Just the other day someone told me I was wrong about love. I had said that I didn’t believe in love.. They said, “no you didn’t. You just realized that you didn’t believe in marriage. But deep down, you still hope it exists.”

They are right. In a fucked up way, I do. Many things have crossed my mind tonight and love has been in my face. Everywhere I look, I can see it. I just can’t feel it.

It’s that feeling I used to have when I was growing up in a Pentecostal church and everyone around me would be filled with the Holy Spirit jumping around and praising God in tongues. And I would close my eyes and pray and pray and pray.. And I would never receive it. Still to this day, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is truth. Or if everyone jumping around me like a fool was just kidding themselves. I’m skeptical because I never experienced it.

I am the same with love. I was so close to feeling it with my sons father that it still hurts and saddens me. I thought it was real. He was saving up to buy me a ring, and I fled. I couldn’t “marry” the idea of being with one person forever. Forever could be so long or so short in a lifetime. Nothing has changed my mind.

My heart seems to be a rest stop for men before they reach their destination. Never have I been the destination. I am always just a pit stop, a place to take rest, a place to rejuvenate the soul and then I’m left. Maybe they may visit again, but only for a little while for the bare necessities. Their love, effort, and time is spent with another lucky woman. (And I’m one case, a man.) this is why I have never believed in it… Because I have never fully experienced it like everyone around me.

What. The. Fuck.

If ever I experience it, maybe I may believe in love.. Again. But until that happens, I’ll remain cynical.

My biggest fear in life isn’t death, divorce, spiders, or mountain lions. Nope. It’s falling into a deep depression. I know it may seem silly to most since “everyone goes through it” according to most. But those of you who knows why it’s like to live days, weeks, months, or even years with no joy or peace know what I’m referring to..

Knowing that I am prone to this darkness leads me to racing thoughts which lead me onto that path once again.

I am petrified..

Relevance.

we have all felt this way. From my sisters blog.

Lately I have had some random occurrences. Too many coincidences. However, I learned long ago that coincidences don’t exist. Things are meant to happen that way. Everything is perfectly where it should be. It’s come to my attention I am much more mature than I once was. I know I know, that sounds so cliché, but it’s the damn truth.

I have matured. I am proud of it damn it.

Someone told me this evening that I have a PhD in emotional intelligence. Another person this evening said they believe I have tapped into my psychic intuition. And a last person told me I have such great energy.. Good, clean, positive energy. These are all signs that the universe has given me and shown me of my true growth. It wasn’t always like this.

Some nights in the past I would cry uncontrollably wondering when I was going to die. Other times I would slit my wrist just to let the pain out because I had no right words or actions to express the deep hurt that had manifested inside my truest being. During the day I painted a beautiful smile onto my face and wondered just how many people could see its transparency.

I am fortunate. Fortunate enough I had the ability and endurance to climb out of that dark tunnel and know that I was the light all along. Knowing that I have overcome such incredible emotional battles has left me with scars of wisdom. People seek me for advice and ask how they too can achieve peace. I don’t feel as though I am enlightened necessarily, but that’s how many see it. They voice to me that I have answers. And really, it’s just that I was one of the lucky survivors.

Technically, I should be dead. Overdosing on sixty pills of Xanax and surviving to tell the story is an accomplishment in itself. Yes, it’s a dark one, but many stories alike in my short thirty years of living have allowed me the emotional intelligence others speak of.

I looked at my son today and just smiled. He is a ray of light that I never wanted years ago. To have a child for me was asking for failure. But he is my biggest achievement when I look at him now. He taught me without knowing that I could love someone else fully and unconditionally. And he’s taught me how to love myself. There is no void anymore. There isn’t a deep pit wondering when the next crash is on deck. Instead, it’s just lessons learned.

Unexpectedly I met someone recently. Someone who understands what family means to me, what love means to me, and also what I mean to me. They don’t know me yet, especially this darker side. But I know that they will accept it well. I don’t expect anything wonderful to come out of the relationship, but I wouldn’t mind the world surprising me. I mean, life right now is all a whirlwind of surprises as I am still living..

Growing up in Organized religions like Christianity or Catholicism is so damaging… Especially for us who are mentally ill.

Why? Because it teaches us to have blind fucking faith instead of facing the issues in a healthy way. Whenever my bp acted up I remember people telling me to have faith and I just needed to pray more and seek Jesus. What a load of shit.

It’s one thing to have faith and know there’s a higher power that is inside of you and supports you. Something bigger than us that can help us see logic in most things and help us find reason and understanding in suffering. But it’s another to never deal with your emotional baggage and throw it under the rug to just leave it because it’ll work out.

Those types of habits permeate the rest of our actions and screw us up.

Sorry I’m venting. I have a lot more to say but I should get some sleep.

Haven’t written in a while bc I’ve been traveling the entire past month.

But I can say that a shift has happened in my life and I need to update you all about it.

My apologies for not writing the last few days. I guess apologies to myself. But I have been sick with the flu. However it’s allowed me some much needed rest and some time for reading.

I re-read one of my favourite books “The Four Agreements” and took even more from it than the first time. All agreements are fantastic but I especially like the second–don’t take anything personally. I need to remember this on a daily basis because when you make everything in your life about you for so many years you forget to realize that everyone has their own agenda.

What people say and how they act towards me has absolutely nothing to do with me as a person. What I think of myself is the ONLY importance because I have to live with myself each day. Peoples reactions to me will change with how they feel towards themselves. That’s why people always let us down. Because we take things personally.

I’m going to start really working on this in my everyday life and see the change it brings to me. Maybe at times it might seem as though I’m nonchalant or uncaring about circumstances. However, it will definitely help my overall balance because instead of having constant triggers, I will allow situations to more likely roll off my back.

Has anyone ever tried this? Or really been aware of this…?