Yesterday's post updated.

I took a girl friend - between us we have at LEAST 5 black belts. We were more worried about what we'd find and not find than of what this kindly soul would do to us. My neighbour is a cop - he had the address and phone number of the family we were going to see, just in case.
95% of what I was upset at loosing is there and a bit more of other stuff. My grandma's hoop is there, her scissors, my scissors that I got on my 14th Christmas is there,,,my aunt' scissors and the ornament that she made me just before she died is gone as is almost all the completed works ( about 2 dozen or so ornaments) and 3 containers of flosses and threads. A good amount of the patrtially finished ornies are here- most of my patterns ( except the Leisure arts one and a hard cover book). Even my change purse filled with splenda is there...I am amazed, at the fact that this man who was also stolen from took the time to track down, several folks...to return stuff. Amazing.
Thanks for all the concern and support. It means a lot.

Stunned Speechless, but in a good way

while ago,my car was broken into. I asked everyone I knew to say a prayer for the return of my stuff.

I am going to ask that if you're the praying type, say another prayer please...I just got a call about the possibility of getting my stuff - or at least some of it back.
some guy tracked me down through one of those shoppers club cards, gave them HIS number and the called me, I called him he told me that his car had been stolen and was used to store all the stuff the person who stile his car jacked from other cars.

I go tomorrow at 7:30 to find what I get back

I tossed the fiddle.

It's in the trash. I give up. I told the SUB that I can't do rhythm, she decided to force it. And try the one and two and ...crap again> I told her. No three times, I told her it does not translate that it makes no sense that Vicki tried it, and she still pushed it. I told her to tell me what part of a second she wants the eighth notes and I'd figure it out, I told her that rhythm is my down fall and to work on technique and that the rhythm thing would come eventually.
And she pushed it.

Lessons started at 5pm - I was HOME by 5:10 pm after telling her that if this is what she wanted to do I would be better off without a lesson she said "Okay" and I walked out.
My violin is in the trash and I feel like I belong there with it.
Why do dreams die so hard? Why does this have to hurt so much.

Magic Lantern Show...Living History and Magic Mystery Tour Combined

I went tonight to a magic lantern show. It's a form of entertainment that predates tv by some 350 years, and is the precursor to movies. and tv. This one was the Victorian Christmas Show. I've also seen the Halloween Show. The lantern works on the same principals as a slide projector and old film projectors..the originals used lighted gas, 'modern" ones use lights. And the magic - the sounds- come from the audience in the form of singing, instruments, sound effects and such. It's fun. True fun for all ages.
My 2 year old niece loves it and tonight we had 90 year olds having a grand old time. If you want to truly experience a part of living history...pack up the car and head out and see them. It's fantastic.
I am already plotting to go again -even if it means a road trip.

Two Anniversaries Today, neither cause for celebration

In Chronological order for anyone who asks.


Dateline December 6th, 1917, Place Halifax Habour - Halifax Nova Scotia.
WWI is in full swing, And Halifax being an Atlantic port was in the "middle' of it all, It's a beautiful December Morn when the unthinkable happens Tow ships got their signal crossed and their intentions misread - the Mount Blanc and the Imo. Before that day ended more than 1,000 perished and 1,000 more would die later of their injuries. THe city of Halifax lay in ruins. The Blast heard clear to Cape Breton about 225 miles away.
You can find out more here...http://www.cbc.ca/halifaxexplosion/index.html


the second sad anniversary is the Montreal Massacre. Where in 14 women were line up against a Blackboard and shot at Montreal's Ecole Polytechnique - after the shooter let all the male students in that classroom go. Find out more here:
http://archives.cbc.ca/IDD-1-70-398/disasters_tragedies/montreal_massacre/


Scary shit - time we took the time to remember all the victims of violence whether from war or from Other sources it's time we grew out of violence. Against women, Against men, against each other,

Probably not what the 16 Days organizers want....sorry

On one of my favourite blogs,
Fetch Me My Axe, has a post about an online protest against Violence against women. For 16 days people all over the "blogosphere" are writing about Violence against women and how to end it/ help it's victims,ect. All well and good - I've been thinking about it for days in terms of my life, how I act and how others act towards me.
Oh, I have had my share of violence, I spent years being sexually abused by male relatives, I was raped by a therapist,and I've had my "share" of beatings.But you know when I think of the things that have been the most soul rending, it's the words that I recall. Words that no longer have any meaning for me. Call me a slut? I'll likely laugh. I lable myself a bitch, and other words, well, who cares what someone who would use them thinks - at least at this point.
But lately I've been seeing women being labled with these words -and worse - because they don't fall in line with the attitudes and life choices of others. It occured to me that it's really always been this way. I can recall being called a "slut" because I wouldn't date a guy, other girls were called that for having too many boyfriends - same with whore...you could act either way and still be called that so basically the word means "Woman who doesn't act the way the speaker wants her too." Fine and dandy. It also says way more about the speaker's state of mind than it does about the person being called that.
Same with Bitch or Cunt - really. Fastest way I have found to be called either is to stand up for myself and refuse to do behave as told. And let me tell you when you make life out of not dating, not having sex and not having children - you find yourself not behaving astold" an awful lot.
But there's other words too, "Breeder" "Child-hater" "Selfish" - for either having or not having kids, and so on.
Words we use to Slash and burn, causing wounds that last far longer than the bruises or broken bones coming from the violence that often accompanies them. Maybe it's time to stop worrying about how to end violence and time to start worrying about how we can change the words and atittudes that start it.
Violence ain't going away until we change the atittudes that cause us to lable those who make different choices for our bodies, or jobs, and our lives. First thing we all need to get over is ourselves.

I give up

It seems like hte internet has gone to hell lately. In a hand basket. 3 of the sites I post on have turned crazy. And me along with them.
On one we have a long time poster ranting about Americans who go to other countries and don't like it there - so htey vent on THEIR OWN BLOGS. Ya know what? On that SAME BOARD we have had philipinos who have moved to the US, rant about how things are sooooooo different from her country and that we'd do better to be more like that country. No American ( or anyone else) whine about it. We've had follks from India do the same thing. And no one said boo. Yet when a Yank is living somewhere they can't post, again ON THEIR ON DAMN BLOG with out someone going to a third party board and whining about it. And a goodly portion of the regulars I recognized backed this person about how evil Yanks are.
OK- you don't klike what someone is sayingon their own damn blog - stay hte fuck off it and DON'T READ IT! It's just that simple. Really.

On a second board we have a person who is a religious nutcase back - she's posted in the past about how the Holocast never happened. How Gays, Lesbians, ect need to be "reforned", don't deseve rights, How the disabled should not be treated and just left to die. How the Dali Lama has less "value" in GOd's eye than a Mass Murderer...and how Buddhists and all who don't beleive in HER version of God are going to hell. In short she's a hate monger sanctioned by her church. Great, and the rest of theposters are supposed to be tolerant - OF HER. ( what about HER being expected to be tolerant of others?)

On a third board - we have a poster activiely trying to cuase hurt, start board wars and the like. 95% of her are calculated to be hurtful and caause controversy. She's supposedly on Moderation where by the mods read her posts before allowing them through. OVer the weekend she posted about THe Childfree movement and basically proposed Eugenics with a twist. In her view parents should be licensed to have the "right" to have kids. And she posted a board and two blogs for folks to read at. The problem is that the two blogs are so "out there" even the most militant CF rant boards are up in arms over them and the board is specifically designed for folks with out kids - their rules say parents not allowed or some such! And the aadmins on this board "allowed" this? great.

THe parents on the third board are already bitching _ Well screw it I bitched back. they don't want a tread for the childfree on that board because "it's discriminatory" Yet it's ok to have three thread on parenting - nope those are not discriminatory to those without kids, not at all. Riiiight. I called 'em on their own fucking hypocracy.
Repeatedly.

Oh I called the OP on her crap too. but this comes up regualarly about how parents are discriminated against on that board when the whole fucking cahrectar of the damn board has changed to cater to parents and their kids. because we all know a band board is JUST the place for kiddums to be on the net and no one should ever express an opinion strongly or say anything that might upset the Children. Yeah, it's no goddamned wonder that the CF'ers on that board are getting sick of it. I know I am sick of the fucking internet.


I've turned comments off here. Just so you know.

Computer woes

Mine appears to be toast. IT won't boot, it won't repair and I can't install a damn thing. Sigh.
I may have to buy a new one. I am not sure when I'll be back on line with regularity.
Sigh.

Back to the Future?

I just applied online for College - just the local community college, but it's a start.
Not even sure what I want to be but I know I don't want to do office, retail or home care again - ever.
I am kind of scared to think about it - I have to work out how to pay for it and that's a MAJOR issue. I am not sure if there are scholarships for it but I do know I have to do something. I am going to clear off credit cards if it kills me. and then work it out.
I won't give up on violin but maybe the school has a course in it that I can take for credit ;). yeah -right with MY sense of rhythm I'd never pass.
Anyhow I applied to ECC and I am thinking of trying Buff State to see if I get better results with getting credit for old course work and go from there.

* worried *

To The Zoo!

I went to the zoo with Trish today...it was going to be just going in and out ( yeah, right) to the boutique there to use up some zoo bucks coupons that would expire at year's end.

Well, Trish wanted to see the Sea Lions and I wanted to see the Giraffes and we wandered a bit and saw all the babes we saw this summer. They are so grown up now. Gorgeous. It was almost deserted and we had a blast. I want to go again when Colin ( her 5 year old ) and I get boots. My shoes have holes in them because I hate shopping for them -so that may be awhile.
In the mean time my feet are *still* cold.

Name five musical things you're thankful for. Another Meme

I really like this one, I've never seen the "Home Blog" for this before...but I'll go with anything that lets me spout off about the musical things ( read People mostly) that I give daily thanks for. Be prepared for this to be long.

1)The Barra MacNeils. Taken together or as individuals these are wonderful people. Worth admiring and loving for so many reasons. From Oldest to youngest

Sheumas - It took me years to talk to him, literally years. He looks sooooooo intimidating on stage- and off, he's a complete gentleman. Enough of one to leave me be til I felt comfortable talking to him, even tho' it bothered him that I was afraid of him. In the past few years, he and I have learned to trust each other and I can see that he is pleased that I am willing to get closer to him.

Kyle, the master fiddler, my inspiration for keeping going with fiddle and the person I dream about playing with...and he fosters this. They all do,,,,but his reaction this summer when I gave him the card with the note telling me how much his music means to me, made me feel so good...he's wonderful, I don't get his sense of humour but I love him for not laughing at me for holding the dream of playing with him.


Lucy...Let's just say she's the only girl I ever wanted to be like. Strong, feminine and loving...she makes me feel welcome no matter what's going on in her life, and being away from home has to make for some hardtimes. She's special, I hope she knows it.

Stewart...to me he hung the moon and set the stars in the sky and that has nothing to do with a romantic crush or whatever you want to imagine. It has to do with how he makes me feel. Like I can be myself around him, and he won't mock or make fun of me. He can talk to me about things that matter to me - things that matter as much to me as music does to him, and not have to worry about him making me feel dumb, or that he feels that those things are stupid or denigrating or... he makes me feel like I matter, like I am safe, like it's ok to be me. I don't feel that often, but he manages it. Even when he's giggling his butt off at my total lack of a sense of rhythm. He can tease with out making fun of someone. ( one has a sense of fun, the other has a sense of malice about it. Stewart doesn't do it with malice.) Amazing in my eyes

Ryan,,,,Ryan is the one I know the least. But if he's half the person his siblings are, he's going to be another treasure. I've only actually had one "conversation" with him...it's going to be awhile before I can say anything real about him.


Boyd - For as young as he is, he's special. He seems to know folks, it's like he can sense what makes folks nervous and can find away around it. He likes people and it shows. He's gentle and kind and willing to talk and help and make things seem better. This summer before I told Kyle about my studying violin, I was talking to Boyd about it and made the comment that I missed the Cape Breton style of teaching...Boyd made a comment that I am sure that he's forgotten, but I'll remember for a long time. He told me that HE had a hard time with Classical Lessons, too. It made me feel less stupid, like I had company in my frustrations and I've remembered that so many times when struggling. Like if he got through it, got where he is maybe there's hope for me too. I hope he understands that his kindness is appreciated.


2)Mac Morin. Because he's Mac and is beyond description. He's made such a difference this year. I wish he could know.



3) Trish...who listens to me whine about lessons, who encourages me, who explains to me and who "translates" for me with the Barras. ( Look she's too shy to tell you but....") I don't have words for her either,except that it's my great good fortune to know her. She's the sister I always wished I had.


4) Sons Of Maxwell: I love them as people as well as Musicians.

Dave - one of his songs made me think about how men view women - so much gentleness and tenderness there...and so different than what I am used to. Good man, caring.

Don - again took me a long time to warm up to but I think about him daily and well there's no words for him..I wish I had a sense of rhythm- I'd love to play bodhran like him, his sense of fun comes through when he plays. There's a bit of devilment in him and in his playing and it makes the world a more laughter filled place because of him.


5) Great Big Sea: their music is just plain fun. enough said.

Handcrafters Holidays: A crafters meme

. Answer the questions in a post on your blog. Answer them all or only a few. Add photos and links where relevant.

Gifts

* Do you have a favorite gift that you love to give? Hand made Cross stitched cards. If you go down into "My Favourites" and find "So I told him.....sort of." There's a picture one...I've been doing them for a few years and each year the angels are different.
* If you’re making gifts this year, what are you making? (Post photos if you have some!) 91 cross stitched ornaments for some friends and the angel cards)
* Do you have any good stories about handcrafted gifts you’ve given or received? I still have and treasure the hand made doll that my mother's mother made for me - 30 odd years ago.)
* Do you have any great gift compilation ideas (a grouping of gifts just perfect for certain recipients?) No.
* Name one thing on your personal wish list. Honestly? A Sense of Rhythm, but that's impossible for anyone to give me.
* Do you make and sell things that would make fantastic gifts? (Link)Nope.

Traditions

* What is your favorite family holiday tradition? Oplateki - The Polish Christmas Wafer.
* Have you started any new traditions with your family that you didn’t practice growing up? No.
* What do you love most about the holiday season? Lights.
* What do you like least about the holiday season? Crowds.
* Anyone close to your heart that you’ll be missing this year? Yes,
* What is your favorite holiday food? Home Made Mushroom soup.
* Do you have a great recipe to share? I don't share recipes,because I rarely cook by recipe, Sorry.

I am my Daddy's Daughter in someways.

Which soldier type are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Engineer Military Engineer. Your job is usually overlooked, but without you nothing gets done. While you sometimes get annoyed at this, and and you know the only time people come to you is when there's something wrong: You understand that you are the heart and soul of any organization with honesty and nice work ethic to boot. Hard working, intelligent, "I need more Duct Tape!!!" Engineer 100% Combat Infantry/Armor 100% Artillery/Aircraft 100% Special Ops 94% Support Gunner 94% Medic 81% Officer 75% Civilian 0%

I am my daddy's daughter in some ways. Let me explain. I snagged this from Belinda and the results are scary. Daddy was Army. In Korea. He had the Medals to prove it...and he got his start as a Manufacturing Engineer because of his time in the service. He built things, there. Bridge need? Yes, sir..Dad would get it done. Pool needed cleaning And fixing, Dad did it with his buddies...better than ever. And from his stories of that episode it would have been a disaster.
Dad came back went to work Back at Aro and American Standard and Back to Aro and to Scott's and back to Aro where he retired from...I think he liked Aro ;) he worked on all sorts of stuff from Masks for Firefighters to things for NASA. Fascinating stuff and the stuff of my childhood memories.
So in this quiz I come out as Part Combat Infantry/Armor And Part Engineer. Yeah,,,Dad would get a kick out of it. I know I did. in Some ways Like Father Like Daughter.

In Flanders Fields

In Flander's Field
by John McCrae
In Flanders Fields the poppies blow,
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky,
The larks, still bravely singing, fly,
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the dead.
Short days ago,
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved and now we lie,
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you, from failing hands, we throw,
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us, who die,
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow,
In Flanders Fields.


The above was written by a Canadian Dr, serving in WWI it's become the symbol for the atrocity of war..and Poppies the symbol of Veteran's Day/Remembrance Day all over the world. IT brings tears to my eyes everytime I read it.
It's sad that none of the kids I know have ever hear it, They no longer read it, or hear the story of it's writer. The sacarfices of Heros past and present are lost to them...but they grow up thinking people like Michael Jordan and Snoop Doggy Dog are "Heros". Yeah sure. Nothing against either but Hero doesn't cut it.
A Hero is the man who take a stand and lets his buddies escape often at the expense of his own life. A Hero is the woman who gives up her life at home and goes to tend the wounded as Many did in wars past..or these days you might find woman on the battle field too...also letting her buddies escape. There are heros who go to sea and rescue others, for storm tossed sea or from a ship that's disabled by war or failing parts....There are heros who train these others to be the best - who give them the skills to stay alive, the courage to keep going, the supplies to stay alive,,,,then there are heros that treat the fallen and their families, who tend the wounded, who make the broken as whole as possible.
They are the heros, today and always.

Veteran's Day/Rememberance Day/ Armastice Day.

They are one in the same and "Forgotten Holiday". It so said that these men and woman who fought, died or for and live with the lasting memories that war brings are forgotten in the memories of the very people they fought for. How horrible it must be to have sacrificed that much and not even have that remembered. To be treated, often times as, burdens rather than heroes.
Do you realize that with out them so much of what we treasure about our lives would be gone? Freedom, safety, peace. They secured it - at their expense and don't think those that came home didn't pay a heavy price,too. And so many of us don't even take a minute or two, even on this day to say "thanks" or to spare a thought or a prayer for them. Muchless to mark the day.
When I was a kid there were ceremonies and parades and popies were worn by everyone, how sad that it's not that way anymore.
If you're a Vet today, and always, please accept my thanks and prayers for your safety, health and peace....and if your not would it be so damn hard to express a little gratitude to those who did what you wouldn't/couldn't?




More to come later, if I can actually put my feelings into words.

And the last of the Trio of Shows.

I can't say enough about this show, Everything was wonderful. Yes, with a capital E. The Rose Theatre was grand. The staff from the crew at the Box Office who told us where to get food, where to park, what to see in town, to the security folks who let us in early to use their facilities to the volunteer ushers, to the House Manager to Colin who reseated us and a couple of Elderly folks and who helped the woman down the stairs.
I can't say enough about the theatre itself either, absolutely gorgeous. It's warm, rich and inviting. With what looked like red sandstone side panels, marble lights and accents and rose wood woodwork and copper trims. Fantastic. I'd love to go again.
The Barra's were fantastic - as usual. Absolutely Wonderful. The melodies, the harmonies, they love they put into them, they are just amazing. I wish I could have gotten the set list. And done a real review.
We did talk to them after the show. Trish told Lucy that I was having an allergic reaction Friday, and she was upset we had not told her sooner - why? what was SHE to do? Worry? Not like even she could have gotten me to a hospital or anything. But at least she knows that my not coming to talk was not meant to slight her. This is a good thing, I think.
And Trish also told Ryan, Boyd and Stewart that I am a Buddhist monk and that the robes I wore to the Halloween show were worn by right. She said Ryan's jaw just dropped, Boyd smirked, and Stewart gave her a raised eyebrow and that from the looks of Boyd he probably said something to Ryan about his reaction to me in them on Wednesday. If he did, I love him for it. She seems to think that Stewart and Boyd at least are more than OK with it. And that the rest of the Barra's will know by night's end. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall in THAT dressing last night. or on the bus, it would have made for interesting conversation.
I'll find out if they had a problem with it at the next show I go to, I guess.
I do love those folks tho.

Another Show...

I went to another Barra's show Friday,,they are truely amazing. No, I didn't even try to talk to them. Really, I was lucky to just be breathing. I had an allergic reaction so bad that total strangers were asking if I needed an epipen. By the time the show started Trish had had to remind me to breathe and she said during the show I was "really having a hard time" afterwards I just did not feel like Chatting with *anyone*.
I missed talking to them, but really, I don't think they would have wanted me passing out at their feet.
I have tickets to another show tonight. Not sure how I feel about talking to htem tonight. We'll see. But I doubt it, unless they start with me. It could happen.
I love watching Kyle Play. He makes it look so easy. And it's soooo hard for me right now. I still dream of playing with him, I wonder if that could happen too. Who knows at this point.

"We knew you were coming so we had to change the show"

SO I went to the Barra's Show last night. Lucy was, as always a darling, Stewart and I just can't seem to get past "Hi"...I love the man to death, I think he hung the moon and set the starts in the Sky, But I can't talk to him to save my life. He's wonderful, He never makes fun of me, he can actually talk about crafts and ask INTELLIGENT questions about them, with out mocking. Without even making me feel like I am being mocked. Gotta love a man like that, really. I *really* wish I could talk to him, tho. I used to be able to but lately...No luck and he does not have anymore "luck" talking to me either. Totally Sucks.
Ryan would not look at me at all. Period, end of discussion, would not make eye contact at all. He took one look at me in my Buddhist Monk's Robes ( Hey, I earned 'em when I took vows as a Buddhist Monk - I suppose I can wear 'em when I want) He saw me, looked shook his head and refused to look at me the rest of the night.
And then I got to Kyle and He took one look at me and said "We knew you were coming and changed the entire show." My heart fell. I am not sure if he were joking, having a bad night himself or if he was trying to tell me as kindly as possible that I have been to too many shows and they're sick of seeing me. Sigh.
He's not a nasty man. He would never be hurtful if he could find another way to say something. I trust him that far. Which - for me - is saying SOMETHING. A *big* something.
I have tickets to a couple of shows this week yet, and now I am dreading them rather than looking forward to them.
Sigh.

Blog Action Day Post: Environment

A single post about the environment? Great. I signed up for this because it's something I care about, but the subject is too big for one post. Think about it, think about how many ways that word is batted about, and think about the many ways the "environment" affects you. Indoor, Outdoor, work, home, physical, emotional, the area all environments and they all interact and they all affect us in different ways.
The organizers of this worldwide event want us to talk about the "Environment" the outdoors, nature and it's relationship to us and ours to it, type of environment. OK, I am game. But still too many issues, and it's all falling apart, really. We're killing it and ourselves. Maybe because we're too far removed from it. Think about it. In my generation, in my living memory I could see sheep from the farm down the road from my front yard. I not only know what they looked like, but what they smelled like, sounded like, felt like. We petted and fed them and we knew when we had lamb for dinner it was likely from those same sheep. It was part of life and no one got too upset over it. We had bunnies and ducks and rabbits in the back yard, pets? sure, til we NEEDED to eat them. and Aunt Izzy hunts, so did most of the cousins, it was and remains a fact of life in my generation.
BUT in my nephew's generation where there were once sheep farms, there are now homes and I can't recall the last time I saw livestock in this town that was once so rural that *I* remember wooden sidewalks downtown ( and I am only 46 this month) and cows and sheep were common place, so were horses. With the loss of the local farms the character of the village has changed. There's more people for one, and folks don't care what they do to each other, it seems. We used to leave the doors open, always, even when we were on vacation - away. No one did anything. Because it was a "town" of less than 1,000 and we all not only knew each other - but watched out for each other. We picked produce on those local farms, Strawberries, apples, cherries, if they needed help with the harvest we all pitched in. Our "pay" was an all you can eat smorgsboard of fresh goodness while we worked, sore muscles and a good feeling. But our neighbors helped us just as we helped them that the environment we had. It stemmed and grew from the outside in...the land fostered us, nourished us both physically and in other ways. And we knew it. I knew where I could get the *best* and most plentiful wild berries and where the fox with the babies lived...we knew where 'possum was holed up and where the bears and deer ranged.
Now we tranquilize the bears and move them and a town near here has a "bait and shoot" program for deer. We've lost the connection to our environment and it's changed the character of the town. We don't care as much anymore...and we don't expect the neighbours to watch out for us or us for them anymore. I got yelled at last winter because I "trespassed" on a neighbours property. I had tried to tell him that his lights were on in his car. Apparently that's now a major sin. I'd hate to think what would happen in a "real" emergency.
Environment, Outside and in. They are connected in our minds and hearts.
And another thing...when we knew the farmer raising our food,,,,when we had gardens and helped harvest and care for both, the land and the animals were treated better, and tasted better and did less damage to people and place. And as kids we were less sick, less picky and less fat...we were safe in those communities that we helped build. We watched out for our neighbours and we watched out for by them. Environment. Community.
Community another word we hear little about these days...it's online community this and community of that, but our real communities, the ones we live in daily have ceased to be communities, they are ever more often groups of people who don't even know each other's names or who's kid belongs to whom. And that started with the loss of environment and connection to that environment.
We're destroying our environments with our way of "life" and we're destroying ourselves too. When we loose our Environment, our neighbourhood, our community, we loose ourselves.
Too bad we don't really see it.

" The Gobble -uns 'll git you ef you don't Watch OUT!"

It's a line from a very old poem. One they don't teach or really read very much any more, probably because it's Moralistic. But my grandma could recite it from memory, I used to love it as it kid. Her voice was so great for it. It's called "Little Orphan Annie" by James Whitcomb Riley and I heard some one read it last night as part of a magic lantern show at the albrightknox . It was a Fantastic show and I urge you to see it if at all possible. You can find out about it here .
It was fun and fascinating and a good time was had by all, even the littlest of the littles. In fact I think the little kids had more fun than the college aged kids. Moira giggled her way through the show, the little girl behind me was enthralled and the two littles down from me had looks of total awe on their faces.
Go and fast, it's something that everyone can participate in and enjoy.

The New Jersy 4

I have a hard time fathoming that it's illegal and prison worthy to depend your self from sexual threats and physical assault. But apparently it is.
There's discussions going on Here and here as well as on the Fierce! site, so I won't start another one here. I just wanted to add my voice to those that are outraged over this.
I'd bet it would have been different if they were straight and\or white. But seeing as tho they are women maybe not.

Got yourself into this, get yourself out

This is going to sound heartless, but my uncle is in a nursing home - at 65. Why? because he's a diabetic who refuses to follow his diet, take any kind of care of himself and weighs so much that his legs can't support him. He fell. Twice. in two days. Had to get the ambulance guys to get him up once and once Mom and I helped him up. Or rather we got a chair under him and I pushed back the chair so that he was up on it. All 500 lbs or so.
This man is demanding, abusive, and the most negative person I've ever run across. He is also one of the 4 most destructive men in my life and one of the biggest reasons I never want to get married. He made me believe for years that all men did those things - and I wanted no part of how he made me feel.
So I have no sympathy for him and I *really* believe this is for the best. He's out of my aunt's hair, he's treating folks much less abusively and he's actually being treated for his issues...physically and mentally. But he wants out. He is talking being back at college in 2 weeks so he can teach. He wants me to give up my weekends to take care of him so he can do so.
Uh,no. You got yourself into this, sweetheart you get yourself out of it.
That means following your diet, working your ass off in therapy - literally and getting to the point where you don't collapse when you try to go to the bathroom
Stop whining about how horrible your life is and get down to brass tacks and do something for your own self. Stop eating like a pig ( before being hospitalized and having been diabetic for years - his idea of a good supper was ordering two pork chop dinners and eating both himself. great for a Diabetic -right) and start taking the steps to get out of yourself.
Sorry not going to sacrafice my life to care for you. You need to get yourself to the point where you can care for yourself. in other words and like I said above. You got yourself into this , get yourself out.

Does Not Compute, Does Not Compute!

On a message board I am on there was a discussion of the BoyScouts of America and their ban on Homosexuals. And out of this discussion came a poster saying that Homosexuals are not likely to be pedophiles ( good so far) but that pedophilia is more akin to Asexuality.
I still can't fathom that connection. I mean what kind of mental calisthenics do oyu have to preform to equate asexuality to pedophilia???
Yes I challenged her, no she won't back down but maybe, she'll think about it next time she says something that stupid.

The Jena 6...I can't NOT say something.

Get the banner here
Sign the petition
Join the letter writing campaign

I don't usually do political type posts, but this bothers me. Or rather sickens me. The fact that anyone - white or black or anything else- would think that hanging a noose because someone of another "race" sat underneath a tree is anything short of a threat is insane. The fact that these young men were charged, convicted and jailed for defending themselves against that threat is worse...but one young man was - quite possibly- NOT EVEN THERE is beyond the pale.
This is not a race issue it's a human issue. If someone hung a noose where I had been sitting - I'd defend myself too - I'd wager you would too.
Please think about it, pray for these young men and write the Department of Justice, your congress person and anyone else you can think of.

There is a virtual March going on at UltraViolet Underground. You can find it here

Two months to the day, tears again

I walked out of violin lessons again - this time it took all of ten minutes. I think she enjoys humiliating students. Particularly since I told the her the last time that I find the "One and two and One and two and" routine humiliating and that I don't learn that way. I PROVED to her that I can get it if she plays it for me I DID Ode to Joy. Even weeks before the book called for it. In fact months before.
I did it in June, by listening, we *just* hit the song by natural progression in the book last week....2 months later. BUT *I* am wrong and stupid for learning that way.
THIS is why I won't ask Kyle for a lesson - I learn to hate and fear music teachers Tell me why would I have Kyle, whom I love and admire and am inspired to no end by, teach me, and learn to hate and fear him? Thanks I'll stick with loving him from afar.

Merengue this week.

We went to the Dance lesson and practice dance again. Merengue and the Cuban Shuffle.
We had a good time in spite of having to take Moira....poor kid was a trooper but it seemed unfair to her after the teacher's kids left to leave her in a room and lock the dutch door on her. So we left early. I don't think we've made it through an entire class yet. :( We do enjoy it tho'.

9/11 May we always remember.

9/11/2001 ....I was at work when the first plane hit, by the time the second one hit I was home. I live damn near across the street and walked it. I walked in the door, turned on the tv and watched the NEWS reports...and listened to Music.
The Barras and Great Big Sea and found comfort, hope, joy and love in the music. And I got on the computer...and into a live chatroom with friends from around the world. With in seconds I was joined by Stacy from Nova Scotia, Alex from Italy, Teddy from England all wanting to know what the hell was happening here.
And I couldn't tell them...I was 500 miles away from NYC and farther from the Pentagon. PA was closer - but still 100's of miles. But Buffalo was weird. With in hours we had armed soldiers on the streets. Scary, weird and sad. Never in my life did I think I'd see the Army called out for anything but snow removal here.
It was shocking to see the towers fall and more shocking to think that 3,000 people perished that day.
The country pulled together in it's shock and grief. Folks did things like donate blood, money, clothes, time, prayed, cried, stitched quilts, and talked. There were flags hung and candles lit. There were vigils, and country wide "nights out" and other things I am not thinking of...and people talked.
But you know all that talking, did no go instead of listening and growing closer we've become farther apart...and now folks who are Mid-Eastern looking, or Muslim in appearance are suspect more than ever. Type cast and feared...and most are good decent folks who just want to go about their daily lives.
I think that adding to the fear in this world, that we all live with - is one of the bigger tragedies of 9/11/2001

May we never forget either the victims or the lessons.

Stitching Again

I miss my stuff...especially grandma's embroidery hoop...it felt "right" in my hands. Smooth and soft and well, just right. I have a newer one but it's not the same - the softness, the smoothness isn't there, there's no connection and I miss my grandma's.
It was worn smooth by three generations of stitchers at least....Grandma, mom and me...and I used it incessantly. Daily, even.
I haven't been stitching since the break in...that's the longest I've ever gone with out stitching. It just hurts so much to have "lost" all that..to have it taken. Sigh.
But I am stitching again. trying to catch back up to where I was...I lost almost a dozen ornaments that were done save for the back stitching. And I think one that my Aunt Terry made me before she died. I think I still had it there. I can find the mate but not that one.
I hate thieves. Really hate them.
But everyting can't be all that bad if I can still stitch. Right? Any how wish me luck,,,,maybe someday it will "feel" the same again. :(

Somethings are truly irreplaceable.

My car got broken into yesterday. They left the radio, the cash, the cds and took...are you ready for it? My sewing kit. Yup, you heard me. My sewing kit. Now noncrafters are probably laughing at this point,,,but I had several hundred dollars of craft supplies in there...some of which that can not be replaced.
I found some of the older patterns on ebay. ( and I never thought I would say this but THANK GOD for ebay.) This is a GREAT thing. But I can't replace the antique scissors or the embroidery hoop that was my gradmothers, or the scissors that my brother gave me when I was 14 or several other bits and bobs that are best described as heirlooms.
My Barra's ticket stubs where in there from concerts from the 1990's ..I had just dig them out of stuff packed in my best friend's attic at the moment. I wanted them home with me, so they were just put in the bag that morning. Can't ever get those back, either. My nephew's picture. I hope he has another for me.
Most of the rest of it I can get back...but I hate to think of what this person with do with it when they figure out that it's of no value but to me. I hate to think of grandma's stuff in the garbage. It makes me want to cry.
If you're the praying type, please say a prayer of two that I get at least the irreplaceable stuff back. thanks.
off to have a cry.

Mambo this time.

After much a do about Her husband's attitude - Trish and I went to mambo lesson with the same lady who taught at the Art Gallery last week. It's a ball! We had SO much fun.
We are going to do the two Saturday in a row class in October and a Class or two every month. This is made much easier by the fact that we can take the littles. ( AKA Moira and Colin) THey have a baby sitter that will come and watch the kids for $5 for the evening...both of them. THis is good news. We would not be able to do anything like this if there was no option to take the littles. Sean just will not watch his own kids with out a fight. Sad really. When we go out together I do more with his kids than he does. I should not have to.
But Mambo was great...we spent so much time giggling and laughing and cracking jokes it was not funny. Trish is still amazed that I have this much fun. And that I will do this. I have wanted to learn certain dances since I was a kid. The Lindy, the Foxtrot,the Charleston. A proper waltz. I love the way they look. Tara says she can teach me all of them. I like her teaching style. She makes it easy and does not stress over rhythm or lack there of. She says "get the foot work and rhythm will follow." Much easier to learn when you don't have to worry about being humiliated.
I am already looking forward to the next class.

How do they do it?

Had a violin lesson yesterday. Pachelbel's Cannon is still a consternation - It will be for awhile before I can play it well...but it's a start. I continue fighting Beethoven too. Ode to Joy is coming along, but Vicki says I have to memorize it. Sigh. I am so not good at memorizing things. But she seems to thing ( and is probably right) that if I don't have to worry about what note comes next, if I just know that, it will be easier to concentrate on the note quality, elbow position and rhythm. This exercise has given me a whole new respect for folks like The MacNeils, Mac and Ian...they have literally THOUSANDS of pieces memorized. How do they do it? Really.
It's a whole other type of smarts to be able to do that. And a lot of work. I am so glad that there are folks who take the time to do it. I can't fathom how much time they spend at home, off the road learning new songs, practicing, things like that. It's a total commitment. I am so glad that there are people who are willing to make it.
And that they are willing to share their talent with the rest of us.
I wish I could express my thanks and gratitude for the sacrifice of time, place and talent that they make. And their loved ones at home.
Thank you is simply not enough.

Fun Time this weekend.

This weekend Trish's Kids and Husband went to his mom's in PA, leaving us blissfully alone for the weekend. We had a Ball!
Friday she and I went to the Art Gallery, had swing dance lessons and listened to Carol McLaughlin’s Big Band. It was so much Fun! Then we wandered art the Gallery at a leisurely pace and just enjoyed being there.
We're going to take the swing lessons from this lady she does lessons every other month at the Unitarian Church.- and we're going to take David along. Under pain of death. Just because he is getting to dating age and the ability to conduct himself well in formal circumstance would be a good thing for him to learn.
Anyhow, I think I could use this too...I've always wanted to dance well. Oh heck, I've always wanted to dance at ALL!

I have a job interview.

Trish took my resume to work with her a while ago and today they called. So I have an interview to be a dental assistant. It would be nice to have a job that could work into something respectable rather than this place holder job that I've had since leaving the hell-known-as-Client Logic.
The job I have now definitely is not something I can do for long, as the church is closing - I have to find something and this place offers on the job training for both Dental Assistants, Dental Hygienists -as well as Medical Receptionists/Schedulers.
The problem is that this job has a 5 day interview. Basically they try to make sure you'd fit in there and could do the job. I hope I get it. I could use something good to happen.
Really.

So I've joined an SAL

A Christmas ornament one. I have started Stitcing ornies in a big way, odd since I don't celebrate the day. But I figured I could use some "company" while doing it so....

I have also decided that I am going to start using my other blog as a stitching gallery..Oh I'll post pics and commentary about who gets what, here, but that will be primarily used as a gallery. Hope it works!

Or maybe recipes I have been looking for someplace to put recipes online..either here or Multiply. hmmmmm.

The stitchery

Here are pictures of Kyle's card and the Blanket for Sheumas's newborn son. I am sure you can figure out whic is which ;)

So I told him..sort of.

I went to see the Barra MacNeils last weekend. It was a weekend of relaxation and fun with my long time friend and road trip buddy, Anne.
Now Anne Has been encouraging me to tell Kyle that he's the one who keep me going with fiddle...keeps me inspired to practice and not to give up.
So I made him an Angel card like this except in green. And copied most of the post below to a letter and I actually had their techie send it back to him between sets. He was sweet about it. I got a couple of BIG hugs afterwards, so I think he was ok with it.
We had seen them two days before in NJ and Lucy asked what I did Friday..so I told her that I had gone shopping for needle work stuff, had a fiddle lesson with Anne and did some site seeing. She asked if I have lessons at home and I told her yeah I have lessons. She suggested asking Kyle for a lesson when I have time..and I emphatically nixed that. Lucy pushed it a bit saying that he is a very good teacher. I told her that I think they all would be great teachers, since they are so patient but no I would never ask Kyle for a lesson. I will ask Kyle to play with me when I can do Tullochgorum at speed. Stewart looked suprised that I would think they'd be great teachers and mentioned that he has taught piano at the university level. ( lucky, lucky students!) I don't think Lucy "gets" how hard it would be for me to study under Kyle...you just don't study with the person who keeps you inspired. It would be too hard, too humiliating and it would take the dream away. I would be crushed if he laughed at me for my mistakes, or quirks ( although Lucy tells me "He would NEVER!" that's a direct quote.)
Playing with Kyle is my dream, the mere Idea of it is what keeps me going through all the rough stuff...If I have him for a teacher and play with him that way, what do I have to reach for?
On another note I also gave Sheumas a cross stitched baby blanket for his newborn. I actually handed it to him..he gave me a hug and a kiss. Which is the last reaction I expected! These folks are amazing. He later mentioned that he "has a complete set" of my work since I've given him a present for each of his three kids. Amazing. most men I know place no value on stuff like that and throw out hand made stuff before the kids ever see it. Sheumas apparently keeps it and uses it. Made me feel so good. I couldn't speak I was so touched.
I love the entire family. I have for years.
Anne's graciously allowed me to post pictures of a couple of them.



This is Kyle.
and



This is Stewart. Anyone who knows me know that I think the world of Stewart...I make no bones about it. And he'd have to be brain dead not to know it. BUT I can't seem to talk to him, lately. Too bad, because he is a wonderful person. I'd love to make a friend out of him. and It doesn't hurt his cause that he's the first man I ever met who could and would talk crafts with me with out making fun of me.
Of the ones I don't have pictures of Lucy is wonderful...warm, kind, strong yet feminine - she's fantastic.
Sheumas, as I said amazes me.
Boyd, is the youngest family member and a real gem. He's forever telling me "thanks" and I can't figure out why...but it's nice to know that he doesn't mind seeing me or answering questions for me or what ever. I could get to like him too.
Ryan, I finally met last weekend. Too soon to tell yet but he seems to be just as nice as the rest of his siblings. If he is, he's got to be a really special person too.
Then there is Jamie Gotti ....Lucy calls him "her adopted brother" nice man, fantastic bass player but he next to never talks to the fans. Too bad. I have enjoyed his music for so long that I'd love to tell him more often. Lucy says he's shy so it's not really appropriate to force him to talk to us.

Happy Independence Day

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness." ~ Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence.

Strong words, words to live and die by. And while we have not always done right by those words and the men who wrote them, or died to make the new nation truly independent- We have always tried. Some more than others and some more progressively than others...but we have tried.
We've had to drag some kicking and screaming into doing right by them, but we have managed in a relatively short period of time to come so far in terms of human rights and civil liberties. The struggle continues to be sure but I hope that when all is said and done the generations both past and present will be proud of what we as a nation have become. And I hope that in the future we will be even greater than we have been in the past.
God Bless America ~ I hope that 231 years from now we are still celebrating the Ideals and Fruits of Liberty, Freedom and Honour.

Music Lesson Today.

It was decidedly better than last week, But not as good as it was before.
She decided to "leave rhythm alone for awhile" but then "well Just a Little rhythm" about 10 seconds later.
She at least played it for me. I played it back. Rhythm was perfect. She looked shocked..."Why couldn't you do that before." Well I've only been telling you I need to *HEAR* it for 7 months. Head meet desk.
She said "well I teach how I was taught" my response was "I don't learn that way."
I got a deer in the head lights look for that.
Really how hard is it to figure out that if someone leaves in tears after a lesson your way ain't working? Sigh.
I miss Ian. And Mac.

Remind me why I do this again?

I just returned from violin lessons....almost in tears. I have no sense of rhythm I've told her that many times over. I've TOLD her repeatedly that I need to be SHOWN not forced into repeating "one and two and one" like a automoton over and over and humiliated. I've told her this will not work. Over and Over I've told her. I've ASKED repeatedly for her to play with me but she refuses to stop the humiliation tactics.
It might work for her. It does not work for me and forcing me to talk for her amusement is demeaning and humiliating and makes me feel stupid. Making a student feel stupid is NOT the way to get them a sense of rhythm.
If you want to teach you need to realize that ONE WAY will not work for everyone and you need to adapt your teaching style to other folks' learning styles - not expect a whole sale change in personality and learning styles so that your students suit you.
Remind me why I do this again.
And for the "almost in tears" I *AM" in tears.

Re-Write #1

A few moths ago I wrote a rant about how I couldn't Tell the man who inspired me to learn violin how Much his music meant to me. I needed to rewrite it and tonight I did.
Here's the result. It's not what I want but closer.




I don't know how to tell you this, but for a long time now you've been my inspiration for learning to play fiddle.
On 9/11/2001 while I was watching the towers fall, I had your music on. Yours and Bob Hallet's. I found there comfort and safety and joy and laughter and love...all in the strains of your music. And I found a dream.
A dream to be able to make my own music. Like you. Like Bob.
But you know dreams are funny and inspiration more so. I went off to the Gaelic College, Had a Great teacher Who made me love the instrument...make it seem like a friend. And I came home....it took me three months to find a teacher. Who turned out to be physically abusive. I stuck with it for three months and then gave up. It took almost three weeks for the bruises to fade completely. I cried every week when I went to lessons, and when I came home. I wanted Ian to teach me again. And the Following summer I went back to the Gaelic College...I quickly became the target of the teacher's frustrations. She was in a position that she should never have been put in and I caught the flack for her stress. Between the two of those teachers, I learned to fear lessons.
But you know your music, held healing and hope and courage.
Same with when my dad got sick with cancer and died - it was your music that helped..ground me and comfort me through that. And when my brother was in a motorcycle accident..it was your music that healed and comforted me every night after visiting him in ICU.
Through some of the worst times of my life your music comforted, healed, inspired and fostered dreams.
And those dreams never died, either because I found something else in your music too. Courage. Last winter I went to a couple of Christmas Concerts and listened to you again. And yes to your Sister and brothers. But you, you I watched...your hands seemed to fly and your eyes danced. You really seemed to enjoy yourself there. And I again wanted to be able to play those songs.
The courage I found in those songs made me go out and find a teacher again, to take lessons again. I did. I started December 20th, 2006 with a teacher who's very encouraging and patient..but she doesn't make me love it. That I find in your Music. I listen everyday.
And in your music I find a sense of wonder, and joy and love of life and magic. Did you know you're putting all that in there? You should. It's quite a gift to us.
I still find inspiration there too. Inspiration to re- do Morag for the umpteenth millionth time and try to play it right. To keep going with Piper's Cave and to go ahead and Try Ode to Joy or Silent Night. And some how listening to you makes all that fun.
I wonder if you realize that you paint pictures with your music and create dreams.
And I wonder if you'd laugh at me for telling you so.

Listening to the Master.

He'd laugh if he knew I thought of him that way I am sure, but he's the one I listen to ALL the time. There's just so much love and joy in him music. A sense of wonder and a sense of fun too.
Any how I listen to him everyday. And then practice.
He inspires me to keep going. To re- do Morag for the umpteenth millionth time and try to play it right. To keep going with Piper's Cave and to go ahead and Try Ode to Joy or Silent Night. And some how listening to him makes all that fun.
He'd probably laugh at that too. Not in a mean way...He's not mean. Or at least he's never been mean to anyone that I've ever seen. Just does not seem to be his way. But I think he'd laugh anyhow.
So I listened him tonight and found new things in it that make me wonder.
Wonder at his skill and his love of life and music, but also at the Divine Mystery of Talent and that something "extra" that takes someone from being just a skilled player to an Artist. He's an Artist. He paints pictures with his music, creates dreams. I find myself in a constant state of wonder and awe.
And while that's great for inspiring me to practice...It's horrid for me finding the way to tell him how much I've gained from his music.
Maybe someday.



And Maybe someday, I'll be able to Play "tullochgorum" with him and show him what he's given me.

A wish for Anne

Robinhood site
A fellow poster on the GBS "drama board" has done something incredibly sweet.

Anne a mutual friend of ours is in sore need of a new roof. She's spent her life taking care of her her family and teaching in one of the poorest neighbourhoods in the country and never seems to have what she needs much less what she wants.
Columbine is a friend of Anne's...who although I don't get along with her rarely fails to amaze me. She is such an extrovert! I admire that, and she's kind for the most part. When she's not..it's more that she doesn't understand that some folks are not as extroverted as her and for some one as extremely as introverted as me, well she gets scary with out meaning too.
Anyhow Columbine has found this site
and made a wish for Anne to be granted a new roof.

Amazing.

I hope Anne gets it. Please vote for her if you make it over there.

So sick of this crap..or I don't do group speak well.

On the GBS board there is ALWAYS a bit of drama. mainly because one or two posters think they have the right to say/do/callout/harrass/bitch/demean whoever and whenever tehy want with impunity and if anyone disagrees they need to "take it to PM" And of course, they are the rudest nastiest people around.
These folks have put other posters in tears. driven folks from the board. and bullied more folks than any schoolyard tyrant. And they are allowed to do this by the "staff".
I frankly, refuse to be told by them or anyone else..what I can say and where to say it. BUT I'll be damned if I use PM's.
Last summer I was pubicly attacked because I wanted to give Alan Doyle a hand made babygift. They wanted to do a group thing. Another poster I know of spent several hours in tears because SHE was attacked so badly. And almost didn't send the gift she worked so hard on. Because of these folks saying nasty things publicly. BUT when I responded..albeit with just as much anger and venom as We were attacked with...I go a PM telling me if "I have issue with what [theposter] said I was ONLY to take it up with her in PM". Yeah right. You get to to publicly berate, slander and humiliate me and another poster and *I* get to respond privately. It got to the point where I got an email from one of the worst offenders ASSUMING that I would do the group gift for them ...after I had been called all sorts of names. Yeah right. Arrogance at it's best.
This week it's drama over a longtime poster saying that "antifashion" contests on the board paid for by the band, are in poor taste. SUCH a bad thing for anyone to disagree with someone ON A DISCUSSION BOARD!
It's gang speak now. And again folks are being told "I can say what I want publicly but YOU only get to disagree privately"
I wish they's shut the fucking thing down.

I wish I knew the reasoning on this one.

I decided to go ahead in my violin books. I got sick of "The Dreidle Song" as I am having issues with keeping one finger down and playing on the next string. Like keep #F down and playing an A or b on the next string. G is even worse. Gotta re-train my fingers to hit the strings with just the tips and not the finger pads. slow going.
So anyway I decided that I want to try a new song and chose "Ode To Joy" I can barely get through it because it uses the 4th finger. But It sounds almost right. I have to have my teacher check the notes..since I am still so very slow at reading music I write the notes in and go from there...hey, give me a break I have only been studying since December 20th( 2006) I'll get better I am sure.
But I was fingering through the book, wondering when we'd get to "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and found it farther on. Ok, They use the version by Mozart, so Maybe it's a bit more difficult BUT the *very* next song is Pachelbel's Cannon! No freaking way are those two anywhere near each other in degree of difficulty.
Come On.
I *really* want to know the reasoning on that one.

A question and an Answer

One of my favourite places to visit is a blog of Questions Called " the center for improved living . He asks some thought provoking questions and some fun ones.
Well one of my favourite "games" is what if you won the lottery? My friends and I do play around with dreams that we would carry out if we had the money. Marc asked the same Question on his blog, so I thought I would answer it here. So "stolen" from Marc ( with permission of course) is the first of a series of questions, I'lluse them when I need a "prompt" for writing.
"What would you do if you won the lottery? (let's assume it is a BIG amount of money)"

There are many things I'd like to do. Bills would get paid in one fell swoop. Mine, my brother's medical bills, my uncle's medical bills, Ian's school Bills, I'd try and buy the house from mom and Karl's back bills too and Dr Amy's medical school bills.
THen I'd have fun:

Move to Cape Breton, buy lots of Ocean Front Property. leave it undeveloped and put it in trust for descendants of the the MacNeil family as many acres as I could legally buy. In trust to make sure it was NEVER developed, for the MacNeils because they are good people who would "get" that I was trying to preserve the beauty of the island for future generations.
After that I would by a some houses that were being foreclosed and give them back,anon, to the owners with trusts to pay for future hard times.
then I'd hire Ian MacDougall as a full time fiddle teacher and pay him a wage that would ensure he'd never have to leave Cape Breton if he didn't want to. And learn to play Toullochgorum.
I'd have to buy myself a house and land too...enough land that I wouldn't even have to see the neighbours lights, much less hear them - and leave that in trust too, when I died.
Then I'd set up a community center in the North End as the folks I used to hand out with called it. One end for youth with a skateboard park and other things, another end for the Adults with what ever they wanted and in the center a computer lab\ library\ sitting room with a fireplace, where everyone could join together for help with what ever. Kids could get homework help, adults could "impose " on the kids for computer help...and there could be music rooms and a swimming pool inside too.
Down here, I'd buy land in Maine not far from the Barnses and have what Trish and I have come to call "The Funny Farm" With sheep and goats and cows and Chickens and a few other animals but also with places for crafts and stuff for me and Trish to do. THere would always be room for folks like the MacNeils if they wanted a break or for other folks we care about. Guest rooms would be a must. as well as craft studios and music rooms.
And I'd go see the bands I want to see, when I wanted to see them. And do whatever they would let me to make their lives easier. I wonder how much it would take to get Kyle to play Tullochgorum with me, or Mac To teach me piano. :)
Hey I can dream, can't I. Mac as a piano teacher, that would be sweet.

fan girls versus obsession

I'll admit to being a bit of a fan girl. I like road tripping, getting autographs and giving gifts...and just being able to say "Thanks". Musicians do so much for us, give up so much to bring us their art to me it just "feels" right to say "thanks" almost anyway one can. Hopefully they don't find it intrusive, invasive or dangerous.
But and it's a BIG but..there is one chick I know who has gone so far around the bend I am afraid for not only her but for the object of her "affection".
She's decided that she's GOING to loose her virginity to him that, he has no choice. She's told several folks that she will even get him drunk to achieve this - and if that does not work, she'll use drugs on him. That she'll remove any obstacle and said that his marriage vows mean nothing. She's got several folks worried about what she's going to do about the very real obstacles of his wife and son. I've had a dozen folks echo the same words...that she considers them mere obstacles and will "overcome" them.
How do you "overcome" two human beings? Scary stuff. really scary.
Then there's the fact that she has told at least 5 folks that WE would do the same if we had the chance...erm? Including me, celibate that I am.
She's taken pictures of his cabin, his house, his fucking garbage bins and posted them, she posted personal info, and even waylaid his parents and pumped them for info about the baby.
She makes me ashamed to be a fan of anyone. sigh.

Sigh, people.

Cars. I am beginning to HATE cars. They like All technology are wonderful -when they work. Mine just does not happen to work right now. There is a massive leak of transmission fluid somewhere. I just can't figure out where. So the car revs and revs and never kicks in to gear, and then overheats. Regularly. I only use it to get to work and back now. And Friday it died at the light...in the middle of the intersection. Joy.
I have to get a new one. I feel trapped with out one and that's never good. For anyone.
On a brighter note, violin lessons are going well. I can do a few songs fairly well...not as well as I like but I'll never be happy 'til I can play Mozart perfectly. Yeah that's a few years off...Just like my dream of Tullochgorum with my favourite fiddler. Maybe tho that dream will come true. Hey - A girl's gotta dream doesn't she?

I've Been Quiet Lately.

Not too much to write about, really.

I have been spending weekends trying to sort out an ex housemate's stuff from my best friend's attic. This has provided us with many EEEEEEEEEEWWW type moments. Like when we found that she had packed her dirty laundry....and disappeared five years ago. What possesses some folks. She KNEW more than a month prior that we'd have to move and she couldn't do laundry? It should not surprise me since that whole cluster was odd about cleanliness and hygiene. Another was when we found ECW action figures....I have no idea why anyone would want them, much less three garbage bags full.
My car is on it's last leg, it is loosing transmission fluid by the quart and overheats regularly. Luckily I can get a new -to-me van in July. It just has to last that long. Here's hopping.

And we're back!

I've missed writing. We've not had internet access for the past three days. The ISP screwed up the server switch over and we paid the price. :( I could not post to anything, or even get my email. It drove me batty not to communicate. Funny that. How we do get dependent on technology.
A few thoughts on what I've been up to.
I went to my violin teacher's senior recital. She was great! She's been so worried about it, but I think she sounded wonderful...but what do I know. I am sure she did fine, all the students who worked with her were great too. I wish I had that kind of talent. Vicki is a great person too, very encouraging. Always encouraging. I love her classes, and look forward to them every week. I practice about an hour a day and wish I could do more. Between her and my desire to play with Kyle, it drives me batty not to practice.
I've also been crocheting. I need to get back to stitching, but I have three blankets I want to send to folks. and then I need to catch up on the Christmas Ornaments I want to give as a gift this year. And some book marks. I need to do five book marks and 3 ornaments to catch up. sigh. Then there are baby gifts I need to make...I gotta get cracking.
Sigh.

A Movie *I'll* look forward to.

The Golden Compass is one of my favourite books. I have read it and reread it so many times I've had 4 hardcover copies fall apart. It's coming out as a movie in December...I can't wait.
As part of the pre release "festivities" the website is "pairing" folks with "daemons" as in the book, mine is below :) it actually describes me fairly well.

Something I need to rewrite.

There is this fiddler that I find much inspiration from listening to. He's one of the folks who made me want to learn and the one who keeps me inspired to keep practicing and learning.
And he's one of the nicest folks I know. I want to tell him how much he's inspired me but I don't have the words. Today I wrote this:

my rant: Why is it so hard to tell you that you've inspired me? To tell you that your music has gotten me through things like 9/11, my father's illness and death and my brother's accident. Why can't I tell you that it was watching the towers fall on 9/11 and listening to your music that made me WANT to learn to play? That the joy and love that you put into your playing has healed and helped and comforted me through some of the worst times in my life. And that your music makes me dream again. Why can't I tell you that I've started lessons again - after having a physically abusive teacher who made me fear learning- I've started again, because of the courage your music gives me. That I listen to you play before and after each lesson, after practices, when I need a boost or a smile or to remember the beauty in life. Why is it so hard to tell you that my biggest dream is to be able to play "tullochgorum" with you?

I know you'd listen, you're that sweet, so why is it so hard?

It's in a rant thread on a msg board I frequent. My friend Anne thinks I should send it as is...I think it needs to be toned down. I am posting it here as a starting point. I'll let you know if it ever comes to fruition.
Sigh

Old friends + new technology.

I just sent off a note to one of my oldest friends...one I've never met face to face. He lives in Ghana and I in the US and we've been writing so long I don't remember when it was otherwise. He's a few years younger than me but we have so much in common it's not funny - and a lot of it is "shared" history. He was there when I moved out for the first time, he was there when I got and lost my dream job ( the company relocated) and he was there for 9/11 and my dad's death.
He shared his elementary and high school years with me ( we've known each other THAT long) and his marriage and the birth of his daughter..basically our whole lives.
I was in high school when I started writing him and we've been friends ever since. Odd think that I've known him for more years than many of my other friends have been alive and I've never met him in person.
I recently got his email address and added him to my yahoo messenger, new ways to keep in touch. I hope we don't stop writing - pen and paper style - but this could be fun. I've chatted with folks from all over the world before but never someone I know so well. It will be interesting.
New technology brings so many gifts with it, gifts and curses both...let's hope that for this relationship it's more of the gifts that come, shall we?

Let's not compund one tragedy with another

It's coming out that the VA Tech shooter was 'autistic', if true this was one high functioning person with autism. And one very warped one.
I wish folks would realize that it's not the autism that makes or "made" him do this...it's some other type of mental illness ON TOP OF the autism. Most autistic folks are not killers, violent or more likely to commit crimes than others.
The tragedy would be compounded if the general public started viewing folks who suffer with something on the "autism scale" as potential threats and isolated them further. Yeah, they are hard to communicate with, hard to understand but they are not people who need to be feared and condemned by the rest of us...they get that enough with out adding a tag of "potential mass murderer" on top.
Sigh.

A few notes.

I am really enjoying the Zoo membership. I've been twice since I last wrote and Saturday I also joined the science museum - I visited for a bit, it was fantastic and sadly almost abandoned seriously David and I were almost the only ones there. Folks miss so much because they don't see what's in their own back yard.
Having a best friend who has kids she'll "give" me for the day helps too. I would NEVER go to these places alone these days. That's sad too. But for a lone adult to be in "kid" places these days is dangerous. You're viewed with suspicion - just for being there. I am so sick of the attitude that there's something "wrong" with loners or that if you're in a "kid" place you're a threat. And the list of "kid" places is growing. When I was a kid, parks (not playgrounds but PARKS like Como Lake Park ) were for everyone. For those who don't know Como Park as the locals call it is 375 acres of "play space" that has things like baseball diamonds, tennis courts, horse riding, hiking, and cross country ski-ing and in the winter skating and sledding...there's a "river" that folks can canoe in, too. and of course there are several playgrounds scattered through it. It USED to be for all ages...not long ago I was eating lunch about 1,000 yards from the nearest play area, cross stitching and sitting on a chair I brought with me..not talking to anyone, not really bothering anyone. Or so I thought.
About a half hour into this I was confront by a Policeman asking what I thought I was doing. I told him I was waiting for my hotdogs to cook and cross stitching. He told me to leave the park that a lone adult "near" kids was making the parents anxious...I responded that I had not approached any child and had been no closer to any place area than the road I drove in on. He told me either leave or get arrested..and I asked what for. He said "being a danger to kids" I was livid but there was nothing I could do and as I was packing up he told me not to come back that the park "is for families and children, not people like you."
My taxes pay for that park and several others, just like those parents, but I have no right to use it because I have no kids? Where are my rights?
So now if I want to go to places like the zoo, museums, parks, any place really I take a kid..usually my best friend's. David the 14 year old has "gotten" that this attitude is wrong for years. Ever want to get a rant out of him, ask him about how single adults are treated. He'll give you an earful...just for what he's observed.
I loved talking to the man who runs the "connections" room in the science museum. I was really disappointed to find that there are no "hands on" class for adults. everything under the sun for kids- nothing for adults. I asked why..and he didn't know but said he'd mention it to to his boss who handles that stuff. He's also going to mention the idea of getting alternative family memberships. No matter how we configure it I can't get my entire family to the museum or the zoo with one membership. It's insane. With so many weird configurations of living arrangements the Cultural institutions should take notice and offer more options for memberships....it would bring in much needed money and make folks feel more welcome. I was telling this to the young gentleman I was speaking to and he had a "eureka" moment..when he thought about his own family and having the aunts and uncles take the kids rather than the parents. He's got 8 nieces and nephews and because he's not the parent there is NO option for that...why? Nuts is what the thought line of 'we must encourage families to join, not everyone else"
I wonder who comes up with these ideas. really.

So I joined the zoo....

And My best friend/adopted sister and her kids and I went Saturday. We had a ball. Except for the fact that the 4 year old, Colin, continually ran away from us in an effort to see *EVERY*thing. That got tiring. This 45 year old is no longer able to keep up. And Trish was busy with 21 month old.
Seriously we had a ball...I can't wait to go back - hopefully next time we can go to the petting zoo - they call it "the children's zoo" ( why is it if it's fun it's for kids?) - and I plan on petting and trying to feed the sheep. I couldn't care less about any of the other petting Zoo animals ( well maybe the donkey) but I want to pet the sheep. I love sheep. Someday I hope to own a few.
Anyhow, We spent 4.5 hours at the zoo - and didn't see three quarters of it. I am so glad I got the membership, that means we get to go back often. Really often. Yay!

Just another way of saying "You're NOT worthy" or why I hate holidays.

So mom decided she has to have 20 people over tomarrow for the "holiday' as she calls it.
She went did the shopping but for got a few things...she decided the remedy for this was to take what I have. now she knows that I have NO extra money to replace what she takes. When I protested this she says 'I'll replace it when I go shopping next payday, until then do with out" I looked at her and said "of course *I* should do with out" ( What I didn't say was : even tho I have what *I* need, bought out of *my* money because it's not stuff she regularly uses and won't buy, every time her guests want something I am supposed to fork it over cheerfully) Pay day by the way is two weeks away and it's when I'll have money to replace what she takes.
She feels that if I have it, it's hers to use as she wills and damned with me....she's upstairs now slamming doors and pots and pans having a right proper temper tantrum because I told her I should not have to go with out for two weeks because she won't buy the stuff she needs for her guests. This attitude of mine is "selfish" I am told and She also say " I certainly appreciate you ruining every holiday we have"because you know I am not good enough to keep what I buy anyhow. Damn I wish I had been aborted.

Edited to Add:
This is stuff like lemon juice - that she need like 3 cups worth of for homemade cheese cake, cream that she needs the entire half gallon and things like that. Cream she buys in a pint sized container and I am not allowed to use. Last time I use enough cream for one cup of coffee she demanded and entire quart in replacement and then told me I am "never to use her stuff again," if I "want it buy it yourself" Lemon Juice she refuses to buy period, since she "doesn't use it" but the amount she needs means I don't get to have tea with lemon, til I replace it in two weeks. And this happens each and every time she has guests over.
Last time she had her friends over for "the day" ( read the bingo workers from church- 25 in all- for two meals) she took my month's supply of tea - not the red rose variety either but stuff like Republic of Tea and offered it to them - I ended up having to replace it, Because she "Just didn't get around to picking it up".
I pay rent, grocery money and chip in for bills, but anything that is out of the ordinary for her I have to buy out of my spending money - yet she feels free to take it. I am sick of it

Betrayal

I don't trust easily. or often. But I trusted K. and K betrayed that trust. I found out about it Thursday. It's taken me this long to be able to form coherent sentences about it with out a plethora of swearing. Well, the sentences with swear words were not really coherent either....just strings of 4 letter words strung together.
Here's what happened.
I've known K for a few years and she always seemed to be one of the few folks who were *always* on my side...not in agreement with me, but always trying to get me to be my best, to do my best, to never "settle" for less, if you know what I mean. I'd learned to run things by her when I was unsure of things, or needed an opinion or a new perspective. She'd tell me point blank if I was in the wrong or my family was or if I were over reacting to things at work or whatever. So I asked her to be my medical power of attorney if anything should ever happen.
And me being me, I like the best of accommodations - so I started a savings account to be used for that eventuality... to get things like a private room, TV, an extra nightgown, food that I wanted from the "outside" - you know the little luxeries of life.
Thursday I went to the bank to put more money in and found out the account had been closed by K. Livid does not begin to describe When I confronter her, she used the excuse that her kids needed things and "it was for my eventual use, wasn't it?" umm, no it was for mine.
Needless to say I pressed charges. She was arrested and charged with petty theft and spent the night in jail. Over the weekend she contacted my boss and tried to pressure him into getting me to drop the charges "for the sake of the kids", not going to work, he has NO say in it. Zero.
Today she showed up at work with a cop trying to "work it out" - what's there to work out? you stole, now take responsibility and pay the consequences.
His folks will take the kids, they'll raise the kids with limits and an example they need to live up to, not down to. And they will probably end up being better people for being with them.
But I do feel badly for the kids. They love their mom and she uses them. She makes other folks hate and fear them because she uses them as weapons "do what I say or never see them again.", or " If you don't help the kids will suffer" and they did too, both monetarily and emotionally.
I hate her at this point, and I hate myself for hating her. But she's killed our friendship and she's "killed" the person I thought I knew. This new creature hasn't even said she's sorry - to me or to the kids.
at the very least -doesn't she owe THEM an apology?

Meme

I haven't posted in awhile. been too angry for words...perimenopause certainly magnifies everything. So I thought I'd post this.
1. Do you sleep with your bedroom door open or closed?
Closed..locked if possible

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
yeah.

3. What do you do?
you mean for a job? I work for a Catholic priest. But I do much more than that

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Nope

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
no

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
sometimes.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Bear, I am allergic to bees

8. Do you like BBQ sauce on top of your potatoes?
ewww

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
no

10. What is your biggest fear?
people

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
fitted sheet on the bottom, no top sheet, blankets never...I sleep with my feet off the bed , most of the time

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
not normallly

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
yes.

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
Yes, if I"m alone.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
yeah

(Hmm, 16 is missing)

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
no

18. What is your "Song of the week"?
Tullochgorum

19. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?
Yes.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
hated 'em even asa kid
21. What's your favorite scary movie?
Not into scarey movies

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
Cape Breton

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Milk

(Oh, where's 24?)

25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
Chinese

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Harry Potter

(Anyone seen 27?)

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Both

(What about 29?)

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone?
I am writing one to John in Ghana Now.
31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yes, and the brakes, Battery Cables and 'Plugs.
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
several

33. Ran out of gas?
yup

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
Rueban

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Porridge when I can get it.
36. What is your usual bedtime?
I have a bedtime?

37. Are you lazy?
Damn right.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
astronaut, nurse, Batman,Robin.

(39 has gone AWOL as well)

40. How many languages can you speak?
not enough

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nope.

42.Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos


43. Are you stubborn?
yeah

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Neither

(Yikes! 45 is missing)

46. Afraid of heights?
Who am I with>
47. Sing in the car?
not often enough
(48, no 48.)

49. Dance in the car?
nope.

50. Ever used a gun?
yes,

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
high school

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
nope

53. Is Christmas stressful?
hate it

54. Ever eat a pierogie?
lots and they're great.

55. Favorite fruit pie?
BlueBerry

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a child?
Historian, Dr, Acheologist, Marine Biologist, Librarian

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
yes

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yuppers

59. Take a vitamin daily?
do I take *anything* daily?

60. Wear slippers?
yes

(61 is gone off somewhere)

62. What do you wear to bed?
the blankets.

(63 has buggered off with 61, perhaps?)

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
target, but I prefer Zellers

(Wow, two in a row, 65 AND 66)

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
both, please

68. Ever hear of "gorp"?
Yes, but not sure what it is.

69. Ever take dance lessons?
unfortunately
70. Last time you threw up?
umm, those details you don't want

71. Can you curl your tongue?
no

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
nope

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yeah, After talking to Mac.

74. Own any record albums?
Many

(Never much liked 75 anyway)

76. Do you burn incense?
yes

(77 is gone, gone, gone)

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Bara Mac Neils, Mac Morin, Ian MacDougall.

(How's about 79)

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
both

81. Tea or coffee?
both

82. Favorite kind of cookie?
Molasses

83. Can you swim well?
yeah

84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
yeah

85. Are you patient?
no
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ

(Another one gone, 87)

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
no
89. Which are better black or green olives?
.black
90. Can you knit or crochet?
I can crochet and am struggling to knit

91. Best room for a fireplace?
Kitchen

92. Do you want to get married?
no

(Looksee, no 93)

94. Who was your Middle School crush?
Oh lordy, I can't remember that far back.
(Two in a row, 95 and 96)

97. Do you want kids?
NO!

98. What are your favorite colors?
BLue, black

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
ANne, Stacy, Lucy, Mac, Ian.

100. What do you want more than anything right now?
Win the Lottery and move to Cape Breton.


(Post a new comment)

nebula99
2007-03-13 10:40 am UTC (link)
LOL I didn't even notice any were missing! Doh!

18. What is your "Song of the week"?
Tullochgorum


21. What's your favorite scary movie?
hate them .

A word about my living arrangments.

I live with my mother and nephew. We are a bit of a rarity these days - 3 generations under one roof. It ain't easy either.
I lived alone for years...I had issues with my landlord, mom had issues with her healt and Ian was living here with her, but is next to useless with women's health issues. ( He's a 24 year old guy, so it's no slam, just normal). So I moved in here. To help out.
You'll be hearing alot about my family to say that we don't get along, is an understatement. We never have. I've never been good enough for them.
I wrote this for a friend asking about being a "taget child" Lots of it is unbeleivable if you haven't been there, but it's all true.

I am the target child in my family, reason being: I am a girl. plain and simple I am not as good as the boys because I don't have a penis.
I can't count the number of times their hate and abuse have been discounted because "that's how boys are" and the parents were no better. My mom is best discribed as "June Cleaver with a Mommie Dearest twist." When my older brother was in the motorcycle accident, it looked like he might have to have a lung transplant, my mom looked at teh Dr and said "My daughter will be donating" - I have witnesses on this.
As a kid both parents would frequently take out their frustrations on me, and drag me along with with to places no kid should see. I went every day to the hospital to watch my grandmother died for two years, my brothers went on Christams and easter. When I broke under the stress of it - at 12- and started crying, my father yelled at me for "being a baby", and I got grounded for it.
I was a size 8 and muscular and very active, still I was called fat and told that the muscles were just "how hard the fat is packed in there".
The Boys could do things, get away with things, say things and go places that I couldn't "because they're boys". When we went places, the boys were allowed to take friends, and I wasn't, because "they're boys". Yeah - great.
Mom allowed the boys to take my stuff, use it for things it was not intended for and I was wrong for getting upset. Karl is still a loud, viscious, person who tries to run my life and I am told "The world is not about you, get over yourslef" no matter what he does, it's ok. And if I get upset, mom makes it worse. This week her saying is "when Mike was sick you were crying and sobbing and whining" but now you won't go see him when he wants. Yet if I point out that I have had plans for several months that I would have to rearrange and she knew it, she tells me me to "get over it". If I tell her that when I call he never has time for me and it should go both ways to have a relationship- she berates me for being "selfish"
She gets upset at the high electric bills and blames me..and tries to tell me that I should not have a heater, even tho I live in the basement where it is ten degrees lower than the rest of the house - in the 50's (F) and refuses to see that Karl's coming home 8 days a month and working 10-12 hour days adds *anything* to the electric bill and then refuses to even shut the fucking door when she goes out side because "it's too hard" to open the door everytime. Like that has nothing to do with high bills either.
( and I wonder where Ian gets his "manners" from. )
Sigh.