I wasn’t ever really special. Only in the right place that certain people had ample opertunity to take advantage of me and pretend to be my friend when really they wasn’t.

Each and every one of them had a chance to show me they really was my friend but at the moment I needed I never showed. But was brave enough to call me when they need something. And I’m not like them I actually pull through when someone needs me.

I mean I have the right reasons for that but I grew up feeling abandoned because my parents was never really there for me. Sure as hell not an emotional level because they was too busy trying to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. So call me naive, call me an idiot. But after so long the neglect it all starts adding up and you just feel so drained from it all. Hopeless. And you just don’t want to put that effort back in when you know you will not get anything back.

People in general can be so unscrupulous and thoughtless, vain and arrogant. Everything has to be just for them, they never think outside their own box, because everything has to benefit them.

You know originally the very reason I even created this account was so a certain person could see how I’m doing, so we could have some form of communication. She has not even done that in quite a long time. Because I’m no longer a part of her priority list. That’s another fact I really don’t even have anybody now, I have literally started over from scratch on my own. I even told her that I’m living much closer together now and that didn’t matter. I know at one time I did matter to her but not anymore.

So I have to wonder do I just give people in general too much damn credit? Is anyone really who they say they are? Or in the end is everyone just out for themselves?

I am nnot sure what to do at this point, I have established my new place of residency got my change of address, my medical information and insurance taking care of, pretty much everything but got my stuff yet from Tennessee which will be done this coming Monday.

What I’m really want for her to is working on me, you know all I’ve ever wanted is just give a s*** about me, don’t take me for granted and put me off, but I’m not sure if that’s possible anymore.

Everyone I get involved with just eventually forget to exist. Yeah it makes me angry but now at the same time just the feeling of I f****** give up. I just want to be happy and not alone miserable at home every f****** day.

This town is not quite as accommodating as back in Kingsport. The one drawback I got is that there is no public transportation aside from a bus system and I hate the whole going from one bus stop to another, it’s miserable and time consuming. But luckily this town is so small I can literally walk anywhere and because of it being so damn small there’s hardly a damn thing to do here. The only place in town I can go to that has any interest to me is a small music store that sells records. And the only thing I’ve been thinking about doing to get some sort of activity in my life is to look into some guitar lessons.

But hey all the good side in 20 years I go to Senior citizen Center won’t that be fun. F****** hell man. And not to sound like a total douche but this whole community is 3/4 Mexican so on the social aspect there’s not too many people can talk to.

I get the whole reasoning on why because of it being a farm town. And you know this wasn’t my original idea, moving here. But I needed help moving and Janelle was the only person willing to help me. And she really pulled through, I was somewhere amazed the length she went. Personally I didn’t want to deal with that crowded airport again in Charlotte, she came all the way down from here in Iowa we packed up her SUV of what’s my stuff we could and she picked me up and I was at her house until I got this apartment which was pretty much a month.

At the same time I think we was trying to see if it was going to work as more than friends but no, the girl hardly speaks at all, if there’s one thing I hate is being the only person putting in any effort towards communication. Yeah one of the stories of my life too, I have the list.

As far as I know me and her friends, but the girl never calls, I have to call her, matter of fact she doesn’t even text me anymore. But I go to her work over at the library a few times. and you know with that you think I would get something back some kind of recognition of our friendship, but no.

And this is me now living here by myself.

I am sorry you went through so much when you was younger. There was a lot to deal with. The neglect, the emptiness, the need to feel loved.

You did have some very caring people growing up, your teachers, Mr. Nagel, Dr. Biller.

You loved art so much, yet you dtoped it because dad did not approve of it. He is no longer here, you need to try again. I know you did not lose your artistic insight, use it!

Even if it is in your writings. Find something that you can cling to, something to will really want to make you write about. I know you like to help others, just don’t over attach yourself to those you help. You can’t repair them, they have to do the work, you can do as much as guide and advise them.

Find your purpose!

Like your sister keeps saying: you only have one life.

I know you hate hearing that, but it’s true.

Find your purpose, or that one fear you have, it will come true.

I am trying to look back on my life growing up, as much as I hated it, through all the neglect and doubt I am trying to find purpose behind it all, for me, so that I might trying to heal and find inspiration of some kind.

I think if I did I will find some kind of purpose for me, I know I am more than what my life is now, I have too much of a keen mind, and perspective to be wasting myself like this,

If I know one thing I am through with all the hate that this world has become, and I need to find something greater than myself to dedicate my life to.

Some will say I need to find god, sorry I never bought into that, a lot of those same people have turned their backs on me totally, and more than likely will not be seen again, I am not on this earth to be in their reality it would seem.

From this point I am going to be watching for some direction, and I hope I fins the bravery to walk through that door when I see it.

I have trouble with how I perceive myself, with all the negative toxicity I have been through. I am honestly lonely and I know I am not built to be alone, there is so much out of life I need and it requires more than solitude. When I look at myself I feel like the victim I was growing up. Like I am still that little boy getting that verbal abuse and being neglected.
I now and then hear opl day thing like how I am a fighter.
My sister saying how proud she is of me.
I feel I lack the ability to feel proud of myself or take credit for anything I have done.
This world can be a very rough place, all I want is to feel I belong.
I don’t think that is asking too much.
But I am in a place I do not belong full of some of the worst kind of ppl.
I just want away from this place so I can put all the toxicity I went through as far behind me as I can, then maybe I will feel victory.

I don’t know wtf I am here anymore.
I feel like I have nothing to show, nothing to be proud of. I am on the edge just hanging on in a place I have never been happy. I am short on friends. I don’t think I will ever have the kind of close friends like I did those years ago, then again most of them were fakes and assholes.

I need something I can hold onto, something tangible, worth my time.

Which is why I feel I have nothing.

I am hardly worth anyone’s time apparently. I try to get by. I scath the bills and just make it. I need more then that and I am trying to find it, again there are elements not in my control, red tape and paperwork pretty much to tell me if I am worth the chance.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I want to know I have ppl that I can trust and give a shit about me. I want to be able to sleep. I want a safe damn place to live. I want enough money in my pocket so I don’t have to worry, just so I can say fuck the world.

A persons mind can be a confusing place.

Just speaking for myself.

I have had depression all my life, and I never saw how much it had affected me til today.

I was a victim of emotional abuse all my life growing up, and I think I got so used to being in that box my mind stayed in it, always feeling like I am the victim. So many times I attached myself to a new person who wound up to be toxic, or just a lot to handle. I want to get past all of this, but it is very hard for me.

And I am trying, I swear.

I do not want to see myself as that little boy anymore, being emotionally pushed around and degraded.

It just happened for so long my mind is trapped there, and I a not sure I can bring myself out.

I try every day though, its like an endless attempt to prove myself to myself, that I am better than the ppl who doubted me. I keep telling myself that I have to be stronger, The Stand Tall and just endure it all.

I feel that’s what my life has been all about, enduring pain.

When something good actually does happen there’s always a drawback. I just want to be able to have a real good future for myself.

Now there’s some words I don’t speak often “for myself.”

Anytime I want some kind of support at least by my blood relatives I’ve always been accused of wanting attention or being greedy.

I think that is why I went to such lengths to put others people before myself. I did not want to be seen as a bad person.

Now I’m being overworked and underpaid in a job that I’m very much trying to replace.

Why is it so difficult to try to be happy?

I really hope I can find a path with the future.

We need heroes.
People to inspire and guide us to push the envelope further.
Especially for those with no direction so that they might see their own potential.
For all you know there may be someone guiding you and you don’t even see who.
But most of all look for strength within yourself to help someone who may need guidance.
Enthuse, inspire and believe, especially believe!
Believe you can stride forward, so that you can find your path, only to help someone.
And the world needs more of that kind of inspiration.

Start the day off by always believing in yourself, maybe someone will see that confidence and it will help them have that same confidence.

Always start with yourself, you ate the center.

Think of yourself as that one person to look up to, take the mantle of that responsibility.

You wil know one of the duties of a heroe.

Strength, it is what is inside you.

I guess I need to stop trying so hard to prove myself and think of this as baby stepps.

I have secured a decent paying job and moved past the assumption mom put in my head that I am unable to.

And that is all due to my own effort of taking that class for a year to learn to handle my anxiety.

It helped, I have been here for almost 7mos.

3mos under the new management.

My life is better. I can afford to pay my bills and go out to have fun.

I just have to keep it up and not give up.

Incase you are wondering….

The reason I am not writing journals much anymore is that I am tired.

Tired of how everything I have to write about my life is sad, or depressing.

And now I just don’t want that to be all my life is.

At the moment I talk to a stranger or someone I just met, I want something good to say about myself and feel at at the moment I am speaking it.

I am at a pivotal point.

I have a big door before me, and all I feel I need to do to go through is put the past behind me.

But I have to wonder, aside from my patents and Mary, how much else of my past, and who else?

When I walk through that door I want to feel impressed with myself enough to show others how good a person I can be.

I feel I need to do that in order to find the ppl in my life that I need.