In the silent trench

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There are times in life when God truly feels distant. There is silence. There is a doubt that lingers.

I recently wrote the following to a dear friend in response to how I’m doing with all of the change in our new normal…

I’ve been reminded constantly lately that I was never meant to do life without Him, ahead of Him, or in his place. It’s hard to be at the end of yourself and there are more days that you’ll find me in a heap yelling, “Why!” Or wondering where He is in all of this. But then I’m reminded again that His timing is not mine. Does He always show up like the old Footprints poem. No, I don’t think so anymore. Does He always show up because we ask Him to? Nope. Does He sometimes choose to remain silent in our weaknesses, trials and struggles? Yep.

Sometimes we have to trudge and wrestle to become stronger.

Do I wish it wasn’t so? Absolutely. Do I know there is a purpose in all of this? I think I’m getting it -finally. Sometimes.

I’m learning ever so slowly, that I’ve always just relied on what I believe to be true without having a frame of reference to back it up.

That frame is now.

Have I had opportunities prior to now?

Yes.

But I truly believe that, while I thought I was letting Him lead me through, I was simply reassured that He had my back while I did it solo.

Hard realization at this point in my life.

I then came across the following words by two beloved authors…

When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with absolute silence. Not a silence of despair, but one of absolute pleasure because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. (Oswald Chambers)

When we hit a tough spot, our tendancy is to feel abandoned. In fact, just the opposite is true, for at that moment, we are more than ever the object of God’s concern. (Chuck Colson)

Which then lead me to the following passage of scripture in Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8…

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

So, this new normal? It’s hard. Really hard. One that is not for the faint of heart or those not willing to dig in their heels. It is something that requires more endurance than, on my own, I can muster. There has been a deep need for God to intervene, but I think I’m getting to the point of realizing that, in His silence, He has entrusted me with some of His greatest treasure.Image

The daily choice?  Make it grow or bury it in the sand.

Thus is my daily struggle.

A New Normal

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Two years. A lot can happen in that amount of time. A nation can be destroyed. A city can be rebuilt. A child can learn to walk. A family can be altered. Monumental moments. A new normal begins.

Two years ago we started down the uncertain path of adoption. Blindly we entered in, not knowing what the outcome would look like.

We have now gone through transition, and move-in day is nearly here. In many ways, this has looked different than what I had expected. We have had our share of bumps, bruises, and tears. And yet, in many ways this is all too familiar.

Beauty from ashes. Grace filled days. Laughter amid the noise. Smiles in the morning. Snuggles at night. Non-stop movement. Constant talking. Endless questions. One more story. One more song. One more time.

Exhausting? Yes. Worth it? Definitely.

It is well. And God is good.

 

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Changing Direction

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I am always amazed at how God works in our lives.

When we have finally…
given in; given up; let go of our wants and desires…
and begin afresh by seeking His complete will – this is when He shows up.

A summer of humbling circumstances; a change in direction; a focus toward another route.

All of these were refining. All of these brought us to where we are today. And I truly believe that, all of these, God intended to happen in order to prepare us for something bigger.

On Monday, we received an email stating that the children we had gone to committee for in June, had experienced a disrupted adoption. And we had been approved as the backup family.

Completely unexpected.

And as our minds were changing direction toward foster care, this news was a bit overwhelming.

I was asked by a dear friend, “Did you want them then?” (yes) “What is stopping you now?” (…..)

On Monday, we made a decision to continue. On Monday, we made a decision to alter our course. On Monday, God showed up and we said yes.

While we wait, God works behind the scene on our behalf.

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!” Psalm 84:11-12

What Now?

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So what do you do when you’ve invested time in prayer and the answer finally comes – but it’s not at all what you expected, because all along you were praying one way but secretly hoping for a favorable outcome?

Do you reevaluate? Do you resign? Or do you reestablish routine?

Remember. Why you started. Why you chose this path. Why you’ve put forth so much effort and energy. Pull up those bootstraps and keep moving forward.

All the while, trusting that He will answer in His perfect time.

Patiently Waiting

Posted on by under adoption, Family, parenting
“For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:24
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Patiently.

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Today was our adoption committee – and this is the message that I sent to family…
Funny how God moves sometimes.  I just listened to my messages and had received a call from our case worker while I was on my way to pick up the little lady from camp – no cell coverage.  There were 4 committee members and one director – the committee members came to a 2-2 split, so the director now gets the job of making the final decision.  She has 24 hrs. to decide, so we should find out the final decision sometime tomorrow. God never said that the ride will be smooth sailing, so we continue to hang on.
So I go back to the Word…
“Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, WE WAIT FOR IT PATIENTLY.”
24 hours isn’t all that long for a lifetime decision to be made, right?
Once again, we will wait for the answer.
Patiently.

Times are changing

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Sometimes we can get so caught up in what’s going on around us that it is hard to stay focused. Our fear of what is ahead – or the pain of what is behind – can blur our vision.

As I write today, I realize that it has been quite some time, so I need to backtrack.

We were waiting…

Waiting to hear back about committee and whether our family would be changed forever by the decision of a group of people.

What we thought at the time was misfortune, I now know as providence.

We were not the family chosen.  But knowing that we had prayed long and hard for these children to go to the home that they needed, as painful as the no answer was, I now believe with 100% certainty, that it was the right one.

What I have learned over the past couple of months is that so often in our prayers, we pray expecting the answer to be to our liking.  We pray, selfishly hoping that the answer will be in our favor.  But when it comes back as something different, we’re taken aback.  Shocked.  Surprised.  Broken.

God doesn’t work this way.

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

According to His purpose.  Not mine.

That being said, we head to committee again on Monday for a different set of children.  With a different outlook in our minds.

These are His children.  Knowing that and trusting that He works all things according to His purpose, our prayer hasn’t changed.

Only our hearts have.

We are fully trusting and believing that these children will go to the home that they need.

Whether or not it is ours, remains to be seen.

Anticipation

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This past September, we went to support Daddy while he was running the marathon.

It was mile 22.  And at the foot of the bridge we waited with great anticipation.  Our eyes strained at every red shirt that rounded the bend, wondering if that would be him.

He is a runner.  We knew his time.  This is a race that he has run before.

Another red shirt…

it wasn’t him.

Our hearts sank as we watched the man  in the suit run by.

The minutes clicked by like hours.  Our hearts beating in our ears.

And suddenly, there he was.

Behind on his time, but he was there like a beacon of light.

Our hearts rejoiced with his as he ran up the hill, around the final stretch, and out of sight to the finish line.

Anticipation. Defined as expectation; hope.

Hope.  A verb.  The action of looking forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence.

“… And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:2-5

We are rounding our corner.  On the final stretch.  Looking forward to the finish line.  Persevering.

We have been waiting.  Tuesday is our day.  The adoption committee meeting is set to gather, deciding the outcome of our journey.  And as we wait, we wait with anticipation; we wait with hope; and we wait with trust.Image

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But Hope

“But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:24-28

Adoption committee hearing set for January 29.

Lord, may my heart wait patiently in you.

The Waiting Room

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“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7

The snow to fall.  The rain to come.  The sun to rise…

“Wait for the Lord and keep his way.”  Psalm 37:34

A phone call.  A word.  An answer…

“I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer O Lord, my God.” Psalm 38:15

Letter to the committee done? Check.

Family album done?
Check.

Talk to the foster family done? Check.

All papers, background checks, and home study done?
Check.

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7

Waiting… not my strongest suit. However, I am called to wait.

And not only to wait, but to wait patiently.

Really? I’m pretty sure that I just said I lack in patience. And waiting.

Oh, but it’s not by my strength that I wait. It’s by His.

And so now, we wait.  And pray.
And pray.  And wait.

“Wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord.”  Psalm 27:14

Mary or Zachariah?

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Reading through the account of Christ’s birth, I am stuck by two separate responses: Mary, a  teenage virgin. Zachariah, an old married man.

Both will be impacted by a birth. Both births will impact a nation.

Both have questions.

One has aged doubts. One has youth-filled curiosity.

One is skeptical. One is full of trust.

How would I have responded?

As our adoption process continues,I find that I waver between the two.

Some days, I am like Mary, full of trust, believing that God is carrying us through.  All will work out according to His great plan. Focused on His ability.

Some days, like Zachariah, I am full of doubts, unsure how this will work. Doubtful that I can start over. Doubtful of my abilities. Focused on my inabilities.

Then I am reminded – this is not about me. This is not about my lack of abilities. My lack of patience. My lack of…anything.

I am reminded of Mark 9:24, “Lord,I believe, help my unbelief!”

May I choose the Mary response, “I am a servant of the Lord, let it be to me according to your word.”

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A day for Prayer

With a heavy heart (please click to read post by Jen Wilken of The Gospel Coalition)prayer-on-my-knees4

Today, I have a heavy heart.

Today, the lives of 20 children ended abruptly.

Today, a mother’s life was taken by the child she birthed.

Today, others were helpless to do anything.

I pray for those families.  I pray for those who were unable to do anything.  I pray for this small town who is feeling the pain of someone else’s sin.

I pray that somehow, someway, someday – comfort will be felt.

“Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you…”  1 Samuel 12:23

Updates are overrated

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Honestly, I am not much for blogging.  I would rather sit and chat over a cup of coffee than hover over a computer trying to figure out the best way to phrase something, only to edit it later.

I’m not near enough everyone for a visit to Starbucks on a regular basis, though, so I write.  Not very often, and maybe not very clearly, but I write.

To bring you up to speed – our home study was completed in September and since that time, we have added many hopeful children to our ever-growing list.

I will start with the home study.  I had heard horror stories (well, maybe not horror stories, but stories nonetheless…) But I feel so blessed.  We have a wonderful case worker, and so far, all has gone well.

We are now in committee (or, at least, I think we are…) for some children (yes, I said some, not one…)  This possibility is exciting and frightening all at the same time.

I have grown comfortable in my little corner with my kids, my dog, and my (nearly) clean home.  I have things organized (mostly) the way that I want them.  I have some quiet time to myself.  I can run errands without worrying about who is going to watch the kids.  And I’m not changing diapers.  We are generally healthy, my oldest can drive, the kids can all reach the top shelf (or confidently climb on the counter like their mom), and I don’t have to keep an eye on the number board at church to see if it’s my child who is raising a fuss in the nursery.

So why the change?  Why leave the comfort of the normal and shake up the peace?  For that I borrow from a piece I have read on the life of Nehemiah:

“Nehemiah refused to ignore what God was doing in his heart…which was to go back to Jerusalem to rebuild the wall. He could have continued to live in luxury in Persia, but Nehemiah’s heart was a thousand miles away…in Jerusalem. His heart was the heart of God.

I believe God is doing exactly the same thing in the hearts of His people today. And that includes you! He’s stirring your heart to do something for His glory.

God is calling you to step out of your comfort zone… to do the unusual thing… to do the counter-cultural thing… to make His kingdom great!

Now, please, don’t misunderstand me. You don’t have to be a pastor, a missionary, or a super-spiritual star or hero! All you have to do is have a heart for God… and a willingness to get out of your comfort zone.” (Jack Graham, PowerPoint Ministries)

Again, why?  Because I believe that whether it’s comfortable or not, God called us to this point.  He has chosen us for greater things than to sit back and relax.  He wants us to be a part of what He is doing.  And whether this is adoption or volunteering at the local food bank, we are called.  To serve.  To stretch.  To grow.  To go beyond ourselves.

How?  For that answer, I will choose to listen… and not be afraid.

“But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I.  Do not be afraid.” Matthew 14:27

the road less traveled

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

From the beginning, please.

Posted on by under adoption, Family

It occurred to me (just now!), that many who end up reading this blog may not understand the background.  The following is a letter that I wrote regarding our journey.

March 5, 2012

To Our Wonderful Friends and Family,

Yes.  It’s a letter from me… and if you know me well enough, you know that I don’t write often – if at all (outside of the internet 😉  So, please bear with me and read along…

As some of you know, we have been in the process of going through classes for adoption.  This
past week, we finished and are now awaiting a home study.  This has been a longer process for us to complete due to other circumstances over this past year, but to be able to say, “we’re done!” brings great joy – and relief J

What most of you don’t know is that this thought process has been in the works for some time now.  I can’t seem to remember the first time the word “adoption” came up in our family – but I’d have to believe it was while we were living in Lakewood (actually, it was probably when we said “I do”, but the serious talk didn’t start until much later!)  Originally, we thought about overseas – possibly Africa, possibly Russia.

We went to a class while we lived Washington.  I backed away.

We requested information from some other places.  I read some.  I backed away.

I’d do some research on the internet.  We’d talk.  I’d back away.

We’d pray as a family.  I’d back away….

Getting the picture here?

My heart was ready.  My head was not.

It seems that we have seen countless videos on overseas adoption, and each time, my heart aches – sometimes to the point where I can’t even stay in the room.

There was a point when it seemed many of our friends were adopting from Africa.  That was wonderful for them.  But my heart wasn’t there. Russia came to me when The Mr.’s parents had some kids visiting at their home – they were in their teens, and I believe they were adopted and from Russia.  I don’t remember when that was, but when we got back home, I contacted CWA (Christian World Adoptions) – at that time, they were doing adoptions only through Ethiopia and were just beginning to open up to Russia.  I had many back and forth conversations with them over time, and was just in the process of “gathering more information”.

As a family, we have had many conversations about this process – and the kids have prayed long and hard for another child to join our family through adoption.  For #2 and #3, it didn’t seem to matter where they were from, but it was after one of these conversations at the end of the last school year, that #1 spoke up and asked why we were looking overseas when there were so many kids here in our own state who were in need a home.

That thought provoking question is what propelled us into looking through DHS.

These classes were tough.  Not calculus tough, but life circumstances tough.

Personally, I have struggled for some time with the thought of bringing another child or sibling group from a struggling background into our family… am I a good enough mom?  Will the kids get along?  Is our family stable enough?  Is our home big enough?  What will this look like from the inside? What will this look like from the outside? Will I be able to love them as much as my three birth children?  How will I manage physically?  What will my days look like?  Can I really give them what they need?  How will we afford this?  So on and so on and so on…

I have come to realize that the answer to all of these questions is much the same as when we had #1.  That pregnancy wasn’t planned – but God knew it was the right time.  And He knew how it would all work out.  And He would give us the means and abilities to take care of him, as well as any other children we would be blessed with, no matter what their background.

Sixteen years later, we are doing very well.  Our children are well cared for.  We live in a wonderful home.  The kids attend an amazing school that enables us to school from home two days a week.  We are blessed to be a single income family which enables me to stay home with the kids.  We have two churches that we call “home” – one in Oregon and one in Washington.  We have an amazing network of friends and family across the United States and in other parts of the world that provide support, love, and laughter.  Most importantly, though, we love and support one another as a strong family.  And we feel that now God is leading us down the path to share that love and support with another child.

This letter, though good information, comes as a request to pray. Please pray for us as a family to stay strong and united.  Pray that the Lord would bring the right child (or sibling group) into our family.  And pray for protection through it all.

Though I love to write, I am not the best at blogging.  However, I will attempt yet another and keep it up to date with our progress.

Many Blessings from all of us,

The Mrs.

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The Call Back

Posted on by under adoption, Family

In my last post, we had just completed our finger printing extravaganza.  And the wait was on.

Recently, I received a phone call from our adoption class instructor letting me know that (Da-da-da-da!) – my paperwork was somewhere close to either the black hole or the abyss.

It was lost.

And I needed to go in and fill it out as soon as possible.

Oh, such is the life of a government employee.

Fortunately, it was not my entire file; only one sheet need be filled out again.  From here, I was told that we should hear from our case worker by mail.

Experience told me to expect the worst.

And wait.

We received the letter this past Thursday.  And a phone call today.

My prayer during this “waiting phase” has been for a light caseload for our particular case worker.

Today’s call was the answer.

She informed me that there were two other applications in front of ours.  But that one of those families is moving.

Okay.

She then told me that we should be able to begin our home study possibly by the end of next week.

Should.  Possibly.  Maybe.  Might.

Be still.  Wait patiently.  Hold on. Take heart.

I am sure that you can ask around and find that I am not exactly the most patient person, but I do understand that all of life is a process that takes time.

And so, again, I wait.

                                             Remembering that someone else is waiting too.

“Wait for the Lord;
     be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!”

Psalm 27:14

What Can Brown Do For You?

Posted on by under adoption, Family, parenting

Fingerprinting… an easy job, you’d think. Quick and painless, you’d assume.

Ink the finger – stamp the finger – roll the finger – clean the finger – next.

5… 10… 15 minutes max?

Not quite.

Maybe the UPS Store shirts should have tipped me off.  Maybe the lobby full of people waiting should have been cause for distress.

The things we endure to get something over with.

As for the 4:00 appointment scheduled only minutes from my house?

Let’s say that the untrained, licensed professional was able to get me home in time to pop dinner in at 6:00.

If UPS “does more than shipping” – I’d prefer taking my business elsewhere.

“What can brown do for me?”  How about sticking to what they do best.  Shipping.

And let me do my own finger printing next time around.

And so it begins…

Posted on by under adoption, Family, parenting

“That’s life I tell you, I can’t deny it. I thought of quitting baby, but my heart just ain’t gonna buy it. And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try, I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly.” ~Frank Sinatra

Oh, there are many days I feel that this is a strong possibility, I kid you not.  And as we enter into a new phase of life and parenthood, I am sure there will be many more.

As of this last week, we have finished our classes for adoption and are now awaiting the infamous “home study”.  I’ve heard stories.  As a creature of habit, this may be a bigger challenge for me than bringing a new child into our family.

In the process, we invite you to join us…  to laugh with us…  to cry with us…  to pray for us!

And if you happen to have a big bird… lend it to us.