Well I have officially made the switch from windows to mac, and no the decision wasn’t based souly off those commercials where the cool hip guy is stands next to a Bill Gates look alike and the cool guy that represents a mac always ends up making the PC guy look like a big ol’ foo’. Nope, but it made my decision a lot easier! After being pretty frustrated with our one year old Vista’s cruddieness, slowness, and unhipness I decided to make my first purchase of a computer a Mac. So far it’s not too shabby. I’m excited cuz of the built in recording system I can use for a plethora of cool things, also the easier video editing, web cam, the fact I can save my files on a Word document when I can’t even do that on our Vista!!! (ok maybe part of that is we lost the product key to Word but it still’s stinky). However, the fact my laptop doesn’t have two buttons on it’s built in mousepad thing kinda stinks (since I’m not accustomed to the keyboard commands). And just adjusting to the new system in general takes some time to get use to. Though all in all I am pretty happy and content with the new computer, considering world wide the percentage of those who could even afford a computer is so small. So I’ll stop nit picking now about something many billions of people would be very grateful of, and see what else I need to do before school starts tomorrow.
From April 10, 2007
Tonight I feel like writing, some poetry, about life and all my thoughts. But really how can I describe this life, in some sort of original way, how can I explain a moment, how can anyone? What can I say that hasn’t already been said, do what hasn’t already been done, what can I attempt to analyze what hasn’t already been? I fail to find words to describe what’s on my heart.
This world just seems so empty full of empty emotions, empty laughter and humor, just emptiness in general. We fill our lives with empty meaninglessness everyday, I just think of all the surveys I see and fill out, and I think: what futility, what a waste of time. We just selfishly fill out every question about ourselves, does anyone even read them, no most of them don’t read them, they just copy and paste them so that they can one about themselves.
Such a waste, such a waste, all of this is, all of this entertainment. It’s like we try to fill up our lives with so many things, so we can forget reality, forget sorrow, forget our misery, forget our fate. We drown ourselves with noise, hoping to forget how depressed we are inside. But eventually the lights go off, the tv turns off, the computer shuts down, the music fades, and we are left allow in the quiet with the same dull, empty, lonely feelings.
The world is so shallow, it never fills but we want more, we keep going back for more, we try finding something in it, some meaning. When we get lonely some minds try to wonder, to better things, some start to lust, they lust the love that our hormones crave, but when we get it, we just want more. We are never satisfied; the millionaires covet the billionaires, the billionaires covet the trillionairs. It’s such a depressing world, no wonder why so many try to escape it, but that’s no cure either. All they do is for fit any hope at all and add grief to the ones who tried to care, tried and did love them. I’m not one to do that, for there is hope, we just look in the wrong places.
To think somebody died tonight, I don’t know who it was, or anything about that person, I just know they died, their life on this planet has ended. Death is such a sad ugly thing, yet people never seem to grasp it’s full implication, and seem to be way too immune to it. People play it in games, see it in the movies, joke about it. Maybe that helps people to ignore it in real life.
As long as it’s not someone too close to you, it seems to be easy to move on, like the girl at my work who committed suicide, who’s been on my mind a bit the last couple weeks.
It’s now about 3 or 4 weeks since it happened and everything seems to be going on just like it always had. Granted you don’t always know what people are really thinking, but I think in general that everyone at work has gotten over it, at least on the outside. I’ve been thinking about that girl, I didn’t really know her, she was so quite and worked in a different area then me.
Still I wonder what influence I could have had on her, if I could have been bolder in my faith, maybe like Paul, or even just been more friendly and outgoing to everyone there. Would that have changed her decision, would it have given her hope? Who knows and most likely there’s nothing I could have done, but still there’s something haunting about it.
It reminds me how life is so short, and you don’t know how much longer you have with anybody you come in contact with. It haunts, or rather, inspires me to live my life like it’s my last day, even though each day I’m too scared to do so.
I still wonder what thoughts were going through her head, and why did she do it? Why? Had she given up hope? Had she been depressed like we all seemed to have been at point or another, but just took it one step further then we’ve dared to go?
The only hope one can have in life is God. Think about it, with out a God what hope do we have? If there is no God everything is just a meaningless waste of time, all of this monotony, everyday routines, all our traditions, why am I doing it if I’m just going to end up sleeping for eternity, what is the point of doing this all?
What motivation to I have to be good or follow laws, if there’s no God, if nobody catches me, who would ever know? All they’d be doing is just ruining my enjoyment of life, for isn’t that what life is, just a survival of the fittest? Why shouldn’t I have the right to steal from the weak? Without God who’s to tell me what’s right and wrong? It’s up to man to make rules of moralities without God, so I’m man, why can’t I make up my own rules?
Or does it go by the majority, if the majority says it’s right it makes things ok, so if man says stealing, murder, adultery, is all ok, it makes it right? What else can you accept with God, just a grim fate of temporary enjoyment.
But no, there’s something inside us that screams for justice, truth, honesty, but why, why do we all agree murder is wrong, is it just a coincidence. Why do we humans seek a god of any type, where did we get that idea? Just that we’re able to think about the idea of God is evidence for God’s existence.
Why do so many humans of all walks of life, even those who are separated from the rest of humanity, have this idea of god? Why do we all have the need to love and be loved, could it be that God put it in our hearts love and be loved by Him? And could it be, the reason why the world’s so dull and empty, is because apart from God nothing can fulfill us, and He made that way so we might seek Him and be saved from our depression. Because when we seek Him and have enjoyment in Him we can really have true enjoyment in the other things he has made.
Yet in our resistance we have ruined what He has made. We try to find enjoyment in God’s creation as long as God’s not apart of it. Then when we’re not happy we just blame God for it, even though He’s the only thing that gives us true joy. Not the temporary highs of the moment, but a deep, long lasting joy, the kind of joy that when everything else fails it’s still there, in ways words can’t describe.
It’s funny how people can ignore God and push Him away, and then when something bad happens wonder where He was. The thing is people don’t realize how sinful they actually are and how so undeserving they are of anything from God. In fact God wouldn’t be any less unloving and caring to send everyone to hell right now, because that’s what we deserve. We are the ones who rebelled against Him, who screwed up His creation, who mocked Him, blaming Him for our own mistakes.
It seems like in these ways people get into a lot of stereo types of God. People either think God’s a really crabby old man who will zap you every time you do something wrong. Or some hippie God who loves everybody and would never send anyone to hell, and basically his main purpose is to serve us. God, though, has revealed to us, himself, what he is really like, which is not at all like our stereo types.
Yes, He is a just and righteous God, punishing those to the disobey Him. He is perfect and demands perfection.
On the other hand God is full of love. By our own selves we are not perfect, yet God instead of destroying us, came down to take our punishment for us. He forgave us a debt we could never ever pay, simply just because He loved us!
And that brings me to a thing about Christianity people mistake all the time, and it really drives me crazy because it’s so off from the true point of it all.
It’s not about not sinning, for we all sin, so in saying we have to be perfect to be a Christian is saying no one could be a Christian, cause being perfect, right now, for us is impossible.
But that’s not the point, it’s about the forgiveness, grace, redemption, and love that God wants to give to those sinners, it’s about the true joy he has for us. He doesn’t want our empty prayers, grudging offerings, our hours of sitting still in a pew, He wants us, our relationship to be restored, creation with the Creator. That’s something to truly be happy about, and to really have hope in, and it finally gives us a way to have true rest and peace.
So to all my friends who’ve stuck with me, that is why I’m not depressed this seemingly lonely, empty night.
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From Jan 15, 2007
“Mmm…” I thought to myself, “how could make my blogs entertaining? Maybe instead of them being about my real life, I could make a fiction blog about my life. It’d be more exiting, funnier, people would actually want to read them, and who knows, I could get what I’ve only heard about in legends: A SUBCRIBER.” Well, I’m not sure if those were my thoughts exactly, but never the less I went and wrote a fictional blog for pure entertainment purposes and here it is:
Lately I’ve struggled… (Wait, wait, wait! Every one knows Times New Roman is not an exciting, entertaining font at all. If I want people reading this awake, I’ll have to type it in something like: THIS!!
Ok, much better now back to the blog)… …with coming up with ideas for blogs. Unlike other people who have to resort to stealing popular blogs, or writing a blog about not being able to write a blog, or going to the kitchen to find inspiration, I did what all the truly great blog writers of blogging past did: I went and hired a blog coach.Yep, found him on e-bay and for only 9.99$ he was mailed to me with in 3 business days. Oh, how overjoyed I was to finally arrived to coach me on to blogging greatness, I opened him up and with a cheerful shigrine he said, “Hi, my name is Bob!”
And I said, “Hi Bob!” then we began blogging.
“Oh my,” Bob said as he viewed my previous blogs, “You have a blog about not being able to write a blog. That’s not funny at all, and if it’s not funny no one will read it or subscribe to it or give kudos to make you feel warm and fuzzy. Instead you should write one about not being able to read a blog, and better yet make it about not being able to read a blog cause you’re being attacked a French polar bear in Hawaii.”
“What?” I said very surprised.
“People will love a blog like that because it’s random and everyone knows random=funny, and people will be more sympathetic for you since your being attacked by a French polar bear, since everyone hates French people.”
“Are you sure?” I said still very leery of his idea.
“Of coarse I’m sure, everybody hates French people; even French people hate French people! I’m a pro blog coach, remember, I’d think I’d know what would make a blog appealing or not! So what are you waiting for! Start writing your next very random and very funny blog, to which you will give 51% credit to me after it’s, became very, very popular!” At this point our relationship was getting tense, so I started writing my blog while he went to my kitchen to eat all my deli style ham. Then I finished my blog, (and he finished my ham) but when he looked at it he wasn’t too happy. “What is this?”
“My blog.” I replied.
“It’s pathetic!” he said.
“Why?” I replied.
“It’s about George Washington playing backgammon with an omelet! The #1 rule of random blog making is to NEVER make blogs about egg products, backgammon, or dead people with the exception of Abraham Lincoln. Statistics show it tends to turn people off and make them very unwelcome, un-warm, and very un-fuzzy!”
“What’s with you and being warm and fuzzy?” I asked, kind-of getting freaked out by the whole situation.
“Warm and fuzzy is everything! I can’t eat without warm and fuzzy, I can’t breathe without warm and fuzzy; I can’t exist without warm and funny!” At this point he started hyperventilating and I had to run him to the hospital where I found that he hadn’t had his medication in the 3 business days he was being shipped. Then I told him as much as I appreciated the help, I thought it would be the best for both of us if I wrote my blogs by myself. Even if that meant that I would have to remain, still, unsubscribed, and nobody would give me kudos. So I shipped him back to Cleveland, where I think he started a blog school for the easily aggravated, and distracted by food, and overall he is better off. And I believe I am as well, as now I enter into my “NEW ERA OF BLOGOGRAPHY!”
Wow, I think my fictional and real self learned some very valuable lessons. First: Randomness= more, weird than funny, and second: Trying to worry too much about entertaining and pleasing people in your blogs is stupid. So for now on I guess I’ll try to stay away too much from fictionalizing my life to make it seem more exciting.
–Love, yours truly, and most sincerely,
–sam
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A question came to me: “have you ever wanted more in life?”
More in life, what an interesting concept. It seems like we all are searching for something, every human has a desire, a desire for something more. We all want to be loved, we all have that void in our life that we oh so desperately want to fill. We try to fill it with girls, sports, music, sex, money, religion, drugs, power, fame, and anything else we can find and it works, for a little while. We fill our void with the “high” we get out of these things and then the high ends and we are back down to were we started. It’s like we’re cursed or something, we know we want something, we know we need something more in life, but we don’t have a clue what it is. It’s like that song:
We were meant to live for so much more and we lost ourselves,
Somewhere we live inside, somewhere we live inside…
And then…
We want more then this world has to offer,
We want more then the wars of our fathers,
And everything inside screams for second life.
Maybe that’s it, that the thought of eternity has been placed into the heart of man. That somehow we’re aware of this idea of eternity, and right and wrong, and the thought of death, even though we rather not think about it. Yet we can’t deny it no matter how long we put it off, because at the same time there is something about eternity that intrigues us.
When you think about this, it doesn’t make sense. How can we, just some random blobs of atoms mixed together, have these sorts of thoughts about things, about wanting more to life. Why should we if we’re just tissue? Just plain tissue doesn’t have these sorts of thoughts about things, questioning the reason for its existence. If what’s real is only what we can see, touch, taste, and feel, we have no hope, for nothing that we’ve been able to see, tough, taste, and feel has ever satisfied us. There has to be a God, cause it’s impossible for atoms to just come together and feel and think this way, there has to be a purpose for our existence.
But what does this have to do with our desires and our need to be loved and want more? Really the only thing that could bring us true happiness, and fulfill our desires, is to fulfill our purpose for our existence. But WHAT is it?!?
God created us with a purpose: to glorify God, worship Him, to enjoy a true relationship with Him, so that we may experience the true happiness and love that only God can give. Yet we chose to rebel, and all that did was hurt us, because it separated us from what we really wanted and needed. Because of that God could of just easily said, “screw you, I made you and gave you everything you wanted, yet you go and dis me in my face! I’ll just wipe you losers out and just make something that doesn’t act like such an idiot!”. But no, He stuck with us and He himself went through our own punishment just so we, if we turn back to him (Jesus) we don’t have to and so we can enjoy living for our purpose again. He lifted the curse upon man so we can experience love again, to grasp the very keys of eternity, and to know that God isn’t our biggest dread and nightmare, in fact to glorify God is what we wanted all along.
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This is from way back (even before I had a myspace!!) so sometime before 2006, but I think it still has some interesting things to think about in it, so give my younger self a chance and read it!
What am I writing about. No one knows. I just keep on writing about different stuff, why? I guess I get enjoyment somehow just sitting here and writing down my thoughts, I don’t really have any other good ways of communicating, if you know me you probably know I’m not very good at talking, or with conversations. Its like there is some disconnect between my brain and my tong. But its not really that bad around people I know really well, like parents or best friends, but people I’m not too familiar with. I think most of us have social anxieties in some way, shape, or form but none of us really show it. We are all worried of what others will think yet everybody else doesn’t really care and are more worried instead about what others will think of them. And that is the undying cycle of social life, mostly centered around one person: ourselves. I admit myself that I seem to try to impress people a lot when I’m around them, showing them how cool my CDs are, my bedroom is, my sports skills, the places I’ve been, even right now in writing this column, I’m trying to show you how good a writer I am.
Writing, yea; my love, hate relationship: I like the creative part of it but hate the actual writing down part of it, and am so procrastinate with it, it makes me feel guilty any time I’m not writing something. Funny how things can get that way, huh? It is again center around me. I like the feeling of self worth I get when I write something that others really enjoy (most likely Ill try to brag about this column to somebody). I think that’s why so many of us are depressed; we try to build up so much confidence in ourselves, but our ego comes crashing down every time we do that because no matter how hard we try well never be perfect, well always make mistakes.
We’ll always embarrass ourselves in front of our piers, make a mistake in the big game, say something really stupid, and well never live up to our own expectations. And the thing is nobody really cares too much because they are all too are worried about the same things. There is a way to break this undying cycle of social life. That way is to be less concerned about ourselves and pay more interest in others. If somebody has a hurt or a need care for them and be a friend, listen to what they have to say, then maybe you’ll have someone that will hear you when you have a hurt or need.
All of what I’ve been saying though leads to something bigger something deep then even human relationships. It is the human phenomena: everybody wants to be loved. You see it in music, TV, and in our own relationships. From the time since we were babies; wanting our mothers affection, to kids; wanting our friends affection, to teens; and wanting Girls/Guys affection. Then when we cant get it we try to fill the void with everything from sports to sex, music to drugs, video games to eating, and you see it ALL OVER the place. It is all screaming out for something, some meaning to life in all the kais, but what could possibly fill this void? The answer no matter how you look at it is God, and not just any, the God of the Bible, the God who made your very being to have a deep and intimate relationship with Him. It is not by chance that the desire to be loved is in you, God put it there for a purpose: that you would come to know Him. Just think about that! The very God who set the universe in orbit, who skillfully created the complex atom, who made the human eye to see images, and the ear to ear sounds, knows you: all your weaknesses, all your faults, the dark things even your friends don’t know, and STILL love you! And has redeemed you, even though it coast Him giving up His own son to die! Now that is a love no friend or human innovation can give. God’s offering that love to you this very second, and the best part about it: its totally free! The only thing you have to do is accept Christ’s gift for you on the cross and its yours. Now this may mean a changing of your lifestyle and giving yourself up to God, but it is TOTALLY worth it! God has the best in mind for you and does all things for your ultimate benefit in heaven and His ultimate glory. It goes back again to this one point: The more we give our selves over to God the more we ultimately gain. What I am I writing about? Praise the God who knows
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(From Oct 9, 2006) I learned something the other day
I learned something the other day, and it wasn’t the first time I learned it either, that no matter how hard I try, no matter how many stories I write or songs I make up, I can’t do anything good on my own power, even if it’s to please the Lord. But it’s only by Him I am able to do anything good or worth while. I know I’ve been down on myself lately in these blogs, and that’s not a good thing. I think what God is trying to tell me again and again that on my own power alone, I won’t be able to glorify through my writing or anything that I’m doing. But only by His gracious power and strength I’m able to speak even one intelligent word. So now I’m tired of trying this on my own, I’m ready to give myself up all over again to the God who by His power anything is possible.
STOP THE ADDNESS!! (From July 21, 2007)
I needed a break, from all the stimulation. I wanted to do more blogging, more writing this summer, but the opposite has happened. Every time I’ve tried to use the computer, I get nothing done. I get side tracked by myspace, facebook, IM, youtube, homestarrunner, and 15 minutes turns into hours and hours. Its crazy , and it’s not just me. We’ve become a culture where our drug is stimulation. Just think, what if tomarrow the internet crashed and stopped working? What would we do? We’d survive, but just think off all the people (and businesses too) that’d go crazy. It’s amazing how dependent we’ve become on something that didn’t even exist when most of us were even born (at least I don’t think they had it in 1990, I could be wrong, but anyway back to the point).
If not the web, what about cell phones, iPods, TV, digital cameras, multi media in general? What if they all stopped for some reason all over the world? Besides the fact (which is still sad) that our economy would collapse and everything would be in complete chaos since everything is run on computers now-a-days, what would we do? How would we entertain ourselves? How would we communicate? We’d actually have to use our brains, think of something. We’d actually have to talk to people face to face, we’d actually have to move, and go outside, and dust off our imaginations. I don’t know if our culture could handle it. America’s so hooked on stimulation now, it’ll be hard ever to go backwards. We’re an ADD generation, attentions growing shorter by the second. How long can we go on like this before driving ourselves completely crazy?!?
That’s why I needed a break; no myspace, no IM, but take a nap, get outside, and be reminded of how much more life is. Oh Lord, I know You have so much more than this world ever will! Oh Lord, fill me with that fire again! Like You have so many times. That fire of Your Spirit that does what no form of entertainment can do: satisfy my sole. Oh Lord, fill me again!
(From May24, 2007) When was the last time…
…you stopped and just thought about things. Not about worries and schedules and things like that but just thought. When was the last time you turned off the computer, TV, I-Pod, cell phone, and just sat looking outside with just you and your thoughts. When was the last time you just wandered aimlessly outside and just day dreamed and let your imagination go lose and uncontrolled. When was the last time you just sat outside and smelled the air and looked up at the sky and the trees and ask your self “who made all this? How did this come to be?” Oh how long has it been since I’ve stopped and let the quietness surround me and just think about things? Well right now is as good of time as any.
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From sometime in the Fall of 2006:
Yes a week or so ago I turned 16, and yes I have never been kissed (except for when I have a boo-boo and my mommy and daddy come and make it all better, jk or am I?). Well anyway the events of which I am about to tell you have nothing to do with what I just said, but it might be just as strange.
Ok so it’s my sweet 16th right? So my parents had the bright idea to call and get 16 kids from youth group to bring me a two litter bottle of pop at an event the Saturday prier to the day. But the thing is at first I got only 12 bottles (which is PLENTY) but then one of our youth leaders wanted to get in on the action too. So Brian on his way to work (6:30 on my B-day) gently knocked on the cellar door to my basement bedroom (which directly goes outside) and hand delivered it to me while I was still in bed. Probably the weirdest start to a birthday I’ve had, but I’m not complaining.
To continue the day my lovely day, we went to Grand Rapids, for my ceremonial drivers test (since my grandma was the teacher she wanted my to do it there), and to make a long story short and readable: YA I FAILED THE STUPID TEST! To make the short story longer and less readable I’ll tell ya the details:
–Not because I was blazing though stop sings and hitting old ladies, oh no, I failed in part because I was OVER-cautious. But even that wasn’t so bad until coming out of a beautiful parallel park on a road barely anyone drives on, I checked once…nothing, then went pulled out, thought I had made it clear then I heard the voice of my worst nightmare as the instructor suddenly called in a loud voice: STOP!! And low and behold a white car had drove up right in front of me and so managed to destroy all hopes I had to get my license on that special, momentous day. (Oh well, I got it a week latter)–//thus ends the long story//
Ok so then we go out to lunch, I buy a couple of cd’s at a Christian book store then after a while we head to Deer River for my JV football game. And to make another long story short we lost 14-0 (don’t worry, there’s no long story this time).
But
, to make up for all of that, my very good friends (Aaron & Tyler™) were there and we went out to dairy queen, which was fun. And for one last surprise they were in on my pop thing too! And they didn’t just give me 2 bottle or 3 or even 4, but 9! So now I have 22 bottles… no wait I ended up with 2 more, then I drank 2 of them so let me see that would leave me with… 22 bottles!
Yes, it was a very sweet 16 indeed, one I probably won’t forget any time soon. The only thing I could ask for now from my friends is just this simple request: COME TO MY HOUSE TO HELP ME DRINK ALL THIS POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (It’s going to give me a big tummy ache, then my mommy will once again have to kiss my boo-boo)
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From July 24, 2007
Well this a story about my dog, my cute, little, cocker-poodle, white, curly haired, with eye that scream “pet me, pet me”, dog. Yes it is in fact a very cute dog, but there is a darker side to this, oh so lovable, dog, of which my story entails.
You see my dog, although we thought we had him potty trained, still has had trouble, ahem “making it outside in time”. And lately he has had quite some trouble at this, possibly due to a hint of rebellious nature in him. But anyway it just so happens that his two favorite “special places” in our house happen to be the very upstairs and the very downstairs. I’m guessing it’s due to the fact he doesn’t want to bother seeing his own mess in the place where he spends the majority of his time, the main floor. He also for some reason (I’m guessing it has something to do again with not wanting to deal with it) really likes to leave his lovely presents of high, out-of the way places (well at least for him). Such high places have included recently, the kitchen counter and my parents’ bed. Though this is frustrating, at least in my mind I could have been thankful that my main domain (downstairs in my bedroom) has been left pretty much undisturbed by little Kermit the dog…
…Well at least untill two days ago when lucky I caught a number 1 and 2 a top my blankets before I sat down in it. And though that made my pretty upset, it is not the end of my story.
You see this is the real beginning of my story, last night:
Ah, it was a good night, I had just got my bigger top two blankets back from yesterday when I put it in the wash. I did a good job at keeping the door to the basement shut as well that day to prevent any further miss haps. And hey, I didn’t have work tomorrow till four so I can sleep in for the first time in a while! Ah, this was going to be a goodnight, but then, oh what’s that? A little turd by my dresser (should have been a warning) but hey, it’s just a little turd, it’s forgivable. So I went to clean it up and throw it in the downstairs bathroom and on the way, low and behold I stepped into a little bigger pile right in front of the bathroom (I guess he didn’t make it! Hahaha, oh I’m sooo funny!). That made me a little more mad, but hey, I got it cleaned up and finally hit the hey in my nice cozy bed. From there I had a rather nice sleep I should say, maybe even a couple of good dreams I can’t remember. Yes indeed, a very peaceful relaxing sleep.
Mmmm, let’s see it was almost four A.M., three…three fifty-something I think, when I kind-of subconsciously woke up. Because well, idk, there was something…something by my legs, all shredded up, sorta squishy…no, it couldn’t be! Of course it couldn’t be, how in the world could the dog be able to…no it couldn’t be! I reached down. I grabbed a piece of the whatever it was. I sniffed it…
Oh, Crap. Literally, yeah that’s right.
Immediately I got up, I didn’t even have to see it, I knew that smell anywhere. I got up, grabbed my pillow and some Pjs, ran up stair and took a nice long shower. And though you could imagine my feelings towards my dog weren’t all too warm and fuzzy at the moment, I had to laugh to myself. Somehow he had managed to get UNDER my sheets and poop (talk about covering up your mistakes). Yep, pretty amazing. And while I was picking out tiny pieces of poo that were strangled in my leg hair, I thought to my self, “wow, wouldn’t this make a great blog! It’d be a must read; one of those stories that all your friend stand in aw and amazement over, and hopefully, if I’m lucky, leave a handful of comments and/or kudos.” And maybe just maybe, that’ll make up for this whole catastrophe.
And so, I got out of the shower, went downstairs again, and after carefully checking my couch, I got some clean blankets and slept there, peaceably, through the rest of the night.
That my friends is my story, the story of my life, last night at least. And though it sounds bad, do not pity me for when I look back and think about it, it really wasn’t that bad. In fact it’s kinda cool (in a sick, twisted sorta way)! I’ve done something that most likely none of my friends have ever or will ever do: unwarily sleep half the night on a pile of dog poo. Yep, yep, yep, such a great accomplishment, and though I’d love to stay here and continue to reminisce about it, I believe I still have some sheets that need to be thrown in the washer right now. So if your excuse me I’d like to wish you all a very safe and uncrappy day! Goodbye!
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Alright peoples, I’ve got a bunch of old blogs from my myspace days that I’ll be posting like crazy pretty soon. There’s a variety of different topics to these blog, while some are pretty old or writen to a different audience, they might be a good way to get to know me and my writings. So without further adu here they go
this first one’s about my summer last year…:
From Aug 12, 2007
Hello one and all. For a while I’ve been meaning to write about this summer and all it’s wonderful events that have taken place for me, but haven’t got around to it…untill now! So here are some of the top highlights:
11. Hmm, well I went to my cousin wedding in North Dakota. Hmm, well there wasn’t too much that happen there (it was North Dakota after all), expect my other good cousin (6 on my top friends) was there and we had a good time buying energy drinks, dancing, and finding Geo-caches in the middle of nowhere! Haha, well yeah that’s pretty much it.
10-next: It all started when I changed my IM name to “I’m going to start a band… tomorrow” then my good buddy Tyler IM’ed me “your going to start a band?”, and I said “umm yeah, want to join?” “sure”. And from there our band was born. Shortly latter Tyler’s twin Aaron joined, then we added James (from camp). We still don’t have a name (we’ve narrowed it down to like 9ish ideas) and we live 45 minutes from each other…so that might be an issue. Mmm, well at least we’ll have a myspace, once we think of a name that is.
9- Next, next was camp time, and oh the wondrous fun we had!! Hmm idk where 2 start. It could have been when we laid all our mats on the floor to create a mega bed, to which there’s some interesting pics in my pics section. Then my good buddies (I won’t say for their privacy) had the great idea to go skinny dipping. I’m not sure if I’m grad or disappointed that they didn’t wake me up at 3:00am to with them.
8- next, next, next: jr. counseling fun! Some which include how one of Tyler’s campers made underwear out of a leftover hairnet he had from kitchen duty. I’m glad I didn’t see that one. Ahh and then after the kiddies left, us counselors had fun throwing each other in the lake as well as riding a bike off the dock, which can be fun, scary, and painful all at the same time.
7-SONSHINE!! The best 3 days of summer (Sorry St. Louis County Fair, I stole three from you). Man, there’s nothing like being smack in the middle of a mosh pit that smells like stinky hay, being squished by ppl you’ve never met, and listening to Rock’n Roll in 80
° heat. Ahh, and also if you get close enough to the stage you just might be able to poke on the shoes of lead singers of bands such as the Wedding, like Tyler and me did. Tyler also got a chance to poke John Rueben, who then seeing he got poked, turned to my good friend and started rapping at him. Then when Johny boy told to the crowd to tell Kutless (the noisy band on main stage) to shut up, Tyler then latter yelled to him, “bye John Rueben! We’re going to see Kutless now!” And so we did, to most likely John’s disapproval.6-Just when you thought there was nothing else exciting that could of happened at Sonshine…BOOM we’re gonna hit ya with the free…er I mean exciting and no that doesn’t mean I’m giving out club 3
° shirts (inside joke). Annnnyway if you want to see how I possibly made the lead singer from Hawk Nelson mad, click the video bellow. Here’s the story before you watch it: ok I was in the middle of a huge dusty mosh pit and you know volleyballs are flying around everywhere, right? Ok so throughout the concert I was trying to throw a tiny little v-ball up towards the stage, and it’s light and tiny so harm right? Ok, so finally I see one on the dusty ground and I throw it. Apparently, and I didn’t realize it till after I threw it, but it was full of sand and sand filled v-balls go a lot farther and harder then air filled ones. So towards the middle of this video (right after he asks for a volunteer) when you faintly see a v-ball flying followed by the guy saying “if it hit my face I could might have been killed, who threw that?” yep it was me.
5-back to camp. Nate, James, and I had a very interest first and only break we had for those 3 days. I won’t say all the details but it involved the program office, a bunch of random costumes, and a rapping granny. What happens at Miracle Bible Camp stays at Miracle Bible Camp.
4-Back to Sonshine now, and one of my favorites of many random moments that happened was one our way to the bathroom at night, Tyler, James, and I were challenged by some ppl to out rap the “king”. After some hesitation some guys dressed in cow suits (complete w/ otters) walked by and the “king” rapped about them, then James tried his hand but couldn’t quite defeat him. Afterwards Tyler and James lifted me up and we had a three man crowd surf to an acoustic worship performance late at night w/ only 10 ppl sitting around in a patch of grass. Good times.
3-Best moment/concert at Sonshine, I thought was newsboys. Man, I really felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me at the concert; just saying “don’t worry, don’t worry”. Don’t worry about the future (God’s already there), don’t worry about my dreams coming true or not, or about social anxieties. God’s got control of my dreams, He’s got a plan and purpose for me, so don’t worry give Him control. It was a great moment of worship and Rock. Including one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen at a Rock concert which you will see if you click on the video bellow (and watch the WHOLE drum solo, trust me, what happens is sweet!)
2&1-Finaly camp again. It’s an amazing thing how God can use ppl with mumbling, tong tied, words to teach His word. And I can say, it’s nothing I did but, to see God working through camp, especially 5th-6th grade week, was sweet. To see some kids accept Christ for the first time, and to be with them to try to make commitments to live for Him was awesome. Even though they were crazily ADD and came up with the most random (and surprisingly, sometimes deep) questions, they were open with their weaknesses, and caught a passion to read and get into the Bible and memorize it. They tried to make changes that, even they admitted, were going to be almost impossible to keep, but maybe by God’s grace He helped them keep some. Yep, I’d say there’s nothing sweeter then seeing God’s Spirit move, especially through some kids who come from such broken families and messed up situations. Oh, when you feel God’s Spirit move, it’s unexplainable! There’s nothing else on the planet that matters, you find purpose and meaning, and there’s nothing more to desire, but in Jesus your satisfied.
And that’s my summer.
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Every time I read this, I feel like such a hypocrite, because I still struggle so much with being impersonal, and going outside of my comfort zone to reach out to others. But still it serves as a good reminder.
From October 10, 2007
Life goes by once right? Of course it does, so what are we going to do with it? An easy option is to live for ourselves in the moment, especially in today’s day and age. We’re so busy and have millions of responsibilities and things to worry about. Between studies, jobs, involvement in programs, and personal life; there are more than enough ways to keep us busy. In these busy moments, you may be at school, work, or someplace that seems to grab you like the currents of a mighty river, rushing you along helplessly through life. Everything feels like it’s going a hundred miles-per-hour, and you get caught in a blur of movements and sounds that are swirling all around you. Your attention is constantly being demanded, and you have no time to worry about others around you. Why should you?
Why should you worry about that loner who doesn‘t fit in, that emotional girl, or the guy who’s just struggling to stay afloat atop life’s busy currents just as much as you are? Won’t their weighty problems just drag you down more? Life’s suppose to be a survival of the fittest, right? Let the weak fend for themselves, right?
These thoughts can become your comfort zone and give a seemingly clear reason to be impersonal and not have to deal with other’s uncomfortable issues that you’re afraid to get into. Feelings that tell you “just get by” come so natural to you in the busyness of your life, but if you give in to them, you may surprisingly end up with a dark, cold, purposeless reality, as I found in a busy situation in my own life.
It was in the middle of a dry, cold Minnesota winter. I had just got my first real job at a local McDonalds. The restaurant was small, yet a very busy place during lunch time. Walking past the front counter and into the often hectic grill room where most employees worked was, at times, like walking into organized chaos. Like drone bees in a beehive, workers were franticly rushing to put together food while the aroma of cooking meat and the sounds of buzzers buzzing and food frying filled the entire grill room.
When I first started my training in the busy restaurant, they had me work on the grill. It was an easy job at first as all I did was just take frozen meat patties, slap them on the electric press grill, scoop the meat into a tray when it was done, and set it in a warming shelf across the room. While I was doing my work of cooking and scooping greasy, sizzling burgers, I usually liked to keep to myself in my own little, impersonal world at the grill. I really just wanted to get by; getting my work done well to get my shift over with. Then I could get paid and get on to other, more exciting things.
Over the course of time, I did start to get to know some of my fellow employees, despite my introverted personality. However, there was a worker who I hadn’t really paid much attention too. Her name was Chelsea. She was a teenager, about six-teen, with long black hair and a pretty face. She seemed rather shy, however, and mostly worked behind the busy, noisy grill area in the quieter back drive thru area.
Most days she just worked in that twenty foot area. She went back and forth between taking orders at the window, to washing and scrubbing dishes in the sink on the wall adjacent to the window, when there were no cars. She had a loneliness about her, as she never seemed to talk to anyone and didn’t have any real close friends there. Yet being my introverted self, I was too content working in my own little busy grill area. I was too busy to be worried or have second thoughts about the lonely girl who worked in the quietness just thirty feet beyond me. That was until the day it was too late.
That day started like any other work day. I went to the open walled crew room, just behind the back drive thru, to stand and wait for my upcoming shift to begin. There was another crew member standing there and asked if I had heard the news.
“What news?” I said.
“Chelsea committed suicide last night,” she unexpectedly told me. Then she continued saying, “When I heard the news I hoped they meant a different Chelsea, but it was our Chelsea.”
“Wow!” I said as the conversation went on about the speculation of what just happened, how she went home that night and shot herself twice. It took a while for the news to really sink into me. That a person, a human I actually came in contact with, could just be living and working right beside me at one moment and the next moment gone forever.
Now I really started to think about this girl, this shy girl, that ended up being so troubled, that I had let by my attention. Details of her life I hadn’t thought about, I was aware of now. She was a teen and worked day shifts during school days, which meant she was either home schooled or possibly a high school dropout who struggled in school. I wondered what she must have thought each day in her twenty foot world going from punching orders on the smooth, fingerprint filled computer screen to washing greasy dishes in a sink filled with hot soapy water. From there she would submerge the various dirty dishes, rinse them, and submerge them again in a different sink filled with sanitizer. Then, finally, she would take out the dishes and leave them to dry on a metal shelf next to the sink. She continued doing this again and again until another car came through the drive thru.
Cut off from the hectic grill room just in front of her, she must have had a lot of time to think with just her and her dishes. I wonder as she went through with the monotony of washing, rinsing, and drying dishes over and over again, if she wondered if that was all her one life would be. If her goal in life was just living for herself in the moment, her moment didn’t look so good, being stuck working in a busy, greasy, fast-food restaurant. I wonder as the water started soaking her hands and wrinkling her fingers if she thought of what her life would be like when she would be old and wrinkled. Maybe thinking about that, she saw her life the way it was now, in isolation and loneliness, and lost hope for any good for her future life. Then I started to wonder if things would have been different if somebody tried to break through that loneliness.
What if I had tried to reach out more to other people? What if I’d gotten past my comfort zone that told me to stand still? What if I had been more loving, kind, and friendly to my fellow employees, including her? What if I showed her a reason to have hope or to smile? What if I knew of a purpose beyond just dipping a brown plastic tray into sudsy water time and time again? What if I even just asked her a simple “how are you doing?” Would things have changed? Would she have thought twice before going home that night and putting the gun to her head and breathing her last lonely breaths. The answer is not known, and I have to live in regret of not knowing otherwise, and regret is the most difficult thing to soothe.
So before you go back to your own world of living for yourself, just to get by, and then dieing like everyone else, think about something new. You were meant to live for something more than the everyday, busy monotony, or just living a good life for yourself. There is a reason to live, a God who has a purpose and a hope that goes beyond this immediate life. A purpose not to be impersonal or too busy for others but to be loved and to love others. Maybe there’s time in a day you can take out to just be friends to a person who seems lonely and friendless, or to give food, or clothing to those who are in need. Possibly, it could be to take care of the sick, weak, or elderly; or even just going out of your way to say, “hello”, to someone, letting them know you care.
Whatever it is, just realize that life is short. You are not guaranteed another day or even the next breath to be able to show those actions of love to the people around you. Sometimes it takes a death to realize that. Death helps you to see that it’s only through God’s grace and a selfless love that you can begin to hope to change a life, and bring to it a joy and happiness that your comfortable isolation cannot provide. So, you have one life; what are you going to do with it?
Samuel Erickson
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This is a story... of lovely blog... who was raising up three very lovely girls... 