Why buying ice cream can be hard…

| jesstoletyouknow

I get a little more anxious than most, shall we say, when carrying out some everyday tasks, and it can make something as supposedly simple as going to buy some ice cream really difficult. Whiiiich is what just happened.

i won’t go into the details because = dull but what I struggle with is thoughts that others are trying to hurt me and/or something will hurt me, in this case it was a drain that caused the source of my woe, I was scared of it blowing up. I can laugh at this now I’m in the comfort of my home but at the time I felt petrified, and for no good reason. I’ve found ways to deal with it over time but I’m still sat in my room having to think about my breathing because my chest is so tight. The frustrating thing is I always know exactly what triggers my episodes and having no way to stop them can build anxiety before the trigger’s even been experienced. It’s like knowing all the answers to an exam but having no pen to answer it, I have no coping mechanisms that seem to work very well.

I don’t really know what the purpose of this post was, I was going to start it as an advice thing for how to cope but realised maybe I wasn’t best qualified to answer that question, so I guess I’m asking for advice? Or maybe someone who can relate? Idk thanks for reading this far… anyone 🙂

Jess x

50 Shades of Grey – abuse?

| jesstoletyouknow

I’m back and ready to comment on one of the most talked about films of 2015… 50 Shades of Grey!!

DISCLAIMER – all views are my own yidda yadda and I don’t think either argument of what I’m about to talk about is right or wrong – just take it with a pinch of salt is what I can say (will make sense after reading this!) Feel free to leave your own opinions and views in the comments 🙂 

Now I’ve seen numerous posts by people suggesting that the book/film/franchise 50 Shades of Grey is depicting abuse and covering it with romance. I haven’t seen the film yet or read the books, but I think that like with most films or books, it has to be taken with a pinch of salt.

If the franchise does portray abuse and suggests this as a positive thing, then obviously that’s wrong, but I’ve never seen a film which tells you that something’s abusive by captioning it on the screen – it’s usually for the viewer to decide for themselves. Again, I know I haven’t seen it but this is pre-film viewing opinions so bear with. The issue many people have is that the “abuse” (inverted commas due to different opinions) is suggesting to viewers that this is how relationships should be and therefore they should carry out such relationships in the future etc. I may be wrong, but when I watch films that objectify men I don’t apply this to my own life, I am able to identify it and proceed watching the film for what it is – a fictional piece of entertainment. Many films depict gross sexism for both sexes (Magic Mike, In Time etc.) but a lot of people who watch them are able to identify it or at least realise that that’s not how the real world works.

I know this doesn’t apply to everybody, and there have been countless studies that suggest the media is very influential in how you learn behaviour but as a psychology student, this principle of Social Learning Theory (I’ve found) is mainly applicable in fairly young children. They are the most easily influenced due to the nature of brain development, which is why films, games and TV programmes have age ratings. This brings me back on to 50 Shades, which in the UK has an age rating of 18.

The majority (note, not ALL) of 18 year olds are able to distinguish acting and the way something is portrayed in a film from how you should act or apply these things in real life. There may be some people who see this film and begin to make assumptions on how they should run their relationships, but I doubt many people would actually force someone to do something they are sexually uncomfortable doing or emotionally abuse them purely because of the film, there would be some pre-disposition or existing psychological reason because quite simply – 2 hours of a film can’t do that.

As I say I haven’t seen the film and this is just my own opinion, I don’t agree that the film is squeaky clean of abuse or full to the brim of it, what I do know is that many films depict, insinuate and suggest nasty actions and messages, but a lot, dare I say most, people do have an ability to filter it out and get on with their lives taking it with a pinch of salt.

On a lighter note, I like that the franchise is helping to make sex, and different sorts of sex less taboo, because although we shouldn’t judge what other people do in the bedroom, it’s sure okay to talk about it once in a while!

Thanks for reading,

Jess x

How I deal with my public anxiety and paranoia

| jesstoletyouknow

I’ve been having varying levels of paranoid thoughts and anxiety when outside of the house for as long as I can remember. Lately (with the help of others) I feel I’ve developed some ways that help me feel better when I’m feeling particularly paranoid or anxious about being outside the house, so I thought I’d consolidate them all on here to maybe help some other people and to remind myself when I maybe forget!

1. Talk and rationalise

For me most of my anxiety is to do with myself getting hurt, either by something like a train crash or another person, and for this reason I’m incredibly suspicious of strangers. This can be difficult to overcome, but if you’re with someone you trust e.g. a close friend, family member, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. it often helps to vocalise exactly what you’re feeling, because not only will telling someone relieve a bit of the pressure of you bottling it up but they may be able to help you rationalise what you’re thinking.

For instance if you’re on a train and worried about someone with a bomb, they may remind you that no-one’s blown up a train in the UK since 2007 and it’s unlikely at a time when it’s not rush hour.

That was a very blunt example, but it can be a lot easier to believe someone else than yourself sometimes. Most paranoid anxiety is caused by a lack of ability to rationalise the situation, and asking someone else to do this can really help.

2. Rationalise if you’re alone

Unfortunately some of the time you’re likely to be alone or with someone you don’t feel comfortable talking about such issues with, which is fine!

When I’m in such a situation I tend to write things down in a notebook, with the situation, how worried I’m feeling (out of 10) and any rational thoughts I can remember underneath. This creates a sort of pressure to think of something rational to write down and does help relieve some of that pressure if you can’t talk to anyone in that moment.

If you don’t feel comfortable writing this in public, you can always jot it down on your phone to appear less suspicious and copy it into a notepad later, although rarely does anyone look at me writing in my notebook or question what I’m writing, which is a great relief!

3. Call someone/get yourself out of the situation/time out

I reserve this as a last resort but remember you don’t have to stay put in a situation if you feel uncomfortable, if you’re on a train  you can move carriages, in a coffee shop you can move seats, and it’s okay to have a “toilet break” at school or work to calm yourself down a little bit, if a situation is making you uncomfortable or if you’re worried you may have a panic attack. it may also be useful to call/text someone if it’s a situation you can’t get out of or would be difficult to leave, they may be able to help to find a solution or try and calm you down.

i hope this post helped some of you, these are just some ways that help me, even if they don’t take away my anxiety completely, they do often help. Feel free to ask me any questions or post any more ideas below – thanks for reading!!

Jess x

Online pressure…

| jesstoletyouknow

It’s come to my attention recently that many YouTubers (two in particular) are coming under major scrutiny from their viewers about their content, regularity of uploads or other issues that viewers apparently find. It seems that many viewers are nit picking with certain vlogger’s videos and lives, and I really don’t think it’s fair.

I’m particularly talking about Zoella (Zoe Sugg) in this case, who today tweeted this:

Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 19.52.10

I just worry that the pressure these people are under no longer makes their videos enjoyable for them. Yes it’s their career but at the end of the day most people don’t have a global audience for their career, these people do. Zoe in particular faces a lot of criticism due to her huge success. I just hope people stop hiding behind their screens and criticising people’s every move, unnecessary and unkind.

Just a quick thought.

Jess x

It won’t matter in 5 years

| jesstoletyouknow

This is the one thing that is helping me through the stress I’m experiencing at the moment. In 5 years this feeling just probably won’t matter.

The exam I have on Monday will be done and dusted, and whether it’s good or bad will be irrelevant. Just this thought is starting to help me through things I find difficult and maybe it’ll help someone else too – thought I’d share.

Misconceptions

| jesstoletyouknow

I was lucky enough to be able to meet some Mormons on Saturday, as my boyfriend’s drama piece is about religion and he was keen to find out more about a religion people seem to have many strange (and wrong) ideas about.

The two men we met up with were on their mission, one from up north and one from Iceland (I think…) and they were both some of the loveliest people I’ve spoken to. Throughout our interview they explained various Mormon beliefs and I found it so refreshing to hear about their concept of heaven. They believe that there are three layers of heaven and a place for everyone, something which is vastly different to what I’ve heard from some branches of christianity. As an atheist/agnostic/whatever you want to call it, I’ve always found that whenever I’ve been approached by preachers it’s felt threatening, and I don’t appreciate being told I’ll burn in hellfire because I don’t believe. What the Mormons appeared to project was that as long as you’re a good person, there is a place in the highest layer of heaven for you, regardless of whether you believe in God or not. It was a distinct change from most religious conversations I’ve had where I’ve left feeling like a bad person and almost scared of religion, which never made me want to convert.

Also, the idea that Mormons have multiple wives is untrue, at least from the Book of Mormon I was given, which raises the question: where did this belief even come from? Maybe some branches of mormonism misinterpreted it or believe it’s acceptable, but generally I don’t think it’s practiced.

Overall I think they’re a misunderstood and overlooked branch of christianity, but I found their beliefs truly enlightening, it’s a shame more people don’t attempt to understand them.

The feeling that comes from finishing a book…

| jesstoletyouknow

Sadly I don’t get to read fiction as much as I would like due to being so busy, which is such a rubbish excuse I know, but I feel great after reading We Were Liars by E.Lockhart recently, so I thought I’d do a little review.

I was recommended this book by a friend after it being passed round my entire group of friends, so I was keen to give it a go. The only thing I would say is it is perhaps a little young for me, I feel like it’s aimed at 16 year olds maximum, but if you read it at an older age it certainly wouldn’t be lost on you as the effect was still very profound for me when I read it.

It centres around an accident that happened to a girl named Cadence on her affluent family’s island, and you basically find out the circumstances of the accident as you read the book, it’s a bit mystery machine I know, but bear with me, because I promise nothing prepares you for the plot twist.

I’m  fan of a plot twist, however gut-wrenching and unexpected they may be and wowee, this one. I’m keeping this review quite concise because I think the book speaks for itself, but honestly I would recommend it. Even if you’re much older – a quick but powerful read.

How strict do schools need to be?

| jesstoletyouknow

I attend what I would call a strict school, and while the results are good, I must say that the stress placed on pupils to both achieve and behave perfectly is very high, which isn’t always, I believe, what is necessarily best for the pupils. I’d heard tales of a famed boarding school in Sussex where children were not forced to attend lessons and play, freedom and equality between pupils and teachers was encouraged.

This infamous establishment is Summerhill school, which on its website writes:

“If society were to treat any other group of people the way it treats its children, it would be considered a violation of human rights.”

Which I think is really interesting, because in some situations children very much are treated as second-class citizens. The famous phrase “children should be seen and not heard” would constitute a criminal offence if applied to any other group. I’m not saying school should be abolished or anything ridiculous, but I think society’s perception that young people will create such huge problems if not strictly supervised has to stop.

I read the OFSTED report (which is the board that assesses all UK schools) and the behaviour of the pupils at Summerhill was rated excellent, the same as my school, which is extremely regimented and run with almost military precision. Which makes me pose the question do schools need to be as strict as they are? Sometimes the reason teenagers play up is because they want to rebel, and allowing teenagers more freedom and trusting them more would prevent this.

As well as this, I’m a firm believer that uniform is not really necessary for schools anymore. To me it seems an outdated concept and wearing an uncomfortable (and expensive) blazer won’t make you perform better in an exam. If school pride is necessary, surely a hoodie, polo shirt or badge would suffice?

I’m torn as to whether Summerhill is a groundbreaking concept that should be applied everywhere, or just a niche market for hippy affluent children, but I’m sure some of its concepts and ideas could be applied to mainstream schooling, who knows?

The Summerhill website: