I wrote this several years ago and it still resonates well. I don’t know why I can’t reduce the space between lines!

In This Way

I try to be the one you desire,

the woman you want and see in me.

When fear and hurt overcome my yearning

it’s all I can do to stay in your arms.

That’s when I need you to bring me back,

back to reality,

to the truth of your command,

the beauty of our love.

There is no other place for me except here,

wrapped in your arms,

held by the chains of our past

and the breathless promise of our future.

Nothing like starting the new year right with a butt plug, hard fucking, and a fine old-fashioned bare-bottom paddling. Smiles all around! I hope your celebration is just as rewarding.

Bronze statue of Belle in Amsterdam’s red light district. The plaque reads: “Respect all sex workers around the world.”

Sir, our daughter and I are on vacation in Miami. I’ve never visited this area before. South Beach (where our hotel is) is crowded and quite warm. Florida is usually busier and more crowded in winter when it’s high season, but it seems to be a “happening” place to me, with loads of tourists and heavy traffic. It’s also very hot and humid. I’m enjoying the classic Art Deco and Streamline Moderne architecture and the pastel colors of the buildings.

We had dinner at a very “hot” restaurant where many patrons were dressed quite glamorously. It was a huge place with several bars, and a night club upstairs. Partway through our meal a man and two women sat at the table next to us. The women looked very similar in appearance  and were dressed in skimpy revealing outfits.

Our daughter (an adult) overheard much of their conversation. Although this may not be true at all, it occurred to me the women could be escorts.  Based on their talk, it was apparent they weren’t related  to each other.

In most larger cities there is a vibrant sex industry. There are many types of sex workers: escorts (who may or may not actually have sex with clients), sexual surrogates who help psychologists assist people with problems related to having sex, professional dominants who provide various services for clients, erotic models and photographers, actors and directors of pornographic films, phone sex workers,  strippers, dancers and workers in “adult” or gentlemen’s clubs, and obviously prostitutes.

Most people have little regard for those who choose to work in the sex trade. In fact, a derogatory term for prostitute, “whore,” is one of the vilest things you can call a woman. Yet, there are millions of people who support this industry.  In most areas prostitution is illegal.

I find myself wondering about the mindset of sex workers. Do they have any amount of self-esteem, or is their work strictly a job? How is it possible to turn the most intimate act into just a job?

I’ve personally known both men and women whom I considered to be sexually promiscuous, however they still chose each and every person they had sex with. Sex workers (for the most part) don’t get to choose their partners.

I feel it takes a very strong person to do this kind of work. There are so many dangers inherent in the sex trade, such as psychological and physical abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, lack of job security, crooked employers, little to no benefits, risk of arrest, and (usually) poor living conditions. Bear in mind that many workers have a limited time span in the industry due to their age.

It’s said that this is the oldest industry in the world. Isn’t it way past time the nameless people who are paid for sex are treated with respect instead of disdain? It’s very possible the women next to us at dinner were simply friends of the gentleman they were with. Regardless of who they might be, I hope they had a fun, safe time together.

A blog-friend posted yesterday about her childhood. She’s in therapy and is opening up about her life more than the regular day-to-day happenings. I found her writing inspired me to think about my childhood again. I always thought we had a fairly normal family, growing up. But don’t kids think this? As I got older I realized things weren’t perfect, in fact far from it. My dad was a career military officer and we moved quite a bit. I was the youngest and only girl, and none of us were born in the same city. After I was born we still moved 5 times until Dad’s retirement; he then went on to a second career which thankfully did not involve us moving again.

My dad was a typical military guy. He was quite stoic and rarely showed emotion. He and my oldest brother did not get along at all, and he was emotionally and physically abusive to him. I was 10 years younger than my oldest brother and I still remember it. My dad also liked to drink. Every day. He was what they now call a functional alcoholic. I doubt his employer or colleagues knew. He and my mom were rarely openly affectionate and when he tried to hug or kiss her, I recall her usually rebuffing him because she hated how he smelled from the alcohol. They slept in separate rooms by the time I was in college.

I don’t recall my dad actually playing with me as a child often. Once or twice that I recall, but it must have been more, right? He was a great provider and very proud of his family and home. He loved working doing odd jobs around the house and yard. The only time I saw my dad cry was when my grandfather (his father-in-law) passed away. He adored my mom’s parents, maybe because he had a horribly dysfunctional childhood. I know in his way he did love us; he told me a few times – and also he mellowed a great deal when he was elderly. He loved spending time with all of us and his granddaughters. I guess I’m rationalizing trying to figure out writing how it really was for me as a little girl!

I was born with amblyopia. That is crossed eyes – and I had 3 surgeries by the time I was a toddler, to correct it. One became a lazy eye, and my eyes, while almost perfect, still had the appearance of not being quite right. This bothered me a great deal growing up and I had a terrible self-image. I was very shy and didn’t make friends easily. My favorite activities were staying inside and reading, or playing with my dolls. Between this and all the moving, I probably should have had some counseling; but back then this was considered a sign of weakness, especially by my father.

I remember when we moved from Virginia the summer after 2nd grade, I was so sad because I was best friends with the little girl next door. When we got to California we lived in an apartment for two years and again, I made friends with someone (she is still my dearest friend) and had to leave her behind when we moved 15 miles away and would no longer be going to the same school. Looking back now, I realize that for a somewhat “sensitive” child who already had been through some major life issues, these seemingly minor things were actually major emotional upheavals. Though I had some friends after that, I was never close in the way that best friends are or should be, and ended up dropping them or making excuses to not hang out. I was never socially active at school (I regret this now) and never joined clubs or groups.

In high school I did not date or attend any dances or the big proms. No one asked me, either. I was an excellent student and consistently on the Honor Roll. But why didn’t my parents, or at least my mother, see that something wasn’t quite right? One incident during this time stands out. I asked my parents if we could host a foreign exchange student for a year. In doing so, I would have gone the following year to stay with a host family somewhere exciting. At first they agreed. We had the in-home interview and were approved. Then my mom came and told me we just couldn’t do it. She said there was no way with my dad’s drinking, that it would be a good thing to have someone else in the house. I was stunned. And mad. And probably in some small way, I never forgave them for that.

Even after university when I got my first real job, I continued to live at home with my parents and didn’t even have a desire to move out, or go out dating. Looking back, I’m amazed I met my husband and we married. I was very immature and inexperienced – almost scared of getting out in the real world and living! Even though my best friend and I had traveled all throughout Europe, and I had a very demanding job, emotionally something in me was missing.

I will continue these thoughts more at a later date. Wishing everyone a warm and wonderful Christmas!

I haven’t posted in a very long time. Life had been rather uneventful, meaning nothing momentous to write about, until July. You might recall it was a year ago June we moved “home” to California after almost 20 years in Texas. It takes many months to really settle, finding all the best shopping, veterinarians, dentists, restaurants, etc. I’ve never been good at taking care of myself, so finding doctors was way on the back burner until I had a minor issue and was forced into locating a primary care physician. The issue required a referral to a specialist and some testing which was all normal. My new doctor also wanted me to have other routine tests which sadly had not been done in several (actually many) years. Mind you, my career when I worked was in an allied medical field and my husband is a physician too. I should know better.

Suffice it to say, I found out in August that I have breast cancer… for the second time. I had it 14 years ago and was considered “cured.” It was early stage back then and I had a lumpectomy plus chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Our daughter was very young then and we were living far from family – it was a rough time in my life.

Now I have two new tumors completely unrelated to my previous cancer, in my other breast. I also have three lymph nodes positive for cancer. Interestingly, the two tumors in my breast are different from one another. So this is not a recurrence but two new cancers. Life has gone from uneventful to crazy, stressful, and filled with testing and treatments and medical appointments. All of which I detest. It makes me feel weak and out of control. The doctors (both women) feel confident I can be cured so that is what I am thinking about and hoping for. There appears to be no spread elsewhere in my body, which is excellent news.

I already had two out of six hardcore chemo treatments. After those, I will have a double mastectomy, which I am actually looking forward to! I’ve always had big saggy heavy breasts and I should have had it done the first time I was diagnosed. For the first time I will be able to wear anything I want without looking big on top. I can go without a bra! So this will be something to look forward to. After I heal, I will probably have radiation on the affected side, followed by some of the chemo for up to a year.

I mentioned karma in the title to my post. That has to do with some bad decisions I made in the past – things which hurt my family very much and almost destroyed my marriage. I’ve prayed long and hard about the things I did and asked God and my loved ones for forgiveness. Yet, I’ve always struggled with the concept of karma. I’ve always thought that deep inside, I’m not a good person and someday I would be punished. Do you believe in karma?

I saw this, and as with nearly any kinky writing challenge, was intrigued to try my hand at it. Sorry for my tardiness! Thanks Nora for this great idea!

Sizzlin’ Saturdays Weekly Writing Prompt

1. What memory do you have, the one you re-visit and find yourself grinning to, of your earliest sensual experience?

What comes to mind is the incident when I was about 6 years old. An older male cousin had come to visit during school break. I was playing “house” with my best friend Mary in my bedroom, and my cousin came in. We decided he would be “Daddy” and he promptly decided we needed punishing. He took first my friend and then me over his knee, flipped our dresses up and spanked us. Mind you, my parents didn’t believe in spanking. It was the only time I was spanked as a child, and the feel of his hand on my rear was delightful. Some people believe children aren’t sexual until puberty. I know for a fact this is not true. My panties were damp and I’m sure my friend’s were too. We begged him to do it over and over.

1. What is the most common fantasy that plays out in your mind which brings you to orgasm?

I’ve always fantasized about sex with a much older man, particularly a man much bigger and stronger than me. I even have fantasies about incest (not with my real father) which I find incredibly stimulating and HOT. Yes, this can make me come!

1. What is one act, that unsolicited, you’d like your lover to do to you during sex?

I’d like him to talk to me and even call me dirty names. Tell me exactly what he’s going to do. For me, the “silent treatment” during sex doesn’t quite cut it, LOL.

This is a picture from my best friend’s wedding. She was married for the first time in December; a Christmas wedding. I was one of her bridesmaids (that is her sister shown, I’m standing further to the left.) It was a beautiful ceremony and reception, both held at the church she’s attended all her life and where she met her husband. It happens to be the church where we both also attended Girl Scout meetings for many years, and so even though I’m not Christian, it holds fond memories for me. It was bittersweet in many ways because I only recently moved back “home” after 20 years in another state, my father and her mother have since passed away (our families were very close friends), and the city has changed and modernized, yet is still very much as I remember it. Of course, she and her husband are so much in love that it renders me speechless and teary when I really stop to think about it, because everyone who knows my friend had basically given up hope she would meet the love of her life. It’s so wonderful to see her happier than I imagined she could be, and I wish them a long life of love and happiness. Which brings me, finally, to my point.

I’ve been thinking about my friend and watching her blossom in love the past year or so. As many of you know, I’ve not had the happiest marriage or relationship with my husband. I had doubts until I met him, that I would ever marry or have a child. Even as a young person I liked being alone or with my immediate family, never caring to socialize or date very much. It was always a huge effort to go out with guys and I never cared for parties, the bar or club scene, or meeting new people. I met my husband through a mutual friend and we seemed to hit it off immediately. But even going back to my early teens, I wrote poetry about not thinking I was lovable, or capable of giving love. That I was a prickly person and didn’t care for hugs, kisses etc. To be honest, I never have and still don’t!  I’m still happiest by myself.

Seeing my friend so happy and thinking about her being married now after living alone for most of her life has made me realize that maybe, just maybe, the reason I’m such a terrible submissive, why I can’t relinquish control, is because I basically hate myself and always have! I was born with an eye condition requiring three surgeries to correct; and even afterward, my eyes didn’t appear normal. I developed early and have always had large breasts which I hate. The rest of my body is normal sized, but because I’m so large on top, I always need a bigger size and thus appear heavier than I am. When I was in high school, I contemplated suicide and even cut myself for a period of time. I’ve always been filled with self-doubt and unable to readily, easily make a decision. I thought perhaps D/s would be an answer. That being able to give up my self-control to another (the man I’ve lived with and struggled with for so long) would open our relationship in a new, exciting and wonderful way.

Some of what we tried was new and exciting. I found I did enjoy being controlled sexually and learning new kinky things in the bedroom. I learned that pain is very liberating. However, I just can’t be all he desires of me and maybe I never have been and never will. I know he loves me and I love him. But I found the bonds of control even more confining than loneliness is. I did not feel liberated nor secure in submission. I chafed at everything he demanded or even asked. If anyone has any further insight, I am open to hear it.