Out from hiatus?

/ theawkwardsocialite / 1 Comment

Folks, I have been drowning in depression. So much so, I forgot I even had this account. Recently however, I’ve been perking up (thanks to new meds and good weather), I can feel again and it’s magnificent. I want to do so many things like read books, write poetry, even go to summer festivals. It feels nice to feel alive again, to have a will to live, and I look forward to writing on WordPress again!

I hope everyone else is doing well to, and if not I hope this can be a safe space.

Much love

Until next time, Cass

Letter of Resignation.

/ theawkwardsocialite / 3 Comments

That’s right, your girl quit her job! Now, I’ll tell you the story as it is quite something, but first I want to just check in.

I feel happy. I feel a warranted sense of freedom. The freedom to be human and make my own choices. At times I have been in headspaces where I doubt myself relentlessly. So, on December 2nd, 2021, I decided I was going to resign for my job. I decided I had fought good and hard enough and I needed a break. And it took me breaking down…to truly understand that I needed a real break. I am quite aware you cannot just call Carte Blache and take a hiatus from life. Do I have a clear pathway paved just yet? No, I am resting. I am unemployed., plain and simple But I have always had a goal I have always had a plan.

So, I resigned after 6 years with the company I thought was my saving grace (and it was, during that time) and it became my biggest restraint. I felt I could not breathe when waking up, driving to and walking into that building. I sent that email, and it was as if an elephant lifted its foot of my chest (Thank you for that analogy, Anne Hathaway). It was the most liberating feeling of my life, and I knew I did not have a path paved, but I was giving myself the opportunity to create new ones. So, I am here, an open book. A fearless human with a goal and a plan and the ability to see a plethora of new, exciting, challenging and amazing opportunities.

I thank you for being here and I enjoy reading your comments, meeting new followers and following new pages! Thanks for making this a safe space to be human<3

Until next time,

Cass.

Things will never be the same… and that’s okay -L.A.

/ theawkwardsocialite / 3 Comments

Well hello WordPress… it has been a long six and a half months. I couldn’t possibly recap all of it but in the past month my depression has become almost unbearable and to say I’m putting on a smile everyday would be an understatement. My mother relapsed on a hard drug, my year plus long relationship ended and honestly guys I am just lost. I am questioning everything about my life from my job to my diet choices. I’m stuck and to be frank I am scared, of the past and the future. I guess this is the first time I’ve truly been present because there is nowhere else to run. Still, somehow I have this spark for life. I want to try new things from new foods to new perfumes. I can’t say I am anticipating meeting new people or beginning new relationships because of all the sparks still alive in me, love is not one of them. Love is an enigma that I do not wish to unfold anymore for now. So, If you’re still here I’d love to hear from you. How have your last six and a half months been?

Until next time,

Cass

Depression is one hell of a drug.

/ theawkwardsocialite / 3 Comments

I am not unfamiliar with melancholy. I do not thrive in it, I spend hours, days, months just trying to survive it. I miss calls, I scroll aimlessly, writing my one true love is absent. I miss being alive, living this crazy, gorgeous and tumultuous life. I miss taking pictures of rain drops on leaves in the fall and the spring. Poolside vibes and laughing with the girl I’d trust with my life. I miss feeling my heartbeat outside of a panic attack in my work place bathroom. I miss feeling alive…

Until next time,

Cass ❤️

The danger of loving too much…

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The idea that a relationship should be 50/50 is a good one on the surface. In reality though, it should be 100/100. Most people only give what they have to, what they can get by with giving. Others give entirely too much, carrying the entire load on their fragile back trying not to lose a person who hardly wants to be there.

That love: the unrequited, the underappreciated and overcompensating comes from a deeper place. It is a cry and a search for validation. “I will give you everything and all I ask is you give me in return the things I need” But those needs are the bare minimum. You should not have to run yourself into the ground for someone to stick around and value you for all the incredible and unique things that you are.

These relationships have . You give 100% always tying to get what you deserve and they give a sliver to get the things they do not deserve. It is a vulnerable place to be in. On the outside it looks ridiculous. We live in a strange society where this vulnerability is seen as a weakness, you know, “a pick me, a simp, a clown” Are they though? Is it fair to taunt a person whose only fault is giving the right kind of love to the wrong kind of person.

Take care and until next time,

Most people fall into these relationships trying to appease their inner child, the one neglected by parents, bullied in school, conditioned to believe they have to fight tooth and nail to make someone love them. It is definitely a faultless imperfection that will continue in cycles and for generation if it is never addressed. There is a deep danger in loving too much, blindly and most of the time with far too much allegiance to another human being. No one should ever allow you to love them more then you love yourself and that included you not allowing it either. We all know that “how you love yourself is an example to other of how to love you”. Never run yourself into insanity trying to make a person love you but overcompensating love in a relationship because that same love you are trying so hard to give, you are worth receiving. And if you need a reminder here is a poem I wrote about it.

Take care and until next time, Cass.


You deserve a love that complements you not completes you.

A love that wants you as much as you want it not one that conveniently needs you.

A love that you never have to question if it’s real or if it will up and leave you. 

A love that finds you as you are flaws and all and never tries to change you.

You deserve a love so profound and true you won’t sit in fear wondering if it will break you.

Because that love you’re trying so hard to give, you’re worth recieving.

You deserve a love that leaves you dancing with life not one that leaves you silently grieving.

You deserve to find that love within yourself before you can find it in or give it to anyone else

It comes from inner healing.

Find that first and know your worth because that same love you are trying so hard to give…

You are worth recieving.

C. M Edwards poetry

Open Book

/ theawkwardsocialite / 1 Comment

I’ve always been an open book. Sometimes I find it to be a flaw, my ability to be so vulnerable with people. To leave my pages wide open to be torn out and taken away. Other times I find it to be my greatest strength, I do not know where I would be if I let things fester inside.

Currently I am at a crossroad. Through different pains, whether romantic heartbreaks or even the severances of friendships I find myself wanting to completely shut down. I tell myself I will not ever let another person in. I will live this life all on my own and never allow another human to hold the power to break me down. That is not who I am though, I am not sure how to be anything other than who I am and that partially makes me happy. Authenticity.

Growth is knowing ( as much as one can) who to trust. I no longer vent to friends who tell me other peoples business about my business. In love I am cautious to not over extend myself or give an intense and sacred love I will not receive in return. That is apart of my journey. Everyday I am learning new things and even still I make the same mistakes. But as many know “there is power in vulnerability”, just make sure there is not too much power going into the wrong hands. In healing, however you do it, it is important to not also be counteractively hurting yourself in the process.

That’s all I have for now, I hope you can take something and if you are able leave something in the comments.

Take care and until next time,

Cass

Pieces make the big picture

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Sometimes I find myself putting together pieces of information that break my heart. Partials of stories and truths that make up harsh realities we do not want to face but our minds are one step ahead of our hearts. I believe that is what saves us. The person on the other end telling the lies is giving you what you need to see who they truly are. You might not even have to read in between the lines, the depths of their heart, mind and soul is being handed to you straight from the source and still we try to look away, try to repaint where we believe our colors would look better.

I love to learn. I love being in school, meeting new people and hearing their stories and experiences, so when I learn a lesson I like to move on. There is no interest in my intellect to keep repeating the same patterns and learning the same lessons. Take what people give you, as ugly and heart wrenching as it may be and learn the lesson then move on. I’m sure you know the quote by Maya Angelou “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them”. It is quite the disservice to yourself and others to run from the truth. We are very intricate beings in the sense that we see the signs and hear the message of someone not treating us properly for fulfilling our souls needs. Listen to that voice and then move on and keep painting your bigger picture. The right pieces will always find their place and the wrong ones will always stand out.

Take care and Until next time,

Cass

Unrequited love

/ theawkwardsocialite / 2 Comments

I have always had a crush. I have not always been crushed on. This trend started in middle school where I’d be pining over some poor shmuck and unbeknownst to them did I even exist. It is a draining battle, trying to make someone like you or even more harrowing, love you.

Fast forward to my current relationship. Here I sit after midnight thinking ” Ah fuck, what did I do this time to not deserve human decency”. It is an agonizing feeling. Do I self sabotage? Am I unlovable? These are rhetoric questions of course and by no means a plea for pity. Yes I adore those who swoop in and tell me my worthiness but cut the tomfoolery. I want real answers not reassurances. Every person I have ever loved has left but not before they took pieces of me, not small slivers either, boulders of my being I may never get back.

My question is, what did I put out to deserve it? I’d like to think am a huge fan of righting my wrongs, fixing my imperfections or as my generation loves to shout (toxicity). I do not want to be a hard to love kind of gal. I want to be valued, appreciated and as we all do I want to be wanted not just conveniently needed.

Tell me please of a time you may have felt this way and how you got through it. Are there unlovable people out there? I prefer to think not, we must simply be trying to be loved by the wrong ones.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time, take care.

Cass

Je ne sais quoi

/ theawkwardsocialite / 4 Comments

I have a terrible time putting my thoughts into words. Probably because I am afraid of how they will sound out loud and certainly because my mind is always moving a million miles a minute, ideas being lost in translation or just forgotten. Purpose is a concept I have been pondering on these past few months. The who am I’s and What am I meant to do’s. It almost becomes so overwhelming that I simply do nothing at all. Complacency is the word I believe but I’m not satisfied at all. I am happy in moments but it is fleeting, drowned out my fears and insecurities that we all encounter at some time or another in our lives. Je ne sais quoi, I don’t know what I am meant to somedays. On days like that, like today, I come here and I say all these crazy words I am afraid will sound absolutely ridiculous out loud because I would rather have them out here than running amuck in my mind prohibiting me from getting to wherever it is I am meant to go.

The world is heavy these days, sometimes we can pinpoint the cause and sometimes it lies in a gray area. So wherever you are today, just know it is okay to not know right now. It is okay to not be okay somedays. You are most likely doing your best and if you keep doing it, and keep going, you are bound to reach a magnificent destination.

Until next time, Take care!

Cass

Avant Garde

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I know I promised weekly post in my initial posts but you know how life and take the reign at times.

I have been thinking much lately about how I want my life to play out. A silly thought I know, practically laughable as our lives rarely go according to our plans. That does not mean you can’t make them however. I have always chased this dream of happiness, peace and success. Whether being a writer, a DJ, a teacher what have you. I just want to make an impact. I think it is something we all ought to aspire to achieve.

So tell me, because I would love to interact more and get to know you all, What do you aspire to? What is your Grande life plan?

Introduce it here and them make it happen, Avant Garde!

Talk with you soon,

Cass.