gone and stressed me out? You ruin everything with your negativity. I’ll be downstairs in my office trying to salvage a peaceful evening for myself.”
That is an example of what DARVO sounds like. DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, Offender. I’m going to use the simple conversation that just played out to illustrate exactly how it works. Then I’ll briefly go over why it’s so insidious, manipulative, and effective.
Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, Offender
In the first sentence Chris states in a calm, clear manner exactly what their concern is and how they’d like to see it remedied.
Instead of reacting in a reasonable manner, and considering their partner’s concern Billie fires back and defensively denies Chris’s point by saying, “I do so much for our family!” They also start an attack by using the line, “are you kidding me right now?” Also, they cleverly change the situation around to where they’re now the victim and Chris is the offender by adding, “I’ve been at work all day to bring in money for us and now I’m coming home to you nagging me and getting angry for no reason.”
Suddenly Chris is in a position where they have to defend themselves by saying, “I’m not getting angry.” They stay cool and stick to their original point, mentioning that they both work hard, and they just need a bit more help around the house.
“do you have any idea how stressful my day was?”
Billie immediately sidesteps the issue Chris wanted to calmly request by saying, “do you have any idea how stressful my day was?” They then go on to make it a case of Chris being a negative person and suggesting they should be a happier and more positive person.
This immediately shifts the conversation from being about a simple request for more help with everyday chores to it now being about how Chris is now the offender because they’re negative and they should be more happy and positive, and Billie is suddenly the victim of this so called negativity.
Now Chris finds themselves backing down, apologizing, and trying to make peace by suggesting Billie just come and enjoy the dinner Chris made
Now Chris finds themselves backing down, apologizing, and trying to make peace by suggesting Billie just come and enjoy the dinner Chris made so they can have some time together.
As a grand finale Billie reacts belligerently and exasperatedly as though they’ve been attacked and put upon so much by Chris that they can’t possibly spend time together now because Chris has ruined all chances for that with their supposed negativity. Billie then storms off to isolate themself away from Chris because they’re the unwitting victim of such a ridiculous attack.
Chris is now left feeling like they did something wrong to ruin the evening and they’re left to eat dinner alone and do all the clean up. On top of this they’re now likely feeling they now need to give Billie time to cool off before they can go apologize again
Chris is now left feeling like they did something wrong to ruin the evening and they’re left to eat dinner alone and do all the clean up. On top of this they’re now likely feeling they now need to give Billie time to cool off before they can go apologize again, perhaps even taking Billie’s dinner to their office and hoping they can maybe salvage a bit of an evening together afterwards by perhaps suggesting they watch a favourite tv show together. All the while the original ask for a little bit more help around the house is completely denied and likely forgotten because Chris is so concerned about making Billie feel better.
All the while the original ask for a little bit more help around the house is completely denied and likely forgotten because Chris is so concerned about making Billie feel better.
DARVO is a classic technique for manipulation. It’s not necessarily done with Billie thinking, “ha ha! I’m going to DARVO the shit out of this. Billie just knows that in order to get out of being the offender, having to say, “you’re right, I haven’t been pulling my weight around the house enough. Smells like you make something delicious for dinner. Why don’t we go eat and I’ll tidy afterwards.”
DARVO allows Billie to remain in a position of control and immediately puts Chris in a defensive position
DARVO allows Billie to remain in a position of control and immediately puts Chris in a defensive position where they’re suddenly apologizing for something completely unrelated to the perfectly reasonable request they made of Billie to start with.
In abusive relationships this technique is used over and over so the actual victim feels like they can’t ever make a simple request because it’ll turn into a situation where they’re in trouble and the abuser is in a place where they’re in a position of control by fear and tyranny.
Although it’s frustrating, DARVO alone does not make an abusive situation, but it definitely helps. When the abuser adds in verbal attacks, threats of or actual physical violence, and other modicums of coercive control, DARVO is usually one of their frontline weapons to use against their victim.
When the abuser adds in verbal attacks, threats of or actual physical violence, and other modicums of coercive control, DARVO is usually one of their frontline weapons to use against their victim
For further reading on the usage and effects of DARVO here are a couple more sources that offer further details:
What are your thoughts about DARVO? Do you recognize it as something that’s been used against you before or do you find yourself realizing that you’ve perhaps been using it? Do you have suggestions as to how one could combat it? It’s a tricky one for sure and it’s mentally exhausting when it’s what your requests are always met with. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below or in the comment sections of the many social media platforms I post my work on❤️
I’m back with Volume 2 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about super-serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me…
Today’s question nobody asked is; if you were stranded on a deserted island with plenty of food, fresh water, a whimsical shelter that includes your favourite art supplies from Volume 1, and a nice record player with decent speakers which 5 albums would you want to have with you?
*It’s important to note that when I say album I’m not thinking of a record with one or two huge hits. Those kinds of albums are fine but not if I’m stranded on the deserted island from Volume 1. I need the kinds of albums I can listen to repeatedly from start to finish and not get tired of. The kinds of albums I love to listen to.
Here they are, in no particular order:
Fleetwood Mac, Rumours – this album is packed with hits like, Don’t Stop, Dreams, and Go Your Own Way, to name a few, but even the non-hits are fantastic songs. There’s nothing on here I don’t want to listen to. This album also holds a special place in my heart because it’s full of nostalgia for me too. This record was frequently played when I was a kid, as music we had on in the background while dinner was being made and eaten, or while we were sitting around together playing cards or board games. To me it conjures warm memories of time spent together around the dinner table, discussing our day and laughing at inside family jokes. After dinner my parents almost always made a pot of tea and it was time for, “a talk with Timothy.” Timothy was the name of the adorable, ceramic, turtle-shaped cookie jar that was almost always full of homemade cookies my mom would make. “A talk with Timothy,” was code for, it’s time to drink tea and eat cookies. It’s impossible for me not to get warm happy feelings when thinking of this tradition whilst Rumours plays in the background, casually worming its way into my heart and mind forever.
Nirvana, Unplugged: Live in New York – Released in the mid 90’s, just before lead singer, Kurt Cobain’s untimely death by suicide at the young age of only 27. This is an album that could hold depressing feelings for me because I spent many an hour shut up in my bedroom, full of teenage angst, crying, writing poetry, and listening to this album on repeat. I don’t find it depressing now, I just lose myself in the incredibly soulful sounds of Kurt waling his vocals overtop the acoustic sounds of the band playing in the background. I absolutely cannot and will not, live without this album.
Tori Amos, Boys for Pele – If I have to choose just one Tori Amos album, and I do realize I don’t have to as this is my list and I could easily choose 5 Tori albums for this list… which is very tempting for me🧐 but I recognize the need for diversity. Diversity is exactly why I’m choosing this album. Pele has her rage, as found in the pounding anger of Professional Widow, and is also full of soft, introspective emotions as found in; Marianne, Hey Jupiter, and Putting the Damage On, as well as so many weird narratives that I can ponder like; Mr. Zebra, In the Springtime of His Voodoo, Little Amsterdam, & Muhammad My Friend. This album is such a wonderful friend of mine and I don’t want to live without her.
Taylor Swift, Folklore – Nobody was more surprised than myself when I fell in love with a Taylor Swift album. I had nothing against Taylor Swift but I certainly didn’t consider myself a fan. I just thought she was an icon for the generation of younger millennials that came along just after people like me, on the cusp of gen-x and millennials. Regardless of generational fandom, this album rocked my world. The storytelling vibe of each song is intoxicating. I’ve always been especially fond of narrative singer-songwriters like Joni Mitchell and Lenard Cohen and Folklore came out during the isolation of the pandemic and the indie-rock vibe of the whole album spoke to me on so many levels. Songs like Betty, Invisible String and Cardigan are such wonderful examples of beautiful love stories with evocative imagery and if you listen closely they’re also interconnected. There are also fascinating stories like; The Last Great American Dynasty, Exile, and Illicit Affairs. I also love the brooding melodies and moody lyrics of; Hoax, Mad Woman, and, My Tears Ricochet.
Florence and The Machine, Ceremonials – This is a perfect album to be stranded by the ocean with. There’s so much watery imagery in songs like; What the Water Gave Me and Never Let Me Go. The vibe of this body of work crashed over me like like a tidal wave of pure magic when I first heard it. There’s something almost ritualistic about it and I can imagine myself painting feverishly, dancing with wild abandon or lying on the floor by the speakers as I let it wash me away.
Emergency resupply drop albums – here are a few extra albums I’d ask for when a helecopter flies overhead to drop off supplies; Joni Mitchell, Blue, Fiona Apple, Tidal, Creedence Clear Water Revival, Willy and the Poor Boys, Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon, Tori Amos, The Beekeeper, Stevie Wonder, Innervisions, The Lumineers, (Self Titled), Hozier (Self Titled), Cat Stevens, Tea For the Tillerman, Teddy Swims, I’ve Tried Everything But Therapy Parts 1 & 2, Tom Waits, Greatest Hits, Joss Stone, the Soul Sessions, Aretha Franklin, Lady Soul…
Wooo! I’m going to leave it there or I’ll never stop. I’m sure there’s plenty I missed or I could sub in but this feels like a good list, and everybody likes a good list. All the blog post idea lists always include lists so they must be popular right?😉Whatever… this felt like a bit of lightening up and that’s the whole point of this post.
What albums would you have to have with you? Anything you think I missed and would be sad without? Let me know in the comments in WordPress or in the comment section of the many social media platforms where I share the links to my blogs♥️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
“Why did she go to his house? What did she think was going to happen there?”
“Why didn’t they leave if they felt they were being abused?”
“Why did she wear that outfit if she didn’t want to be touched?”
“They always play the victim card.”
“I wouldn’t have let that happen”
“I would have fought harder to get away.”
“If she didn’t say no, isn’t that a yes?”
“Getting that drunk and then being mad they had sex doesn’t mean it was sexual assault. They’re probably just embarrassed about their behavior so they’re making this accusation instead of accepting that they made a bad decision.”
“If you don’t watch your drink and someone slips you something it’s stupid to be mad about it and play the victim when you should have just kept a better eye on your drink.”
“Why don’t you decide to be a survivor instead of a victim?”
“If you allow yourself to be abused you can’t act like none of what happened is your responsibility.”
“If she didn’t want the attention she shouldn’t have sent him a nude picture. Everyone knows that type of content gets passed around so it getting out is just as much her fault as it is his for sending it to everyone.”
“They’re so ugly, there’s no way anyone sexually assaulted them.”
“They’re too old to be raped.”
“If you act like a slut you can’t expect to be treated like a lady.”
These are all examples of common victim-blaming statements. You might be thinking it doesn’t matter what other people say if you know the truth but there’s a problem with this kind of assumption. It’s extremely hard to come forward as a victim of domestic and/or sexual abuse and it’s nearly impossible not to internalize statements that blame the victim.
With this kind of culture, we’ve managed to build a world where victims are tried in the court of public opinion and the perpetrators often aren’t charged because victims don’t want to be put through the reporting process when they feel like they won’t be believed, they’ll be shamed publicly, they’ll be forced to relive the trauma by retelling their story ad nauseum, and they’ll likely have to face their abuser in court.
there’s always going to be something the victim did, said, wore, whatever, that’ll make their claim seem less valid but the bottom line is that nobody deserves abuse so looking for the “perfect victim,” is a moot point.”
Something important to remember when considering a person claiming to have been abused in one way or another is, there’s no such thing as a perfect victim. By this I mean there’s always going to be something the victim did, said, wore, whatever, that’ll make their claim seem less valid but the bottom line is that nobody deserves abuse so looking for the “perfect victim,” is a moot point.”
Another thing that’s important to remember when a victim comes forward is how rare false reporting is. According to a 2025 article regarding false reporting percentages by Katie Leithead, the average number of false reports is between 2%-8%. To read more about these numbers in detail here is a link to the full article https://evawintl.org/best_practice_faqs/false-reports-percentage/
protect them, and believe their stories rather than pick out little things that make them not fit into the profile of, “the perfect victim.”
Keeping in mind how unlikely it is for victims to make false reports doesn’t it make far more sense to stand with victims, protect them, and believe their stories rather than pick out little things that make them not fit into the profile of, “the perfect victim.”
If we focused on believing victims and fostering a system of respect and empathy towards them we would encourage more victims to feel safe enough to leave an abusive situation, report sexual abuse and domestic violence, and we’d make victims feel like they’re more likely to be believed and supported if they choose to go through the process of reporting and trying to get their abusers and/or rapists convicted and punished through the court system.
According to a 2023 article written by Oviasuyi Glory, “The perfect victim story puts so much burden on the victims who risk so much to have their voices heard. We must therefore encourage more women to speak up and stand by them. We must also shred the idea of ‘the perfect victim’ because it does not exist. It is a myth conjured to protect abusers and dangerous men.”
*I’ve provided a link to the at the end of this piece.*
“The perfect victim story puts so much burden on the victims who risk so much to have their voices heard”
What are your thoughts on the myth of, “the perfect victim?” Has reading this changed your opinion on how you view victims and abusers? I’d love to hear your opinions in the comments below or in the comment sections of the many social media platforms where I post my work❤️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Stepping forward I reach my arms up round his neck to give him a hug. To start, his embrace is gentle but it begins to grow firmer. I find this comforting and pleasant at first but he begins to squeeze me tighter, and tighter, until I can’t speak to tell him to stop, soon I can’t breathe. The last thing I remember is staring into his eyes with panic as he smiles back at me
*Before I begin telling this story I want to make it very clear that I’m not discussing my X-husband in these stories of abuse. He absolutely didn’t do these things to me and never would have. I’m discussing a person I’m going to call, C. He lived with me for 2 years.*
I’m sitting on the couch behind C’s Lay-Z-Boy watching a show with him, and I make the mistake of speaking. Immediately after making the comment about the show, I regret it. Rolling his eyes, C hits pause and turns around in his chair.
“why are you interrupting? It’s like you’re doing it on purpose to aggravate me. Why do you do that? Why do you insist on saying such stupid, vapid, shit?”
Sitting as still as possible I keep my eyes down, as if hoping I’ll become invisible to him.
“Hello? Why the fuck do you do that?”
Quietly and carefully I raise my eyes to meet his, “I thought since you were making comments it would be ok if I did.”
“I make intelligent observations, what you just said was stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you? You must have some sort of mental disorder you haven’t told me about. Do you?
“No”
“I don’t believe you. I want to know why your comments are so vapid. I thought you were smart but you tricked me into believing it. You catfished me didn’t you?”
I sit there quietly, saying nothing. I’ve learned staying silent is better than trying to answer. Keeping my eyes down I settle into silence and just let him berate me for the next half hour.
I’m not just scared of C, I’m terrified. My home is overflowing with eggshells, and it’s impossible for me to avoid them. Every step I take, every move I make, every breath I take, I risk setting him off. There’s often nothing I can do that won’t trigger his wrath and rage.
I contact https://fearisnotlove.ca/, a local shelter for abuse victims, about a year into the relationship and I ask my assigned counsellor to help me figure out a way to get C out of my house. They tell me to firmly tell him to leave and I do but he always responds by love bombing me with pretty words, or terrorizing me by screaming at me and calling me some of the most vile names I’ve ever heard.
When I can get him to communicate semi-rationally about leaving, he tells me he’ll need several months to find a new place and pack, and I’ll need to give him money for a security deposit, pay to get his car insured again, and cover all the other costs of moving, or he’ll be out on the streets, and it’ll be my fault. I give in and let him stay every time.
My counsellor tells me finding him a new place isn’t my problem. If he has to go to a shelter until he has the money to find somewhere to live, that’s out of my hands. I’m not safe with him, so I must get him to leave, and not in a few months, immediately.
When I begin to challenge all his long-standing tactics and get more assertive about asking him to leave, he throws me a curveball. He promises me he’ll take anger management classes, get new medication to help calm him down, and I fall for it.
I insist to everyone I’d told I was afraid of him and asked to be supportive while I was trying to get him to leave that he’s changed, his new medication is working, and I feel safe again. I even tell this to my counsellor as we run out of sessions together. He sticks to some of his promises for a couple of weeks, aside from never actually signing up for anger management classes.
I made excuses in public and suffered in private
When loved ones check in to see if I’m still okay, I lie and pretend to be because I’m embarrassed. I chose to let this person live with me, asked for support in getting him to leave, then fell for his lies about his new medication working, and his promise to take anger management classes. I felt like I’d chosen the abuse, like I deserved it, so I made excuses in public and suffered in private. I still hoped for change I knew would never come, and the danger mounted.
As the two-year mark grows closer, I am more and more fearful. Screaming and berating me, he traps me in corners, the bathtub, or my car. If I cower from him he yells, “you’re so manipulative! You know I’m not going to hit you. You’re not worth going to jail over.”
He frequently tells me he doesn’t want to even look at me or see me. He often adds that I don’t deserve him after he’s done so much for me.
I begin leaving the house in the morning well before he wakes up. Wandering in my neighbourhood, and into other neighbourhoods close by. I ignore the fact that my bad leg, and back ache. I am limping constantly and growing ever more exhausted. I Desperately want to keep walking and never go back home.
I often cry as I walk, scarcely believing this is my life. I can’t bring myself to walk away from the home I own, it belongs to me not him, and with the mounting debt I’ve incurred by catering to his every whim in order to avoid conflict, it’s all I have left and I’ll be lucky to keep it. Even though I’m scared to be at home I’m too ashamed to tell anyone I need help.
After my walks, I hide in the bedroom upstairs, drawing or trying to rest. All the while, I’m dreading him coming to ask me what I’m making for dinner, or to demand we go to a movie, or ask that I come watch something with him. I don’t want to do anything more for him. I don’t want to be trapped anymore, but I can’t see my way out.
My own home is a prison, and my warden plays video games and smokes pot in his Lay-Z-Boy in the living room all day, every day. If I so much as look his way when passing the living room, even though it’s impossible not to walk past when going out the door or into the kitchen, he screams that I’m maliciously distracting him and crossing his “boundary”.
Sometimes he tells me to text him if I want to talk to him and says he’ll let me know when he’s ready, but if I do this the rules suddenly change, and now I shouldn’t have texted him, now I’m supposed to just wait for him to come to me, or it’s suddenly okay to look into the living room to see whether he’s “engaged”.
He explains to me that if I hear certain music coming from his video games, it’s okay to ask him a question, but if I ask him a question while the particular music is playing, it’ll turn out he’s looking at his phone, and it wasn’t okay to look at him or speak to him. The rules are constantly in flux, so I can never do the “right thing”. When I break the rules, this leads to him following me around to yell at me, degrade me, and call me names.
My own home is a prison and my warden plays video games and smokes pot in his Lazy Boy in the living room all day, every day
One day while out walking, something snaps inside me, and I call the police non-emergency line and meet with an officer away from the house. He gives me some options, but it all sounded so scary. I decide I have no choice but to proceed in spite of my misgivings.
I called a friend to cancel our plans, and I’m finally honest with him about how C is behaving. He says he’d be there to pick me up in 10 minutes, and instead of using the police, we’d go oust him together. He is my close friend and my close friend’s dad, and could be an imposing figure when required.
We go to my house just as he’d suggested, and when I begin to meekly mumble to C that he can’t live with me anymore, my friend takes over. He yells at C that he has two days to pack his things and go. During those two days, he isn’t to so much as look at me or talk to me. He says he’ll be back to change the locks, and make sure C is gone at noon two days from then.
C plays the, “but I love her card,” but my friend isn’t having it. “If you actually love her you wouldn’t talk to her like you do, you wouldn’t treat her like you do, and you wouldn’t take advantage of her like you do. You’re done, pack your shit, and get out!”
C briefly tries to talk to me once my friend is gone, pleading again about how much he loves me, how we’re soul mates, but I just shake my head and walk upstairs. “It’s over.”
Once he’s gone I begin talking to a new counsellor at Fear is not Love and she gives me a Risk Assessment Test to give me a sense of how much danger C is to me and I’m shocked when she tells me the results. I’m in the top percentile for danger of serious injury or death by my abuser.
“has your abuser ever caused you to lose consciousness?” I start to say no but realize I can’t
During the test it isn’t until she begins asking questions that some of the danger signs I’d completely blocked out or disassociated from come back to me. One of the things that comes back to me was triggered by the question, “has your abuser ever caused you to lose consciousness?”
I start to say no but realize I can’t. The memory of an afternoon argument comes back to me. I’d managed to give him enough space afterward and, I thought, I’d also managed to apologize to him enough to satisfy his anger.
Stepping forward I reach my arms up round his neck to give him a hug. To start, his embrace is gentle but it begins to grow firmer. To start, this is comforting and pleasant, but he begins to squeeze me tighter, and tighter until I can’t speak to tell him to stop. Soon I can’t breathe. I remember staring into his eyes with panic as he smiles back at me.
I wake up on the living room floor several seconds, or maybe several moments later. C is standing up and looking down at me.
Disoriented I slowly say, “what happened? How did I get here?”
“You passed out for some reason, so I laid you down carefully”
“Why did I pass out? Did I hit my head?” I ask because I’m lying right next to the coffee table.
“I’m not sure why, maybe it was your medication and no, you didn’t hit your head. It’s a good thing I was holding you otherwise you might have.”
“That doesn’t make sense, my medication hasn’t made me pass out before. I’m kind of scared, how long was I out for?”
“Don’t be so dramatic, you’re fine. Come on, let me help you up.”
Chills run down my spine as this incident floods back into my mind. I’m shaking as I recount it to my counsellor.
“I couldn’t breathe and he just kept squeezing me and looking me dead in the eye with a smile. I can’t believe I forgot about that. Why didn’t I remember it until now?”
She tells me, “Memory surrounding trauma can be tricky, and you had the added issue of having been squeezed to the point of unconsciousness. I think you probably disassociated from the incident because it was so scary and because you passed out for part of it. A memory like this would be something you’d likely want to protect yourself from.”
Continuing with the test, I recall incidents of sexual coercion and abuse. She asks if he’s ever choked me, and I can’t say no.
Continuing to answer questions, I explain how he’d follow me from room to room to berate me and call me disgusting names. How he would back me into corners or trap me in the car or the bathtub to scream at me until he was almost blue in the face. I recall how he broke the bathroom door by slamming his hand into it repeatedly while yelling at me as I cowered in the corner of the bathtub.
“memory surrounding trauma can be tricky, and you had the added issue of having been squeezed to the point of unconsciousness. I think you probably disassociated from the incident because it was so scary and because you passed out for part of it, a memory like this would be something you’d likely want to protect yourself from.”
Fear Is Not Love Counsellor
“You’re going to give me a heart attack. Is that what you want? I’ll be dead, and it’ll be completely your fault for causing it with your behaviour!” This is a favourite tactic he uses to manipulate me.
Looking back, it suddenly becomes crystal-fucking-clear just how dangerous he is and how much peril I’d been in. Just acknowledging and recalling everything he’s put me through while taking that test was traumatic although my counsellor was incredibly gentle and kind.
“You’re going to give me a heart attack. Is that what you want. I’ll be dead and it’ll be completely your fault for causing it with your behaviour!”
C
I had nightmares for months and months after he was gone. The diagnosed CPTSD and general PTSD also caused vivid flashbacks, panic attacks, and deep dark feelings of depression and shame.
My counsellor repeatedly reminds me I’d resisted his dominance the entire time. I’d even asked him to leave repeatedly. However, even though she said his abuse wasn’t my fault, I still felt a deep sense of guilt about all the things he’d made me do, and how I allowed him to treat me.
Today I have fewer nightmares and flashbacks and I’m less ashamed but the PTSD isn’t completely gone. I do believe that test kept me from letting him find a way to worm his way back into my life. It was the splash of cold water I needed to understand how much peril I’d been in and was still in, even after he was gone.
As I mentioned , it’s been almost two years since he left and I still struggle with feelings of fear and nightmares. I’m still digging myself out of debt and I’ve managed to hang onto my house. The debt incurred while he lived with me causes me the most shame. I try not to but I feel stupid for allowing him to “borrow” and coerce me into spending on him.
I’ve taken a lot of time to listen to podcasts, watch YouTube videos, and read about abuse, coercive control, and I now better understand he’s a professional when it comes to taking advantage of women. He knew exactly what he was doing and, unfortunately, I won’t be the last person he takes advantage of and terrorizes. My hope is that by telling these stories I can inspire other abuse victims to leave their abusers and recognize how dangerous these types of situations are.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship I urge you to contact a domestic violence shelter for assistance in crafting a safe exit plan. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a victim but the only way to find safety is to get out of the abusive relationship.
If you have questions I encourage you to leave them in the comment section on WordPress or on the many social media platforms I distribute my blog on. If you want more privacy you can DM me on either Facebook or Instagram. If you’re not in an abusive relationship I ask you to consider sharing this post, while it may not provide useful information to you it may reach someone who desperately needs to hear this story💖
Before I begin telling this story I want to make it very clear that I’m not discussing my X-husband in these stories of abuse I plan to share. He absolutely didn’t do these things to me and never would have
I’m discussing a person I’m going to call, C. He lived with me for almost 2 years, although I began regretting my decision to let him move in before it even happened. I absolutely should have listened to my instincts and not ignored the sea of red flags I was about to drown in.*
*Writer’s note
Huddled in the bathtub, naked, exposed, tears rolling down my face, I’m trying to make myself as small as possible. I push myself further back against the wall of the tub, drawing my knees up to my chest, wishing I could just disappear.
C is looming over me, face red, and contorted with anger. Long, finger stabbing the air towards me.
“Don’t fucking cry. That’s so fucking manipulative and it’s fucking disgusting. You’re just a spoiled-brat-only-child, you stupid bitch.”
Silently nodding mechanically at every accusation, I keep my head down as salty tears drop into my bath water.
“Why the fuck would you drop a stress bomb onto me when you knew I was trying to calm down after making the stressful phone call I had to make this morning because you refuse to advocate for me.”
“I didn’t ask you to think. I asked you to leave me the fuck alone!”
~C~
“I’m sorry, I tried calling yesterday but they said they had to talk to you personally. I’m trying to help as much as I can. That’s why I wrote up the letter you told me was urgent right away. I thought you’d want to see it as soon as it was ready. I knew you were really stressed out so I did what you told me to do instead of speaking to you. I sent you a text saying the letter was ready when you’re ready to look at it and I emailed the letter to you so it wouldn’t be as upsetting. I just wanted to be sure I’d done it correctly and you didn’t want me to make any changes… I’m sorry. I… I… just thought…”
“I didn’t ask you to think. I asked you to leave me the fuck alone!” Slamming his open palm against the barn door to the bathroom three times for emphasis.
Seeing he’d used enough force he’d pulled the screws holding it to the wall right out of their anchors, I cowered further into the corner. I tried to hold it in but a sob escaped my lips.
“stop fucking cowering! I’m not going to fucking hit you and you know it. You’re not fucking worth going to jail over. You’re so fucking manipulative! I can’t even look at you anymore. I don’t want to see you until bedtime, when I expect you to be asleep. I don’t want to hear your voice or see your face until tomorrow!
~C~
Turning his wild eyes back to me he yelled, “stop fucking cowering! I’m not going to fucking hit you and you know it. You’re not fucking worth going to jail over. You’re so fucking manipulative! I can’t even look at you anymore. I don’t want to see you until bedtime, when I expect you to be asleep. I don’t want to hear your voice or see your face until tomorrow!
Storming out of the washroom, he tried yanking the door closed behind him but it wouldn’t move because he’d pulled it off its tracks when he slapped the screws out of their anchors. He ignored the destruction he’d caused and went stomping down the stairs to park himself in front of his video game and his giant vape, where he’d vape balloon after balloon of weed I’d paid for.
Sobbing with despair and shaking with fear I felt completely hopeless. I feared I’d never find a way to get him to leave. I’d never felt so trapped or so alone as I did right then.
It may have been in a terrifying, abusive relationship I ended up in but it didn’t start off with me being trapped in the corner of my bathtub. It was a slow and insidious start, awash with red flags.
From the first time he came over he began slowly but surely chipping away at every rule I had for my home and how I wanted to be treated with the precision of a journeyman stone mason.
I believe he started with pushing back on small rules, learning how to break them down, thus learning how best to break me down and manipulate me.
He began by insisting he wanted to smoke pot and cigarettes inside my apartment. This was a rule I’d never broken in that apartment. I explained this to him expecting he’d drop the subject upon hearing, “no,” and simply step outside onto my generously sized, comfortable, & easy to access balcony.
I’m not proud but I finally gave in and said we could break the rules for just that one day
He didn’t drop the subject though, he began to push harder. “The smell of pot is gone in a few minutes, nobody would ever know,’ “we’ll just light some incense and nobody will notice the smell,””Just open the window a bit and we can blow the smoke right outside,””Why do you even care? You just said you’re moving out soon anyway!” “It’s cold outside” *grown man pout*. He repeated the same reasons for wanting to break my rules over and over until I cracked.
I’m not proud but I finally gave in and said we could break the rules for just that one day. I thought I’d made clear it was for just that one day. But it did happen again. Every. Single. Time. Letting him do what he wanted was easier than coping with listening to the barrage of reasons why he didn’t think my rules were important.
The first morning after he slept over I woke up early and figured I’d make myself a cup of coffee, sit in bed and read while he slept because he’d told me he usually slept much later than my usual rise time of 6am.
To my surprise he came out to use the washroom just as I was walking back towards my room, coffee cup in one hand, book in the other.
To my surprise he came out to use the washroom just as I was walking back towards my room, coffee cup in one hand, book in the other
His expression instantly changed and an anger I’d never seen before bubbled up. “That’s really selfish. Why didn’t you ask what I wanted and make something for me too? It would’ve been nice to wake up to my caffeine fix.”
Flustered and tripping all over myself I explained that he’d been sleeping, I wasn’t sure how he usually took his coffee, and I didn’t want to wake him. Also, I had a Tassimo so I’d just planned to pop whatever he wanted to drink into the machine and it would be ready and hot for him in about 30 seconds.
“if you’d bothered asking me last night you’d know I don’t drink coffee. I only drink green tea, in my travel mug with a couple teaspoons of honey and one ice cube. It’s clear you only care about serving yourself.”
He sneered, “if you’d bothered asking me last night you’d know I don’t drink coffee. I only drink green tea, in my travel mug with a couple teaspoons of honey and one ice cube. It’s clear you only care about serving yourself though.”
I instantly felt horrible, put the kettle on and began digging around in my stash of teas for a green one. Fortunately, I finally found one as the kettle began to whistle. Turning around to triumphantly to show him I’d found a tea bag for him I was surprised to find he was gone. I shrugged and went back to the bedroom carrying his travel mug where I found he’d already gone back to sleep. I set his travel mug next to him and took my cup back to the kitchen to reheat whilst alarm bells I should have paid heed to jangled in my head.
Sharing a bottle of wine together one evening a couple weeks later a friend called because I had borrowed her thing-a-ma-bob and she needed to stop by and pick it up. She sounded upset so I asked her what was wrong. Her voice cracked and she sobbed into the phone, “I went on a date and it was horrible, my kids are at their dad’s place and I miss them, and my body hurts all over and the doctors still aren’t taking me seriously.”
Asking her to hold on a moment I muted her and explained what was going on to C. He suggested she join us. “Sounds like she needs cheering up with a fun evening.”
“Sounds like she needs cheering up with a fun evening.”
Soon she was over and we were enjoying ourselves, except C kept interrupting her immediately after he asked her a question. I finally asked gently for him to give her time to respond. He glared at me momentarily, then regained his composure before turning back to her.
The evening was progressing nicely when I heard my downstairs neighbour open the outer door. He was an amazing guy who I got on with incredibly well. We were both newly separated, we were both artsy weirdos and, by some bizarre stroke of fate, we found out we were 4th cousins on my mom’s side! Of course I’d told C all about him and he said he was looking forward to meeting him.
My phone rang a few minutes later “Are you having some sort of party without me cuz?”
Laughing I replied, “It’s a very small party but you’re welcome to come join us.”
A few minutes later he arrived and introduced himself to C and we were all chatting happily. When I looked around a few minutes later I noticed C was sitting out on the balcony staring off into space. I went outside and pulled a chair up next to him, I went to take his hand but he jerked it away.
“Did your cousin just show up or did you invite him?”
“A bit of both honestly, he called and asked if I was having a party, I said not exactly but he should join us. You mentioned wanting to meet him so I figured this was as good a time as any.”
“I thought I could trust you but this really gives me pause. I didn’t think you were such a self centred bitch.”
Eyes darkening with anger, “Why the fuck would you do that without asking me? You know I have social anxiety. What a selfish thing to do.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be selfish. You mentioned that you were looking forward to meeting him so I didn’t think you’d mind. I should have checked with you first though. I’ll make sure I do in the future.”
Soon my friend and cousin left and I suggested we get back to our romantic evening.
Glaring at me, eyes gleaming with fury C spat, “Why the fuck would we do that. You selfishly let our romantic evening be taken over by your friends and now it’s ruined.”
Taken aback I said, “you said I should invite my friend to join us because you thought she needed a nice, social evening. If you weren’t ok with it I wish you’d told me. I’d have told my friend I’d meet her tomorrow for a walk instead and she could have just picked up her thing-a-ma-bob and left. My cousin wouldn’t have come up if it was just the two of us.”
“I told you about my social anxiety. You should have known I wouldn’t be comfortable.”
I struggle with social anxiety too so it wasn’t too hard to wrap my head round his point. Then again, he knew these were two very important friends and he’d wanted to meet them. He’d even told me he’d hoped he’d meet my cousin outside every time he came over because he wanted to introduce himself.
“I can’t believe you’d put me in such an uncomfortable situation and what made you think it was ok to embarrass me in front of your friend?”
“I’m not sure what you mean about embarrassing you but I am honestly sorry for making you uncomfortable by not talking to you about inviting my cousin to come up for a drink.”
“You should have known better. It’s disgusting and so selfish that you just invited all your friends over when we were supposed to have a romantic night in and You should know what I’m talking about when I say you embarrassed me”
“Again, I apologize. I really didn’t mean to upset you or make you uncomfortable tonight. I’m not sure how I embarrassed you though.”
“When you told me to stop interrupting your friend. That was so fucking rude. Why would you think it would be ok for you to say something like that in front of someone I don’t know? And you told me to turn the music down more than once in front of everyone. Do you even care about me or am I just a good looking guy you’re too lucky to have? I could have any other girl in a second you know. You’re not fucking special. You’re just a fat bitch and I don’t need this shit.”
“Maybe you should go.”
“If I walk out that door you’ll never see me or hear from me again. You’ll spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t let me walk away. Nobody else would put up with the selfish bullshit you pulled tonight.”
“Look I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I’ve said it a dozen times now. I won’t let anything like that happen again but there’s no reason you should be calling me names and saying such disgusting things to me.”
“Seriously, you’re so fucking entitled. No wonder you’re divorced. Why the fuck would anyone have married you in the first place?!”
I couldn’t help it, I’d been trying not to but he’d been berating me for nearly an hour by this time and I burst into tears.
“Seriously?! You manipulative fucking bitch. Don’t fucking cry. It won’t work on me.”
“I’m sorry baby, I just get going sometimes and I can’t stop. I’m like a broken record and I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I forgive you, I just need you to be more careful in the future. I want there to be a future for us. I’m falling in love with you.”
“I’m not trying to manipulate you. You’ve been berating me about tonight and what a terrible person I am for almost an hour and I can’t take it anymore. You want to leave? Go! I don’t need to be treated like this.”
Softening suddenly he stepped closer to me, “I’m sorry baby, I just get going sometimes and I can’t stop. I’m like a broken record replaying the same part over and over and I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It’s ok. I forgive you, I just need you to be more careful in the future. I want there to be a future for us. I’m falling in love with you.”
I should’ve run for the hills as soon as those words left his mouth. It had only been a few weeks and I knew it wasn’t possible to fall in love so fast. I knew it was a giant red flag just like so many more red flags he’d unfurled before that night. I ignored the red flags though, leaping over them with reckless abandon.
“I think I’m falling in love with you too.”
And those were the first few biggest red flags I recall blowing past before I was in too deep and saw no way out. I wasn’t trapped just yet but it wouldn’t be long…
Thank you for reading💖
This was a tough one to write and truly appreciate it if you stuck around long enough to get to the end. I’d love to hear your comments on what you think the biggest red flags were in that sea of red. Have you ever overlooked red flags and regretted the consequences later on down the road? Let me know. I’d also love it if you’d consider subscribing if you found me through WordPress. If you’re here reading because you followed my link from another app I’d also be thrilled if you subscribe. Heaps of good karma will come your way, you can check out all the other great WordPress blogs, and you’ll be able to comment right into the comment section here.
The pandemic that dominated the first few years of the decade brought about an increase in the popularity of sourdough bread making, mass panic over potential toilet paper shortages, and, unfortunately, domestic violence. During lockdowns, while we were all trapped in our homes, victims suddenly found themselves trapped with their abusers constantly. Where usually victims would have been left alone while they and/or their partners went to work and much time was often spent taking children to various activities, there was suddenly no reprieve from their abusers during lockdown.
As a result of this increase in domestic violence The domestic violence distress signal was created in Canada by The Canadian Women’s Foundation. This hand signal was made so victims of abuse could signal to others that they needed help, in public situations, over video call sessions on apps that became extremely popular during that time like Skype, Zoom, and Facetime.
Discussing a need for assistance because of coercive control and domestic violence was virtually impossible because one never knew if their abuser was within earshot. The distress signal was developed so it could easily and subtly convey that the user was in an increasingly dangerous situation they needed help with and they didn’t want to risk alerting the abuser. A friendly chat with friends or family might be a victim’s only chance to convey their dire need for help.
Since the development of the signal in Canada it has spread all over the world as a way to help victims communicate distress. It has been used on many occasions to save lives, including that of a kidnapped teen in the USA who made the signal to a passing motorist, who in turn contacted the authorities. They were then able to get the kidnapper to pull over and his victim was set free.
The Domestic Violence Distress Signal looks like this:
Hold one hand up with the palm facing forward like the gesture commonly used to tell someone to stop
Next fold your thumb into the middle of your palm
Finally trap your thumb by folding your fingers down around it to make an upright, forward-facing fist
This gesture may be repeated several times by the victim while trying to make eye contact to signal distress in a way that’s safe
The following pictures show a visual representation of how to give the hand signal:
Hold one hand up with the palm facing forward like the gesture commonly used to tell someone to stop
Next fold your thumb into the middle of your palm
Finally trap your thumb by folding your fingers down around it to make an upright, forward-facing fist
Signal Received, Now What?
If you see someone making the above gesture it’s important to take stock of where you witnessed it before deciding how to handle it. Most important to do is to decide how to proceed in a manner that keeps you, the victim and, if they have children, safe. The last thing you want to do is loudly ask why they’re making that hand gesture or what they’re wanting help with. Subtlety is key.
If you’ve seen someone give the DV distress here are some ideas for how to handle the situation:
If you see someone make this signal while driving contact 911 and report whatever you can; write down the license plate number, make and model of the vehicle, the colour of the vehicle, a description of those in the vehicle to the best of your recollection, and who was making the distress signal.
If you see someone make the distress signal while they’re seated in a restaurant or at a party it’s important to devise a way to separate the person who made the signal from the other people they’re with. Perhaps you go up to them and start talking like an old friend, saying it’s been so long since you’ve seen them. Then, claiming you don’t want to be rude and interrupt everything else, take the person aside under the guise of wanting to exchange phone numbers and catch up briefly, have them quickly type what’s wrong and how best to help into your notes app. If you need to act a bit pushy and loud in order to separate the person, do it, you could be saving a life.
Also in a public setting you could give them a subtle eye or hand signal for them to meet you in the restroom so you can find out how you can help. Maybe they want to give you a phone number for future communication, perhaps they need to use your phone to look up information about a women’s shelter but they’re afraid their partner will find the evidence on their phone, or maybe they want you to contact the police and will give you a full description of their vehicle as well as the address the police should go to in order to help.
If you can get the signaller alone and have resources already googled on your phone that’s extremely helpful. This way they can quickly point to what would be most helpful and determine if they need your help making a call so it doesn’t appear in their phone history, or maybe they want you to call 911 once they go back to their table so the police will come to help. Make it clear that the victim should be separated from their abuser and provide names and descriptions of both victim and abuser.
If the victim makes the signal during a video call it’s important to act quickly in order to find out what kind of help is needed. You might try claiming the video connection is going poorly on your end and say you’re going to call their phone directly to speak just via voice. Once you have them on the voice call ensure they don’t have you on speaker, and ask a series of yes or no questions in order to find out what’s wrong and what kind of help they need.
Of utmost importance, if you see someone giving the signal don’t just let it slide. It’s very important that if you see something, say something, in the safest manner possible.
IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING
How To Confess You’re In Distress
If you’re the one making the distress here are some things to remember:
Be extra vigilant about your safety and try to remain in or go to public places and/or find ways to get onto video calls. It’s extremely important that you give yourself as many opportunities as possible to give the signal to someone who can help. Continue trying to make the signal and find ways to get help for yourself.
Here are some ways you might go about giving the signal:
While out at a restaurant you could try to catch another patron’s eye or the eye of your server, and give them the signal from under the table or next to your seat so your abuser won’t have a direct line of sight to it. If you’re able to safely do so, excuse yourself to use the washroom and see if you can get whoever you signaled to follow you so you can give them a quick breakdown of how they can best assist you while in private.
Depending on if you can get out of your abusers’ line of sight you might instead be able to pull aside someone who works in the restaurant if you managed to signal them and ask for help.
If there’s no way to get away from your abuser, even momentarily, don’t give up and don’t lose heart. It’s just time to take a different approach.
This will require a bit of planning but should be easy enough to do. Find 5-10 minutes of privacy at home, perhaps while you’re in the washroom or they’re in the washroom, while your abuser is sleeping, or while you’re in a separate room and won’t be interrupted. You’ll need a few scraps of paper and a pen. Write down the broad strokes of what you need help with, who you are, and how to find you. For example:
Need help escaping abusive partner
I’m Kim Barraclough, 2 children,
my abuser’s name is Joe Blow.
Send police to #7 Soul Forge Avenue, Alchemy, Alberta
Make up several scraps of paper with these words on them and put them in your pocket or purse.
*It’s of utmost importance that you guard against your partner finding and/or seeing them. Ensure they’re secure but easy to access.
Now, armed with your helpful scraps of paper, If you’re unable to get away to speak to anyone in the washroom or any other private setting you can still go about making eye contact and the hand signal. As you’re walking past the table of the person you signaled or after making the signal to a cashier or restaurant server, crumple up one of the scraps of paper you made up and drop it on the table, counter, or floor while ensuring they see it.
You can try to give the signal to passing vehicles, much like the young lady who’d been kidnapped. If your abuser asks what you’re doing, make a joke about waving to random strangers to see if they’ll wave back or something to that effect. Hopefully one of the people who drove by will recognize the signal, remember details of your vehicle and who’s in it, and call the police.
You can also make to signal inconspicuously while on a video call, and your abuser isn’t paying close attention to you. If the person then calls you on a voice only call you can put headphones on so only you will hear what they’re saying and you can then tell them what you need by answering a series of yes or no questions.
Try to find as many reasons as possible to stay in public as long as possible so you can be trying to get help for yourself as soon as possible. Also, in general it’s safer to be in public for protection from an abuser. It’s harder for them to act out in public.
These are just a few ideas for how you might go about using the distress signal and absolutely not an exhaustive list. If you can think of more ways to give or receive the signal please post them in the comments. The more suggestions in circulation the better.
For further information & resources from the Canadian Women’s Foundation please click the link below.
Another Distress Code Word For Assistance While Out At Night
If you or a friend experience a distressing situation, like another patron who’s harassing you, inappropriately touching you, following you, or if you’re experiencing difficulties with your significant other while out at a nightclub, bar, or pub, you can try ordering an Angel Shot from the bartender directly. This signals to the bartender that you’re in distress and they can discreetly offer you assistance such as a walk to your car, calling you a taxi, walking you out, and waiting until you’re safely in the cab, or calling the police if you feel the situation warrants it.
To learn more about the various ways to use this signal have a look at the link provided. If you work in the food and beverage industry consider making your establishment aware of this information and educating everyone on what to do if someone uses this code.
My favourite brands are small. My favourite brands are unrecognized as “brands”. The less brand-ier the better.
My favourite brands are the ones I find in thrift stores, farmer’s markets, and craft fairs.
My favourite brands are the ones I find in thrift stores, farmer’s markets, and arts & craft fairs. I don’t give a flying fuck if the brands I choose at thrift stores are recognizable, in fact it’s better if they’re not. If it fits well, makes me feel confident, and comfortable, it’s my favourite brand. I learned a long time ago that confidence doesn’t come from having a logo tattooed across my chest, I’d much rather wear my heart on my sleeve.
My favourite brands at farmer’s markets are the stalls with the most reasonable prices, for the most delightful products like, homemade antipasto, melt-in-your-mouth fudge, flavoured popcorn, and handmade oils. I love to suss out the softest, crustiest breads, especially sourdough and croissants. I also enjoy finding the freshest fruits and veggies. I don’t care about fancy signage, although I am amused by a clever slogan, I’m not necessarily sold by one, but I am amused.
If I have the pleasure of attending a craft fair or art market, and I’m blessed with the budget, I love to find one-of-a-kind gifts for friends, family, and, occasionally, myself. I love meeting the artist who used their hands to make unique pottery pieces, clever stickers, beautiful art cards, upcycled jewelry, handcrafted art supplies, and inspiring art.
I recognize that I can’t always afford the farmer’s market, craft fairs & art markets, sometimes my budget requires I shop at Walmart. However, when I do shop at Walmart I try to buy local or Canadian brands whenever I can. This way I know at least some portion of my money is going to smaller businesses.
My favourite brands come from real people, who put their heart and soul into providing fresh food, unique artistry, and donated clothing. I sometimes have the pleasure of meeting the artists and growers with the small but progressive businesses I love and it’s always an inspiring pleasure. What are your favourite brands? Would you rather support small businesses whenever you can or would you rather support the likes of multimillion or multibillion dollar businesses run by people who don’t make a damn thing except more and more money?
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me…
The question nobody wants to know is; which 5 creature comforts would I want with me?
In the past I’ve discussed being stranded on a deserted island surrounded by an ocean with plenty of food, fresh water, a whimsical shelter that includes my favourite art supplies from Volume 1. My island also includes a nice record player with decent speakers and the 5 albums I can’t live without from Volume 2. In volume 3, I’m still on my deserted island and the question nobody wants to know is; which 5 creature comforts would I want with me?
A cozy, comfortable king sized bed with pink, cool, silky bamboo sheets, a light cotton duvet, a hot pink bamboo duvet cover, a canopy bed frame, and pink mosquito netting surrounding the bed.
My 2 cats, plenty of food, a water dish, toys, fur and claw maintenance items, a litter box, a plentiful amount of litter, as well as a fenced in patio where it’s safe for the cats to be supervised while enjoying, and exploring a bit of time and space outside, as well as space to lounge in the sun. It’s also important to note that the king sized bed is mostly there so I have room to sleep in “their” bed with them.
An ice maker & blender so I can have cold water, fresh juices, and smoothies. Are an ice maker a blender two separate items? I don’t really care, I’m listing them both as my #3 but you’re welcome to debate this choice in the comment section. Why do I want these items? My island conveniently comes with and orchard including cherry, lemon, lime, orange, apple, grapefruit, pear, and plum trees, grapevines, raspberry canes, a strawberry patch, an herb garden, and a vegetable garden. Having all of these options available to make juices and smoothies with is important. The fact that I discovered my shelter has a secret cellar full of wine, rum, tequila, vodka, gin, scotch, and vermouth makes having the ice maker and blender even more fun. I don’t drink a lot of alcohol but it’s especially lovely that when I do want an alcoholic beverage I can make mixed or blended drinks that’ll be nice and cold from the ice.
A jacuzzi tub with plenty of jets to sooth my chronic pain as well as a plentiful supply and variety of scented Epsom salts, bubble bath, shampoo, conditioner, Turkish towels, a silky bath robe and slippers. I take a lot of baths because I find bathing in Epsom salts particularly soothing for my back and bad leg.
Occasional visits from my friends, family, and partner. This is important to me because, as much as I love having lots of time alone I do need some social engagement. If the odd visitor shows up from time to time I’ll gladly cook us meals made fresh from the gardens and orchards, as well as fresh seafood from the nets I bait and lay out. I don’t need a lot of seafood all at once for myself but I will be catch or gather extra fish, crabs, clams, mussels, and lobster to cook when a guest shows up. It’s also lovely that I’ll be able to offer them a wide variety of both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks.
That’s it, those are the 5 things I’d want to keep myself comfortable on my deserted island. You might wonder if I’m truly stranded on a deserted island if I’m having a helicopter drop off supplies occasionally and if friends, family, and my partner show up occasionally as well. You’re welcome to debate this in the comment section, but keep in mind that this is my island and it is how I say it is.
What creature comforts would you have to have with if you were stranded on your own deserted island? Anything you think I missed and would be sad without? Let me know in the comments on WordPress or in the comment section of the many social media platforms where I share the links to my blogs♥️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Imagine for a moment you’re a celebrity with plenty of money, 6 children you adore, a Chateau in the French countryside, homes in other countries all over the world, timeless beauty, a reputation for being extremely smart, and a handsome husband who’s currently drunk and belligerent in front of the kids again.
He reacts towards you violently and your 16 year old son is hurt when he steps in to protect you. Embarrassingly your husband won’t settle down or stop his violent outburst and you’re forced to make an emergency landing because of how out of control and unsafe the situation has become
You’re flying on your private jet and you’re trying to be patient with him but he flies into a rage, trying to hurt and humiliate you more than once. He reacts towards you violently and your 16 your old son is hurt when he steps in to protect you. Embarrassingly your husband won’t settle down or stop his violent outburst and you’re forced to make an emergency landing because of how out of control he is and how unsafe the situation has become.
Instead of fawning all over your him, covering for him, and carrying on like nothing happened you decide to take your children and leave him behind to deal with the authorities. You make formal notice of your separation through your PR team. You don’t comment on the airplane fight, you just focus on hammering how important it is for the kids to have time to heal.
The only thing you do is find a find a suitable home to rent, shield your kids from the media firestorm raging around you, and ensure they have a safe place to heal from the scary scenes they’ve witnessed, heard, and, in some cases been physically affected by.
When word of the onboard fight gets out and intermingles with the news of your separation. The only thing you do is find a find a suitable home to rent, shield your kids from the media firestorm raging around you, and ensure they have a safe place to heal from the scary scenes they’ve witnessed, heard, and, in some cases been physically affected by.
At first the actress is publicly lauded as a hero for making her kids a priority. The public and press seem to agree she’s done the right thing in getting them away from their father, who’d just been violent both her and her 16 year old son.
We love to put a woman on a pedestal and chip away at the base until she topples over entirely.
I knew sympathy for her wouldn’t last long. It never does. We love to put a woman on a pedestal and chip away at the base until she topples over entirely.
As I suspected would happen it wasn’t long before the media, then the public would soon find reasons to ignore her reasons for wanting to get herself and her children away from her husband until he made some changes in his behaviour. Part of me believes, at this stage, there needn’t even be a smear campaign going on behind the scenes to grind her name into the mud and let him rise to the top.
they will soon face the wrath of the public for daring to do what they were just praised for doing
It seems to me that women in the public eye can expect that if they gain public sympathy for being wronged or abused by their male partner they will soon face the wrath of the public for daring to do what they were just praised for doing. Now they’re blamed for “getting themselves into the situation in the first place”, and possibly for “setting a bad example for young fans who need to learn they shouldn’t accept abusive behaviour from a partner.”
Sound confusing and non-sensical? That’s because it’s both at the same time. It’s weaponized misogyny at its finest but you don’t dare mention that because then you’re just another lunatic feminist who’s too blinded by their feminism to see who the real victim is… the man. She’s obviously a diva, difficult to live with, a bad partner, she must’ve driven him to it, or perhaps she was the mastermind behind his downfall. Surely it can’t be his fault.
It’s weaponized misogyny at its finest but you don’t dare mention that because then you’re just another lunatic feminist who’s too blinded by their feminism to see who the real victim is… the man
For further explanation I’d like to offer you another story. this time it’s a female model, married to a male singer she’s frequently on the receiving end of most of the hate. She made the mistake of falling in love and marrying her husband in a quick, whirlwind romance only months after his breakup with his much-loved, previous, on-and-off-again, long-time girlfriend.
From the moment their relationship was made public the paparazzi, and soon, the public, began to call the wife a stalker, a home-wrecker, a nepo-baby, ugly, stupid, scary, calculating, obsessed, disgusting… every name that possibly comes to mind. Once they’re married footage of him being an asshole to her begins to show up, but instead of this garnering any sympathy others might be afforded she’s promptly called out as, “getting what she deserves.” Cruel lines like, “I wouldn’t blame you (husband’s name), I wouldn’t be able to stand being nice to her either,” or “why is she always tagging along with him like a shadow, doesn’t she know she doesn’t have to stalk him anymore now that they’re married,” obviously he’s still in love with (his ex), he needs to dump her so things can go back to normal. He’s clearly unhappy that he married her and I don’t blame him, look how she acts.”
She does a few things in the media that make her look a little less than likeable. Now she’s labeled a “mean girl,” on top of all the other names she’s being called.
They have a baby together and soon after her husband is showing some very strange behaviour in public and online. She bares the brunt of the blame for his antics. Every time he goes out and does something embarrassing his behaviour is excused. “He’s only acting out because he has to go home to HER and the baby she obviously forced him to have,” or “she obviously trapped him with that baby and forcing him to marry her, I’d be getting drunk and acting a fool too if I was in his situation,” or “bet he’s wishing he’d never broken up with (his ex) now. She never would have let him spiral so badly”.
We turn victims of domestic violence into controlling “bitches”. We see a girl being obviously mistreated and we cackle at what we call it irony… she sure is getting what she deserves.
Another example of how we tear women down rather than building them up is this; we see a girl finding great success in her singing career and speaking her mind online to the paparazzi and obtrusive fans who stalk not only her but her family and friends. She speaks out against it and we try to grind her back down where she belongs, in the dirt. She’s obviously not meant to be famous if she won’t put up with being harassed and she won’t put up with her friends and family being harassed.
The reason I was’t surprised when Angelina Jolie, the first celebrity I mention, who’d protected herself and her children from witnessing or being hurt by any further scenes of domestic violence after that scary plane ride with a drunken Brad Pitt isn’t because I’m psychic, it’s because I know a pattern when I see it. Much like the patterns of abuse victims suffer through, female celebrities can expect to experience similar cycles from the public as they can from their abuser.
we see a girl finding great success in her singing career and speaking her mind online to the paparazzi and obtrusive fans who stalk not only her but her family and friends. She speaks out against it and we try to grind her back down where she belongs, in the dirt. She’s obviously not meant to be famous if she won’t put up with being harassed and she won’t put up with her friends and family being harassed.
When you see the tides turning against a female celebrity you can also expect to see the opinions of the people change or swing even further towards hating her. It’s nothing if not apparent in the comments sections on social media that women see this gossip “news” and immediately begin to fan the flames of hatred without ever stopping to think about several important factors. If you pay attention to this type of content or hear people hating on a particular public figure for petty sounding reasons consider the following:
Do you think it’s good for young girls to see women tearing another woman they don’t even know to shreds in the press or the comment sections just because that woman married a celebrity they don’t deem her worthy of or that she “allowed” to abuse her?
What if young girls witnessed women standing up for each other and only calling out their mothers, sisters, and other female role models for positive reasons and spending time helping other women rise higher rather than only giving them a kick in the face back down to the bottom?
What if we made men accountable for their bad behaviour and stopped blaming their mothers, wives, and girlfriends for “allowing them to get away with their bad behaviour”?
Am I suggesting we don’t call out women when they behave badly? Of course not. I’d just like to see fewer hate trains being hopped upon just because a woman has dared to behave differently, dared to get her family out of an abusive situation, or dared to marry a celebrity who behaves in a problematic manner.
So how do we go about creating positive change in the world?
So how do we go about creating positive change in the world? We start small and we encourage to start with. How do we do this? Here are a few ideas:
If conversation shifts to hating a celebrity for things we think we know about them I suggest reacting with curiosity and concern. Ask what if the media is painting her in a negative light? What if the rumours aren’t true?
Bring up women who should be famous for inventions and other interesting and important work who aren’t often spoken about, for example; women writing code during WW1 and WW2, especially in front of young girls who might not know about them.
If a woman is behaving problematically in public discuss how addiction, abuse, or mental illness works. If one of these issues appears to be the problem explain what kind of intervention might be needed and put the subject aside instead of dragging the person’s name through the mud, especially if they appear to be dealing with any the problems mentioned.
Hold men accountable for their own bad behaviour if they behave poorly, don’t transfer blame to the women in their lives
If a woman appears is acting racist, homophobic, sexist or anything else along those lines call it out for exactly what it is explain why it’s wrong. After this move on to talking about women doing positive things in the world.
What do you think? Have you noticed how quickly female celebrities rise and fall in the public eye, especially for problematic behaviour by their significant others? Do you feel like we could do more to help women rise rather than fall? I’d love to hear your comments here on WordPress or in the comment sections on the various social media platforms I drop my work on.
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
It’s difficult to pull out of a slump when you’re feeling particularly down and depressed. Here’s a list of 3 things you can try right away:
Write in a gratitude journal and list 3 things you’re grateful for. By forcing yourself to consider the good things in your life rather than dwelling on the negative ones you can help to subtly begin to shift your mood from down to up. Think of things like friends who love you, sunshine outside in the wintertime, seeing buds on the trees in spring, pets who want to play and cuddle with you, food in your fridge, or a warm bed to sleep in.
Reach out to a friend. Maybe you’re feeling like you just want to be isolated and alone but try fighting that urge by calling or sending a text to a friend asking to set up a time to go for a coffee. If you’re not ready to arrange for an outing just send them a little message telling them one thing you appreciate about them and thank them for being such a great friend. Just the act of saying something kind to someone else can lift your spirits.
Treat yourself to a manicure, pedicure or hot bath. If you can afford to pay for someone else to give you a manicure or pedicure go ahead and do that. If you can’t afford it give yourself some self-care at home by caring for your hands and feet or run yourself a bubble bath so you can enjoy yourself and spend a little time caring for your body in a nice warm, good-smelling bath. If you’d like you can read a book in the tub or watch a show on your phone or tablet.
Is there anything that brings you peace or happiness when you’re struggling with depression? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section on WordPress or in the comment sections of the various social media platforms where I distribute my work♥️
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
It’s 2 a.m. and I’m awake after about 2 and a 1/2 hours of sleep. I’m experiencing a chronic pain flare-up, and if you don’t know what that’s like, it can be difficult to completely understand. I’m a seasoned veteran with chronic conditions like pain throughout my back, hips, and especially my left leg and ankle, as well as ongoing anxiety and depression. To me personally, a flare-up means if my average pain sits between roughly a 3-5 out of ten, when things are flared up, pain levels escalate to between 6 – 8.5 out of ten. My anxiety and depression levels also rise when I’m experiencing a flare-up.
Everyone’s experience will not be the same as mine, but I guarantee anyone who deals with a chronic condition understands how awful flare-ups are. Unfortunately, even if we “do everything right,” there will still be flare-ups. So, while I can’t claim to be a medical expert, I do intimately understand what it’s like to have a chronic condition and disability.
Everyone’s experience will not be the same as mine but I guarantee, anyone who deals with a chronic condition understands how awful flare ups are
My saga began almost 20 years ago now, and at 45, I feel sad to realize I’ve now spent nearly half my life not knowing what it’s like to know, to never know a day or even an hour free from constant pain, anxiety, and depression. The intensity may fluctuate, but I’m never free.
I decided to get out of bed because I knew I wasn’t getting back to sleep. I grabbed my iPad and phone and headed downstairs. I made a cup of herbal tea, hoping to soothe myself back to a state where I was able to get to sleep.
Soon recognizing that the tea is not going to work, I decided to try writing after making a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, I can’t focus enough to get anything particularly coherent together.
I dick around some more, without much direction or patience, and try making a photo gallery of some of my art to post to my blog. It’s a work in progress, but something I’m going to have to go back to.
At the risk of sounding whiny, my body absolutely aches from forehead, around to the back of the top of my neck to the base of my spine, into my hips, and down my legs. I did some awkward physical labour yesterday, moving around some new furniture because, although I’d intended to wait and have my young housemate help me move it around, the cats were catting, and the kitten was kittening. Something had to be done before one of them could injure the new furniture, damage something they weren’t supposed to be able to get to, or injure themselves.
The cats and the kitten – Nadja, Rafe, & Koochooloo (he’s a bit bigger now)
I knew I was pushing it and risking a flare-up, but something had to be done. I tried to be as careful as possible, but I couldn’t fully protect my body because moving furniture is awkward by nature.
Once I’m up, I continually work on the stretches I know usually help loosen up painful and stiff muscles. The next thing I try is reclining on my couch with my feet up, and put on a YouTube video I can listen to while I begin to sketch. I often use this technique of using both drawing and listening to help distract myself from pain.
I try to focus, but nothing is working this morning. So, still trying to ignore the pain, I change tactics again. In some ways my ongoing experience has helped me acquire a huge number of tricks to try when pain, anxiety, and/or depression are particularly bothersome. I remember what it was like when I knew far fewer coping techniques and I wouldn’t want to be back in that place.
I grab my yoga mat and pad into the kitchen. I dig up the recipe I want while stretching a bit, turn the oven on, then gather the ingredients I need for my jam-filled scones. The familiar motions of making this recipe, which I nearly know by rote, help soothe my tired mind.
Focusing on the work at hand, and the video I have playing, I do also do gentle stretches while standing at the counter. I make my dough and use the kneading process as a therapeutic motion to help me work through the frustration of wanting to be able to live a normal life but constantly having to fear that I’ll overdo it and end up with my chronic pain flared up to a point far beyond the chronic pain I live with on a daily basis.
Once my buns are in the oven, I set the timer, stretch out on my yoga mat, and begin to move through a series of deep but gentle stretches and poses. Holding everything that feels good longer, I repeatedly try to loosen up. I continue listening to my video in the background and also focus on taking in deep belly breaths, holding them, and blowing them out. I will continue moving through stretches on and off throughout the day.
(I) use the kneading process as a therapeutic motion to help me work through the frustration of wanting to be able to live a normal life but constantly having to fear that I’ll overdo it and end up with my chronic pain flared up to a point far beyond the chronic pain I live with on a daily basis.
My tenant and housemate asked me to help her write something that’s important to her. She’s a 21-year-old university student from Iran, and we’ve become incredibly close. She is kind, smart, funny, strong, brave, and the furthest thing from my abusive ex as one could get. She’s been with me for two years in August, and she’s an absolute gift.
She just wants help with some particular English phrasing, and I work through looking it over while she’s off taking an exam. I’d been thinking of lying down, but this is a good distraction, and it’s nice to feel needed when someone kindly asks for a reasonable amount of help.
As always, her work sounds better than the work of many people whose first language is English, never mind something they only learned a few years ago. It takes me more than twice the time it usually would, but I’m able to suggest a few edits and a couple of minor changes. I finish up as she’s walking back in the door.
We talk about a few things, and a wave of pain washes over me. I take some medication, but I’m still waiting for my prescription for the week to show up. Of course, on the day when I could use it to come early or at least when it usually arrives, it’s late. Lol! That damn Murphy’s Law will get you every time. I’m not especially fond of this Murphy character and realize I should someday look into why he made such an asinine law… perhaps I’ll even blog about it😉
I vape some indica. I don’t use it all the time, and it is prescribed… I honestly don’t know why I still feel the need to justify medicinal marijuana when it’s legal to use it even recreationally now. I guess old habits die hard. I’ve had a perception to help with pain, anxiety, and depression, from long before it was legal, and I’ve always worried I’ll be judged.
I draw a hot bath, pour in some Epsom salts, and sink into the tub with a mindless movie to watch. My back is still aching, but I’m feeling a bit better by the time I climb out.
I rub in some muscle-relaxing cream after my bath and see that fortunately while I was in the tub my medication has arrived, I take what I’m supposed to with some food and crawl into bed soon thereafter.
I’m signing this off now, and I’m going to try to sleep. I’m proud that, although it’s taken far, far longer than usual, I have managed to write a blog post. I’ll edit it upon waking and post it then.
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end of this. Perhaps it was a tedious read, but it’s been a very long, tedious night and day, and I think it’s important to show what it can feel like and look like to have a nasty flare-up when suffering from chronic pain. I hope I’ve given what feels like an honest portrayal of this to those who experience chronic conditions and useful insight to those who don’t.
My specific story and tactics for coping are unique to me, but I’m not alone. There are many people who struggle with chronic pain, mental illness, disability, and other chronic conditions. I wanted to give an honest look into what it’s like to have a flare-up. I hope this has been both useful and eye-opening.
Do you know anyone who suffers from a chronic condition? Have they ever mentioned what a flare-up is or what it’s like for them? Do you have a chronic condition? If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to hear your stories, comments, and personal insights.
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
I’m so excited to finally have finished this piece. It went through an extended “ugly phase” (my words), which meant it took a lot longer than I’d hoped. Bright side, taking longer makes finishing much sweeter.
The aforementioned ugly phase is part of my process 90% of the time. It basically involves me looking at a work in progress of mine and seeing it as though it’s absolutely hideous. I feel I’ve ruined it, and I worry I’ll never get it across the finish line.
I persisted through the ugly phase, and here I am now with a finished piece. Sticking to the theme of alchemy within my latest alcohol ink collection, I’ve decided to title it, Alchemy of Ceramic into the Awe of Norse Energetic Protection. Perhaps a tad wordy for a title, but as I explain the piece, the name will begin to make sense.
The idea for this tile was given to me by an old friend from Yellowknife, with whom I went through grades 3rd – 10th. He’s developed a strong bond with his Viking heritage and asked if I’d try making a Viking-themed tile in my alcohol ink series, Creative Alchemy. Challenge accepted!
Fortunately, I have a lovely book full of standard mythology, and there’s a section on Norse mythology I used for inspiration. I then had my friend send me a couple of bits of information on Norse runes and found more on Pinterest myself. Below, you’ll see pictures of my mythology book, as well as some of the rune alphabets, talismans, and sigels.
I’m going to reveal the finished piece now, then explain all the runes, the Norse wisdom I found in my mythology book and quoted, and the big talisman I used as a centerpiece, although I’m sure you’ll figure a few out on your own.
I decided to work using 4 as a repeating number referenced. There are 4 corners, 4 sigils, and in one of the middle layers I included 4 pieces of Norse wisdom. I put them in English as writing them out in the rune alphabet would have taken up more space than I had. The expressions are as follows:
Be a friend to your friend
To a good friend’s house the path is straight though he is far away
The mind knows only what lies near the heart
Give laughter for laughter
You can see bits and pieces of this Norse wisdom if you look deep into the layers of the piece.
The centerpiece is the Helm of Awe, which is said to provide powerful protection from evil.
This is a sigil for energy
This is a sigil for heart.
This is a sigil for protection
This is a sigil for divine energy. It also has my signature next to it, but that doesn’t mean it’s supposed to be oriented with it at the bottom. This tile can be displayed or viewed in any direction.
I used 12 x 12 inch ceramic tile as the base to work on. I then used alcohol ink, alcohol ink markers, 98% rubbing alcohol spray, metallic acrylic paints, Mod Podge, a thin black Sharpie, and several different colours of gel pen, including white, which really made the talisman and the sigils pop at the end. Here’s a gallery of some close-up images from the piece.
I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. This one took a lot of time and research, but I think the finished result is a strong symbol of protection, positive energy, and long-time friendship. Thank you to my friend for sending me off on this journey of discovery. You know who you are, and I hope you like how your idea turned out. 😊
Tell me what your thoughts are in the comments here or on social media. This is my first art reveal on my blog, so I’d love to hear any thoughts you have. Do you have any favourite mythology, Norse or otherwise?
I’ve always been fond of Persephone, goddess of spring, from Greek mythology. She’s said to be the daughter of Demeter and Zeus. Although her story is somewhat tragic, as she was kidnapped by Hades and forced to live in the underworld, I love that she breaks free once a year to usher in spring on Earth’s surface. She definitely has a rebellious streak, and I like that about her. Perhaps I’ll attempt a painting representing her someday soon… what do you think I should paint next?
Note: I’m starting a new ongoing series I’ll be sprinkling new volumes in now and then called, Lighten Up. To be honest, things in my life have been waaaay too serious and a little sad lately, and many of my recent posts have consisted of some very heavy content. I thought it would be good to choose a more lighthearted topic to focus on today, and this is what popped into my head. You’re welcome?😉
Lighten Up Volume 1
Full Watercolour Palatte – I want a large mixing palette with space for 64 pans of highly pigmented watercolours round the outside of the mixing area. Some of my favourite colours to use in any paining are; Paynes Grey, Titanium White, Yellow Ochre, Sage Green, and Cadmium Red Middle. I would make sure my oversized pallet had a couple extra pans of these particular colours. I also want to ensure metallic colours are well represented, as well as some neon. Basically I want plenty of choice to fill the plentiful time I’ll have to let my imagination run wild and create beautiful works of art in order to distract myself from my predicament of being stranded on this weird little tropical island… did I mention it has a lovely little shelter already made for me? It’s true✨
A set of 3 different sized pieces of mesh framed with wood for paper making and sifting through sand for pretty rocks and sea glass, sized, 5 x 7 inches, 10 x 10 inches, and 12 x 16 inches (*side note* I can also use my framed mesh for fishing or collecting fresh crustaceans to eat— I’m nothing if not practical about making my items versatile and useful). You see, I’m going to say this island holds many mysterious items. One of the most important being; a mountainous pile of truly, torturously, terrible Twilight and Harry Potter fan-fiction to use as a fire starter. To help pass the time I can occasionally read and giggle at the terrible stories, perhaps even adding silly illustrations onto the pages with my paints. Most importantly; I can also gleefully go about shredding the mountain of fan-fiction into tiny pieces and use water from a little rock and sand pool I’ll create to make paper pulp in, then use my framed meshes to make my own supply of beautiful recycled paper. I can even get fancy once practiced and include things like dried leaves, flowers, and berries, for both natural colour changes and decorative patterns. I can add things like coconut husk for texture, and other items I find to add to the unique look of the endless, diversely creative paper supply I’ll make. The paper will be beautiful for painting on but also to feed my passion for writing I’ll make charcoaled writing sticks in the fire to write and illustrate with. I may even write some of my own purposefully, hilariously, truly, tortuously, terrible Twilight and Harry Potter fan-fiction along with all original illustrations of course😝
A watercolour of mine from 2021
A diverse set of paint brushes, including several different sized angle and sword-shaped ones, as these are my absolute favourites. A few different sized rounds, as these have many diverse uses. A few medium and large-sized flat brushes for painting large washes of sky and ocean scenes, as well as using them to paint stones into SOS patterns when I decide I’ve had enough alone time and need to be rescued (again, I can be practical as well as creative with my art supplies). Lastly, I’ll need a decent bunch of tiny detail brushes, as these are my second favourite types of brushes.
Bonus Item! This is a controversial bonus pic, but it’s my fantasy here, and this is what I want. I’m choosing a huge tube of my favourite lipstick shade. This is as much an art supply for my face as it is a comfort item and mental health boost for me. Lipstick is my favourite essential makeup item, and when I’m down, or not feeling particularly happy or confident, putting on lipstick always gives a little extra boost of happiness. I believe one needs such an item when stranded and things are perhaps a little more difficult than usual. I can also use it to experiment with different makeup artistry, as I can use it on my cheeks and eyelids, I can begin using charcoal for added eye emphasis, and I can go about finding other natural sources of colour, like berries and flowers, to add to my paintings but also to my newfound practice of makeup artistry.
😂 A.I. Made me into a tropical island Barbie
What do you think of my choices? What do you agree with or disagree with? And what would you choose as your 3 essential art supplies if you were stranded on a desert island? You’re welcome to add a bonus item too, as I broke the rules; it’s only fair that you can too. Remember, art is as diverse as you make it. If it’s an art supply to you, it counts as an art supply✨ I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments in WordPress or on social media sites where I drop my posts.
Pounding heart is beating out of my chest. Thundering in my ears as a river rife with rapids shoots fear throughout my body. The ancient reptilian brain within is sending me headfirst into fight and flight. Firing neurons won’t still, won’t stop; they simply rage on.
Quickly scanning for what the cause might be, I sigh a ragged, shaky breath and run an inventory of all the things it could possibly be. Is it financial worries? Well, yes, there’s always that in the back of my mind, and yet it shouldn’t be gnawing at me like this. I’ve long been on the road back from a financial crisis. It feels as though I’m on the brink each month, but I always find a way and I know I’ll do just that this month as well. So is there financial stress? Yes, but I’ve already found ways to cope with and quell that fear.
Firing neurons won’t still, won’t stop; they simply rage on
Is it wounds from old relationships? Perhaps. There are many things I wish I’d done differently. People I didn’t want to hurt, who I hurt nonetheless. A ragged, shaky breath gives way to admission that I carry guilt and shame over the people I’ve lost because of my own decisions. I just couldn’t see a way out at the time that wouldn’t have left them hurt, even though they were the last people I’d want to hurt. I live with that guilt and shame each day, though, but it isn’t more or less than it’s ever been.
Recent relationships I’ve had to sever are definitely causing stress, but I’m doing all the therapeutic things I can to heal those wounds of domestic violence brought on by the monster who dwelled with me for the longest two years of my life. The trauma isn’t as fresh, but it still gnaws and aches and brings on fear, but that’s not the itch that’s scratching now.
I continue scanning, thinking back to all the times I said things I wish I hadn’t, and all the times I wish I’d stood up for myself more but didn’t. I sob loudly at this.
Is this inventory truly helping? If I scan for stressors, I can find a plethora. There’s always something that’ll suck me under further. If I dig too deep, I scratch the scabs off things that have started to heal and finally feel like they’ll soon become scars rather than scabs as long as I don’t continue to pick.
Thoughts race each other like drivers in NASCAR, speeding round a track with hairpin curves and straightaways that send me flying with no control. I’m burning rubber and the race course, although familiar, is never quite the same so that I might navigate it in a way I’m comfortable with or practiced.
If I dig too deep, I scratch the scabs off things that have started to heal and finally feel like they’ll soon become scars rather than scabs as long as I don’t continue to pick
That’s when the urge to pace sets in. Body follows mind onto the nonsensical racetrack. Desperately trying to do something with the adrenaline and coursing cortisol that’s not keeping the two feet marching round and round without stopping and feeling any sort of rhythm that makes any sort of sense.
Tears are soon springing forth from my exhausted eyes. There’s no way to catch the slippery fish my thoughts have become. Raggged sobs slip forth from my mind, and I can’t catch one thought before another speeds by.
I try to take some deep breaths. The ones I’m always practicing so they’re easier to do at times like these. I manage a few, but once my mind has a slight vacancy, I go back to the state of fear and worried wonder of trying to catch those slippery thought fish darting past me on the race course where my car is burning out of control.
Sinking into the familiar motions of self-flagellation. I’m good at this part. A championship player at beating myself up for things I did in kindergarten through 40 odd years on from then. Each time I wasn’t enough, each time I failed, each time I caused hurt, each time I walked headlong into a situation where I know I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, each time I tried to help but didn’t manage to do enough or simply couldn’t help, although I desperately wanted to. Each time, each time, each time… there’s always something to whip and hit and cut and curse myself for.
Does it help me? Does it serve me to dwell in these dark places, these deadly races in my mind? No! Then why isn’t there a magic off button to push? And an emergency brake to pull? An elusive elixir to quell the never-ending well of hurt that bubbles up and chokes me and my troubled mind?
there’s always something to whip and hit and cut and curse myself for
I try to stop pacing, stop wringing my hands. I run through my inventory of emergency plans that help quell the monsters now chasing me around the racetrack. I force my mind to the list of actions to try. Sometimes I use a physical copy of the list, and sometimes I’m able to remember what helps by heart:
Drink water through a straw, but be careful not to drink too quickly lest it come back up and out of me.
Write down my worries in my journal, then close the book on them once I’ve spilled them all out.
Unfurl my yoga mat and launch into a routine of stretching and reaching and growing, of planting my feet, redirecting my energy, and taking that stability and letting it soothe and slow the race I’m losing within.
Play a mental alphabet game. I choose cities and begin with A, Athens, B, Bangkok, C, Calgary, D, Damascus, E, Edmonton, F, Frankfurt… and so on until I’m through to Z. I begin again, this time listing animals and insects, A, Ant, B, Bumble Bee, C, Clam, D, Dog, E, Eagle, F, Fox… and so on. Forcing my mind to play this game slows the pace of my breathing, as I have to think of each answer and can’t focus so much on the tears, and pacing a hole through my floor.
Grab some art supplies, put on a record, a playlist, a podcast, a movie, or YouTube video I can listen to in the background as I begin to sketch or paint, letting the emotions overwhelming me pour out of the paintbrush and onto the page.
Reach for the phone and dial the distress centre or mental health hotline and explain through sobs that I’m having a panic attack and can’t seem to calm down. Sometimes they just listen as I shakeily tell them my troubles. Sometimes they bring me back to the present by helping me breathe deeply or guiding me through a grounding exercise. It depends on who I get and what they have in their book of tricks for me to try.
I let myself cry in the shower or run a warm bubble bath to sink into and let the water take my worries and wash them down the drain. If I have the wherewithal, I light candles, turn out the lights, and put on the soothing music I love. I let my inner mermaid out and nurture her need to be water-bound.
Putting the kettle on for tea is often helpful. There’s something about the ritual of the whistling kettle, choosing which tea, stirring in the honey, breathing in the aromatic steam, and blowing gently across the surface until it’s cooled just enough to sip.
I put on my shoes, and put my earbuds in, and take myself out for a walk. One foot is still in front of the other as when I’m pacing, but this time I’m going somewhere, breathing in the fresh air, and taking in the details of all I see around me. I try to get a little lost, a little out of the way, before turning round and heading home.
Sometimes I clean; it’s not a favourite action of mine, but it does make me feel calmer if the floor isn’t dirty or the dishes are done and put away.
Once I’ve performed a thing or two from my list of things I can do I know will help, I slowly start to feel myself slip back into myself, which sounds odd unless you’ve had panic attacks or chronic anxiety. There’s an out-of-body feeling that sometimes comes with the worry and fear. It’s a strange sensation to be removed from oneself yet entrenched in the roiling, boiling, bubbling stew of anxiety coursing through the veins and yet… for me, I’m not completely there. I’ve flown off the handle, washed out to sea, crashed and burned on that racetrack, and it’s only through the completing of one or two or several ritualistic steps towards reeling myself back in that I return to my body.
It’s a strange sensation to be removed from oneself yet entrenched in the roiling, boiling, bubbling stew of anxiety coursing through the veins
By the time I’ve made it through to the other side of a panic attack, I’m exhausted. Make no mistake, this work of getting worked up, although it’s often over nothing I can do and nothing I can change, is still absolutely ooverwhelming. And as the adrenaline and cortisol levels drop, it feels as though I’ve run a marathon of madness.
There’s more that comes along with the aftermath of panic attacks, and there are many ways others feel when in the throes of one. This is just a taste of what it feels like for me. I’ve struggled with panic attacks and anxiety off and on throughout childhood, adolescence, and as a very young adult, but they didn’t kick into high gear until almost 20 years ago now, which is an awfully long time to struggle.
Having said that, I should also mention, on the flip side, that I’ve been able to help others through their own battles with anxiety. I’m not a Dr of course, and I don’t play one on tv or in life. However, I do know how to help someone find the help they need. I’ve had to let go in some cases, knowing I’ve led a horse to water, and it’s their choice to drink or not. I cannot be a stress ball for anyone because I’m my own stress ball.
Have you ever had a panic attack, or had anxiety coursing through your veins with, seemingly, no end? What helps you? What makes it worse or better? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments either with the post or within the WordPress comment section. I’d also greatly appreciate it if you’d consider sharing this with loved ones you think it might help. There’s no magic solution here, of course, but it’s often just helpful to know you’re not alone with this unwanted companion called anxiety. It’s also helpful for those who haven’t experienced panic attacks or high anxiety to have a chance to read a bit about what it feels like so they can better understand what their loved ones with anxiety are going through.
Take care and treat yourselves well. You’re worthy of giving and receiving love to and from yourself, and to and from others as well.❤️🩹
Reaching out for help after sexual abuse is extremely difficult, but there are organizations out there that specialize in supporting victims through these difficult times. For me, my ex-partner put me through repeated sexual assaults, and coming to terms with that has been both traumatic and painful. Fortunately, I’ve been able to access counselling through an organization called Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse (CCASA) https://calgarycasa.com. I’m incredibly thankful for the assistance and support their counselling has provided me with.
I recently discovered that a similar organization in Edmonton, Alberta, called The Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton (SACE), has had its funding cut by the Alberta government.
This is devastating news for many people in Edmonton who’ll now have to wait longer for services or who’ve been told their program has been paused due to the funding cuts.
To me, this feels like our conservative provincial government is saying, “We don’t care about you, we don’t believe you, and we don’t believe you’re worthy of services to help you heal.”
I’m sure they’d say something far more diplomatic, but as a victim myself, this is how I’d feel were I living in Edmonton and affected by these funding cuts.
Coming forward as a victim of sexual violence is extremely hard so I believe this is good reason to make accessing services extremely easy
I made a call to my MLA in Calgary on Friday afternoon to ask them to phone me back so I can stress to them how much the services I’m receiving from CCASA mean to me and to urge them to advocate for no funding cuts to the Calgary organization and, if they have any influence over the situation, to ask them to indicate how devastating the loss of funding to SACE in Edmonton is.
Coming forward as a victim of sexual violence is extremely hard, so I believe this is a good reason to make accessing services extremely easy.
Something that disgusts me further about this decision is that it’s a statistical impossibility that the people who made this decision don’t know at least one sister, brother, mother, friend, wife, daughter, or son who’s been sexually assaulted or a victim of sexual abuse.
Decisions like these, of course, shouldn’t be made based on the personal experience of the one victim or someone who knows a victim, but you’d think that the fact that the members of the United Conservative Party (UPC) most definitely have personal ties to individuals who’ve had sexual violence perpetrated against them would mean something. It would make the party see why funding an organization like SACE is absolutely vital.
As a result of this asinine decision, there will be many that don’t get back into treatment if funding is finally secured, and many who don’t bother even trying to get help. They simply won’t come forward, and we’ll never know they needed (need) help recovering.
How do we go from victim to survivor if we don’t get the guidance provided by organizations like SACE and CCASA
It’s hard to get past the shame, the anger, the fear, the guilt, the loss, the trauma, the nightmares that come along with sexual abuse. How do we go from victim to survivor if we don’t get the guidance provided by organizations like SACE and CCASA? If they trap us in silence, alone with sexual violence… what the fuck are we supposed to do?
The province seems to be able to find funding to fly all over the United States of America to meet with their Trumpy cohorts. All I’m asking is that instead of spending money in such a manner, the UPC stops spending money on the U.S. and instead spends that money on the US, the ones who actually need it💜
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, and if you’re an Albertan, it would mean the world to me and other victims like me if you’d take the time to contact your MLA and express to them how important it is to go on funding programs that help individuals begin to find healing from sexual trauma provided by organizations like SACE and CCASA.
If you’re not keen on sitting still for long periods, but you’d still like to try meditation, here’s an easy and accessible way to get started. You need nothing more than the following:
A block of 15 minutes to half an hour where you can be away from the house alone . You may wish to go for longer as you progress, but there’s no pressure. Just do what you can. The point is to notice and enjoy your surroundings.
Comfortable shoes and loose clothing suitable for the weather. Layers are always good in case it cools down or warms up, or in case you start to feel overly warm once you get your body moving. You can tie a coat or sweater around your waist or carry a small backpack to shove your extra clothes into if needed.
A walking stick, walker, or cane should you have mobility issues. Remember, speed is not important, so anyone can participate in this—you can even do this if you’re on a scooter or in a wheelchair. If you have a baby, you can walk while pushing them in a stroller or carrying them in a sling.
You may wish to drown out the sounds of what’s around you with soothing music. Just make sure you’re being safe about it. Don’t put speakers in both ears so you can hear if someone is approaching from behind. Be aware of your surroundings, and pay close attention when crossing streets. If you’re going out in nature where you can hear the birds chirping, you may wish to leave the headphones behind so you can use all your senses to enjoy your environment. If you’re walking in the city, those headphones might be more helpful to tune out the noise of traffic and the cacophony of sound that goes on in city life. You’ll discover what suits you best the more you practice.(Watch for a future post about creating playlists to suit your mood and help lift you up if needed or calm and soothing you if needed.)
Remember to silence your phone, or set it to only alert you to texts or calls from certain individuals, or set it to vibrate.
You can plan your route ahead of time using Google Maps or you can let your feet and intuition guide you. Here’s a list of things to focus on while out on your walk:
As you begin walking, look for things you don’t normally pay attention to, such as the different types, height, and shapes of the trees; are they full of leaves or bare, are they beginning to bud, or are the leaves changing colour? Do you see any wildlife like birds, bunnies, or squirrels? What do you hear? What’s the feeling of what’s beneath your feet? Is there the cushy feeling of fresh snow, the softness of grass, or the crunching of gravel or leaves? Look out for flowers, butterflies, bumblebees, weeds, shadows, light, snow, frost… check it all out. If you live in a densely populated area, perhaps there’s not much that’s natural to take in. That’s okay. Focus on interesting architecture, street art, signs, and things you’ve perhaps never paid attention to. The point is to overpower the buzzing in your brain that keeps you from slowing down and really tuning into your surroundings.
One of my favourite routes to take while out walking in Calgary, Alberta, Canada during the summer🌲🌸🐝🦉🍃
Breathe in slowly, from deep in your belly, and blow your breath out slowly as you walk. This breathing technique is discussed in my previous blog Breathing is Natural, Breathing with Intention Isn’t. You might find it helpful to look this over before your walk. Focus on slowing down your mind and enjoying all the things around you that you may not have paid attention to before.
Be vaguely aware of the time, but don’t fixate on it. You may wish to set a timer to tell you when you’ve walked 10 minutes away, so if you’re doing a 20-minute walk, you know it’s time to turn around. If you feel you want to take more time to enjoy a longer meditation, then venture further away. Just ensure you’re not overdoing it; remember, the further you walk away, the further you must walk back.
While it’s important to enjoy your walking meditation if you suffer from chronic pain, fatigue, mobility challenges, or anything else that might limit your walking meditation abilities, ensure you’re not pushing beyond your limits. You can always build up to wandering further on future meditative walks. If you’re someone like me, who suffers from chronic pain, I know I have to be careful because I often get carried away on walks and end up struggling on the way back or find myself in more pain than usual the next day. I’ve learned it’s often helpful for me to set an alarm to remind myself it’s time to turn around.
Continuing your deep breath-work as you head home and continuing to notice the world around you rather than fixating on your worries or ruminating about things that concern you. If you find yourself worrying or ruminating, just gently turn your attention back to your breathing and the scenery. It will get easier as you practice to stay focused on these things rather than worries. Give yourself grace and time to practice rather than beating yourself up for not being perfect at keeping your mind clear right away.
Once you return home, you may find it valuable to write in a journal about what you saw while out on your meditative adventure. Keep track of how long you were able to maintain focus at first and how that ability grows in the future. This is a good way to reassure yourself you’re making progress, but it’s not entirely necessary. If you do decide to keep a journal of your meditative walks and, perhaps, your other meditative practices, I recommend keeping your journal close to the front door so it’s easily accessible, or, if you prefer, you could keep the journal filed in your notes app on your phone. Just make sure you store it wherever you’re most likely to remember to fill in details.
The most important thing to do upon returning is to try and keep a bit of that peace you found with you as you go about your day. If things get stressful, take a deep belly breath, imagine the peaceful things you saw on your meditative walk, and breathe out slowly. Do this as many times as needed so you can bring some of that peace into your everyday living.
This is me, out for a meditative walk during the summer of 2024
It’s that simple to get started with meditation. You don’t need an expensive app, a class, or someone telling you there’s only one way to do it right. This is a great way to get started, and you can celebrate every time you finish a walking meditation, perhaps with a nice cup of tea or a warm bubble bath. Once your meditative abilities grow over time, your pride, peace, and confidence will grow as well. Let it. You deserve to feel proud of yourself.
Let me know in the comments if you’ll try this out and how it goes in the comment section. Also, keep an eye out for my next piece, which will focus on breathing exercises. You can even try doing the breathing exercises I post while out on a meditative walk. I’ll be posting a whole series of breathing exercises so you can try them all out and use whatever suits you best.
PLEASE NOTE: The information for this blog came from news articles about Anna Brazhko’s murder, a tv segment with a panel of domestic violence survivors, a government study I came across that provided useful statistics about types of assault and typical sentencing, and documents outlining risk factors present in domestic violence as related to future risk for harm to the victim.
I’ve provided the facts and stated my own personal thoughts and opinions. I invite and encourage you to look into the news articles and other sources I used. I’ve listed them all at the end of the blog. I also encourage you to research further on your own so you can decide your own thoughts and opinions
I’d like to dedicate this blog to Anna Brazhko in honour of International Women’s Day and draw attention to her recent domestic violence-related murder in the city of Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I know I’m a little behind for International Women’s Day, but it took a little longer to write this than planned. I figure it’s not too late to honour Anna Brazhko and share what happened to her so others can learn about what changes should, in my opinion, be considered for sentences those who commit offences that indicate they’re high risk to commit greater offences of intimate partner violence or murder receive.
Anna Brazhko was brutally assaulted by her former husband, Mohammad Anass Mahmou Al-Sahli, 8 months prior to him going on to murder her a week ago today. His charges at the time of the first assault included choking, assault causing bodily harm, criminal mischief for damaging her cell phone, and obstructing a police officer. He’s now charged with her murder in the first degree.
I’d like to dedicate this blog to Anna Brazhko in honour of International Women’s Day and draw attention to her recent domestic violence-related murder
After severely assaulting Brazhko 8 months ago, Al-Sahli accepted an 18-month peace bond. A peace bond means there’s an acknowledgment that there are reasonable grounds to fear a person may put another person’s safety at risk. With a peace bond, instead of going to prison, Al-Sahli had to accept the following conditions in order to remain a free man: he was to stay away from Brazhko and her home, have no contact or communication with Brazhko, and he was ordered to attend classes and receive counselling for domestic violence and anger management.
As shown in the government study I’ve included as a source, I believe he’d have been more likely to be sent to prison if he’d committed a similar assault against someone other than his partner or former partner.
As per the documents I’ve included regarding previous domestic violence offence risk factors for future harm or murder, you will see that Al-Sahli committed a number of actions that make an abuser high risk to escalate to a worse assault or to the murder of his victim in the future, such as choking, previous domestic assault, and damaging her cell phone so she couldn’t call for help. We don’t know what other risk factors were present in their relationship outside of the assault he was charged with, but it’s highly unlikely that there were no other risk factors that made him even more of a threat to Brazhko in the future.
In my opinion, if we’d seen Al-Sahli sent to prison for several years for his brutal assault against her, he wouldn’t have been walking free and able to find & murder Brazhko well before completing his 18-month sentence. His promise to stay away from her and have no contact did nothing to keep him away from her like a prison cell would have.
This past Monday at about 2 a.m., Al-Sahli broke into the home Brazhko shared with her new partner. He then proceeded to fatally assault her in what police are calling a “targeted attack,” and she was dead by the time officers arrived at the scene after 911 was called.
In my opinion, it’s unsurprising that he eventually used his freedom to break into her home and murder her, given that a number of the things he did during his prior offence rate highly on a number of different scales used to rate how much danger an abuse victim is in.
For me, I knew I was in danger and lived in fear constantly when my abuser was living with me, but how much danger I’d actually been in didn’t completely sink in until I was told I was highly at risk of something as terrible as what happened to Brazhko happening to me. I was shocked at how the numbers ended up stacking against me when my counsellor from Fear Is Not Love, formerly the Calgary Women’s Shelter, conducted an assessment test on me.
His promise to stay away from her and have no contact did nothing to keep him away from her like a prison cell would have
I thought because he’d never hit me, I was much safer, and it turned out that wasn’t the case as a number of the things he was doing, like choking me, trapping me in corners, smacking doors or walls near me, following me around the house when I asked him to please stop, causing me to pass out, controlling my behaviour and what I could and couldn’t do, and repeatedly sexually assaulting me, put me in tremendous danger.
For those of you who haven’t seen or shared my post about, The Domestic Violence Distress Signal please have a look at the previous blog I did on the subjectDomestic Violence Distress Signal & Angel Shots
I’d like to invite you to consider a few serious questions, dear readers:
Keep in mind the domestic violence-related murders of Brazhko as well as the murders of Ania Wardzala-Kaminsky and her father Stanisław Wardzala, who were murdered by Wardzala-Kaminski’s husband in December Case of Domestic Violence Ends in Double Murder & Suicide in Calgarywhen considering these questions:
When we know risk factors for future assault or murder, such as choking or stalking, to be present, why are our courts so lenient against these offenders when if they’d committed a similar offence against a different segment of the population, they’d be more likely to get prison sentences that would likely help to keep their victims safer for longer?
Why are we still asking the abused why they allowed their abuser to abuse and assault them as opposed to asking the abuser why they think it’s okay to abuse and assault their partner or ex-partner?
Why are we still asking the abused why they didn’t leave their abusers instead of asking the abusers why they are abusing their partners?
Why are we still asking the abused why they didn’t leave when in the cases of both Brazhko and Wardzala-Kaminsky, they did leave their abusers and they were still murdered by them?
Do you think peace bonds with abusers pledging to stay away from the person they abused provide good protection to victims? If yes, how so? If not, why not?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the questions above or on the case of Anna Brazhko in the comments💖
When my Mom got sick in 2013, I learned the meaning of anticipatory grief. I knew she was dying, but it didn’t really sink in until she mentioned an upcoming appointment with a palliative care specialist. I remember repeating the word slowly after she said it, letting it roll around in my suddenly bone-dry mouth, “p…p…pall-ia-tive.” It was half a question, half a comment, half a heartbreak.
That’s the thing about anticipatory grief: it’s like half a heartbreak. It’s a sort of emotional purgatory. You know what’s coming, but the person is still there with you, and it’s hard to know what to do. You and your loved one are both cycling through the stages of grief.
That’s the thing about anticipatory grief: it’s like half a heartbreak. It’s a sort of emotional purgatory.
Watching a loved one grieve their own impending demise is incredibly difficult. Some will disappear because they don’t know how to feel, say, or behave. I understand this impulse; the death of another reminds us that we too will no longer be around someday. It’s almost like there’s a fear that the dying is contagious. I assure you it’s not.
❤️This is a favourite photo of my beautiful mother❤️
While I do understand the urge to flee and pretend it isn’t happening, I must urge you not to run away. Lean into it instead. It doesn’t matter if you think you’ll say or do the wrong thing… you might, but you probably won’t.
The most important thing you can do is be there:
Hold their hand
Adjust their pillows and blankets
Soothe their brow
Curl up next to them and talk quietly or read to them as they doze
Tell them you love them
Remind them of a funny story or a favourite moment or a happy time you shared
Keep in mind that while spending time with a dying loved one isn’t easy, it’s hard for them too. I’d rather know they’re in good company rather than alone and afraid. If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to be silent and present. If you don’t know what to do, it’s okay to do nothing, just be present.
The caregiver needs care too, and you can help so much by being there for them as well. It’s a hard road looking after someone caught between life and death
In many ways anticipatory grief can be a gift, although it certainly doesn’t feel like it when you’re deep in the trenches. However, unlike with a sudden passing, you have the chance to call them if you can’t visit and tell them how much they mean to you, what you love so much about them. You have the gift of time to visit if you’re close enough to do so.
Try to put aside your fear. This is a chance you won’t have at their funeral. By then, it’s too late to say goodbye in person, so be brave. Be brave and reach out to the family and ask how you can help; ask if you can stop by.
I’d rather know they’re in good company rather than alone and afraid
The caregiver needs care too, and you can help so much by being there for them as well. It’s a hard road looking after someone caught between life and death. It’s exhausting, actually, so make that phone call because they need support. Stop by because they need a hug and a kind word, maybe a moment or two of levity.
Showing up with dinner, flowers, or a favourite treat is just as good for them as it is for you. Sure, you might cry all the way home, but you did something you can be proud of, something meaningful when moments were fleeting.
Anticipatory grief will occur whether you’re with the dying or not, so you might as well be there
These are just my rambling musings on a subject I’ve become all too familiar with. I’m definitely not an expert on how to handle death and dying, but I will admit I’ve had a fairly large helping of experience with the business of death and dying.
I must tell you this because it’s important. I don’t regret a single second I spent at the bedside of a dying loved one. I don’t regret that I held my grandmother’s hand and talked softly about happy memories with her. I don’t regret reading to my other grandmother while holding her hand. I don’t regret lying with my mom in bed and holding her close as she settled down for a nap. I don’t regret the many other times I’ve spent in the company of a loved one who was dying or checking in on their caregiver.
Anticipatory grief will occur whether you’re with the dying or not, so you might as well be there. There’ll be time enough for the hard grieving that comes when they are truly gone. Spend the time you have before that wisely.💖
Do you have experience with anticipatory grief? How did you handle it? What would you recommend? If you have any questions, stories, or suggestions, I’d love to hear from you. If you’re going through this right now, I’d like to recommend a great book called Final Gifts, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. I read it when my mom was sick, and it was extremely helpful. https://www.simonandschuster.ca/books/Final-Gifts/Maggie-Callanan/9781451667257
I started at least 6 blogs yesterday and another 6 today. Nothing seems right. I feel off in general. There’s a whisper of failure in the air and I can feel it, almost hear, the fog of depression rolling in around me.
I’ve tried to ignore this awful, dreadful feeling. Depression fairly radiates off of me as I struggle to push through. I’ll get there but it’s heavy and I feel the weight crushing me. My body aches in all the chronic places and elsewhere too. I’m still wearing the pajamas I slept in last night at 10pm and I plan to wear them to bed tonight.
I baked cookies to help ease the stress I was feeling. Baking usually calms me, but I ate too many and now I feel gross and ashamed. I chose more cookies instead of a healthy snack. In my mind the word’s, “I’m a gross, cookie over-eater, with nothing in my brain that’ll turn into words on a page anyone will give a flying fuck about.”
I can’t focus. I’m distracted. I want to give up and hide in my bed and forget I ever started this blog. Unfortunately every time I lay down a half baked blog idea pops into my heads and crumbles like a cookie when I get a few paragraphs in. AI could write better slop, and make pictures of me looking as ugly as I feel.
If you read this in and you’re beating yourself up because you ate too many cookies, didn’t accomplish everything you’d planned to accomplish, or did something you regret please forgive yourself
Here I am now at the end of the day with nothing to show but a bloated belly, bad ideas, and cookies that call to me even though the thought of eating more makes me feel nauseated.
There will be no fantastic blog today because I’m giving in and giving up. Today is not the day I write a masterpiece. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh page, fewer cookies, better words.
Tomorrow I’ll be back. I’ll make it right. Depression gets its claws on me quite often and sometimes I can’t shake off the blanket of abysmal fog that settles round my shoulders. Today is that kind of day and that’s ok.
Before I close out this depressing tableau, I’m going to do one last thing, I’m going to forgive myself. I’m taking back every awful thing I said about myself. Today may not be the day I wrote a masterpiece, but I did finish something, and this is what I’m going to call enough.
If you’re feeling off today and you didn’t do what you’d set out to do please forgive yourself too. We can’t all be ON all the time.
If you read this in and you’re beating yourself up because you ate too many cookies, didn’t accomplish everything on your endless to-do list, or did something you regret, please forgive yourself. You don’t deserve the unkind words you’re telling yourself & neither do I. You deserve a little grace, a little peace and so do I. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
Hopefully I’ve managed to impart the importance of breathwork when it comes to promoting and maintaining a life with less symptoms of anxiety, depression, PTSD, CPTSD, panic attacks, grief, and other general stress.
At the beginning of this series on breath-work on Monday we started out learning to assess our everyday breathing and how we could change slightly by drawing breath from deep in our bellies and slowly exhaling until the belly deflates as much as possible.
Today I’d like to give you a couple of other options for breathing techniques you can use to promote calm. This way you’ll have four different options you can try in order for you to have more breath-work options in your repertoire.
As with the other exercises we’ve discussed, if you practice breathing exercises while calm they’re much more likely to work during a stressful situation.
If you have high blood pressure, COPD, other respiratory problems,or if you are pregnant it’s important to check with your Dr before trying breathwork exercises.
Other Warning Signs to Watch For
Feeling lightheaded
Excessive dizziness
Numbness or tingling
If you experience any of these symptoms, stop and return to normal breathing. Speak to your Dr should you have ongoing symptoms
The first technique we’re going to discuss is 5 – 7 – 5 breathing. To do this exercise follow along with these next steps:
STEP 1 – find a quiet place where you can sit or lay down alone to practice. In the future, once you’ve mastered this exercise in a quiet place you may wish to practice in louder, more crowded places such as; while standing on a bus or train full of people, or while sitting in a busy shopping centre perhaps.
STEP 2 – Take a few deep practice breaths, ensure that you’re breathing from deep in your belly and getting nice, full breaths. You may wish to place a hand on your belly. Ensure that it’s rising and falling as you breathe in and out slowly and deeply, while trying to calm your mind.
STEP 3 – Inhale for a count of 5.
step 4 – Exhale for a count of 7.
STEP 5 – Hold breath for a count of 5 before starting again with an inhale of 5 and so on, repeating the process at least 10 times
Variations to Try
Challenge yourself by breathing in for 7 out for 10 and hold for 7
Switch things up and breathe in for 5 out for 7 and hold for 7.
The wonderful thing about patterned breathing is that there are endless patterns to try. Once you’re in the habit of practicing everyday, use your imagination and experiment to find what works best for you.
Benefits of Breath-Work Exercises
Reduces anxiety and stress levels
Helps regulate heart rate and blood pressure
Improves focus and mental clarity
Activates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest)
Can be done anywhere, anytime
Tips for Success
Remember: The key is consistency and regular practice. Start with just 5 minutes a day and gradually increase the duration.
Common Questions
Q: What if I can’t hold my breath for 5 seconds?
A: Start with shorter counts that feel comfortable and gradually work your way up to 5-7-5.
Q: When is the best time to practice?
A: Any time worrks. Many find it most beneficial first thing in the morning or before bed.
Q: Can I practice lying down?
A: Yes, but sitting upright helps maintain better awareness and prevents drowsiness.
Track Your Progress
Buy yourself a tiny little notebook to keep in the area you generally practice your breathing exercises to track your practice and progress. You could also keep track of everything with your notes App on your phone or there are a lot of meditation apps to choose from, you could easily try a few and it’s fine to choose whatever app works best for you is perfect.
You might find the following apps helpful if you’re not sure which apps to start off with:
Things To Track In Your Notes About Your Breath-work Practice
Practice the exercise daily for one week and keep track of your progress as discussed above
Try the exercise in different environments
Note how you feel before and after each session
Before important, stressful meetings try practicing your breathing exercises to bring yourself into a calmer state
When feeling overwhelmed spend a few minutes practicing your favourite breathing excercises
Before making important decisions take some extra time to clear your mind and practice breathing so you can look at your options with a clear head
One more Excercise To Try
Sitting up straight in a chair or cross legged on the floor hold one nostril closed as you breathe in deeply from your belly
Switch to hold the other nostril closed as you breathe out fully in order to empty your belly of breath completely
Continue switching nostrils as you slowly breathe in and out from your belly
What’s been your favourite breathing exercise? Did you notice a difference in your sense of calm and wellbeing as you practiced and when you finished a practice session? Do you have any breathing exercises you would also suggest others try? Please leave your comments in the comment section, I’d love to hear your feedback💖
Does your life ever feel like a battle? I know mine does at times. In order to soldier on through the stress of everyday living we can use the same breathing technique Navy Seals use in order to help them handle the stress of combat.(*)
When life gives you a SNAFU (**) Box breathing is what to do! Box breathing is a simple but effective visual and physical technique that helps stimulate the sympathetic nervous system.
Please Note: It’s a good idea to check in with your Dr or psychology professional before taking up a new breathing exercise. Specifically with box breathing it’s recommended you check with a Dr first if you have COPD, high blood pressure, or are pregnant.
Just like soldiers do drills so what needs to be done is second nature, we too have to practice breathing exercises when we aren’t stressed out from coping with the heightened emotions of PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, anger, and anything else that causes you to feel out of control and frazzled. You can also use Box Breathing to aid in the sometimes difficult process of falling asleep or waking up from a frightening nightmare.
When trying to fall asleep you can work on practicing Box Breathing whether you have difficulties sleeping or not. For further practice take 5 – 10 minutes at least to stretch out on a yoga mat or on the floor, sit in a comfortable chair, or sit cross legged. You can also practice lying on your bed but if you don’t want to risk taking a nap it’s best not to practice there.
Step 1 – As you breathe in for 5 seconds deeply, in your mind’s eye, picture a white background and a purple line drawing upwards. If you have trouble visualizing colours you can picture everything in black and white. If you have trouble with visualization in general you can get started by drawing the lines on a piece of paper as you breathe. The more you practice this you’ll increase your chances of being able to visualize it with your eyes closed while laying down. If not, it’s ok, practicing while drawing it out on a piece of paper as you breathe is still effective.
STEP 2 – Hold your breath for 5 seconds while in your mind’s eye draw a pink line from left to right on a white background.
STEP 3 – Breathe out slowly for 5 seconds as you picture drawing a green line down from the far right side of the pink line to be parallel with the bottom of the purple line you started with
STEP 4 – hold your breath for five seconds as you picture drawing a line in blue down from right to left from the far right side of the green line back over to meet up with the bottom of the purple line you started with.
Breathe in deeply to start drawing another box and repeat the process at least 10 times. The more you practice when you’re calm the the easier you’ll start finding the excercise and you’ll be more likely to remember to do it during difficult emotional times and to do it well.
*Challenge yourself by trying to take more than 5 second breaths and see how long you can comfortably inhale, hold your breath and, exhale as you complete drawing the box. You could even challenge yourself more to try going up by .5 or 1 second each time you finish drawing one box shape. By the time you draw 10 boxes you’ll be attempting to Draw out each line for 9.5 second if you increase the time with each box by .5 of a second or if you go up by a second every time you draw a box you’ll end up at a maximum time of a challenging 14 seconds.
Watch for one more breathing technique coming out on Friday in the 3 Part Series onBeath-work.
*Important: particularly if you have respiratory problems that are hindering your everyday ability to breathe easily it’s time to go to a doctor for real diagnosis. Be sure it’s safe to practice these exercises before going ahead with them
If you’re not breathing you’re dead or you will be soon. Obviously.
Not so obviously, there are many different ways one can breathe that will keep one alive but not in a comfortable or healthy state. Just the same, there are ways one can breathe that will trigger or exacerbate hyperventilation, which can easily lead to panic attacks.
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of having a panic attack maybe you noticed it felt difficult to get a good, deep breath. Maybe you felt like you couldn’t breathe at all. Maybe you felt like you couldn’t control your breathing. Maybe you were breathing so quickly and shallow that you became dizzy, lightheaded, or as though you might pass out. If you were on the edge of having a panic attack breathing rapidly from the upper chest will easily lead you into one or exacerbate the anxiety you’re already feeling.
Unfortunately I’ve had many panic attacks where I ended up breathing so quickly and shallowly that I couldn’t calm down. It wasn’t just the breathing that was doing it of course. The hamster in my brain had picked up on concerns I had and taken to galloping round the wheel so quickly that my thoughts were whirling so fast I could barely understand what I was anxious about. Soon enough I was hyperventilating, pacing round the room, and occasionally pausing to grind the back of my wrist into my forehead in hopes of grinding the swirling, whirling thoughts out of my mind.
Others would just tell me, “stop, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Whatever will be, will be and you can’t fix it right now so just relax.”
I know they were just trying to help but what I could never seem to convey to people who’ve never experienced panic attacks is there’s no magic button I can press to stop the anxiety. I’m not doing it on purpose. I’m desperately wanting to slow my breathing down, calm myself, and focus on going to sleep or going about the day to day tasks that would likely help me worry less because I could knock them off that never-ending to-do list. Instead, I felt as though I might pass out, or as though my heart rate had sped up with my breath and it was out of control, I sometimes felt as though I might have a heart attack, or like I was going to go crazy (whatever that means).
‘
“there’s no magic button I can press to stop the anxiety. I’m not doing it on purpose”
I still have panic attacks but not with the frequency I had them when they were at their worst. At least now I know what’s happening. I have techniques I can use that are effective for me. I know I’ve made it through panic attacks before and I tell myself I’ll make it through the current one. Often times that seems like a small consolation but it’s a consolation nonetheless.
Dealing with panic attacks for many years has led me to the conclusion that breathing is key and I must practice often in order to maintain a reasonably calm baseline so when I do feel panic spiraling out of control it’s easier for me to remember my breathing and practice the breathing techniques that are going to help me the most.
If the body is a machine, breathing is something the machinery does vitally and automatically, but there’s no guarantee it’s an efficient machine. If you want a machine to operate at optimal levels on the regular then regular maintenance of the machinery is essential. Prior to performing maintenance on a machine diagnostic testing is required so only things that are actually problematic are being repaired.
If you want a machine to operate at optimal levels on the regular then regular maintenance on the machinery is essential
To begin diagnostic testing it’s imperative to find out what the machinery baseline is. Here’s a simple diagnostic test you can perform to discover how you’re typically breathing.
*It’s important to do this test when you’re relatively calm and relaxed. Don’t attempt to do this when you’re feeling extremely stressed out, upset, or in the throes of a panic attack.
This simple exercise will help you better understand your natural breathing patterns:
To begin, find yourself a small block of uninterrupted, quiet time. You’ll need 5-10 minutes alone. If you have children you could try doing this once they’re asleep or, if you have a partner, ask them to look after the children while you take this time to yourself.
Place one hand on your upper chest, just around your breast bone, and the other hand on your lower chest, just beneath your breasts or a few inches down from your top hand.
I prefer to do this sitting cross legged on the floor ensuring I’m sitting straight up, shoulders back. I like to close my eyes so I can block out visual stimuli and just focus on my breath. You may wish to try this sitting in a chair instead, or laying flat on your back. You may find it more comfortable to lay on your back with a pillow or two propping your knees up. Just ensure that whatever position you choose allows you to breathe easily and comfortably.
Breath in and out regularly for about 30 seconds or so and pay close attention to your chest and hands.
Notice which hand is moving up and down as you breathe; is it your upper chest rising and falling or do you find the hand on your lower chest is moving up and down?
Next, leave your lower hand where it is and bring your other hand down to rest on your belly.
Continue breathing normally and, again, pay attention to which hand is moving up and down.
Ideally we want to train ourselves to breathe from deep in our belly in order to get the most calming breathing pattern possible.
According to an article in Scientific American from January 15, 2019 called, Proper Breathing Brings Better Health; “You are under the influence of the parasympathetic nervous system, which produces a relaxing effect. Conversely, when you are feeling frightened, in pain, or tense and uncomfortable, your breathing speeds up and becomes shallower. The sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body’s various reactions to stress, is now activated.”
The same article goes onto explain that by focusing on deepening and slowing your breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system you could see improvement in difficulties with chronic anxiety, depression, phobias, PTSD, insomnia, panic attacks, everyday stress, chronic pain, racing thoughts, and much more.
Here’s an exercise you can use to improve your breathing patterns:
This time place both hands on your belly. Breathing normally at first begin to focus on having your lower chest moving up and down slowly
Now focus on moving your breathing down as low as possible so your belly is slowly moving up and down.
Slow your breathing as much as possible and keep focusing on taking deep breaths in so you feel your belly slowly fill up with air and, as you exhale, your belly slowly deflates.
Try to practice taking 10-20 deep belly breaths and Take stock of the following:
how do you feel when you’re breathing from your upper chest vs lower chest vs your belly?
Are you breathing fast, slow or somewhere in between?
Do you find your breathing slows down when you’re practicing belly breathing?
Do you find you only breath in and out from you nose, mouth, or is it a combination of both?
Try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth and notice how it feels. This is generally thought of as being the most soothing and effective way to breathe.
Did you realize what your breathing was like before consciously observing your breathing patterns before considering these questions?
Try to practice belly breathing whenever possible. Maybe when you’re about to go to sleep at night, before you get out of bed in the morning, when you find yourself feeling disengaged from your body, before or after working out or practicing yoga, while doing something that typically makes you nervous like driving at night or during rush hour when traffic is moving slower than you’d like, whenever you need to remind yourself you’re going to be ok.
You have the power to make your body a more efficient machine, all you have to do is practice regular diagnostics to see if you’re improving. Improvement is possible, rewarding, and worth being proud of. Just practice those deep belly breaths as much as possible and you’ll soon find your baseline is much calmer and you’ll have an easier time slowing your breathing down when anxiety and panic strike.
Be kind to yourself. Making changes takes time, practice, and commitment so don’t forget to give yourself credit for the work you’re doing, the progress you’re making, and the fact that you’re doing something to improve your mental health💖
Did you give any of these exercises a try? How did they go? Do you think you’ll be able to incorporate the practice of belly breathing on a regular basis? I’d love to hear your thoughts down in the comment section.
A blaring emergency siren came through the phones of Calgarians around midday on December 30th. It jarred people out of the peaceful lull between Christmas and New Year. I’m sure most of us were thinking it would be for an unexpected, severe weather warning, or something of the sort. Alarmingly, it turned out to be something far more frightening and tragic than any of us could have imagined.
The announcement stated city residents, especially those in the Northwest quadrant of the city and those in Bearspaw, an affluent rural area just west of city limits, were to be on the lookout for a man called, Benedict Kaminsky. The announcement went on to explain that he was suspected of committing two murders and believed to be armed, dangerous, and at large in his black Nissan Pathfinder.
News stories with more detail about the murders began to come out shortly after the emergency alert. Apparently Kaminski drove NE from his home to the subdivision of Kincora where he shot and killed his father-in-law, Stanislaw Wardzala, while his mother-in-law was away from the house volunteering. He then drove back to his house in the far NW subdivision of Tuscany where he shot and killed his wife, Ania Wardzala-Kaminsky, and drove off in his Pathfinder out of town towards Bearspaw.
A civilian tip led police to find Kaminsky several hours later in an area about 60km northwest of Calgary called Water Valley. He was found near his parked vehicle, deceased from a self-inflicted gunshot.
Fractured Family
This tragedy leaves 3 young children, under the age of ten, without parents or their maternal grandfather. While they were all physically unharmed, according to multiple interviews with the children’s uncle and victim’s brother and son, Peter Wardzala, it’s likely the children bore witness to the death of their mother at the hands of their father. Obviously, this compounded with the murder of their grandfather, and the suicide of their father would be incredibly traumatic.
Fortunately Wardzala and the children’s surviving maternal grandparent have vowed to look after the children and give them as normal a life as possible. Other family members, friends, and caring community members will likely go out of their way to ensure the children feel safe, and loved.
There is an official GoFundMe for the children and grandmother. I’ve provided the link I found in the Calgary Herald below:
while it’s heartening to see the GoFundMe has almost reached its goal of raising $350,000, it’s heartbreaking to recall the reasons why the children and their grandmother are in need of the assistance.
The funds raised will go towards providing whatever the children and their grandmother might need to help process their grief. The money is also expected to be used for the child care and education expenses their grandmother will incur now that she’s taken in the three children to raise with the help of her son, and other family members.
How Did This Happen?
According to multiple interviews in multiple forms of media with Wardzala, there was a domestic dispute during a family dinner a few days before the murders and suicide where Kaminsky was yelling at and criticizing his wife. He was also yelling at his oldest child for wanting to sit next to his grandfather instead of him. He went on to further antagonize almost everyone during the dinner for so long that he was eventually told to leave by his father-in-law or the police would be called.
After Kaminsky finally left the gathering his wife expressed that she didn’t feel safe living with him anymore and wanted to leave him. As such, she chose to keep the children with her and stay with family. (News sources are noted at the end of the post)
Everything remained safe until the 29th when Wadzala-Kaminsky took the children to visit their father at their family home in Tuscany, NW. The violence began sometime in the evening when Kaminski took off to murder his father-in-law, before returning home to murder his wife. Leaving his children physically unharmed but alone at their young ages, he finally drove off to use the gun on himself and die by suicide.
When someone is leaving their abuser, it is said to be the most difficult and dangerous time in an abusive relationship
No matter how one looks at it this is an incredibly sad case. Making it even sadder is the fact that similar incidents, although not always ending in death, occur every single day.When someone is leaving their abuser, it is said to be the most difficult and dangerous time in an abusive relationship and that the person being abused can take up to 7 tries before actually getting out.
What Looks Like Perfect…
Apparently, neighbours thought the Kaminsky’s were a perfectly happy family and the entire deadly incident came completely out of the blue. Unfortunately, this is often the case with coercive control and domestic violence. There aren’t always loud fights and frequent visits from police as one might imagine happening in classically portrayed domestic violence scenes in popular media.
Many coercive controllers have a charming outwardly facing persona. It’s only behind closed doors where their favourite forms of abuse come out to terrorize their victim. There are many different types of abuse that may or may not be present. However, whether all forms of abuse are or aren’t present, the situation isn’t any less dangerous.
There aren’t always loud fights and frequent visits from police as one might imagine happening in classically portrayed domestic violence
Many people will ask why she didn’t just leave if he was so abusive, but it’s rarely that simple, especially when there are children involved. It often takes a victim 7 attempts or more before they manage to finally leave for good. Here’s a few reasons why a victim might have difficulties leaving:
A victim may fear for the safety of their children and feel like they can’t find a way to safely leave with them and support them alone.
An abuser may control the finances to a degree where it’s impossible for them to afford to leave and have a safe place for them and their children to go.
An abuser may isolate a victim from family and friends so they feel like they’ll have no support upon leaving.
It’s also possible for an abuser to chip away at the victim’s confidence, and self esteem, so intensely they feel like they’re doing something wrong and/or they blame themselves for how their abuser behaves towards them and feel like they don’t deserve better.
These are just a few quick examples. There are so many more reasons why an individual might feel they can find no way out of an abusive relationship. Thankfully there is help available to help empower victims to first, recognize the signs of control and of different types of abuse. These resources offer ways to cope and keep themselves safe until they’re ultimately able to plan and execute a safe exit strategy that includes their children.
Everyone is entitled to live a life free from the invisible bonds of coercive control and domestic violence
If you or any friends or family members think or know they’re in an abusive relationship I urge you to educate yourself about domestic violence and coercive control. By doing this you can start looking for better ways to handle the abuse. You can also begin taking steps to get out as soon as you can do so safely.
Also don’t be fooled, just because women are more likely to to be victims of domestic violence doesn’t mean that women aren’t capable of being domestic violence aggressors and coercive controllers. Men, or anyone along the gender identity spectrum, shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to seek help. Everyone is entitled to live a life free from the invisible bonds of coercive control and domestic violence.
Remember this case and let it serve as a stark and compelling example of how dangerous coercion and abuse in relationships can be. I’ve listed a number of resources below that offer things like counselling, safety planning, assistance finding temporary accommodation, financial assistance, and other helpful services.
Resources:
Crisis Management
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911.
The Calgary Distress Centre’s 24-hour crisis line is available at 403-266-HELP (4357) for confidential support and guidance.
Fear Is Not Love (formerly The Calgary Women’s Shelter) is another excellent Calgary based resource. They offer extensive counselling resources which can be attended in person or over the phone and you can use the counselling to, help you make a plan to leave your coercive controller or you can you use it to cope with the stress of leaving and the Complex Post Traumatic Stess Disorder (CPTSD) one often experiences afterwards. https://fearisnotlove.ca/ or 403.234.7233 or there’s also a toll free number if you’re not in Calgary, 1.866.606.7233
If you’re not living in Calgary there’s still material on these websites you might find helpful and informative. When it’s safe to do so, look into DV shelters in your area as well as resources explaining how coercive control and domestic violence works, for further informing yourself as well as friends and family. You may also be able to find resources by calling the police non-emergency line or regional crisis hotlines.
Informative Podcasts
There are plenty of excellent podcasts about domestic violence and coercive control that cover a wide range of topics from different perspectives. Here are a few of my favorites:
There’s No Place Like Home is an Australian podcast that I’ve found helpful. Season 2 in particular has played an important part in my own recovery. I’ve listened to multiple episodes repeatedly to better understand what happened to me.
The show features survivor stories, covers specific types of abuse and phases of the cyclical nature of abuse. This coming season says it’s slated to go into detail about why it’s so hard to leave.
Narcissist Apocalypse is an American show that features a variety of personal stories from listeners all over the world and episodes about the different aspects of domestic violence and coercive control.
Legal Aid Alberta provides services to low-income Albertans, including legal advice, representation, and mediation for domestic violence cases. Visit their website at www.legalaid.ab.ca
Family Justice Services offers information and support for family law disputes, including:
Mediation services
Parenting after separation courses
Information about court procedures
Assistance with Emergency Protection Orders (EPOs)
Emergency Shelter & Support Services
The Calgary Homeless Foundation can provide housing support – calgaryhomeless.com
Again, if you’re not in Calgary you should be able to find resources through the police non-emergency line or through regional crisis hotlines.
Community Support Organizations
The following organizations offer various support services:
The Alex – Providing health and housing support – www.thealex.ca
Calgary John Howard Society – Housing and support services – www.jhscalgary.org
The Mustard Seed – Support services for those experiencing homelessness – theseed.ca
The Domestic Violence Distress Signal
If you see someone making this hand signal, they may be asking for help:
Angel Shots Distress Code Word For Assistance While Out At Night
If you or a friend experience a distressing situation, like; another patron who’s harassing you, following, touching, or scaring you, or if you’re experiencing difficulties with your significant other while out at a nightclub, bar, or pub you can try ordering an Angel Shot from the bartender or you server directly. This signals to the them that you’re in distress and they can discreetly ask the harassing patron to leave or offer you assistance such as; a walk to your car, or calling you a taxi, walking you out, and waiting with you until it arrives, or calling the police if you feel the situation warrants it.
To learn more about the various ways to use this signal have a look at the link provided. If you work in the food and beverage industry consider making your establishment aware of this information and educating everyone on what to do if someone uses this code.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when attempting to leave. If you’re planning to leave, reach out to professionals who can help you create a safety plan.
You are not alone. There are people and organizations ready to help when you’re ready to leave behind a life of living in fear❤️
Throughout my life as a creative the question I’m most often asked is, “where do you get your ideas?” I used to find this question difficult to answer but after giving it a lot of thought, over many years, I feel like I can offer insight into my own creative process that might be helpful to others.
It is my belief that the creative process is a form of alchemy. Bits and pieces of ideas bubble up into my mind, as if from some secret spring within. If I’m lucky these bits and pieces are forged into living, breathing, physical forms of creative expression. Unfortunately the process isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
This a piece from my recent 2025 Creative Alchemy Series alcohol ink & glitter on ceramic tile sealed with Satin Mod Podge
For me this process of using the forge I like to imagine within my soul for the purpose of creative alchemy often feels a bit like magic. An idea pops into my head while I’m out for a walk, in the shower, watching something mindless on tv, listening to music, cooking or baking. Perhaps you could say it’s the mundane tasks that open up space in my brain for me to sift through bits and pieces I haven’t had a chance to process because I’m too busy with the more complex tasks of everyday living. These inspirations usually take time to develop fully.
If I must, I can force an idea in order to meet a deadline. As Scottish philosopher, Thomas Carlyle, said, “no pressure, no diamond.” Deadlines are often especially motivating for me.
Another piece from my 2025 Creative Alchemy Series alcohol ink & glitter on ceramic tile sealed with Satin Mod Podge
Sometimes I get a lightning strike of pure inspiration, an idea arrives fully formed almost immediately, and I’m able to easily bring the creation to life in whatever medium I decide the idea needs to be expressed in. These don’t happen often, I can’t explain how it happens, but I treasure it so much when it does occur.
Most often my ideas take time to marinate within me and I’ll mess around with the idea until I figure out what it’s meant to look, sound, or feel like. In all honesty I have some ideas that have lingered in my mind for years. I may have tried to flesh them out but not had any luck… yet. The key for me is knowing when to place an idea on the back burner while I forge ahead with other more promising ideas. This doesn’t mean I give up on those ideas simmering away on the back burner. I just give them room to bubble and brew while I turn my attention to something else. In some cases, eventually, I find more inspiration for that old idea.
Sometimes I contact a trusted friend with a kernel of an idea or show them what I’ve got so far and they’ll usually give me a comment, question, suggestion, or observation that spurs me forward to finish the piece.
People like this are so important to me creatively and I do the best I can to support them in their own personal endeavors, creative or otherwise. It can be scary to go to someone with a half baked idea and be confident that they’ll understand your creative process isn’t finished yet, appreciate that, offer encouragement, as well as the creative inspiration I’m looking for.
Friends I trust to help with my creative process are a rare breed and I’m always careful to ensure I cultivate these relationships so the friend feels seen, heard, and understood. If they want similar creative insights for wherever their passion lies, I do my best to offer enthusiastic encouragement, allow them space to bounce ideas off me, and give them carefully thought out creative insights for them to take or leave. Most important is that I’m there to build them up and ensure they feel like they’re not putting in more than they get out of our relationship. I never want to take friends for granted because they’re so important.
Another piece from my 2025 Creative Alchemy Series alcohol ink & glitter on ceramic tile sealed with Satin Mod Podge
I do find, that I often worry about letting friends down when I have to cancel because my chronic pain, anxiety, and/or depression is getting the best of me. When this happens I try to reschedule as soon as possible but it can be difficult when chronic pain flare ups and the fatigue of chronic pain can be so unpredictable in nature. I try to keep communicating and sometimes ask if we can chat on the phone instead of meeting up because I still want to ensure I’m staying in touch and being supportive.
I’ll be writing more about my ongoing battle with chronic pain in future posts. For now, let’s return to the topic of where I get my ideas:
I find it important to be incredibly persistent and passionate to push through the doubts about creative endeavours that may come from within and from outside sources. Negative outside sources can be extremely damaging. If someone is only ever tearing me down rather than offering support and encouragement I generally stop seeking their opinion. Making this choice can be difficult because it makes it hard for me to trust them with any of the challenges in my life and if we can’t have any kind of these intimate exchanges it’s not much of a friendship or relationship.
Then there’s the obstacle of how best to express my creative vision, what media is best suited to make my idea a reality?
For me, my creative ideas are most often forged into the following:
Writing – blogs, journal entries, fiction, poetry, and nonfiction
Drawing – gel pen, markers, pen, pencil, pastels, and pencil crayon
Painting – watercolour, acrylic, alcohol ink, acrylic ink, as well as natural colour from coffee, tea, berries, and flowers
Jewelry Making – beading and upcycling abandoned and broken jewelry into necklaces, bracelets, rings, earrings, pins, brooches, and other accessories. I also make one of a kind wearable art pieces by encasing my alcohol ink abstract artwork in metal settings topped with domed glass.
In addition to my go-too favourites, I like to play with resin, spray paints, collage, decoupage, sculpting… honestly, I’ll try anything and enjoy diversity in the media I work with.
More from my recent 2025 Creative Alchemy Series alcohol ink on ceramic tile sealed with Satin Mod Podge
Do I ever give up and walk away from an idea? Absolutely! Not every idea is alchemized and forged into a physical finished creation and that’s ok. I have torn up or deleted many a page and painted over many a canvas. Does this make me a failure? Absolutely not!
That’s one of the most important takeaways from this discussion of my creative process. It’s ok to not finish things. It’s ok to “fail”. I know if I keep pushing forward with new ideas I’ll end up producing more good than bad finished work. I have faith you can do this too.
Let me know about your creative process down in the comments or ask me anything you’d like about my own process. I’d love to hear from you and find out what drives you to create, what keeps you going, and what you struggle to overcome. Feel free to also have discussions with other readers in the comments but remember to be kind, respectful, and constructive💖
-Follow These Easy Steps to Create Your Own Strange Birds
New to nurturing your creative side? Here’s a simple project to get you started. Don’t worry if you’ve never drawn or painted before—you don’t need to draw a straight line for this. In fact, trying this out will help you appreciate the beauty of imperfection and the unique character it brings to the little creatures I’ll teach you to create.
All you need to get started:
Watercolour or mixed media paper (beginner quality from the Dollar Store is all you need)
Light pencil for sketching & eraser
Herbal tea brewed to several different strengths & colours (try both black tea at different strengths & berry coloured teas), coffee brewed at different strengths (you don’t need much of each colour so you can always use left over coffee and water it down to different colour strengths), beginner watercolour pallet, beginner acrylic colours, a variety of markers, pencil crayons, gel pens, or even just plain old crayons as long as you can sharpen them
Small variety of paint brushes from dollar store if you plan to use tea or paint
Rinse water cup if you’re using paint
Space where you can work and a little peace & quiet if possible
Arrange the items you need for the project around your workspace so they’re easy to reach and let’s get started:
Have a look at my simple but fun bird designs shown in accompanying pictures. The owl was done with a black fine-liner pen on smooth white paper. The middle bird was done with different colours of tea on watercolour paper and a black fine-liner. The flock in the bottom corner was done with different coloured gel pens on black paper. Try starting small with a 4×6 paper, or 8×10 max.
Start sketching the bird.
Begin with the two round oval eyes
Add in pupils. You can make them crosseyed, looking in a specific direction, or even have each pupil looking in a different direction for an extra crazy look.
Add eyelids Partway down eyes using a curved line if you like
Add no more than three lashes grouped off the side of each eyelid if you wish
Add beak by drawing an upside down v shape from the bottom of one eye to the bottom of the other eye
Add the top of the head by connecting a half circle from the outer top of the upper eye over to the other side
Add curly hairs, spikes, curly squiqles, or even a simple bow shape with hair coming up from it. Let your imagination run wild and try all sorts of different hair styles
Draw down from the bottom outer corner of the eyes to make a fat circle or a long oval shape for the body
On each side draw three attached and curved wings to the body
Add two mini three pronged, pitchfork shaped claws at the bottom of the body
Now you’ve got the basic shape of your bird. Spend some time erasing, and redrawing a bit until you’re reasonably happy with the shape.
***Remember, these birds aren’t meant to be perfect. They’re meant to be strange little characters that’ll distract you from your troubles for a while and make you smile, so don’t get hung up on trying to get everything exact. As you practice drawing more, they’ll get easier. You can always practice on scrap paper a few times before drawing on your good paper.
A light coloured plain pencil and quality eraser to sketch in the lines to give yourself a guide of where to start filling your bird in with colour.
If you’re using watercolours or other paints it’s easier to fill your birds in with colours first. Once the paint dries then use a fineliner or think black marker to outline them. A plain black thin Sharpie will do the trick nicely.
Ensure you don’t fill in the whites of the eyes.
Touch up and smooth out anything that needs refining
Sign it and be proud of yourself for creating your first little Strange Bird character
YOU DID IT!
Let me know how it went in the comments or, even better, I’d love to see your Strange Birds if you’d like to pop them into the comment section here or on Facebook or DM them to me if you’re shy on facebook or Instagram and I promise not to share them unless you say it’s ok. I’d just love to see what everyone comes up with.
Check my Instagram @soul_forge_7 where I post lots of my original work. You can also find lots of my original work in my Poshmark closet boutique where I’m listed as @kimb24601
Until 2012, I believed I had no visual artistic talent, thinking writing was my only creative outlet. I wasn’t bothered by this; I adore writing. This gift alone has guided me through some incredibly dark days. In retrospect, I find it ironically amusing that my first venture into painting produced these cheerful little creatures, especially since I was far from happy. I was actually experiencing some of the bleakest days of my late 20s and early 30s. I grappled with relentless, gnawing chronic pain from multiple injuries, along with panic attacks, pervasive anxiety, and depression. Tears were a constant companion, and I existed in a perpetual state of fight, flight, or fawn. My anxiety had literally made me ill, and I felt utterly powerless against my racing thoughts. It was truly dreadful.
Talking to my Mom on the phone, receiving comfort from my then-husband, leaning on my friends for help, visiting psychologists and psychiatrists for advice, and making frequent calls to The Distress Centre in Calgary for assistance were my most common methods of coping. Realizing I had to learn ways to self-soothe and that I couldn’t just rely on other people to heal, I began searching for good distractions from the mental and physical agony that plagued me. That’s when I decided to haul out some of the art supplies I’d inherited from my grandmother, who was a phenomenal visual artist.
Another Flock of Strange Birds 5×7 inches (available) gel pen on black paper #kimbarracloughartPartial pic of 24 Birds & a worm ink & pencil crayon on paper (early work from 2013)
I decided to start with watercolours and drawing with pencil crayons. Recalling the art lessons my grandmother had given me during my childhood I was able to get started and gain some comfort by using her favourite medium, watercolours, and something I enjoy drawing with, ink and pencil crayon.
As I practiced I felt my grandmother’s warm, encouraging, and comforting presence guiding me as I experimented with her brushes and paints. I also enjoyed drawing with plain black ink and pencil crayons because I liked how they felt on the page and I remembered my grandmother encouraging me to draw the little flowers I constantly doodled all over everything during class in high school and college.
Soon, like magic, I began creating quirky, goofy, and downright silly little birds—often while my tears mingled with the paint and water on the paper. Before long, I’d amassed a vast collection of what I came to call my “Strange Birds.” Inspired, I started crafting bookmarks, laminating them, and giving them away to friends and family. Soon, I expanded my creations to include magnets, framed pictures, coloring sheets, and prints.
Big Owl 2013 This is my first big acrylic painting I did on canvas. It’s simple because I stuck to my favourite type of character to create but I took some chances with colour, texture, and energy. I love how it turned out, especially given the small amount of experience I had.
I’m incredibly grateful for finding this creative outlet to distract myself from the physical pain and mental anguish during these tough times and during tougher times to come. Little did I know, things would get worse before they’d improve. Since discovering my love for visual art, I’ve relied heavily on it as a coping mechanism. Over time, I explored various artistic styles and took lots of lessons. Yet, to this day, I always return to drawing my Strange Birds as they never fail to bring a smile to my face.
In spite of them giving me a smile and distracting me a bit, I didn’t think my Strange Birds were special until I started to get positive feedback from everyone who saw them. I loved how they made kids and adults smile, especially since they came into existence in spite of the troubled times I was going through. My hope now is that by releasing my “Strange Birds” into the wild for others to draw, is that they might find some of the solace and escape I found with them. So follow me for my next post where I’ll guide you through a simple process that’ll allow you to create Strange Birds of your own. Let me know in the comments if you think you can draw them… bet ya can😜💕
Check out my next post today that’ll provide a step by step guide to drawing these simple and sweet little birds. I encourage you to add your own personal flair once you get comfortable🐣🐥
I often hear the phrase, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body,” from people after they find out I’m an artist and writer. These words never fail to break my heart because as soon as I ask a bit about what the person likes to do in their spare time or what they do for work, I’m always able to begin pointing out all the creativity they use each day for the many different pursuits they mention. I can honestly say I have never met a person without a creative bone in their body… ever.
Take a moment to think about your hobbies, pastimes, occupations, and interests… Can you honestly tell me there’s not an ounce of creative thinking, being, or doing in your life?
Here’s an extensive, but not exhaustive, list of things that require creativity even if some of them aren’t usually categorized as being conventional creative outlets:
Painting figures, Sculpting, Model making, Paper crafts, Pottery, Problem solving, Innovation strategy, puzzle solving, Fashion styling, Personal image consulting, Accessorizing, Woodworking, Carpentry, DIY projects, Furniture restoration, Metal work, Business promotion, Marketing strategy, Brand development, Interior decorating, Room styling, Space planning, Color coordination, Cake decorating, Food plating, Pastry art, Bread making, Food carving, Recipe creation, Digital design, Graphic creation, UI/UX development, Journaling, Scrapbooking, Memory keeping, Vision boarding, Crocheting, Knitting, Embroidery, Quilting, Weaving, Sewing, Upcycling and altering clothes, Photography, Photo editing, Image composition, Dancing, Choreography, Movement expression, Drawing, Doodling, Sketching, Illustration, Painting, Mixed media, Video editing, Motion graphics, Animation, Social media curation, Garden design, Landscape planning, Plant arrangement, Flower arrangement, Rock collecting, Specimen preparation, Display curation, Trading, Website design, Digital architecture, User experience creation, Event planning, Party themes, Celebration design, Puzzle solving, Strategy gaming, Game modification, Level design, Social media content, Digital storytelling, Online engagement, Gift wrapping, Package design, Present decoration, Playing instruments, Music composition, Lyric writing, Vocal performance, Band practice, Music production, Sound engineering, Audio mixing, Playlist curation, Music discovery, Mood matching, Story writing, Poetry composition, Creative fiction, Character development, Writing critique, Blogging, Content creation, Digital publishing, Letter writing, Personal correspondence, Journal keeping, Teaching materials, Lesson planning, Resource creation, Workshop design, Online courses, E-learning development, Digital education, Children’s activities, Educational games, Learning experiences, party planning…
All of the activities I mentioned above—and countless others—involve some form of creativity. So, like it or not, YOU ARE CREATIVE.
Take a moment to sit with those words and ponder why it’s so difficult to accept that you possess creative abilities and use them regularly. When did someone tell you that doodling cartoons in the margins, daydreaming, or pursuing your interests was a waste of time? Were you led to believe that only traditional academic or athletic pursuits held value?
Once you acknowledge that your pursuit of traditional creative endeavours may have been discouraged, give yourself credit for how your creativity has managed to bubble up as if from a secret spring within you throughout your life—even though you thought your well was dry. Your innate creativity has been helping you all along, finding ways to express itself despite obstacles
Sparkle Blossoms – Acrylic & glitter on 12×12 inch canvas – When I began painting the piece shown above I wasn’t particularly inspired until I looked at the shades of purple I had, a particular brush shape, and a bottle of glitter. Once I put those items together the piece took shape in my mind and I began to build it.
Creativity always finds a way. Even if you think you have a creative block in one area, creativity will ooze out of you in some other way. Even if someone says you haven’t any talent, the creative talent they tried to tamp down or stamp out will find another way.
Just face it, you’re insanely talented, so you must keep fighting what you’ve likely been told or told yourself. You must nurture the creative embers in your soul until soon you’ll barely need to fan the flames to keep the fire of creativity burning ever brighter within you, now that you recognize it’s been there just waiting to be fostered further along.
Guys like this sweet little owl are what started my art exploration.I always thought I couldn’t draw, that writing was my only creative outlet. It wasn’t until chronic pain, anxiety, & depression began tormenting me day and night that I picked up some of the water colours and my grandmother, who was an incredible artist, left me. I slowly but surely developed these goofy little avians into my longest running series, Strange Birds
Please comment and let me know if this made you reconsider your proclivity for creativity. I’d love to hear if you recognized anything you do as being creative that you hadn’t considered before, or if your opinion about your creative capabilities shifted at all🌸😊
My name is Kim and this is where I plan to forge ahead with creative new ideas by showcasing blogs, poetry, art, and videos that have come forth from the creative forge deep within my soul and are alchemized onto the page, canvas, and screen.
Recent piece from my new Creative Alchemy Series – alcohol ink & glitter on ceramic tile sealed with Satin Mod Podge
Here at Soul Forge 7 my aim is to cover topics I’ve personally dealt with, am dealing with, and can provide personal insight into, as well as researched information regarding:
General creativity, making art, appreciating art, poetry, anxiety, depression, social anxiety, self harm, suicidal ideation, hospitalization for mental illness, disability, ability, chronic pain, general mental health and wellness, domestic violence, coercive control, familial relationships, creativity, writing, positivity, self-love, kindness, and & a host of related topics.
You Are Enough freehand text art I made in 2024 jelly roll gel pen on black paper
I plan to occasionally shake things up by throwing in some news style stories related to topics I’m covering. I also plan to pen multiple series of blogs all having to do with the same subject matter. For instance; I’ll be putting out a series about domestic violence that’ll include a news style commentary piece, information and video about the domestic violence distress signal, as well as a personal blog about part of my personal experience with domestic violence.
I wrote a similar blog about material I had personal experiences with from 2016 to 2018. It was called Perkreations https://perkreationscom.wordpress.com/ The name is a portmanteau of my former married name, Perkins, and the word, creations. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it and I will occasionally repost material from it, sometimes with updates, & sometimes without.
1st Anniversary Tree for M & H acrylic ink, acrylic paint, & modelling paste on heart shaped canvas
I love hearing feedback, questions, & suggestions from readers. Hearing how you react to my work is so much more important than the statistics AI pumps out for me. The numbers do provide interesting information and insights but those stats don’t hold a candle to the insights I gain from direct feedback from readers. It’s also lovely to see readers connecting with each other to have discussions or to offer support and encouragement related to the blog topic.
All I ask is that you keep the comment section kind. I will not tolerate bullying of others in the comments. If you have criticism for me I ask that you keep it constructive and respectful. I want to hear what you think I can improve on but I am a real person with real feelings, so please be kind. there’s no reason we can’t have honest conversations without the inclusion of kindness💖
I’ve had a few names in my lifetime and perhaps I’ll still write something as Vasenna Fields in the future. Honestly though, I think I’ll stick to Barraclough. It’s a long and tricky name, but it’s the name I was born with. It’s the name my parents had, the name my father’s parents had. I’m proud to be associated with my lineage.
I’ve been working on a personal project to bring myself to a place of better financial stability. I’ve made the difficult decision to sell my house and downsize in order to simplify my life financially, which will bring me greater peace of mind, and less constant fear about my ability to cover the bills. Having less will give me so much more in life.
Narcissist, empath, OCD, “schizo”, and PTSD – These words are a small sampling of words frequently thrown around with such wild abandon that they’ve lost their true meaning or they’ve gained meaning they were never meant to have.
Imagine for a moment that you wake from a deep sleep and your heart is going a million kilometres an hour. Breaking into a cold sweat you sit bolt upright in bed. Your heart continues to pound so hard you can hear it in your ears.
Have you ever felt so mentally unwell, unstable, uncomfortable, that you start to think it would be better if you didn’t exist? Perhaps they’re fleeting thoughts at first, perhaps you shake your head afterwards, wondering why you just thought about something you’d usually think to be unthinkable.
My favourite brands are small. My favourite brands are unrecognized as “brands”. The less brand-ier the better...
In order to cope with all of the difficulties I’ve encountered in the past, as well as recovery from difficulties I’m still trying to overcome, music has been one of the most important tools I have accumulated to assist me. No matter what the problem I’m struggling with music is something I always go back to.
I’m back with Volume 3 of my Lighten Up Series, where just for a moment, I pretend like there aren’t scads of stories I’m working on about serious topics, and I respond to a frivolous question nobody asked me… Which 5 creature comforts would you want with you on your deserted island?
This is a story about a time when I didn’t take action to protect myself and I wish I had. I have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this situation but I’d like to share it anyway as I don’t think financial abuse is discussed enough publicly. This makes it painful for victims to come forward with their own stories, to take preventative action, and for their loved ones to understand how it happens.
Soul Forge 7 