Do You See What I See?

Ed, The Garden Gnome

Meet Ed, the Garden Gnome.

Ed is the newest addition to our front yard planter, and even though he may not show it, Ed is happy in his new home. Very happy, indeed.

You see, Ed was part of a Goople (a word meaning a group, as in a **gaggle of geese or a herd of buffalo) of Gnomes kidnapped by rebel Pixies and sold to our local Target Garden Center for ransom. Ed was freed from his unfortunate circumstances by an unsuspecting customer who thought she was merely purchasing a birthday present for me. She had no idea she was participating in the abhorrent practice of Gnome trafficking. Unfortunately, Ed’s story was buried on the back page of our local newspaper. If it weren’t for a little thing like our country’s economic meltdown, his story might have gone national.

At any rate, Gnomes being the stoic silent types that they are, it’s not surprising we’ve not been able to get Ed to explain exactly how he ended up waiting to be rescued from his Targetonian captivity, but here is what we do know:

Because all Gnomes have their family tree and birthdates tattooed on their backsides at birth, we have been able to establish that Ed is the third son, of a third son, born on the third day of the third month in the year 333 b.c. In Gnomian culture, that is considered very good luck. In fact, Ed was considered something of a celebrity in his home town of Legerdemain.

Ed’s drink of choice is whiskey. However, since whiskey has not been readily available here in his new digs, Ed has agreed to settle for hose water. Straight up.

Dictionary.com defines the word Gnome as “one of a species of diminutive beings, usually described as shriveled little old men that inhabit the interior of the earth and act as guardians of its treasures.” Ed refuses to substantiate the truth or error of such statements, but he does bristle visibly at the words “diminutive” and “shriveled”. After all, Gnomes have their pride, too.

Ed was raised by wolves in the forests of Legerdemain and was re-introduced into Gnomian civilization only five hundred short years ago. Although he eventually learned the Legerdemainian language and customs, Ed is most comfortable howling at the moon and running with the pack which he does every chance he gets.

Gnomeish Optic Efficiency Absenteeism

If you look closely, you can see that Ed suffers from a well-known Gnomian congenital birth defect called Optic Efficiency Absenteeism. In other words, Ed was born without pupils. This is a sad state of affairs, but thankfully, Ed has been able to compensate for his fallibilities by standing perfectly still most of the time.

Ed's New Digs

Welcome Ed. Welcome to our garden. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think Oprah is calling. Something about an interview?

**Gee Whiz Fact: When flying, a group of geese is called a flock, when not flying, a group of geese is called a gaggle. Go figure.