The daily addict

At the moment I feel as if I am in a heightened state of seeking – and soaking.

I am seeking experiences – beautiful ones – connected to love and nature…

And my being is just soaking them up.

I am being cracked wide open in ways that I was unaware were even possible.

I thought I had let everything go that I needed to already – HA!

Just when I think I am done – more and more awareness – new emotions and brand new states of being come into play.

And that’s the thing – it’s play.

It’s time to play and enjoy.

Today is a very special day.

I am on a plane to Puerto Rico – and my very good friend Roberta is receiving 6 years of sobriety.

This person…spirit…light…human…woman…mother…friend…sister…wife…caregiver… crazy…funny…nut – is one of my favorite people!

As I am writing I am laughing – her energy is unbelievably joyful, playful and fun…even when she is angry and cursing the world around her…it makes me laugh.

She has battled some serious demons.

Her childhood was one that left her heart of gold completely confused.

Having a father whose arm was tattooed with the words “Evil Bastard ” and a mother who lived in survival mode – it’s a miracle that she kept that amazing heart of hers open at all.

I admire her…I love her…and today I celebrate and congratulate her.

Thank you Chooch for staying clean and helping everyone who comes into contact with you.

YAYYYY!!!!!

Life never ceases to amaze.

I have to say – I have been wrong about some things in my life.

I have pre-judged many things before I actually experienced them.

Before I became an addict/alcoholic – I prejudged and thought they were just weak beings who had no discipline.

But then – I have had the experience of being wrapped up in the horrors of addiction.

I experienced not being able to care for myself…or my son.

I experienced the cunning mischievous mind games the disease plays with us.

The same with recovery – I prejudged it and thought it was nowhere I wanted to be.

Yet I had no idea what it really would be or feel like.

I had no idea how it would allow me to expand my mind and soul in so many different ways.

I had no idea that it would teach me how to learn…all over again.

I have to say – I am glad that I was wrong.

Saturday was one of those perfect warm sunshine – cool breeze kind of days.

My fiance Mike and I had a plan…to meet in the woods.

Our plans included lunch and then an idea to find a place…a space…to clear and start building a small dwelling in the woods.

A place off the trails where we could return to and cultivate its beauty.

A place to go that we can sit and be.

We found a perfect spot…in between 4 trees and flat.

We asked the land, animals and spirits for permission to begin.

We started clearing and we became two kids building a fort in the woods.

It was magical.

It was amazing what we could do with just our hands, minds and hearts.

We named our new home Smudgeville.

I am looking forward to the development of this place.

It has already brought a new light into our relationship.

I have been taking a new type of yoga – it is called Bikram hot yoga.

This yoga is very challenging – we repeat the same 26 poses 2 times each in a room that is set at 105 degrees.

The class is 90 minutes long.

I have been going every Monday Wednesday and Friday at 6am.

The way I feel afterwards is indescribable.

I am very new to any kind of yoga and I am the newest person in the class – but I am consistently amazed at what my body is actually able to do.

Every class I get just a little bit stronger or more flexible in some area.

Well yesterday mornings class I was in a pose known as the Camel pose.

It is a kneeling backbend where eventually you are able touch and grab your heels with your hands.

I was able to reach back and actually touch one of my heels.

When I touched it – a flood of tears came.

I almost could not stop crying.

This pose is known as a heart opening pose…and oh my goodness – it cracked open.

I had no idea what emotions where just lingering around – and when I connected to my foot – energy just ran through me…pure emotional raw energy.

Wow – so much to learn still.

I have it – this anger thing -from time to time – and it rounds up as heat in my body and feels like a volcano ready to erupt.

If I catch it…in time I can delay all response and reaction so that I do not use words that might hurt someone.

Also I can catch it and try to transform it as quickly as I can by putting myself in another’s shoes – separating myself from the situation – time brings me back to the loving side of me…

There have been many wise words spoken on this topic.

And I heard someone quote Martin Luther King the other day at a recovery meeting.

The quote was : “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” MLK

This had me thinking…

I understand what you feed will grow and that you cant fight fire with fire.

But one aspect that I have never considered regarding the MLK quote is if only love can drive out hate – “SELF LOVE” is very much a part of that.

When I am able to love myself – regardless of what another thinks of me or might try to do to hurt me – then there is no fight – there is no room for hate.

I feel like I always forget to look up – and appreciate the sky – with the exception of my morning walks.

But once the sun has risen I kind of just take it for granted.

So this is in appreciation of mother/father sky!!

In a recovery meeting on Monday morning – the chair person shared about the severed relationship between he and one of his children.

He also spoke about all of the wonderful relationships that he currently has and that they are all miracles. Including the one with his wife and her children – his now step children.

As the meeting opened up for others to share – a floodgate of people shared about the struggles they have with their own parent – child relationships.

I was instantly ready to jump on the band wagon and share my woes…

BUT then – a wave of patience and grace washed through my body.

Thoughts and memories of my son poured into my being…

I remembered him being 7 years old and having to tag along and come to meetings with me…he was patient.

I remembered that all through my days of drinking and using…he was patient with me.

I remembered when my behavior was unacceptable and I could not help myself…he was patient with me.

I remembered when his whole world fell apart and I had to leave and go to rehab…he waited and was patient with me.

This feeling was grace.

I understood that he needs my understanding and patience and nothing more – as that is what he provided for me when I could not for myself.

A week from today my fiance Mike and I will hop on a plane to Puerto Rico for a very nice vacation.

We are planning to do a lot of nothing on the beach and by the pool.

We might swim and snorkel with the turtles, ride scooters and hit a few recovery meetings.

As amazing as it sounds and will be – I get some kind of anxiety leaving home – but really – Eve my cat.

I am not sure who is going to watch her while I am away so that is adding to the nervousness.

The woman who would usually look after her moved away.

My son would also check in on her and he is not an option this time.

I am sure it will all work out – this is just the current state I am in today.