It’s funny in life how as we grow up, we try more and more to make our own decisions and stand firm in our beliefs, even when an elder tells us that we’re walking down the wrong way. Contrast that, to during younger days we followed (sometimes blindly) what our parents instructions. As we grow older, we become confident that we have solidified our reasoning skills in handling problems (at least that applies for me), and often enogh, this leads to great disappointment and many-a-heartache (or break) to our parents.
I’ll never fully comprehend that until probable another ?1o years down the road, but something I read in the past few days really shook me a little. You know for a lot of us who worship God (whichever religion it is), we often try to do good, try to earn brownie points – and in return we ask for favors. Let me pass my exam. Let my family be safe. Let me get that job. Let me this, please let me have that etc etc etc.
I’m sure we are all familiar with those lines. I know I am. My latest request has been – please don’t send me to Palong. I was frustrated because I had all this plans, and not just any plans – plans to which I thought would be pleasing to God. So like many other people, I thought – hey, rub the lamp, and wish for something.
Then, I read this –
Are you determined to have your own way in living for God? We will never be free from this trap until we are brought into the experience of the baptism of “the Holy Spirit and fire” (Matthew 3:11). Stubbornness and self-will will always stab Jesus Christ. It may hurt no one else, but it wounds His Spirit. Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set on our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus. Every time we stand on our own rights and insist that this is what we intend to do, we are persecuting Him. Whenever we rely on self-respect, we systematically disturb and grieve His Spirit. And when we finally understand that it is Jesus we have been persecuting all this time, it is the most crushing revelation ever.
Is the Word of God tremendously penetrating and sharp in me as I hand it on to you, or does my life betray the things I profess to teach? I may teach sanctification and yet exhibit the spirit of Satan, the very spirit that persecutes Jesus Christ. The Spirit of Jesus is conscious of only one thing— a perfect oneness with the Father. And He tells us, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). All I do should be based on a perfect oneness with Him, not on a self-willed determination to be godly. This will mean that others may use me, go around me, or completely ignore me, but if I will submit to it for His sake, I will prevent Jesus Christ from being persecuted. – From My Utmost for His Highest –
I am in a fix. I do NOT want to go to a desolated, isolated (and sometimes I call it a God forsaken) place. However, after reading that, I felt that indeed many times I have insulted God by telling Him what I wanted. Not that we can’t. But the way I’ve acted over this whole matter – was as if it was my right to stay wherever I am and proceed with my career choices. I didn’t want to trust God AND it was like a 5 year old who didn’t want to trust his father in carrying him because he’s worried he’d fall.
That is a stab to God’s heart.
So, again it comes boils down to my relationship with God. You know the list you make of all the important things in life and we always rank God first? Well, we tend to forget that. We forget Matthew 6:33 in all the times we’ve read it. We forget to place God first before ourselves. We, as we grow older become selfish and self reliant with our needs.
I guess, I’m back to square one – asking God what He wants for once and not the other way round.
I ain't heavy. Just wordy 