Finding Time For Me
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” -Haruki Murakami
So I have utterly failed at this whole blogging thing. I come back, promise my readers to do a better job, and then I disappear all over again. The last few months have been busy. And extremely taxing, personally.
The good stuff. I am doing another Ragnar trail race this fail, and I have signed up to run another leg of the Burning River 100. I have Ragnar Chicago in June, and right now I am competing in the Crossfit Open. I am still busting my ass to slim down, and to find not only confidence, but self-acceptance.
Last year, I had an influx of new experiences, new events, and new friends. And like a rubberband which expands and contracts, some things have evolved from last year. I had to give up yoga, because I simply couldn’t balance all of my outside activities with work. Some of the friends I have met are gone, and some have moved closer into my inner circle.
I have gone back to coaching, and have accepted my first head coaching position in 7 years. I am now responsible for coaching 40 girls in lacrosse. Which means five days a week, I drive an hour from work to practice, and then a hour again home. I am burning the candle at both ends, and while there is a lot of joy in my life, there is still the underlying current of sadness. Some days it is still hard to shake the loneliness. To keep my head above water, financially, and find breathing room.
And personally, I have had to make my bed and lie in it. I recognize what a mistake it was not only to befriend Lacrosse Coach beyond our professional working relationship, but to sleep with him again after how badly he treated me initially. I was disposable and my feelings were never considered. And the worst part, is I knew it, and allowed it to happen. I brought him lunches, supported him, listened to him when he needed attention, and every step of the journey, I was considerate and friendly. I took the high road, no matter how much he lied or took me for granted.
And now he is back with the girl he cheated on with, and supposedly has told her the truth about the cheating. She knows about me, but whether she knows about all of the women he cheated on her with, I won’t ever know. But needless to say, I am definitely not only the uninvited third party but the bad guy in this. And it has affected me professionally, since she is employed at the school I was hired at in the fall to coach at. Thus, slamming the door of any possibility of me teaching there. And the worst part, is he had been with her for weeks and they were moving “forward” even though he hid the truth from me. Kept me on the hook, and pretended that she was someone else.
I only learned the truth when I confronted him. And it sucked, it has been a year, and I still cry over it, the lying and how I have been treated. He just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Am I not allowed to move on and be happy?”.
Tonight they are at the school gala, their tickets paid for by a sponsor. And Cinderella sits at home, and is wise enough to know villians only get what they deserve in fairy tales. Very rarely, do things work out the way we want. That maybe nice guys (gals) finish last. Even if it is very unfair. Even if I am the one who struggles to trust people. Who is still terrified of meeting someone who is yet another liar. Someone who also treats me like I am disposable.
I guess the good thing is that my friends, my family, and even my students, have faith in me. My friend Carolyn is still convinced the dream she had years ago of giving the toast at my wedding, means he is still out there. Or my students who claim that I am “so nice, that there must be some guy out there who sees that”. They have even gone so far as to start some dating profiles on my behalf, because they think Kevin Love is too soft for me. My Crossfit and runner friends who encourage me, support me, and let me cry after completing 17.3, without judging whether or not the tears were from the workout or the sadness I have been dragging around.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that when things get tough, the best way to get through it, is to find the little things. Grasp unto the pieces of happiness, and find gratitude in those things, until you reach your destination. I am a different person than I was when I started this blog, and I know as my personal storms rage, I am still changing. I am getting stronger and learning to let things go a little faster (although still not as quickly or as efficiently). I put the scale in the closet and proudly post before/after photos to Instagram.
I dance with friends after a cold race, drink beers with people who give me sweaty hugs after crying over a missed 95-lb snatch, and play peek-a-boo with my friend’s little girl.
I trying to find the “me” time. Trying to smile, laugh, and most importantly…believe.
Remember Why…
I was talking to a friend of mine from Crossfit yesterday, and I was airing my frustrations about the downward turn the end of the year has taken for me. Perhaps it is compounded by the holiday blues, but after coming out strong in 2016, I feel like my progress has slowed to a halt. I haven’t taken weight off in a couple of months, I am not progressing as well in my Crossfit workouts, my relationships with family and a few friends have stalled out, and no matter how much I try, I cannot seem to gain any speed beyond a 11:30/mile in my races.
That is when she suggested that I take some time to focus and reflect on the road I have traveled, and where I still need to go in the new year. She told me about her mental exercise with one of our Crossfit coaches, and encouraged me to try it as well.
So here I am with the 2016 coming to an end, and writing in my notebook.
The exercise goes like this…
You draw a perfect circle on a piece of paper, and create spokes on the circle turning it into a wheel. The amount of spokes represents the core values which are most important to you. She chose 6, and I was able to narrow mine down to 8: physical health, social health, financial comfort, mindfulness, forgiveness, happiness, love, and strength.
I then made 10 hash marks in each spoke to represent the scale to which I feel I have found fulfillment in my life according to these values. Some were high: strength and physical health. I have come so far physically than I was a year ago (Crossfit competitions, Ragnar trail races, etc.), and the strength I have shown on a physical and mental level proves I can survive struggles.
Others fell somewhere in the middle, I was happy with some of those things, but also knowing I could do better and go farther in the next year: social health, mindfulness, happiness, and forgiveness. My social calendar is busier than ever, but there are still periods of time where I struggle with being alone and finding contentment. I am always mindful of the people and things around me, going above and beyond at times for the happiness of others. Yet, I still struggle to be mindful of my own needs, I become deaf to my own internal clock which is buzzing and warning me that I need to take a step back. I am happier than I was this time last year, but still find myself struggling through moments and days of depression, where I still feel like a failure. And yes, I have forgiven, but I still find it difficult to let things and people go; to stop trying to control and change the people or things which are beyond my influence or grasp.
And then, there are other things, that I am failing miserably at: financial comfort and love. I live from paycheck to paycheck every month, and budgeting is my life’s Achilles heel. I never seem to get ahead. So much of it is due to reckless spending and a failure to look ahead financially.
And love, it isn’t just romantic love I have failed at, but more importantly, the unconditional love that I give myself. I still lack confidence while dealing with feelings of unworthiness as I constantly seek reassurance from others that I am worthy, loved, and needed.
So being a doer, I know that goals I want to achieve are never met if you don’t begin to focus on what needs to get done. Therefore, I started writing down what I thought were my strengths and weaknesses of character. Good or bad, these are things that lift me up, and hold me back as well. And while my weaknesses are continual roadblocks in my path, they are things that I do have power over. Because they are characteristics to which I can mold and adapt into strengths this year. And by interlacing them with my current strengths, I can continue to build towards my ultimate goal of seeking a lifetime of laughter and satisfaction.
In the end, I sat down and hashed out 5 goals which I can focus on for the new year:
- Start saving $50 a month by cutting out excessive expenses like happy hours, wasteful spending, and luxuries.
- Lose that “last” 30 pounds by refocusing on healthy eating habits and a balanced lifestyle of running, yoga, and Crossfit.
- Stop focusing on the numbers game at the gym, and instead focus on improving form and technique before lifting heavier weights.
- Take risks and ask for help. Whether it’s improving my gymnastic movements at the gym, or allowing myself to be vulnerable to a supportive group of friends who are willing to listen and provide helpful feedback.
- Focus on me more by being more of a “no” woman instead of the perpetual “yes” woman. That means saying no to toxic relationships romantic or otherwise, tasks which drain me of energy, or that one person at work who makes me feel invisible and ugly.
As I move into the new year, while the road ahead doesn’t necessarily get smoother, I am hoping it means I learn to better equip myself with the resources I need to help me conquer rougher terrain as well as gentle trails in 2017.
Enough
Enough. That is what I kept trying to tell myself tonight standing in a hot shower with even hotter tears running down my face.
You have worked hard enough.
You have been brave enough.
You have handled enough.
You are enough.
Enough.
It is just so hard, and of late, it has been more than enough, it has been too much. Too much pressure, too much stress, and too much heart ache. Some of it has come from others, most of it has come from me.
And yes, it is that time of year, where I struggle to remind myself that I have done enough and come far enough to be proud of my journey. And yet, as always, I never feel like I am good enough. That I have done enough.
I miss having some to talk to. Having someone who listens without judgement, and who understands that we all have those days, where it has become more than we can bear. That we need to break, to cry, to scream, and be allowed to feel pain without being told that we aren’t doing enough, trying enough, or wanting something enough.
I want some things too much: love, acceptance, and happiness.
However, I feel so much like a fuck up. A failure. A fool.
…That if you could acquire enough, accomplish enough, you’d never want to own or do another thing. That if you could eat or sleep enough, you’d never need more. That if enough people loved you, you’d stop needing love. -Chuck Palahniuk
But my life is my own, and how can I ever really grasp happiness, if I don’t remind myself that I am enough? I cannot bear disappointment, if I don’t learn how to pick myself up.
I have worked so hard these past 10 months, and I am frustrated right now. My progress at the gym has slowed, the pounds have crept back up, even though I remain active. I feel like I have hit a wall and I am not sure how to get out of the plateau. I have worked so hard, but a lot of times, I feel like no one sees it.
I still feel like the invisible fat girl waiting for the popular boy to open his eyes and recognize I have been standing there all along, just wanting to be noticed and loved.
I want to meet someone, but at the same time, I am tired of the effort. I am tired of having to work so hard, and feel so defeated, disgusted, and deflated. I am tired of the pressure from friends who think all I need to do is flirt, stick my chest out, or subject myself to disappointing dates on my road to the “one”.
I am tired of the well meaning, yet ignorant comments from friends, who want to be helpful, but forget that sometimes we just want to hear that we have done enough, that we are enough, and that we are allowed to have this moment.
I am tired of being told I am too much of this or too little of that. That I am trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Have I eaten this or not eaten that? Have I thought of this diet or read this book?
I just want someone to see the “me” behind the humor, the sarcasm, and the drive. To see the fragility that I carry in my heart at times. To see that I am working as hard as I can every day to be a better person. That some days, like today, we have all had enough.
I am tired. Tomorrow is a new day. And tomorrow, will be better, because I will dry my ears and lift my head up.
But today I have had enough.
The Heart
Gratitude
When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.
When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.
When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.
When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.
When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.
When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.
When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.
When times are tough, dare to be tougher.
When love hurts you, dare to love again.
When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.
When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.
When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.
When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.
When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.
When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.
Dare to be the best you can.
-Steve Maraboli
Gratitude means not only being thankful for the blessings you have, but giving thanks for the people and moments in your life. Having gratitude means embracing with joy the good times, but also having the ability to reflect and learn from those bad times. In other words, gratitude allows us to appreciate joy by learning to shoulder the frustrations, struggles, and challenges which are part of life. We will all have moments of happiness which are interlaced with moments of pain and sadness.
As December approaches and the holidays creep upon us, I find myself struggling with depression once again. The loneliness and solitude of yet another season of joy which often leaves me feeling frustrated, alone, and unsettled. While, I am not dealing with the problems of last year, I am certainly feeling the holiday blues.
I have become more isolated and alienated from a family which doesn’t quite “get” me, and who have stopped taking the time check in on me. I get it, we don’t have choices when it comes to our family, and yes, if they need me I will be there. But I have gotten tired of being the one to make the effort, or being the one who has to wave my hands frantically in front of their faces to say, “Hey, over here! I am lonely. I miss you. I wish you take an interest in my life!”
Instead, I have started to detach. To surround myself with friends who have become like family. To confide in the people around me who want me to smile, be happy, and to learn to say “no” a little more.
I am in a better place because of the people who have stayed. And yes, the ones who have left as well.
I am happier and healthier (despite the holiday blues) because I have people who get concerned when I don’t show up. I have people who invite me to brunches, parties, and who want to spend time with me. It feels good, and yes, less lonely to feel wanted and appreciated by people who make an active choice to have you in their life.
And I am trying really hard to be a better me.
I am trying so hard to learn to detach better, let go, and to simply stand up for myself more when it comes to men and the choices I make when it comes to the opposite gender. I have tried telling Lacrosse Coach how he makes me feel, and I was honest about what happened between us. I said my peace, and while he continues to show me through words and actions that my life, my feelings, and my presence are not welcomed or only wanted when he needs something. I continue to show kindness to him and others; yet, I need to be less present, less available, and less of a pushover.
It is so hard. It goes against the grain of personality. I spend too much time and energy on people who show me they are not deserving of me. And yet, those are the people who seem to hurt me the most. The people who still make me feel like this unwanted and unloved fat girl.
So for the month of December I am going to try and focus on having more gratitude. Showing patience to myself, beating myself up less for what I try so hard to change, and supporting the things that make me happy. Loving and showing care to the people who love me and have made me a part of their life.
And reminding myself that I have come so far in a year. Last year my life was crumbling to pieces. I felt and looked miserable.
And today, I found out that I was athlete of the month at my gym. I realized that people are watching and recognizing the hard work I have put into my life. And more importantly, they appreciate and support that effort. I don’t need to have validation in a relationship, I have gotten it from my Crossfit and running community.
Kristin,
You are Fairview Athlete of the Month!! You have been rocking and rolling this month, you totally deserve this recognition!! From taking care of your knees to help mitigate pain and injury to making the new people feel special and just overall fun when you are around, thank you for being you. Keep up the good work, and we will keep cheering you on!!
I need to be grateful for the time I have gotten to focus on me. I need to be grateful for these challenges, because they are making me stronger. I need to be grateful for the people who are present and respect the decisions of the ones who are not.
What are some of the people, moments, and things in your life that you need to practice more gratitude towards as we get into the holidays?
The Fork in the Road
“Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far. It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere – on water and land.”
-Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass
As the year comes to a close, I feel like I am staring at a fork in the road. Change is in the wind, with the colder Canadian air which signals the beginning of winter, I feel as though the weather vane of my soul is turning towards another direction. I am not sure if I should be anxious, excited, scared, or nervous. I feel like this time I am ready for the future. That I am finally strong enough to face what is ever up the road ahead for me.
So many things have changed for me since this time last year. I have met some incredible people through running and Crossfit. I have completed approximately 3 half-marathon distances with Burning River, Ragnar Relay, and River Run Half Marathon. I am getting ready for my first Crossfit competition, and today I finally made it half way up the rope.
And while I have stumbled again (Lacrosse Coach), I feel as though I am ready to stop caring so much. I have become so disinterested in dating, and the prospects which are available to me, that I no longer feel so anxious at the fact that my inbox remains empty. I gather my cats together and watch Jane Austen movies during cold nights, or I text a friend or two for a night out. I no longer feel so lonely. Perhaps, it is because I have the choice now to be with others or by myself.
I don’t feel like such a miserable failure in life…and yes, love.
And tomorrow, I am going to wear that red dress again. The one I bought and wore for the Republican. However, tomorrow I am wearing it for me.
Just because.
I am standing at another fork, and this time I am ready to be seen.
Race Report: Ragnar Buckeye Country
On September 30th through October 1st, I traveled to Dillon State Park in southern Ohio to participate in the Ragnar Trail Series race. The race covered approximately 120 miles on rolling hills with technical elements in the hardwood mixed forests of a beautiful state park.
While we had planned for the race for months, the last few weeks leading up to the race was chaotic. We had one teammate who dropped out due to injury who changed her mind last minute to run (and who was a pain in the ass the entire weekend), and another teammate who couldn’t come last minute due to work. Thankfully we had found a replacement (my friend Vanessa) for our first teammate, and she just took the place of our second teammate to fill our missing spot. Thus, the role of “team captain” fell to me.
I would strongly suggest not being named team captain on a team (of women) where you are only familiar with the personalities of a few of the group members. While everyone was great, especially given the drizzling rain and perpetual wetness which lasted throughout the weekend, a couple of our teammates put dampers on the event. Between a lack of mental and physical preparation by one of our teammates (who also drove everyone crazy with her “know it all” attitude and constant compliments of being sore, tired, or all of the above), and our second teammate who decided to join us a few hours before her first leg and spent the whole race in her tent when she wasn’t running, I wanted to hurt a few people. I probably slept a total of 30 minutes in 48 hours, and found myself physically and mentally drained by the end of the race (where I was running anchor leg).
I would also suggest in an endurance team race, making sure to assign legs based on pacing rather than preference. Due to some strong personalities (our complainers), preference was selected over pace and some runners spent more time waiting around than others. You also should make sure that everyone is willing to be a team player. We definitely had a few people who went above and beyond expectations (fetching food, dry clothes for people, and being personal alarm clocks), while others were a disappointment or were in it for themselves (our slowest runner was more focused on winning the photo contest than getting to the finish line faster).
The Ragnar trail race is set up on loops around Ragnar Village with a red loop (longest and most difficult), yellow loop (medium length and moderate difficult), and green loop (shortest and easiest trail). Each runner would run each loop once while wearing wristbands to designate which trail they were on, with the order of the loops going green, yellow, and red. Thus, the first runner ran the green loop, the second would run the yellow, and the third would run the red. And then the order would repeat again with the next runners. Thus my loop orders was: yellow, green, and red. I ran both the yellow and green loops at twilight and sunrise.
The trails themselves were marked very well, and volunteers helped to direct runners at points where loops diverged from one another. For me the trickest part was the middle of the yellow loop with the darkness, the rain, and a path filled with moss covered boulders.
Because of our slower pace, we were informed by race directors that our last legs would be run together in pairs on the second day, thus I ran my longest and hardest loop just a few hours after my second loop, and with no sleep. Looking back, I wish the race directors would have let us know that this would have been a possibility when we had our safety meeting before the start of the race.
I loved the community festival of the race, and the Ragnar Village (about 800 people and 500 tents) was cool to see with race participants cheering runners on at all hours of the day and night. I also loved the teams which ran with costumes and themes (Trailer Park Girls, Here for the Booty, Stragnar Things, etc).
And because if you have ever done a trail race, you know that anything is possible, I found out that you have to be careful on the trail for more than just slippery rocks and mud. One of the runners literally was run over by a large male buck on the trail at night. He limped in relatively unharmed to the finish, but was covered in mud with quite a tale to tell.
Would I do Ragnar again? Absolutely, but with perhaps with friends who I knew well, and who didn’t falter with a little bit of rain and camping. Trail racing is mentally tough, but add in rain, little sleep, and camping in mud, and you find out that not everyone is meant to be a hardcore trail runner.
Searching For Treasure
“…When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.” -Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I had intended to take a break from blogging to refocus, after my experiences in San Francisco. I just hadn’t intended to take this long of a break. Hopefully, you are still with me, and have been patiently awaiting for my return. If not, I hope you come back some day.
As the holiday season approaches and 2016 comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on where I was last year, and where I am now. 2015 ended with sorrow, heart break, and a downward spiral into dark depression. I would spend the first part of the year scrambling out of a hole, and trying to grasp onto any sliver of happiness I could muster.
And now, with the year ending, I find myself in a happier and more content place. I have made new friends, found a hobby which I love, and transformed myself into a stronger, healthier me. I am not anywhere close to my journey’s end. I have a lot of good days, despite a few days of sadness here and there. I go through weeks where I love my life, as single as I might be. And then there are nights like these, when the wind is blowing and my toes freeze on hardwood floors, where I wish I had someone’s warm hands to touch.
A lot has happened in the weeks since I last posted. I completed my first endurance team trail race, completing 120 miles with 7 women while camping for two days in the wetness and rain of Southern Ohio. I found myself community, and recognized that my body could do things that I would have never imagined doing a year ago.
I have also signed up for my first Crossfit competition on December 4th called the Reindeer Games where I will be competing with 5 friends from my gym on a team named “MajesticAF”. I am nervous, a little scared, but excited to see what I can do in a real competition setting where all eyes will be on me (and my teammates).
And yes, I am still looking for love. Hoping for love. Wishing I knew the right path to take. And yes, I still make mistakes.
I am now working with Lacrosse Coach at my new school, and gave in to old temptations and his lies. (He was the guy I met on Tinder, liked a lot and hooked up with, before finding out he was a serial cheater and had a girlfriend. The kids hate him, he is a jerk to co-workers, staff members, and students alike, and he walks around the place acting like he is better than everyone else because he is a coach.)
I let my healthier body and my new confidence be overridden by the internal thought process of never being good enough. And I let him convince me to sleep with him again. And now I am facing the consequences of my poor choices, as he once again shows me that he was never worth my time, my attention, or my friendship. I knew better, and I deserve better. And yet once again, I am the one who feels bad, who was made to feel like he “did me a favor”.
But we all make mistakes of the heart, especially when we want something so badly that it hurts sometimes. As much as I love the direction my life has taken, I still long for love and companionship. I just need to stop seeking it out in the wrong places. The literal ten minutes of attention he gave me (and he definitely got more out of than me), was not worth the heart ache and frustration it brings later. Or the glaring looks he now gives me in the hallway when I say “hello”.
I have 30 more pounds to lose to reach my goal, and I hope to reach that by my one year anniversary of Crossfit. I need to refocus on me, and push myself harder to succeed.
And with my Crossfit competition, and my 5-mile race on Thanksgiving, I got enough on my plate right now. I think it is enough for now.
What are your goals as the year draws to a close?
A Woman’s Shoes
I think you can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of shoes she wears.
Be proud of who you are.
Embrace each moment. Every day.
Seeking a Life Full of Laughter 