Goodbye 2024!

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2024 – the year I turned the grand old age of 40!

The year where I completely lost myself, but then started to find myself again.

The year I stepped away from things, but also stepped towards things.

The year I hid away and silenced myself as I felt I had nothing to say, but also had far too much to say.

The year where I really realised just how much I respected my health, but learnt that I had been showing it nothing but disrespect!

The year that I realised changes HAVE to be made, and the year that has got me into a starting position, reading to smash the SHIT out of 2025, and beyond.

It’s actually been a really long time, if ever, where I have been truly excited to start a new year. Although I will be setting goals and making plans and all that good stuff, I am not going down the whole “New Year, New Me” route, as truthfully, it’s a whole load of bull shit, used by very clever people in marketing roles, in swish suits, who have you believing that who you currently are is not who you should be, and so more eager to part with your hard earned cash, to become someone society deems as better.

Let me tell you this – you are bloody brilliant as you are! Yes, make changes if that is what is deep down in your soul what you want for YOUR own reasons, but remember, you’re unique and your life is exactly that yours. You don’t ever need to be a New You. Simply an enhanced version of you, if that is what you feel is right, and most importantly, is realistic and sustainable.

For me, 2024 has been the year that I have finally started to accept who I am as a person. Yes, I absolutely do need to make some changes, for my health, for my career future, and for my own self worth. But as a human, I am realising that I’m actually pretty decent!

Am I perfect? Fuck no! So very far from it!

I make mistakes. I fail. I have set myself goals that I knew I was never going to achieve as I wasn’t ready, nor did I actually have much of a scooby do about what I wanted or needed to do. I did this through self sabotage, as feelings of self worth were growing and therefore I felt I needed to “fail” to keep myself in touch, to not get above my station and actually believe I could get what I wanted. I was scared of being happy. Scared to say that what I wanted had changed. Scared to be who I really am for fear of being judged around changing. Fear that maybe I can’t recreate some of the successes and achievements I have had, that I actually never celebrated properly as at the time I couldn’t bring myself to accept I deserved to. Fear of the unknown.

2024 I had to strip everything back. I had started the year in a very bad place. I was in a hole that I felt I couldn’t get out of. I dreaded getting up most days and had no idea of where I was heading. It was like the previous 5 years of absolute chaos and 1000mph living all of a sudden stopped, smashed into a wall, and I was literally just existing day to day. I had went from having a clear vision of what I wanted and who I THOUGHT I was (that is a very important part of this learning curve) to having no fucking idea, about anything. Even making a choice about what to eat was a chore. I started to close myself off, stop talking and even more sadly, stopped dreaming. I had stopped believing I could.

Thing is, I look back now and I realise, with a lot of pride, that I could have just lived in that hamster wheel of despair. I was so tired. February was a particularly bad month, I think it always will be now, where I treated myself like shit, and got into a spiral of very bad habits, which just made me feel worse. But I didn’t stay on that wheel. Yes, I had myself a bit of a pity party, although no one was invited. That was one party I had alone! And I certainly wasn’t the life and soul! Yet, I think I had to reach that absolute feeling of FUCK THIS SHIT! to wake me up again. To help me remember who the fuck I am!

I was talking to a friend this morning, and I had seen a quite that pinged on a GIANT lightbulb in my head, and actually turned my perspective on something that has bugged me for a long time, on it’s head. Yes, I absolutely can be a bitch. A massive one at that sometimes! It occurs mostly when I get angry, as my self control slips. Although I am lucky it is very rare I actually get properly angry these days, it did make me reflect on how very angry I used to be. How short my fuse used to be and how warped my outlook on life in general was.

I often feel like a hypocrite and have struggled often with wanting to help people and be there for them and support them in any and every way I can, yet get really fucking frustrated with some where I suppose it would be fair to say I have come across as a bitch, maybe the support I thought I was giving wasn’t right, or truthfully even wanted. I’m not a guru, I don’t know everything and I will forever stand by the saying that every single person experiences the same things differently. I may not get everything right (unless it’s you Sarah 😉 ) and I may speak out of turn. Yet getting things wrong or doing/saying what I feel is right in a situation, doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It makes me human, and I have realised that in a lot of examples I can think of it was actually the ultimate act of boundary setting – something that until this year I have massively struggled with.

In a nutshell, 2024 has shown me that I should be really fucking proud of myself! No I haven’t hit many goals but I know now that that was because I was actually working on my ultimate goal – me! I am genuinely in my “Let Them” era and I am ready for 2025! Ready for CONSISTENCY – my word of 2025.

From the business side of publishing blogs, recording podcasts and being more present on social media to raise my profile, to the personal side of things such as exercise, improving my health, social connections and self care. 2025 is not the start of a “New Me”. It is the continuous improvement of who I already am. Of being my most authentic self. Proudly!

Goodbye 2024, and thank you for the memories, and the lessons!

To all my family, friends and followers, firstly Thank You for reading and following what I do. Your support is appreciated more than you will EVER know. Secondly, Happy New Year! I hope that 2025 is whatever you need it to be, and more ❤

Claire xx

Which is worse? Failing, or not trying?

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Finally, it’s here. Blog 3 of the “My 30 Life Question’s” series. I think they are called Life Questions as it seems to be taking all my life to actually answer the fuckers! But in all seriousness, I keep saying it but I really mean it this time, it will be come a fortnightly series. I have now diarised specific blog times, as well as a monthly podcast slot. Look at me being all organised!

To be fair, this all actually coincides well with the question of this blog, regarding failing or just not trying. And since I class myself as Queen of the Fuck Up’s maybe the answer I am going with is quite obvious! Yet at the same time I know it can seem quite a contradiction, or at least maybe surprising for someone like me who gives herself a hard time over pretty much every thing! Maybe I do what I do because I like a reason to give myself shit? I know I have touched in this in previous blogs. However, I actually don’t think like that. I genuinely believe that a) we don’t know, or can’t know, what we don’t know and b) we don’t know until we try.

How I look it is, there are so many inventions that wouldn’t exist if someone wasn’t willing to give things a go. So many places we wouldn’t know about if people weren’t willing to go on random missions. So many influential people who we wouldn’t know about, who wouldn’t have made such an impact to us, speaking objectively and subjectively with this one as everyone’s inspirations are unique. We wouldn’t even exist if our ancestors (Adam and Eve, evolution or whatever it is you may personally believe in) didn’t make an effort to “get it on”. Yes I know it is one of our primitive desires, but you get my jist, yeah? The world would not be what it is today if it wasn’t for people willing to try. Because let’s face it, no fucker got it right the first time! And everything can be improved upon. There is no such thing as perfect!

Now you’re probably thinking, this is just generalisation, what has this all got to do with you personally, Claire? Well my friends, actually quite a lot! As it does for every one of us. I’m going to delve into my experiences on it but I want you to sit and think for a moment – what would your answer be? How many times have you “failed” compared to how many times have you just not tried because you’re scared of failure? What have you achieved because you actually dared to try? And this could be anything – small or big. Let’s face it, a big picture is made out of a gazillion little pictures.

So yeah, for me failing is definitely better than not trying. I am pretty willing to give anything a try, although of course there are limitations. For example, I can 99% (I won’t say 100% as I do believe there is always a slight room for change) say that I will not be jumping out of a plane. I have mini meltdowns just taking off and landing when there is a holiday destination at the end! So the idea of me jumping out of one for shits and giggles, erm no. I’m happy with not trying, thanks! But, there are so many things in my life that exist now that absolutely wouldn’t if I hadn’t tried. And as I said before, I am a professional at screwing up and making mistakes, but where I used to think of it as a negative and use whatever I had failed at as a proverbial stick to beat myself with, now, after a lot of different viewpoints and reading materials (Steven Bartlett and Vex King are two who have massively amended the way I view things) I can actually see the majority of what happens as a positive. As a learning point. In some cases as a really fucking funny story to tell the grandkids!

“It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.” Bill Gates

Let’s use my biggest example, and to be honest the biggest proportion of my life, to explain myself – my mental health. Back in my teens and throughout my 20’s I was absolute chaos. Looking back now I had no idea what my purpose was, who I actually was away from being what I thought everyone wanted me to be, and to be completely honest, I couldn’t actually give two shits about myself. Now in many ways I could class myself as lucky to be alive or at least in one piece just down to the risky behaviours I did (I was the person who would drink herself into a blackout oblivion. I wouldn’t remember a thing, and I mean anything about large portions of my night). I had no idea what was wrong with me a lot of the time, and I could say I tried to get help and it failed, but truthfully, although I went through the motions of looking like I was getting trying to get help, I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be fully honest, and I was great at pre-empting what I needed to say. To me life was as it was. As I always say, I will caveat what I am saying with the fact that I had some AMAZING times. I will never say my life was all doom, gloom and trauma, because that would be bullshit. But regarding trying to help myself? Nah, I was in a deep hole of denial!

Now this next part must come with a trigger warning as I talk about suicide. Can I also take a moment to remind you that this is MY experience and thoughts. Although what comes next may sound contradictory to my suicide prevention standpoint, I am still very very passionate about reducing suicide and helping people who are at that stage. Suicide is NOT the answer and there is ALWAYS someone, professional and personal, who is there to listen. Having suicidal thoughts or ideations, or even suicide attempts are not something that someone should be made to feel guilty about, or judged over. They are serious and they are a symptom of either an illness or a deep rooted issue – both which should be taken seriously.

My biggest “failure”- not completing my suicide attempt. You would think that this should come under something I would have been happy to not try! Yet as stated above, although it was a conscious decision and had been meticulously planned, it wasn’t something that I just thought up one day, just because. It was a symptom. A result. Of both an official diagnosis of a mental health condition (or two) and of a life of shit. I chose not to acknowledge or deal with said shit, sometimes not even knowing things were shit and just assuming that that was part of life for everyone, and over time it all came together like a beast of a snowball, on a rampage to absolutely destroy me.

However, this failure as I put it here has actually been the making me of me. I hit rock bottom, big style! In my usual dramatic way. And I hit it more than once. For a while I was like a bouncy ball. Yet with each bounce I got a little bit higher. I started to open up. I started to tell my story and of my experiences, and with this I started to see a whole new world. Cliché? Yep. But absolutely true! I finally got the help, and continue to do so, so that I can actually live my life.

I have people in my life now that I would never have even crossed paths with, some of which who are now some of my closet friends. I started off a peer support group aimed at just being honest about mental health and suicide, and promoting the power of talking and exercise/wellbeing, that is now a charity which is being ran by some of the amazing people who I class as my friends. It is no longer about me and my story but all about everyone else, exactly as it should be.

Because of all of these things I have a list, a proper fucking list, of some achievements I never ever thought would be possible for me. I spend a lot of my time looking forward, and trying to also learn to live in the moment that I don’t always give myself the deserved time to look back, and I should. Although it seems counter productive at times as I spent most of my life avoiding or numbing the past, now I can give it the credit it deserves. I wouldn’t be who I am today without the past – good and bad. And what words would I use to describe the me of today currently?

Kind

Resilient

Compassionate

Motivated

Determined

Proud

Strong

Without failure I know that I would never be in the position I am in now, where I can start to think about myself positively. Now don’t get me wrong, I can easily give 10x a bigger list of what I perceive as my negative qualities, but I am starting to realise that that will be what keeps me where I am now. Without being able to see the positives of who I am there is no room for growth. There is no sliver of confidence to make changes and try new things. There is no hope or sense of adventure for the future.

I don’t get things right a lot of the time. I am far from perfect and I will no doubt spend a lot of the life I have remaining “failing”. Whether that be failing to hit my goals, failing to stick to my own schedules or some massive failing that I have no idea because the event/plan hasn’t happened yet. My life coaching business could be a big massive failure before it even starts! And yes, of course this creates massive self doubt and times of chronic overthinking and comparisons. But of course it does, because I am human. One thing I do want to try and avoid is failing other people, but I know at times that maybe I will. In fact I absolutely will. I absolutely have. It is what lessons I learn from any of these situations that will make the most impact.

In my view, we get one life. We could spend a lot of our time on “what if”‘s and “I should have”‘s, but I want to lie on my death bed, or in my ditch (dramatic, see) and think, well that was a fucking adventure! Regrets are the killer of memories. Everyone has a chance, if they allow themselves. Failure is not the negative element here. Failure is your story!

Claire xx

A message for her younger self

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Welcome to blog 2 of my 30 Life Question’s series! I’m trying something new with this one too – I’m using my meditation app to see if it can keep me focused, or to see what effect it has on me in general. Results at the end, hopefully!

I was flicking through the questions today, probably looking for some inspiration more than anything, and although originally I was going to work through them in order, I have realised that for more authenticity I need to go with the question that feels right in that moment. For whatever subconscious reason, maybe as I have been feeling like shit for the last 5 days, I felt drawn to this one – “If I could talk to my younger self I’d say…”. This could go one of two ways, so I’m already feeling a bit anxious, but in the spirit of this blog and me just getting it all out in one go, let’s dive in!

My younger self has been explored quite a lot in my numerous therapies. Nurturing my inner child has been a focus for the last year or so, and is something I consistently struggle with. Not because I’m not open to “little Claire” but I think it’s more so that I have built a fortress around her, with electric fences, and a moat, and fire breathing dragons. I keep her locked away, because I have this overwhelming need to protect her, to keep her safe. I have spent most of my life doing this, from when I actually WAS “little Claire”. If I let her out, what awful situations await her? What emotions will she feel that she spent her young life closing down and avoiding? Will she become weaker if she knows what awaited her as she got older? So many questions!

The thing is, if I look back to how “little Claire” viewed life, and what she believed was expected of her, or how life should be, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, as although she was a dreamer, away with the fairies as she was often told, she really had no belief that life could be anything other than dark, violent, scary and mundane. Now don’t get me wrong, along with the traumas that have fucked me up royally, I do have good memories too. Very good memories in fact! But unfortunately, such is life, it is often that the dark ones get talked about. They get the air time. I suppose counselling and CBT would be pretty non-existent if we could use all our positive experiences to forge a life, a path forward. But what a bloody glorious life it would be! Yet as humans we have a tendency to just focus all our energies on the shit times, and with that comes a self belief that can negatively impact your whole existence. I know for a long time, much of my life, it certainly did for me, and to be fair still does. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t currently be under High Intensity CBT, my 5th or 6th bought of therapy in the last 7 years!

What do I want to tell “little Claire”? I want to tell her that as cliché as it sounds, things really do get better. From that girl hiding in her bedroom, terrified that He was going to kill her Mam, believing that the way things were was normal, that violence and alcohol were just common parts of everyone’s day to day, to the young woman who repeated a lot of those behaviours. Who got into violent relationships herself, who turned to alcohol and eventually drugs (not hardcore and not an addiction, more as a means of escape under the ruse of fun), along with promiscuous and dangerous behaviours. Who did her own fair share of treating people like shit and hurting them too. It is one of the reasons I won’t call myself a victim, in any of the experiences I have had.

I’m ashamed at some parts of my past, I really am. Yes it was the life I was used to, and I might have reacted to behaviours and experiences, but it gave me no reason to hurt anyone else. If I look back to my late teens, all the way up to my late 20’s, I was a right fucking cow at times. There are some things that come so very close to being regrets, but what I have genuinely learnt is regrets are not real – they are lessons. They give us the situation and skills to make a choice. Keeping making the same mistakes, or realising that you are better than that and making the changes needed to be a better person. I was so miserable and angry at myself, this manifested out into the world.

Despite my cunty behaviours, my overall motivation, and what has now become a responsibility of mine according to my therapist, is that I just want people to be happy. What a contradiction that is ey?! But it is true. I suppose if I hurt someone, or was a giant prick to them, making it up to them and making them happy again was like a drug to me. I might have been the one to hurt them, but it was a two fold benefit to me. A) if I was to hurt them, they couldn’t hurt me (oh how wrong I was about that nugget of misplaced wisdom!) and B) making them happy again made me feel good about myself, albeit if only for a moment.

I want to say to “little Claire” that I understand why she closed herself off to people. It was self preservation. It may have made us a combination of emotionally detached and obsessively seeking validation, but it was what was needed to get through. We turned our focus onto others, and although it was, and still is to a degree, a detriment to our wellbeing, it was also what became the making of us, of who Claire is today. And “little Claire” should be so fucking proud of what she did, and how she handled things, as sheer determination to not take the path that was expected of us, to repeat past behaviours and experiences, meant that we took a very different path. A really fucking hard one. The path expected may have been easier. We could have succumbed to the past and had little to no motivation or belief that life could be anything else, but that little dreamer could see glimpses of something different, something that although she believed was only for those that deserved it but that she craved. Light, positivity, a fight yes, but for the right reasons. I now live an optimistic life, the majority of the time I have a head-blagging attitude of positivity and I thrive off helping others, in any little way I can.

I want to apologise to “little Claire” for giving up on us. For not asking for the help I so desperately needed but was far too ashamed to ask for. For believing that it would be better if we just didn’t exist. I am so sorry for the physical and emotional pain I put us both through by not talking. I let us down. I let you down. You were so strong, so resilient, so keen to see the best in people and yet I was jaded and weak and so wrapped up in my own misery and fear. I didn’t want to drag anyone else down, I didn’t want my children growing up like you did, and I did not have any belief that I was good enough to make sure that happened. I had given up the fight.

But it wasn’t our time. We were not meant to leave, to die. I still can’t say I know what the hell our purpose is yet, but I want to say that my attempt was not in vain. I want to live now. Like properly live. Not for others either, or at least JUST for others, but for us! I appreciate and am so fucking grateful for who and what I have in my life, and yeah, I’m shit scared about the future but I think I owe it to you, to us, to make it as epic as it can be. Whether that is eventual world domination, escapism or just simple, no frills fun, I want to us to look back on our death bed, at the time that is meant to be our time, and smile. I want us to look back and think, yes! We did that!

I want to make a promise to you “little Claire, and to myself – I promise never to give up on us again. I know things will be hard, there will be painful times, scary times, times where I don’t know what the hell to do, times where I still feel like a failure or that I’m not good enough. But just look what we have achieved so far, look what we have crammed into 39 years of life – can you imagine what the next 39 might look like? I promise to keep you safe now, to nurture you, to love you and most importantly, to always appreciate you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be me, and let’s be honest, what a dull fucking world that would be!

From “big Claire” xx

Too many words for once!

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For some reason my blog this month has not been easy coming. I have started it a few times, yet not been able to get it to flow. Although the idea or the issue has been there, the words I wanted to say either wouldn’t come, or just were not. For someone with a lot to say, for once, I simply didn’t, and it is a really strange feeling. One that seems to have sat really heavy on me, and goes to show that these blogs do more good for me than I think I tend to realise.

So, with that in mind, and the amount of false starts I have had I decided I am going to do something a bit different for a while. My plan is that if I can get some sort of consistency back, hopefully that will help the words start to flow again. It’s not just my blogs that are suffering but I am very aware that I am not actually speaking to anyone about myself much at all. Even my social media posts seem a bit distant. This is probably a relief for some though! Haha

I keep banging on about routines and habits, and I do truly mean what I say – they have been an absolute game changer for me! It has taken me a good year to get a set that I know make a huge difference to my overall wellbeing, and that match the person I want to be. However what I have increasingly became aware of is my way of “winging” things, the way I can do things as and when they fit in, because I used to have a lifestyle that suited that approach, has now become an approach that does not work for me – at all! Week after week I am noticing that things are not getting done, that my priorities are not actually a priority when there is an option to put other things in front of them.

Currently my day is so blocked off by work (I currently have a job where I am sedentary and have no flexibility to do anything or go anywhere for 9 hours a day) that the things I used to take for granted, like gym visits on my lunch break, and running general errands between appointments, have been impossible. I get up at 5am on a morning to tick off the things on my morning routine, but this, mixed in with how mentally draining my job can be, leaves me with very little energy to get things done when I finish. I can feel myself trying to plan each evening while I am at work and getting incredibly overwhelmed! Instead of doing the healthy habits I know I need but that take so much fucking effort, I have been reaching for the unhealthy ones, and it is causing the vicious circle to get bigger, just like my expanding waistline!

The same goes for the winging it with my blog and podcast though. I am not planning anything, I am not scheduling any time in my diary. If it isn’t written down then I can’t beat myself up about failing to tick it off my To Do list and I can kid myself that the time just hasn’t been right, or that I had nowt to day. Pretty much like I have in the first paragraph or two of this blog. Which I now realise is utter bullshit! Oops! Since I actually have a lot of belief in my coaching business, and what the blogs and podcast can bring to that as an entirety, I am doing myself and my business absolutely no favours whatsoever at the moment!

With all that in mind, I am now a woman with a plan! A plan to make a proper plan!

One of the things I am going to use, at least with the blog aspect, and I suppose with the podcast element too, is to use prompts. Something I have avoided doing in the past. Why? I always wanted to be raw and real and be as surprised as anyone else with what came out my mouth (this blog has done that actually) and I know that just because I come up with a basic structure or frame work to what I need to be doing, I don’t need to script everything. I simply have a starting point.

That starting point is – Thirty Questions To Ask Yourself. Taken from an article I read online. Each blog I will take one of these questions and answer it – honestly, with no script and no opportunity to fudge what I am wanting to say. Starting now!

Question 1 – “What habits will my future self appreciate?”

Due to the length of this particular blog so far, I’m going to keep this brief, but to the point. For once! Habits my future self will appreciate are:

To operate to a proper schedule – professionally and personally where needed. For example my gym time! So important!

To make a genuine list of priorities (broken down into areas of my life such as health, career, personal development, etc) and then to work out how much time is needed on each area.

To diary these times every day/week/month as needed, and to treat them as seriously as I would a deadline from work

To continue with my early morning routine

To makes my goals more focused on self love NOT self loathing

To reflect on what I have achieved, not just what I have failed at

To dedicate time, without guilt, to myself. Whatever that may look like

To remember that although a structure is needed, flexibility to important too. Curve balls will be thrown, and it is how I deal with these that will make the most change!

To not try and rewrite history, but to learn from it

To be truly grateful every single day

I’m in no doubt that over time these goals will change ever so slightly. As it stands though I believe my future self will be very happy with these! It’s May tomorrow. We are nearly half way through the year, and only 6 months away from my big 4 0 birthday. Let’s see how much of this I can really put into action. I’m going to finally bet on myself! The odds are fucking good. I just need to keep believing!

Until next time.

Claire xx

The courage to admit defeat

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This is a novelty! Sat at my desk at work and originally this website was blocked (I work in a school) so bonus! I can finally get whatever this blog may end up being boxed off. Also quite ironic considering what I am, going to be talking about.

I’ve just re-read my last post, not something I usually do, but it feels like so much has happened in the month since I last posted that I kind of needed to catch myself back up. It’s been one of those months where I have so much to say, yet whenever I try to, I just clam up. Frustrating as fuck to say the least!

I am beginning to think I am the Queen of “Fresh Starts”. It always feels like I am jumping from one thing to the next and this has resulted in really intrusive feelings of isolation and loneliness. I’ve said before that for such a long time I had “The Plan”. I knew exactly what I wanted and I had a way in which I could achieve it, and everything just made a whole load of sense, despite me still struggling with my mental health. Now I feel like a white shirt that has been in the wash with a red sock – not what I should be. Things outside my control have kind of derailed my runaway train! And truthfully I have been having so many sulking episodes over it, and it’s doing my tits in!

Soooo, I’m brushing myself off and getting back up. Again (input eye roll as required). To practice what I preach. So I sat and worked out what areas of my life weren’t working for me, exploring what I feel is going wrong and why. I am a huge advocate for change, and making changes when you feel like things aren’t working. Don’t get me wrong, some of these changes take ages! Some of the changes affect other people or have elements of the situation that are out of my control so yeah, they take longer, or more thought needs to go into things, but some things you just know are not right. When you know something isn’t right, when you know that you’re declining, then it is time to try and put things right. Do we get it right? Nope. Not all the time. I definitely don’t. But I would 100% rather take the leap, try and potentially fail, for lack of a better word, than to stay stuck in a circumstance that is ultimately making me worse. Self awareness is the boss!

The thing with me is, even with all my work around self compassion, and truly I am miles away (not a million, but miles non the less) from how I was even 6 months ago, I am still a complete dick to myself about things. My body dysmorphia is at pretty high, intrusive levels (taking laxatives again last week was a low point but one I accepted had happened and moved on from) but in all other areas I am getting stronger every day. I have always been one for berating myself when I am struggling. To me crying is a weakness, telling people my shit is a burden because no-one wants to hear my pity party, I should be stronger than this and just keep on keeping on, blah, blah, fucking blah -but sometimes you just can’t. You HAVE to admit weakness and you have to admit you need a bit of help or TLC. You have to put up your white flag and say, look I tried but this isn’t for me!

It’s only been 8 month, and I can hand on heart say I have been honest and I have tried every which way to try and make it work, but unfortunately I have had to admit that the job I have currently just wasn’t the right match for me. In no way is this an insult at my employer – they have listened and took my notice with well wishes for the future. My personality and my ambition were just too much for me to be able to continue as I was, and I was honest with them that it was starting to directly and negatively impact my mental health. To say I was shitting myself over handing my notice in would have been too subtle. I absolutely hate letting people down, and despite knowing that I was doing the right thing for me, and that I had tried all I possibly could, it was still, and actually still is, a massive feeling of guilt for me. When you are so used to putting everything and anything before yourself, it’s really hard to deal with it when you do something for you!

Will I miss it? Aspects of it certainly. I have worked hard to implement changes and create a feeling of encouragement, consistency and support, despite being the “punishment”. I have built up some really strong relationships, with both staff and pupils – some memories will last a lifetime, and trust me when I can say I could actually write a full book just on my experiences here haha. From coming from a job in mental health, where at one time I felt I would be for the rest of my working life, it was a huge leap of faith, for me and for my employers to be fair, but I will never regret it! It has presented some of my hardest moments in my working life, and has been the job I have been closest to ever walking away from mid shift so to speak, but the knowledge and experience I am taking away is priceless! I can walk away genuinely proud of the work I have done, and with a couple of new AMAZING friends too!

Admitting defeat to me these days is very different to what it was a few years back. I also don’t see defeat as negatively as I used to either. I used to put such a hard face on, an exterior that I didn’t give a shit (and at times I really believed I didn’t) because if I so much as admitted even a slight bit of weakness, my walls would come tumbling down, and for many years, too many years, those walls were the only things keeping me safe. Now, my walls have fallen, but have been rebuilt. Now though, they have a door, and a few windows, and as much as I admit I keep them locked for the majority of the time, it also means I can open them, when I want to. I know it frustrates some people close to me, they feel that I lock them out on purpose, but I don’t. I realise now I will most likely always be the person that likes to deal with stuff on her own. I will also be hyper-independent as although it is a huge trust thing for me, I also know that this way I can also protect those around me.

So yeah, yet again one door is closing. However, it means that another one is opening already. Will this route work any better? Who knows! I can’t wait to find out though!

Claire xx

The Anxiety Attacks

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Not sure where to begin with this particular blog, but I know with the dark cloud that is hanging over me, it is one of the ways that I can try and get all the shit out of my head and basically dump it here, in a hope that from this point I can stand back up and move on.

In a way I was originally disappointed that this blog post may come across as negative or morbid, and that recently I have been much more motivated and positive, but then I remembered that I have always promised to be honest, and as I have stated on one of my social media posts for my coaching business, the one true superpower we all have is our story. The good, the bad and the fucking ugly!

So that age old question, what the hell am I babbling on about? Anxiety. More accurately though, my anxiety around death and losing people. It started a few weeks back, probably around the anniversary of my dad’s passing, and instead of sitting with it and trying to work it out, I have went back to old avoidance habits and this in turn has allowed it to manifest and grow in me, to the point of panic attacks, 2am catastrophising and a feeling of heavy, cold dread that is making me really tired! Unfortunately, although I’ll discuss the reasons and thought process, if only like I said, just to get it all out my head and relinquish it’s power, I am also acutely aware, after the fact as usual, I have hit the early stages of burnout, again. What a bitch!

I went too hard and too fast in January, avoiding the inevitable. I hadn’t really dealt with my grief the first time round, throwing myself back into work within a week of my dad passing, and although I have had therapy since then, it was based around my bulimia and learning self compassion. Well more learning how to not throw up at the sight of myself and berate myself every day (I have stopped being as mean to myself, and I avoid full length mirrors when I can – that is a win to me so far). My auto-response of compartmentalising everything meant the grief, and my fears, had been put to one side as I dealt with my eating disorder, navigated a new job, a new routine, etc.

The truth is my anxiety is back with a vengeance – newly sharpened talons and a new motivation to try and fuck me over. The little bastard has done it so subtly this time though – drained me of energy, stopped me going to the gym, not doing the things I know I need to to look after myself. Although my daily habits have been consistent, it has been more a going through the motions and ticking them off as I remember they need doing, than an active involvement in keeping myself right and why I have set these things. Every day I feel like my chest is getting tighter, that I am finding it hard to catch a breath, my headaches are back and I go from only wanting to sleep and having little interest in much else, to being wired and not being able to sleep. Always awake from 2am. Every single night.

It started off as pretty generic thoughts about death. What I would assume would be the usual train of thought for people at that time of the night. Then it started to creep into wondering what happened when you die. I got this really intense fear that I was going to die and I wouldn’t know. That I would just simply cease to exist, that all there was was darkness and silence, and I can’t tell you how utterly terrifying that became. I went cold and I froze. From there it went to how it would affect those I care about, but then the worst part came, me losing them. Losing my children – that was a particularly heart stopping time. All of a sudden I became overwhelmed with this intense feeling of responsibility for those I care about and it has sat heavy on my shoulders, and in my heart since then. Even writing that paragraph has made my chest hurt, and an awful taste in the back of my throat.

Everything became an equal split of meaningless and meaningful, with me swinging like a pendulum between them. I think what has disturbed me most is how quick this has escalated in me, literally in a matter of weeks. Yet I know why. Stress.

Sounds pretty simple yes? An easy way out answer. But it is true. This is what happens when things that are stressing you out are not identified or taken seriously. We have this weird way, or at least I do, that even though I have stacks of evidence that shows me I need to sit down and face the stress head on, I don’t. I just keep thinking it will be OK, things will settle down again soon. I’m taking my supplements, doing my yoga, going for a walk – I’ll be fine and dandy soon. Claire Louise Daff – this is utter bullshit and you know it!

Yes, these things are my things, and they do help me feel good, and of course they improve my wellbeing, but if I am not being honest about the start of the issues – in this case grief and the overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility, then it is just like sticking a plaster over a broken bone – absolutely fucking pointless! I need to shake the feeling of letting people down all the time when I do something that is needed for my own sake. That somehow all the issues everyone else has are my fight too and if I can’t make it all better I am a failure. I always say there is no such thing as caring too much, and I mean it. I am learning that there is definitely a caring in a detrimental way to yourself though. All points back to self worth and my feelings of not being enough.

So, how am I going to move forward from this? This blog is a start. As always it probably makes very little sense as it is just me typing whatever comes to mind, but what it is actually doing is making me accountable. Helping me admit that at this moment in time I’m not really alright. Helping me make a bit of sense of the noise and chaos in my head. Helping me evaluate and reflect on what it is I have been doing and what changes I need to make. I have learnt now that life is a continuous, daily change. Whether it is a miniscule change that is barely noticeable to even yourself, or a pretty monumental one where you put a boundary in place, or you start to launch a new business.

February has always been a pretty shitty month mentally for me (no reason for it until last year!) and I’m ready for it to be over. I’m not daft, I don’t think I’ll wake up on the 1st March and suddenly feel fabulous and back to peak condition, but I do know I want to be working towards that again. So now I have kind of got the whole death thing off my chest, I can put that to one side, sit with my thoughts today and refocus myself. Take the time to re-evaluate what is important to me and what I want the next four weeks to look like. My half term off work hasn’t been anywhere near what I hoped/wanted it to be – funerals and all this shit going on, so I want to work towards getting my head straight again, ready to enjoy the Easter holidays when they arrive next month!

Thanks as always for reading, and for anyone else who may be struggling with anxiety or anything else I have chatted about, I see you. You’re not alone.

Claire xx

The guts to try!

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Well, after sitting on the idea for a year, I’ve done it. I’ve made the first few steps towards launching my brand spanking new business. And to be completely honest, I am fucking shitting my pants!!

I did say this year was about making big changes though, and about challenges and that good old hashtag #livingyourbestlife. I need to stop procrastinating, stop worrying I’m going to fail because of that age old “I’m not good enough” mindset I have been lugging around all my life, and just try! Of course there are no guarantees, and no such thing as instant success, but where there is a will, there is a way, and like many of the other things I have sat on in the past then jumped feet first into, there is every chance it actually will work. Why? Because I genuinely believe it.

I also have very vague evidence that as an idea at least, it has legs. How do I know this? Well last year, when I was initially formulating the idea into something feasible, I did a mad thing and I applied to be on The Apprentice. I wrote down my idea, expecting to be told where to go, or more accurately, be ignore, but I actually got accepted onto the next stage – face to face meeting stage! Now this would have been even more exciting, had the email invite not went into my Junk folder, so that when I did eventually see it, the date to confirm my attendance had passed. At first I was livid at myself, like who doesn’t check their Junk mail?! But when I sat down and thought about it properly there were a few points I needed to take notice of. Firstly, it was a business IDEA. Not anything I could provide evidence based results for. Nothing I could show in action. Secondly, I was dealing with a hell of a lot in my personal life at that time. I know that if I had continued down that track, my idea would have fell flat and it would have been over before it even began because my confidence and self esteem was so shit that I would never have dared pick it back up again. I would have used their rejection of me, because truthfully at the stage I would have deservedly been rejected, as evidence that my business plan was shit and it was all a pipe dream. My self worth was on the floor and I would have used that as an eternal gage that my ideas are wank and I should just give up.

Instead, I look at missing that email as a blessing in disguise. If truth be told, I don’t want to be on the TV. My warped way of looking at myself would cause eternal distress and although I can’t deny that having someone like Lord Sugar as an investor in your business would be fucking ace, I also know that I need to do this my way first. I need to realise my vision, I need to make the mistakes I know I will to be able to grow and develop this into a successful, sustainable business. Why? Because I know it can and will work. It may take a year, it may take five, but I have the everlasting belief and patience that gives me the confidence, and the determination, to graft my lady balls off!

So, I hear you ask, what is this idea?? (You probably didn’t ask to be fair, but you bet your arse I’m going to tell you!)

Holistic Life Coaching

Yes You Can Holistic Life Coaching, to be exact! If you have Linked In jump over and give me a follow (Claire Daff) to be involved in this exciting stage of my life!

I’m not going to go into the in’s and outs of what it entails in this blog, don’t worry. I’m only at soft launch, market research and planning stage anyway, but in a nutshell there will be a variety of options an individual can choose, where I will work with them to explore their cues, triggers and perceived failures, and help them change to focus on their strengths, achievements and how to reach sustainable success. It could be in a particular area of their life, but together we will cover all 4 of the basic areas of health and wellbeing: physical, emotional, mental and social. In some cases, where it is important to someone, or where someone wants to explore it, we can cover the bonus 5th area – spiritual.

As I said at the beginning of this, I am shitting my proverbial pants, but at the same time I am bloody excited to see where this new path will take me. I read a quote by the amazing Steven Bartlett this morning (Diary of a CEO – one of my top inspirations at the moment) “Somethings have to end for better things to begin”. My life plan was very different 3/4 years ago, and for a long while I judged myself too much on what I classed as my failures – not finishing my Masters for example. I now know that all these things have actually helped build me up, not break me down. We might have a route to somewhere in mind, but how many times in life do we have to take diversions due to incidents outside our control? How many times have we got to a destination and it just hasn’t lived up to expectations? There is no set limit on how many places we can visit? No set rules that state we must like what we see or do. As we get older, we change – in all those areas that I listed above, so it makes sense that our plans do too. Not all the time of course, somethings are just very us – part of who we are as a person (I use Ibiza for myself in this analogy. It will ALWAYS have part of my heart and soul). Just because something hasn’t worked out as we hoped or expected, just because we have had to swerve a few fallen down trees, does not mean that we can’t keep going. If anything, for me, it makes me more determined to keep going!

Life is scary. It’s meant to be. We can’t possibly know what the future holds for us, and as much as this can and will fill us with anxiety at times, it should also fill us with excitement, curiosity and motivation. For me, even on my dark days, and yes, I still have them, it gives me something to move forwards to. So yes, this year, more than ever, I am going towards as many opportunities and scary challenges as I can. Will I win them all? Well that depends on what we class as a win!

I aim to forever be that lass that says “whoops, that didn’t work” instead of “What if I had tried?”

Until next time.

Claire xx

Optimal Vs Non-Negotiable

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For some reason I am actually quite excited to write this particular blog! I think it is because if I am actually really honest with myself, the progress I have made in personal development/self improvement has been really positive. I have started to actually listen to what my body, and the right side of my mind is telling me, instead of letting the ill mental health fuckers in the other side get their vicious little claws into me. I had quite a lightbulb moment, I think it was last week, after my second run (which was fucking amazing by the way!) which showed me that although the last few years I haven’t been physically healthy, my mind and motivation just weren’t in the right place either. Due to low confidence and rock bottom self esteem, I had unknowingly checked out and was letting all the negative aspects, and stress in my life take control of me. Negative coping strategies were the easy option and although I have never been one to “love” myself, I am shocked when I look back and see how much I actually despised myself!

So, what has changed? Well firstly I always wanted the last year of my 30’s to be an epic one. Originally what I wanted was a shit load of challenges, that I wanted to do to look awesome, yet behind the scenes would not actually make me feel that way, I’d just be instantly finding a new one – chasing the high so to speak. I know a few blogs back I discussed how I never used to know who the hell I was trying to impress, because truthfully, although I want to be known as a kind, caring person, I am not altogether that arsed what people think of me. I understand the whole perception/opinion thing, and the fact that I am absolutely like marmite. Everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint – as long as I am not being a giant wank puffin, and being awful to people, then I know it is their issue/thought process. The only person I have ever been trying to impress, the only one that NEEDS to be holding the pom-poms (I highlight needs as I do have so many people I am so very grateful for having in my corner, that I want there) is….. ME! Yet I have fucking awful to myself. Go figure. Claire – the walking contradiction!

So, things had to change. I had to start doing things for the right reason and for the right person. I’ve been building on things slowly over the last few month, and after some sound advice from Chloe Madeley on Instagram, I have set myself a list of firstly “Optimals”, which is when I am knuckling down and doing the best I can. Grafting hard and ticking things off. It is kind of a like a reset, to get you back on track after a few dodgy weeks where you might feel like things such as good habits are sliding. For me, completing these are usually during my weeks off work. The last one being coincidently January 1st – 7th! Fab way to start the year for me!

The second list, and I will share my lists for maybe an idea/inspiration for you to set up your own, is the “Non-Negotiable” list. This list is also incorporated into my Daily Habits, that I tick off, you guessed it, daily! These are things that no matter what I do, must be achieved every week. I have spent a lot of time making sure these things not only benefit me, but that they are realistic and achievable. Yes the Optimal list is too, but it is purposefully meant to be harder, more of a challenge. Used when I have the time and space to really dedicate time, quality time, to myself. The Non-negotiable list is a list that I know I can do around full time work, being a parent, and the other many things I get up to in my life. These lists are not just about physical health and fitness, as once upon a time they may have been, they now incorporate all areas of my life – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The 4 corners of what makes me who I am.

Before I babble on any further, here are the lists. Remember, these are personal to me, so really shouldn’t be compared to anyone else. I absolutely encourage you to make your own, and even better, share them with me, but your points MUST be personal to your development and growth.

OPTIMAL         Vs         Non-Negotiable

  • Yoga: every morning           5 times a week
  • Meditate: every morning          Every day, any time
  • Movement: 5 x fitness sessions      3 x fitness sessions
  • Walk: 2 miles minimum, every day     10 mins+, every day
  • Steps: 5 days of 10,000          Never less than 6,000
  • Study: 3.5 hours a week         Daily brain training
  • Reading: 10 pages of non-fiction     Simply read, anything.
  • Podcast/YouTube: Every day       3 x a week

To some this may seem a lot, to others, even my Optimal may seem pretty easy but, like I say, these are mine. Things I know for a fact make me feel better, help me build confidence, improve my overall wellbeing and just basically make me feel shit hot. The only other things that are included in my daily habits part of my journal (my journal is quite simply my Bible. I adore it!) that are not actually featured on my lists above are: Take my supplements, and a cold shower. Yep, the mad-head that I am, I take a cold shower every single day now. Ideally in the morning (which has been really fucking interesting lately in minus temperatures outside and a knackered boiler so my house is an ice box!) and I probably need a whole different blog to wax lyrical about the amazingness of them! I have now got a PB of 3 minutes 21 seconds, and I was buzzing my baps off!! Average time though is between 60 – 120 seconds. Feels a hell of a lot longer mind!

So what is this very long rambling blog basically trying to say? To be fair I don’t even know if I know! Haha but I think in a nutshell, I just wanted to share that not all areas of my life and my blog are negative or talking about my ill mental health. Yes, those blogs are important and I won’t ever stop talking about it all, as talking reduces stigma and I HOPE brings comfort to those who may need it at times, but I am more than just my ill mental health. So much more. And it is only quite recently that I realised this and felt good about it. I am on one crazy journey of self discovery at the moment, and some of it is scary as fuck! But I am actually really excited for what the future holds. I know now that I can step out of my comfort zone, and survive. There may be experiences that don’t turn out as well as expected, but at least I can say I tried. I have found solace in the mindset of no regrets, just lessons learnt. I am not THE best, but I am trying MY best, and that is all anyone, but most importantly, I, can ask of me.

What does the future hold then for Miss Claire Daff? Who knows! Watch this space 😉

As always, thanks for reading and I’ll catch you next time.

Claire xx

A really important message!

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It’s finally 2024! The year I turn the big 4 0 and the year I have promised myself that I am going to put myself first. Not at the detriment of others, certainly not, but it is the year of personal development, self improvement, adventures, and growth. Time to start turning all of my life lessons so far, and there has been MANY, into a plan for the future. To step out of the mould that has been forming me and to cement myself as the person I want to be, that I am determined to be, that I know I CAN be!

Now I need to pause these positive vibes here, just for a moment, as I need to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head somehow, before they fester, before they start to sink into my conscious thought and start the rot that I know can and will happen if I don’t do something. Please note here – TRIGGER WARNING – talk of suicide. If you need to close this down now, to keep yourself safe, or even if you are just not wanting to go down this route of conversation, please, do.

I found out last night that a friend of mine, someone I went to university with, had died. Although I have no solid evidence or details, simply the words of those she knew, I am pretty sure that she ended her own life. It happened the back end of last year, yet I have only just found out. I had no idea. I missed her funeral and even just finding out she was no longer here caused a shock reaction I don’t think I ever would have expected. Some of you may be reading this thinking “can’t have been much of a friend if you didn’t know she had died”, but she was. I classed her as a friend very much. She was one of those people who had an aura about her, an energy that put you at ease instantly. She was a gorgeous person with a gorgeous soul, and no, we didn’t speak often after leaving uni, but whenever we did it was free and easy. She was so incredibly supportive of me and my work, and I knew that she had went into a career that was made for her, where she could help improve the lives of so many, and fight for those without a voice.

How did I find out she had passed? I was reading a book, a psychology one (as you do. Well as I do these days) and something I read about paradigms made me think of her instantly. Of the days where we would love a quote or bit of information we had heard in a lecture and share it in a Facebook post, or when we would tag each other in memes relating to something we had studied, or the stress of leaving things to the last minute, as we ALWAYS did! We never learnt! Yet we both walked away with a degree so we got something right. Anyway, I clicked on her page on FB to send a message and I saw a friends comment. I read it and my heart went cold. I scrolled down and read more comments, and the realisation she was no longer with us hit me with a genuine jolt. For a while I had no emotions. My mind was focused on reading these comments, of trying to get my head round it all. One of life’s true angels was no longer with us, and instantly my world seemed just a little bit less bright, less colourful.

After succumbing to tears eventually, thinking about her, how she must have been feeling, how she had been so open about losing one of her best friends to suicide the year before, a little piece of my heart broke. As it does when I hear of anyone ending their own life. The words I use and the story I tell of my experience seems so hollow to me now that I am no longer in that place. Now that I no longer currently want to die. I say currently as if I can be anything with this it is honest. I HOPE I never feel that way again, I work hard daily to prevent myself from feeling that way and thinking that way, but I know that I can’t say it won’t happen again. The only way I can describe it is it is like labour pain. You know that it fucking hurts, and in the moment you swear you are never having another child! Yet after a while, you only remember that you knew it hurt. You don’t remember the actual pain, the actual feeling. That is how I see my suicidal period. I know I was in so much mental anguish. I know that at that time I was adamant it was the right thing to do for everyone. I can look back and remember the details, but more in a logical sense, no longer as much an emotional sense. And that is what gets you – the emotions.

So my lesson of yesterday was a powerful one. If you have a friend you think of, but never seem to get around to messaging for whatever reason (life has a habit of running away with us after all, or as I say it, I get so stuck up my own arse!) then maybe make an intention to try a tiny bit harder to make that contact. You truly never know when it won’t be an option anymore.

If you are worried about someone, please, talk to them. Be brave (because it is fucking scary) and ask them outright. Voice your concerns. You might just save a life.

If you are struggling, please, please, PLEASE try and reach out. Please. I know it is so fucking hard, you may not know how to start, or maybe you are like me and are adamant it is the right thing, but please, at least have one more conversation. There are people who want to help, who want to listen, who will genuinely tell you how worthy you are. I for one won’t bullshit you about unicorns, rainbows and glorious gardens, but I will say, with absolute certainty, that whatever is going on for you right now, whatever pain, fear, frustration or despair you are feeling, you are never ever alone!

This news has muddied my waters a bit, has started a thought spiral that I needed to get out of – a lot of self doubt, questioning myself, my work, my character, my ability to help others. Guilt is the main culprit – tosser. Guilt gets in your head and makes you blame yourself, makes you believe that you should have/could have done things differently. Makes you question why you should get to continue to live your life when others are taken from this world. It tries to decrease your self worth, and where in positivity there are rose tinted glasses, in guilt they are a shitty pea green colour. Guilt warps your outlook on life. One thing I know, and what another friend who messaged me last night said, which brought comfort, is that “angel” ( I won’t disclose her name or any personal information) would have encouraged me to do me. That we all fall victim to taking our time for granted. She had a massive heart, was the biggest cheerleader and genuinely believed in people working to be the best person that they can be.

So, back to the positivity post – I am determined I am going to do me. That I am going to fly high this year. To start my ascent into whatever awesomeness is in store for me. I won’t pretend there won’t be shit times, fucking shit times and absolutely atrociously fucking shit times, at times, but these will be my catalyst. These will remind me of the fucking super woman I am! I am often my own worst enemy, so negative self talk is OUT for 2024! My affirmations, or mantras if you will are:

  • I AM ENOUGH
  • I AM WORKING ON ME, FOR ME
  • GOOD THINGS ARE COMING TO ME, AND I AM WORTHY OF THEM

I have other posts in the pipeline, this one was an unscheduled but much needed addition, where I will discuss my goals and plans in more detail. Where I will chat about my experiences, good and bad (remind me to tell you about my Reiki experiences! Wow!!) and where hopefully together as a community we can walk forward into the future, together, stronger.

Thank you for listening/reading. I hope 2024 is the year you want it to be.

“X” – fly high my angel, until we meet again. Thank you for always being an inspiration to me, you always will be.

Claire xx

The 50 Random Facts

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I decided to throw a bit of a curve ball in amongst my blog posts this time and do a kind of “This is Claire” introduction. Now this may seem a bit random, and unnecessary, since let’s be honest, I have shared, shared and definitely over shared many aspects of me and my life up to this point. However, this is always around a particular theme, i.e. my fucked up mental health, and I thought it might be fun (for me, not you lot haha) to try a different angle. For you to get to know me more overall. Or more accurately a challenge for me to actually find 50 facts about myself. This should be interesting!

For some of you, you are my friends or family so may know all, or many of these facts, but maybe there will be some surprises in there. At this moment I have no idea what is going to come out, as always I am just going to let things flow. Hopefully I won’t give away anything that may help a hacker take over my identity – although to be fair, if they want to have a go at being me, they are more than welcome! Haha it would take a strong stomach!

These will be in no particular order, and no doubt as chaotic as I am. It will be just whatever comes into my head. Right, here we go!

  1. Although many people think I am from Teesside (it is absolutely my adopted home now) I was actually born in Durham and brought up in a town called Chester-Le-Street. That was once famous for it’s market don’t you know!
  2. When I was about 14/15, I decided to cut off my long hair as I loved the hairstyle Claire from Steps had. BIG mistake. I have never had short hair since!! (My Dad HATED it and told me so)
  3. I have a younger brother. We no longer speak, my choice, however some of the stories I could tell you from our sibling arguments would either shock you or make you laugh. If something could be a weapon, it was, and I remember quite vividly one time throwing all of his soft toys out of his bedroom window onto the front garden, although I don’t remember why. Oops!
  4. I have a VERY small family. My mam married my dad, and my aunty (her sister) married his brother. I have 3 amazing cousins who were very much like siblings to me growing up, and to be fair, despite long periods of time not seeing each other (weddings and funerals these days) they still are.
  5. I have two beautiful children, who could not be more different, in every way, but who I love with all my everything. I would not win any Mother of the Year trophies but fuck me, the pride I have in how these two humans have grown and who they have become or are becoming is unmeasurable! And I will take credit in them being polite, good mannered and bat shit crazy!
  6. I have quite a varied working life, going from pubs and pub management, to a travel agents, to a civil servant, to then losing the plot, trying to end my life and becoming a founder of a mental health charity, working for the NHS then currently into behavioural work within a secondary school.
  7. I have learnt more in the first 8 weeks of working in a school than I think I ever have in any job! It’s brutal! But also when you start to see even the smallest of wins, it is so amazing.
  8. I am shrinking! I used to be 5 foot 7.3, now I am 5 foot 6.6.
  9. My biggest fear is gimps. Genuinely.
  10. My second is moths!
  11. I ran the London Marathon in 2019 in 5 hours 35 minutes. And it fucking hurt!
  12. I have ran the Great North Run twice. In 2018 I was actually chosen as one of their Local Hero’s and met Sir Brendan Foster and some incredibly inspiring people, such as Pete from Mummy’s Star who I am still in contact with. I also got to get a selfie with myself!
  13. I finally went to uni, in my mid 30’s, walking away with a degree in Psychology. Considering 1.5 years of that was remote learning due to COVID, and I was still struggling massively with my mental health and things in my personal life, that was one hell of an achievement!
  14. After struggling with it for nearly half of my life, I was finally diagnosed officially with Bulimia, in July 2023. However due to the very messed up system we have for weight management and eating disorders, I am managing it myself, with the help of my amazing Mental Health Coach.
  15. Alongside this I have Body Dysmorphia. I hate what I see in the mirror and in photos, to the point that on my lowest days I feel like physically cutting off all the fat and I feel genuinely sick at the thought of myself. I avoid mirrors alot of the time and selfies are strictly regimented. I appreciate all the nice things that people say to me, and I do listen but it is hard for me to accept so I apologise to anyone I may have dismissed.
  16. My biggest aim in my life is to have a published book.
  17. I have been in a Police Car three times, arrested once, yet never in an ambulance, thankfully.
  18. Despite getting more in touch with my “girly” side as I get older, I am definitely a tomboy!
  19. I have broken two bones, both under the influence of alcohol. First my wrist when I was 17, when I thought it was a good idea to get a piggy back off my equally drunk friend. It was not. The second was on a birthday night out in my 20’s. I had been to just two pubs when I stubbed my big toe on a concrete step and was in that much pain I had to go home. My friends stayed out and even got a shout out for me in pub later on haha
  20. I nearly died having my son, and it was also touch and go for him for a while. I was sterilised after that! Although that also went rather wrong!
  21. Despite being a chav and 100% a raver girl, I absolutely adore Elvis Presley.
  22. Music is life and I have a very eclectic taste, which 100% depends on my mood.
  23. Although I am a chav, I actually LOVE the goth look and wish I had been more confident as a younger lass to really experiment with that.
  24. Horror is my genre! Yes give me a bit of comedy and romance occasionally but you will much more likely find me watching the creepiest or bloodiest film I can find!
  25. I have a pretty intense obsession with all things serial killer!
  26. I am also incredibly interested in crime and punishment, and have been lucky enough to visit a prison – twice!
  27. My favourite animal is a giraffe and I got to feed some at Blackpool Zoo! Bucket list moment!
  28. On a night out with friends I was rather tipsy and went into a club. I saw a giant inflatable thing and without a second thought, jumped on it. It was a hot tub! I went in arse first and then had to be escorted off the premises by the doormen, absolutely drenched. It was fucking hilarious!
  29. I have been to Ibiza loads of times. It is my spiritual home for sure. Roll on August 2024 for 40th bday celebrations with the wife!
  30. I drink my coffee black. No sugar or sweeteners. It is advised not to really engage with me until I have had 2.
  31. I am a morning person! I love 5am get ups and despite needing caffeine, I am that annoyingly chirpy, active person as soon as my eyes open!
  32. Currently my dream car to own would be a Ford Mustang GT, manual drive. Sexy AF!
  33. My dream vintage car is a Vauxhall Nova and one of my bucket list things is to buy one, chav it up and then take it to car shows.
  34. Although I wouldn’t necessarily do all these things, I can check and change my oil, change a tyre, and change my brakes. Handy to know lasses!
  35. Some of my closest friends I have never even met face to face!
  36. I have the most amazing circle of friends who I love dearly. They really are my family. Despite this, there is not one single person I can open up to 100%. Faye knows the most, of course haha, but there is something in me that stops me ever really being vulnerable. Currently something I am working on in therapy.
  37. Bit of a random one here and I presume I will get some eyebrow raises but what the hell – I love sex. And I watch porn. As a female I think it is important that we feel just as able to communicate these things as men do!
  38. I have no idea why, they haven’t done anything to me, but I have very strong negative feelings to Ronan Keating and Amanda Holden. Baffling but true!
  39. I have a condition called central heterochromia. Basically this means I have a gold ring around my pupil, so my eyes are technically two different colours
  40. My main eye colour changes depending on my mood. Hard to believe, genuine fact! They change between green, blue and grey.
  41. Despite my love of holidays, I hate flying! Taking off and landing are the worst, and although I am ok in the in-between bit, if there is even a spot of turbulence, I start praying!
  42. The above fact is quite ironic as despite being brought up Christian and attending church regularly until I was about 12, I am actually an atheist
  43. Although I class myself as atheist as I don’t believe in any religion, I am very spiritual. This is something I have only just started to be brave enough to speak about and explore properly. Wicca, witchcraft, tarot, crystals, ghosts etc. – all my thing! I love my altar which I have created in my dining room.
  44. I am incredibly stubborn, often to my own detriment! I also have an absolutely hellish temper, so much so that I actually named that part of my personality Patricia (This was way before the film Split came out, which incidentally I found hilarious). However I am happy to say that although yes, I do get annoyed sometimes, Patricia is very much locked away these days!
  45. I have found a new interest in podcasts, and more so YouTube “influencers”. Now I hate that as a professional term, makes me cringe, but I love the likes of Holly Brooks, Becca Watson and Katy Callaway! Steven Bartlett, Lucy Davies, Ben Haldon and Chloe Madeley are also on my list of faves!
  46. I am a self confessed geek and I love to learn! I have passed courses in Sound Therapy, Shemanic Healing and Energy Healing. I am currently studying for my Reiki level 2 and Crystal healing, as well as doing a Level 5 in Advanced Diet and Nutrition and a Level 7 in Life Coaching.
  47. I am a qualified PT and run leader.
  48. Water is my calming presence. If I feel sad or stressed or angry, being near water instantly soothes me. If I disappear I am often at the beach or down by a river.
  49. Despite being a social person and loving to be around people, I am also incredibly anti-social and find humans as a species incredibly difficult! I am basically a walking contradiction, and I’m ok with that!
  50. 5 words to describe myself – kind, caring, stubborn, passionate and determined. However I also want to add that my sense of humour is top notch and I am funny as fuck! hahaha

So there we go. Some no doubt VERY random facts about moi, but maybe it has helped me become more of a person to the reader, than just that lass who talks about mental health and shit! That is of course, if you got to the end! I was going to go for 100 facts but I decided that was just too much.

It has genuinely been fun for me doing these. I know some are serious and have negative connotations, but for me, this is a snap shot of who I am and it is nice to be able to reflect sometimes. My life has been one massive ball of messiness, and no doubt always will be to a degree, chaos should be my middle name! But I think I am starting to appreciate my life, and who I have become. My MH Coach will be mega impressed at this rare self compassionate insight, but yeah, overall, I suppose I am not that bad!

My promise to myself – never stop dreaming, never stop believing and NEVER stop trying! No matter how fucking hard things get.

Until next time!

Claire xx

55 weeks left till she is 40

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I remember the last year of my 20’s. It was horrific. I seemed to slowly spiral into this big hole, leading to a pretty epic meltdown, just because I was turning 30! I had this big thing in my head that now I was officially old, I had wasted my life, all the usual absolute bullshit over thinking that I am prone to. Little did I know that turning 30 was going to bring so much change into my life.

Looking back now, that person was a shadow of who I am today. The sad thing about back then, I had never ever acknowledged that I was struggling so massively with my mental health. Despite getting blue lighted in a Police car to a local (to me then) hospital as I had cut myself. Despite daily binging and purging, of what was eventually pretty much every meal I ate. Despite using alcohol, and eventually drugs, to help numb the pain and loneliness I was feeling *Disclaimer: when I say drugs, although still not acceptable or legal, I mean recreationally.* For pretty much all my 20’s I was leading my life behind a mask. Never ever daring to admit to myself, never mind anyone else, just what horrors and thought processes were going through my head.

I want to touch on my alcohol story in a different blog, as it is a story in itself, but to say much of my 20’s were spent drunk and not being able remember much, is pretty accurate. However, as with anything in life, there were lots of good times too. I want to stress that a lot, in all my blogs. With bad, there is also good. Even if it feels hard to remember it at times. Despite my deepest, darkest times of life, I have always believed in gratitude and silver linings. I was the lass who could even put a positive spin on ending my own life. The eternal optimist! I still am. Just ask my friends – I do their nipples in with my endless positive outlook haha.

So, my 30’s. Well, what a fucking decade so far! I have had some major downs, which resulted in me very nearly not being here anymore. Had I got my own way at that time, and for a while after, I certainly wouldn’t be. However I know now, the Universe has a plan for me, although as to what that plan is, who knows! I also have some amazing Guardian Angel’s, who have quite literally saved my life, and although I have always sang the praises of my friends, they really showed their love for me. I have lost some friends, I have gained some fabulous ones, and in some cases, some friendships have altered, or dimmed into the background a bit. At times that makes me sad, but I also firmly believe that every person you meet is a lesson of some kind. Some you will then keep for a lifetime, some will be for just a moment in time. Every one though has brought me an abundance of memories!

I speak a lot about the dark times, so let’s focus on the good shit, and what I have planned for the last year of my 30’s! This decade has seen me go to college, go to Uni and get a degree in Psychology (despite COVID’s best efforts!), start, grow and then step back from my own mental health charity. My daughter has smashed school and college, and moved out to live with Dad, as was always her plan. My son has grown into the most sweetest, caring, little shit of a lad, with a true flair for football and to see his confidence sky rocket has made my heart swell. He is such a sensitive soul, but now I can see an inner fire, an inner strength, just like his sister!

My house has become a home, somewhere I love to be. I have travelled and had so much fucking fun! I have smashed fitness goals I never, ever could imagine! Did I ever tell you I ran the London Marathon?? 😉 And finally over the last 6 months, I have learnt that there is true hope. That life can not turn out how you planned, but that doesn’t mean it is bad. It means I took the path I needed at the time, and the destination happened to change. Although all my old feelings of fear, grief, low self worth, rejection and trauma are all still there, probably always will be, they are no longer controlling me. Well not every day. Not even every week any more! And that is my biggest win. I have received new “labels” and been through various treatments and therapies, again at times in my life I most likely still will. However, I have always said I am so much more than my mental health and my past experiences. Well now even I believe that! Progress!

So, there is so much more I could say about the past, and in different blog posts, and in my future book perhaps, I absolutely will, but keeping in mind, you the reader may be bored or starting to nod off by now, let’s focus on what Claire has planned next!

I will be writing a whole blog series on this itself, but I had an idea a while back. It wasn’t a bucket list as such (although I do have one of those in progress) but more a Fuck It list. What do I want to do these last 12 months of my 30’s that I haven’t dared/felt able to/thought of, that can make the most memorable decade of my life, for the right reasons, be even more fucking spectacular? For every month of 39 I want to either complete a challenge, do an event, or tick off a Fuck It item. Once I have finalised this list I will share with all. I have 3.5 weeks to get some ideas down and planning! But some of the ideas I have had so far:

  • abseiling
  • paddle boarding
  • swimming under a waterfall
  • Tough Mudder
  • something to do with weight training

I want to use this last year to really push myself. To be the strongest I have ever been – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I want to run into my 40’s with open arms, a big mischievous grin and a desire to do even more! I want to look in the mirror and say “yes lass, you absolute fucking legend”.

I want to love who I am. For all I am. Warts and all.

If you have got this far, thank you for reading! And if you have any ideas on what I could do to cement my 39th year as EPIC, let me know!

Claire xx

A New Direction!

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Over the last 12 months things have really changed for me, in pretty much every aspect of my life. What I had planned and thought I wanted then, is pretty much nothing like what I am thinking about, scheming, and planning for, now! I feel like the last year has changed me, really changed me, especially since losing my Dad in February, and over the last week or so, when I have been feeling pretty shit and more than a little bit lost, I have done some serious reflection. It’s time to stop grieving for the “old” me and start really fucking celebrating the new me instead!

It was after much consideration and mind mapping (who doesn’t love a good, colourful mind map when your brain feels too full?) that I decided I needed my blog back in my life. To feel my fingers on the keyboard again, to get my stuff out of my head and onto paper. Well, screen anyway. But this time, although still me and my experiences etc, this time I have decided to cut the strings of my red balloons, and let them soar high and away!

Red Balloons has moved on now. Grown into something I couldn’t have EVER dreamed about. It is truly amazing, doing amazing things and helping more and more people every day. It is staffed now. Genuine, proper paid staff members! Of course the volunteers are still the heart beat too. That will never change. However, what did change was me. Don’t panic – I am still involved. I am Chair of Trustees, and I will always and forever be the Founder, that can never be taken away from me, but now it isn’t about me, like it never was destined to be anyway. I have the absolutely bloody amazing Leigh at the helm, leading Red Balloons into places I could never have even thought of. She is the Boss Lady now and I could not be fucking prouder, and so very grateful to have handed over my baby to such a fiercely passionate, wonderful inspirational lady as her! It was time for me to close the door a tad, and venture off into new territory. To step back from distracting myself with everyone else and everything else, and as cheesy as this sounds, it was time to find out who Claire was. Not Red Balloons Claire. Not suicidal Claire. Not mental health Claire. Just, Claire Daff.

Is it scary? Walking away from what has been my life for the last 6 years? Abso-fucking-lutley! But will it be worth it? I genuinely think so!

September has been a rollercoaster of a month. One that saw me start in a brand, spanking new career direction! I have stepped into the weird but wonderful world of education! I now work in a local secondary school and although it has been more of an eye opener than I ever could have prepared for, and not at all what I had in my head before I started, I can genuinely say, even on the hard days, more often tinged with self doubt, I am so proud of myself to have leaped away from my comfort zone, that was actually killing me as opposed to comforting me, and plunging into a brand new world. It was that leap that helped me change my way of thinking.

Previously I have had everything planned, to military precision at times. I have signed up for massive challenges and put far too much pressure on myself to be what I deemed as successful. I know now my self worth was so low, and the hatred I had for myself was so strong, that my version of success was incredibly warped, incredibly unrealistic and to be completely honest, impossible to achieve. Why did I do this? Because I could prove to myself that I was all the shit I kept telling myself. That was I was crap. I wasn’t good enough. Blah blah blah!

Now, I have shaken off all the weight of my own expectations. I have dedicated myself to a reset. I am no longer (or at least trying) doing what I think everyone expects me to do, and simply taking things a day at a time. Do I have big plans still? Oh yes I do! However these plans will solidify when I am ready. When the time is right. When the Universe decides. When I have worked through to that stage. Where the pressure is just enough to motivate me, not derail me. Where I can look at myself in the mirror and say, well fucking done you absolute legend!

So, what can you expect from this “new” blog? Pretty much what you got previously. Random musings, lots of swearing, an insight into my absolutely bonkers mind and my sometimes baffling way of thinking. Come on this journey with me, and see where this Claire, just little, old Claire Daff, ends up. Hopefully this could be the start of the biggest dream of mine, that I have had for a long time – to have my very own book!

Until next week……

Claire xx

The ugly truth

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The fucked up thing with some mental health issues is that, to have any chance of progressing beyond the dark pit of doom, you have to learn to accept that this will be an ongoing tussle for the rest of your life. I am not going to use the normal thrown around words such as fight and battle, as these basically imply a war. And yes, at times it absolutely feels like that! But it isn’t ALWAYS like that.

Add into the mix that what society as a majority wants, and you might spot yourself in this, is a quick fix. An answer to everything. A cure been handed to them with very little work put in from their side. Someone telling them what they should and shouldn’t do, often because they don’t trust their own judgement. That part I absolutely relate to, and it makes me so sad.

These two elements added together are what ultimately ends up with people on bridges, people stock piling medication to lethal levels, people going out and get smashed off their tits as they have no other way of dealing with the constant shit that goes on in their head, and this way they can pretend they are having a fantastic time whilst secretly hoping they get hit by a bus, choke on their on vomit or die by assault.

Sounds fucking brutal doesn’t it? Trust me – unless you have been there you genuinely can not imagine the pain and anguish that goes through a persons head who believes unconditionally that the only way to end the pain, the only way to make those around them happy, the only thing that makes any fucking sense in this world anymore, that holds any certainty, is death.

I was going to apologies there, I wasn’t realising I was that dark today, and ultimately this blog will be positive I promise, but this shit needs to be said. People need to sit up and yes, in some cases, often a majority of them, the system is failing them – big style! There are some people who need immediate medical and clinical support, along with a network of support and love around them. Ultimately though, here is the stickler – THERE IS NO QUICK FIX. It’s fucking shit, if I could invent a miracle cure for us all I really would! But you have to be willing to work for your better days. You have to be able, or at least willing to, to begin with, to meet those helping you 50/50. And that leads me onto the hardest part of my own personal journey – self worth. You have to believe yourself, what others around you are saying, that you are worth it. That you deserve to live. That better days will come as. You have to have even just a fraction of wanting to live, to be able to beat those internal demons.

That lack of self belief, that feeling of giving up, that desire of wanting to die, is what kills people. Is what should have killed me. My Guardian Angel was working overtime that day!!! Once you get to that point, if you have been able to get there without any awareness or intervention from others (I deserve an Oscar I swear!) I hate to be really blunt here, but that is when death COULD be inevitable. I originally wrote will be, but it still isn’t necessarily what happens, as sometimes, as in my situation, something unexplainable occurred. You could be stopped at that final second, or survive the attempt.

I have had many conversations this week alone, either with suicidal people, or about people who are presenting with that risk. Many is not an exaggeration either! It is emotionally draining, that much is true, but I can feel their despair. I can still, 6 years down the line, feel it on a personal level, or at least the ghost of it. These people are what made everything click back into place for me. As for the last few days, but even the last few weeks, I have been so close to throwing in the towel. To walking away from everything I have worked so so hard for, because I was so overwhelmed and tired! This isn’t a line of work where you can switch on at starting time and off again at end of the day, it becomes a very strange way of living. I have got better at boundaries, more so professional than personal, if I am honest, but still, when you have lived experience of these things people are struggling with, it can be so hard not to start living it with them. To not feel completely responsible, to feel so helpless that although what you say about better days and such is absolutely true, that I am living, breathing proof of it, that words just seem so empty. So hollow. But this week has reminded me why I do what I do, What I have done so far and what I am planning on doing in the future. Life is not at all what I thought it would be 5 years ago. Somethings I had planned as little as 1 year ago have either failed or been changed. But that doesn’t mean that I have failed. It just means sometimes things change as we change. Our priorities change. Our experiences change. The people around us change, Our motivations change. Our abilities change.

So yeah, bottom line – I’m not going anywhere! My master plan is being rejigged, but to be honest that is now filling me with a lot of excitement! This blog has not at all been about what I thought it was going to be haha, the sheer magic of blogging in my eyes. I shall keep my original subject under wraps as I am sure it will make an appearance soon. It just seemed that this was what was on my mind. I hope it hasn’t been all negative and gloom, and I really hope more than anything else, that the message I wanted to get across does, but if it hasn’t, here it is in a nutshell:

It won’t be easy, in fact it will be really fucking hard at times, but YOU are worth it! Maybe no-one around you knows how you are feeling. Maybe you feel like no-one is listening. maybe you feel like even the professionals don’t listen or give a shit.

I am listening. I know how you are feeling. I believe with every mm of my being that you can and will get to a more positive place. Believe me, and eventually I will help you believe in yourself. I see shiny things in your future. Hold my hand and lets get you there. You never have to do any of this alone.

I’m back, again, I think….

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It has been nearly 2 years since I put pen to paper, figuratively speaking. Why so long? Good question! The launch of my podcast and me trying to pass off that I am more technologically advanced? A tad. Truthfully, it’s more to do with the fact I completely lost faith in myself, my abilities and was (still am) completely shitting myself about what I might unearth. Considering all the hard work I was doing when I started all of this, to be at one with my emotions and all that crap, I took a few steps forward, and a few gigantic fucking leaps back! Emotions scare the shit out of me. Simple!

A LOT has happened in the years since I last blogged, and I won’t bore you all in this one blog. I shall space out the torture over several haha. For those that have not read any of my blogs previously, I shall ease you, and myself, back into these ramblings. Firstly I don’t read as I go or edit, unless I spot a glaringly obvious spelling or grammar mistake. I want what is in my head to come out in it’s most raw form. I honestly never know what will be unearthed, which has been one of the most amazing things about this blog, but as stated above, also the scariest! With this in mind I need to put in a TRIGGER WARNING, just in case, and also state that these are MY personal thoughts and feelings. I never ever mean to offend anyone, and these blogs, although shared on the Red Balloons platforms, are soley from me – Claire, not of anyone else, unless otherwise stated.

Phew! That felt very formal and official didn’t it?? Right, back to the randomness and foul language! Ahhh my comfort zone!

OK, since I was last here, have I made progress in mental health? In a nutshell – nope! In fact currently I am more up and down than a Only Fan’s members knickers! (PS not a slate of OF by the way, if I had any confidence in myself I’d set a page up myself. Could do with the funds for my world domination plan!!) However, I am even more self aware, if that is possible, of what a massive fucking mess I am! Silver linings and all that jazz. And yes regular readers, I have still not grasped the art of being kind to myself, despite my daily preaches to everyone else to do that exact thing. Oh the hypocrisy, how I love it so.

In 2022 I got a new diagnosis of complex PTSD, which although made a hell of a lot of sense, and doing my trauma timeline during my EMDR made me feel quite proud I was still here, also really messed with my head. I can’t even say why, but that label, above all of many other ones, really hit hard. Maybe it was an official acknowledgement of all the shit I have lived through, and having to vocalise it and write it down. This made it real, and I had to relive it, which was really fucking brutal! However, I think what made it worse, and also better, was realising that the trauma’s themselves, well I had actually processed them ok. Don’t get me wrong, having to go back and relive them was incredibly painful and upsetting. I can’t begin to describe the process, however I do thoroughly support it! Being back in my bedroom, as a child, with my younger brother, as I heard my Mam being violently beaten, and being absolutely sure she was going to be killed – no matter how much that is processed, reliving it was always going to be vile! (Just 1 of about 9 documented traumas my poor therapist had to hear about). Yet it became clear that EMDR was not the right therapy for me, It was making me relive the most horrific times of my life for pretty much no reason, as the trauma themselves I could talk about logically and in depth. What has transpired is my biggest issue is how the events in my life have been me see myself. My personal belief and self worth system is shot to fucking pieces, and THAT is what is continually halting my progress. That and the fact I put every man and his dig, quite literally, before myself, as quite frankly I hate myself and think I am a complete waste of time.

So, this means that now I am on what feels like a never ending waiting list for high intensity CBT, in the hopes that finally, someone can help reprogramme my brain. Do I think it is possible? No, but I really, really want it to be. I am exhausted now, I really am. I have accepted I don’t want to die, but I want to be able to accept me for who I am, not constantly chase rainbows. If I don’t find some balance soon, the life/death situation will be taken out of my hands. I have worked too damn hard for that to happen! I haven’t finished fulfilling my legacy for my children! And I know I still piss people off, and with certain people, that really fills my cup back up! haha

Add into the above that I lost my Dad in February (he only came back into my life in 2021, after 17 or so years), well yeah, things are messy to say the very least. Grief is a horrible beast and I am trying my hardest to deal with it, but there is such a confusion of emotions and thought processes. Regarding the situation with my Dad, that will be a blog post on it’s own, as I have a lot to get out I think.

However, I don’t want to end on a negative, despite how this blog probably reads, I always want them to be positive and humorous, as let’s face it, I am funny as fuck guys. In the last 2 years Red Balloons has become an official charity!! Whoop whoop. Thanks to the hard work of the RB team, especially Leigh and Phil, who took on the momentous task of doing the application, and for running the organisation as I took on full time paid work. Unfortunately being vocal and campaigning about mental health and helping others does not count as legal tender when bills need to be paid. Nightmare! So I have a full time line managers job and also do as much as I can (currently building new projects) for Red Balloons alongside that. I passed my Psychology degree, and FINALLY got to graduate in April 2022. Eeee now that was a proud day! In May 2022 Red Balloons also won our first award – the Northern Echoes’ Mental Health of the Year Award! I cried like a fucking baby I won’t lie. So yeah some amazing things have happened! I am having a mind blank but I will fill you in over time.

I still have my circle of loyal people in my life who I love with every mm of my soul. I have lost some people, as you do, outgrown each other, or simply not people I wanted on this “journey” with me anymore when their true colours showed. However, I have also gained some bloody fantastic new people! Which always makes me happy! I have also really enjoyed writing this blog, which just highlights to me that although the podcast will continue (look for Don’t Be A Dick on Spotify 😉 ) I am definitely more of a writer than a speaker!

So I’m going to leave it there… for this week. I could go on, which excites me, but I feel I need to walk before I can run. I am learning the pressure I put on myself to achieve things just sets me up to fail. I am done with failing, now it is time to succeed!! Thanks if you have managed to get this far, it really means a lot. For those that gave up after the first line or paragraph – that’s ok too. The stats still count!

Until next time xx

I’m back……..

Claire_Daff844 Comments

Wow, this is weird! Something I used so often at one time, something that helped me get through some of my darkest days, and right now I can’t remember the last time I actually did it! No, not drugs! Blogging!

I have wanted to sit down and get things off my chest many times over the last year or so, but for some reason there seemed to be a block. I am actually quite nervous writing this for some reason! But needs must and this is part of my new accountability checklist. Yes, I am that lass these days. Well, as of 10 minutes ago when there was a lightbulb moment as I was casually scrolling through Instagram.

Two paragraphs in and I am already babbling! Not a great start!

So, why am I doing this? A LOT has changed since I last blogged, and honestly, a hell of a lot of amazing things have happened! I should be on Cloud 9, and in some ways I totally am! All the hard work, all the sweat and blood and tears, ooooo so many tears, have been finally worth it! The absolute shit show that has been my life seems to now have a purpose and I am fucking excited! But you know what, I am also a lot of other things….

Scared

Exhausted

Confused

I could keep throwing adjectives at you, but these are the main three. My confidence should be sky high, I should be strutting my stuff everywhere, absolutely pissing people off with my cheery disposition and endless positivity.

But I’m not. Not even nearly. In fact, if anything, I am starting to retreat further than I ever have. Once my home was just my house, somewhere I spent only time I had to in. Now, it seems to be my bubble. My safe place. The frustration between wanting to do things like I used to and then wanting to just hide away is very high! I feel like I am constantly having internal battles and I end up that knackered, that staying home, staying in, doing nothing (well not nothing, you all know me haha) wins! I feel like although I have gained so many things, I have lost a big piece of me as myself. And I don’t even think I can blame COVID! Well, not entirely, you’re lucky BOJO!

Mental illness is a twat!

So, I promised myself that to ease myself back into trying to make more sense of what is going on in my head again, I would “try” and write things down every day. Hopefully not the big, long winded blogs of old, just daily snippets of what is going on, daily accountability like I said, a record of what I am achieving and struggling with. Maybe, alongside the help of counselling, which I am again delving back into, I can FINALLY work out what the fuck will kill these demons of mine, once and for all.

For anyone that may be reading this, who has been struggling with things, thinking that you should be happy, you have everything you ever wanted, you are so NOT alone. Our brains don’t make sense sometimes. We seem to be programmed to fuck up, or believe we are going to fuck up, and we just sit on the edge of our chairs waiting, (theoretically). I am hoping that this blog will help me, but also other people that may be feeling similar, know that it doesn’t have to be this way. That together we can get through everything the voices or memories in our head tell us we can’t.

And that endless positivity? Oh it’s coming back, baby!! In abundance!! You may want to delete me now! haha

3 things I am grateful for today:

  • The amazing people in my life
  • Black coffee
  • The sun

See you tomorrow!

Me xx

Be Kind (she says to herself)

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

You would think that with coming up to 8 weeks of lock down, I should have been spouting out blogs like I do swear words, but you know what? I just haven’t had the mental capacity. Words have failed me. Hard to believe I know! As the days and weeks have rolled on, talking about how I feel and where my head is at with everything has got increasingly harder and to be fair, it has been doing my tits in! Why does shit like this always happen when you are so close to that “breakthrough” moment?? It’s a piss take! Although let’s face it, I say shit like this, who the hell could have predicted that any of this would happen? And it’s not your bog standard shit either really, is it? So my point has therefore become somewhat moot. But hey ho! It’s my blog so I can say what I want.

Have I learnt a lot through these past 854238 days? Yep! Probably a bit too much, but how I am TRYING to see it, as with all other shite in my life, these days have been sent to test me, and as I am stubborn cow, the only thing they will do is make me stronger. Cringe alert, but it is true. I have realised that I am in fact quite the little house wife. I am the worlds WORST parent teacher, to the point that I hold my hands up and say I have done about 2%. But despite the guilt trip newsletters from the school (yeah, really!) I couldn’t give a flying fuck, as my 6 year old son, who suffers with anxiety at the best of times, has been happy and is healthy. He may have had way too much technology but he has also read, been out and about, played and more importantly, laughed. I have had so many lush kisses and cuddles. I want him to look back on this and see that although I am no Mary Poppins, that is for damn sure, that his Mam was there for him. I don’t want him to remember fear or uncertainty, just life as it was. A little bit different to normal. Whatever normal is!

My daughter, she has been my sidekick and an amazing form of comfort and support. I really don’t know what I would have done without her! But I hate to see her so stressed over her GCSE’s and all her school work. Missing her friends and whatever normality meant to her. She is the one I am most worried about but also the one I am most at awe of. Don’t get me wrong, she has her flaws and she knows it. She can be a right little git! But as with everything in her life, she just gets on with it. She might have a meltdown, but she rides it out and then starts again. I just wish she could see just how truly amazing she is. She is just mint at everything, and bloody drop dead gorgeous! I have learnt a massive amount of respect for her. I am and always will be her Mam and not her friend, but to have formed the relationship we have now, the one I honestly NEVER thought I would have, has meant everything.

I have learnt that if I thought juggling uni and running Red Balloons was hard before all this, when I was here, there and everywhere, it is nothing compared to how stressed I have been and how much I have struggled since all this CoVid crap. When I say struggled I mean really struggled. To the point that if, again, I wasn’t so bloody stubborn, I would have sacked it all in. I really would have. Because in my head, I just cant do it. I have never felt so thick in all my life. Things I know just wont come out right. Exams at home? What a fucking joke! I have so much respect for all my friends and anyone else out there who is in education, because fuck me, it is hard! We have earned this summer off that is all I can say! But to throw it at another angle, although I still have three pieces of work to submit before I can breathe again, I HAVE done it. I have muddled through. I may have done things arse over elbow, and there is always a chance I wont pass and will have to resit, but I have tried. When I really didn’t want to. I have learnt that passion will get you through the worst things. When you believe in what you are doing, it does help you along, even if you’re kicking and screaming!

I have learnt that there are people who are really going to boil your piss, more so than when we have freedom. People I know and people I don’t. I have also learnt that I really need to bite my tongue a bit more, or at least take a breath before I speak or type. But at the same time, I am nobody’s fool. I am not afraid to say what I think or what I see, even if the way I actually feel is a whole lot harder to vocalise. The way I feel, and the thoughts in my head have been absolutely horrible. Scary at times. And I have come so so close to the edge of my hole again, resorting back to old, familiar habits. But I got brave just in time, and have managed to open up just enough to take some power back. I have managed to start to explain to my other half just how fucked up I really am. He doesn’t pretend to understand it, but he does listen. He can’t make everything better and make me see what he sees, but he can make it all quiet when he hugs me and I know that he won’t let bad things happen to me. In general, or from myself. I am, after all, my own biggest enemy. We drive each other fucking mental, but at the same time we just get each other. And through these last 8 weeks he has kept me laughing. We have had so much random fun, the neighbours must think we are bat shit, but it doesn’t matter. To be fair, we completely are! And proud! And we are building a gorgeous home together. There are definitely silver linings!

So anyway, tomorrow starts 2020’s Mental Health Awareness Week, and this years theme is amazing – Be Kind. I have so much planned for Red Balloons. I really hope we can make a lasting impression and reach as many people as possible with even the littlest of things that we do. Look out for social media LIVE’s, virtual walks and runs, blogs, songs, quotes and whatever else I decide to throw into the mix! Recently I have done, and received little acts of kindness, and the difference they make is unreal. Yet the one promise I want to make to myself, starting from this week, is to BE KIND to myself. I have hated myself, abused myself, wanted to disappear and felt like a fraud, a failure, a bitch, worthless, fat, ugly and all the rest. I have felt like a burden to those I love and have doubted their love for me because I just cant see or believe what they tell me. BUT I know now, that they deserve to have a me that knows her worth, I might be needy, moany and a right crazy pain in the arse sometimes, but they still love me. They haven’t fucked off and left me. They are supporting me and encouraging me to be me. And as I think these people are all kinds of fucking amazing, and I would never question their opinions on anything else, I need to stop questioning their feelings and thoughts about me. I would NEVER let anyone talk to anyone else, and least of all themselves, the way I have been talking to me, so therefore I need to sit up and take note!

Do I have a plan of how I intend to be kind to me? To be fair, not really yet. I only decided to do a blog when I started typing, so apologies but I am incredibly under prepared. However, for the first time in what feels like forever, I have some time coming up where I will be completely alone for some hours during the day. I am scared shitless you know. I don’t tend to do well when I am left alone with myself. But I am determined to get to know myself again.  To spend some time figuring out what makes me tick. What triggers me. What makes me feel good. What do I want? What don’t I want? What can I do to make myself feel good?

I did a challenge a couple of years ago where I had to say one positive thing about myself every day. It was fucking hard! I struggled after declaring that my simply fan-fucking-tastic sense of humour was epic! *Insert that weird smug/sarcastic emoji here* but I think it did help. So for MHWA I am going to stick to the daily themes we have and do a post of one thing linked to that theme. Should be interesting!

Anyways, I think I have had enough keyboard therapy for one day, and bored the socks off you enough. Bet you’re glad it’s Sunday! So I shall leave this here. And go and do whatever else is on my list of To Do’s. As always, thanks for reading. Please, look after yourself, look after each other and BE KIND.

Claire xx

 

Meh!

Claire_Daff845 Comments

I have started and trashed about three of these blogs. Some over 1000 words long. Why? I don’t know. It just didn’t feel right. Did it help getting the words out and not publishing them? Maybe it did, but not to the degree that it has stood out as something I should be doing actively at the moment.

You know what is frustrating me the most? I feel so fucking selfish! EVERYONE is in the same boat, we are all fighting the same crisis, worried about friends and loved ones, segregated etc. In fact, on paper, I should be laughing fucking tea cakes. I have had (until recently) both my children with me full time, I now live with my partner and I also have his youngest son with us, so the house is busy and full of noise. We are all in good health, well physically at least. He is a key worker so gets paid and I am a full time student so can work (in theory as let’s face it, up to this point, I have pretty much done jack shit!) on my uni work and work on building Red Balloons. I can do workouts at home. I can run as I have a treadmill. Etc. Etc. Etc. See, I am basically a giant bell-end for saying I am struggling.

But I am. Life has got to the point where it is really fucking scary, and if it wasn’t for me having Craig and the kids to look after (and them looking after me), I would feel really lost and bleak. They are actually keeping me sane! And let’s face it, anyone who knows me knows I am no Mary Poppins! I have developed a cleaning and tidying habit that is verging on neurotic. I have always been a secret worrier, but now I am just worried about everything. I think I am so tired all the time as I am constantly fighting the catastrophic habit I have. It just takes one tiny little thread of thought and I light up quicker than flash paper! I have cried so much the last 11 days and to be honest, half the time I couldn’t even tell you why?!

Every day I seem to have a new issue. Proper fun this Anxiety malarky – NOT! Today, I feel rotten. When people are dying, and feeling incredibly poorly and worrying about losing their homes and jobs etc, I am hating on myself because I feel fat and quite frankly, ugly as fuck! I dare ANYONE to tell me that that is not selfish. Because I know it is, and I am disgusted at myself. My brain is truly being the biggest cunt known to man at the moment, and anyone who knows me knows I absolute hate that word, so hopefully it kind of gleans a bit of emphasis on the thought process I have.

Do you know the worst part about it all, around it all, I am actually happy. Yeah, make sense of that if you can?! Madness isn’t it? Please, someone tell me they understand because I feel like I am driving myself absolutely bonkers!

I think the problem is, we are so used to a certain way of life. We never realised just how good we had it, how much freedom we had! There are so many things that I have taken for granted, that now you can’t help but wonder, are we going to get these things back? They no doubt wont be the same for a long long long time, if at all. So I want to make myself smile by remembering the important things, some I still have the luxury of having, but more to also make a pledge to myself to look back over this blog at random intervals in the future, to remind me just how fucking lucky I really am!

  • hugs
  • Seeing my friends whenever the hell I want, FACE TO FACE!
  • Going on mad little walks and adventures with Craig when the kids are at school
  • The kids being at school!
  • Being able to walk freely around a shop without having to queue, to avoid everyone and without the proper guilty feeling plus the sense that everyone who sees you is judging you.
  • Being able to pop out for, well anything! A coffee. A mooch into town. A pint.
  • Going to the gym. God I miss the gym!
  • Alone time. Up until this point, I have actively avoided alone time wherever physically possible, but now I know that everyone needs a little bit. And I mean alone time where you don’t have any agenda. Just to, be! To not have to think or worry about anything.
  • To be able to actually plan and look forward to the future! Holidays. Day trips. Dates.

So, I need to give my head a shake. I need to accept that it is OK to feel crappy. Let’s face it, I had my fair share of issues before all of this shit, so I would have incredibly stupid to think that something this massive would not effect me! Despite it feeling pretty impossible with all the uncertainty and mixed messages (yes you UK Government. About as clear as mud as per!) I need to practice a damn sight more gratitude and appreciation for what I have and my situation and also keep my usual annoying positivity! We live in a world where we can keep in contact in so many different ways. We can actually have Facetime conversations, virtual drinks, etc. It may last a long fucking time, and unfortunately there is going to be A LOT of heartbreak and pain for many, but this IS temporary.

I do however need to end on a bit of a soapbox rant, because lets face it, I am good at them and they do relieve a lot of stress. WILL PEOPLE STOP BEING DICKS!!! And I don’t mean like the pity rave I have just had for myself. That shit is ridiculous but to be fair, understandable. I mean DO AS YOU ARE FUCKING TOLD! Stop meeting friends and family when you know its fucking dangerous. And certainly stop bloody bragging about it! We all want to say fuck the system, but this is peoples lives we are talking about. You’s will be the first ones to moan when this goes to full lock down. Which it will now! And god forbid you lose anyone because of it all. As they keep saying, yes you are more likely to die if you are elderly or have health conditions, but as they have proved recently, this virus does not discriminate. Healthy adults, babies and children are dying! And these are just figures recorded from hospitals.

If you are in the shops, or work in shops, stop being so preoccupied with what everyone else is buying and doing and look after you and yours. So what if Sandra is buying paint with her pint of milk, or Ted has a crate of lager with his mince. Not all items are essential, but that may be their only trip this week. That paint might be the only thing stopping Sandra from spending all day in bed. That helps her mental state. That lager that Ted has, we all have a vice. Who are we to judge? These times are bloody hard. We can only hope that he drinks responsibly.  As long as all health and safety measures are being followed. Don’t argue with staff in supermarkets because your normally 30 min trip now takes about 60 minutes with all the queuing. They are trying to keep you, and themselves safe, whilst keeping you in things you need. Stop slagging people off for whatever reasons (a few I have seen that have proper boiled my piss are: how people look, what peoples idea of passing time consists of, that helping others was a smokescreen for personal gain?!) just because you are feeling shitty. We are all feeling shitty. If you cant be nice, shut the fuck up. Caroline Flack and what we supposedly learnt has been sharp forgotten hasn’t it?!!

This is far from a perfect situation. Let’s face it the whole bastard thing is a pile of wank and we are all fed up! And things will only get worse for a while, until they start to get better. So lets all just help each other out. It really isn’t hard. Is it? Once this is all over, let’s hope that whatever valuable lessons we have learnt throughout all this, we continue to remember. We continue to be grateful, to not take those we love for granted, and all the rest.

No idea if any of this has even made sense haha, but it’s helped me. And as it’s my blog, that is what matters. I hope it might bring a bit of solace to some. To help everyone remember, that despite being alone, we are never truly alone. We cant always be there for everyone all of the time, but if we can honestly say we are trying our best, then that is what matters. And please, please, look after yourself too. Massively hypocritical comment coming from me, but it really is so important. There will be loved ones that rely on you more than ever at the moment, it is important you are as strong as you can be.

Stay safe. Stay home. Don’t be a dick!

Claire xx

February Flop

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

You could be forgiven for thinking that this blog is going to turn into another angry/moany/miserable blog, and if I had written it earlier, to be fair it probably would have been! But I think I have successfully procrastinated long enough this time that it shouldnt be as bad as it could have been, but will hopefully still get my point across and have the desired personal effect. Win win! (She says with bated breath)

NB – what the hell is bated breath anyway? Answers on a postcard please!

Anyways, what’s the deal with the negative title? Well negative yeah, but also true, and honesty is what this is all about. I come across mostly (I think) as this highly motivated, hyper, smiley, Duracell Bunny of a lass that always seems to be doing something, hitting her goals, etc. But in all honesty, I think I miss more than I hit. Am I ok with that? Am I fuck! But it’s a fact of life, and it’s in own weirdly. wonderfully, warped way, it actually motivates me more! I continue to set goals, to beat myself up over my failings but it makes me want things more!!

My Fitness February goals were the start of my monthly Physical/Mental/Emotional game plan for 2020. Each month I will set one goal for each, February’s were:

  • run 1 mile OUTSIDE everyday
  • read at least 1 chapter of a book every day
  • write 3 things I am grateful for, you guessed it, every day!

I started off so well! Some canny fast miles, amongst gym workouts and such. I read 3 chapters in 1 day! I was going to bed and adding my 3 things to my little diary with my giraffe topped pencil that my daughter gave me. Then, I don’t know, I could come up with a whole load of excuses but basically, life got in the way and these little things, that all together would take up only around 30 minutes of my day, fell to the way side. And now, I am beyond frustrated with myself!

Now, for the mile a day I do have a genuine reason. Again, same as last year, around the same time to be fair as last year actually, I have knacked my calf! It had been niggling and I took the very unusually sensible decision to stop that mile challenge early on in the month. I thought it was ok again and had signed up for my first official race last Sunday, my first proper trail race, around Holme House Prison. Thought it would be a great way to restart my running off. I was feeling positive. T’other half took me, treated me to a Macdonalds breakfast, sat and had a laugh which calmed my usual nerves. Race started a bit late as it was actually really busy; muddy and soaking, it was loads of fun! On a decent pace, playlist was banging – then disaster! Half way through a muddy puddle, my calf just went! Agony to the point that for the first time since I started my running journey, I knew I couldn’t even drag myself around limping. It was my very first ever DNF (Did Not Finish).

On the day I was pissed off with myself, but I took it really well. I out-stubborned my stubbornness and knew I had done the right thing stopping (plus there was no medal so I was more OK than I usually would have been). I could have created an injury that would take months to heal if I had continued, even walking. Apart from being frustrated and hating on the runners on the treadmill at the gym (sorry guys, but we all know we do it!) I have been still training what I can, which has helped. But you ALWAYS want what you can’t have and I am literally craving a run. Complete weirdo I know! I would have been good, calf is starting to calm down and ease up a bit now, but Tuesday night, out of nowhere, for still no apparent reason, Anxiety decided to jump out and kick me right in the fanny! Queue dramatic overthinking, absolute self hatred and the most horrendous feeling in my gut that something horrible was going to happen. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Depression is quite easy to deal with for me, I understand that side of me and what effect He has. Anxiety is whole different ball game and I fucking HATE him! He is the one that could completely fuck things up for me because I just become irrational. I am absolutely the Queen of self sabotage and if I press that BIG RED BUTTON, well let’s just say no one wants that!

I was literally just making the kids tea when I felt that feeling wash over me, my body go all tense, my stomach knot, twitchiness started and my brain lost the ability to think properly. I become even more random and zoned out than normal as my brain tries to race against Anxiety and find out what the fuck is going on. There was literally NO reason for it! All of a sudden I was thinking, “why am I at uni, I’m shit. They don’t want me there. Red Balloons doesn’t need me any more, my volunteers do a better job. I am of no use. I feel like a spare part. I feel like a fraud. My house is a disgrace. I’ve let myself down. My face is hideous. My belly is fat. My boyfriend is having second thoughts, I’m annoying him, he could do better.” Amongst many other crazy things. My mind when it is like this always reminds me of when a kid grabs a pen and just goes akka scribbling all over a blank bit of paper!

I was good this time though. Although I didn’t say exactly what I was thinking, I did open up that my Anxiety was high and I did express some of my concerns. Fos such a gobby person, I say it all the time, I never shut the fuck up, but what I say is often of no substance. As blunt as I am, with no filter, with every other aspect of life. when it comes to myself, I go round the houses until people either get confused or lose interest. It honestly works a treat! I am epic at avoidance, deflection and distraction. Too bloody good to be honest.

Maybe it is the time of year? 6 days until my “anniversary”. Maybe my mind is going into the good old psychological survival mode of fight/flight/freeze? Any and all of these are used depending on the circumstances. I can get incredibly defensive very easily when asked the simplest of questions. I feel like people are getting at me, that I am letting people down and being a complete head blag. Despite the many times my counsellor tells me off for being a dick (literally) I still feel like I shouldnt be putting shit on people. That I am responsible for my own issues, that I have spent 35 years dealing with them myself. The thing that upsets me the most, although fortunately for me, I seemed to have lost the ability to cry again, is how much the self hatred comes back. I never feel like I am good enough. If it wasnt for Red Balloons making me be “out there” I would retreat. And everyone who knows me knows that I should NEVER be left with my own head for too long. I am getting better at spending time with myself, but there is certainly still a limit!

Anyways, I am hoping this blog will kick my arse and when I read it back it will have the desired effect of making me realise that my thoughts are irrational and that I am doing my usual thing of catastrophising everything. Yeah I am aware that there will be hurdles. Nowt in life ever comes easy! But that I am more than capable, intelligent (hard to believe but really!) and strong enough to cope with shit. I may still have the occasional dark thoughts when I am mentally exhausted, and yes, I am possibly more vulnerable in ways I never have been before, which quite frankly scares the living shit out of me, but I know truly that everything happens for a reason. I dont know if  I will ever be able to accept that I NEED people, but I will admit I want to. It just feels really shit that every time I start to open up somehow, something happens that makes me quickly start putting bricks back in the wall. I can do all this alone if I need to, but yeah, I dont want to.

Hopefully after this week is over and done with, my moods should stabilise again. I hope the annoying thoughts and knot in my gut fucks off. For anyone that has to deal with me this week, sorry. I may blog more. I may be less around than normal. I’m not really sure how all this will be for me, but I will keep fighting. I promise.

Now, what should my March goals be??

Claire xx

 

 

Mind your own fucking business

Claire_Daff844 Comments

Yeah, the title of this blog may give away that it wont be a happy, smiley. shiny, positive one this time. I have a lot of emotions but anger is certainly simmering away at the forefront of them all. Probably not the best one to end my writers block with, but then again, maybe it is!

Let’s get the important stuff out the way, there will certainly be a hell of a lot of swearing I am sure, these are MY opinions, MY thoughts, MY feelings. It is MY blog. I always encourage feedback and your thoughts and opinions, and in no way do I ever mean to cause pain or offence. And finally, the most important part – TRIGGER WARNING. There will be a lot of talk about suicide. So please, feel free to close down the blog now, no hard feelings. You need to protect you.

Another day, another new report about suicide from another “famous” person that felt like ending their own life was the only answer. RIP Caroline Flack.

It is one of many recently, certainly here in Teesside, of people who just feel like there is no other way out. It never gets any easier or less shocking to read, in fact for me I think it affects me more every time. I will never ever give up campaigning or talking about it. I will never stop hoping that my story could help one person. I always hope that Red Balloons can encourage just one conversation that could save a life. I will never give up hope that this horrific epidemic will reduce or end! I’m not naive to think it will ever go completely, but what is life anyway without a little bit of hope.

But let’s get things straight, if people were a lot fucking nicer, or at least kept their noses out of things that have fuck all to do with them, then maybe, just MAYBE, some of these heartbreaking incidents would not happen. It is is as simple as that! The newspapers reporting the tragic death of Caroline, are the ones dragging her name through the fucking dirt! Who are sending their “heartfelt” condolences when last week they were calling her all the names under the fucking sun. Who are sharing “Breaking News” stories but taking absolutely no fucking responsibility for the part they had to play!! The general public who were sharing these news stories and laughing and making jokes are now “shocked”, “saddened” etc. BULLSHIT!!!! Everyone seems to think they have a right to be involved in everyone else’s life, with no consideration to the consequences of their actions and words. Trust me, words hurt more than any fucking punch to the face, and I have had both!

Yes, she did wrong, if what is reported is true. Yet it has fuck all to do with any of us. It was the duty of the courts and our legal system to decide. What right do we or the newspapers have to spread absolute shit, to call names, to feel like we are superior? How are we any better than anyone else? We are not!! We are all individuals. With our own individual qualities and shit bits! Because, shocker alert, whether we have money or not, whether we choose a job in the public eye or hide away behind the curtains, we are all human and we need to start fucking acting like it!! If you cant be nice, say fuck all! And there is not one single person out there that can say they haven’t done something shit in their life! We all live in glass houses, no one should be throwing stones! We all make mistakes and have to deal with the consequences. But NO ONE has the right to make ANYONE feel like they are not worth it. That they should be dead!!

As you can tell, this has massively touched a nerve. Not just because of what I do now. Obviously mental health awareness and suicide prevention is my day to day work now. But because I know what it feels like to have been talked about and treated so badly that there seems to be no other way out. To have been made to feel like absolute scum of the earth. To have had to constantly defend myself. My actions. MY FUCKING LIFE. If my decisions and actions didn’t fit in a particular box that suited people, Jesus! How very fucking dare I? Ill mental health is a massive factor in suicide, but what people can’t always get their heads around, is there are also so many circumstances that can massively escalate these thoughts and feelings. There are people who have not suffered ill mental health at all and still feel like killing themselves is the only option. And 9 times out of 10 it is because of the actions of others!

We are ALL struggling with something. We all have things going on in our lives. And a lot of the time we all live a decent proportion of our life on social media. I still don’t think that gives anyone the right to be able to fixate on someone else, judge and sometimes tear them apart simply because they think differently. For the last however many months I know all too well how much this hurts. However, despite the low points, I am very lucky to be able to say I stuck by my decisions, my feelings and I stand tall. I am now happy and moving on with my life. I have been taken off the suicide “at risk” list which was a huge moment for me, although I am back in counselling and this time I am feeling empowered! I am stronger than I was before and I can actually see things, and people, for who they are.

I am choosing to share a lot less of my personal life online now. I want to still be able to blog, I am hoping this will end my writers block as I have struggled massively to be able to communicate in many ways. But the tide is changing.

I feel for one time only, I should clear a few things up though. Quickly and simply.

My marriage completely ended in 2019. My decision. I don’t need to go into details, me and him have talked (and talked and talked) and we both know the others thoughts and opinions. We are now working on building a friendship where we can work TOGETHER to make sure our son is happy and secure. That he feels loved and that he understands what is going on. Both my son and daughter are HAPPY! Doing well in school and life in general. I am very very proud of them and how they have dealt with the whole situation.

I am now in a relationship with a fantastic man, who I love very much. He has stuck by me when any sane person would have sacked me, my baggage and my insanity off a long time ago. But he stands by my side every day, makes me laugh every day, picks me up when I fall and makes me want to throw stuff at him every day too, but is quite simply one of the best people I have ever met. I just hope he can say the same about me. Even when I do his bonce in with all my PMA, positivity, it will be ok shit. Although, as he knows, i’m always right ;).

There has been a hell of a lot of people who feel that they were entitled to a say in this, and assume they know things. Things of which are utter bullshit I may add. So for the very last time, NO I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. The ex is now in a relationship with a proper lovely woman too. So if everyone could just draw a line under everything, and let the 4 of us get on with our lives, the way we want to, that would be great! He is happy. Let him be happy. Let us all be happy. Have your thoughts, have your opinions, but hey, here is a better idea, keep them in your head! Or even better, see the title of this blog. Thank you kindly!

So let’s end on a positive, now my anger has waned and I am feeling like I can breathe again. If you are reading this and feeling proper shitty, please believe me when I say, you are loved. You ARE worth it. There is a quote I love, that I know if you’re in a bad place you will roll your eyes at and tell me to fuck off BUT I swear it is true. You are only ever sent things that you are strong enough to deal with. You don’t have to deal with these things alone though. There may be a lot of people who say these things and they are empty gestures, bit harsh but let’s face it, true. But there is always at least one person. I promise.

Easier said then done, especially when it comes from people who are meant to love and care for you, but honestly, life gets easier when you stop giving a flying fuck what people think. Live YOUR life how you want to. Especially if you are going to be judged anyway. As I said to my daughter, if you are going through some drama or life issues at the moment and you feel like you have no control, remember, you will be tomorrows fish and chip newspaper. I know all too well how dark things can get, but please, please don’t give up.

If the media succeeds at anything, I hope it is raising more public conversations about suicide and mental health. My thoughts go out to ALL the families affected by suicide. I am so very thankful that nearly 3 years down the line, I am still sat here to piss you all of with my ramblings. So today, instead of, or as well as, sharing a news article, a meme or whatever, how about you drop someone an “are you ok?” message, give someone a call, give someone a hug. I bloody love hugs!!

Claire x

 

 

 

It’s good to talk, but it’s not always easy!

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I make such a big deal about talking all the time, it is proven to be the best thing for people, to be able to get things from inside onto the outside. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that jazz. But what happens when you lose your ability to talk? Well about anything of any substance. What happens when you have so much going on in your head that you lose the ability to actually vocalise anything that you actually need to say? What happens when you genuinely start to think that you are losing your mind? What happens when the self doubt in you has sank in so deep it has started to rot your core and question everything you thought you did know about yourself?

I open my mouth to say things and it is like there is block. The words won’t come out. It’s like I am so fucking scared of what will happen when they get said, that they just sit, in the back of my throat, staring at sweet freedom. Not daring to leave the sanctuary that is me. The thing is, a lot of the words I need to say are not directly me. There are things that are going on around me that I don’t have any control over, they are not my stories to tell. Yet they are having a massive impact on me, and that is making me feel incredibly selfish.

It is such a viscous circle. Mental health is a fucking ball ache! I am sick as fuck – in probably every sense of the phrase. You know that saying “one step forward. two steps back”? Well I am living that very saying every single day at the moment. There are amazing things happening in my life that should have me bouncing all over the place. massive cheesy grin on my face and basically doing everyone’s tits in with the positive vibes. But everything just seems so dirty. Everything has a black tinge. It is like I have gone back over on myself and I keep thinking that all these bad things are happening because of me. It is my fault. These people wouldn’t be suffering if it wasn’t for me. I thought I had won these particular demons in counselling last time. But somehow the little fuckwits have managed to sneak back into my head, and they are pissed that I won last time so they doing all they can to take their revenge.

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

The dreams are the worst. Not just ones when I am sleeping. My day time ones when I haven’t realised but I have zoned out and my brain is playing horrific scenarios in my head. Where people I love are dead. All I can see is their pale skin, their haunting eyes. Their blood and their bruises. Read letters that they have wrote saying I have let them down, that I wasn’t there for them. That it shouldn’t have been them, it should have been me.

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have over the last 2 weeks. They say that crying is good, that it soothes the soul and all that shit. Well can I ask, how much do you need to do?? Reckon I have easily filled at least one bath, starting on the second one was I write this. I know this is because I hold so much back, keep so much to myself and tell myself that I can don’t need to burden anyone. I retreat because I feel so vulnerable. Those walls I used to have are starting to crumble and I am hugely exposed. I actually have to start to protect myself using other methods. I actually have to start asking for help from other people, and I hate that. I hate that I worry other people, feel like I am constantly seeking validation that I am not what my brain is telling me. That I am not a fraud, a failure, a bitch, an attention seeker, a bull shitter, a ruiner of lives, a hassle, a burden…………

Maybe this blog is exactly what I needed to do. As always the clattering of the keys is actually soothing me, but I am scared of what I am writing, of putting the words onto paper (well screen), of actually making the insanity reality. But those people closest to me deserve the best me. The me they know I can be, that they can see, while I can’t. They deserve to not have to worry about me, to be able to look after themselves. So as much as I want to just disappear, as much as sometimes I think that deleting me from their lives will be the best thing, I absolutely refuse to give in. I am not alone, no matter how lonely I might feel at at times. I have people who love me, all of me, even all the dark, rotten parts of me. And I want to beat this and come back stronger for them.

I owe these people my life. More importantly, I want to do this for me. Because I know I am a good person. I really am. I have a huge heart. Too fucking big at times, and I will forever put anyone before myself, but I just want people to be happy. To live lives that make them smile, that they wake up to every, or most, mornings wondering what the day has in store for them. What will make them laugh, what adventures they will have, big or small. Who will they meet, new and old. What will they achieve. What will they go to bed being grateful for.

So this World Mental Health Day, what am I doing or going to vow to do, to make positive steps forward?

I am thankfully back into counselling. There was some clarity given which I will be eternally grateful for, a straight talking, no shit attitude, that has encouraged me to look at things from a different angle. Not what I cant or haven’t done, but more what I CAN  and HAVE and WILL do. There are so many things I have no control over, but what I do have control over is how I respond, how I react, how I move forward and what I can put into place to ensure these things don’t happen again.

I have my coping strategies that I will be bringing back – my running first and foremost. I am currently blasting Florence and Machine at top volume as music always helps gain perspective. Writing things down that I can’t say.

I have my safe places. The places where calmness runs over me. Where I don’t have to be busy, where I don’t have to distract myself or pretend I am someone, or be someone else or what someone expects or needs me to be. I can just be me. Everything just slows down. Everything just makes sense. I can’t be in these places all the time, but what I can try and do is remember how I feel when I am there. The way my body relaxes. The way my mind just quietens down.

I am part way through the revamp on my house, turning it into a comfortable and relaxing home, instead of the cold and empty house it seemed to be, A place where I don’t want to avoid anymore. A place where there will be a lot of love and laughter. Where I am not ashamed to have people visit.

Most importantly. I vow to be the very best Mam I ever could be. I won’t lie about the fact that life is fucking hard, that I make mistakes, that the mess I make painting is a complete and utter metaphor for me as a person and my life! But I will show  my children that you should NEVER give up. That you should always know your worth, despite those that try and drag you down or tell you otherwise. I will never stop fighting for my children and what I believe in. More needs to be done, much much more, and I will do whatever I can.

So, yeah. Talking is fucking hard. But it DOES help.

Claire xx

 

Time to smell the coffee!!

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First off, let’s just give a huge round of applause and cheer for Cara Lisette! The person that gave a massive middle finger to the latest bullshit and potentially, highly damaging comments made by none other than President Trump, in the media this week!

This blog is going to be a bit (probably a lot) ranty but I swear there will be a lot of positivity in it too. For a start, it’s Friday and at 830am, I have already had a canny little morning! Picture the scene, I am sat here at my desk at home, flowers from last week still going strong, emails caught up with, a GIANT mug of coffee because without coffee, adulting is just hard! Music is on in the background and at regular intervals I can hear the crazy laughter of my son, watching god knows what on his tablet, which ensures there is a big smile on my face!

So, lets jump right in to my main reason for this blog and the rant that has been boiling up in me since I first saw the news, and then subsequently all the social media feeds. I write my blog because mainly, it helps me get some of the demons out of my head and into reality, where their power diminishes and I can flick them away like an annoying ant. Yet, there is another reason, that is becoming equally important. I want to help get rid of the, quite frankly, SHIT opinions and stigma that goes with mental health illnesses. We are in 2019 for fucks sake, and yet there are some people still spouting utter crap about subjects they know fuck all about! Or maybe they do, and this is their way of trying to pretend that they are too good for this shit, that they are invincible, that mental health issues are not something that could EVER effect them.

Will people PLEASE start to realise that these conditions are illnesses! We who suffer with them have no choice in how we suffer, or with what conditions we get labelled with. Same as we don’t choose to actively go out and get a life threatening disease or break a bone! We don’t sit there thinking, “life has been a bit mundane at the moment, let’s go through a bout of severe Depression and plan how to end our life!”, or “oooo there is a party I really want to go to, all my friends will be there. But, wait! Feeling sick, having a bad headache and getting a panic attack at leaving the house, so bad that I think I am dying, sounds equally as fun!”, or even “I really love the taste of vomit and feeling of the shame spiral into darkness, so I’m going to knack a tub of ice cream, a parmo and whatever else I can get my hands on, and spend an hour in the bathroom, under the cover of complete secrecy, until I get rid of all this from my body. You know, for shits and giggles”.

Will people get a grip! The media needs to seriously sit up and take note of what campaigning is going on from mental health advocates and sufferers, not ignorant high profile figures, who would not have a fucking clue if it jumped up and twatted them on the nose. Listen to the REAL LIFE stories of people who suffer with these horrible illnesses. Listen to how people really FEEL. How isolating it can be, especially when ill mental health is, YET AGAIN, getting blamed for the absolutely horrific violence that is being carried out across the world! Pop over to the Time To Change website and check out FACTS! The majority of crime and violence is carried out by people WITHOUT a mental health condition.

  • In 2009, the total population in England and Wales was just over 43 million. It is estimated that about one in six of the adult population will have a significant mental health problem at any one time (more than 7 million people). Given this number and the 50–70 cases of homicide a year involving people known to have a mental health problem at the time of the murder, clearly the statistics data do not support the sensationalised media coverage about the danger that people with mental health problems present to the community. – Time To Change

90% of people who die through suicide are suffering from serious mental distress. I’m going to say this just once, so please listen – PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSES ARE PROVEN TO BE MORE DANGEROUS TO THEMSELVES THAN ANYONE ELSE!

I can say this, because I know first hand that it is true! Any regular readers of this blog will know at least parts of my story. I was and never ever have been, a risk to ANYONE around me. Despite my alter ego “Patricia” being absolutely horrendous (I realise now, she is my protector, but that lady is scary!) I have never thought about hurting another person. Violence has never been on my agenda! The only person I have ever wanted to hurt was, *gasp* MYSELF!

Whether that be through planned and executed suicide attempts, off the cuff attempts like when I cut myself and ended up being taken to hospital in a police car, or when I would regularly make myself sick, several times a day. Yes, binging and purging was not only a way of trying to lose weight for me (which ironically never actually happened) but it was a way to control and punish myself. Being sick so much that I would get dizzy at times and think I was going to pass out. Binging that much that choking on my own vomit in the desperation to get the crap out my body was a strong possibility, and hand on heart I have had more than one scary moment where I thought, fuck I have gone too far this time! This is all violence, but every bit, every thought, every action was aimed at myself. I deserved the pain and torture. Those around me that I love so dearly didn’t, and still don’t, deserve any of this. The best way in my head to make it all better for them was to take me out of it, to either die or to disappear so far into my massive black hole that they would all think I had gone for good and therefore walk away and leave me there. Save themselves so to speak.

But you know what, yes my mental health is very severe at times and causes a lot of despair and pain BUT, it has also created a life that I could have only ever dreamed about. We who suffer from these vile illnesses are not victims. We are survivors. We don’t choose these things, but what we can do, is use them to our advantage. To take their power and use it for good NOT evil. From my experiences I have some amazing opportunities in my future.

I run my own charitable organisation, dedicated to using exercise and a healthier lifestyle in order to support those who suffer with their mental health and would like to learn new ways to help themselves, around professional services. I am soon to start my own radio show to promote this organisation, as well as other organisations. To help share as many REAL LIFE stories of mental health and how it affects a persons life. To encourage people and to help them realise their true worth. I am also soon to be trained as a Peer Support Facilitator Trainer through a side project from national Mind – Get Up Set Up. I will be travelling around the country, helping peer support groups set up in their local areas. I am also a full time university student. As well as being a mam, daughter, friend, boss…….

This, all of this, is because of where my circumstances have brought me. This is all because I got so very poorly, I tried to end my own life, and I NEVER want ANYONE to feel like that. No one deserves to feel like that. Everyone is on this planet for a reason. Everyone has self worth, whether they can see it themselves or not. I can. I can see it. And I will spend the rest of whatever life I have left, helping those that trust me to, to see it in themselves too.

As well as me, there are thousands of amazing mental health warriors out there, sharing their own story. Helping others just by being them. To name but a few, Stephanie Addison, Matthew Williams, Alessandra Botham, Coach Clair, Aiden Hatfield, Cara Lisette…….. I could go on. That doesn’t even hit on the famous people, A – Z, that also use their platforms to spread the word too.

There are also so many people that suffer but who aren’t ready yet to share so publicly, but do what they can to help too – volunteering, blog, share posts on community pages, regularly check in on their friends and family. But these people are just as amazing as us who are their mouth pieces.

So yeah, Donald Trump, Piers Morgan and anyone else who has such vastly INACCURATE views on mental health – either get clued up, listen to those that actually know what we are talking about, or shut the FUCK up, for the love of whoever is above! You really do not know how much damage you could be causing!

Phew, glad I got that off my chest. As always with posts like these, this blog is MY BLOG. I encourage people to feedback and to share their thoughts too. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. But these are MY thoughts and feelings.

Thank You

CC xx

#JustSaying

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I wasn’t really expecting to be blogging so soon after my last one. I just had an urge to start typing. I do hope this one holds more positivity and light than the last one, but at the same time, I do know the ones that are the hardest to read and write are often the ones that have the biggest impact on me.

In regards to the last blog, I just want to firstly say Thank You to those of you that took the time to read it. I know they can be quite lengthy, and that one was dark. I have had some truly lovely messages and comments, I feel very grateful that I have such an amazing support group behind me. I don’t often understand why people stand by me or want to be there for me, but I will never ever take it for granted. You are my lights in the dark. At the same time, I need to acknowledge those that were affected by the blog. I won’t apologise for it as this is about me and me being honest, but I truly never  meant to hurt anyone. I never want those that mean the world to me to ever think it was their fault. And I promise (I know I have already done it to your face, but here it is in print for future reference) that if I am ever sat in that place again, I will reach out. I understand.

So, what has changed then? Why am I blogging? Well, I think that getting that dark place out in the open did actually create a tiny chink of light for me. It helped spin me back round to at least facing in the right direction. The thing is, although I have my coping techniques and such, I have had to accept that this time, it is a very different situation. The twat Depression has tried a new angle, came back with a new identity and we are trying to suss each other out. The fat fuck feels like he is sat right on my chest, and I have times where I struggle to breathe (literally as well as figuratively)  but one thing you should NEVER do is under estimate me or my strength.

The last time things were this bad, yes, I did the exercise, I did counselling, I did blogging, I threw myself into anything and everything and basically became one of the busiest people in Teesside! I never sat still, I never stopped working, I added so many bloody balloons to my bunch that I was starting to resemble the cute little old man from UP! Although slightly less bloke like, I would hope! Thing is, despite all these things working for me on the surface, and helping me achieve some pretty fucking amazing things (did I ever mention I ran the London Marathon??) it was well and truly just a git big massive case of distraction techniques. I had kind of dabbled in the pond, caught a few little tiddlers, but I was nowhere near ready, or even properly equipped with that was lurking in the deep water. My monsters. I just had a little stick, some string and a bit of corned beef when I needed a big fuck off rod with all the bling and gadgets and shit that comes with it.

I have had to go out and buy a rod. These monsters need catching and they need destroying because I refuse point blank for them to destroy me. They have taken my pleasure for the things I love and care about, they have made me shut off from those that love me and want to be there for me, they have taken my sparkle and my witty personality and had me hiding away because I just haven’t had the ability to be able to “people”. Not to the extent that I do. I am an incredibly social person. I crave interaction and laughter and life. I love adventures and experiences and not giving a shit. I love fun. I love to crazy dance in public places, mime along really expressionfully to my music when I am out and about, pet dogs, stroke cats, say Hi to absolute strangers and just smile at those that don’t say anything. A smile is a powerful thing!

These things are Claire. These are the little quirks that make me me. Along with my absolute lack of common sense, ability to say the STUPIDEST of things as I don’t have a filter or think before I speak (guess who mistook a seagull for a fighter jet!) My absolutely filthy sense of humour, my lack of inhibitions when it comes to talking about subjects others may shy away from. My kind heart, my dirty laugh, my cheeky smile and the fact I would do anything for anyone if I thought I could help them.

These are the things I refuse to lose. Today, I have had a little spark back. A song came on and for the first time in over 3 weeks, I had a little dance round my living room. I came home from taking Noah to footy club and got straight on the treadmill and smashed out a HIIT workout that had me absolutely dripping! Is it even classed as a sweaty session of your wrists and calves aren’t soaking too? It felt fucking mint! I posted selfies again, I made a healthy breakfast and actually enjoyed it. I went back to bed,just because I could and felt no guilt. Now, I am ready to get sorted for tonights Run & Rant, come home to watch the final of Love Island and chill the fuck out! Yep, me – chill!

My moods may be up and down at the moment but I know that I can steady the ups and downs to more maintainable motions. I just need to make sure I take time for me and spend time with the people who make me smile and happy, whenever I can. Those that I love. I may have lost my way a bit with Red Balloons, but that is an internal thing, that is no reflection on how well RB is actually doing. Like I said in the last blog, I am stripping it back. Massively reducing my work load and taking it back to basics. I wanted to save the world so bad, I just added too much to my poor ass, and it collapsed. Red Balloons has a purpose, a reason, it is a service that is very much needed and I could not be more proud that it is my vision (with the support of my awesome volunteers and trustees) that have got us to this point. I no longer need to go to the opening of an envelope, I can be selective about what I choose to do. This way, not only do I end up with more time to actually live MY life, I also make sure that RB will never lose it’s way. It will never lose it’s passion and it’s honesty. It’s ability to believe in people, to encourage and support.

If you are a person or organisation that I have messed around recently or fucked off, I do sincerely apologise. That is on my head. Please do not judge the organisation itself and what we stand for, by the actions of this daft lass who was so busy avoiding the fact that she was falling too quick to save herself. Emails and messages will be getting replied to this week. If there is anything that I have left too late to be able to salvage, I just hope that there is another chance down the line. I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason though, and if it was meant to be the right time for something, it would have happened.

My plan for the next 5 weeks? To restart my training, to set up a time table for RB, to plan future projects (got some exciting ones in the pipeline), to get organised and motivated ready for my second year at uni, but most importantly, to take time out to just be me. To get myself back to a physically, emotionally and mentally safe place, to be the fittest I can be and to hopefully inspire and motivate those around me. I no longer want to feel guilty for living the life I WANT and deserve. So if you’re with me, let’s do this. If you are against me, watch the door doesn’t get you on your way out.

CC xx

I was lost, but now…………….

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Truthfully, I have been putting this blog off for ages. I actually have no idea what I am going to write to be honest, but I will say, there are some things in my head that are not good so there could be some triggering content. Please, if you are in a bad place, I urge you to consider whether this blog may be the best thing to read. You and your health is much more important than reading the random blabberings of this daft arse.

I feel like so much has happened over the last month or so, I have no idea where it all started. “It” being the current, horrendous bout of my arsehole mate Depression.  This time it is definitely on par with 2017, and in some ways, I actually feel worse. I feel like I have been emptied out. That I am a shell.  I have done the opposite of what I did last time and I have completely retreated. I am doing  the bare minimum. Breathing is proving to be a struggle. I have lost all desire to exercise, which I love and I know it makes me feel better. I feel like I have completely lost my way with Red Balloons and I have no idea what the fuck is happening with it all.  I feel like all I am doing is messing people around. Hurting those that mean the most to me, confusing them as they don’t know who this Claire is either. I have lost the complete ability to talk. To anyone. Properly. I feel like what I am feeling and what I have to say is utter shit and why the hell would anyone need this when they have their own issues?

The worst part is when I do start to open up, even just a tiny bit, I feel like I get shot back down. Or that I am saying the wrong thing and making things worse. I am so fucking confused that I really don’t know my arse from my elbow at the minute, which could make toilet time rather interesting! I think from how I come across, face to face, as a professional, in social situations, it can be very easy to forget and very difficult to understand that this is an illness. This isn’t me being a dickhead, just cos I can. You would know when that was occurring because quite frankly I am a GIANT dickhead. I don’t hide things on purpose, I don’t close off because I think it’s the best thing for me, I have just lost complete and utter control!

Let’s be honest, circumstances have in the past and still do have a lot to do with where my state of mind goes. I have people tell me I am strong, yet I have never felt more weak. I have had to make some very serious decisions recently, I have had to put me and my sanity (or what is left of it) first. And for someone who never does that, it has been a bloody horrible experience, as I can see first hand the pain that I am causing. I know 100% that walking away is the right thing to do, for both of us. If I have to be a bitch about things to get my point across, I will! Because when my Mam turned around and said, if you go back Claire, I will be forever worried and waiting for the call that you have killed yourself, I actually saw the genuine fear in her eyes. I saw just what my frame of mind is doing to other people. The thing is, she very nearly go that call a hell of a lot sooner.

The other Saturday it all became just too much to bear. I ended up in a place I swore that I wouldn’t be in again. I felt so desperate. So incredibly lonely. Those feelings of worthlessness and despair came back so strong, they took my breathe away. I was crying so much I thought my heart was actually breaking. All I could see was me being the common denominator in every thing that has happened. All the shit that has happened, I seem to be the centre of it. These people, through my life, they can’t all of been wrong? I am a bad person. I do bad things. I hurt people. I cause issues. I make messes. I am a fraud. A faker.

I don’t want to die. Truly I don’t. But at that moment in time, the only way I could see any way of making any of this better, to stop all the hurt, pain and confusion, was to take me out of the equation. I sat on my kitchen floor, all the medication I could find in front of me. I sat like that for hours. Willing myself to just take them. To just do what needed to be done.  I could see history repeating itself. My children thinking that certain ways of living are acceptable. I may be a certified psycho, there are people out there that would love to use my mental health issues against me and would be happy to take my children off me (never ever going to fucking happen) but one thing I know is I am the best Mam I can be. I wont ever be Mary fucking Poppins, or that lass from the old Bero cookbooks. I may not get all creative with them, making paper mache models or whatnot. I may not have the money to buy them loads of stuff, or take them all over. But what I do know is I would literally die for them. I have so much love to give them. I am so in awe of the two amazing people that they are growing up to be, despite the fact that, let’s face it, I have had my part to play in messing them up!

 

So, it is time to step up now. To show them what they deserve to see. What I deserve to feel. How, despite all odds, you can come back from the brink of despair, even if you were hanging on by your fingertips! I WILL be stronger. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason I didn’t take all those tablets that night. There is a reason why I have done what I have done. Why I am feeling what I am feeling. I won’t have anyone make me feel bad for being me. There is a reason that certain people are in my life.

I am going to step back because I need to see just what I have achieved and built over the last 2 years. With Red Balloons, with friendships and relationships, with my children. These things are going to be the motivation I need. At the same time, I need to step back and really shine the spotlight on myself. I need to finally, really believe in myself as a person. I need to find me. I need to find my fun side. I need to learn to relax and to not put so much pressure on myself over everything.

As my very wise daughter said to me, I won’t let anyone love me the right way while I don’t love myself. I need to respect myself. To not accept anything less than I deserve. This is going to ruffle a hell of a lot of feathers. But I tell you what, I REFUSE point blank to be sat on that kitchen floor again. I am a good person. I have a huge heart. I deserve back what I give out. I want to feel safe, protected, understood, supported and the rest and I will not accept anything less. From myself and from anyone else. I won’t run on anyone else’s time scale. I won’t feel pressured or controlled. No one has control over my destiny apart from me. I will always fight for what I believe in. I am no quitter.

So yeah, watch out, because I’m coming back! And this comeback is going to fucking epic!

But first, time to relax and enjoy the summer. Hopefully with those that mean the world to me.

A massive THANK YOU to those people who haven’t given up on me recently. Who have just accepted me as I am. Who have just been there. Who have never given up on me, despite everything.

You’s are my light in the dark.

CC xx

Reality Check

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

I reckon this will be a blog of two halves, bu you know me, I completely go off on a tangent regularly, so lets face it, who knows what this will actually be about. One thing I do know I want at the minute, is for it to be predominately positive. Because as much as I bitch on, I am actually a canny positive person! I shit you not!

Oh before I go any further, the T button on my keyboard is being a dick, so if some of it doesn’t make sense (more than usual) you know why! Use your imagination to decipher what I might be trying to say. Probably be a lot better than what it originally was haha.

So, did you know, I’m running the London. Marathon in 2 weeks? No? I have been very quiet about it I know! But yes indeed, I am. Yesterday was a bitter sweet day as I had some fantastic meetings for Red Balloons, but I also had to finally admit that my calf is not right. That means at least another week of no running, I had to cancel last nights Run & Rant which I absolutely HATE to do, but I also had to cancel my Vale of York 10 mile on Sunday. A race I was very much looking forward to doing. And even worse, I have a canny few friends doing it too. Piss, fuck, wank!!

I don’t do sensible, so all this resting malarkey is seriously getting on my tit ends! But when I have something as important as what I do have coming up, it’s a case of not being the giant stubborn dickhead I normally am and thinking I know better. Well actually it’s not even about that, I know what I should do. I just dont usually care. Do as I say, not as I do, as I tell my children probably every day! However, for once I am being a good girl. The horns are holding up my halo.

I want to say a bit about the reality’s of training for a marathon, if like me, you are just a bog standard person, with a shit tonne of responsibilities, a mild drink problem (problem being I dont drink enough, obvs) and a lover of pretty much anything edible! It fucking hurts. I don even mean the injuries. Just in general. I posted a status on my FB last night in the hope it would gain me some pity/shut the fuck up donations. I always thought that marathon runners are like, tip top prime condition. Erm, well I’m not! I am actually feeling/looking the unhealthiest I have for ages! I have actually put on weight! Now I know that is down to the fact I am seriously stress eating. Yesterday, if you were near me and stood still long enough, I’d have ate you! The weight thing obviously plays havoc with my stupid brain, so for the next few weeks I will be avoiding full length mirrors. Just the way it has to be. However, I do know once this is all over, it will be full steam ahead for getting my semi abs back ready for IBIZA!

The other things I wasn’t expecting though, my face has more spots than a dot to dot. My eyes look like they have sank back in my head (probably from the constant eye rolling actually). My skin WAS grey and dull. I am knackered! Like proper fucked. And not in either of the two ways I like to be! And my trademark tongue is covered in ulcers, which I wont lie, knack! I know it is all stress. I know that it will soon be over.

People mention the mental aspect of running a marathon, and I could genuinely understand it. But to the extent it actually fucks with you, you have no idea. I know there will be people out there who run them for shits and giggles. I salute you! But I can honestly understand now why only 1% of the worlds populations runs one! It feels like it has literally taken over my life. If I didn’t have some amazing distractions and support in my life, I truly think I would be in a padded cell by now. I am boring the shit out of myself with it all.

But you know what, in 2 weeks and 2 days, I will be a bona ride MARATHON RUNNER!! Fuck yes!! I will have ran one of the most famous marathons in the world, in my home country, in my capital city, incidentally a city I adore. I will have done what I NEVER thought would ever be possible. I am no athlete. I am no seasoned running. I kind of treat running like pretty much the rest of my life, I wing it. I act in the moment and think later. I want to be that person that inspires even just one person to take a leap of faith in to the scariness of whatever, and do something they never though they could ever do. And honestly, until they do it, will probably still not believe.

I cant wait to soak up the amazing atmosphere. To meet some amazing people. To see some amazing sights. I also know, that no matter how much pain I may be in physically at any given point, it can never feel as painful as being so lost and mentally ill that I no longer wanted to live. If I can survive 2017, and I mean literally survive, what is a marathon? My muscles and my bones and whatever else can and will heal. One thing I know for sure, once I cross that finish line, I will never be the same again.

So yeah, in this moment in time, I am actually excited!! I am doing my best to visualise the Finish Line, to imagine what I am going to be feeling once I have cried my eyes out and wiped all the snot away and made sure from the paramedics that I am actually not dead! A lot of this excitement is down to those that believe in me. That check in on me every day. That listen patiently when I am being a massive drama queen and those that resist the urge to stab me when I am bitching on, AGAIN! I am reading loads of inspirational stories, looking forward to meeting some virtual friends face to face!

For the next two weeks, around Red Balloons work of course, I may not be able to run, but because of this I have decided to trial a new system of coping. My balance is very off, I am constantly busy. So, my challenge is to regain some me time that doesn’t involve being busy. I had a facial and massage today and apart from the fact I look like I have a brand new face!, it helped me realise. I always tend to feel shit about myself, how I look I mean. Yet, I don’t ever spend any time actually looking after myself, so how can I be surprised? So I am vowing to spend more time looking after myself in other ways. Ways I am not familiar with. My eating and training will be back on point in just a few weeks, so it’s time to work with the rest of me. Because I deserve to be the best person I can be.

Wow, I can blabber on. Anyways, again, for all you that support me, thank you. It means the world.

YES I CAN!

CC xx

Now then Anxiety, you absolute……..

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So, I have had the idea of this blog in my head for a few days to be honest, but I am glad I have waited as I feel I can do it a lot more justice today, or at least hopefully do a better job of vocalising it than I would have.

I talk quite a lot, probably more than anyone wants to hear, about my mate Depression, and how he affects me. But I dont really talk much about the other aspects of my mental health, of which have been diagnosed, but for some reason, dont get the same air time. Yet, honestly I think sometimes actually affected me more. What am I talking about?

Anxiety.

Depressions dickhead best mate!

I feel like I couldn’t actually have one without the other these days, yet realistically Anxiety only joined the party while I was in my last job.

So, why today have I chose to write about this delightful mate of mine. Well to be frank, he has seemed to leave me a lone a bit recently so I believe he assumed he should have one hell of a welcome back party! What a delight that has been – NOT!

I am currently sat on the train back from London. I am very lucky to say that I have been down to meet the other fantastic members of the Get Up Set Up group, and have the first of at least three meetings this year. What is Get Up Set Up, I hear you say? Well you didn’t as you have absolutely no interest, but I shall tell you anyway! It is a group of fantastic individuals, who over the last few years have set up their own peer support groups around the country. We have people from Scotland, Manchester, Nottingham and everywhere else. Our job as a group is to meet and to come up with a brand spanking new network, that once developed, will support other peer support groups around the country. Whether it be an idea by someone who wants to start a group, an established group that needs a bit of advice and guidance or a group that wants to grow. Lots of great things discussed today so the future is mega exciting! I need a new table for all these pies!

But anyway, I digress. Anxiety. Anyone that knows me that I can never be on time, I HAVE to be early. And when I say early, I prefer a good 30 minutes breathing time before any meeting/appointment/travel planes etc. I used to think it was just a quirk, something I had developed because I would do anything to be out the house! So today, I was getting palpitations at 7am just assuming the taxi that was actually due at 720 would be late (he wasn’t). I have no idea why. There was no reason to believe that he would be late! He arrived on time, got me to the station on time, everything was going great. Then checked the signs, my train was delayed. But ok, 16 minutes. I could deal with that. I did my maths, worked it all, checked the walk to the meeting.

Thing is, from that moment, with all the planning and shit, unbeknown to me, I had unlocked the cage that I had managed to trap that twat Anxiety in! He didn’t make a full TA DA escape, oh no, he waited. He sneaked. A bit like I do when I am drunk. From getting on the train there. just seemed to be delay after delay. We had to go on the slow track (I didn’t even know there was such a thing!). We got into York over half an hour late. But it’s ok, the conductor said we could go back on the fast track. Ideal. Panic over (all of this occurring at 9am I might add for a 1130 meeting).

But no, the time on my phone decided to speed past, a lot quicker than the bloody train was going! We get to Peterborough station, good that I know I am only one stop away from Kings Cross, but it gives me shudders! You see, for those hat dont know me, I am hazard! How I get through life is a mystery and me and public transport DO NOT mix. I have got on wrong trains, wrong buses, got lost in places I really shouldn’t have, and trusted that sly cow Google Maps who basically just likes to piss about with me when I need her when I am walking!

The Peterborough story; last time I was in London, not for the first time, I got on the wrong train! I was sat on the floor, all by my lonesome, clearly a damsel in distress (HA!). The ticket person came by, took my ticket and literally looked at me like I was a bit of a shit on his shoe. You are on the wrong train Miss. Sorry I didn’t realise (gutted at this point that I didn’t have giant boobs or the ability to flutter my eye lashes without looking like I was having a fit). £88 or you have to get off at the next station. No chance was I paying £88! But had I know just what Peterborough station was like, in the dark when it was all shut and isolated, I would have! 90 minutes I was “stranded” on that platform, like an extra waiting to be eaten by a zombie or something!

So we get to Peterborough today, and I shuddered a bit. Looks as shite in the daytime as night time I might add (sorry any Peterborough readers, if there is any). This is when I realised what time it was, and I could feel the increase in my heart rate, feel the shallowness of my breathing. Tried the music distraction technique, focused on the outside etc but no. I thought I was doing ok though. Then the tannoy goes, we will be arriving in London at 1132. What?? My meeting starts at 1130, I have to get out of the station and walk a good 15 minutes to get to where I need to be!! That was it. My head went. To make matters worse, when we got nears to KX, we got stopped, in a bloody tunnel! Argh!!

For me Anxiety is, when it kicks in properly:

– itchy skin

– struggle to breathe properly

– very rapid heart beat

– I tap. For some reason it tends to be my lips. The more anxious I get the more I tap.

– My legs also start to proper go, like I am bouncing a classroom amount of babies on my knees!

– I cant concentrate on what is going on around me. I tunnel vision. Everything except for what I am worrying about fades away.

I just want to say a huge thank you to the man that was sat next to me. I dont know if he had any idea that I was struggling, maybe he was just a proper lovely man? But when we got into the station, he stood straight up and gave me space, he grabbed my coat down for me and stood back so no one could get past him as he let me out. I needed to get off the train before my chest and throat really closed up and I started to panic, so this man is literally my hero today!

It has been a great day, a great meeting, but all of that just left a sour taste in my mouth, and unfortunately with a headache from hell all day. One of the glorious side effects I get. A long with sickness and the want to just sleep.

I think I wanted to post a blog just to kind of highlight a bit about anxiety. Many people just assume you are being annoying/dramatic etc as the signs are so different to “standard” mental health issues, yet can be just as, if not more in some cases, rehabilitating. I can suffer for days from an episode of Anxiety, as I think it is more to do with the fact that Depression, I know how to kick his skinny arse. I know what the signs he is coming for a visit are, I know how to get him to go before he settles in and should be paying rent. With Anxiety, he confuses me. He is like a swift mental health Ninja! I dont like feeling out of control and that is what he does to me, he takes away control of the one thing I should always be able to control, ME!

That and I am also writing this as I am pretty sure the man next to me thinks I am trailer trash, sat here with my lager lol so if I looked busy, then surely it is more acceptable? No? Aw well. Shit happens!

So, again, a whole of of randomness, as per usual CC. But I hope maybe someone somewhere might take something from this blog, even if it is just a smile at me being a giant dick.

Until next time.

CC xx

49 days and counting!

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So shit is getting real, real quick! My very first marathon, and what a one to start (and most likely end) with, the London Marathon.

I have mentioned it several times and of course, if you have me on social media you will have seen my not so subtle begging for fundraising posts, but I haven’t really yet talked about it in great detail and certainly haven’t blogged about it! I think in all honesty I have been burying my head in the sand with it all, because I am flipping petrified!

Never in a million years did I think I stood a chance when I entered the ballot of actually getting a place. It was only my second time of entering, the odds are ridiculously low and there are people who have been trying for 18 years and have still been unsuccessful!

Honestly, when that envelope was on my floor on the day the results were given, I had no idea how I really felt. I had had a nightmare day from Hell where everything that could go wrong did and Depression was being a prick. Was this the cherry on top of a shit cake? Or was it a silver lining on a dark, wank day? Do you know what, I still have no bloody idea!

The emotions going through me change constantly but the truth is, the biggest, most painful one is absolute fear. I am 100% shitting my pants and unfortunately I do not deal with fear very well. I hide. I close down and shut up shop. I do anything in my power to self sabotage because quite frankly those feelings of rejection and failure seem to take over me. Yet, I know I am not a quitter. There is no way I am NOT going to do this. I know I am stronger than I ever believe. I know my fitness levels are actually pretty decent considering I drink like a fish every weekend.

It’s not all bad. I am excited too. I LOVE London and what a way to see as much of it as possible in one go? One painful way like, but still. I am going down on the Friday morning as I want to take in as much of the atmosphere as possible. I think truly, apart from 30 mile trail ultra in September (that is a whole different story), that this will the one and only marathon I ever run. So I want it to be memorable, for the right reasons, not because I get crated off in an ambulance!

Let’s face facts, I am nowhere near where I should be in my training plan. The longest run I have done to date is only 6 mile. Yep, that’s right, I just have another 20.2 miles to find in me, in 7 weeks! Due to the aforementioned self sabotage I have also got a stone at least to lose to be back to my pre freak out weight! I certainly don’t make things easy for myself! But I know I can do it, because I have done it before. And weight loss is probably the hardest thing I have had to do, alongside parenting and opening up about my mental heath struggles. I am not where I need to be yet, but that is just because instead of following the path, I have went right round the houses, and ate all the pies! It is not a cul de sac though, there is no dead end. I a just counting it all A’s experience and time on feet. I am not one who learns from her mistakes, and I will continue to fuck up royally in all sorts of areas, but I will not give up until I am where I want and deserve to be. Even if to get me there you need to drag me kicking and screaming! Though I’d rather dance it if I am honest.

So, where do I go from here? How much can I get sorted in 49 days, with everything else I have on my plate? Well firstly I am not going to focus on a time for the run. When I do that it becomes very overwhelming and as I said, I shut down. So all I want, is to finish. Whether that be in 5 hours or 8 alongside the road sweepers. No matter what time I do do it in, it is my first so it is a guaranteed PB! Bonus or what? I will picture that finish line, with medal and GIANT gin on every run I do. I am not going to follow a strict plan, as then I beat myself up if I can’t do what is required or I fail. I am just going to do whatever I can, whenever I can. I intend to get out an walk 26.2 mile in one go over the next few weeks so at least I can see that one way or the other, I can do the distance. I am going to aim for one long run a week. But I will be doing a lot of cross training too. I have refound my love for weights (and ignited the passion for the DOMS pain again) so I will be doing that too. I aim to exercise for 6 days, with one “rest day” as such.

What other things can I do that will help myself? This challenge is going to be physical but emotional and mental too so I need to cover all bases. I have started a food diary as this way I can see when I am missing meals and when I am binging. This should help me spot any potential patterns but also helps keep me accountable. I wont be mindlessly eating if I have to think about what I am doing in order to write it down. Although the weight loss is important to me, I refuse to go back to that place where I binge and purge. The feelings can be strong at the moment when things feel out of my control but although I know it gives me a quick and effective release, I don’t want to be back there. For the sake of my poor teeth more than anything else!

Water consumption has always been a HUGE issue of mine. It is so easy to drink 26 cans of cider, but to even get 2 glasses of water in me can seem impossible. For this reason I have downloaded an app that shout acts me to have a drink and gets all arsey with me if I don’t! I’m hoping if I stick with it for a few weeks it will finally become a habit! So that is my diet plan really. Not to diet as I know they don’t work but to make necessary changes.

For the other parts, blogging will have to become a big part, as it is one way to get the shit out of my head. This will help keep Depression’s daft arse cousin Anxiety at bay, or at least calmed down. He only really comes into play at 2am ish but he deffo has a field day with me when I let him! So blogging should help with that. I also need to make sure I am making some more time for me. I know I love and need to be busy but in the lead up to this wrath on, it is vital I learn how to chill out. Even just a little bit. Netflix might have to become a close personal friend, since Depression has taken away the joy of reading for me.

What can others do to hep me? Well donate please!! That would give me a MASSIVE boost! All money gos into Red Balloons in order for us to grow and help more people across the Tees Valley area, and further afield! Humour me on my FB posts, sometimes I will be having a bitch and moan and no doubt you will get proper sick of me, but seriously, all your support and encouragement means the world to me and keeps me going on the proper cap days. There will no doubt be times when you need to talk me off the ledge! Not that I am dramatic or anything haha. And if any sports massagers out there want to help me by giving me a weekly rub down, that would be handy!!

OK, so that’s my random ramblings from today. Tomorrow is a new day and a new week. One hell of a busy one but it is right in my hands to control. It is down to me whether I have a good week or a bad week, and after how good I have been feeling the last few days (all the smiles!!) having a bad week is just not an option to me.

I can and I will!

CC xx

One of those days!

Claire_Daff842 Comments

I don’t know if I would like to class myself as “lucky”, but I have had a good run of good days. Actually no, great days to be fair! Considering it is the school holidays and with being off work still, lack of routine often messes me up completely, I have managed quite well. Being so busy with Red Balloons, enrolling at uni and my Great North Run training has definitely helped (not actually sure how I had time to go to work!).

I suppose this is why I am taking this bad day a bit harder than I should or normally would. It has completely snuck up on me. I could have just pretended I was OK and got on with things but I have genuinely learnt a lot through my CBT and about myself recently. It would not be fair to myself. or to anyone that follows me and what I do if I lied. I am getting good and celebrating the good days, where I used to spend them expecting the worst. In the spirit of being a genuine mental health campaigner though, I cant and I wont, give up being honest.

Now, first off, my bad days are considerably different to what they were. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to not exist, I don’t spend all day thinking how pathetic/useless/worthless/ugly/fat and all the rest, I am. I can still recognise that I have a lot of pretty amazing stuff going and I appreciate that under all this fog, I will still be excited. The light IS at the end of the tunnel, I just seem to have ran back a bit for some reason. So it is a bit further away than it was the other day.

Ironically, considering I blog, I am not the best at actually describing things so I will do my best to explain how I feel.

I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel like it is too much effort to turn the corners of my mouth up and smile even though I know for a fact it will make me feel better. I don’t want to get out of bed (actually blogging from there right now) yet I feel like I should be doing loads of stuff. I haven’t ran yet and I feel crap but at the minute I just don’t have the energy. I am finding it hard to concentrate, even on mind numbing TV like Homes under the Hammer. My attention is distracted easily. I caught myself scrolling through social media and not having a clue what I had even seen!

So, here comes the pathetic part (in my opinion). I just want a cuddle. I want someone to look after me. I know I have people who love and care for me, but I want to feel like I matter. It is irritating the crap out of me even writing this! But this is how I feel. I feel like I want and need to cry but the tears wont come. I want someone to take everything off my shoulders, just for a little while. I want to fussed and made to feel special. I don’t want to feel like I am expected to do everything myself. I want to be a first thought in someone’s mind, because of who I am, not what I do.

Eurgh!! I hate it when I am like this. I am strong, independent woman, and I really am! But here is the truth, I DO need people. I do need support. I do need to feel wanted. I need to feel needed. I don’t want any more babies and I never will, but for the first time I miss my babies being babies. All I wanted this morning was to have them laid on my shoulder like they used to, listening to their little breath in my ear and watching their tiny fingers curl and uncurl. Smelling that unique baby smell.

In that moment I was someone’s whole universe. Although both my experiences were very different, I know now I didn’t appreciate those moments fully. I even miss the middle of the night moments where it felt like we were the only people in the world. The deep, dark silence but content that they were exactly where they needed to be. The only time I think I have ever liked silence if I think about it. Silence is normally my enemy.

I hope this is just hormones. I really do. Although I hate Mother Nature, I need her to make an appearance as I know that if she does, everything will make sense and I will feel a sense of relief. Everything will make sense again. I hate that I keep snapping at people, especially Noah. My already restricted level of patience is hanging on by a thread and although I hate this miserable feeling, the anger stage is even worse and I don’t want that to surface. I may be nicer these days but I still have the potential to be most horrible bitch you have EVER met.

I just cant be arsed with this crap in general. So now I have had my whinge I need to turn things round. I accept I am having a bad day, but I don’t have to let it grow and become worse. I need to self care. If that is lying in bed until I can be arsed to run, so be it. If it is doing Red Balloons work then I will. I know my idea of self care is a bit crazy to some people, but it is all better than nothing. Maybe I will take some daft selfies? What I will do though is keep being honest. I wont hide away. I will reach out to my friends if I need to. If anyone wants to take on the task of making me laugh, I encourage that you do!

Normally, old CC would have apologised for being like this and even writing this. But this one wont. I am human. I cant help sometimes being an angry, upset mess of a woman. Sometimes I think we need to throw a gigantic pity party!! With loads of wine and shots and chocolate and parmo. Cheesy music, questionable dancing and even worse singing! That is the BEST part of being a lass I think! Faye, we need to sort this!

I love blogging. I feel a bit better already. Kind of like I have gave myself a good talking to. I have taken a few deep breathes and will just take today hour by hour. No actual plans. Just, be and do.

For anyone who is feeling it today, we are in this together.

It really is ok not to be ok!

Love

CC xx

 

You’re more than a piece of paper!

Claire_Daff841 Comment

It’s that time of year again, RESULTS DAY!

The day that students nationwide find out how they did over the last year. I can barely remember mine to be honest but then I suppose it was a century ago! No in all seriousness, I can’t but I’m not sure why. Maybe I was that anxious my brain has kind of deleted it, or maybe I was incredibly chilled as at that point I was an “adult” and it didn’t matter? I’d do what I wanted any way and I had found the joys of alcohol and boys! Nothing else really mattered now I finally had a taste of freedom that many of my friends had had for a couple of years before me.

If I look back, yes I know I could have done better. Up until the last year I suppose I have given myself a hard time for “messing up” and basically living my life arse over tit. But, and it is a Kim Kardashian of a but, I didn’t mess up! I know that now!

It can seem like those results on that sheet of paper are your whole existence, crammed into a few grades. Yes, I know that for certain courses and futures, grades are important, to a degree (pun not intended but suitably amusing). The thing is, that sheet of paper is just 1 tiny fraction of who you are. If you have got what you need, CONGRATULATIONS!! That is truly fantastic and I wish you all the luck and success in the future.

However, here is the important part. If you haven’t, it might seem like it, but it is NOT the end. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT a disappointment. You are you. And in the words of Dr Suess, no one can be youer than you! You have so much more to offer than a few grades. There are always other options. There is always an alternative route. There are always people who will love and support you for WHO you are, not what grades you got.

OK, I got decent grades. I just didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. Well except for have fun and do all the things that I felt I had missed out on growing up. So I basically just bumbled through life. Now I look back though and I think, these experiences, the job roles I have had, have all shaped me in some way. They have gave me skills that I may not have otherwise gained. My favourite part is the people who I have in my life though, because of these jobs. Hand on heart I am in touch with practically no one from school or college, apart from being “Facebook friends” maybe. Let’s be honest, I am certainly not the person they will have known either, looks wise and the rest (I like to think I have slightly improved with age!)

Bar Manager. Travel Agent. Business Support Officer. These are the roles I had. Good roles, for large organisations. I got there on my own merit and in some of them worked my way up from the bottom. I did that! NOT my grades at school. Me! Through hard work, through my personality, through wanting to do a good job and not letting anyone else in my team down.

But here is the best thing about my little education story, well in my opinion anyway. I am a 33 ( nearly 34) year old, I have a nearly 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I have mental health problems – Depression and Anxiety mainly BUT I am about to embark on possibly the biggest educational challenge I have had to date. I am going to university! Yep, me!

Yeah I am concerned for various reasons but I have worked hard over the last year to get to this position. So what if I am in my 30’s? I think this actually gives me an edge. I have life experience. Jeez do I?! I am learning because I WANT to, not because my family or society EXPECT me to. I know exactly what I want the end result to be so I can focus and keep my eye om the prize. I know exactly what route I need to take. In fact I am as in control as I think anyone at this point could be.

Whatever happens at university though, I know now who I am. I am beginning to realise my self worth. All the things that have happened in my life have happened for a reason and I believe finally, despite all the pain, anger and suffering I have endured, I am on the right path.

You have to make mistakes sometimes to learn. You have to experience failure to really highlight to yourself what you want. Were you bothered that you failed at so and so? No? Then ask yourself if it was the right thing for you. Yes? Then you know that that is what you want and you start again! Life is not a computer game. There is no limit to the amounts of “Start Again”. Keep going until you get to where you WANT to be.

If you don’t know what you want yet, that is OK! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And certainly do not live your life for someone else. It is great that your Dad wants you to be a doctor, but, do you??

Age is but a number. Grades are but a letter/word. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be happy.

You may not be feeling what I am saying right now, but please keep it in the back of your mind. If you feel down, hopeless, worthless or upset, if you feel anxious and scared for the future, reach out for help. There will always be someone there to listen.

If things haven’t gone the way you wanted today, there is always tomorrow. Always a blank page. Always a Plan B.

Love

CC xx

 

Bucking the trend!

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I was reading an article in Women’s Health while I was away about how we don’t “blow our own trumpet” enough and are more likely to dismiss our achievements in order to conform to what society expects us to be like.

I am here today, on this blog to say – sod that!!

If you read this and think I am so far up my own backside then fair enough. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I certainly don’t appeal to everyone! But today is about me celebrating me! I am my own worst enemy generally, I give myself way too hard a time, slag myself off, put myself down and just generally treat myself like crap 90% of the time. It’s sad but it is very true. I would NEVER treat another person the way I treat myself so why I think it is ok is a mystery to me. Maybe most of it is my mate Depression and his equally horrible bestie Anxiety. They really do have a sick ability to warp your mind! But then maybe a lot of it has been my past experiences and the way my brain has been “trained” to think over the years. I have never ever felt good enough in any aspect of my life. Never clever enough, never pretty enough, never nice enough, etc etc etc. I am sick to death of never being enough so today I am going to prove to MYSELF that I am enough. In fact, I can be pretty damn amazing at times!

So, it’s been 1 month since I last posted on here. I have missed the clicky clack of the keys way more than I realised. In that month, it has been a whirlwind! So, in no particular order, here are a few things I have achieved:

  • Passed my Access to Higher Education with a Merit overall! This means I am OFFICIALLY starting University to study Psychology next month! WOW!
  • I am meeting with the PR people of the Great North Run today as part of Red Balloons and Mind volunteer as they possibly want to use my story as promotional material! They will be filming and interviewing me and people who have kindly agreed to say a few nice things about what I am doing. Nervous as hell!
  • Red Balloons is sponsoring a match ball for the local football team
  • I pitched at Stockton Soup and managed to raise £160 from donations as well as gain some fantastic contacts.
  • Permission has been granted to run my Community Rounders Tournament on Bank Holiday and so far interest has been good!
  • I have been accepted onto a level 2 distance learning course in Counselling Skills
  • I have been chosen as a Mind Media Awards Shortlister for the Entertainment category! Not only do I get to read some simply inspirational stories, I get an opinion on who may win an award! I also get an invite to the awards themselves in November!

I look over that list and in one way I feel like I am reading about someone else. But no, that is all me! I have other projects in the pipeline too around helping mental health in my local area. I am so proud! I don’t do any of this for acknowledgement, but I deserve to be proud and feel comfortable shouting about what I am doing because I work damn hard! I FINALLY truly love what I do, and the fact that I can help others, well that alone is the biggest accomplishment I could ever ask for!

August is not going to be the quiet time that I was expecting and I am actually over the moon about that. I love being busy, I love being useful. I love brainstorming ideas, meeting people, discussing ideas and every single day growing a little bit more.

I have just come back from a 2 week unexpected holiday and for the first time in 2 years, I properly let myself go. I ate what I wanted, I drank enough to sink a fleet of ships and I didn’t really exercise at all. The thoughts were there but I just didn’t. Yes, yesterday had me feeling crappy especially as an epic headache put a pause on my first planned run. I was starting to slip into that place where I would wallow and this in turn would end up with me in a bad place. That I can spot these things now is an amazing thing for me. It shows I am finally getting the hang of controlling my thoughts a bit more (thank you CBT!) So, I made a plan! Not a detailed one as I realise I have been putting far too much pressure on myself.

I set my alarm for 430am and surprisingly got up without even snoozing my alarm once! I had my usual bucket of black coffee then laced up my trainers and got out for my first run in over 2 weeks. I was stiff, it was difficult but 2 miles later and I was done! Yes, I set off too fast but so what? Yes I ache now, but to me that is a pain of satisfaction! And I know what I need to work on. I was honestly beginning to think I had lost my love of running but I know now I had just dulled my spark. I was focusing on the wrong things and beating myself up every time I thought I had failed. There is no such thing as failure if you simply try! Sometimes trying is the hardest thing you will do in a day.

So there we go. CC’s trumpet has been well and truly blown today and I personally think it was a hell of a good tune! It does feel weird and I will no doubt feel like a self obsessed idiot when I publish this (Rome wasn’t built in a day after all) but I bucked the trend. I gave a proverbial finger to anyone who thinks it is wrong to shout about how awesome you are!

Thanks Depression, you are definitely changing me for the better! Whether you like it or not! Thank goodness for my stubborn streak  😉

Love

CC xx

I’m still here….

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

My poor blog. I really tend to neglect it a bit at the moment. I’d like to say that it’s because things are going amazingly but in reality, although there are some amazing things happening, a lot of it has been pretty crap.

OK, hands up, I decided after a mess up at the pharmacy and me spitting my dummy out, I would go cold turkey and stop my anti depressants. I always like to think I know better and blah blah blah, but lets face it, if that was the case I wouldn’t be the “unique” individual I am. I need my medication. There, I said it!

I am not saying I am ashamed of taking them, I have been vocal that I have been on them. I just didn’t want to actually take them. In typical CC style I rushed the whole thing and assumed I felt better when in actual fact I was very far from ok. The thing with the tablets is they work so well when I am taking them, they gave me a false sense of confidence. Well, I learnt the hard way!

I have been back on them over a week now and thankfully my mood seems to be restabilising so normal services shall resume shortly. Or as normal as they get for me anyway. I have managed to complete my nutrition course so all I have to do over the summer is finish my PT qualification and continue trying to grow Red Balloons, which incidentally is going slow but well! For me, that really is a small load and in a way I am wondering if I can cope with 6 weeks of complete wind down. I wonder what else I can add to my load 😉

I know I want to do more public speaking, I want people to see the passion and belief face to face in what I am doing and why. I want people to hear my story and see that I am a typical lass, who has unfortunately suffered over the course of her life but who has managed to (sometimes only just) cling onto life with her tips of her fingers. I want to go into schools and workplaces and spread the word.

It’s only a tiny blog today. I don’t even think I will publish it on social media. I have a lot to say but nothing all at the same time and it’s a weird feeling. I just wanted to do a tiny wave and say, I am still here. I still need this blog, I just don’t know how to approach it at the moment.

I hope if you are reading this, you are in an ok place. If you are not, don’t be afraid to reach out. The first step is always the scariest.

CC xx

“How are you?”

Claire_Daff842 Comments

How are you? A compulsory day to day question! Everyone should ask at least one person a day this very question and actually MEAN IT! Then actually listen to the answer, don’t just hear the words though, look at the eyes, acknowledge the body language. See if the non verbal communication matches the verbal response.

But, and here is my conundrum,  what do you say when, to be completely honest, you don’t actually have any idea how you are?! That is where I am right now. Where I have been for much of this past week to be fair. I am not bad, I don’t think. I have loads going on and to be honest, a lot of it is incredibly positive! I am working hard, reaching out to people, being brave, or as I like to put it, not being a shy bairn. The worst thing that anyone can say is No. I can handle rejection, I’ve certainly had enough of it *ahem*.

But I feel, empty. Not sad, not angry, not confused (well no more than I usually am haha) but not particularly happy, relaxed or excited either. And I know I SHOULD be! I kind of just feel like I am existing at the moment. Which, don’t get me wrong, from some of the places I have been in my head, this is still a great thing! I want more than that! I want my moods to reflect what is going on in my life. What I am grafting my arse off to achieve!

Am I doing my whole self preservation thing again? Am I not so much expecting the worst at the forefront of my mind, but also not feeling very secure with where I am actually am? Thing is, and I know CBT is helping me slowly with this, but as I have said many times before *yawn* how the hell can I change 33 years of a certain way of thinking? Where, lets be honest, most things have fucked up!

The last few days I have been listening to more Elvis Presley again. Screenshot_20180615-123305.jpgStarted off by a programme I came across on TV. Thing is, I don’t always make the connection but after some reflecting in the bath this morning, I realise that when I am not feeling the best, or where I feel a bit lost with myself, I go back to him and his music. His voice, so familiar, so comforting. I may be a little raver girl, but Elvis is my one first, true love. Thing is, as much as he is a massive comfort, a massive musical hug, as much as he can make me feel safe and smile, he can also make me cry. Very much. There are a few songs that no matter what mood I am in, they reduce me to childlike sobbing. Yet, the pull of them, I cant resist. It’s like a compulsion, I HAVE to listen to them.

  • American Trilogy – absolute shoulder shaking sobbing
  • The Wonder of You – if you know, you know why. A VERY important song from my past.
  • Always on my Mind – love many versions of this song, but this one is the only one that brings the tears
  • Separate Ways – heart breaking. If you haven’t listened to it and actually HEARD the words, I urge you do!

There is an important day coming up this week, and to be honest I didn’t think I cared, although it seems maybe I do. Maybe after that day, the frustrating clouds will break again.

Fathers Day.

Now, I wrote a blog, a letter to my Dad last year. And I still stand by everything I wrote. I have drawn a line under that part of my life as much as I possibly can. And I have truly stopped blaming myself for all that. It was NOT my fault he was who he was, I was no less of a daughter just because I was not enough to be a choice over alcohol. But, hand on heart, I miss him. A lot. Not the greasy alcoholic he will no doubt be, if he is still alive. But my Daddy. The thing that pains me the most is, I never got to say goodbye. The last things I said to him were not very nice, yes he was being a dick, but I never knew that when  I walked away that day, I would never ever see or hear from him again. How do you honestly deal with that??

Yes, I miss my Nana more than words could EVER describe but I know I have somewhere I can go to feel close to her. I can talk to her when I need to (although I haven’t for a long time and I don’t know why 😦 ) and at times I can hear her voice, see her face as clear as the last time I saw her and feel her. With my Dad, I cant. As every day goes by, I lose a little bit more of him. It’s like my memories are starting to fade out, like that scene at the end of a film. I suppose that is why Elvis is so important to me and always will be. It is the only thing I have left of him.

Don’t get me wrong, it does help that Elvis was the most gorgeous man to ever walk this planet, with a voice like Galaxy chocolate! It’s certainly not like its a hardship loving him so much!

Ah there it is, my fail safe humour mechanism kicking in. The one I use every time I feel like I am getting too emotional. The thing is, it is one of my mind protecting qualities. I am not quite strong enough, even to this day. I think there are some things, some emotions I am just not ready to fully tackle. Just yet.

Maybe I just needed a bloody good cry. As much as you all know I hate it, sometimes it is like a cleansing thing. There is a lot in my life I cant change, many questions I have to accept I will never get answered. But I have to accept that I am allowed to feel this way. I am allowed to miss him, I am allowed to wonder what would have happened if things were different, I am allowed to feel that twinge of jealousy when I see ‘happy’ families. I am allowed to feel anger, hurt, disgust even.

I need to remember that I don’t have to pretend to always be the strong, independent one. It is ok to want my Dad, to want my Nana, to want a hug, to break down and cry and, yeah, as much as it sticks in my throat, to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want pity, I don’t deserve it. But I can have oh woah is me moments. It does not make me any less of a person, it doesn’t make me selfish or self indulgent. It makes me human. And I am, as much as I hate to admit it, I am human. I have feelings and emotions and I am fragile at times.

So, how am I? Well, I still don’t know to be fair. Crying, yes. Wanting a hug that will glue all my broken bits back together, oh yes please!

But yeah, I’m not bad.

Love

CC xx

Right now…

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This blog is inspired by the lovely FearneCotton. I am just on reading her book, Happy (having only had it nearly a year I am sure) and the part on being in the now really spoke to me. I am an absolute buggar for thinking of EVERYTHING, apart from the here and now. I can tell you how I used to think and what happened and I can tell you what I want to happen and how I feel about things that haven’t and might not even happen yet. But I am a nightmare at being able to vocalise how I am, right now, in a moment.

So, lets give it a go! As an added bonus, today has been a canny day so hopefully you wont get the spiel of whinge that you normally get when reading one of my blogs 😉 (and yes I am aware that was a derogative comment against myself, I need to give my wrist a slap!)

So, right now. Oooo this is already quite daunting! Lets start with the physical, the fact! I am sat in my little office space, in the what was once Noah’s bedroom before he became a man child and accrued more toys than the shelves of Toys r Us. We had to have a house swap around as a single bed wont fit for love nor money in this room, so I decided to nab it and make it my own little “safe space”. I have it all set up just how I like it, quirky but organised. Photos on the wall, evidence of stuff I am proud of scattered around, and let us not forget the rather large ‘To Do’ pile of work. This room wont be mine for long, we have a cunning plan in order to switch it back into a bedroom for my teenage daughter, so I have kind of neglected the room, along with really, the rest of the house and my sanity. Today I got a random spout of awesome motivation and decided to take back control of my house. I decided it was time I got a grip and made my house a home again. I needed to stop hiding the mess behind closed doors, kind of like the way I tend to hide myself. It was a massive chore, about 4 hours in all, and I think at one point I nearly drowned in paperwork, BUT the sense of satisfaction walking round the house when I was done was AMAZING!

To see the floor in Noah’ room, to see a space where I could be productive and call my own for a small while and be able to lock out the world, to have a bath in peace and not worry about a monstrous lego tower falling on my head or a toy car popping up out the bubbles, from where, who knows! To not have piles of clothes on every surface going, to be able to see my kitchen work tops and to notice the colour of my stair carpets now they have been hovered in the first time in more than I care to admit! Although I meant to be focusing on today, and I am, it took me back to when I was house proud and I was constantly on a mission, cleaning and sorting. Everything had its place and god forbid you didn’t put something back EXACTLY where it came from if you used it. I know now, I did this because I was floundering. I felt I had no control over anything in my life, apart from cleaning and binging and purging. I had no idea what I was here for, what purpose my life held. I was grasping at whatever I could as life passed me by.

Now, things are very different. Yes, my Depression is still an absolute ball ache and I still don’t know how I am going to be one day to the next BUT I have a reason. I have a purpose, a vision, a dream! Yet, because of this, the first thing that disappears when I hit a bad spell and the last thing to make an appearance when I am feeling well again, is my housewifely duties. I have NO excuse to have a messy house. I am on full time sick, my children are at school (when they are not on one of the MANY school holidays anyway), although I still have coursework for my PT course and Nutrition course and I still do as much as I can volunteering for MIND, basically, there is no reason why my house should EVER be messy. Yet I let it, because I get to the point where I just don’t care. I go through the bare minimum motions to not be a scruff, I do what needs to be done for my kids. I just get so exhausted with the whole adult thing as I feel like a complete fraud. Sometimes I think I do it to see if anyone notices.

So now, right in this very minute, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel content. My house is a home again, I can hear Noah laughing and singing along to the cartoons downstairs, the birds are singing outside even though it is raining. I can here and feel my fingers on the keys of the lap top, the carpet under my feet and the cold wood on the left side of thigh. I feel lighter than I have in months, I feel ready, although honestly, I am not entirely sure what I am ready for. I made more baby steps forward in other parts of my future today but by focusing on what I need to do NOW! There are still a lot of things swirling round my head, I keep flitting to one thing or another but that is me. That is what happens. What I am learning to do is decide which bit is worth my attention. I am studying on Silver Cloud, an online CBT tool and it is really good! I am learning more about myself and how my brain works. How I can spot a bad thought or feeling and how to address it proactively and positively.

I am very aware that tomorrow is a new day, that it could be a bad day but just as equally it could be a good day. Ultimately though, it is a day. Approximately 16 hours of awake time to do with what I want. Time I will never get back. Now, I realise how much time I have spent thinking I should have done things differently, thinking about time past. Depression has taken ALOT of my time as his own. It is now where I take it from here and have it to myself as much as possible. He will have his stronger days, but every day that I take even 5 minutes more for myself, it means I am getting that little bit stronger, that little bit better at coping.

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You cant change the past but you can learn from it. You CAN change the future but only if you embrace the now.

Love

CC xx

Loneliness is worse than the darkness!

Claire_Daff843 Comments

It’s always harder to write a blog when I know I have put it off on purpose for a few days as I was scared of the emotions it would bring out. Since Friday I have been all over the place and seemingly on a downward spiral. It took me until Monday to work out exactly what was wrong with me.

I am lonely.

Now, I know I have friends, and I know to be fair they are the best friends I could actually ask for. I also have an amazing online support network. I am daily extremely grateful for all of people in my life. But certain events in my life recently have highlighted a few things that I suppose I was either trying to avoid or that have been brought to my attention and have got me thinking about other things. Confused? Yeah I suppose I am too.

Growing up, my family was very close but incredibly small. Two sisters had married two brothers so there were 2 grandparents and 5 kids, me and my brother and my 3 cousins. I say close, my Mam wont mind me saying that we had a very difficult relationship, as did me and my brother. My Dad was sporadic at best then nicked off and to be honest I spent most of my time either with my Nana or at my aunty and uncles house. My cousins were not my cousins, they were more like my siblings, we were, and despite the distance between us now, still are extremely close.

I know now that I don’t think I ever actually appreciated what I had in my family unit. We had our fair share of difficulties and dramas over the years and for most of my life I had craved a “normal” family. Now I laugh at myself. Firstly, what even is normal? And secondly, the more people I meet, the more stories I hear, the more situations I am aware of, the more I realise just how lucky I actually was! Don’t get me wrong, there was a hell of a lot of seriously bad times, for all of us. But I tell you one thing, one thing that was never ever missing was love.

It has been the first time in 13 year that I really miss not living near them. I took my family for granted. Plain and simple. I know I wasn’t escaping my Mam or my brother now, I was escaping my own personal demons. Things have happened recently that have really hurt me and it has made me realise that those who love me, who truly love me, would never ever do that to me. They love me through my mistakes and my moods and my general annoyingness. That is what a family is. They don’t push you out, they don’t ignore you, they don’t make you feel bad. They may  not always agree with you, how boring would that be for a start?! But they are there through thick and thin.

I play a very good cold hearted bitch. I think I have actually played that part too well for too long as people don’t realise just how much I actually do feel and how sensitive I am. To a degree I don’t give a crap what people think about me, but then there is always going to be an element of that craving of acceptance. In an ideal world, who would want everyone to love them? And don’t lie! Of course you would. I want to be the one that makes people smile, who people can come to talk to, who people want in their life and to be around. I want to be a positive in someone’s day. I understand that I cant please everyone, I understand all to well my faults, but when I lose people that I love, that have been in my life for what feels like forever, it hurts. Like hell. It brings back so much past pain and rejection. Things that I have to start getting over but I don’t even know where to begin with it sometimes.

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This weekend gone, I felt so incredibly lonely and isolated. I felt like life was passing me by, everyone had someone and was doing their own thing and I was just kind of stuck. I suppose this is where all this has came from. Too much time being lost in my own thoughts is no good, especially to an over thinking, catastrophizing head blag like me. I realised I didn’t have anywhere I could just “pop by”. I didn’t have any family I could go and annoy for a little while. The lack of car and money meant I felt absolutely stuck. If it wasn’t for Noah I actually do wonder what I would have been like and how worse things could have been. I realised I don’t really have a support network, in the sense that I cant just go for a run or pop to the shops or have a drink with a friend. I was Noah’s whole world. Now don’t get me wrong, what Mam doesn’t love being the centre of their kids universe. But sometimes I crave a bit of flexibility. Something I don’t feel I have. I feel like I have to plan anything ages in advance, I cant be spontaneous. Yet when I do plan, I struggle to get excited as 9 times out of 10 something comes up and plans fall through.

I don’t want to spend this whole blog whinging. It doesn’t get me anywhere but I do feel a bit better getting it off my chest. It might sound pathetic and non important to people but to me, these are my thoughts and feelings. I don’t like them either but I have to deal with them and ultimately face them. It’s a pain and I still try and run away from things but when I do that I just eventually end up taking out my emotions on someone or something else and making things times worse normally!

Look at me learning!

Loss doesn’t have to just be people who have died. You can “lose” people who live round the corner. Is the pain comparable? Suppose it depends on who you talk to and the situation. I don’t think anything is ever really comparable as everyone is different. One thing that all this is teaching me, is to REALLY appreciate the people in your life. I love my family very much, even if we are all completely bat shit crazy. It makes us the awesome people we are and I wouldn’t change any of them now for anything! We may not live as close anymore but I want this year to be the year where we connect again properly. We don’t have to see each other all the time like we did but I don’t want to miss out on my great cousins growing up and I want my kids to be part of the family and know who these amazing people are and how important they are, especially to making me the woman I am today.

My friends will always be my family, but I need to start remembering blood too.

Thanks for never giving up on me

Love you all the world

CC xx

(For my Mam, Aunty Lesley, Uncle Vaughan, Mickie, Steven, David)  Nana and Grandad *RIP*

Depression & Anxiety for Me.

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Unless you have been living under a rock, you will probably know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month and this week in particular is Mental Health Awareness Week. Personally, although I know everything has it’s own week, month, day etc, I really do believe these events are fantastic. And not just because I can be even more annoying and a social media nuisance more than normal. It really does make people sit back and think, It helps give those a tiny push to share their stories and get involved but most importantly, it sign posts people to where they can get help and support and ultimately, this can, and does, save a life!

Now, I cant talk for everyone, mental health affects everyone in its own unique way so these thoughts and feelings, as usual, are purely my own. What Depression and Anxiety are to me. You yourself may have different ways of perceiving them, or they may make you feel different but as with anything, we are unique to ourselves. It doesn’t mean we are suffering any more or less, it just means we are suffering in our own way. To add a positive spin to it too, we all cope and manage in our own way as well. As I have said before and I will always say, we are in this together. We are each others mutual support, we understand, we empathise and sympathise and ultimately, we are stronger together.

OK, so Depression. Firstly you may notice I spell them with capital letters, like names. This to me was my way of compartmentalising them. If I made them into “beings” it was easier for me to understand the effect they had over me, the control. It was easier to get my head round what was going on and easier to get things out of my head as I could, demonise them, I suppose is the best way to say it.

Depression hangs around me like a dark cloak that at times I find impossible to shake off. He (no offence to the male sex here, not saying you have any links, I just feel they are he’s) really likes to take full control. Of my mind, body and soul. If he manages to successfully infiltrate one of those three, it is VERY hard for me to stop him getting his dirty claws into the other two. He makes me feel worthless, he makes me feel ugly, he makes me feel stupid. He makes me think I am a burden to those around me, that I am just making peoples lives a misery and hanging onto them when I should be letting them drop me and go and make themselves happy. He makes me paranoid, like everyone is talking about me and judging me, that no one loves me and that they are all laughing at me behind my back. It is a horrible place to be. Everything loses it shine, goes dark and dull and even my favourite music can lose that spark it has to me when things are really bad. I listen to the words and hear an alternative, darker story than what I actually know it is saying.

Everything seems so difficult, from opening my eyes on a morning, to walking, to talking. I lose interest in pretty much everything. I get to the end of the day and I feel exhausted. Exhausted that I have had to survive another day. Not live, not when I feel at my lowest, but survive. I also feel anger and frustration. The anger scares me the most as when I lose it, I struggle to control it. In those moments, as brief as luckily they mainly are, I don’t care who I hurt. If I hurt this much, so should they. Horrible isn’t it? (disclaimer – I shouldn’t have to put this here but I think it is sensible that I do, I would NEVER physically harm my children, nor would I emotionally or mentally abuse them. They may see me mad or upset, that is a reality of suffering from a mental health issue. It is never directed at them. Fortunately I have that self control and maternal protection ingrained in me. Just saying. For the record!)

The thing is, Depression is a manipulator. He can get you truly believing these horrible things. He can give you the clarity to plan your own end of life with such terrifying detail and can have you act on it! He does not care, he plays to win. To him, with me, ultimately winning is death. My death. BUT, I have beat him back enough now that although I don’t and probably never will have ultimate control over him, I am using him against himself. All these feelings, all these actions I have done to myself are now my lived experience. My key to my future, to helping others understand, to helping others help themselves. I do very occasionally have fleeting thoughts now, but more about running away than dying. That is a massive relief to me!

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Now, Anxiety, Depressions annoying but equally as aggressive brother! He likes to play with your head in the other way, where Depression makes you not care, He makes you care too much. He makes you fear yourself, he makes you fear everything, he makes your head so busy that although Depression is exhausting you and all you want to do is sleep, you cant! He makes my heart beat faster, my palms itch and gives me the worst headaches where even my eye ball hurts. He makes it so I can enjoy the things I enjoy, if that makes sense? I cant relax. I can cant concentrate on reading, I cant sit still, my mind is whirring at the speed of a walzer and one fleeting worry escalates into one massive snowball of an issue! Yet at the same time, he also makes you feel stupid, but in the way that you believe no one would understand. Sleep becomes nigh on impossible for more than a few hours at a time as it is like a blind getting pulled open. A barrage of thoughts tumble into your dreams and before you know it you are watching the minutes pass by and the sun rise, wondering how the hell you are going to cope with what you have on that day. How will you face people? How will you get things done?

I have days where I am great, days where I am good, sometimes I am lucky where I have weeks, though months at a time seems a long way off at the moment. As an old manager used to say to me, I need to learn to walk before I can run. When you fall so far down the rabbit hole, you cant expect to be skipping in the meadow again within a certain time scale. Who knows how long it will take, but one thing is for sure, I will get there! That meadow has my name on it! There will be other rabbit holes scattered all over that meadow, I am intelligent and realistic enough to know I will probably never be able to not fall in one, life experiences and the way my brain functions put paid to that. You know what though, I think I am as OK with that as I can be.

For now, and hopefully for as long as I am trotting around on this earth, I will just continue to do what I can to spread the word and help whoever I can. I can certainly think of worse ways to live my life.

Love

CC xx

 

Just some things I felt like saying

Claire_Daff847 Comments

It’s one of those days where I have the strong urge to blog and to get things out but at the same time I am not even sure what I actually have to say. Bit of a strange feeling to be honest, but as usual I am going to let my fingers do the talking. They do a much better job than my mouth anyway!

Maybe it is the fact that college is coming to an end that has got me pondering on things. I still remember the day vividly that I decided to take the leap and go back into education, after my volunteering and my story about exercise and running helping my mental health started the ball rolling into what is now a solid plan for my future. It has been a tough 9 months in a lot of ways. Our class got off to a bad start but we have made it to the end. We unfortunately lost a few people along the way but I am sure they will agree, we have made friendships that will last a long time. Even if I am the only one not studying social work haha.

What I rediscovered is, despite having to fight for motivation to get things completed sometimes, the downfall of doing these kind of things while fighting a tough mental health battle, is just how much I do really love to learn. I feel like a sponge. Of course there are parts that have little or no interest to me, but I take the rough with the smooth. At the end of the day, this was just a tiny stepping stone to where I need to end up. Am I nervous about starting university? Freaking terrified if I am completely honest. It’s not like I am a fresh faced 18/19 year old. I am a 33 year old, mother of 2 who is still fighting some pretty massive personal mental demons. But hey, one thing you should all know about CC by now, she is no quitter, she thrives on the pressure, even if it because it distracts her from the parts of her life that ultimately feel like a huge crash!

I know I need to give myself a break. I know I will do everything I can to succeed as becoming an Exercise Psychologist and working with those with mental health issues is quite honestly too important to me now. It has went from a tiny flicker of an idea to an “I want that and I will stop at NOTHING to get it!”. But the other parts of my brain, you know, my mates Depression and Anxiety, they need gagging! I am so sick of hearing “why are you bothering?” “no one is interested” “people are just sick of you now” “go back to the shadow of your former self” “you’ve never been worth anything to anyone before, what makes now so different?”

Vicious aren’t they? Who needs enemies?!

The thing is, the more I share my story, the more I put myself out there, the more I worry that people are just getting fed up with me. I am literally getting everywhere at the moment. I do share a lot, I post constantly, I put myself forward for pretty much everything. Why? Because it is important! I have been judged and talked about and the rest pretty much all my life for various reasons, sometimes even by the people who are meant to care about me. I am so sick of trying to be what everyone thinks I should be. So I am being me. In all glorious, technicolour annoyingness! And if you don’t like it, tough! Unfollow me, unfriend me, ignore me (oh wait, some of you already do that!) I don’t care anymore. If you cant support me at my worst, if you cant understand why I am doing this, if my fight to end stigma and shout about mental health illness at the top of my voice irritates you, you don’t deserve my time to be honest. Those that TRULY love me, are proud of me, support me and all the rest have now made themselves clear to me. So those are the people that deserve me and my time.

I realise now I have put a lot of time and energy into people who just quite simply didn’t deserve it. I watched a little video on Facebook today and it got me thinking. Time is free but it is also priceless. I have been giving it to people who used it, and me, to be honest. They knew I would be there for them and would always listen, yet when the tables turned, they were nowhere to be seen. I try not to swear so much in my blogs these days but this needs to be said:

FUCK YOU!

Wow, that felt good!!

If you think this might be about you, think about why you think it is. Are you the person I am talking about? The people actually be to be fair. If so, are you happy with how you have made me feel? That you have helped heighten those feelings of worthlessness, that you have made me shed tears, that you have actually hurt me? Do you actually even care?? Probably not. And now I can say, it says a hell of a lot about you as a person than me.

Hands up, I am not perfect. God, far far from it. When I am struggling I retreat, but then at the same time I use distraction and avoidance as methods of coping (using CBT to help try and combat this) so I am always busy. But if you need me, I will be there in a second. I wont always reach out first as I worry that you don’t need my crap and that all I will end up doing is whinge. I wont always tell you what is wrong, I will still pretend that I am good, because I can use this blog now to get my worries, thoughts and fears out. This to me means I can be a much better friend to you. I hope.

So, I am now making my first step into the next chapter of the crazy life of CC. I am reaching out through various avenues. I am studying for things that will ultimately help me support others. I am loving that I can redo my PT course and the nutrition one is very interesting! I will be a bona fide full time student as of September. But I am going to be personally stronger, emotionally stronger. I have got this far being honest, sharing my story to help others and I will continue to do so, because to me, that is the right thing to do.

Recently, a few doors have definitely closed. I know now though that they were meant to and for good reason. I cant keep focusing on what is behind me, not when I, and only me, have the power to make my future and my life mean so much more.

Until my next rant……….

Love CC xx

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#MaternalMentalHealthAwareness

Claire_Daff844 Comments

It is always harder to write a blog when it comes to things that concern my children. They are my life, my reason for breathing, my reason for wanting to help change the world so that they can grow up in a safer, more understanding society. A society where you can talk about anything, especially how you are feeling, whether you are old or young, boy or girl.

Thing is, how do you get rid of the gut wrenching guilt that has clouded you since the very first day you found out you were pregnant? The first thing you thought was not how happy you were but how scared you were. How you knew you couldn’t do this. How you were barely capable of looking after yourself, never mind a baby!
That is how my story starts and is something I have struggled to deal with ever since.
Let’s go back, I was 19 years old. I had moved over 70 miles away from my hometown in Chester-Le-Street to Harrogate. I upped and left everything and everyone for a lad I hadn’t really been seeing for very long. The fear of the unknown though was more appealing than the life I was living at the time. I needed to escape. So, I did. It was very much a whirlwind, I was away from home for less than a year when I found out I was pregnant. I panicked. Selfishly, I had only just tasted freedom. I was only just living for myself for the first time in my life and just like that, I was going to be back to having to put someone else first.
They talk about post-natal depression, and I will talk in a moment about that as I can be honest now and say a lot of my problems stemmed from me suffering once my daughter was born. But what people fail to mention and help you with is when you are clearly struggling when you are pregnant. Looking back, it was completely obvious I was struggling, badly. I treated myself and my unborn baby appallingly. I was in a hellish place, yet I felt so stuck and so alone. I had no voice at all. I had to do what I do best, what I had done all my life up to that point and stick a massive fake smile on my face and pretend everything was A OK. It was very far from OK. I felt like all my decisions were being made for me and I had no say in my own life. I just got dragged along this terrifying pathway into motherhood. One I had never expected to be on. Family, marriage and children had never been on my radar. I wanted a career. I wanted to travel. Now, I felt like I was constantly tied in a straight jacket. Just nodding and shaking my head at the allocated points needed to show I was still a semi functioning human.
9 month later, my beautiful daughter was born, 4 days early weighing a tiny 6lb 6oz. 2 days before my 20th birthday.
You read about these overwhelming emotions of love and adoration and all the rest. I waited. I expected to feel it straight away. It didn’t happen. Ok, maybe I am just tired. It will come once I have had some sleep, I had been in labour for 72 hours after all. No. It never came. I waited days, weeks, months. That “new mam” feeling just didn’t surface. I did love her, she was part of me. I was incredibly protective, I didn’t want anyone else to go near her. The feelings of jealousy when anyone was holding her were insane. Yet, at the same time I didn’t want to be with her either. It was an internal struggle and the noise in my head was insane.

I went back to working 48 hour weeks when she was only 5 month old, I started drinking a lot. Far too much. I started to rebel. I wanted a life. I couldn’t handle a baby. I was a terrible mother. What kind of mother didn’t want to be near such a gorgeous baby who was no bother at all? This cycle went on for years. She was a good sleeper, she was happy and content. Yet I couldn’t take any credit for this as I just had no interest. I went through the motions as I was scared someone would take her off me. Which considering how I actually felt was quite ironic.
I lied to everyone. I lied on the health visitor’s questionnaire. I lied to all the health care professionals. I was telling them exactly what they wanted to hear. Yet inside I was screaming. I just wanted someone to call me out and tell me they knew I was lying. But no one ever did.

It got so bad, I felt so out of control, so lost, so worthless and such a disgusting human being for the way I felt, it was at this time that I decided my daughter would be better off without me. I needed to leave her with people who could give her all the love and the support and happy life that she deserved. I had a very difficult childhood myself for many reasons, her Dad had had a very different experience. It made sense to take me out of her equation and leave her to grow up like her Dad had. So, I got very drunk, argued with my daughter’s dad, locked myself in the bathroom and the next thing I remember is a lot of blood and being rushed to the hospital in a police car.
Was it a wake-up call? Eventually yes, after the soul-destroying feelings of disappointment at still being alive waned. Did I suddenly have an epiphany and dote on my daughter? Sadly, no. Although love slowly and steadily grew over time, it took many years to have what I would class as a mother-daughter relationship. The thing I must deal with now, which became very apparent after the birth of my son, is just how different our relationship is. She is very much a daddy’s girl. He is her universe. And for many reasons he deserves to be. He has adored her from the minute I confirmed I was pregnant. I just hope it is not too late to salvage some sort of true bond before she flies the nest and becomes anything she wants to be.
They may not have been in my “plan” but I am very lucky to have my children, who I do truly love with all my heart. I would die for them. I want to be a better person because of them. I want them to see there is good in this world. That they can be anything they want to be. I will always be their number one supporter.
My daughter is so beautiful, so kind, so very clever. Despite everything she has had to deal with in her 13 years of life, she is so resilient and balanced. I worry as she has my way of bottling things up and just trying to deal with everything herself, but I am so proud and so in awe of her bravery, of not letting anyone dictate to her how she should think. She sticks by what she believes in.
Post-natal depression is no joke. I applaud everyone who is speaking out about this and putting themselves out there to raise awareness. To highlight the flaws in the system and what needs to be done. Thank you to those who are supporting the people who suffer and helping them realise, it is like any other illness. It is not your fault. You are a good person and a good mother/father. It is your illness telling you otherwise. You can beat this, I promise.
I ask you, please, reach out. Tell someone that you are struggling. You are not alone, you don’t have to struggle alone. Be honest. Take that soul crushing weight off your shoulders.
CC xx

 

 

#getinspired

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It has been ages since I have blogged two days in a row! And two pretty positive posts at that! Get me! But after watching the London Marathon again, I was just overwhelmed with so much emotion, inspiration and motivation. I am seriously in awe of those people, who completed those 26.2 miles in the hottest recorded weather. Who all have their individual stories. Some of pain, of hurt but of determination and the passion to succeed and raise money as well as awareness of causes close to their heart.

Hearing their stories is so inspiring. You really cant ever know what is going on in someone’s life until they open up. People who have lost loved one’s, people who have nearly lost their own life, people with loved one’s in hospital or treatment. Yes, running something like the London Marathon is a big personal achievement and recognition of Snapchat-35456296.jpgsuch a feat is deserved, What I also think, especially for those running for others, it is such a selfless act. For those who are not trained athlete’s, it is putting their bodies through some serious work, even pain! Wow!

I watched with so much pride for my country. Proud to be part of the London spirit, even from my sofa in Teesside, I could feel it. The hashtag was #getinspired and I so have! I was gutted I never got a place in 2018 but looking back now, I know I hadn’t been in the right head space at all to train, so it would have either ended up with me deferring or (more accurately due to my stubborn streak) being dangerous for me. Mentally and physically.

I am so determined to run it though. I have one of my bucket list run’s in September – the Great North Run. Training has started already. To get a place in 2019’s London Marathon would be the icing on the cake for this year. To be able to run the most famous marathon in the UK and raising money for Mind would be utterly amazing. Certainly one of my greatest physical achievements. Especially as I wouldn’t call myself a runner so to speak. I just do ok.

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The thing is, I want to push past my own limits. It is easy to fall into a comfort zone and just do what you know you can, what you know you are good at. I know I can bosch off 5km regularly in under 30 minutes. I know I can squat with the best of them and can sweat my tiny baps off on a circuit I create myself. What I want is to push past what I believe to be my limits. At the moment even the idea of 13.1 mile is daunting! But I know I can do that, because I already have. In a decent time too!

I want to beat my demons and I want to inspire others. I would LOVE to be the reason that made someone take up running or taking up a sport or fitness routine that they have always wanted to. I would love people to think, well if she can do it, I can do it too! Of course you can! You can do anything you want to. You can’t let you tell you otherwise. It wont be easy but then I believe that anything worth having never comes easy. There will be days, even weeks where you simply cant be arsed but you know what a success is? Doing it anyway! In fact, most of the time, those runs/games/workouts are the ones that end up feeling the best! Even if you are cursing yourself in the middle and wanting to quit.

There is so much help and support out there, if you want it. Maybe you are like me and apart from helping others, you prefer to work solitary. That’s fine. It’s about you. What works for you. What you want to gain from your experience. Whether it be finishing a particular race, raising money, setting an example for your kids, trying to lose/gain weight or just simply to get fitter. Maybe you want to be inspired to do something that doesn’t have anything to do with sport, exercise or fitness. Maybe you want to start volunteering? Or how about a career change? What about going back into education? Or simply learning a hobby that has always interested you. Inspiration comes in so many forms and means something different to everyone.

To me anyone who does something to help someone else is a MASSIVE inspiration. Yes, being selfish is necessary for your own mental health. I 100% agree with that. You cant help anyone at all if you cant help yourself. But those that dedicate their lives to others are just hero’s in my eyes. The emergency services, the army, those that volunteer, those that fundraise for good causes and those that are just there for those that need them, whether it be a simple message, a cuppa and a friendly ear or taking someone away from reality for even just a small while. These people don’t do these things for recognition but they sure as hell deserve it and they deserve a massive well done and a hug!

Today, I challenge you to think of one thing that you would love to do. Anything at all. And I want you to believe that at some point, whether you start now or in the future, that you will do it! Start a little action plan. Do a mind map. Do some research but ultimately, take that first step into the unknown and you never know how your life might change. This time last year I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in the situation I am now, with so many new opportunities on the horizon. Some potentially very exciting ones! Each step forward is a step to my future, even if that step is a stumble or a fall. It’s still forward.

I cant change the past but I sure as hell can change the future and I will. I was put on this Earth for a reason. Plain and simple. And it wasn’t just to annoy the hell out of people! 😉

Thank you to all you AMAZING runners today. Enjoy this moment. You deserve it. Be proud!!

Love

CC xx

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Sunshine on a rainy day

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This song has been on loop in my head all morning and to be honest I have no idea as I haven’t heard it for years, but it did get me thinking. It is actually quite appropriate. Not because of the good old English weather being as random as it is, but because it is actually a good metaphor for how I am feeling at the moment.

I know it’s been a while since my last blog post, I tend to neglect my blog a bit when I get busy, but it’s also because when I am in a better place, I tend to think that people don’t want to hear the random ramblings of what goes on in my head. I get concerned that although I am in a good place, others might not be and I don’t want to rub my ok’ness in their faces. Does that make sense? Probably not. It’s me. I think I know what I mean.

If I am honest it has been a bit of a crazy week or so. Pretty much all being good! Things seem to be falling slowly into place. Which if I am honest makes me a bit nervous. Like if I do something to upset the balance it will all come tumbling down around me. I hate the way that my brain works! I am trying so hard to appreciate the good days and it feels so good to really feel the smile on my face but why cant that be the end of it? Why do I have to think 5 steps ahead? It is so frustrating. I want to live in the moment but it really seems to piss off Depression and his new addition to the CC family, Anxiety.

Depression alone was a horrible place to be in. The feelings if worthlessness, misery, despair and hate BUT I knew where I was with it. Things made sense. I felt like I deserved to be there. Anxiety? That is a whole new experience, and if I am honest, what a shitter of one! I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I hate not understanding. Although I am notably very self aware with my issues, this is completely new water, and treacherous at that! It’s like Depression knew he was losing a grip on me so he called in for some back up. Sneaky bastard.

Now, like I say, I am actually in a good place. Sat in the garden, sun on my skin, birds singing, 90’s dance music on in the background and lot’s to look forward to. The familiar click click of the keys on my laptop are as soothing as ever. Something seems to be in the background though and I cant for the life of me put my finger on what it is. I know it isn’t good though. It seems dark, like a smudge on your sunglasses. Cold, like the random breeze that catches you and reminds you it is still actually only April. Like a warning that things can change in an instant. The thing that messes with my head is the not knowing. I can deal with stuff when I am in control, when I know the facts and I can plan. I am definitely a planner, even if I do catastrophize and plan for the worst, it’s still a plan. When I cant plan, I start to lose control a bit and then that is when Depression and Anxiety see a nick in my armour and start to pick.

Thing is, they don’t realise that I am on to them and like fuck am I going to let them drag me back to where they have had me most of this year. It has taken me a lot of blood, sweat, tears and broken nails to get myself out of my hole again. I’m currently in the process of cementing the buggar up! It used to be my safe place. Cool, dark, quiet and safe. I felt like no one could get me in there. The thing I have realised is, I was actually in the hole with the thing that could hurt me more than anyone or anything ever has. ME! Until I learn to love myself, truly and completely, I am not always going to be safe for myself.

So, along with all the other, more material things, like uni and my nutrition course and training for the Great North Run, I am now more determined than ever to sort out my head, once and for all. The distraction and avoidance techniques are fail safes and have helped me this far, but I cant keep relying on them long term. Not on their own. As the fear of failure is too strong. I am depending on my success too much and if something was to go wrong, something out of my control, it could potentially destroy me. I am more a straw house at the moment. I want to be made of bricks!

So, the antidepressants will be a main factor in my daily routine now, and I am OK with that. They work. I am also making the first tentative steps into the world of CBT. Counselling was very beneficial but I do believe I got what I needed out of that. I know now that bad things happened and they weren’t my fault. What I need to do now is retrain my brain. Although I do try to find positives, I want to change my negative thought processes. My overthinking needs to be addressed but most of all I want to understand me, as much as I possibly can. When I can understand myself, hopefully that will take me onto the next step of self appreciation and even self love.

Ultimately, if I cant love me, how can I expect anyone else too. And lets face it, as bat shit crazy as I actually am, I do tend to have some pretty awesome qualities…….. so I am told 😉

Ok lovely people, that is enough random crap from me. Off to enjoy the sun! While we still have it. Have a lush day wherever you are. If you are having a bad day, just have a day. Those dark clouds will move eventually

Love

CC xx

(Prescription) Drugs DO work!

Claire_Daff848 Comments

Since the beginning of being open and honest about my fight with Depression and more recently, anxiety, I was always determined to stay away from antidepressants or tried to believe that I didn’t need them and I could manage in other ways. I suppose partly I was hoping that I could believe I wasn’t as bad as I am but mostly it was actually just a genuine  fear of them. When I was younger they didn’t get a good hype and you were thought of as crazy if you took them, although I campaign constantly to try and erase stigma, it can still have an effect even 20 or so years later.

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t try some. It was one of the reasons my fear grew and my stubbornness kicked back in. Citalopram sent me, well manic is the only way I can describe it. I couldn’t sleep at all, even less than I do now, I felt constantly buzzed and could sit still even less than usual. Sertraline gave me the worst kidney pain imaginable and ruined my family holiday last year. I was in so much pain I was debating going to the hospital in Turkey! So although there are loads of SSRI’s, I believed that they  just weren’t for me. Until last month.

This year has been hard so far, to the point I was starting to worry about my state of mind again. I have cried so many tears, screamed, shouted, pushed people away and just generally been a mardy arse! Nothing was working, my motivation was drying up, my exercise has taken a step back as I just haven’t had the energy. The days have been dark most of the time where if I am honest, a lot of time I just wanted to give up. To just exist quietly. I have been “faking it” an awful lot but never seeming to quite “make it”. I had to admit defeat. I needed help. My coping techniques were just not working properly any more. So another trip back to the doctor, signed off sick long term as work was unfortunately a large stressor, I doubt I will ever be back in that office if I am to be completely honest. It’s just too dangerous for me. Another conversation with the doctor about antidepressants and this time, I gave in and accepted another chance at a different drug.

Hand on heart, the first 3 weeks were brutal. I didn’t get happier, in fact I think I actually dipped even lower. Dark thoughts and motives returned but thankfully more ideations than actual concrete plans this time. I was so prepared to just sack the drugs off. They clearly don’t work. I’m broken. Nothing will “fix me”.

But then, I woke up one day last week and I didn’t feel so down. I felt a flicker of hope. I smiled before 9am and even more sensational, before coffee!! I didn’t feel the tug of despair deep in my gut anymore, it was more just a gentle ache. The thing is, it literally changed that quick. Over night. My friend said it would and to be honest I thought she was mad to begin with, but it did! Like a finger snap. I’m not fixed, not by a long shot, but I feel a little less broken than I did. So, as painful as it is to admit, I was wrong. Drugs DO work!

A conversation I had on Friday has had me thinking about this more over the weekend. My friend had admitted they were trying to wean themselves off their tablets. I asked why. (By the way, before I go any further DO NOT TRY TO COME OFF ANTIDEPRESSANTS WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR! It is incredibly dangerous, even missing doses can have a huge impact!) If we were on medication for say, diabetes, we wouldn’t think about trying to skip doses and come off something that was helping us. Why do we feel like we can do that with antidepressants? Because we don’t feel they are “real” medication? Because we think once we feel better again we are better? Why do we struggle to admit that if they are working they must be a good thing? Stigma, judgement and opinions have a lot to answer for! I wonder how many people have put themselves back in their recovery or have suffered when they didn’t have to because of what they think others thought? Hands up please. I know both mine are in the air.

Having a look at statistics today, the amount of prescriptions for antidepressants and other mental health drugs has increased from 31 million in 2006 to over 65 million in 2016. They cost the NHS £780,000 a day in the UK. Perhaps more shockingly but interestingly, there has been a 54% increase in the number of children prescribed them. What do we think of that? Personally, although I hate to think of anyone suffering as it is truly horrible, it shows that more people are becoming aware of these issues. More people are willing to admit they are struggling and ask for help. I wouldn’t say medication is an “easy option” and it certainly isn’t for everyone. I believe other forms of help should be sourced before or alongside the medication route, like talking therapies, but they do hold their place in society and for a lot of people, they are a necessary part of day to day life. No one should feel ashamed for doing what will ultimately help them. They should be congratulated on taking themselves seriously and being a priority.

Life is stressful enough. Bad stuff happens and even the strongest of people can have days, weeks or even months where they struggle. If help is out there, whether in pill form or whatever, use it! We are lucky to have free health care, we are lucky to have so many options and having choices in our health and well being. A healthier lifestyle is ultimately a happier life and who doesn’t want to be happy?

So, my name is CC and I am on fluoxetine and for the first time in my life, I am OK with it, because it helps me be a better me!

CC xx

A letter to my past self……

Claire_Daff846 Comments

Dear little CC,

I know sometimes you think that there is no point any more. I know since you were small you have often felt like you lived in the shadows. That to be brutally honest it was the safest place to be at times, out of the way. Making no noise, crying silently into your pillow wondering why all this was happening.

I know it can be scary, hearing things you cant see. Your imagination running riot and turning up the music as loud as you can without drawing attention to yourself. I know you think you should be able to do something to help, that in some ways you even think somehow it is all your fault. It was never your fault. None of it. You were just a child.

What you will learn is that life can be really cruel. It will shot a lot of awful stuff at you. People will hurt you. Physically, emotionally and mentally. You will retreat. You will numb yourself to save yourself from the pain. Yes, the physical pain hurts but the real pain is the emotional pain. This is what will make you who you become. It will shape your future as you will be able to use your experience, your empathy and your honesty to help others. You have to learn to talk first. This will be one of the hardest lessons that you ever have to learn. How to talk and to attach emotion to things in your life, things you spent so long detaching yourself from.

There will be people that you put your trust in, who you lean on and who you love, that will leave you. Some reasons will be easy to understand, some will be heart breaking, some will be frustrating and some you just need to blow a kiss to the door closing behind them as they don’t deserve to be in your life. Trust me, I know there will be times when you feel so lonely, that you feel like you have pushed people away but you will be left with the most amazing people in your life. The one’s who love and support you in every way. Who are with you through the good, the bad and the absolutely ugly. You will drive them batty in every way as you are a hormonal nightmare! A complete mardy mare! But not once, even the newest people to enter your life, not once will they even think about ditching you or walking away. These are the people that are worth their weight in saffron!

CC, you are not broken, you are not wired wrong, you didn’t do anything to deserve the cards that were dealt, it was just how life panned out for you. What is important to remember is, it is an illness. Depression, anxiety and all the others, they are illnesses. You couldn’t have prevented them any more than you could have stopped catching a cold. The thing that you will do different is you wont succumb. You nearly will. It will very nearly destroy you. You will feel like you have lost everything. But you will fight. You will change and grow and turn all the negatives into positives.

You will live your life completely arse over tit. First baby at 19, married at 25, baby number 2 at 27. Then after a pretty much complete depressive breakdown at 32, you will realise that it is time for YOU. You will realise just how much you have to live for. You will reach people through a blog, through your volunteer work, through TV and radio and social media. You will be honest and real including sweaty, crazy selfies that show just how much exercise helps you. This will be your calling, this will be your reason for being. You will start university, yes university, at the ripe age of 33 so that you can go on and help people who have suffered like you. You will achieve things you never thought possible. You will be win awards and run half marathons and fundraise for charity.

CC, bad days will always be there. There will be days where you feel fat, ugly, worthless, lonely, unloved, hurt and all the rest. Depression is a liar! It will trick you, it will make you tired, it will make you lose motivation, it will have you thinking you should quit what you are doing because you think you will fail. DONT QUIT! Every time a voice in your head tells you “you cant” do something, you will go ahead and do it! You will get called stubborn but let me tell you, that is one hell of a quality to have. It is what will keep you alive and keeping you fighting, not just you but for everyone else who suffers.

You will make a difference CC. You will help more people than you could ever realise because you will be you. In full, raw and uncut honesty. You don’t sugar-coat anything. You are straight to the point, no bushes beaten, you say what you think, sometimes before you actually think, but you are sincere. You love with all your heart and you will give everything your all. You will put yourself out there, you will receive criticism and everyone will have an opinion on you and your life but you can handle it. The good and the bad as it is all for a higher purpose. It is all in the hope that one small raindrop can eventually cause a tidal wave and mental health stigma will be fought.

Dry your eyes CC, put that cheeky smile on your face and remember, bad things happen to good people but those good people take them and use them. You are in charge of you and who you become. You are strong and you are independent and Depression will not define you.

You will be proud to be you one day CC!

Love

Today CC xx

 

Life is like a poker game

Claire_Daff845 Comments

Do you ever feel like you have been giving a seriously crap hand? Like, you try to do your best, you haven’t committed any serious crimes, your drinking can still just about be classed as recreational and you do try and do your bit to help others, even if you do turn into some kind of crazed animal at certain times of the month (ladies, we all do it). Yet, someone, somewhere, depending on what you believe, sometimes seems to take great pleasure absolutely messing with you.

I was having a chat with a lovely man today, chatting about my story and Red Balloons and stuff and he asked me, “do you think these things in your life have been a test?” I suppose I never looked at it like that, but yes! And along the lines of a bloody hard maths test with like 75 questions to answer in 10 minutes with no calculator and a broken pen!

Do you know what, yeah, I have had a lot to deal with in my short 33 (yes, short!) years of life. I am starting to realise more and more that things like my life don’t happen much to “ordinary” people. Yet, to me, in my slightly warped little mind, these things obviously happened to everyone. I shouldn’t whinge as there are so many more people worse off than me. I don’t need to talk about things with people, they don’t need to listen to my crap. I just need to get on with things. Put that incident in a little box in my brain, not deal with it and my mind is of course so HUGE that those boxes will never effect me again. Can I say, what a load of…….. poo!

I am very aware that people have things a lot worse than me. But, those people aren’t me. Everyone copes with things in very different ways. I spent so much of my life losing myself so that things that had happened could mentally “unhappen” that I ended up losing myself and my self worth. I ended up losing the whole point. But it wasn’t a choice. This is what I want to stress to people today. I would NEVER choose to feel the way I do. I would never choose to be so exhausted. I would never choose to feel like such a burden. The very same way I would never choose to have the flu. Or a broken bone.

IT IS A ILLNESS!

Depression is a very real, and at times, very destroying illness. You basically rot away from the inside. The worst symptom, sometimes not even being aware until it is very nearly too late. Or in a shocking increase of scenario’s, until it actually is too late. It can kill you. Yet, people still struggle. People still play ignorant. People still judge. Ignorance is bliss and all that. If you don’t broach the subject, it’s not real. If I don’t ask how she is, she wont be able to tell me and I can still pretend everything is A OK.

Do you know what? I get it. I get the fear behind mental health. It’s a very scary subject for a lot of people. It is hard when you are reading stuff or listening to stuff to not start to psychoanalyse yourself to a certain degree. The way you do when you Google your symptoms as you have had a bad head for a week and it tells you, you have a brain tumour or something.

What we need in this country, somehow, is more knowledge. More information. More teaching. We need to start teaching primary school children the signs. We need to start teaching them that it is an illness. We need to stop the media sensationalising people negatively who suffer with mental health problems. Did you know, a schizophrenic is much more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else? Ask yourself, how much do you REALLY know about anxiety/depression/bipolar/PTSD etc. Did you know Alzheimer’s is classed as a mental health illness? Would you be able to spot the signs if someone around you was suffering in silence? If you thought someone was, what would you do? Honestly?

Ignorance is bliss. But ignorance also causes stigma. Ignorance can kill. There are so many stereotypes about mental illnesses, too many to list unfortunately but let’s take Depression. I don’t spend all day every day crying – although yes, when I am on a downer my chances of crying is greatly heightened. Something I hate as I hate crying. I don’t spend all day in bed with the curtains closed, although I do tend to have regular day time naps IF I can fit them in as I don’t sleep well at night. I do that as a form of helping myself NOT as a factor of my illness. I get washed and generally brush my hair. Or at least I try to make it semi presentable. I keep as clean a house as I can with a hyper 4 year old boy. I volunteer, I exercise, I go to college. Yet, I am a sufferer of severe depression. To look at me, or to read my more positives blogs, I am sure there are some cynics out there. But please, it is very real to me. It is very painful to me. It can be very destructive for me.

The difference for me, the same as for many others I know or have read about, is, we take the cards we have been dealt and we use them to our advantage. We might not win the game by obvious tactics, but we take what we have and we make it work for us. We have perfected our poker faces and it’s game on! We don’t let our circumstances make us a victim, it makes us a fighter. Although we have days where we feel very weak, what we are actually doing is becoming stronger. We want to get better. I want to get better. I will do anything I possibly can to get better or, probably more accurately as there is no standard cure, get to a place where the bad days are very few and far between. I use my bad things, my memories, my emotions and I place them in my passion to help others. I will talk honestly about my story because I don’t want anyone out there thinking they are alone.

If I can help the bloke on his way to work, if I can help the lass sitting at home with a cold cup of coffee, tears running down her face as the bairns run riot, if I can help the teenage beauty queen or the war veteran who believes in the British stiff upper lip; if I can help any of these people, nothing I have been through or felt will be in vain.

This is my path now. This is where I am meant to be, doing what I was put here to do. My age means nothing, but my experiences could do. My honesty and integrity are the cards I will use in this game. And I will never give up talking the talk. I will never give up being the voice of those who aren’t as able to be as vocal.

And I wont give up in general. No matter how impossible this “test” might seem at times.

CC xxScreenshot_20180315-164329.jpg

 

 

Barriers

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

Barriers are everywhere! They are a nuisance even if they are there for a reason. They stop you leaving a car park without faffing on having to pay, they stop you sneaking into your favourite places for free (I would assume, not that I have ever done that…… ahem), they stop you from getting close to Tom Hardy at public events! But the worse barriers are those that you put up yourself, in your mind. They stop you realising your full potential, they stop you trying new things, they delay spontaneity, they make you believe you are not worthy of what is on the other side. They are basically a pain in the backside!

Now there are loads of different barriers I could talk about, but as I am all about the healthy lifestyle and exercise I bet you know where I am going with this. Yep, the fact that so many people seem to actually FEAR physical activity. Setting up Red Balloons and it being what it is, I expected it to be a slow burner. The thing is, I believe 100% in what I am offering and I WILL make a difference. Red Balloons WILL be a success. I want to make exercise fun, easily accessible, something that people WANT to do, not just need to do. The benefits far outweigh any negatives.

So, lets look at the barriers that could be affecting people. I am one of these people, I have broke through many to get where I am, but let’s be honest, there will always be another one somewhere along the line. What changes is your ability to believe in how strong you are, the belief that you can smash through this barrier, like the others. Instead of looking and focusing on the problem, you will look for a solution. It is all a form of training your brain to access that confidence and motivation. It is not a quick journey and it sure as hell isn’t easy. I am over 2 years into mine and I still have so much else I need and want to do. They say patience is a virtue, it may well be, but it is a bloody hard skill to learn. Yes, a skill because without it life gets a lot more messy in my experience.

Barriers I have discovered/learnt:

  • Confidence
  • Motivation
  • Cost
  • Thinking your fitness levels aren’t up to scratch
  • Social anxiety
  • Physical ailments
  • Lack of access to facilities
  • Thinking that it will be like school (I HATED PE and all I would do is walk or dance like a tool)

There are many more than this, you may have your own and I know you will be aware of them. Some people may call them excuses, to a degree I would sometimes be inclined to agree in certain circumstances but they are your personal battle. No one has the right to belittle them, make you feel bad for thinking like that. No one knows what is going on in your mind or your life. I have learnt and proved that NO ONE knows what is going on behind closed doors. This is why I want to help, support and encourage. Yes these battles may seem completely impossible to win but I am here to say “Yes you can”. We can always find a way. Screenshot_20180310-091114.jpg

You don’t have to be a member of a gym or a running club, do you know what? You don’t even have to leave the house! Although I will say, I do strongly encourage even 5 minutes outside somehow for its other benefits, Vitamin D for example. The biggest part of this whole process is finding something that you enjoy. It may be yoga, it may be an aerobic video, it could be dancing round like a loony with the kids (one of my favourite things to do ever!), it could be walking the dog, going for a run or shotting weights around. In regards to gear, you don’t need fancy gym stuff in the house, you don’t need the latest Tikiboo leggings and whatever trainers are advertised as “the best”. Saying that though, I am craving the new Nike Reacts! But what I mean is, look around you and see what you could do. Try squats when waiting for the kettle to boil, lunges (are the devil) during an advert break, step ups on your stairs while the kids are brushing their teeth. All these little things add up and cost nothing, the added bonus, no one will even see you. But you will have that little feeling of, yes, I did that. Every day your confidence will grow a little bit more and something new could be added.

Another tip, what have you always wanted to do? Get back into swimming? Run 5km? Learn to lift weights? Go to a class? Learn a full dance routine to one song? Join a gym? Write it down. Somewhere you can see it pretty much every day. I am a fan of Post It notes for these kind of things as they are shiny and colourful. Having an ultimate goal, no matter how impossible it might seem at that moment in time, can be the ultimate motivation. Try and imagine how you will feel when you smash it. That sense of absolute euphoria, confidence, pride, general amazingness. On your bad days, try and focus on these feelings. The important thing is doing what you want to do, what you will enjoy. You cant do something because someone tells you it is good, or that it helped them, or that it is the newest trend. Enjoyment is key because then it isn’t scary any more, it isn’t a chore. That will be what reaps the biggest results. Trust me, I have been there.

Ok, let’s be honest. We all have bad days. Days where we barely want to open our eyes never mind do anything. What I need to say is, this is ok too. Have a bad day, embrace the bad day, do whatever it is that you need to do to self care. Rest is essential to a healthy lifestyle. I know to those that actually know me, I am being a huge hypocrite right now as I struggle massively with this part of my life, I actually need help to relax. I need people to pretty much force me to stop and even then I cant always enjoy it. My illness forces me to believe that if I stop I wont start again, so I go too far the other way and risk burning myself out. As horrible as it can be, sometimes you have to go in your head and listen to those voices that the louder voices try to continuously swamp. Those small voices are you! The loud voices are whatever issue you may be dealing with. Those loud voices WANT you to fail. They want you to believe you cant do this, that you are not worthy of trying to do something. I am telling you, you are!

The first step isn’t doing the moving or the exercise, or even believing you can. The first step is wanting to. Do you want to be fitter? Do you want to be stronger? Do you want to want to manage your weight and learn more about a healthier lifestyle? If you do, then you have started your journey. Well Done! That is the hard part over. Now, it’s time to start planning. This is where you may need help and support. This is where I, or your family and friends, or your GP or whoever is available in your area come in. I am here to help you believe in yourself, I am here to help shout the message of how exercise is essential for mental well being as much as it is for physical benefits. I am my own walking case study. I am doing this all from my own journey. I know the hard parts, the darkest days, the days where you feel a failure. But I also know the amazing days, where you beat your internal enemies, where the endorphins make you feel superhuman, when you hit a mini target you have set.

So, get that sledgehammer and SMASH that first wall. You CAN do this, you WILL do this and I cant wait to be on this journey with you. I have my cheerleader outfit and pom Screenshot_20180310-091022.jpgpoms at the ready! Woooo, go you!!

Hugs

CC xx

It’s time to talk about……… suicide.

Claire_Daff8412 Comments

**** TRIGGER WARNING****

This is going to be quite a painful blog to write I think but I feel it is time to be brutally honest with myself about certain events, well one in particular. Since my counselling I have tried to learn the tricky skill of not burying stuff so deep I can ignore it yet also not dwelling on things. Although I have touched on this several times in other blogs, I think I have avoided really examining it. Something that I know I need to do in order for it to be removed from the “crap” box in my head.

I suppose I never expected a memory to bring back such intense feelings, so when a post popped up on my Facebook memories that reminded me what today is, it has caught me off guard and I am struggling to process it. Hence the blog, getting the words and feelings out of my head, onto paper, well screen, always helps.

OK, what am I on about you must be thinking? Some of you might have guessed maybe, I suppose it depends how much you have read previously or in what way you know me. But this weekend marks 1 whole year since I decided to end my life. Obviously, I was unsuccessful, thankfully! But the whole range of emotions I was feeling at that time came flooding back this morning and if I am honest I am feeling quite overwhelmed. It terrifies me that firstly I was in that frame of mind, to the point I had it all planned out but secondly, that the emotions are still so raw.

I suppose amazes me is how very good I am at hiding how I really feel. No one, not even those closest to me had ANY idea of what was going through my head. No one knew I had pretty much every detail planned, so that it would look like an accident, so my kids wouldn’t know what their Mam had done, that the life insurance would still potentially pay out, so that my husband, kids, family and friends didn’t have to know exactly how much internal pain I was in. That way they wouldn’t dwell on how they could have helped me, they wouldn’t feel guilty that they should have seen the signs or should have known that I wasn’t right. I made sure that although it was obvious I was going through a bit of a bad time at work and I wasn’t in the greatest of moods most of the time, no one knew just how much I didn’t want to exist.

In one way it was pure fluke that what should have happened didn’t, yet in another, like I said in my blog the other day, I believe there is definitely a reason I didn’t die that day. I most most certainly have someone watching over me and to me, to help me feel better, I believe that that is my Nana. She couldn’t let me make such a massive mistake as she could see that there was light coming in my journey. That although my bad days can still be particularly bad, there is always at least some good, even if you have to look extra carefully to find it. That I am  not just a fighter, I am a survivor.

Suicide is something that people are still very careful with or even ignorant towards. You hear the usual “selfish” comments and I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I get that. I have even thought similar things myself in my life time. Before I understood. Before I had felt those controlling, mind consuming thoughts where all you can think about is how and when you can do it. If you have never felt such raw pain, if you have never had such loud white noise in your head of the crazy thoughts that just don’t make sense, if you haven’t felt so crushingly desperate to just not exist you cant possibly understand. I would not wish the feelings of loneliness, extreme sadness or even the anger on anyone, not even my worst enemy. The feelings of complete self hatred are brutal, they make you bitter, they twist your perception of reality, they make you honestly believe that the world would be a much happier place without you in it. All you want is silence, you want the pain to stop, the voices to be quiet. You crave nothingness, complete and utter emptiness. No one will help you with this, you believe no one understands you, you feel complete guilt that you are having these thoughts and that how you are as a person is messing up your kids and your family and your friends. You believe you are incapable of being loved. Why would anyone love such a broken shell of a person? How could they? All you bring is misery, bitchiness and anger. You feel like you are ruining peoples lives.

Today, those feelings feel more than just a memory. I am not in that place, I do want to live, I have big plans! But the memories of how I felt, just 365 days ago feel so very real. Like me but not me. I can still remember the determination I had, I can still remember the frustration when what I had planned didn’t happen. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t even get this right!  I can still remember going out the next day and getting so mind numbingly drunk I did not give a flying fig what could happen to me. If I numbed it all with booze I knew my mind wouldn’t be in any state to be think. Although I was with very good friends, I put myself into an incredibly dangerous position and I did not care, not one bit.

What I did do though, is be honest. I told my best friend what I had tried to do. Seeing the tears in her eyes really got me, the pleading that I get help and making me promise to NEVER do anything like that again. I pride myself on making promises I know I will keep, although in that moment I think I had kind of a fingers crossed moment going on. I didn’t mean what I said. It was so horrible to see that look in her eyes though and I am glad I told her as if I look back now, it was a turning point. As much pain as I was in, as much as I was hurting so much, I could not hurt those that love me. I may not always feel that I am capable of being loved but I do know I am. These people love me, unconditionally, even when I truly hate myself. I will do anything for those that I love, I couldn’t hurt them in that way.

I cant say the feelings, the thoughts or the desire to die went quickly. It didn’t. If I am honest it took months. But I don’t have them now. I do very occasionally have thoughts of wanting to disappear, but not to die. For me, that is a big improvement and it shows me that no matter how bad I feel on my bad days, I am not in that place anymore. No matter how exhausted I feel just existing, I know that exhaustion is a feeling of being alive. Truly, I am thankful to be alive.

If you are having these thoughts yourself, I ask you, no, I BEG you, to talk to someone. Everyone’s life is worth it. No matter how much you feel it isn’t. If someone talks to you about wanting to end their life, please resist expressing any feelings of disgust or contempt. Please just listen. Sometimes that is all anyone needs. An ear. I know it can feel impossible to understand, especially if the person has kids but I need you to realise, these feelings and thoughts are not a choice. It is a symptom of an illness. They will feel like it is their only way out. They need support and love not judgement. You might not agree, it might be frustrating when you believe they have a good life. They may have a good job, nice house, gorgeous children, lots of friends etc. That does not mean they are immune to ill mental health.

If people could just learn to listen I think a lot more people could be saved. This is my opinion. There may not be a cure for ill mental health as a whole, but I do believe there are ways that could enable a prevention.

Thank you for reading this. I know it wont necessarily have been a nice or easy read and if I have triggered anyone, I do apologise but this is a subject that NEEDS to be talked about. The statistics are becoming terrifying!

Much love

CC xx

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please contact:

Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Email jo@samaritans.org

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day
Visit the webchat page

 

Papyrus – for people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm
Text 07786 209697
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

 

Childline – for children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill

 

The Silver Line – for older people
Call 0800 4 70 80 90

 

Why Red Balloons? Well, let me tell you…

Claire_Daff844 Comments

I’ve been blogging a while now, well at least attempting to come across as a blogger when really all I feel is like someone who spouts randomness but is lucky that some people like to read it! A lot has changed since my first blog and I get asked quite often, “What is Red Balloons?” “What are you about?” etc so I decided, now that I have a few new readers and I have officially launched Red Balloons as a living, breathing entity, I would explain who I am and what I do, as well as why. A little insight to the crazy world of CC!

Very brief history, I have suffered from Depression for many years now, although extremely luckily for me, it was quite deep under the surface. I had ways of managing it where I could even forget I actually had it. Last year though, I had the worst flare up I have had in over 13 years. A flare up that very nearly cost me my life. My metaphorical bath was over flowing at an alarming pace and I could not see a way to let the water out safely. All of the things I had tried so hard to bury in my lifetime were determined to escape. Quite simply, they were too strong and I broke, into several pieces.

Luckily again, my attempt was unsuccessful. If I didn’t believe in Guardian Angels before, I certainly do now. And what I have realised is, it wasn’t my time. I have things I need to do here, things to achieve, people to help, a difference to make somehow, even if only a tiny one.

Counselling and my lovely friend introduced me to writing as a form of therapy and from there, this blog was born. My first blog post got 21 views. I was over the moon! I don’t write for others, unless asked for a blog piece for a particular reason, but that people chose to read what I had wrote was a lovely feeling. I began to feel that maybe if I could explain what was going on in my life, it could help someone else who was suffering, it could help someone not feel so isolated and alone, it could help those who have never really had any dealings with Depression or other mental health issues understand a little bit more. Although the word is getting louder, mental health problems are still HUGELY stigmatised. I am determined to keep campaigning for as long as is necessary to try and ease this stigma, a mental health issue can be just as crippling as a physical condition. Just because you cant see it, or maybe dont understand it, it does not mean the damage is any less severe, that the pain is any less than that of a broken limb.

So, why the name? The Red part, although coincidentally my favourite colour, was in homage to RED January. This charity event as such (to do some sort of physical exercise every day for the whole of January) was such an instrumental part of getting me onto the path I am on now. It was the very start of me being able to mix my passions, mental health and fitness, as well as being able to raise over £300 for Mind. It was the start of me giving back, doing my bit to help in any way possible. Through RED, I have met a whole new family, I am part of an amazing community who I am so proud of! We celebrate each other, support each other, virtually hold each other up when we are not strong enough to do it ourselves. EVERYONE should have a community like RED. I truly believe the world would be that bit nicer a place!

Balloons? Well in the spirit of me being different my version of the balloon metaphor is the opposite of the standard image. As a rule, the balloons signify being able to let go. You put your worries/stresses into the balloon and then you let them go. Yeah, I supposed I get that. For me though, every balloon signifies a part of my life. When things start to go a bit tits up, a balloon breaks free and starts to float away. I lose control. I need to chase that balloon to catch it, to get it back in the bunch where it belongs. I need to take control and hold on firmer. Sometimes more than one balloon breaks free and it can seem nearly impossible to chase them all down, but I don’t give in until all balloons are caught and back as close to me as possible. Also, balloons are a sign of fun, of freedom, of happiness. How can you not smile at a big bunch of gorgeous Red Balloons??

From the blog, I went on to approach Middlesbrough and Stockton Mind to do more charity events for my local service. I have now successfully raised over £1000 for them through a 10km and my very first (brutal) Half Marathon. During the chat I got taken on as a volunteer, first for anti stigma, then peer support and finally, recently for Active Minds (all info can be found on their website 🙂 ) It was during certain discussions that a tiny idea I had, of what I would love to be able to offer, became public. Exercise had saved my life, in more ways than one. I wanted to show how exercise could benefit you so much mentally as much as physically. That you didn’t need to be ripped or a marathon runner or anything to be able to utilise it’s benefits. Everyone starts somewhere! Exercise, physical activity should be fun, not a chore. You should WANT to do it. It might start off a bit hard to get used to making time to begin with but if you persevere it WILL become a habit. It gives you time for you, doing something that only has good results.

Mind saw the passion I had, saw potential in my idea and encouraged me to go forward for my group facilitation and peer support qualification. I was also on the development team for National Mind’s new peer support toolkit. My confidence and belief started to grow so I decided to take the opportunity with both hands and take the leap. I set up a Facebook page to start to send the message out. Through an amazing friend, I managed to secure the perfect venue, that support me and my ideas. Then it was time, Red Balloons is now a fully fledged, active, physical, peer support group! I now have the exciting yet nerve wracking job of ringing HMRC and making it all “official” and opening bank accounts etc. The business side of it, not the most thrilling tasks but all exciting in their own way!

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A brief description of what happens at one of my sessions, it is a mix of discussion and activities designed to get you moving. The activities will be chosen weekly by members, it could be anything from stretching to circuits to a team sport like rounders. All activities will be able to be scaled to a persons fitness/physical ability or an alternative option offered. Discussion wise, this is where people can be as open as they like or just listen. We will discuss barriers of exercise, why we feel people are wary of physical activity, discuss ideas to get us moving. I want my members to have ideal goals, maybe it will be to run a 5km, maybe it will be gaining the confidence to join a gym, maybe it is to make a personal pledge that they will do something for a certain amount of time a day. I want them to brag about their accomplishments, to speak excitedly about potential ideas, to be honest about how it is helping them or about anything that may be worrying them. I want to create a safe, open place where the emphasis is on being healthy, in all aspects, mind, body and soul. I want to be able to help people realise their true potential and to believe in themselves. I want to gain just as much knowledge and support from my members as I am able to offer them. I want to trap a sense of community spirit. Getting people to get together, to talk, to have fun, to get active, to support and to encourage.

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It is very early days, I am riddled with self doubt sometimes but what I do have is passion and a huge belief in what I am offering. I want Red Balloons to float nationwide eventually. I have high hopes and big dreams. Sometimes I think maybe I am being too ambitious. But no, ambition is ingrained in me, as is the want, the need, to help others and give back in any way I can. I will do whatever is needed to get these balloons as high as they possibly could go!

So, in a nutshell, that is Red Balloons. My dream for a better life. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me, details below. If anyone is in a place where they could help spread the word, newspapers etc, please get in touch. Your help and support would be hugely appreciated. On that note, I shall leave that here. Looking forward to Red Balloons third session on Tuesday 😀

Much Love

CC xx

email: ccoulthard0413@gmail.com

Facebook: Red Balloons

Instagram: @girlwiththe_redballoon

Twitter: @balloons_red

Why I run

Claire_Daff842 Comments

I started this blog back in April as a way to supplement the weeks I wasn’t seeing my counsellor and to set my self targets/goals. I could basically either brag about myself or moan, regular readers will know it has been a journey that would make one interesting rollercoaster. I suppose in a way it is my safe place where I can say what the hell I want, because it is all mine. I am acutely aware that people do upon occasion read my random musings and I am so grateful. I just want to say that anything I say is never meant to offend, upset, trigger or affect negatively in any way. It is just me, being me. 100% raw, honest CC.

Now, what I have begin to realise more and more is that misery attracts misery. I am, wherever I possibly can be, a massively positive person. Someone could have me on the floor, kicking me in the ribs and if I liked their shoes I would tell them……. before punching them in the private area. Yet recently I have started to become very self depreciating, very angry and mopy and just generally a bit of a miserable cow! A frown doesn’t suit my English dandelion complexion! However, from a blog point of view, I have started to hit some of my highest views and visitor numbers. To be honest this kind of unsettles me and leaves me in a bit of a limbo. I am so very proud of my blog. I am never fake, I never lie, I never beat around the proverbial bush. I appreciate so much anyone that reads Red Balloons. I hope that me being so open and honest can help people. That it can make people aware of mental health issues and how it could affect them or how it could be affecting some round them. Maybe I shouldn’t be rocking the boat. Maybe I should just accept that some blogs will get more attention than others. I just want the positive side of things, the fight side, the fact that ill mental health does not have to dictate who you are and what you can achieve to be what shines through.

Anyway, having went for a trip round the block to get to the point of this blog, to get started. This will be a HUGELY positive blog, because today I feel positive. In fact, I feel like CC. I feel happy. Genuinely happy. I feel like I have made myself proud. I feel good. I have been more productive today before 11am than I have for the last few weekends, in total! And do you know the secret? Ssssshhhhhhh. Listen carefully……………. it’s because I could run!

I was laid in bed this morning, a habit I am starting to develop that I need to nip in the bud asap! I was feeling utterly lazy. I wasn’t hungover, I hadn’t slept great but it wasn’t the worst I have slept, I just couldn’t be arsed. Scrolling through Facebook as you do, and I was reading all the posts from my awesome RED community and I could see so many of them getting ready for park runs and long training runs and I started to get itchy feet! What was this? It’s been a while! The sun was streaming in the window, I knew it was cold but it looked like a gorgeous morning. I wanted to be out there! Right now. Yet, it still felt like a bit of a challenge to actually move from horizontal to vertical. So, I decided to make myself accountable. And how do you do that these days? You post your plan on Facebook! So it was 0739, I would get my arse out of bed in 6 minutes (I like nice round numbers) and I would go! No distance, no time, I would just run. To see what I could do.

Clock turned 0745 and that was it, I was up, with an encouraging arse kick by MB’s comment. “Go!” Yes, Go CC! Gym gear on, headphones in, my running playlist on loud, out the door and off I went! Not even a coffee first. I didn’t dare. This motivation feeling has been sadly lacking for a while now.

First thought, f*”k me, it’s flipping freezing! To begin my feet felt heavy, like I was having to concentrate on just getting one foot in front of the other, but as my legs started moving, my body started to warm up, my breath started to become hoarser, I could feel the smile on my lips getting bigger, bit by bit. I decided to run a route that I find visually stunning. The sun was blaring down on me and with every step I could feel all the tension, all the negativity of the last few weeks starting to lift. I found myself saying morning to people as they walked their dogs. I haven’t done that for a long time. I found my lips singing along to the songs playing loudly in my ears. It got easier with every metre. I have to listen to my body at the minute, I have had so many different twinges and injuries and illnesses, I didn’t want to exasperate any of them. I kept waiting for the familiar Achilles twinge, the calf tightness, but they didn’t come! I could keep going! I could feel my confidence oozing back, I could feel my brain starting to switch off for the first time in what feels like forever! All that was in my head was the music and the appreciation of being able to run somewhere so lovely.

I honestly expected to have to stop relatively early. 1km came and went, 2km, ok get to 2 mile CC, that will be fab considering what you have been doing. But no, I kept going. Because I could, because I was truly enjoying it, because I wasn’t ready to stop yet. 4km came and went and then, finally, at a point where my chest was saying come on, don’t push it, 5km hit! Yesssssss!!!! After nearly coughing up a lung, I couldn’t help myself and did a little dance on the spot. Go on CC! You are back baby!

5km might not seem a lot to some people. You might think 5km shouldn’t have been such a milestone for me considering it wasn’t that long ago that I was running them daily just because. Today though, I felt like I climbed a mountain. I feel like I have FINALLY smashed through the mental block I have had recently. It felt flipping amazing! I was singing (well miming, no way I would subject the public to my strangled cat tones) and had a proper spring in my step on the walk home. I was so tempted to do Glee style dancing but I resisted, just! I got the biggest genuine smiley selfie I have done in ages, IMG_20180224_091037_533.jpgeven I admit my eyes look shiny. Yes the laughter lines of my 30’s are suddenly becoming very apparent, but I just see that as a good thing. It reminds me, I love to smile. I love even more to laugh. It’s the best medicine. I started planning my day, but not in a “eurgh, I need to do this” it was an “OK, first I will do this, then this”.

Today is going to be filled with music. Loud music. Currently listening to some Soft Cell – Tainted love. What a tune! I don’t always listen to rave and chavvy stuff haha but I will never be ashamed that I do because I love it! It is going to be filled with college work and planning for next week’s Red Balloons session. It is going to be filled with healthy food, lots of coffee but more importantly, a tonne of smiles. I will talk to lush friends, laugh and just be content to be me, in this moment. Yes, there will be bad days, of course there will, I have an illness. Yet, a day like today can make those bad days and bad thoughts that little bit easier to handle. Good day memories can put a fluffy, shiny edge on a dark, sharp day. That is what gets me through. That is what keeps me going………

That is why I run!

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Have a weekend that is filled with as much positivity, love and laughter as you can. If you are feeling low or bad though, don’t be ashamed. This will pass. Until it does though, I am here.

Lots of sunny smiles

CC xx

 

 

Darkness and Light

Claire_Daff842 Comments

It’s going to be one those blogs where I am probably repeating a load of stuff I have said before but what I have started to realise is, that is exactly as it should be. I cant just say my bit once, draw a line and get on with things as that is not real life. If it was, well we would be carrying a lot less baggage as individuals! Imagine the ability to just be able to process something, analyse, evaluate and get rid of the thing that is driving you mad?! First time!! Wow! What a world we would live in!

Since we don’t, or at least I don’t, I obviously cant speak for everyone (although the way my gob goes ten to the dozen you would think I’d give it a damn good go!) I will just have to ramble away because, well put simply, because I want to! At the end of the day, you don’t need to read this but it has become something I need to do.

I do think it will be a blog of 2 halves. I am not all sad. I am not struggling with everything. Good, no, amazing things have been happening which are signs that although I feel like I am dragging myself through quicksand at the minute, I am still making progress. The cogs are still turning, the “bigger picture” is still being painted. The foundations are being put in place, maybe the builders are just having a break? Oh, they must be the council! *jokes*

OK, do I start with what the good or the bad bits? My head is very swirly at the minute and it can be hard to make things make sense so bear with me. I suppose I like to end my blogs on a positive note so lets go with the crappy bits. Why not ey? We all love a good rant. Now, where did I put my soap box??

I am SICK TO DEATH of feeling like crap! If it is not one thing, it is another and it is seriously starting to peeve me off! I NEED to exercise. I have to. I know this might sound utterly ridiculous to a lot of people but I quite literally need it to get through the day. It is my stress release, my feel good, my motivation, my pride, my success story. Without it, all my dominoes seem to fall at an alarming pace! Now, I know when you are injured or poorly you have to rest. Yeah that is fair enough. I didn’t always do that last year and I paid a small price some days. Yet this year I am doing as I should, but because I have been either ill or injured pretty much since New Year, I feel like my training and my fitness levels have decreased significantly. I feel like I am being punished for not being as strict with myself, that then makes me feel shame and crappy for “making excuses”. Then this kicks off my body issues. I start to see things again that people say aren’t there. There is a second chin, another tyre on the belly, my thighs are getting bigger, the bum I have worked so hard for is changing back. The list goes on. If you stood me in front of a mirror with a sharpie to mark the parts I currently dislike, well it would be an interesting picture. Screenshot_20180222-075639.jpg

I know this is all in my head. The fact that my scales have broke at home is probably a blessing as I cant weigh myself everyday. But for me it is torture because I cant weigh myself everyday. I have no idea if what I think is even right. So I start to overthink and it becomes of course you are right. All that hard work gone. It’s a tiring process honestly. I don’t want to be skinny/thin etc. What I want is be strong and healthy. What I want is to look in a mirror and see a body I am proud of. I want my mind to be healthy and focused and on point. All of this only happens for me when I can exercise. Addicted? Maybe. But as I have previously said, I am damn sure there are a lot worse things to be addicted to, especially with the frame of mind I am in at the moment.

I need to get out of this shame and disgust spiral and grab my motivation and determination back with both hands. I have the time, in a way, to train like a beast so you know what? As soon as this bloody cold does one, that is exactly what I am going to do! Ok, I am not where I wanted to be by this point in 2018 but do you know what? I am Queen of the Comebacks!

I got an email today that actually helped me see sense a bit (follow and subscribe to blurtitout.org if you suffer from depression or anxiety etc. Brilliant!) The quote below  was like it was written personally for me:

“Being busier than busy itself can bring with it a sense of pride, a feeling of purpose, and usefulness.

Not forgetting too, that resilience, ball juggling, passion, and grit, are all qualities and skills to be admired, at the right time.

But do you know what else is admirable, the ability to know when to stop.

And then stopping.

Because we all need to stop at some point; to refuel, for maintenance, for repairs.

It’s the knowing when to stop before ill health demands that we stop, that’s the tricky bit.

That stopping bit?
It’s far from easy.
There will always be eleventy billion things to do in this conveyor belt of life, people to see, deadlines, bills, things.

But there is only one you. 

And you are much more important than you give yourself credit for.”

I might not believe it right now, but yes! I am!

So, lets change it round for the last part of this blog. Because I am a positive person and these things are what keep me going. This weeks achievements:

  • I held my very first, very own, peer support group, aptly named Red Balloons (of course). I was incredibly nervous. My faith in myself faltered constantly. What started as a tiny seed of an idea in my mind many months ago has grown into reality! Stood outside the gates waiting for any members who might turn up, I wanted to run away. I genuinely thought I couldn’t do it. I was kidding myself. Fast forward 1 hour later and I was elated! 5 people turned up. 5! I was over joyed. We talked, I explained what Red Balloons was and why I wanted to set it up. We made plans as to what we wanted to do next week. They thanked me. They were smiling! Did I help? Even a little bit? I really hope so. I know this will be a slow process, especially with it having a fitness element. People are nervous of exercise. One thing I do have though is PASSION. I genuinely believe in what I am doing and I am determined to shout the message as loud as I can to anyone who is willing to listen. I cant wait to see what next week brings!
  • I got a conditional offer to DURHAM UNIVERSITY!!!! Now, it is subject to certain grades which, honestly, I wont achieve now. That hasn’t dragged me down though as firstly to get the grades I have been getting with what has been going on, well I am chuffed to bits! That Durham even wanted to offer me and place has made my actual year! That they could see in my application that if I could get the right grades they would be happy to have me as a student? Wow! Secondly, my heart was already set on Teesside. It makes sense from a practical point but I just feel with what I am part of with the Steering Group and meeting some of the lecturers, it just felt right. I am at an Open Day there to see all about the Psychology side of things and I really cant wait. I have been ordering Sports and Exercise Psychology books already as I want to get a firm understanding and a good footing to be able to explain exactly what I want to do and why. It’s a very exciting time! One I NEVER believed I would ever have an opportunity to experience.

So yeah, I am feeling crappy, I am really struggling on mornings when they used to be the best time of day for me, but this is a blip. I know it is. I can change things round. Look what I have managed to do in less than 1 year already!Screenshot_20180222-075730.jpg

Lastly, I just want to say a MASSIVE thank you. Thank you to my close friends who hold me up when I am slipping down, who have stood by me through the bad times. Thank you to new friends who I am loving getting to know and who are bringing new laughter and experiences into my life, thank you to my virtual friends who are always there to support me, give me a kudos, tell me I am doing a great job. Such an amazing community. Thank you to those that came to Red Balloons. Thank you to Mind Middlesbrough and Stockton for setting me on the right path and helping in anyway they can. And lastly, thank you lot, who are still here at word 1602 reading my thoughts and feelings. You are all amazing and I am sincerely grateful to have you all as part of my life, one way or the other.

So, here is to Thursday! Hope you all have a fantastic day in any way you can

Much Love

CC xx

We all must change sometimes

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

Change – The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as…….

Nah, enough of that crap. But it is a subject that has been playing on my mind over the last few days and something that has been bugging me if I am honest. Some of us love change, love that every week or even every day is different, a new adventure. The rest despise it. They like to live where they know the “plan”, whether it be Taco Tuesday, Dress down Friday or just what their TV schedule is going to be.

Me? Well I like to think in a lot of ways I am in that annoying grey area you get when the circles over lap. In some ways I crave control and order. I work well under pressure, I like to know what is needed and when and get antsy if there isnt a routine of sorts. School holidays throw me out of whack! If you ask me, kids should have the same annual leave as adults. Get them ready for the working world 😉 …………………………… for anyone who is easily offended, that was a joke. Kind of!

However, I do embrace change. I am fully aware that change has to occur for things to develop. You have to make decisions without knowing what the final outcome is actually going to be. I find that exciting! Scary as well, but mainly exciting. Look at me now compared to this time last year. Granted, my personal circumstances dont look great on paper but ultimately they were my choices. They will help me become a better person. In fact they were two of the most “selfish” things I have ever done BUT I HAD TO. For me.

Look beyond that and what you see, I hope, is a lass that this time last year was terrified of even staying alive. Now, she has made monumental decisons over the last few months that will shape the future. Volunteering, starting college, about to go to uni, starting her own peer support group, being vocal about her mental health issues, helping others, about to run a marathon, etc.

I have so much to look forward to, I have achieved so much, yet the last few weeks the thing that seems to have changed the most is…..ME! My emotions are all over the place, I am losing grasp of my motivation and drive, issues I thought had been put to bed are starting to raise their ugly heads again and I feel, quite frankly, shit! Yesterday was an eye opener to me. I am used to the feelings of blah and sadness. Depression is being a massive dick at the minute and not seeming to give me more than one good day in a row, two if he is feeling particularly generous. Yesterday though, I had a whole new emotion I normally keep a tight lid on. Anger.

I am scared of my angry side. I struggle to control it properly and when it goes off, people get hurt. Often, innocent people. People who have done nothing but be there for me and want the best for me. Yet, in that angry phase comes pure hatred. Very occasionally it can be aimed at someone who has hurt me but mainly, it is aimed at me. Yesterday, I hated me. I hated my stupid head that couldnt focus, I hated my injuries that are stopping me from doing what I need to do to get my motivation back, I hated the insecurities that were playing around in my brain, I hated the voices in my head telling me everything was my fault – I was weak, worthless, an idiot, ugly, nasty, selfish. Oh the whole lot came out. So along with anger, was genuine sadness. A feeling of defeat. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, just vicious name calling and deafening darkness. I still believe I am not as low as I was – I can honestly say I want to live, but I sure as hell didnt want to be here. I didnt want to be me. I wanted to scream, shout, throw stuff and push everyone away as they didnt deserve this absolute mess of a person dragging them down to her depths of despair. Why would anyone want to put up with this person?

My ability to catastrophise things was in full swing. I hurt my calf on my long marathon training run the other day. Nothing serious, but certainly enough to halt my running for a few days. Oh well, that meant in my head, no way can you run a marathon. In fact, why bother running at all? These few days will see you getting fat again. You might as well, your skin is shocking, you look like a scruff and so on and so on. How can your own mind be so horrible? How can your own eyes look in a mirror and make your mind see an image that makes you feel so horrendous!? The only thing I could see was my faults. It took away all feelings of achievement, success, satisfaction at how much I have changed over the years. I felt like my head was going to explode! I couldnt be this person. I AM NOT THIS PERSON!

You see, for those who dont understand, a mental illness has the power to fully control you. It takes over your mind, body and even at times, your soul. You know what is happening, a bit like a puppet on a string in those old fairground shows, but can you hell change anything! It is one of the biggest fights you will ever have, trying to break free of those strings. Of getting back control. I believe that every scar is a blessing, a sign that you survived and stepped forward stronger but I tell you what, it is exhausting!

So, there I was, in my little funk, Depression pulling my strings. I could have just succumbed to it. I suppose many people wouldnt blame me if I had. It’s been one shitter of a bloody year so far. Maybe I do deserve to sit and lick my wounds. You know what though, that is not who I am. Even with this hideous illness that seems to be really attached to me, I am not a sad, angry, negative person. I am CC. I see silver linings, I hunt for the positives in every negative, so much so I probably make people vomit in their gobs sometimes. I use every bad thing as a springboard on to the next amazing thing. I am a good friend, a good listener. I believe everything happens for a reason and I am starting to believe in myself! I was not going back in my hole for anything!

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So on to the last part, you can breathe a big sigh of relief, go on, I know you want to. Lent. Ok, I am the least religious person ever. Unless you want a massive explanation, to probably somehow be offended and a debate, I wouldnt ask me why. However I do see a purpose in Lent. It is the time where you give up something that is important to you, something that would be a huge struggle to survive without. The common ones – smoking booze (why, I have no idea), chocolate and other sweet stuff, bread etc.

I racked my brains yesterday as to what I could do, even posted a FB status, as you do these days. Yet nothing was clicking, nothing was what I wanted to do. I had sat stewing over all the above and more and I happened to glance at myself. That’s it – I would give up – ME! Not in all my entirity, obviously I am aware from what people tell me there are some pretty decent things about me. I wanted to draw a line though. To mark this as an official end to all the personal negativity, to stop letting the broken part of my mind win. Last time it did, it did nearly won physcially. Not on my watch Depression. So as I am all for symbolism, I gave up – my blonde hair! I have been blonde for over two years now. My hair is important to me, it is an extension of my personality. You could look back and probably see a pattern emerge. That miserable, angry, negative, blonde CC could do one! In her place, a new, determined, aware, brunette CC came forward. It was a shock to me, I went quite literally from one extreme to another but I think I needed to. I need to go forward  now onto my new adventure. I need this time to explore me, my needs, my wants. I need space, I need freedom and I need to come back fighting. The cracks in my brain may never be fully fixed, but if I can only keep them from opening more, that is a win in my eyes.

I wont be miraculously better any day soon but I sure as hell wont be the lass I was yesterday. I dont know who she was, where she came from or what but I tell you one thing, I kicked her arse!

To anyone struggling, you CAN and you WILL get through whatever it is. Please remember though, you dont have to do it alone.

Rant over

CC xx

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What doesn’t kill you….

Claire_Daff844 Comments

I suppose the most positive thing about having the worst week of your adult life is the fact the phrase “things can only get better” seems to be a beacon of light. I tell you what, I hope so or they best get a room ready for me at Roseberry Park as I am really at the edge of the proverbial cliff right now. The floor beneath me is crumbling yet I cant seem to completely tear myself away from the edge. When I think it is sink or swim time I get scared as to be honest, swimming is not my thing!

I wish I could say I was just being dramtic, writing for creativity purposes but unfortunately this is my life at the moment. As much I have and continue to work my arse off for that bigger picture dream I have in my head, its seems the law of Sod is working against me. Depression has pulled out the big guns. He really doesnt like the fact that I have had the upper hand for the last few months. Or at least I thought I did. Right now I feel like it has all been one cruel joke. Dangling the carrot of the illusion that all my ducks were finally starting to get in a row, when one of the little buggars decided to do a flit and the rest just lost their head in a mass panic!

OK, what they hell am I babbling on about? I dont know. I just needed the soothing sound of the keys tapping under my fingers, I just need a form of release and after running, this is second best in the coping mechanisms I have to stop me losing my shit completely. I know bad stuff happens, I know I firmly believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes I really just think life likes to play you. To test you. To see if you are fit enough to take on the amazing things you keep telling everyone you are going to do.

So, what has happened to push me to my limits? What has occurred for me to honestly call this the “worst week”? Well lets put it plain and simply – my work life has gone tits up because I pushed myself too far and catapulted myself back over in my recovery process by trying to keep biting my lip and be a decent employee and then I broke my husbands heart by telling him our marriage wasnt working and we needed to be apart. To some it might seem like I am taking this all remarkably well, that it hasnt phased me, they may even believe it must have been easy for me. Easy? No. After nearly 8 years of marriage and 10 years of being together, with someone who has always been my best mate as well as my husband, easy is far from what it was. It was officially the hardest thing I have ever had to do and knowing that although it is the right thing to do for both of us, that I have caused so much pain to someone I love so very much, well lets just say, I have never felt pain like it. Yet I would hurt ten fold if I could take his pain away.

How do I know that I have done the right thing? Because we were becoming toxic for each other. Maybe it would make this easier if one of us had actually fallen out of love but we havent. In fact if anything I think we are probably guilty of loving each other too much, and not always in a healthy way. Thing is, for a strong, healthy relationship there has to be more than just love – you couldnt build a house with just one wall could you?

I am not going to go into detail about our relationship. That is private and out of respect of our vows I dont think it is necessary. What is to be said is we have agreed we both have issues that have just simply overtaken us too much to be able to focus on each other and our family. We need to be apart to start building ourselves to be stronger, happier, more balanced people. We deserve that and more importantly, our children deserve that. I grew up in a very unhappy home in a lot of ways and I truly believe that had a massive part to play in my issues, in fact in some areas I know for a damn fact it did! I do not want my children to struggle like I did. I want my daughter to grow confident and with a firm idea of what she deserves when it comes to being in a relationship. To know that if something isnt working, you try hard to find a solution but if you cant, it is nothing to be ahsamed of to admit that it isnt working. I want my son to grow up and know that he needs to be independant and strong and settle for nothing less than perfect for him yet know how to treat a girl properly. He should be making her cry tears of joy not tears of sadness.

My husband is a good person. One of the best I have ever met. Well I married him, so go figure!  I am a good person, or at least on my way to becoming one. Although heart breaking I am so happy I can still call him a friend, that we can support each other, that we still have the ability to talk about what we want, what we need, what we have done right and what we have done wrong. What we are doing is not giving up! No one who knows us can say we have not fought to keep our relationship going but what I hope people see is two people who have finally admitted there is a problem. It wont destroy us, it makes us more determined to go forward. It wont define us, it makes us fight harder to get better.

I know I hurt him by speaking the words out loud so soon, that I removed my wedding rings too. I can imagine that does put me in quite a bitchy light, but it was not aimed to be malicious or to cause any undue aggro, it was my logical side drawing a line. Trying to be strong and say right, this is it. Like tearing a plaster off. I have two sides to me, my logical side that enables me to get by day to day, to accept horrendous situations that have occurred, then I have my emotional side. The poor cow who I have constantly locked in a box. But this time, she broke free, and the arguments I have had in my head since Friday have been epic! I cant start to investigate how my heart really feels though until I have my head sorted. So for now, she can be out her box in the sense that I will let myself cry when I need to, but she is going to have to wait for the big indepth investigation of what the hell I am actually feeling, because right now, if I explore that avenue properly, being in the position I am on my MH scale, I am actually scared where my brain could take me. It is dangerous and it pains me to say that.

The thing is, I need to look at this all in as positive light as possible. If me and him can get better, can really address our issues, grow and become stronger, we will then in turn become better people; better partners and more importantly better parents. So that there is what reason I am going to take from this whole horrible situation. We are both looking forward now, not back. No papering over the cracks and slipping back into old ways which were slowly destroying us both.

In addition, I have had the decision made to take myself out of my work situation, for the forseeable future. I have been doing EVERYTHING I possibly can to help myself get better but when there are situations occuring that are just destroying you and your sanity, there has to be a time when you admit, enough is enough! Before I end up back where I was and thinking that there is only one way out of the misery and darkness. To be honest, I am way too close to that place than I care to admit and that is scary. I am lucky though, I have the strongest support network. Without them, I would be a shadow of myself. I know they wont let anything bad happen to me and they certainly wont let me become a victim of myself.

So for now, it is a case of taking each day as it comes, literally. Filling my days with positive things, working on the foundations I have already set; college, my volunteering, this blog, my social media campaigning and my getting myself physically fit. As I always say exercise is my therapy and I NEED those endorphins at the moment desperately. One other thing I am going to work on doing though is – resting. I need down time. I need to stop corkscrewing myself into the ground in a bid to make everything so fantastic that I cant see the bad things. I need time alone, I need quiet time, to rediscover who I am as an individual. I need to get better.

Wow! What a long blog! If you have actually got to this stage, I salute you!

Until the next time I need to type……..

CC xx

Is it YOUR #TimeToTalk ?

Claire_Daff844 Comments

Another month and another much needed, in my opinion, day of awareness on how important mental health is. February 1st is Time To Change’s turn, with their Time To Talk campaign.

Talking. From the minute you are born it is something your parents are so eager for you to start doing. They wait patiently every day to hear a word, a phrase, your first full, normally nonsical, sentence. Then comes the toddler/early school years where the chatter becomes constant from the moment the day starts to the moment it ends and parents are going bald from incessant hair pulling at the repetition, wishing sometimes they could shove play doh in their ears and their mouth is constantly dry from the “ssshhhh” ing and the “2 minutes”. The thing is, the thing I love is, that despite all this, the child never stops. They are more than happy to get their thoughts, feelings, opinions and general nonsense across. Me? I envy them!

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people out there for which talking is not an issue. I dont mean general, gossip or whatever but those lucky people who can open up. Who if they have a problem, are worried, sad etc have a place or person where they can go and get it off their chest. For someone who is emotionally and verbally challenged, although working through it, I can honestly say, the power of speech, the power that releasing words can have, is seriously under rated!

I cant remember when I stopped talking about things of substance. I cant pinpoint the time that I decided it would be easier to keep my emotions within. Where my brain decided I would be a logical thinker instead of a emotional one. The weird part for me is I can sympathise and empathise with people because of certain events that have occured, yet I wont always make the conscious link that that is what is happening. If I had a penny for everytime someone asked if I was OK and I turned around and said yeah of course when in fact I was crippled with misery/fear/loneliness I would be rather rich and definitely own a pair of Loubotins! When did I decide my pain wasnt worthy of support? When did I start thinking that no one cared? When did I think that if I was to say what was going on in my mind people would laugh or tell me I was being silly?

This inability to vocalise my thoughts and feelings created an internal wall and a hard outer shell. I became a not very nice person in ways so that I could deflect my own misery. The thing is, I think I got so good at being this version of a person, I managed to fool everyone, myself included, that I was that person. People had no reason at all to think there was anything wrong with me, bar the obvious daftness. What I wish and what I have learnt though, is the power of those simple words – “How are you?” and “Are you OK?” Just because someone isnt necessarily showing obvious signs that there is an issue, doesnt mean they are not struggling. If they seem to be dealing with a difficult situation remarkably well, maybe that is the action that could trigger the whole, maybe I should pay a bit more attention? From the person who is struggling it is a tough ask but believe that those asking actually care, that they want to know.

A wall can only hold back so much, once one crack shows it isnt long before they start to spread, like a disease. The wall weakens, it even starts to crumble. The problem is, if you dont have the right support structure in place, when it falls it can cause A LOT of damage, to yourself but also to those in the “splash” area. That is the thing that many Screenshot_20180131-072541.jpgpeople forget with mental health problems, it is not always only the sufferer who could be struggling, it could be those around them. Those that feel they should be strong, that they should be able to make them better, that are so confused as they do not understand what is wrong. People fear the unknown and I believe that mental health awareness should be taught and talked about from as an early an age as physical biology. They are just as important as each other!

This Time to Talk day, it doesnt matter who or what or where, just ask the questions, “How are you?”, “Are you OK?”. Reach out to someone who seems to have drifted away, contact a relative that maybe you havent spoken to for a while, take a friend for a drink, have a quality conversation with your children – whatever they want to talk about! Kids have feelings and worries just the same as an adult. They should NEVER be made to feel that what they are thinking or worrying about is silly. That monster under their bed could be a whole lot more than just their imagination.

For those who feel they dont have a voice, start off small. You don’t need to offload in one conversation, but if someone gives you an in, and you feel you can use it, go for it. If talking to people you know seems scary or impossible, reach out to someone impartial. I will always have so much respect for my counsellor as she really did help me see. I could say things to her I still would never dream of saying to those I care about. She gave me my voice. My blog gives me a loud voice, but nothing compares to hearing yourself out loud, words spoken from your lips.

Your feelings are your feelings, your experiences are your experiences. Don’t ever feel ashamed or worthless. Everyone has their own battles. Your strength might be the thing that helps someone elses weakness.

It really is ok not to be ok, and it is DEFINITELY #TimeToTalk

CC xx

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Something Changed

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“Something Changed – Stumbling through Divorce, Dating and Depression” by Matthew Williams.

I have been following Matthew on social media for a couple of months now, after he some how stumbled across my little old blog and shared his own with me. I absolutely love social media for this very reason – it enables you to connect with like minded people that maybe you would never have had the opportunity to get to know otherwise. From initial comments and finding out he is a fellow Teessider (I know I am not an official Teessider, being from Chester-Le-Street originally, but having lived here for over a third of my life now, I am going to assume I have been adopted!) it is clear we have a lot in common and quite a few of the same aims, namely, reducing stigma around mental health.

When I found out he had written a book, I was in awe. He started very much how I have (although much better with his words) with a blog (lovelaughtertruthblog.com for anyone interested, and you should be) and now is a fully fledged published author. For a little book worm like me, that was just a WOW moment! I spotted a post that was after people to review the book and I jumped at the chance. Not only did that mean I got to read the book, I got to blog about it. Win Win! So, here it is, my opinion, for what it might be worth anyway.

So, a book about Divorce, Dating and Depression. Maybe not a book you would automatically assume I would be interested in. I am not divorced, though truth be told, it has been very close on more occasions than I like to think about. Dating – thankfully never been involved in that area and if I am honest, if the worst was to happen and I found myself alone, I think I would become the ultimate cat lady. The prospect of “dating”, whatever that term really means these day, scares the bejesus out of me! Depression – ah, now this bit I know all too well about. I was intrigued to read it all, I am a very nosy person by nature and being able to read someone’s life on paper is like a dream, but in all seriousness, how people deal with things, especially mental health issues, fascinates me. So yesterday, although I had attempted to start it back in December when I received it, I picked it back up. From that moment I have barely been able to put it down! So much so, I finished it off today. What a read!

From the outset, what I was impressed with was the total honesty. Having not met Matthew yet, although hoping to sometime in the near future, it was like I could hear him telling his story. Like we were sat over a coffee chatting like friends do. I could pick up on the North East dialect, which I loved! A favourite line of mine being “it bloody knacked” in reference to when he dislocated his elbow. Writing styles like that keep it real, it kept me engaged, it helped me build more of a picture in my mind as I continued reading.  Although not the most uplifting title perhaps, the book it self is easy to read, easy to get involved with and bloody difficult to put down.

I believe it takes a very special, and in a way, brave person, to write down their inner most thoughts and feelings. I am not saying that because I do it myself, it is a genuine statement. Divorce is an extremely personal issue, something that people avoid talking about, it becomes the elephant in the room in some cases. To be able to write about it and then share with the world how it affected you, mixed in with your story of how Depression affected you too…… hats off Mr Williams! There is humour too, which to be able to bring humour into such a subject is a skill in itself.

As I was reading there was a lot I could relate too. It seems we have very similar experiences with our mate Depression and have a similar thought process. It always pains me to read someone’s struggle with mental health as I know first hand what a battle it is, how it feels to feel so low, so alone. I wouldn’t wish the misery it can bring on anyone. The sheer exhaustion it brings to sometimes just exist. But this book isn’t just about the bad times, it is about how he came back from that place, how, as I see it, everything happens for a reason. He might not be on the amazing path he is on now, doing the fab things he is doing, if it wasn’t for the experiences and troubles he has faced. It is a true story of a mental health fighter, a bad ass who didn’t let the lying little shit Depression win him over. He stared the Black Dog down and ultimately, won!

20180121_145958.jpgI don’t think there is a more apt phrase to end a book like this one. I love the feeling of positivity that runs throughout the whole book, even during the more sombre parts. I love that it has lit a fire in him and he wants to fight the fight for mental health understanding, to make mental health an every day subject. Suicide is the biggest killer amongst men under 45 as they don’t feel they can talk, that they should be able to cope with everything and be strong and not cry. Utter bull. It shouldn’t matter how biology defines you, I am pretty sure all brains are similar! Just because you have a penis does not mean that you have to not cry, or feel that you cant admit that you are struggling.

This book could and I have no doubt will be, the life line for so many men out there. If any part of the title jumps out at you, give it a read. In fact, just give it a read whoever you are because it is class. True fact! Because Matthew is doing what so many people wish they could but don’t quite have the ability to do yet, speaking out. He is being the voice of so many people, he will help so many people just by being himself. That, in my eyes, is just flipping amazing! Men and women alike, read it. From a lasses point of view it was really interesting to see things like divorce and dating from a male point of view. Without all the usual stereotypical bluffing and innuendos.

From a personal point of view, I think I best up my blogging game haha! But seriously, I am so glad to have “met” Matthew, to have been able to read his book and to be able to see where this crazy journey called life will take him. It’s all about the support and I have that to give by the bucket load!

Congratulations Matthew! You bloody deserve it! Keep going and I hope there is a book number 2 in the future. For now, this signed copy of book number 1 will take pride of place on my bookshelf. Thank you for sharing with me. I loved it!

Until next time!

CC xx

 

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Yep, a signed copy! *Fan girl moment*

 

What will be will…

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be.

Or so we seem to be told all the time. And yeah, I suppose for a lot of things that is entirely true.

But what about what doesn’t have to be? Why are we so determined to let shit decide what is best for us when ultimately we know the true answer? For those that have utmost confidence and just know their crap, can you please reach out and let me know?? Genuine request!

Is it just me or when things don’t go to plan, do you seem to question everything else? Promise despite what this sounds like, it is not an interview/questionnaire! I just have a whole lot of questions whirling round at the moment. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a bit fucking confusing!

So not sure I mentioned this but I have been assessed for ADHD. In a nutshell it came off the back of the wrong questionnaire being given during an appointment, and they persuaded me to pursue it due to my answers. Weird, I thought. Why the fuck would they ask me to do that? I have many, MANY issues, but that certainly wasn’t something that crossed any mind of mine. Yet, I put the referral in with support of my doctor, and in general terms I got “seen” relatively quickly by waiting list standards.

Did I admit I was losing my mind? Possibly, but anyway..

The thing that has come out of all this, that PISSES ME OFF no end, is either no one really gave a shit when I was kid (truthfully this is the option I feel is more apt) or I was just really fucking good at being who I needed to be for everyone else. This is also a massive fucking potential.

The thing with this being honest shit, is I am, as long as it only involves me. Loyalty is a cunt haha

Basically, I can’t be diagnosed with ADHD because despite there being screamingly obvious symptoms of it, and the fact it can explain, well pretty much all of my life, it can’t be evidenced for me as a child.

I’m torn here because I don’t want to cause pain for my Mam, but as a child I couldn’t be me. I spent so much of it in books and music. In being outdoors with my friends. Because then I didn’t need to accept reality. I didn’t need to hear the fighting. The arguing. The screams. I didn’t need to go to bed shit scared in case my Mam was dead when I woke up. Sounds dramatic – trust me, that was a massive part of therapy for me!

Do I need a diagnosis?

To begin with, that had never even appeared on my radar! My ex, my son – absolutely. Me? Nah, I was just a traumatised little soldier. But then professionals, ironically, encouraged me that this was the answer. So then I started to overthink it all (standard) and think that maybe this was the key to making changes and the reason I had failed up to this point was because no one understood me. Boo fucking hoo Claire!

Do I think I have ADHD?

After ALOT of research and conversations (and don’t fuck with me over research. I have a degree bitch, I know the crack) I do believe I do.

Do I feel I need to push the sutuation further?

For a while I debated it. My psychologist was really keen that I did. But, the more I looked into the treatment of it all, this is all MY opinion by the way, I decided that yet another fucking label was going to help no one. And although I have some things I need, or would like help with, I don’t want to not be me. Yes I may be currently on antidepressants, but I didn’t want a medication that would seemingly change me as a person.

Who ever thought I would say that!!!!

That is growth ha!

What I mean is, yes I crave help with my focus. I would love to be able to concentrate for longer than 5 minutes, and as for sitting still, well currently I am using that as extra calories burnt in my weight loss journey! But I don’t actually want to lose my “chaos!.

Not Depression. Not Anxiety. Those can go fuck themselves!! They try to control me every day.

I mean ME. My passion. My motivation. My willingness to put myself on the slab for others to believe me when I say I get it! As exhausted as I am on a daily basis because of it, I am NEVER bored. Genuinely. I never get a chance to be!

When I started being honest about how, well, fucked up I was, I was so scared that medication would numb me. I get that I need help to level out so to speak, but I will always work to be meds free. I used to be so fucking ashamed (another reaction from childhood) but I now do really rate the effects of medication. It has most certainly saved me on more than one occasion. I know this sounds so fucking contradictory but I know what I am trying to say haha. But, I want medication to only ever be a temporary measure, again, for me.

I never want to lose the joy of music. Of laughing at absolute shit. Of getting lost in a book. Of feeling others emotions so I can relate and help, if I can.

What will be will be, in the sense that, for now at least, I am going to navigate this crazy shit called life as best as I can, on my own (friends and family aside before you all boohoo). Did any of my other labels help me? Well they may have helped me understand myself, but they didn’t make me more me than I already was!

2026 has been blocked off, for me. And I am taking it deadly serious. Mortality becomes more of a subject every day as you get on. It’s time I take this on board. If I want that eventual world domination, I need to be my best self!

If this has made sense, give me a thumbs up hahaha

Claire x

It’s time…..

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I had plans for this blog to be a letter to my past self, in the hopes it would serve as an inspiration to my future self, but then I couldn’t quite get in to the feeling of it. Ironically I think I overthought my way out of it!

Instead I have been pondering on something I heard on a podcast (Grace Beverley – she is fantastic!), and it really helped me make at least one HUGE decision, something I had been thinking about for longer than I care to admit, but hadn’t had the guts I suppose, to execute.

The conversation itself was about paths. The paths available to us, the paths we choose etc. For most it makes sense to believe there are just two paths – the right one, and the wrong one. These are the kind of conversations often held with addicts, those in trouble with the law, even those with problems within their family dynamics. However, what if it isn’t as easy as being on the right path and things working out for you? What happens if you are on the right path, but actually that path isn’t going to serve you long term, and the destination you might have had in mind at the start doesn’t match who you are now?

Now I am sure you are thinking – what the fuck are you on about now Claire? But, bare with me!

OK, so circa 2017 I was on a path that was making me horribly ill. It was a path that hadn’t really ever been a choice of mine, I had simply followed it and handled the hurdles that were shot up in front of me, to some sort of ability. Certainly not the best of my ability, but to some degree. Until I couldn’t handle them anymore, and I wanted the path to end. I could see no bright light, no positive future, no reason. This path did in fact come to an abrupt end, but at that end of the road sign, eventually, with a lot of help, I found a gap in the bush, leading me to another path.

This path would become my “right” path for a number of years. On this journey I would gain a lot of new qualifications, all focused around my struggles, I would gain fitness experience, I would run half marathons publicly, being a public mouth piece for mental health, I would run the fucking London Marathon! I would start a selection of groups and create the foundations of what would become a pinnacle mental health charity in Teesside. I would visit some amazing places, meet some inspirational people, raise money for others and gain a degree!

On this path, for a long time, I had a vision. A plan. I thought that I knew where I would end up. I had what was the closest to a dream as I suppose I had ever had, that was actually realistic (alas marrying Elvis was one such example of one that simply was not). And for a while that plan worked well, and I made progress!

Until I didn’t.

Until several life events started to tip the scales in a negative favour. Until mental ill health episodes kept putting me back. I hold no regrets over not gaining my Masters as it was the very start of making choices for myself and my health, but it will always be a what if moment. Until I had to make choices that didn’t fit with my shiny vision, but I now know how necessary they were. Until the path I was on, although a “right” path, was simply not the right path for ME anymore.

No one really talks about how hard it is to deviate from a path that to the spectator seems the “obvious” choice. I have had countless conversations about how my perspectives and attitudes to things have changed, and although I understand their disagreement, what they can’t ever see is the hours and days and weeks of deep ruminating, questioning of myself and chronic self doubt that has led me to where I am now standing. They also can’t feel the weight of the world being lifted as I am now starting to do things for myself, not what is expected of me.

I have had to make incredibly difficult, but what have actually turned out to be easy decisions when I have looked at current situations objectively, and to a degree, taken emotion out of the equation. Emotions are so valid and a strong indication of what could be, but they can also disable you and cloud your vision, fuzzy your mind and enhance your naivety.

2025 has been a whirlwind of a year, which I am sure I have mentioned. However, despite all the shite that has occurred, and my current bout of ill mental health, I have found that spark in me once again. That spark that started wayyyyyy back at the end of 2017 when I first felt happy to actually be alive. Although I have plans for 2026, of course I do, it’s me!, I have also become very aware that 2026 HAS to the be the year where I put myself first – my health more so than anything else. Once my health is sorted, well that is my domino!

My vision still has components of that vision way back when, and there are elements of it I will absolutely be developing and growing, but I know I don’t have to do everything right this minute. I have learnt so much about who I am, and how I suppose I was definitely trying to be someone I wasn’t (again, that has actually been a continuous thread in my life that keeps getting me, then I realise when it is too late so to speak), which in turn created my significant loss of identity, that these are now going to be my personality pillars that help guarantee my growth and personal development.

I would say don’t worry, I’m still going to be the usual hilarious sarcastic twat I have always been haha, but truthfully that Claire has not been present for a long arse time. So instead, I can say she will absolutely be making a come back!

As I close the door on Chapter 2025 I want to say good bye to all the people, drama’s, situations and personal ideologies that no longer serve me. 2026 is the year of peace. Of health. Of healing. Of being around those who care about me, warts and all. Of doing things that fill my soul. Of growing into the bad-ass bitch I know I truly am!

Things will not be easy, and this path will have it’s own share of potholes, tree roots and all the other hurdles, but for now, going forward, it is the right path for me, at this time.

To all my family, friends and subscribers, thank you for all your love and support. I wish you and yours all the best for the New Year, and look forward to blagging your head with more content in 2026!!!

Claire xx

Be honest with yourself

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Three blogs in three weeks! I’m on a roll!

Today’s musings – why are we so reluctant to do what we need to do for ourselves? Why is life always about every one else??

People stay in relationships that don’t make them happy. They often say it is for the kids. Bullshit! I absolutely get their point, but speaking from experience, children want happy parents, not just a family unit.

People stay in jobs they don’t like/are not getting their worth from.

Volunteers basically put their all into everything as they feel if they choose themselves even just a fraction, that they are failing.

We are so keen on impressing, pleasing, doing what we think every man and their dog feels like we should be doing that we fail to see what we actually NEED.

The whole term you can’t drink from an empty cup is, like most other “motivational” quotes, cringy as fuck! But, it is true! And this is coming from a lass who has not only emptied her cup, but smashed it off the floor or walls, more than once! More than she would care to admit to be fair.

Why are we so against being happy?? Whatever that means to us personally. Honestly, answers on a post card please, as it blags my fucking head!

However, I am STARTING to actually learn! Believe it or not. My current period of the dickhead that is Depression may have floored me a bit, but it has also made me realise there is some fight in this bitch yet! Although yes, I have had periods where I have thought, “fuck me, I am so tired of all this shit. Nothing changes!!”, I haven’t actually wanted to die, nor have I binged and purged. That for me is a huge fucking win as we all know that purging gives me a buzz. It helps me feel in control. I won’t lie and say I don’t miss it, as to be truthful I do. I miss the escape it gave me, albeit even briefly. I miss having a bonafide way of making me feel instantly better. And I just don’t have the money for drugs. That and I do actually love my job! I also miss being a few stone lighter! (don’t hate on me, it was a half joke!)

I’ve made a few choices recently, for me, and I won’t lie, it feels weird as fuck, and the levels of guilt are off the charts!! Also, FOMO is a real twat!

Last night was my staff do, and I mean it when I say I work with a bunch of absolute legends! Some of the most real and loveliest people I have ever had the decency of knowing, who work their fucking arses off to ensure our kids have the best of the best while they are with us! Yet, I knew I just couldn’t do it. My head just wasn’t in it, and I know that I would have set myself back, but also I didn’t want to burden people with my shit. Plus, it’s that time ladies, and despite the pain, I am also an emotional mess. No one wants that while dancing round their handbags!!

I know it comes across as me doing it for them, but I genuinely did it for me. I wrapped xmas presents, had tea, watched Mary Poppins (absolute classic!) with a glass of red wine, and went to bed early. It was a nice day. For once nice doesn’t hold that underlying current of “eurgh” either. It was simply, nice. I don’t let myself have days like that nearly enough.

The second thing I have done is ask for the gift of time. It may or may not be temporary, but you know when you know somethings got to give? Yeah – that is me! It makes me feel weird inside to say this, but I know I have the qualifications and experience to be “more” of what I currently am. Yet, I love my job. I love the school. I LOVE the children and I have so much respect for the families. All I want to do is make their lives as happy as I can.

I spoke last time, or maybe the time before, fuck knows, I don’t actually read my blogs back haha, about wanting to save the world. As I am well aware of, I can’t. But if there is any chance I can make a shadow of a difference, I will do my utmost. Truthfully though, my passion for doing what I can is also what can absolutely crucify me. I can’t, and won’t, even begin to describe the things I see and hear every single day. Anyone not in a role like mine, or working in an area like mine would 100% believe I was either lying or exaggerating. You know what – I welcome that. Because it means that they haven’t seen the cruel, dark, disgusting world that is reality for far too many people!

Why did I take this job if it causes me such turmoil? Because I get it. I have lived it. There are so many experiences that I relate to on a personal level, and although everyone has a unique and personal experience, I understand the thought process. The way they may think of themselves. The belief that life has to be such a way. I had a conversation with someone (an adult) the other day, who stated “these children have seen more than I ever will.”. It’s true! They have. And some (most of it) is fucking brutal!

But everyone deserves a chance.

Reigning myself back in though, as that wasn’t the narrative I was going down. My point, if you can believe there is one, is that care and compassion starts at home. We need to shine that light on ourselves sometimes and realise that just because we do something for ourselves does not mean we care any less. It doesn’t make it selfish. We can’t keep making plans and agreeing to shit because we feel it is expected or out of fear of judgement.

Firstly, I have learnt that if someone wants something directly – they will make it known. Ask the question – shy bairns get nowt!

Secondly, by pretending we are OK, or grinding ourselves down never actually helps anyone! We get ill. We get exhausted. We get resentful.

We quit.

You are not a quitter! You deserve the time to heal. To understand your own motivations. To actually put all that love that you give to everyone else into yourself.

Why? Because you are sooooo fucking worth it!

xx

Random Ramblings

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I know I want to write something, but at the moment I have no idea what haha so I am hoping that by simply tip tapping away it will come to me. It always amazes me when people have themes and plans and ideas when it comes to their writing. For me that would add far too much pressure, and I know I wouldn’t be as truthful as I would constantly overthink. I’ve said it before but doing it my way has often meant I have learnt things about myself that I hadn’t even realised. It’s all a bit mad!

I look back and see just how much things, and myself, have changed since I started doing this. I started writing as I couldn’t seem to get the right words to explain myself vocally, and often felt like what I had to say was stupid, or pointless. As I mentioned in my last blog, doing things this way means people have a choice if they want to know what is going in the dark but also multicoloured neon chaos that is my mind. I am a walking contradiction. A massive hypocrite. But also someone who just wants to have a purpose. To know that she can help, even just a little bit.

More importantly I want people to know there is hope.

That life might deal you a shitter of a hand, and at times you might think that your life is destined to go a particularly negative way, however, I am living proof that it doesn’t have to. All you need is that belief in yourself, even if it is just the tiniest spark to start with. Determination to prove people wrong will be your biggest motivator. And through time you will pick up people along the way that will believe in you too. Who will support you and be your biggest fans.

I thought turning 40 was going to be this big, massive, dramatic change in life, and that amazing things would happen, and I would suddenly be a fully fledged adult with at least half a fucking clue about life. Oh how 2025 has took me down a peg or ten! Now don’t get me wrong, some absolutely AMAZING things have happened – the birth of my Granddaughter being the cherry on my family cake that I had never realised I had needed. Her and her mam might live so bloody far away and I may miss them so much it physically hurts, but I am so proud of my daughter and the life she is creating for herself, and her daughter. I also laughed and told her karma is a bitch 😉 haha. I have said it many times before but I don’t think my children will ever realise just how much they inspire me, and although I am trying to work out the life that I want, ultimately everything I do is for them and their future.

I remember when I started all this, and started talking about my mental health and suicide etc. Although on the whole I have had positive, wonderful support and feedback, I have had my fair share of negativity. It happens when you decide to put yourself out there, and even though you understand and expect it, it still impacts.

One thing that really got my goat was being told I had an ego. That actually stung as yes, the stuff I have done and continue to do is not completely selfless, I of course benefit, however it was never about me. It was about raising awareness, breaking barriers and helping even just one person who was struggling and in the darkest place believe in their life and want to keep living. However, the main thing that really got to me was being told I was a bad mam. That I should live for my children. That I should not be talking about things such as suicide and ill mental as my children should not know and I should be protecting them.

Absolute bollocks!

Firstly, my children were the reason I felt that I shouldn’t be here anymore – because I love them so fucking much that the only way in my mind at that time that they could be happy was without me “ruining” things. I was so utterly broken and believed that I was the common denominator in the bad things that have happened in my life. I didn’t want me to be the reason my children had a shitty life, and in my minds eye that is exactly what was happening. I know now that they are my reason for living, but in a very different way to what you might expect. I also learnt that to be able to live properly and be the best person you can be, you need to WANT to live for yourself too. That has been the hardest part of my whole recovery really, as I struggle massively with self worth and self belief, even to this day! (See, example one of hypocrisy!)

Another thing I became acutely aware of is how much stigma is around mental health in families, or settings that focus on children. If you are a single person stating you are struggling and want to die, that is OK. There is much less shame or judgement, and more understanding, more options for support. However in families you have the shit I had to face. You have the fear of social services being involved so your mask becomes iron clad and you feel you have no way of accessing help or support as the judgement and scorn will be too much. You fear looking like you can’t parent your own children, and that all your decisions and actions are scrutinised. This leads to a build up, that grows and grows and becomes more toxic, until something snaps!

Much worse than that though, in my opinion, is children are growing up in a society where expressing any emotion that is negative creates shame or controversy. Children are labelled as young as pre-school, and don’t even get me started on the lack of support and services for children and young people. Our Government should be ashamed!.

The thing for me is, how could I trust my children would be willing to speak to me about anything they were struggling with if I was to go round with a perma-smile attached to my face and pretending that the world is all unicorns and rainbows and I am happy all the time? I wouldn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, my children don’t know the in’s and out’s of everything I have done and felt, but they know enough where they can understand and empathise that sometimes people just aren’t OK, and that in itself is OK. It is OK to talk and say something is hurting, or confusing, or scary. It is important to be able to explain that motivation seems to have disappeared and everything seems more difficult at the moment. It is necessary for everyone to understand negative emotions and their purpose in life. It is equally important to be able to put a name to them and feel safe and supported when talking about them.

Yes, mental health conversations need to be age appropriate. Absolutely agree! But they must must must be discussed, as early as possible. I actually have Zones of Regulation key chain that I hang on my lanyard at work. The children love it! But it also makes those conversations so much easier to start. If a child says to me they are blue (sad) or yellow (worried), then this can open up a conversation where the child can feel safe to talk about why. They may not have a word for how they feel, but the colours and the faces on them help the child identify a connection between them and themselves.

I say all the time that I want to save the world, and I really do! But what does that look like when you don’t have Batman’s gadgets and Superman’s ability to fly? For me, I am still very much working that out, and I think that this year I have struggled as apart from the things I have seen and heard, I have been very aware that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be 5 years ago. My plans have all but completely changed, and for a large part of the year I have felt lost, and have simply been going through the motions. I stated last week that my Depression had obviously been around longer than I had realised but I also haven’t been working on my bigger picture. I have felt a failure as my life isn’t what or where I expected it to be at this stage, but I haven’t actually allowed myself to question the why? and to look at what is being built instead. To understand that although my core values are very much still the same, and just as strong, my motives have changed. I always believed that it would be adults where I felt I could make the biggest difference, however as time goes on it has become very clear to me that my future is working with children and young people.

I always say, my experiences in life may have broken me at times, but they have also made me a fuck tonne stronger, and even more aware of the negatives in this world.

What does the future hold? How am I going to save the world??

Watch this space………

Time for some home truths!

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

It isn’t until shit hits the fan in an extraordinary way that you realise just how lost you have been, and how very little of the things that make you feel good, that help you manage the day to day stresses of life, you have been doing. The strategies and activities that took months and years to incorporate into your lifestyle.

Yep, I am speaking from experience. As I sit at my dining room table instead of being at work because life got too fucking hard and instead of doing all the right things, over the last, well truthfully probably the last year, I have been doing limited to none of the things I know I need to do to keep myself healthy.

I could sit here and blame a lot of things: my leg injury that has meant I haven’t ran in the longest time. My weight gain. Working a full time job. Having a child with sporting commitments. Having a job where I worry that being honest in a blog like this could jeopodise it. Having family members with serious health concerns, and having to watch them go through literally life saving surgery, twice this year.

I could go on…..

But if I am brutally honest, I just stopped caring about myself. Stopped looking after myself. Stopped believing in my aspirations and simply put my all into everyone else around me, especially the children and families I work with. I went into severely triggering situations without any preperation, without any awareness of what it could do to me, but more importantly I have found, without anyway of processing the situations and identifying the repercussions in order to do what I should have done to keep myself safe and healthy.

Now I say safe. I want to clarify I am safe, and I am currently not experiencing any wishes or ideas of harming myself, or ending my life. What I mean is, self preservation. Protection and acceptance of my emotions. Understanding of the physical and mental implications that life has had on me. The lack of sleep. The headaches. The achy body. The lack of pleasure or motivation in things. The constant feelings of being lost and unsure of what even the next hour holds, never mind the day, week, month etc.

If I am to be even more open – I have known my Depression has been bubbling for a couple of months. Possibly longer than I had realised, but certainly longer than I have wanted to admit to myself, never mind anyone else. And I was naïve. Believing that because I have done alllllll the therapy and I agreed to go back onto my meds, and because I was getting up and going to work, that even though I wasn’t doing the things that help me maintain balance, I could navigate this shit and simply wait till it fucked off again.

Claire Louise Daff – you are an ignorant fool!

Now that is not me being a general dickhead to myself and calling myself names for the sake of it. That is me being completely upfront and admitting to myself, and you reading this, that I have went back 9 fucking years into the time of my life which I will now call “kidding myself”. Pretending that I am OK, even when I know I am drowning. Putting on a mask and only ever answering the question of “How are you?” with “Yeah, I’m alright” or “I’m OK”, or my two hate to love phrases “I’m just tired” and “I’m just really busy at the moment”.

For a start, anyone who knows anything about me knows that busy is actually one of my ways of coping. When I am busy I thrive! So to use that as a excuse to cover how I was feeling is just batshit in my opinion.

What has brought me to write this blog then?

I am not ready to talk to people fully. At least not family and friends. I am prepared to be more honest with them about how I am feeling, but I am not going to go into long, detailed explanations. Why? I’m not even nearly there yet, and to sound utterly petulant, I just don’t want to! This is why my blog is so very important to me. I might not be able to vocalise the words that are needed, but writing it down always brings me a sense of relief. I feel much less of a burden, and it is someone’s CHOICE to click on the link and read my thoughts, as opposed to possibly asking me how I am, out of genuine kindness, but not actually wanting to hear the actual truth. Or least a longhand version of it.

Now I must stress that I am VERY lucky, and I have amazing people in my life that will absolutely listen to me rant and rave on, all day every day. My gratitude to them knows no bounds! That last paragraph wasn’t putting their care about me into question – as I have always said, my blog is about MY thoughts, and at the moment, my opinion of myself is very low. The pressure I have been putting on myself to be this, that and everything else has now broken me.

This blog, as with the very first one I ever wrote, is about acceptance and accountability. I have said it – I am so very not OK. But I am determined that I will be, so instead of hiding and burying my head in the sand, I am putting myself out there and making a plan. I am ready to repair myself and get back to the lass who knows what she wants and goes for it. Who jumps out of bed at 5am, ready to take on the day and annoy anyone in her vicinity. Who has a genuine smile on her face, at least when the resting bitch face is not engaged.

So how do I intend to do this?

  • Exercise regularly! This is my Numero Uno form of keeping myself balanced. Yes, I accept I have been in (A LOT of) pain this year, but there are always alternatives, and although I also blame lack of motivation, it isn’t that. Or at least just that. I was simply to stuck up my own arse to be consistent!
  • Blog. I promised myself back in 2017 after the suicide attempt and when I started this new path of life, that no matter what, I would use my mental health and experiences for good. I would be honest, to help others feel less alone and to work to reduce the stigma around mental health struggles. Being honest about depression, anxiety or going through a rough period of life is never a reason to believe that you can’t do your job/look after your children/be a good friend etc. It is actually a strength!
  • Morning and evening routines. None of this aesthetic YouTube bullshit (which coincidentally I like to watch) to boost followers. A simple routine that I know helps me start and end the day in the most healthy way – for me! I think the lack of my routines has certainly been a catalyst in my fall, and if I reflect back, as my depression deepened, my routines became less and less. Vicious circle!
  • Allowing myself to just be. To not have to do ANYTHING. As I realise now I haven’t actually been doing anything of any benefit, I have just metaphorically been chasing my tail which has ended up with me burning myself out. Not even knowing how or what I have been doing to fill time, but feeling like sitting still and doing nothing is a bad thing. It never is!

Although I cringe at the whole It’s OK not to be OK, it really fucking is! And no, I’m currently not OK – but I will be!

God, it’s so good to be back! Thanks for reading and for supporting me in this chaos that is my life.

Forever grateful xx

I was scared…

Claire_Daff84Leave a comment

As a baby we are born with just two fears – the fear of falling, and loud noises.

Fear of falling is a survival instinct that helps prevent infants from harming themselves. When an infant feels a sudden loss of support, they display the Moro reflex, which involves spreading out their arms, bringing them in, and crying.

Fear of loud noises, when an infant hears a loud and unexpected noise, they generally experience an acoustic startle reflex and start crying.

But that is it. Just two fears.

Now for a quick exercise. Humour me on this, and grab a bit of paper or something where you can make notes. Close your eyes and take three deep breaths – in for 4, out for 6, and calm your mind. After this open your eyes and think about what fears have you had/have you got? Write them down now. No overthinking. Just whatever comes to mind. Words. Sentences. Whatever. It doesn’t have to make sense. Give this task no more than 5 minutes. 

Done? Great. Pop that to one side for now. 

For me, fears come in three life stages. Child, young adult and now.

As a child, and I mean a young child, I was genuinely, absolutely terrified of….The Hulk! Now I don’t mean modern day Hulk, with all the CGI shit and stuff. I mean the proper 80’s Hulk! If you don’t know who I am talking about, Google him! His green eyes and roar as he started to change had me running and hiding behind the sofa – no lie!

I was never scared of the dark, but that feeling where you feel you’re being absorbed into the dark, not sure if you know what I mean? When your eyes struggle to focus and the ceiling starts to swirl and it feels like the dark is sucking you in. That was freaky as shit

I was absolutely terrified of my mam getting hurt. I don’t recall ever actually seeing her get hit, but the sounds are something I still can hear in my mind today. The noises and shouting that had me creating visuals as it meant my imagination kicked in. Fear that this time would be the time that he killed her. Fear keeping me in my room with my brother in case we made the situation worse, but also fear of what we might see. I still remember the Police helping us leave the house that night, after he had left. Hopeful that now my Mam would be safe, even if we didn’t end up going home for quite a while. I for one am massively supportive of the laws that have changed around domestic violence. However, to be honest, I don’t know much has really changed. I sit in trainings and conferences and I hear stories so similar to my own, and it breaks my heart.

As a young adult I actually don’t recall fearing much at all. I simply didn’t give a flying fuck. I was numb. All the things I had experienced up to that point had left me with not much energy or care for myself. I drank, I started taking recreational drugs, I would put myself in risky positions time after time, like I was pushing my luck. Like I wanted something to happen to me. The weird thing for me looking back is I wasn’t actually suicidal at this point. I didn’t WANT to die. I just didn’t give a shit if I did, and I didn’t think anyone else would either. I had absolutely zero self esteem and my whole life in the public eye was a show. An act.

The ONLY thing I feared during this time was something happening to my daughter (my son came 9 years later). Despite not having a clue when it came to motherhood, not that I could say I had a clue now to be fair haha, but one thing I knew is I wanted a different life for my daughter. For my children. Ironic considering how I was treating myself. Self awareness really does change your life. I’m just sad that I had to go through what I did to learn this. Although it might sound strange to say I have no regrets. All the bad things were forming me as a person and the path I would end up on now.

Nowadays, I have actually become a bit of a fanny! Yes, I can still sit in the dark alone and watch horror films, Yes, I can still go for walks in the dark and mooch around places that people are often anxious about. But I am also scared of a whole bunch of things now!

  • bad things happening to my children. Standard fear as a parent I would say, but when the thought starts it really can consume you
  • Rollercoasters.
  • Flying. Although the need for holidays currently outweighs the fear.
  • Gimps. I’d say long story, but it’s not. Horrific. Who dresses up in head to toe latex?? Baffling
  • Moths/butterflies.
  • Dying. I’m not scared to actually die, but more scared of the what happens after. I can sometimes sink into really anxiety inducing thought holes worrying about it, as the logical side of my brain tries to give me answers to a question that can’t be answered
  • Being happy.

Being happy! Who is scared of being happy?? Yep, me!

Someone told me years ago in an argument that they believed I was scared of happiness. I would do anything and everything to destroy good things. At the time I was absolutely defiant. How dare they say that? I was absolutely livid!!!! 

But the reason I reacted so dramatic? It was so true! Yet it would take me years to actually realise/accept this. 

Most fears are learned through experience, such as from parents, siblings, friends, and TV. Some natural fears, like spiders, snakes, and the dark, are developed at a young age and influenced by our environment and culture. Fear is a basic emotion that can be both harmful and useful. It has kept the human species ahead of potential dangers such as predators, natural disasters, and hostile living conditions. 

So, how can anyone be scared of being happy? The answer for me was, it wasn’t something I could ever fathom. It had felt like all through my life happiness was tainted by trauma, disaster or me fucking up. And the feeling of losing happiness hurts like a motherfucker. For someone who tried to run away from her emotions and locked them in a box, now I am actually working through emotions and allowing myself to feel them, it can be really overwhelming! I’ve had enough pain to last a lifetime. I know that that sounds like a really pathetic, self pitying line, but I have. And it actually scares me that one more incident of loss/pain/trauma will actually be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I’m not sure if that is a common feeling for people who have attempted suicide, or had suicidal thoughts? That now I am not in that place, although it didn’t scare me at the time as I felt I was doing what needed to be done, I am terrified of feeling that way again, and the possibility that the next time will have a different outcome. I see happiness as the higher I rise, the further I could fall,

So yeah, happiness scares me shitless.

But I’m not ending on a note like that. Yes it does scare me. And yes I am still prone to acts of self sabotage, feelings of not being good enough and procrastination over fear of fucking something up. Yet happiness will forever be something to strive for for me.

Happiness is completely unique to an individual, and I don’t expect to be trotting through life with a smile glued on my face and everything being perfect. That is actually impossible! Happiness to me is being passionate about the job I do. Being surrounded by the people I love. Helping other people find themselves and their self worth. Making others laugh and smile. Not hating what I see in the mirror, Having adventures. Trying new things.

Being proud of myself.

I won’t let my fear hold me back. Not anymore. It’s better to have tried and failed than have regrets. Be scared, but do it anyway.

Now, pick that list back up and read it back. Can you identify where your fears come from? Are they holding you back? What one small change can you make that scares you, but that could move you one step closer to where you want to be?

Claire xx