miles to go...

July 2nd, 2009 was the day that I found out that I was pregnant with our son. But as some of you may or may not know...that wasn't the first time that I was pregnant. About eight months earlier, on a blustery December morning just before Christmas, I crawled into bed and told Steve that he was going to be a daddy. Roughly seven weeks later, a doctor at the emergency room told him that he wouldn't be...at least not this time.

That was a hard time for Steve and I. A sad time. But there is something very important about that time in my life that I want to share with you...

For quite a while before I got pregnant, I was struggling with the direction of my professional life. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to pursue something meaningful. I wanted to add to the betterment of my life through the work that I did. But I didn't feel like I was doing any of this. I had a great job...one that I was very good at...but not one that inspired me. I found that as time went on, it became harder and harder to face such a major change in my life. Security won over passion and practicality won over bravery. But it always bothered me. Immensely. I felt a profound sadness over how the majority of my time was being spent and suffered from great anxiety over the portion of my life that was passing me by in, what I considered, a state of aimless purpose. I had spent years in school and even longer excitedly looking forward to the contributions that I was going to make in the world through my work...only to find that I had fallen far short of the expectations that I had for my life. I felt constant disappointment in myself.

A few months after I really started to struggle with this, my husband and I decided to try and start a family. We always knew that we wanted children - this was a given - but suddenly the timing of it seemed ideal to me because having a baby would redirect my attention to something other than the professional emptiness that I had been feeling for so long. In all honesty, having a baby meant that I wouldn't have to think about it for awhile and when the time came when I would have to think about it again, the decision would no longer be about me because I would have no choice but to do what was best for my family. In a nutshell, having a baby would have made the decision for me...which was to not make a decision at all. I suddenly yearned for a child more than ever so that I could be freed from the emotional confines that were making me feel like such a failure.

And sure enough, the day came when the test was positive and life would begin to change. Except that it didn't. I remember the moment as vividly as if it were yesterday...the moment in which I realized that the feelings I was struggling with weren't going away just because I was pregnant...that my ambition for my self and my life hadn't vanished with the two pink stripes that appeared on the test...that at some point in time, probably sooner than I thought, not only was I going to be overwhelmed with these questions again but I was going to be doing so as a mother. This broke my heart. I had broken my heart. Because I had given up.

Once the pain from our miscarriage began to heal and we started to feel like ourselves again, I swore to myself that never again would I allow circumstances to make my life decisions for me...never again would I relinquish that responsibility for my own happiness. And it's the most important decision that I've ever made. Certainly not the easiest decision...but definitely the most important.

On March 11th, 2010, Hudson was born. It was the best day of my life. I looked at my son and I looked at my husband and I knew that the world was exactly as it should be. If nothing else, at least for that moment. In the six months between our miscarriage and finding out we were pregnant again, I picked up a camera and started my business having no idea what would come of it. I did my best to make amends with relationships that I had let go {yet wanted to retain} and I let go of relationships that I fought too hard to hold on to when, in reality, they needed space to go their own way. I faced some of my darkest fears and in the battle of life, I managed to win. This time. And this time, I've learned, is all you have...and may be all that you are given. This time however, is also all that you need.

I tell you this because it is the ultimate of my confessions and one that I'm not very proud of. But it's also my greatest lesson and one that I wanted to share; The lesson being to never give up on your life. Ever. I can say this as a person who nearly did. As a person who was very close to giving up her responsibility to choose happiness. As a person who nearly chose to hand over the reigns. As a person who - God bless - was given the opportunity to change directions...but not without its price...not without its pain...not without its loss. Don't give up. Don't ever give up.

This will be my last post on this blog. I spent a long time deciding whether or not to bid farewell or to keep holding on. Aside from my obvious absence here over the past eight months, I just feel that it's time to let go. So much has happened to me since I first started this blog and even now, as I type the words, I struggle with the idea of hitting the 'publish' button for the last time. I sorted through myself here...I found myself here. I discovered my love of writing here and I started my book because of my time here. This place has been important to me. The people who come here have been important to me. But it's time. And I hope that some of you will come along with me as the journey is always better with company.

I have no idea what will come of this life but as Robert Frost once wrote..."The woods are lovely, dark and deep...but I have promises to keep...and miles to go before I sleep...and miles to go before I sleep..."

Sweet dreams dear friends...

a thousand miles...

I remember reading somewhere that "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". Well, cleaning my baseboards today was my single step!

To say that this past month has been busy is to say that James Brown gets down; it's nothing short of an understatement! We have been on the go...endlessly. Some of it our own doing and some of it being the universe having its way with us. But either way, we are managing one day at a time!

We just got back from southwestern Ontario late on Saturday night. I needed to be in London to shoot a wedding so we figured that we would make a week of it and visit family as well. The result (for me anyways) was the majority of days being spent getting up at 5am and not hitting my pillow again until close to midnight. Not ideal but definitely a fun time spent during those waking hours.

But now that I'm home, I feel like life has somehow spun wildly out of control. Hence the baseboards! I have a tendency to clean when I feel disorganized! While it may not be entirely true, I do feel like the last little while has been spent frantically spinning my wheels; being super busy all day long but not really getting much accomplished. I'm not a huge fan of that feeling.

So, where does that leave me now? I still haven't really decided yet! My to-do list is still getting longer by the minute while the days continue to get shorter. The days tick away while all the tasks at hand do not. Funny how that happens!

At least my baseboards are clean!

a matter of time...

It was my birthday today. I turned thirty-two.

Thirty-two.

I can't say that I ever imagined what my life would be like when I was thirty-two but I can say that it was well worth the wait.

I spent the day quietly...reflectively.

Steve, Hudson and I went for an hour and half walk in the cool morning air and watched the world wake up. We had breakfast and coffee on a patio in the shade. I had a nap with my little boy. We went shopping for a bit. We took some pictures in a field of sunflowers. We had dinner and ice cream at my Dad's house. We watched the baby giggle and the sun go down.

It was the perfect day.

In a lot of ways it's also been the perfect year. Not to say that it's been an easy year necessarily...but it's definitely been the year. It's been the year that I needed; the year that challenged me; the year that rewarded me; the year that changed me.

It's been a good year.

I got pregnant. I went to Italy. I bought my first car. I fell even more in love with my husband. I started my own business. I became a mother. I spent some much needed time with my own mother. I healed a bit more. I started to see the world differently. I gave my parents a grandson. I said goodbye to some things. I said goodbye to some people. I became a photographer. I believed. I got scared. I moved forward anyways. I became a bit more like the person that I've always wanted to be.

It's been a great year. A really great year.

I'm still thinking about what it is that I hope to do in the year to come. Some things seem to be a given while others may or may not come with the territory.

I want to worry less. This I know for sure. I'm still not entirely sure how to do this...but I hope to tackle it as it comes along.

And my confidence. That is something else that I hope to address over the course of the next year. It's something that I owe to myself. Hopefully, I can also address some of that here...in this space that I've managed to neglect over the past four months.

I do think that one has a lot to do with the other. I believe that as my confidence improves, I will, in turn, worry less. My confidence in my health, my relationships, my appearance, my abilities...my faith. Perhaps at the end of the day, it all comes down to my faith and simply letting the rest go. But again, this is something that I will share with you further in due time. Because I want to. Because I need to.

But for right now, I have two hours and seventeen minutes left of my birthday. My perfect day. And until that time is up...I need no further improvement because this year has been exactly what it needed to be...

Perfect.

withdrawal...

I miss blogging!

I've missed it for about two and a half months now! I find that, being a parent, I now have a running commentary going on in my head at all times...perfect for blogging. But I also find that, being a parent, my spare time is no longer spent in front of a computer, nonetheless trying to make sense of the anarchy that happens in my mind!

And so I miss blogging!

Hudson just turned three months old and he is, by far, the love of our lives. A friend once told us that having children was like living in colour and she couldn't have been more right. I honestly don't think that I've ever laughed more in my entire life than I have over the course of the last month...even on the days that I've also been in tears by 8am (which has happened more than once!)! I mean really, when was the last time you got excited about the fact that your ears are actually attached to your head?!?!

I've noticed over the course of the last few months that my own needs have become as basic as my child's; eating, sleeping, a change of clothes every now and then, a little love and affection. My own desires during any given twenty-four hour period have become pretty similar! And all the while, it seems to work! Children are so wise!!!

I feel like I celebrated a small victory last week because Steve started his four month parental leave which means, in a nutshell, that I survived the first three months flying solo with my little man during the day! It's hard to say whether or not my first three months as a parent has been a success but, at the end of the day, I think that our son is happy and healthy. And as for me, I've learned more in the first ninety days of his life than I have at any other time in my own. No doubt, it's been challenging, but I think we did alright! We had an ongoing mommy date every Wednesday morning; we got through five seasons of Gilmore Girls (especially through the "I-refuse-to-sleep-anywhere-but-in-mommy's-arms-phase"!!); we learned how to put peanut butter on a bagel with one hand; and we walked. A lot. In fact, we walked so much that I walked myself right back into my pre-Hudson pants in ten weeks! Thank you baby boy!

The one thing that I have failed miserably at though, is establishing a routine for myself. I've done my best to create one for Hudson but in turn, as a result of dropping everything for his immediate needs, I haven't managed to do the same for mommy dearest! Hopefully this will change in the coming months as Steve and I finally get the chance to take co-parenting by storm!!

Having said all this though, I have managed to keep up one thing regardless of the day that we've had; reading. I've kept my books nearby at all times and new parent or not, I've read! Maybe not for very long or very much, but I've read. And it has helped. It's helped to give me stability and a sense of balance during this time in our lives that has more or less been turned inside out. So I may not have eaten as much as I should in the last three months but I have received my recommended daily requirement of non-fiction!

Between that, my husband and my son...I've got all the nutrients I need!!

(But I promise to work on getting a bit more calcium!!)

rockabye baby...

For my Hudson...
The littlest rocker in my life...

the coles notes...

It turns out that when your children finally get beyond that newborn stage to the more adorable and interactive stage...it also means that they need to be entertained! Apparently, just eating and sleeping just don't cut it anymore! So, that's us now...tuned in to the Hudson channel 24/7!

I thought that I would take a moment though, while Hudson "talks" with the octopus dangling from his playmat, to give you a brief coles notes version of life in the Smyth house...

~ It was 18 degrees this morning when I woke up at 5:20am. That's right...eighteen degrees with an expected high today of {wait for it...} thirty-eight degrees! Do you even understand how ridiculous that is?!?!?

~ Hudson will be eleven weeks old this Thursday. This is amazing to me! It makes me feel a little less like a total rookie parent! It also means that pretty soon, I may be emotionally recovered enough to tell you the story of how my epidural stopped working when I was nine and a half centimeters dilated {now there's an entry for the "Book of Awesome"!!}.

~ Speaking of Hudson, his future wife was born last week! Yup, you read that right...his future wife!! When a close friend of mine, who was also pregnant at the same time as me, found out she was having a little girl...we decided to kick it old school and betroth our children! It's never too early to get the ball rolling!

~ I finally finished A.J. Jacobs' book "The Know-It-All" and love, love, LOVED it! I'm absolutely going to read it again! But first, it's on to Yann Martel's new book, "Beatrice & Virgil". Let's see what kind of messed cannibalistic story Martel comes up with this time!!

~ I went back to work last weekend! And by work I mean my photography business! I took my men and we headed to Montreal for my first shoot of the season; my aunt and uncle's 25th wedding anniversary vow renewal and reception. It was awesome! Even when Hudson had a monster poop explosion in the middle of the ceremony!!!!! That little man can get away with anything having eyes like that!!!

~ Our favourite show, Lost, ended this past weekend and I'm pleased to say that watching this lunacy for the past six years was totally worth it! Not only was the series finale amazing but it also turns out that my theory was right all along! You can always count on the Catholic girl to know purgatory when she sees it!!

~ Lastly, I love etsy.com

Well folks, that's life on our end of town! Thanks so much to my two or three readers that still tune in!!!!!

The only thing cuter than our baby (in my humble opinion!!!)...
is watching my handsome husband with our baby...

{insert melting heart here!}