Reasons why I should never have kids – Dog Edition

We’ve already established the fact that I’m a crazy dog lady in one of my previous blog posts. So here’s one more.

There are certain things that you can do with/to your dogs that you cannot with your children because it is immoral and in most cases, illegal.

Try these for example:

1.) SMACK THAT!:

All on your bum. Smack that, cause I’m your mum. Smack that, cause you’re so dumb. Smack that oh WOAH!

Why am I not a rapper yet?

If your dog does something naughty, you can totally smack him on the nose with a newspaper. Apparently it is illegal to smack children. Oh how badly I want to slap some of those kids out there, though. Like those kids who cry during long flights and at the movies. Why would you take your kids to a movie? THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND, CRAP. They took after your genes, hey? If only waterboarding was legal.

PS: I’m not a violent person, I swear.

 

2.) You fuss, I cuss:

Dear dog, if you do something naughty, I will smack you. HARD. But after I swear my a** off at you.

Can I do that to my kid? No. Why? Because those little nitwits talk back.

 

3.) Baby food vs. dog food:

You cannot feed your kid just about anything. But your dog? He will eat whatever you give him. If you eat in front of a baby without giving it to him, he will cry and create a snotty mess. But a dog? He will look at you with those big beautiful eyes so hopeful every step of the way that you will feed him.

 

4.) Hug a pug:

When you see something cute, your natural instinct is to hug that little creature so hard that you’re suffocating them with your love. You can totally do with dogs. Even puppies. But you cannot do with cute babies, can you?

 

5.) Trick AND treat:

Dogs love tricks and treats!! Aren’t they the best?!

You can do that with a kid. Only if you’re ready to clean the aforementioned snotty mess. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.

 

6.) Needy, not greedy:

Dogs are beautiful creatures who are vulnerable and needy. So are kids. But those little annoying pieces of “bae” are greedy.

“Dear hoomans, please feed me and cuddle me. I don’t ask for anything else.” – Doge.

 

7.) Woof woof:

One of the main reasons I love being around dogs is because they can never speak. EVER. Thank you God for these lovely four-legged angels. But babies cry all the time. Yes, sometimes dogs can be a little annoying too. In which case you know, smack them and cuss at them. Do that to a baby and he ends up crying louder. I rest my case.

It’s not that I hate babies or anything. I love babies. Just not all the time. But dogs will always have my heart 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year.

WHY I’M NOT AND WILL NEVER BE WIFE MATERIAL

So when I was in India during last month, the topic of marriage came up. Pretty much from everyone except my friends. Just when I thought entering my 20s would finally make my life better. #StoryOfIndianWomen Somebody, please take me back to high school!!

Anyway, that got me wondering if I’ll ever be a good enough wife to the extremely lucky man I MIGHT marry one day. But then again when you try to list good things about yourself, your damn brain suddenly INSISTS and comes up with reasons as to why you’re a horrible human being, instead.

So here we go! Why I’m not and will never be wife material:

1.  Rebel trouble:

You tell me not to touch that? I will. You tell me not to sit there? I will. You tell me not to do that? I will. I’m 21 and I’m still a rebel. Is that alarming to anyone?

2. “I do”:

PSYCHE! Trust me, when I say “I do”, I DON’T! Before I go on, let’s take a second to relive the beautiful show that was Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Bottom line, I’m a commitment phobe. The only thing I can commit to in my life is my career. And dogs. Another human? I’ll pass.

3. SkinnyMan:

I cook rarely. Not that I’m bad at it. It’s just too much work. If I do however cook, my hypothetical future husband will not have anything to eat. Because I will inhale it before he gets a chance to even look at it. How lucky is he?!

4. Bed Hogger:

I not only hog food, I hog the bed. I sleep next to my things. My laptop, my book, my phone, my bag, you name it and it’s there on my bed. I mean, come on! My things need their sleep too. Don’t be selfish, my dear non-existent future husband. And on the rare occasion my things DO sleep in their respective places, I end up sleeping in the middle of the bed.

5. Messi(y) girl:

I’d love to have been Messi’s girl but sadly I’m a messy girl. You think my room is messy? HA! You should meet my soul.

6. Freakazoid meets creepazoid:

I’m not talking about me and the imaginary lucky man. I’m talking about myself. I have two personalities. (Or more. God knows. I’m an overachiever. Judge me.) Only my close friends know about it. My family does not. I don’t think they’ll be able to handle that. Husband = family, no? *waves goodbye to the imaginary lucky man*

7. Lazy like crazy:

I’m lazy. Worry not, things will get done. In the magical and mythical land of Tomorrow. Thank God it’s not real like the Unicorn Land.

8. Forever PMS:

I’m always PMS-ing. ALWAYS. Mother nature, are you reading this? You can now stop making me bleed to death every month. You can also stop the nausea. And the cramps. And the constipation. Just holla at me on Facebook to let me know I’m not pregnant? No? Okay.

9. Female Joffrey Baratheon:

Sometimes I get in that “I do not care” mood and all I want is to watch the world burn up in flames. But unlike Joffrey Baratheon, I want that for the right reasons. It doesn’t last that long though. (Damn it!)

Time really does fly by when you’re listing down all your positive qualities, hey? Real talk though, I really am a nice person. Or at least that is what the mirror tells me everyday. Either that or “you look like blobfish, put some makeup on.” I dare you to Google that.

 

I AM PISSED

Not as much as you, I know. But hear me out. I was on vacation last month. I landed in Perth last Tuesday and did not have a laptop for a week. (Thanks big bro!) Also I’ve got my period now. Fun fact, PMS and periods are completely different things. Feel awkward yet? Yeah well, deal with it! I’m kidding. I’m sorry for not posting for a while now. But hey, I’m finally back!

That’s not why I’m pissed off though. I’m pissed off about what I’ve been reading on the news and Facebook for the past few days. So without further ado, here is what I’m pissed off about and why. I am not going to sugarcoat anything, so bear with me please. (Or is it bare with me? I forgot. Either way, RIP English.) However, just to lighten the mood I’m going to quote George Carlin for each point I list down. (Or maybe, it might just make it much worse. In which case, you know.. Meh.)

1.) What happened in France is horrible. The happenings around the world last week is horrible; bombings in Baghdad and Beirut, Earthquake in Japan. Here is my problem. Just because the media doesn’t hype up the disasters that took place in other parts of the world, does not mean that YOU have the right to take away the sadness that people are feeling for France right now. YOU do not have the right to tell who gets to feel sad and who doesn’t. So just shut up and sit down you carbon based life form. (Adam Ferrara’s words. Not mine.)

“We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.”

2.) Stop blaming refugees. We are all refugees. Except now there is a fancy word for it; “immigrants”. Come by a boat without a Visa and you’re a refugee. Come by a flight with one and you’re an immigrant. We’re all running away from something. What you ask? Life and truth.

If you still live in your country and think “what is she talking about?”, think about this; if God created this planet, aren’t we all refugees on Earth now? The Earth doesn’t belong to us. Dinosaurs “killed” to survive. Humans “murder” for fun or because “God said so.” Dinosaurs lived on it for 65 million years. “Modern” form of humans have lived on this planet for approximately 200000 years. Look at what we’ve done to this one beautiful planet that “God” left for us? How long do you think we are going to live if we keep going on like this?

“The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are!
We’re going away. Pack your sh*t, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed.”

3.) The Facebook profile picture. Alright, so you agree it doesn’t help anyone right? So why do you want the same for other countries going through the same disasters? Double standards much? And yes maybe it doesn’t help anyone financially but it does help that the world is coming together to support each other. Isn’t that what’s more important? Emotional support? Yes. Perhaps the media does not hype up what is happening in every other part of the world, but think about this for a second; do you actually think that everything you read is actually true? At the end of the day, media is just business. Deal with it.

“All media and the politicians ever talk about are the things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.”

4.) Those of you who don’t believe actually believe in or practice any religion, PLEASE stop “praying”. Stick to your belief, folks. Don’t just “pray” because the hashtag says so.

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

Also, the very concept of religion is to come up with a way of living, to further better humanity, but guess what? Religion is a business too now. Religion – 1, business – 1, bullsh*t – 1, humanity – 0.

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

5.) STOP BLAMING THE MUSLIMS, DAMMIT! Do you actually believe that terrorism ONLY involves a bunch of imbeciles whipping out guns and shooting people? Terrorism exists in every form, people.

Pablo Escobar was a drug trafficker who was responsible for many deaths. Do we call him a “terrorist”? No. We call him a “DRUG LORD”. Was he a Muslim? No. Adolf Hitler was a Nazi dictator. Yes, because that is what you call someone who massacred approximately six million Jews in cold blood. No, no. You don’t call him a terrorist. If someone else does it, it’s “mass murder” or “genocide” or “slaughter” or “massacre”, but if a Muslim does it (even if he murders ONE person) he’s a “TERRORIST”?! F*CK YOU, ENGLISH. F*CK YOU, MEDIA.

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

Come on people, we’re all educated human beings here. Please think before talking (or in this case, typing. Cause we’re all fancy now). Act, don’t react. Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement. If you can be emotional and still think rationally, by all means, go ahead.

I sincerely pray for the souls of everyone who had to give their lives to something so useless and pathetic. I also pray for the families and friends of the victims. My condolences.

DEAR DAD

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was born a girl. I’m sorry you get constant heart attacks every time I step out of the house regardless of whether it is morning, noon or especially at night. I’m sorry I wear the clothes of my choice. I’m sorry that I’m stared at by lecherous men every time I’m outside. I’m sorry I disagree with you sometimes. I’m sorry I argue with you a lot. I’m sorry that I want to follow a different religion now. I’m sorry for not following what society wants me to follow. I’m sorry for not following what you want me to follow. I’m sorry I have friends you do not like. I’m sorry I go to places you do not like. I’m sorry I eat certain foods that you don’t want me to. I’m sorry I spend a lot of money. I’m sorry that I’ve wasted a lot of money on useless things. I’m sorry that I’ve made bad choices. I’m sorry I’m going to continue making choices you may not like. I’m sorry for not listening to you most of the time. I’m sorry I have certain bad habits that you do not like. I’m sorry you are now going to have to pay dowry for my wedding (which I will not allow). I’m sorry for keeping my room messy all the time. I’m sorry for not having my life sorted out even though I’ve reached legal age now. I’m sorry I’m extremely sensitive. Most importantly, I’m sorry I grew up.

Thank you. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for giving me an education. Thank you for letting me speak up my mind. Thank you for giving me freedom. Thank you for raising me to be independent, just like my brother. Thank you for teaching me how to fight for what is mine. Thank you for always believing in me even though I gave you so much to doubt for. Thank you for all my needs. Thank you for all my selfish wants and luxuries. Thank you for putting up with me even though I’m extremely hard to deal with sometimes. Thank you for letting me make mistakes even though it hurt you. Most importantly, thank you for letting me live my life.

My earliest memory of you is when I was 4. I was asleep and having a nightmare. Naturally I started to cry. I still remember how you carried me and held me so tight and told me, “Everything is going to be OK.” I stopped crying and went back to sleep in two minutes. I’m waiting for the day I can finally hug you and tell you the same.

Please know, that I’m all you. I look a little like you, but character wise, I’m all you. I’m headstrong like you. I’m ambitious like you. I’m stubborn like you. I’m persistent like you. I care like you do. I love like you do. I’m passionate like you. I argue like you. My temper is like yours. I stand up for what I believe in and protect everything and everyone I love, just like you do. It is no wonder mom looks at me and says, “You’re 100% like your dad.” Why does she say this, you ask? Because mother knows best! And who taught me this? Why, you did daddy. Not by your words, but by your actions. That’s how kids learn. Please know that no matter what choices I make in my life, how much we butt heads; you’ll always be the only man I can truly ever love.

Forever and always,

Your baby girl

HOW TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE

This is my face when somebody gives me food:

pug_dog_face_happy_protruding_tongue_57706_2560x1600

And this is my face when people ask me what I want to be when I grow up: (Apparently I’m already a grown up.)

sad dog

Peepul, y u do dis?

*AHEM* Excuse the doggy language.

As young adults, we’re all expected to know what we want out of life. But then there are so many people out there though who have no idea what’s going on around them. So much so that you probably wouldn’t realize if a zombie apocalypse broke out and one of them is eating your face right now. If you’re one of those people, you’ve come to the right place.

Here’s some advice from a young woman whose life is so messed up that I sometimes struggle to even open a water bottle. Seriously, true story. WHAT? I GET BLISTERS! Yeah okay, maybe I’m a little weak physically but I can emotionally slay you. I can crap all over your heart, don’t test me! Not that I would ever do that, because you’re all so lovely!! Just don’t eat my pizza or Nutella okay? Note to self; I’m super deluded.

  • Eschew spree:

The first step to figuring out what you want out of life is to obviously figure out what you DON’T want. Ask yourself, “what is the type of jobs that I don’t see yourself performing?”. Maybe you don’t want to be a 9-5 type of person. Maybe you hate the physical restrictions of a workplace. It could be a lot of other things that you hate doing.

  • A walk to remember:

Take a trip down memory lane. Every kid has something that he absolutely loved doing. You would’ve been good at it no matter what. There’s always that one hidden talent. Now I know some of you are looking at this post like “NO I DON’T YOU IDIOT BOX”. If you’re doing that right now, I say stop! Walk down memory lane again. Due to the increasing peer pressure, even if one person had criticized that ability you possessed, it is very possible that you might have blocked it.

  • Villainy epiphany:

AH! The sudden realization of that hidden talent of yours. Beautiful huh? No. That sudden realization is horrible for two reasons:

  • “WHY DIDN’T I REALIZE THAT EARLIER?! I’VE BEEN WASTING ALL MY TIME!!”
  • “What if I don’t do that anymore because I was actually bad at it? What if I’m still bad at it?”

Which brings me to my next point…

  • Wanderlust thyself:

Take a chance for once won’t you? Think about it. Give that beautiful hidden talent another chance. But here’s the catch, let go of all your inhibitions and give it your absolute 100%. Work on a prototype maybe. For example, if you love making music, make a rough piece.

  • Precise advice:

Show your work to that one friend who will be honest with you no matter what. Like straight up, I’m talking about that one friend who will call you ugly on your face when you haven’t done your eyebrows for a very long time. Or for you men, that one friend who tell you truthfully that your d*ck is small or something. I don’t know how you men roll, I’m sorry.

  • One-person show:

Go fly my beautiful birds. The world is your stage! People are going to try and break you no matter what anyway. So might as well give them an actual reason to break you right?

  • Feedback = Your total beeswax:

Pay close attention to the feedback you receive. There may be some people out there who are just Jealous (with a capital J) of you. Ignore those bees. They’ll go away if you don’t pay heed to them. And guess what? Even if they do sting you, they’re going to die anyway. Concentrate on the queen bees and their feedback because that is what really matters.

  • HUSTLE!:

What the hell are you waiting for? Go hustle hard! Go hard or go home.

Eat. Sleep. Hustle. Repeat.

TYPES OF PEOPLE AT EDM CONCERTS

EDM concerts are fun. SUPER FUN! For many reasons which I do not wish to reveal because my parents might read this. Yes mom, I’ll be back by 12. No dad, it’s a tube crop top.

Anyway, as a girl who has been to a few EDM concerts, here are the types of people I came across:

  • The eye rapists:

So you walk out of your car into the concert area all confident and ish feeling fan-f*cking-tastic, but then suddenly you feel chills down your spine. There they are. Standing in a gang. I want to call them animals but that would be such an insult to those poor creatures. So these imbeciles are just standing there and removing your clothes with their eyes one clothing item at a time. I have two words for you d*ckholes. STOP IT.

  • The people train:

You know those whole bunch of people who start running next to you like a train in such a way that they’re squashing your dreams or something just to get in the front? So annoying.

  • The volcano exploders:

Those people who drink SO much that they puke and create a nasty smelly mess. What’s worse is that it’s so dark that you have NO idea what you’re stepping on. I’m still scared to check the bottom and the insides of my boots.

You know what people? It’s okay to drink. But not so much that you have no idea what’s happening around you. Are you telling me that you spent a lot of money to watch a concert ONLY to get there and waste MORE money to make sure that you don’t even REMEMBER the concert the next day? I’m just looking for some consistency here. Poor George Carlin died without even getting that.

Don’t be an idiot. Go Green.

  • The possessed:

The people who do not how to dance so when they do dance it’s like they’re possessed by someone or something. Or like someone out there is controlling them with a voodoo doll.

GUILTY AS CHARGED!

  • The *bang bang banggity bang I said a bang bang banggity bang* squad:

HIMYM reference! That song is SO catchy.

Those all-guy or all-girl squads who come to the concert thinking that they’re going to get laid only to go back home and realize that their right hands are their best friends/lovers/booty calls/one-night stands. You get what I mean.

  • The “Yups”:

That high-school or college friend you haven’t met in a very long time. That feels when you hug it out when you see them. Nothing like it!

Also there are more of these “Yups” at the concerts but somehow you don’t have the luck to bump into them all. Which brings me to my next point…

  • The “Nopes”:

Fate is a horny b*tch who wants to screw you in every single way possible. Sometimes even if you do not want it. I’m always a victim of Murphy’s Law. (Google it, lazy bums!) Just kidding. Murphy’s Law states that “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

You know that ONE person who you do NOT at any cost want to see? Because you’re not even going to say hi to him/her? Because they’re HORRIBLE human beings? Like I don’t know your ex-best friend’s ex-boyfriend who you hated even they were dating? Just saying.

  • The cuddlers:

You know those couples who are so drunk that they have no idea what’s happening and instead of facing the DJ, they’re hugging and cuddling each other and facing AWAY from the DJ and SLOW DANCING to the songs?! What a waste of money. You could have done that at home for FREE.

  • The creepazoids:

You know those guys who’re always around you? Dancing and giving you those looks like “dance with me”? They’re always there in the area where you are but they’re always behind you. Like they expect you to suddenly lose it and grind on them or something like that? I know exactly what you have to do during situations like this. Pretend you’re dancing and dance your way into hitting him in the lower abdomen with your elbow. If that’s too extreme, go for his gut. Temporary chemical/hormonal castration either ways. Too dark, I know. Don’t blame me. Blame him. Why? Cause “he asked for it.” That’s why.

  • The iries:

The stranger darlings! Those men/women who would stand up for you even if you don’t know them and stop the wrongdoings of the creepazoids. Thank you! We really need more people like you at concerts.

  • The pogo sticks:

It’s kind of similar to the possessed, but a little different. These people do not know how to dance and think that jumping is the same thing as dancing. That’s totally fine. Just don’t jump on my pretty boots. I’m already in denial about what the volcano exploder puked onto them. Don’t make me hit your face.

  • The colliders:

There are many types of colliders. The ones who barrel into you on purpose, the one who gets pushed onto you by their friends, the people trains, the pogo sticks and the drunk messes. Again as a victim of Murphy’s Law, all of the above has happened to me.

 

Having listed all that, I really did have an amazing time with my high school bud at the Skrillex concert, Bangalore!

Cheers to the nice people who were there.

THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE A LONG LAYOVER – AIRPORT EDITION

So, there are many of us out there who cannot afford (more often choose not to spend on) flight tickets. Usually when that happens, there could be a layover for a long duration. As a student studying in Australia, there are no direct flights back home to my city in India. Two days back, I had to travel by Air Asia and had an eight hour halt at Kuala Lumpur Airport and these are the things I did or wish I did (and by that I mean afford. But hey, I’m not complaining really!)

  • Blow up your wallet:

I wrote that and then my brain started thinking. And now I don’t want to change it because it’s way too convenient for me. (You get it? Blow up? You know what I mean? No? OK.)

When I left KL airport I had 0 Australian Dollars or Malaysian Ringgits on me. Yes, that’s right. ZERO. Where did it all disappear you ask? Well, it WAS in my tummy. And now…

  • Be a loco hobo:

Since I’m an extremely awkward person, the best talent I have is to make others feel awkward too. You don’t believe me? I’ll give you an example of how awkward I can be.

Person: Hey!

Me: I’m good. How are you?

Person: …..

Yeah. That’s me. Can I top that you ask? Why, yes I can. And I did. I had to charge my phone and the wall socket was at the bottom behind a pillar. At first I did start off by standing there for a while. But then my legs gave up on me. So I sat down for a while and my butt gave up on me. So I went all hipster and laid down using my laptop bag as a pillow. It doesn’t end there. People freaked out when they found me lying down on the floor because it was a blind spot. What did I do? Give them creepy smiles of course.

  • Hype it up on Skype/Snapchat Stories:

Skype a friend when you’re in your loco hobo state. That way you satisfy your need to make one more person awkward is satisfied. INTERNATIONALLY. Hey! At least you make him/her laugh!

Also update your Snapchat stories. Imagine the amount of people you’d be making awkward. *AHEM* Moving on…

  • Scatter and chatter:

Go around to different stores. Talk to people. Window shop. Give the employees false hope that you’re going to buy something but don’t buy it. Find people who speak the same language as you. Bond with them. Do all this while being your awkward self.

  • Stranger non-danger:

Help out a stranger. Maybe lend your universal adapter to someone at the airport in the hopes that they would return it back. (Thank you kind stranger! And you’re welcome.) See? Not all strangers are bad.

  • But first, let me take a selfie *starts dancing*:

Take selfies. Take pictures in general. LOTS OF THEM. Random pictures of anything and everything. Selfies of you doing awkward poses. Weird, creepy poses. In front of people. While they’re staring at you like you’re some kind of a creepy alien.

Here are a list of things I wish I did:

  • Pamper tramp:

I wish I could have gotten a nice massage but there’s no way in hell or heaven I’m paying 75$ for one. Unless of course it’s my own money. But I’m not earning at the moment, so vagabond I shall be until I do start earning.

  • Visit the city lah!:

I would have loved to visit the city, but you need a transit visa if you’re an Indian. Again, no money. It was in my tummy. Oops!

Let’s hope my next long transit visit turns out to be better than this. But really, can anything top this list though?

TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED

If only the Death Note was real. Why? This is why:

  • The shower bluffer:

Sometimes you get in the shower, turn it on and wait for the pressure of that hot steamy water or cold Antarctic water; whichever way you roll. Instead, the pressure is acting up in a different place now. Oh yes, you know what I’m talking about. That urge to pee. Of course you don’t want to step out of that cozy shower because it has accepted you as one of its own. So what now? You pee in the shower. That’s totally OK you know. You know what’s not OK? LYING about it. Don’t Pinocchio your nose.

  • The dog misanthrope:

Yes, I know the meaning of misanthrope. But according to me, these creatures are human beings trapped inside adorable little bodies. They’re much more human than we’d ever be. And you know what? It’s OK to hate dogs (Although if you do, I don’t trust you). But just leave them alone and don’t harass them, please? In fact don’t harass any animal. Except reptiles and slimy things that can kill you. Kill them, kill them all. RIP, Steve Irwin.

  • The lover shifter:

If you’ve had more “serious relationships” than the amount of people who have died on the Game of Thrones, you need to take a step back and check yourself. (I’M TALKING TO YOU DAVID BENIOFF!)

  • Mr./Ms. Messiah complex:

Save people. But not at the cost of believing that you’re God. You do not have to save everyone. Even God cannot save everyone. And if you still think you’re God, just sit there until that feeling goes away because if you cannot Super Saiyan, then you’re not God, OK?

  • Team misogyny:

It’s just so not OK to hate an entire race of species for absolutely no reason or because one or two of us f*cked you over. If you still want to hate, go ahead and carry all that damn weight on your chest. Although remember; you can hate us but you can never hurt us.

  • The clingons:

Urban dictionary says that the meaning of clingons and I quote is “Those little pieces of sh*t that remains on you’re a** after you wipe yourself”. Just substitute “those little pieces of sh*t” with human beings. I have no respect for people who are clingy even after someone treats them like crap. For the love of Nutella, just get some self-respect and move on. Because clingy behaviour is ANNOYING.

  • The porn disciple:

It’s one thing to like porn. It’s another to even love it. But to believe that porn is real and that’s what happens or should happen in real life is just downright Alex and his droogs kind of behaviour. And I hope people like that actually do get subjected to the Ludovico technique. *plays Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony*

  • The elephant inside a mouse:

Those of you who eat and never gain weight, where do you Evanesco all that ish?! Did you hide all that fat behind that Rita Hayworth’s poster? TELL US, WE WANT TO KNOW!

  • The Nuticorn non-believers:

I’m of the delusion that Nutella and Unicorns are my true loves. And they’re both as real as they can get. Also, the Nuticorn dropped me in my mom’s lap and that’s how I was born. If you diss Nuticorns, then I trust you as much as I would have trusted Jeffrey Dahmer.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have Nutella while riding my unicorn.

Words/Phrases which should be extinct

George Carlin, a man who I consider to be the father of stand-up comedy said this,

GC

And I agree, it’s not the words that matter, it’s the person who uses it as well as the context in which it is being used. But off late there are a few words/phrases that are being overused.

Without further ado, here’s a list of words/phrases that we need to stop using and throwing around so callously.

  • “I raped it”:

Somehow over the years, the word “rape” has been thrown around way too carelessly to convey a sense of accomplishment. Rape is horrible and traumatizing and it has effected/is effecting both men and women.

Alternative: “I DID IT!” or even “I NAILED IT!”

  • “Non-consensual sex/Consensual sex”:

There’s an oxymoron! This phrase needs to die. If a woman or a man doesn’t agree to have sex with you, then it’s rape.

Alternative: Non-consensual sex – Rape

Consensual Sex – Sex

  • “Don’t be a p*ssy”:

Since when did having a p*ssy show weakness or fragility? We all have our strengths and weaknesses. One gender need not be put down to portray weakness. No, I’m not a FemiNazi. Yes, I’m a feminist.

Alternative: “Don’t be a coward.”

  • “Grow a pair of balls”:

BW

Enough said.

Alternative: “Be brave.”

  • “Like a girl”:

“You throw like a girl”, “You walk like a girl”, “You talk like a girl”. Oh ok, I get it now, you men are complimenting us, right? Thanks! But if you aren’t well then you know, stop it.

Alternative: “Like a human being.” Or better yet, “Like a unicorn.” Because unicorns are awesome!

  • “Boys/Men don’t cry”:

They do. Accepting weakness is what makes you strong. Real men cry. And they cry their hearts out and they mean it. In front of the right people.

Alternative: “Human beings cry.”

  • “Abortion is murder”:

Abortion:

Noun

“The deliberate termination of a human pregnancy, most often performed during the first 28 weeks.”

Murder:

Noun

“The unlawful premeditated killing of one human being by another.”

Just so that some of you crazies out there who didn’t know the difference.

Alternative: “Abortion is abortion.”

  • “Periods? Ew.”:

Ew? You have no idea. You think it’s fun for us? It’s like the red wedding down there for 4-7 days. (GoT reference and all that jazz) EVERY.FREAKING.MONTH. So how about you men be more sensitive while we’re enjoying the wonder that mother nature has to offer us?

Alternative: “Here. Eat this chocolate”, “Want a massage?”, “Do you need me to buy pads/tampons for you?”

The last one is SO sexy. Say that and you might just get lucky. No, don’t cringe. Real men don’t fear the Red Sea.

  • BAE:

According to many of you idiots, BAE = Before Anyone Else.

But in the Danish language, BAE = poop.

Unless you’re actually addressing your “Before Anyone Else” as “poop”, please stop.

Alternative: “Baby”, “Sweetie”, “Love”, “Darling”. I could go on, but you get my point. You know what’s even better though? THEIR NAMES.