Feminism, Predators in High Places, and Female-Only Space

Disconnects these days. Major news media are all over the ‘Epstein Files’ because it is juicy news. Political scandal, infighting between the two parties, salacious photos of men who we all knew were sex predators already in postures of arousal with women or girls whose faces are blacked out. Tussles over which files are being redacted to spare evildoers and how survivors are ever going to get justice. The broader implications don’t get talked about. Women reading and seeing this newly-acknowledged news, it’s a reminder that we are and always have been disposable yet indispensable to the male-dominated world we unfortunately live in – a dance of denial and exploitation to keep itself going. Survivors of Epstein’s rape and pimping are given their due in these news stories but even in doing so, the issue becomes criminalization of predation on children and the technicalities of proof and credibility. Flashing warning lights, confirming what women and girls know in our bones about men, all men, just raise their alarm within us and don’t see the light of day in news discourse.

And meanwhile in my local county, girls are being told to suck it up over minor inconvenience and let a boy come into their changing room and toilets at school, because after all he’s another kind of girl, a ‘trans girl’. Some people ‘just don’t tick the male or female box’ after all. You’d think the folks saying this don’t know, or don’t want to know, about male sex predation as an ongoing epidemic of violence – probably the longest-lasting and most widespread one of all. Similarly to news media’s treatment of the ‘Epstein Files’ as a juicy story with the seriousness at most being about survivors of that particular predator being able to prove their own credibility and bring down particular bad apples, so that all the other men can hitch up their pants, harrumph and keep on with business as usual.

My friend and feminist sister Sally Tatnall says that the phenomenon of trans advocacy that negates women’s identities, analysis, boundaries and privacy is not a problem with trans individuals themselves but rather the overall system of male dominance that uses trans people to keep women down. Making these connections proves her case.

Authoritarianisms

I haven’t taken freedom for granted since a date in May 1977 when I was detained and transported to a psychiatric unit in New York City. It was my parents who detained me on the street, in a pretext after a visit to a psychiatrist I had agreed to under duress. The shock plus lingering respect for their authority prevented me from defending myself at all, I broke down crying and could not or would not speak. There was nothing to say. I knew what was happening and it was what I had feared, and sought refuge with my parents to prevent. I mistakenly thought that the promise always held out to me of love and home no matter what, was real.

In the current fascist US regime what I know in my bones is how to survive by getting through. Not in always honorable ways (though I’ve been too hard on myself about e.g. the moral injury from taking the drugs I knew would torture me and not resisting). The detentions and abductions of immigrants to an offshore, outsourced prison that is designed to impose a reign of terror on those incarcerated get to me on a visceral level that is not easy to explain to comrades. I know arbitrary detention and state terror not just from generational memory of the Holocaust (which is there too) but from my direct experience. I am shy to point this out, since I am sure it reads as hyperbole, that maybe I was especially sensitive, and in any case this current situation is not about me. But when everyone is sharing their reactions to the developing authoritarianism and resistance to it, I count as much as anyone else. So I’m writing this to speak into a space and to explore what this means to me, and where I am in the world we live in right now.

Readers of this blog will know that I’ve suffered (mildly compared with others) from the authoritarianism in progressive movements, including parts of the psychiatric survivor and disability movements, that elevates gender identity over women’s fundamental rights to political recognition, autonomy, privacy, safety, freedom of association and more. (Read the UK Supreme Court decision for a victory in this area, and these posts by a UK journalist and feminist organization commenting on it). As a lesbian, we are dealing with threats to us from both ordinary bigots having a resurgence of male supremacist chest-thumping, and the new dogma that same-sex preference and exclusive lesbian social and political spaces, or any lesbian-feminist community or political work, is deemed bigoted against transgender people, so that we have to go partially underground to carry on, and in the US our issues are coopted by the Trumpers, leaving us defenseless. The defenselessness on all sides, throwing us as a community on our own devices, is familiar to me. In some ways that gives me/us space to develop more of what I need and want internally, but can also stunt us being kept in the darkness (literally or figuratively) and not seeing the light and fresh air for too long.

In a torturous environment (and see my blog post on that), everything is designed to work to intimidate, to make you subordinate to the will of the captors. Not always even to break you for a particular purpose, just to break you and leave you to figure out the message.

One anecdote from my detention decades ago is, they served us a mixture of coffee with tea, ‘because some people like coffee and some people like tea.’ In other words, don’t think you get to enjoy meals, it’s just a duty we have to go through. And giving you choice is meaningless because you are the kind of people who don’t really suffer like we do. (I didn’t drink it, I suppose there was water also.) This kind of dehumanization underlined the captivity itself, the drugs and the terror with which they were imposed if you refused (straitjacket and injection), the enforced nothingness of days broken by mealtimes and ‘medication’ calls.

How can people think this is acceptable to do to human beings? (Echoes, how can anyone think that it’s ok to abduct people to a prison we pay a dictator to run in another country?) Due process doesn’t fix it in either situation.

In this fascist regime, or regime doing all it can to impose fascist rule in all areas of life, against real resistance that may hold back a lot or not much of it, what am I doing? Well I’m joining in what and when I can, following and publicizing the news and court cases, being sensitive to how the winds are blowing. Paying attention in case I personally need to do more for myself/loved ones and for the bigger world. At the same time, I’m renewing and always seeking deeper meaning to my commitment to stopping forced psychiatry.

What I’m finding now, is that telling the stories in a way that can make people stop and think, start turning the wheel to change attitudes and generate solidarity, is what I find most urgent. I still have particular work I’ve committed to for the coming year. But this is what’s coming through now. And telling this story here is an instance of what that might look like for me.

In New York Times comment sections on articles about forced treatment (usually proposals for laws permitting more use of it), commenters overwhelmingly support that kind of authoritarianism. They don’t see themselves as similar to the fascists. Nor do the trans activists and their allies who see fit to literally piss on women’s rights and regularly threaten women’s rights campaigners with messages calling for them to be killed (they call us fascist, just as ordinary misogynists have always called us Feminazis).

I cannot escape, nor do I want to, these complicated facts that make it not a one-size-fits-all ‘Resistance™’. For a real resistance that we mutually see one another as human and deserving of solidarity, where mutual aid is not code for an in-group clique hedged with scolding exclusions, we have to get beyond all the superficialities. Sure, do the big marches, big tent for the rule of law and democracy writ large, but the deeper work is even more important in the long run. The immediate work to save immigrants and everyone else at risk of abduction and outsourced arbitrary detention is crucial, and the movements to support them. And everyone else arbitrarily detained and persecuted, we need the same.

Survivor identities, Identity Politics and Abolition

I just finished reading the book The Revolutionary Road to Me: Identity Politics and the Western Left, by Chetan Bhatt. I have a lot of thoughts about how Bhatt’s arguments for universalism from particularized standpoints (as I understand it) relates to feminism, a movement that he doesn’t explore fully – mainly as it has been undermined by queer politics, and somewhat in relation to identitarian forms of anti-racism.

For now, I want to focus on survivor identities, particularly as survivors of psychiatry. We have been accused of defining ourselves negatively in reaction to those who victimized us. We did take on as a collectivity, first a users-and-survivors identity, then ‘people with psychosocial disabilities.’ The first was a coalition in essence, bringing together everyone who had been victimized by the psychiatric system or who was using it and wanted certain rights as a user which they didn’t have. WNUSP’s statutes also brought in people who had experienced ‘madness and/or mental health problems’ but who may not have ever used or been traumatized by the psychiatric system. So we represented a constellation of issues that were sometimes in tension – need for alternative understanding and supports, system reform and alternative services, and reparations and redress, emphasizing an end to the systematic and legalized human rights violations. We understood the issues to have bearing on one another and the coalition as being of people who all stood in the same basic relation of relative powerlessness to the forces that oppressed us – the psychiatric system, the state, and society in their stereotyping, misplaced fears, and targeted abuse and discrimination.

The concept of psychosocial disability was adopted to place us on an equal footing in the disability movement, and it created a different kind of identity. Despite disability being theoretically understood as a social construct, there is always the underlying reference to impairment, and an implication that this is an inherent aspect of the person rather than a state of mind that we are passing through, that is always changing. Many of us struggle with this from different perspectives – for some it conflicts with the aim of recovery or the concept of mental health problems as a health condition for which one might seek treatment. For some like myself as a survivor, the implication that there is something about me that sets me apart from the rest of humanity just because abusers used pseudo-scientific labels to have me incarcerated and administered mind-numbing drugs is offensive and demeaning. I do not accept this identity label, because the social model meaning that I have advocated for, which can include those of us who are impacted in the present by abuse in the past at a time when we were struggling and given demeaning labels that we reject, never sticks in anyone’s minds long enough to be what they hear in the term ‘person with psychosocial disabilities.’ While they may still hear simply ‘crazy’ or ‘mentally ill’ when I say ‘survivor of psychiatric institutionalization’ or attribute my rejection of the labels to denial and deem me an untrustworthy narrator for that reason, at least it is clear in my own mind and value system and my present-day advocacy.

We identified as part of the disability movement for strategic reasons. We didn’t necessarily have to take the term ‘psychosocial disability’ but many use it now by preference and they can bring their own understanding to it. What is useful for survivors is to say, even if we were all the things you said we were, it wouldn’t justify the mistreatment. Disability non-discrimination politics joins with the concept of mad pride, which we had developed as analogous to the liberation movements of the 60s, especially Black pride, to say that if we are different from other people it is not a reason to fear us, segregate us, confine us, alter our minds and brains against our will. As disability, we join with others who are similarly feared and shunned and pitied because of differences others perceive in them, and who are at times also treated paternalistically and segregated away from society because they are deemed unproductive and expensive and therefore a burden on others. For me as a survivor, the disability lens helped to understand and frame as acceptable the experience of life crisis as a result of both family dysfunction and social dysfunction that led to people in my life seeking help from the psychiatric system to remove me unless or until I could perform socially again.

The bitterness I carry against the systems that converged to drastically change my life by lasting harm is huge and profound. It has at times poisoned my ability to enjoy life and find peace – and it has also given me the gift of anger, of self-knowledge and knowledge about the world I live in and human capacity for evil, including my own. It has led me to do the work I do which has given survivors hope and tools throughout the world and which I hope will one day lead to true abolition so that the trauma can be put to rest and repaired as a historical fact that can be healed once it no longer menaces anyone.

There is another thing I want to say about survivor identity and personhood. While we and others in the disability movement critiqued the liberal idea of isolated, encapsulated personhood through our promotion of ‘supported decision-making’ or support in exercising legal capacity as a permissible and useful, even necessary, means for many people who have been deemed incapable of manifesting their will in ways that can credibly relate to the issue which they must decide, we emphasize that support is always subordinate to the person’s own decisions and that the supporter’s will and understanding do not merge with that of the person who is making the decision. Personhood does not have to be conceptualized as encapsulated or isolated in order to be autonomous; autonomy within all our relations is essential to understand ourselves as the equals of others and to relate to them accordingly. Here I mean by autonomy, both one’s own self-recognition and self-assertion as a person different from other persons, and others’ recognition of and respect for this fact.

Chetan Bhatt’s reference with approval to the African concept of ubuntu, that we are persons through other persons, resonates here, and it also does not go one-way; when others deny me this recognition, when they see me as subhuman or inferior or less than themselves, I can effect change by developing self-consciousness autonomous from their negative view of me, and emerge into those relations to challenge and upend the subordination. But I usually will need the support of others – a circle, a movement, trusted friends – who together develop this consciousness and emerge as persons for each other, which we can then assimilate and metabolize for ourselves to emerge into our own full lives. This was the genius of feminist consciousness-raising and has also been true of the organizing and educational dimension of workers’ movements, Black consciousness, and others, including the survivor movement. It is not to negate the possibility of individuals developing such autonomous self-consciousness – that is unavoidable given that we are human and we feel pain and resentment, however much we may feel we have to hide or suppress it. But the collective dimension gives us a political voice that we do not have as individuals, and it also enriches our individual understanding and creates new culture and relationships that we also value and work to maintain.

Women as women also have had to fight for social and legal recognition as persons, and feminism has developed its own varied ways of understanding the self and personhood, which I am familiar with as background but would need to research again to describe faithfully. Basically, there is one version that simply seeks equal recognition as persons in the liberal sense, ideally self-actualizing and atomized. (That idea of personhood cannot be accurate for anyone since it ignores the matrix of identity as community that every human being is born into including the infant’s relation with its mother.) There are other versions that are idealized differently, for example, viewing individual women, once they have have their consciousness raised and expunged patriarchy from themselves, as exemplars of a theorized ‘originally female’ collectivity that naturally expresses values of cooperation, peacefulness, and industry. That, I would submit, is identitarian feminism that erases its own historical coming into being and universalizes its particulars inaccurately.

I remember a conversation with a young male law student, when I was studying law as an older student in my early 40s, in which he startled me by saying he sees himself as a bubble isolated from other people. I have never seen myself that way; rather when I reflected I saw myself as a node in a network of relationships with other people. Now I am more interested in the multiple dimensions of self that I can experience, for example in expanded consciousness during trance states and the sense of magic that happens when women trancing together have synergistic visions that can shed light on each other. Rather than a theory, what interests me is experience of self-within, self with others, self among others and untangling different individuals’ needs, perceptions, and fears (different depending on whether I seek this understanding through my own reflection alone to determine a course of action, or explore through conversations with those other people, which is also a kind of magic).

Instrumentalizing identity individually and collectively is useful for political action, and if we include representation of a collective as a kind of identity, is necessary if one wants to insert a new agenda into a hostile status quo. The politics of non-discrimination in particular, and the way it is operationalized as law, is a potent tool – some survivors (e.g. Judi Chamberlin and Rae Unzicker in the US, Mary O’Hagan in New Zealand) saw this potential early on for our disability rights affiliation and I experienced this and took it further in the work on the CRPD. Yet ultimately the survivor movement’s aim is to obliterate its own separate identity except as a historical legacy of reparation. Not so with the identity of psychosocial disability, which is meant to persist. For me, and I think for many of us to at least some extent, the ideal even with respect to support and solidarity with people experiencing life crisis, unusual perceptions and intense distress is for our inclusion and acceptance in these states and at these times to be part of the ordinary social fabric. To the extent that this means ending capitalism and drastically altering the nature of the state, both also part of a feminist vision that seeks to center women’s lives as the source from which communal and political imagination proceeds, it seems utopian and merely wishful thinking. I do not know how to resolve that, but I believe that living and working and advocating with these values in mind can put into practice the best possible life in the here and now. (Even in facing authoritarianism and climate change.)

In addition to these necessary linkages, we also face the stubborn persistence of the mental health system that is doing its best to co-opt our demands and assimilate them within its own hegemonic practices and discourse based on concepts of mental health condition, treatment, and the need for specialized professionals to intervene when we are suffering in ways we cannot individually understand or manage. I have argued that knowledge must be democratized, not to lose what has been developed in any profession including mental health, but to metabolize it through dialogues among ordinary people to the extent any of us need or want to use it, and also to allow for alternative disciplines and practices outside that hegemony to be heard, including grassroots and movement-inspired knowledge (feminism and the survivor movement have a great deal of social theory, legal theory and philosophy happening in grassroots spaces that sometimes makes it into books and journals or the work of academics).

The most important part of survivor advocacy is to end the violations, and for this we need to be vigilant in monitoring the mental health system’s actions of cooptation (like WHO’s Guidance on legislation, human rights and mental health) and states’ good-faith strong or partial attempts to legislate abolition of forced psychiatry (like the reformed national health law of Mexico). There is real progress here that we cannot dismiss and we need to make sure that potential loopholes are closed; survivors need to shepherd and guide implementation and enforcement of such laws.

We should not accept the WHO’s interpretation of the CRPD, though we can acknowledge that even the world’s health agency accepts in principle the duty to abolish forced psychiatry. Instead we should use the CRPD and its own interpretive materials from the treaty body directly (primarily General Comment No. 1, Guidelines on Article 14, Guidelines on Deinstitutionalization) and other complementary materials within the human rights system such as the work of certain Special Rapporteurs on Torture and the Working Group on Arbitrary Detention. Survivors have always insisted on not being defined or confined literally or politically within the health system, and our work on the CRPD had to fight that battle too at an early stage. In this sense identity as survivors and as part of the disability movement helps to position ourselves and define our stance, but is not enough, it is only a starting point, and mere recognition or acknowledgement of this identity has never been and never will be enough.

Another point to make related to Chetan Bhatt’s book, is about his critique of identity politics specifically as a product of technocracy and corporate environments. While the disability movement as we were when drafting and negotiating the CRPD incorporated both highly efficient and well funded NGOs and academics, alongside leaders of international organizations, national organizations and disabled members of government delegations who were often highly grassroots as people who could express the aspirations and concerns of their constituency in effective ways relevant to that process, the grassroots voices were especially strong and gave the process a unique character that is remembered with more than fondness, even nostalgia, by many of us who were present. We were not there as performers of identity, we were not there as mere storytellers whose lives would be the fodder for paid technocrats to interpret and legislate on. We wrote the treaty together with people whose professional knowledge and expertise in law and human rights and negotiation supported us (some of us brought our own as well), and those who had the mandate to negotiate a binding treaty on behalf of their countries (again, there was overlap). That is in many ways one of the sources for my idea of democratizing knowledge (and practice).

Since the adoption of the treaty however, there has been a reversion in large part to technocratic dominance and centralization, particularly through the International Disability Alliance. I will not address that in depth here, though I have had my own history with that entity since before it became an NGO with its own legal status, when I was one of the leaders of WNUSP and one of its representatives in IDA, even chairing IDA for a year’s rotation. Becoming a legal entity with first an executive director who seized power and was allowed to do so, then a full complement of staff, gradually over time eroded the voices of the more grassroots organizations that made up IDA within the platforms that IDA itself engaged with and in shaping IDA’s collective voice, policy, actions and programmatic work. I left IDA while remaining in leadership within WNUSP (for a time) early on in this process, and have witnessed from afar the usurpation of voice as collective spokesperson towards the UN and other entities (usurpation from the IDA member organizations acting together, by the standardized voice of the IDA secretariat), establishing IDA as gatekeeper, source of funding and training and fellowship opportunities. My work continued through WNUSP and then through CHRUSP after I left WNUSP leadership – the need of UN bodies for the expertise WNUSP provided, and then my own value as an individual professional and activist whose reputation and legacy is meaningful in its own right, allowed that to happen. Other survivors as well and their representative organizations – TCI, ENUSP, RedEsfera, and PANPPD (I am not sure if the latter still is functioning), and many at the national level – are well respected, and much of this work is still grassroots, voices emerging from their communities to express aspirations and concerns, with varying levels of professional knowledge and skill, but always representing ourselves and not allowing others to speak for us or differentiating between the NGO professional technocrats and others who are brought forward merely to perform as examples of ‘lived experience.’ Navigating the technocrats of IDA, academic institutions, and other NGOs that work on disability human rights and have at times supported survivor organizations’ advocacy, and our own internal variations of professional skill as well as advocacy experience, hopefully still is, as it seems to be, part of the work we do as a movement, and will not dominate us.

What we have going for us, is that as survivors we have a burning desire to bear witness and do our part to stop the atrocities from continuing, to say ‘Never Again’ and keep saying it even when it does keep happening. We cannot afford to give in to despair. Beyond our desire, we have tools now, that have come a long way over the past 23 years (from the beginning of CRPD negotiations in 2002) and that stand on the shoulders of the movement that created us. Whether victory is around the corner or will take a while longer, our fight is meaningful and keeps hope and dignity alive.

What I know

Fear doesn’t mean you stop living.

Fear is debilitating to live with.

The political process will never give me justice. My people will be free sometime in the distant future or in a faraway place or in our thoughts and minds and dreams and the aspirations of those who actually love us. There we find hope and comfort and solidarity.

We can’t know what the future will bring. What opportunities, what openings, rays of light, breakthrough where we glimpse freedom. Or whether that opening will be brief or forever.

Not having a voice in your main political spaces, for what matters most to you – means you live a double life, or more. You make choices based on center of gravity of what you care about that’s up for your input. For me, I’ve kept a space for what matters, that lets me shine and have faith and demand justice. Where I am responsible and find deep nurturance.

The psych ward is a good education for living with the prospect of authoritarianism.

Love and hope to everybody in the US and to survivors of psychiatry everywhere.

Reparations and healing – starting a conversation

Psychiatry survivors have not, to my knowledge, had the conversations we might need about how we have been harmed.

We talk about the harm in our testimonies, putting it forward to bear witness, to be seen and heard. We are starting to succeed not through testimony alone but through devising the legal standards and tools that will enforce abolition of the atrocities we suffered and many continue to suffer.

But I have not been in conversations to talk about all how we are harmed, for our healing needs beyond justice. (Beyond the justice that comes from recognition and guarantees of non-repetition.)

I have found, and have felt since before working on the CRPD, that I need healing as well. Not healing from madness or from trauma before or after the psychiatric abuse, but the psychiatric abuse itself, which is indelibly etched in my being and my memory.

I wonder: We don’t have healing circles for survivors of psychiatric abuse. Why?

Are we afraid of the intimacy – others’ pain drowning out our own? Facing our own pain by sharing with others who can identify? Not being able to hold space for each other because we are all too hurt?

I want to talk about what it did to us, if we complied and betrayed ourselves. If we fought back and were defeated. If we won. If we believed in them and were betrayed. (That narrative, in relation to believing in psychiatry, has been told more than others – it serves the agenda for change as defeating the medical model. But there are also other betrayals.)

Who were we betrayed by? Who killed us and what did the soul murder look like?

How do we talk about it to ourselves and others? How do we live with it now? Is it a hungry ghost, or something else?

What do we need and want to make amends to ourselves? Is justice-seeking enough? Is it enough to seek healing connections through peer support or therapy or comradeship or love and renewal of life?

If we are to take responsibility for our own lives and agendas as survivors, having come through atrocity that nearly killed us and has killed many comrades, both directly in the institutions and through the impact of drugs, electroshock and trauma on our lives. Kidney failure, diabetes, cancer, suicide – some directly attributable to long-term impact of psychiatric abuse, others at least a contributing factor.

At this time more than 20 years after beginning work on the CRPD, 23 years after the founding of the World Network of Users and Survivors of Psychiatry, and we can count many other anniversaries – with the standards for change secured in the United Nations through the CRPD and its interpretations generated by the treaty monitoring body, including a call for reparations to survivors of institutionalization – I hope we can finally begin these conversations, in public or private or blogs.

 

Current state of the argument (Guess which)

The reason racism is discrimination is because of white domination and colonialism. Sexism is discrimination because of male domination and patriarchy. Transgender people are discriminated against when they face exclusion and violence based on their being transgender or gender nonconforming. 

But transgender discrimination, or transphobia, doesn’t have the same structural relationship to sexism that it does to racism, when we apply the principle of intersectionality. Transgender status defines a relationship between a person’s natal biological sex and their current identification or self-presentation to the world. There is a political disagreement between the position that transgender status changes a person’s sex-classification (or stated another way, that sex classification for legal and social purposes is a matter of arbitrarily assigned gender and has no inherent implications that concern human rights), and the position that sex-classification is a necessary legal and social underpinning for women as the female sex, or those born female, to claim the space and the authority to define ourselves and intervene in the world around us on an equal basis with the male sex which has collectively both defined itself as primary and suppressed and exploited us, our labor and our physical bodies, with the result of denying us even the space of our own selves. Sex classification under this position, which I endorse, is the political underpinning for women’s liberation movements and feminism. 

If you believe that transgender status changes sex-classification, that what we are really classifying is gender, which can be changed by a person’s self-identification or outward presentation, then denying male transgender persons (who identify as women) access to lesbian space and identity, to female-only sports teams and locker rooms and prisons, to female-only events and support groups, to female-only domestic violence shelters, to female-only consciousness-raising and social spaces, to complete affirmation of their male-born realities as part of women’s human rights and feminism, is a no-brainer. Of course they have a right to such access and those women who seek to deny them are mere bigots, like racists. Intersectionality is collapsed because women as the collective noun for persons of the female sex, have been made politically invisible, have been politically disappeared and suppressed.

If on the other hand, like me, you are female, lesbian, and deeply value the different intimacy you experience with other lesbians, other women, that is disrupted when a male person insists on his presence among us, welcome to a new reality of having no recourse and no political allies that can be trusted except for ourselves. Going to progressive events, demonstrations against war (such as Israeli genocide of Gaza), going to support groups, hell, all the other things that don’t affect me personally but that can affect any of us like going to prison or needing a domestic violence shelter (or hospital bed) – single lesbians, especially young ones newly coming out and seeking to date and find others like ourselves – all of this becomes a minefield. Do I hide what I feel and believe? Do I say it openly and wait to be thrown out? Do I walk on the margins? Do I quietly leave when it becomes clear that other women welcome a man as one of us? 

Many lesbians, like me, are also marginalized for other reasons and get used to being marginalized. Personally I seem to seek out places where I don’t expect people to be like me. It was an anomaly that I went to law school at CUNY which has the motto ‘Law in the service of human needs’ and I found others who cared passionately about human rights and also most of whom were working class. But the exclusion comes into every facet of life. It has affected my relationships in the human rights and disability/anti-psychiatric oppression work, not only on a personal level but certain people’s willingness to work with me or promote my work at all. (That seems to shift and change over time; I am never left entirely without space to work in, and this is also because my networks and scope of action is bigger than what the anti’s can do to me, at least for now. I don’t think they can erase me entirely even if they could manage to convince the whole community to go against me, because what I’ve done is integral to their own work. It matters less whether my name gets attached, though I will keep working as long as I can.)

So I’m here making a political and personal argument. 1) There is no good reason to elevate the transgender activist (or trans/queer, or trans feminism) position over the women’s liberationist one. They are arguments about how to approach the same reality. 

2) The suppression of our ability to talk about this argues in favor of the feminist position. If women had no political claim to being an oppressed sex class, surely we would be controlling media, universities, governments, and surely we would be able to defend ourselves against the violence that trans activists inflict on us when we do exercise our right to speak. Violence that becomes increasingly escalated. 

3) Does no one care about women’s pain? Women’s hurt feelings? The micro- and macro-aggressions against us? Are lesbians supposed to go back to being closeted, accepting whatever we can get on the margins, while male pornographers abuse our image and the rest of society gets off on it?

I think I know the answer to that last question. 

Birth is two, Death is one

I had this thought the other day – birth is always two people, two consciousnesses, two subjectivities, two essential participants. It is not a parallel to death. In death there is only one.

Why does this matter? Somehow the concept that birth is an activity or momentous event only for the person who is born, is just not correct and leaves out too much. We are not born alone, we are born to a mother, from her body and on her body. She relates to us immediately and we relate to her, as two separate beings now recently inseparable through a common blood supply. We remain interconnected from shared cells and blood and knowledge intimate of one another throughout our lives.

We come also into a world, with many more people, but two is the first number. It means that all other relations are also two. One comes later as we face ourselves, but that can also be two, a doubling of consciousness within oneself.

Because it is a mother through whom we come into the world, our heritage is always female and depends on women. Women’s centrality in and to the world stems from this fundamental fact. Coming into a world that is not newly born with us is inextricable from women’s existence and significance for human life. Patriarchy flattens that into women being part of a lesser form of being, which negates women’s own Being and natality as unique Existences in the world. It also aligns itself with death, as Hannah Arendt distinguished natality in birth, from mortality as the pursuit of war.

One can be a kind of resistance or insistence or defiance, one against the many or one distinguishing itself from the many. We need that both in facing our own inevitable death, and in navigating a weird world where two is a dangerous number, especially when it involves two women. Whether mother and daughter, or lovers, or sisters, or friends, patriarchy teaches us to be suspicious of one another, to fear the intimacy and the deep knowledge we might have as people who are connected ultimately through humanity’s womb within the natural and cosmic world, but who still need to come to know one another in our specificity. With all the risks involved.

I think it matters to accepting plurality and difference in the world. Hannah Arendt’s concept of natality is a treasured reference for me, and her view of it includes plurality. I had always read it as emphasizing a kind of bare newness, as if the newborn comes out into nothing, or emerges terrifyingly alone. Thinking about birth as plural from the beginning while death is singular does not mean giving up the sense of newness as new being. The miracle of natality that Arendt emphasizes (and that the poet H.D. also celebrated after the same war in her long poem Tribute to the Angels) is newness of being, in a sense witnessed from the perspective of observers, or of the mother. It is what I can experience with new breath, as well.

When I am acting as being, I need to engage immediately with the plurality and contingency as complement. With my matrix of relationality, all of what I am born into and create myself, or have created. The relationships in which I move through the world.

It is also within myself. It is heritage that lives within me and through me. The contingency is also Being, there is no separation except in how I experience it at any time. That I can experience myself as making choices in relation to my relationships, or in the context of my relationships. I can turn my consciousness in new directions and can see my relationships differently.

Seeing, hearing, witnessing, thinking about another person, wondering about their reality and trying to understand what they live as they live it, feels delicate and tentative. I know that is happening when I find myself surprised, knowing something I hadn’t realized about this person before.

The multiplicity of contingency, coupled with our essential nature as Being, allows us to forgive ourselves and others our mistakes and to accept imperfection. HD delves into this beautifully in Tribute to the Angels, with the flowering of a half-burnt apple tree and the unexpectedness of the sacred appearing of its own accord within everyday life. Confronting the burnt wood, all of what we find in our landscape that we might not have chosen in our idealized version of ourselves, all that is given and done as we are right now, is the other side of seeking the sacred.

The work to heal and rebuild is active and co-creative and requires conscious decision as well as letting go of control. When HD’s Lady appears and ‘the Child was not with her’… rather,

her attention is undivided,
we are her bridegroom and lamb;

her book is our book; written
or unwritten, its pages will reveal

a tale of a Fisherman,
a tale of a jar or jars,

the same—different—the same attributes,
different yet the same as before.
H.D., Tribute to the Angels (39)

and…

This is an active relationship with Spirit or Goddess, that feels similar to me, to what I think of as a typically Jewish approach to co-creation in questioning the divinity. If it’s a divinity you trust, you might not need to resist it, I don’t go for a divinity that wants absolute obedience or bowing down to its power… there can be too much passivity and allowance for caprice in that, too little acceptance of our own receptivity and conscience and our own Being-ness. The Jewish concept of ‘g-d’ contains both (questioning and absolute obedience/nothingness), but/and the relationship is a patriarchal one that doesn’t work for me. I don’t see the Christian one as better; HD though her poem is thoroughly Christian, is working through her own witnessing of spirit within that imaginary. What feels right though, is a kind of active relationship to deity that puts all our contingencies into Being, into dialogue with active Being. I can relate to Deity without being perfect, with all my flaws and seeking. And my flaws open to new realities that haven’t been here before. When I was seeking at an earlier time, I prayed for work to do that would use all of me. The CRPD work used my flaws as well as my strengths. As I later came to experience it. 

There’s a need to relate to one’s own actual imaginary with its culture and heritage as well as questioning it or allowing it to stretch – so though I can’t use the formula for Jewish prayers ‘Baruch atoh adonoy, asher kideshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu…’ or even change it to a female version (I don’t experience this as commandment that I’m obeying), I found myself this first night of Chanukah having the rhythm and cadence of the Hebrew in my mind to get to ‘l’hadlik ner shel Chanukah’. The next night or the one after, I made it active: ‘anachnu madlikim (should it be madlikot?) nerot shel Chanukah’…. and invoked ‘elat ha’esh’, Goddess/Lady of fire. So maybe part of my struggle, part of my flaws, is being a smart-ass, questioning, taking some things seriously and some things arrogantly flipping off, wherever it goes I am this kind of complicated Being with other equally complicated Beings.

Healing poems

despacio
despacio
when the world is unkind
and you find yourself all alone
here,
i am holding you
here, i am breathing with you
here, i am listening to you
here, i am washing you
here
we will walk together in this life
through woods and fields
there are flowers and bees and sun
there is a cat beside us
we will hold all between us
we will dream together with a love that blazes to the stars
and back again
we will sign this
for the future
the beauty
stonecrop with its little pink spore balls, millions of them in the shade
then reaching the place to go into the dark woods, down to the cove
where red maple on and on holds a space for
slanting sunlight on bleached reeds and spots of still, slowly rippling water
on which a few startled geese have stirred themselves
when i began to sing:
	i’m still standing
	they didn’t torture me to death
	though it may seem like something small
	though it may seem like nothing at all
	i’m still standing
to give myself choices knowing
i’m not that or that
my path has been a fitful one grasping after
what will put my soul at ease,
then to not grasp after ease itself
to live in the pathway unerring and sure without
a real map or guide, improvising
maps and guides from scraps left by others and in the end what’s most sure
is what comes up from beneath
the real growth after a lightning strike
where the scaffolding that is dead wood is shown
to be dead, not lost or found or wounded
and for a few minutes you can swim free,
in the light and dark




Esther story

thinking about my jewish upbringing in yeshivas. so much of that impacted me in ways that the feminist consciousness raising I transplanted myself into didn’t touch, nor did the left movements I joined or coming out as a lesbian.

paradigm of path for women was to be chosen as a wife then you’d have some power as a mother and keeper of the home. even though I was encouraged to get an education and do something more, that was imprinted beneath. maybe school impacted me in ways it didn’t my sisters, because more than they did I needed the stability in school, its reliability, as a refuge from my mother’s instability and her dependence on me at times as moral compass or at least sounding board.

girls were pressed into duty to serve women. that was true in my home and family. adult women had privileges that girls weren’t let into, seemingly not until you were married yourself. go fetch me this, then stay away. no transmission of knowledge except a candy-coated variety meant to inculcate me into accepting woman’s fate as a lovely fairy tale.

queen esther as the ideal, golden-painted crown, the star of purim. risking her life, putting her sexuality and life choices at the service of her people, too young to really know what it meant. a hero and a warrior.

some feminists rewriting stories called esther a scab and valorized vashti who refused to be prostituted to the king’s buddies. they should have embraced her as a warrior into the community of women, ululate the walls down.

saving her people did mean something. scabs can have their own haunted stories.

that means something to me because i identified with esther as a child, my hebrew name is esther (one of them) and i’ve played some of this out in my own life – not sexuality but service that has at times been sacrificial.

there is a temptation to shun the company of women, of ordinariness, when it’s offered and keep to the heights of imagined glory for service. or simply to continue on the path of service believing it’s needed. maybe that’s true or isn’t. but there’s a time to say, enough.

take off that mantle and be wrapped in the blanket of friendship, community, commonality. it’s not to say the service stops, only that it’s no longer demanded. no longer a wheel to be chained to exhausted. friendship, community, ordinary tasks, building the foundations.

Belonging

A root chakra thing. my belonging is to the earth and of the earth, a closeness that cannot be withdrawn because it is the condition of my being as flesh and blood. if and when she ends I end because that is the condition of my being, and I will give back to her because that is the condition my being.

unlike human connections, this one is not a judgment or criticism, it is infinite and compassionate in that my own acceptance is all that is needed to allow me to rest in it.

the heart can release what it no longer needs, any fantasy attachments or claims for legitimizing what cannot be delegitimized… to no longer argue or defend being as a ‘right’

the sense of persecution, all the negations and judgments just an illusion if I can stand strong enough in that root that enlivens me, nourishes me, comforts me and leads me home