WHAT MADNESS (now for real!)

I miss you soooooooooooooooo much.

But please do not ask me what I was looking for……………………… that Victoria Beckham never actually sang solo while she was with the Spice Girls, she was always singing the chorus or whatever they call that part where all the girls sang.

My friends, I said do NOT ask me what I was looking for when I made this discovery.

I will be back.

Am I too old to go for an Usher concert? I am eye-ing a ticket. But I think I would rather hear Usher sing “you make me wanna”  and may not exactly be able move to “daddy’s home”.  Infact, I think at my age if I sang “coz daddy’s home”- it would be a different  kind of daddy I would be referring to. Then again, I think that is the daddy ,Usher is singing about. Maybe I should go.

Back to Naija. So she of Naija origin took us all to Nja -we de chop rice abi!!!!! The groom is from Ghana so we had a big delegation of them people with us. What stood out big time for me was just how humble the guys seemed to be. Well as it turns out the groomsmen (is that what you call the equivalent of bridesmaids) were all from Ghana but one. The guys were so so so so humble. Have I said they were humble. They were perfect gentlemen not that the perfect gentleman should be humble.  Take my word for it- they are humble. See I had met she of Naija’s fiance obviously and even then I have always said, “man, he is so gentle. His name means God is with us. and He really is.”Even when he is angry he is gentle about it. To the point where I told she of Naija origin, this one when you are angry with him go bang your head on your garden fence but raising your voice at this one, only for him to respond with a hug-  you have lost before you started.

So when I then met his family, I was like okay maybe it is in the genes. Then I met the bestman- a 40-year-old man who looks no older than 28!!!! I was so annoyed. I had to ask him how he managed to look so young. I can not publish his answer.But he was another gentleman.

The other Ghanaian dudes on the train were just the same even after alcohol had taken over their thinking. It was pleasant company. But as always there is one clown. And clown he did.

Back to the wedding:

Nigerians have an engagement party the day before the wedding and both the bride and her bridesmaids and the men change outfits twice. Well the guys kind of have to coz they have to match the girls outfit. That thing Nigerians tie on their head is not a joke. First day I had a headache the whole time I stopped dancing so to forget the pain I danced and that was not hard. As you spend the whole evening dancing round the bride as you get showered with money. Boy oh boy , do Nigerians shower with money. You know when we were kids and you would dance at parties and sometimes that aunt or uncle would give you money. Let me put it this way, Nigerians just power money on you, and no you do not have to be doing a head spin for the money to be poured on you. Just stand on the dance floor! And yes, it is yours to take BUT take note, you also in turn have to shower someone else with money. So it is a recycling plant if you like. The maid of honour walks around with a bag, no, not a handbag that would not be big enough, one big enough to hold ALOT of cash because the bride will shower her bridesmaids with money, the people who dance for her will be showered, the MC, her mum, her dad, her sister. her brother. If you go to a Naija wedding and walk away penniless you did not go to the wedding. THERE IS NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t even get me started on the food. By the end of my visit we had nick-named the home of she of Naija origin’s parents , the hospice for animals. Where animals came to die.

The guy from Poland watched them slaughter a cow and he was traumatised.So the same evening when they brough a goat and he then asked “this goat is a pet, yes?” and the groom answered “yes, it is a natural lawnmower”, we all had to walk away, lest we started laughing. Because sure enough dinner was chilly goat meat.

I am both emotionally and physically drained, in a very good sense of the word.Emotionlly drained in that I think I reached the peak of just how happy I should be allowed to get this year. Yes, there is room for more so do not feel deprived of getting me a new pair of shoes. Speaking of shoes…………….thanks to she of Naija origin I think I now own shoes in every color known to man (not necessarily woman!).

Physically drained because well she of Naija origin walked down the aisle last weekend. And let me say this, Nigerians do not play when it comes to partying. They take everything seriously. When I say I danced for two days almost non-stop, I am not lying. By day three my knees just decided to remain in the “mpaka chini” position.

I went to Nigeria. No wait. I survived Nigeria.  When he of “many years” told me  a while back that Nigeria is like New York without the infrastructure.I did not get it. People, I get it now. I got it last week. If you think you have seen chaos………….you have not seen chaos until you have walked through Murtala Mohammed Airport in Lagos. Do you know how many times I had to ask my travelling companions , “no, seriously is this  an international airport. As in is this their JKIA, ENTEBBE  and even  Mwalimu Julius Nyerere airport? Is this DA BUSINESS”  And I have walked through the airport in Dar a couple of times but Murtala Mohammed, broke me. BROKE ME!!! That was my reception!

Actually my experience on the flight there should have prepared me. Nigerians are NOT shouting, that is just how they talk. Loud is the normal/default setting . This was a the first flight I have sat on where I never heard the air stewards clearly over the intercom thing. No it was not spoilt, it was the level of noise that she was competing with!!!! And by the way all that “ladies and gentlemen the fasten your seat belt sign is on so no more going to the toilet as we are preparing to take-off/land  maneno does not cut it for these people. This lady told the air steward – “madam, I am pressed.Abi” It took two air stewards to send the woman to her chair and then she sat on the arm rest!!!!!!!!

What exactly does the price you pay for your air ticket entitle you to? I finally found the answer on a Virgin Atlantic flight to Lagos!!! Now you know how you recline your chair and it kind of gets into the space of whoever is sitting behind you. Well, this guy reclined his chair and the guy behind him told him, when I say “told him”, I mean shouted out, “I beg, I paid for this space you go bring your back in my space.” I was many rows ahead of where this “conversation” was taking place but I heard LOUD AND CLEAR.  Again two air stewards went to make peace. By this time I had concluded that on Virgin Atlantic the stewards are advised to move in pairs!!!!! I also came to the conclusion that that is where the stewards were sent for punishment. Virgin Atlantic into Lagos was their naughty corner!

Have I told you about the inflight entertainment? Well, all round Virgin Atlantic and Emirates have never let me down when it comes to in-flight entertainment.So I never have to pull out my iPod, carry a book. The movies are always good and up to date. What I was not prepared for was for two Nollywood movies to be part of the selection. I was like “how cool”, maybe when Virgin Atlantic starts doing the London- Entebbe route we will get “obavu musulo” as in-flight entertainment! A girl can hope!!!!!

 Traffic in Lagos…………………………………………………………………when I say indescribable.  One of the guys who we travelled with was Polish and after about four hours on Naija roads he asked “so how does comprehensive insurance work in Nigeria”. We could not stop laughing and his answer lay therein the laughter.

We landed in Nigeria. I will post about my Nigerian wedding experience but my next post is going to be on Ghanaian men. Possibly the humblest guys  have met or maybe it was just the ones in the wedding party!!!!!!!

Can you believe I typed out blogspot first  then remembered it was wordpress, that was my last home.

I am shocked I remembered the passwords. Speaking of passwords, what is it with needing passwords for just about everything these days? Or is that just in my world? I am about to get a password for my passwords! No, I am incapable of having just one password. You know for security and all that. So I have four passwords that I keep recycling , adding numbers to, letters, funny symbols and then I end up confusing myself. And then you have those places which have no mercy on forgetful minds. You know the ones, which start to threaten you after you have entered the wrong password the first time, ati YOU HAVE TWO MORE ATTEMPTS LEFT!!!!! Hala, I was NOT “attempting”, I was actually thinking that I am entering correct password.  Anyway so you get first warning and so you are like “oh must be the CAPS LOCK thing”, so you un-do that. Try again, and now major general of the passwords assures you that unless you get your act together,you are about to get locked out. And that my friends is when I get sweaty palms, I start calling on the Heavens above to defeat the hells below (ever wondered why Heaven can be Heavens but hell remains hell! Do you think that maybe in Heaven they will be many people  and therefore Heavens and hell, oh well who cares!!!!

Have I said I miss blogging. Well, I do  and I also know that I am going to have to go ahead and continue missing it.Even when on holiday.

And I see while I was away Mr.Stone went on a hiatus, who allowed you? Or have you moved camps? Please can I have the address to the new camp. I come bearing soup!

Valentia-about those passwords I was talking about. I came by to say hi and the site told me in black and white, to be on my bike!!!! The answer lies in the grey area!

Where haven’t I  been would be a shorter list. I cried at the loss of innocence, I cried because I watched a mother walk away and leave her son behind. Not because she did not love him but because he was lying in his grave, she could not take him home again. I prayed for the little boy’s murderers to be suffocated in plastic bags the way they did the baby boy, I prayed for their legs to be soaked in acid. I cried because I watched a friend realize all her dreams  in two weeks, I cried because she looked so beautiful when she walked down the aisle, I cried because I discovered love’s  little ways of teaching me everyday that God is truly faithful, I cried because I finally knew that this was the last time I would be crying because I was leaving home. I cried because I can not leave home again….not like this , not anymore. I cried because that is what I do when the one who is strong for me is strong for me. I cried because I finally realized that  yes, you do make me want to me a better person.Not because of what you say to me but because of who you are.

I cried alot in the last two months- mostly for very beautiful things but sadly also for the loss of life.

I am not sure how much longer I can go on talking about weddings, seems to be a topic that has to be covered everyday. I am all wedding-ed out!!!!! Loving it though.

This week I had to go to the Nigerian Embassy to get a visa. Let me put it this way,when the person who coined the phrase “you can take person out of the village but not the village out of the person”- that person was standing inside the Nigerian embassy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mamamamama, nothing could have prepared me!!!!! Infact Kampala’s old taxi park has nothing on this place, Kariakor stand aside. This place is in a league of its own!!!!! A story for another day. I did not get the visa, apparently I have two find two references from Nigeria!!!!! I almost told the woman, “look I beg O, what are the chances   I want to immigrant to your country OOOOO, I am coming to do my business there and getting out. Make we go.” But I thought this madam is going to stamp “REJECTED”  in my clean passport and I am not sure how I would ever live down the fact that I had been denied a visa to Nigeria (yes, of all places!).So I smiled at the wahala and off I went to find my two references in Nigeria. ( I thought about emailing P-square- sii those are two references.If only I knew them.)So I called she of Naija decent and asked her to hook me up. She laughed and asked me why I didn’t hand over monie-quick-fast, they go give me visa now now!!!!!!!!!! YES, now you know why the village followed the person all the way to the Nigerian Embassy. Well, I have an appointment and I use that word loosely back at the same embassy next Tuesday. They go find we there!!!!

Hope life is treating you all very kind. I really do miss blogging but my life has kind of been usurped so to speak.

Letter to my 13 old self:”it is okay to wear jeans and trousers. You will not go to hell for it.You will get to see and talk to Nate from Boyz IIMen, you will suffer loss like no other, you will learn to love unconditionally,you will learn to love another, you will be  a fighter, you will laugh,you will cry, it will all pass. But the friend you made at the age of 13, she will walk your road with you she will know you like a mother knows her daughter. She will fight when you can’t fight anymore and she will have all the talks that you should have had with your mother. She will be a year older than you but by God she will come through for you like no other. You will hurt and you will be hurt. But best of all you will see the wonders of God in your life.It is okay to wear jeans and at 31 you can start wearing make-up. Again you will not go to hell for it. At least I hope not.”

Haaya, time to say goodbye!!!!!

p.s. did you know the song “Nightshift” is about dead people? Only found this out recently.What did I think it was about? Well, I thought it was about someone cheating on their hubby/wife. You know the line where he sings ” I know you are not alone on the night shift!!! (I rest my case. So in head I worked out that this was a nurse who worked shifts and so the hubby was singing how he knows she is not alone on the night shift!!! Get it!!!!!) Anyway he of many years can not stop laughing at me now!!!!!!

Stay blessed.

Anyone else notice this week how all over UK news they kept reporting how British forces were about to attack the Afghan forces. They made this announcement days before they actually went in. At which point I thought to myself “just how stupid are these people?” Who announces to the enemy atii “we are on the way”. Kwani now we give the opposition a heads up? Apparently we do , either that or the Afghan military do not watch the news. Yes, attack they did and were successful too or so “they” say.

This may well be the first written post I have done this year and I can not promise there is another one on it’s way. Well not this half of the year. What have I been up to? Or more like what has been up to me? Let’s see, the next person who uses the words “3TOC, in my honest opinion you should consider….” is getting a slipper to their nyash. There is an honest opinion, a very honest opinion and just a plain opinion?  What is the difference?

I went to watch Avator, I know -very old news but my point being I watched it  when I normally would be dragged screaming and shouting into a SCI-FI film and then to be handed glasses atii now we are doing this in 3-D and for me to actually like the movie…. I was ashamed. But I liked it. However I almost slapped a Spanish friend of mine this weekend after he suggested that the people in Avator  has accents like me. By “people” I mean the “people”.

Dare I tell you about The book of Eli. What can I say? I blame Denzel’s wife. Wait for it……….. I bet you any money (shilling,dollars, pounds, euros etc, etc) his wife told him he is not allowed to act as a husband,boyfriend etc etc anymore, from now on he’s got to be the guy who is a little bit crazy. Why? That is what you get for cheating on your wife my friend. Now we are stuck with seeing you in films like the Book of Eli. I would say it is an interesting film, the way parents look at a project that their child has done and are thinking “this is how my money was wasted” but they can not say that because well you break the child’s spirit so they say ” oh how interesting” while in their minds they are thinking ” I need to get this child extra classes or change the school”. So yes, Book of Eli was interesting because I am not about to bad-mouth my man, Denzel. And I watched Book of Eli twice……………….it’s a long story. I had promised someone I would go with him to see it but he seemed to be taking his time  planning that trip, I called up my Naija buddy and together we went to see it. She cursed me coz the film was “that good” and exactly a week later, dude was like “let’s go”……..I was not laughing because I would be laughing at myself. What is it they say ?Patience is a virtue. So I could not say I had already seen it, I went. Bought popcorn like my life depended on it and yes, I was asked how I knew which parts to look away. I had to come clean. It was DENZEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can not keep a girl waiting. Having said that I understood it better second time round.

In other news, I am officially not talking about weddings anymore. I dream in weddings, I am about to eat weddings.The question is either- when, where or what or will you make it to, can you do this. Is it the age? I was under the impression that most of my friends had walked up that aisle in the early 20s and I was kind of late by design, not quite. It would seem I need more than my fair share of hats this year. Loving it, loving it, loving it.

In other other other news……………… I am madly in love, I knew that because to be in love is to be mad in the first place. Sadly in love………….because one human being should not have  such control,yes,I finally understand why it is called falling in love. N0-one wants to willingly tumble like that. I am guessing that is the sad bit. Deeply in love………how do I know?Because this week I pulled without intending to the ultimate damsel in distress move, it’s funny NOW. He of very many years had a hospital appointment this week, lets just say that the night before sleep eluded me , I spent the night dreaming of the things that could go wrong,I did not sleep and sure enough when morning broke wait before morning broke, I called the one who this heart has decided to beat for forever and ever, and broke down (I would laugh if it wasn’t happening to me) but I was genuinely scared and I meant every word and there I was letting him know he can never fall sick on me again EVER not when I am not there. This business of going into hospital from far away my heart can not take. Let me just say I do not think he has ever needed to reassure someone the way he did that morning.You would be forgiven for thinking I had never attended a medical class. But later on that day when I reflected on the morning events I accepted and so did the rest of my girls (okay all two of them!) that I was officially DEEPLY in love. To love another- maybe but to love another like I have loved he of many years, like I love he of many years – it is not possible. I have let go kabisa, will he hurt me?Of course such is life, will he disappoint? He is human. But he is not the one I would rather live my life with, he is the one I CAN NOT live my life without ata kama nini. This is it.

Happy valentine’s whatever the weather.

It’s a couple of weeks to my birthday and I am all packed………………………………CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My prayer, 

My anthem,

May I honour God in this,

May I honour my parents,

May I honour you in this,

May my spirit be teachable for the rest of this life. Loving the journey.

Life got busy but you are forever remembered.How I wish you were here to share these experiences right now. You are missed so much.

Boyz II Men that is…….what did you think was here. So I guess November came  and is about to go. It has been one great month.

2009 …how will we remember you? You gave us President Obama and took MJ.

Yes, I bought the new BOYZIIMEN CD and loving it although the songs are all covers…….I am loving it.Now let the stalking begin. How many concerts are we going to? Well how many concerts are they having. Let the party begin.

I am loved up and then some. Yes, I know with time everything will get into a routine, with time every day will seem the same…………………..but for now, I wake up not knowing what that day holds.And I am liking it with all the uncertainty of what tomorrow holds one thing remains true……………………here I stay.Here we stay. I am off to the land where camels are of great value and the Nine West shop in one Dubai mall has my name written all over it.Did I say I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to walk down places I have no idea about but have someone explaining the place to me, I can’t wait to sit down  and talk in what I think is a fabulous place in the desert. And then we both take the same ride home for what might be quite a difficult day for me .Remembering a loved one gone.

Have I told you I am counting down the days. I have done all my christmas shopping. Yes, you heard me. I thought I will get in and out of  the shops before the queues becoming miles long. So next week, I will wrap the presents, week after I will deliver as I do not have reindeer to help me. And then, and then, and then………………….I pay homage to Emirates.

• Okay now people tell me this-why do people say
• “The honest truth” ………..is there any other truth?
• “I am not being rude or anything.”- who is the judge of rudeness the one doing the speaking or the one being spoken to? Who judges?

And in Whitney Houston’s words……………………it is WORTH IT.

Or do we just have too much time on our hands? No, seriously have we lost the plot. Did we ever have it?

Wait let me tell you what important thing I did after I left work today. I bought my Christmas dress.Now if you think Sunday-best ended back in the day, guess again. Okay you are right but this year, I had to wait I have to make this Christmas one for the books. What is it they say- one for the road. Na kweli it is for the road. I have tried the dress on with shoes I have been dying to give a wife (the dress) and danced infront of the mirror. Now I await Christmas day itself. Yes, and now is the good time to tell you all that in my car I am proudly playing Mariah Carey’s Christmas album. What can I say? I better get to see Christmas.

And this has nothing to do with losing the plot. Now onto that bit;

I am abit confused by this life we live these days. Is it that we know more  and therefore care more? Are we better off i.e wealthier and therefore able to do more with “our” money? Or have we run out of stuff to fit into 24 hours that we are now doing things I would classify under ” stupid”. Or is it that the world is so populated  that we now create jobs that seem weird to the naked eye. I am just asking.

And here is why;

1. Mbu (that ) butchers in this country will soon be visited by DNA inspectors. Now if you are thinking these inspectors are there to arrest wayward men guess again. These inspectors are going to carry out DNA tests on the meat  being sold. Their objective is to find out whether the now deceased animal was poached. So for all those Africans errrrrrrrrr people of color who go in search of mbuzi (there is no way I am writing that word in English!) be ware.Lest some inspector assures you as you are about to walk out of the butcher with Sunday nyama choma that ” there is no way in this globally warmed, politically too correct world  you are taking Timmy home.”Utado?Anywho, yes, they are going to carry out DNA tests. So next time you go to buy tilapia from the shop in the hood, sii you ask if it passed the DNA test.
2. What exactly is racism? I ask this because on the Jeremy Vine show today (yes, I am a BBC radio 2 die-hard), they were discussing how schools are having to report to the council children who use racist language.Now, yes, I agree children here  can be a nightmare so to an extent this may be a good thing.But here is where  my questions arise- when a child calls his friend a “chocolate bar”, kweli does that count as racism? Chocolate bar? You know what- call me chocolate bar anyday. Okay wait I guess it depends on the person’s tone of voice. Wait, shout “chocolate bar” at me at any octave and I still feel nothing.But this kid got reported to the authorities. Another child called his friend “white trash”- well he got sent down too. But here is the thing, should the parents of these children be the ones taking responsibility? Yes, I know that stronger words have been used on the playground but what is the job of the teachers ?To report this children to the authorities- the council, who then register these children on the offenders list and THEN WHAT?

So have we lost the plot just yet?

In other news totally unrelated- November draws neigh and with it, the new BOYIIMEN CD, hello!!!!! I miss my Nate.