Today’s Counseling….

•January 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I knew I was going to “get it” when I went to counseling today.  I was supposed to write a letter to two young ladies that I had just found out were possibly molested.

I tried to sit all week and write this letter.  I would start then throw away what I had put down.  I struggled with this until yesterday evening when I realized why it was so difficult.

I knew that when I wrote this it would be filled with compassion.  It is no different then when I am counseling and speaking with other’s who have grown up under sexual abuse, physical abuse and any other abuse so many have faced as children.

The problem is….I cannot seem to find that same compassion that I give to others, for myself. I was hesitant to have my words thrown back at me. She told me that wasn’t the object for the letter but it was a good point.

There was one statement she zeroed in on that surprised me.  I thought it was just a simple thought. Apparently it packed a whallop.

I said something along the line of not allowing the issues to control her. Don’t allow the emotional pain to control her eating.  Don’t allow the verbal abuse and the other abuse to be the one in control.  Find a way to be the one in control. (She is 12, 5’7″ and weighs 260 lbs all ready.) Don’t allow the food to control.

She looked at me and asked me how old I thought I was when I realized the only way I could have power over the abuse was to find something that I could control. The only thing I could control was how I reacted to what was being done to me. I refused to cry.  I refused to acknowledge the reactions of my body.  There was not alot that I could control but there were somethings.

My way of controlling the abuse I went through as a child was in denying the abusers the reactions they wanted and expected. I had to sit there and think of what age I was…My earliest memory of when I refused to them the satisfaction of seeing me hurt was between 4 and 6 years of age. She told me that there are adults today who have never learned that concept.

She explained how this controller in me is a type of ego state. We all have them. They just tend to more pronounced in survivors of trauma.

It explains so much.  My need to micro manage everything. My need to be in total control of how I feel. How I react.

She said the controller ego state (This is not an mpd situation.  I am clearly not MPD. Which is a miracle according to the counselor) is what saved me emotionally, saved my sanity. I am beginning to understand some of this now.

It is interesting to see how we develop and the way we get stunted at certain stages of development.

I became an adult with adult responsibilities at around the age of five.  I missed out on so many developmental stages that it explains why I am the way I am.

God has opened my eyes to so many things this week. The biggest hurdle dealt with my husband. All I could see were the daily mistakes and screw ups. I would dwell on this and think in the back of my mind that he must be thinking about it.  It was hindering my intimacy with him. We( counselor) discussed me giving control or loosening control of this situation once in a while. So I did.

Posted in Beginning

Tough times…

•December 10, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Holidays have never been easy for me. I tell myself every year I am doing this for my children.  Old memories haunt me.  I try to keep them at bay and only focus on the good times I have had with my children.

Even they are overshadowed by memories of other family members. In my case it was the In-Laws.  Nothing says Christmas like spending it with people who hate you.

People who like to remind you that you ruined their lives and cause them constant pain and sorrow. I figured that out today.  Not that they hate me. The effect they have had in creeping into my holiday memories.

I spoke to my mother today.  She filled me in on the ruined lives of my brothers and nephew. It made me so sad. There were some other things that she shared with me that made me think about all the Christmases from the past. The times spent with my brothers and how much we have to distance outselves from each other.

My mind wandered to when my children will be adults.  Will they want me to be a part of their lives?

I blamed myself for so much.  I can’t even see what I don’t have to blame myself for anymore. The kids make a mess and my husband gets upset? I blame myself.  It had to be something that I must have missed in their education and training.

It’s not rational thinking. There is a part of me that recognizes that I am not the reason to blame…sometimes.

I sit here trying to justify that my kids and husband are better off with me than with out me.  I have to have a mental conversation convincing mysef that their lives are complete with me being here. I don’t see it.

All I can see is the havoc and chaos.

I feel like I am slowly dying inside. It has gotten a nasty grip on me and I can’t seem to shake it loose.

My living room looks like a hurrican went through it right now.  My youngest son is wanting to help me clean it up so we can put the tree up. I just sit here and look at everything around me and cry.

I am so afraid of feeling anything.  Anyway….I hope my children will still have each other when they are older and I am gone.  I would hate for them to have to feel so alone, like there is no one that cares or loves them.

Posted in Beginning

Negative thoughts…

•October 30, 2008 • 3 Comments

You know there are times my mind wanders. Nothing new really. There are things running through my mind that I don’t feel I can share with anyone.

There are thoughts and desires I won’t share at all. Not with my husband,friends and even my counselor. I think the bible refers to them as the secrets places in our hearts? I don’t know….

Lately I feel like I don’t know much of anything. I am supposed to be keeping a negative thought journal. I am supposed to dialog with myself to get rid of the negative thoughts.

The problem is, I look around me, not just my surroundings, but the people and their reactions to situations and so much of it supports the negative thoughts.

Of all the things I have faced in my life, this is the toughest battle I have ever waged and I can honestly say that I am not too sure I am going to come out the victor on this one.

I am so good at hiding my depression that no one even sees it. Some I can see plain as day.

I withdraw from people. I have successfully withdrawn from so many friends that I don’t even think they realize what I have done.

If your lucky, I take a shower once or twice a week. I will at least stick my head under the shower and wash my hair. I still have a little bit of vanity to not want to go out while having a major bad hair day. I guess I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.

Let me give you an example of one of my cycles so to speak…..

My house is cluttered. Books galore, stuff every where. I am not going to describe my bedroom. Nope…not going there….besides the fact it is hard to get in there right now…

I need to clean and pick up. If anyone says anything to me, even if it is encouragement, I start beating myself up.

Part of me cares, part of me doesn’t. I feel like I am in this battle by myself and always have been. I got to a point where I didn’t care anymore and basically to hell with everyone.

I am overwhelmed and I can’t think. My mind is basically blank…it is so hard to focus.

I will visit this later…need to go.

Posted in Beginning

A pitfall to watch out for…..

•October 2, 2008 • 1 Comment

Someone recently reminded me of something that happened with my daughter. I wanted to share this in the event there may be others who may be experiencing the same type of issue.

I was told when I was in counseling the first time that I would probably have struggles with my daughter. I was expecting one thing and got another.

I was hard on my daughter. I expected her to be able to handle and do things that she couldn’t do. Why? Because that is what I was expected to do. What I was doing at her age was not appropriate and not right. I was raised in a very abusive manner. When my daughter wasn’t able to do things that I was doing I would get angry.

I was much harder and harsher with her than I ever was with the boys.

Along with that were the issues I was facing with my MIL. There is so much enmity and hatred for me. It made our marriage difficult. She made me relive the emotional aspects of the abuse. Not the actual abuse. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had begun to resent my daughter and my husband.

Taking into account my all ready bias from the abuse, I was dealing with the constant barrage of how useless and what trash I was from my MIL.

I would see myself sometimes and couldn’t figure out why I was dealing with her in such a harsh way. There was one particularly difficult year that we had again refused to allow the kids to see my MIL. My daughter sat there one evening and said that if she hadn’t been born I wouldn’t have had to deal with my MIL and her hatred.

It was that moment that it all came rushing into me and I realized what I had been doing all those years.

Do you have any idea how gut wrenching and heart wrenching it is to realize as a mother what you have been doing to your daughter and how you resented this innocent child? I wanted to die from the hurt. I was so distraught that the next day I had an opportunity to call into a radio program that does counseling. New LIfe LIve. I remember it was Dr. Joe Byrns that was on that day along with Dr Henry Cloud, Dr Steve Arturburn and Dr Jill Hubbard. I told them what I thought I had been doing and how I had been treating my daughter. I wasn’t abusive but I was harder on her than I should have ever been. My expectation were too high. I did resent her and my husband.

They were quiet for a very brief moment and then came on and told me that they were proud of me for recognizing what I was doing while she was still young. She was only around 8 years old at the time. Most mothers do not see this if ever, until their daughters have left home. I had an opportunity to turn that around. They helped me to see that some or much of this had to do with my childhood. I was expecting her to do things that she really wasn’t capable of handling. She didn’t need to do the same thing. She was being brought up in a loving home. She didn’t know any of the abuse I did growing up. She wasn’t being forced to carry the heavy load of adult responsibility that I had to carry. Yet I expected so much more of her. There was no foundation for her to draw on since she didn’t have the experiences that I had.

I had to humble myself before my daughter and ask her for forgiveness. I explained to her what had been happening all those years. I explained how and why I had fallen into the trap of being so hard on her when it came to what I expected. I had to tell her that it wouldn’t have mattered who Daddy had married. MIL would have still hated me. (Although at the time I still did not believe this. It was what she needed to hear.)

I cried. I had hurt her but in another way. I have been given the time and opportunity to make this up to her. I had to be careful because I had the tendency to go in the other direction of being too lenient. I had to find a balance. Which I eventually did, I think. It hasn’t been easy.

I prided myself on not abusing my children when they were growing up, but doing what I did I saw as abuse. Emotionally.

I let her know I was wrong. That was the most important thing I could have done for her. I let her know that it had nothing to do with her. It was all me. It was how I mishandled the situation.

She is now a soon to be 15 year old who is very confident in her own skin. She is fairly confident in her abilities and who she is as a person. I helped bring that about. I need to see that and be proud of what my husband and I accomplished with her and our two sons.

Be wary. If you have a child who feels you are singling them out. Stop for a moment and think. Ask yourself some very pertinent questions. If you have any experiences like mine, you may need to step back and take a walk into the past to see if it is influencing the present.

If you find yourself in the same situation as I did, upon reflection go to your child and confess. Tell them what you realize you have done. Talk about what happened to you. You can get the point across with out giving intimate details. Tell them you are going to work on this. Hug them and tell them you are sorry.

It’s okay to tell your children that you made a mistake. It’s okay to be wrong. It needs to be followed up with an apology. How else do you expect them to own their mistakes and make amends? They learn from us.

Posted in Beginning, The Kids
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Once upon a time, a conversation with my daughter……..

•September 26, 2008 • Leave a Comment

My children know……

My children know that I had a less than desirable childhood. Quite nasty one would say. They know that I was abused as a child. They know that I was sexually abused, beaten unmercifully, and verbally abused. They do not know details. They just know it happened and it shaped who I am today.

I did not sit my children down one day and decide to have a life chat with them. It came out bit by bit. The first time was with my daughter when she was younger and still believed in fairy tales. Cinderella’s Step Mom.

**********************************************************

“Mom? Did your mother sit up with you when you were a little girl? Did she stay with you when you were sick?”

“No, honey. My mother wasn’t around when I was your age (4). We lived with my father and stepmother. She wasn’t one to sit with us when we were sick.”

“Why?”

“She had problems. She didn’t know how to be a mother. She didn’t like me because I look so much like grandma.”

“Why Mommy?”

“Hmmmm, well honey, she was taught that the oldest was responsible for the younger children. When the younger children did something wrong and we were punished, she would punish mommy extra because it was my job to make sure my brothers didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But, Mommy?”

“Yes….?”

“That’s not right. You don’t punish me if the boys do something wrong. Why would your stepmom do that to you?”

“I don’t know sweetie. She was only repeating what was done to her. I refused to repeat that cycle. Its a cycle that has to be broken. I never wanted you or your brothers to know the fear I knew as a child. I love you too much to ever hurt you like that. It would kill me to hurt you like that.”

“She was like Cinderella’s stepmom?”

“Yes. That would be an accurate description. Only she was much worse then Cinderella’s step mom.”

“Mommy, I love you. You are a good mommy. I’m sorry you didn’t have a mommy like you when you were a little girl.”

“You know what? God was able to take every thing that happened to me and use it for good. I wouldn’t be who I am today with out what I went through. It doesn’t make what was done right. I chose. I made the choice to be a better person. Now look what I have. I have you three and I get to have all the fun now with you and the boys that I didn’t have while I was your age.”

“Well, you are kinda silly and weird sometimes,” as she laughs.

“I am aloud to be weird, silly, and goofy. What with you and two boys? Oh, lets not forget your Dad. He’s a bigger child than I am,” laughingly hugging her.

*****************************************************************************

There have been many other instances with my children where we have had conversations like the above conversation. The above conversation did take place when my daughter was a little girl. I have always been honest with them.

I chose to not repeat what was done to me. It is evident in the lives of my children. They are so happy and adjusted. They know who they are. They have a keen sense of self. They are comfortable in ways that I still grapple with as an adult.

If I never do anything else worthwhile in my life. I can know, with out a doubt, they have not had to deal with the type of fear and helplessness that I grew up with. In this area alone, I have done something good in my life.

This is supposed to be a “pat me on the back” post. I needed to do and say something positive for me, about me, and to me.

Posted in The Kids
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Today is one of those days…..

•September 22, 2008 • 2 Comments

I understand this is a journey I am on but I want out. I would rather not feel anything anymore. I also know this is wrong but I am so ready to just give up and quit.

I hate feeling this way. I am tired of hurting. I have gotten so good at masking how I feel most of the time know one realizes the internal battle raging inside of me.

It is like being on a perpetual teeter totter. Anger, depression, anger, depression. I could handle numb. I could handle the old me.

Today is going to be one of those days. I hate life right now.

Posted in Just Me
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I hate life….

•September 19, 2008 • 1 Comment

I have been in a depressive funk. Anything being said to me is being taken personally. I am owning the lies that I shouldn’t.

Take for instance tonight, my husband said something that had nothing to do with me. I felt it was because of me. You see I still think it’s my fault. Even if it has something to do with the kids. Which this did. To me it was like a slap in the face. It had nothing to do with him. Poor guy probably didn’t know what was wrong.

I took off walking. I didn’t tell him. I just assumed the kids would. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem but it was 10:30 pm. I know I made him mad. I had the cell phone with me and called a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. She is an older women who lives on her own.

Here is the thing. With me, when I start this downward spiral of thinking and getting seriously depressed my thoughts go to places they shouldn’t be. It really doesn’t bother me that I put myself into positions that my life would possibly be in danger. I really just don’t care. I do have a sense of self preservation though because I stick close to the house when it is late at night.

I really don’t care. I would have walked further but I had dark clothes on and this road isn’t safe to walk with out the proper reflective clothing. I know. It makes absolutely no sense that I would put myself in harms way and worry about proper clothing.

I am also sick right now.

I beat myself up over things the kids don’t do or do simply because I must be the one at fault. I am not staying on top of them. This is totally wrong. I know that but I can’t help feeling the things I do.

I really wish I could just go somewhere and not have to worry about any one needing me or wanting me. It’s times like this I wish I had never gotten married or had kids. All I see are the major screw ups.

Here is what I imagine my life to be like in a few years. My kids are going to grow up and not want their mother around and they will blame me for what ever problems they are going to possibly have. My husband will finally wise up and dump me.

I am not going to put down what my thoughts have been lately. They are ugly and dangerous. Even I recognized that. But I also know me.

I hate them all. I want to hurt them. I want them to hurt like I do. No amount of pain for the ones alive is good enough right now. I want them to wallow in pain. Not very Christian like is it? Here is part of the battle.

My mother-in-law is back in town. That is one women I would like to see in hell. I imagine myself doing all sorts of things to her. This women has the power to make me cower in fear. The world would be a better place with her gone. My father-in-law might even be able to be happy.

She keeps threatening to take us to court. This is a major fear of mine. One my husband doesn’t get. He will get it if we are ever actually served to appear in court. He wants her to take us to court.

No one can keep you safe. If they tell you they can they are damn liars!!! They will never keep you safe. Why? Because what you want or need isn’t important enough.

They are only concerned about their own comfort level and don’t give a dam about you. So. Buck up and make your plan. Trust no one. Rely only on yourself. In the end….you will be screwed like you always are. Never expect someone to take care of what you are not willing to do for yourself. If you don’t feel safe then look inside. That is where it is going to have to come from. Don’t ever expect anyone to keep you safe. I don’t any more. I have learned that no one will keep you safe. No one will help you feel safe. If you don’t feel safe then you need to make yourself safe. I am not safe. No. I will have to do it myself.

This is one women I can picture in my head dead in a sundry of ways. Her I can hate. My family, I have a hard time hating. Why? Because they were kind when they abused me. This women is like a snake.

What would I do if she actually showed up at my front door again? Cower behind the door. That’s me. A coward. A looser. I am that afraid of her.

Oh well, life goes on…….

Later…………

Posted in Just Me
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Unlovable…….

•September 11, 2008 • 2 Comments

It is difficult to look back at ones abuse once the blinders have been removed. Everything is questioned. The lies. The truth, such as it was during that time. The motives. Each memory is removed from the shelves of my mind where they are stored. They are examined thoroughly as if they are now being seen clearly for the first time. It is a painful examination.

Truth hurts. Painfully so.

As I sat talking with my husband a few nights ago, it dawned on me that there was no love in my family. What I had viewed from the eyes of a child are now clear to these adult eyes. I started to cry.

The love that I clung to as the only love I had known as a child was a lie. My grandmother knew what was going on as did my mother. Both turned a blind eye to my grandfather’s abuse. My stepmother had conditioned me through the physical abuse to always assume blame. I was the oldest and therefore was punished and told it was my fault when the younger children misbehaved.

I was a child. The beatings were horrible. The only respite from the beatings were the visits with my grandparents on the weekends and holidays. They even knew about the abuse and neglect while living with my father.

The love and attention showered on me by my grandparents was akin to tossing bread crumbs to a starving child. We were so hungry; we were hungry for love and attention but also for food. We would visit my grandparents and eat continuously. We were treated so kindly, so I thought.

The boys would run about playing. Grandpa made fishing poles for them out of branches and would affix a hook to the end of a string. The boys would spend hours at the little creek that ran beside the house fishing for minnows. I would be told what a good girl I was and how quiet. I would be left alone with my grandfather. I could do what I wanted and not have to bare the burden of being punished for the boys behavior.

My grandmother has always been held in high regard by me. I loved her. I saw her as someone special. Someone who would sit and brush my hair by the fireplace. As a Christian, she had the greatest impact on my life. I attributed what I learned and my subsequent salvation to my grandmother’s devotion to seeing her grandchildren come to know the Lord. For that I am truly grateful. God can use any vessel He chooses to bring one of His children to Him.

It struck me that having both grandparents make a declaration of their own salvation that their children would have at some point come to know the Lord also. This is not the case. What did they see in their parents that made them turn so far away from God. My mother, aunt, and two uncles have all lived lives that are filled with various abusive behavior. Failed relationships. Favoritism. At the time, of my seven siblings, with the exception on one today, none of them know the Lord. Of the thirteen grandchildren, only three. Mine.

I always thought they were trying to make up for what we missed with my father. Unconditional love. What they gave was no more a bribery to keep us quiet. Everyone was able to maintain the status quo of what and who they represented in the community.

I have tried to sit and justify what they did by saying they loved me in their own way. I can’t do it.

Love doesn’t sit back while a small child who is all ready being beat unmercifully, take advantage and abuse the child sexually. He knew what he was doing. I had never known gentleness. I had not known kindness. I did not know a raised hand to be anything but a slap in the face. I did not know it could be a gentle pat on the head. He showed me all of this and more. He used what I so desperately hungered for, love, to keep me quiet.

They never really loved us. They never really loved me. None of them. God only knows how much it hurts to know that I wasn’t really loved. There was no one there to love me. How could they have loved me and yet done such unspeakable things to me. How? Simple…..they didn’t love me to begin with.

Take a child like that, who is so starved for love and looks for it anywhere they can find and one can understand how so many women and men repeat the cycle of what was done to them. Teach a child that this is how a trusted family figure shows love and they will think this is what they must do to be loved.

Why was I so unlovable? Why could no one love me? As I grew older I knew love meant pain. I wouldn’t allow people to get close. I put up a barrier to try to keep people from loving me. The only love I ever knew hurt, abused, suppressed, manipulated and slowly killed that which lives with in us. It stifled and strangled the little girl who only wanted to be loved and protected. Slowly a part of me started to die.

I was the one that no one could love. Not enough to protect. What other possible conclusions could be drawn from such abuse and neglect at the hands of an adult who is supposed to cherish, nurture,encourage and love?

I was taught to hate and despise myself. I was taught to take the blame. Forty years of doing this to myself. Those are hard habits to break.

Posted in Beginning, Just Me
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I have been avoiding coming here for awhile…..

•September 11, 2008 • 1 Comment

I have been avoiding coming here for a few days because I had some things to work through.

I actually went into counseling on Thursday with every intent to quit. I don’t know what happened but I scheduled another appointment for the following week…….

This is so difficult on so many levels. I would almost have to say this has been one of the most difficult things I have ever faced….well, besides my mother-in-law.

She is what actually started this little road trip. She is severely bi-polar and has never been on meds. She has been committed three times. She has basically made my life a living hell for the past 13 years. Her verbal abuse was no different emotionally than what the abusers in my childhood had done to me. My fear of her is so unreasonable. I cannot tell you the number of times I have just packed up my children and run when I knew she was in town.

I wanted the counseling to help me separate my issues with her from that of the abuse I had gone through as a child. She didn’t cause any triggers or flashbacks per se. Anytime I was around her I would shut down emotionally. She brought out the same fear, helplessness and the fright and flight part of me. I knew it was coming from the abuse issues. I knew why I was having difficulties with her but I didn’t know how to break the bond of fear that so overwhelms me when I think of her being near us.

You see, I had convinced myself that I was fine. I had made peace, for the most part, with what had happened to me as a child. I have counseled so many women on their own abuse and am actually pretty good at it.

My very wise counselor tricked me though. By pulling out the childhood trauma she was able to show me that I had never, never dealt with the emotional side of the abuse. It really wasn’t all that of a surprise though. I knew I hadn’t dealt with any of that. I had still displaced all of my anger and hatred onto myself instead of those who had hurt me.

My husband and my counselor both tell me this is the last hurdle. This is the worst part of abuse that one has to deal with. It is also the most invasive. Dealing with the emotional pain of abuse touches everything in ones life. I control the anger and keep suppressing it for fear of letting it out around my children. I am very protective over my children.

My husband and I spend the weekends talking about my weekly counseling sessions and he helps me to see some of what I have suppressed. He has been walking around with the knowledge in his head of the duplicity of my family that I was not aware of or could not see. He kept his tongue and never brought it up because he knew I wasn’t ready for it yet.

Well, this weekends conversation would rank up there as a doozy if you ask me.

Yes. I. am. angry! I am angry at the thought that so many people knew and did nothing.

My heart breaks because the people I thought loved me, stood by and allowed the abuse to happen or were the abusers.

I have had to face things that are revolting. I have had to admit things that are sickening to the core.

My husband spends most of his time telling me I was a child. Asking me how old I was at the time. Reminding me that, yes, to an adult what was done, was sick. My responses were those of a child who didn’t understand what was happening. How does one look back as an adult and reconcile the events of the child with out revulsion at ones own self? That is difficult.

I have taken on the blame for things I could not control. I have absorbed all responsibility for acts perpetrated against me and taken on the responsibility of those acts.

I am grappling with all of these issues. Realizing that so many knew and turned a blind eye has forced me to rethink all of my relationships from early childhood. This does not just pertain to the sexual abuse. I have had occasions to speak with other family members relating to my father. So many times I heard how cruel the punishment was that I received at the hand of my stepmother. This was also spoken of by two of my siblings. How can so many people see and yet not step up and take a stand to protect a child?

My husband pointed out to me how the physical abuse set me up to take all the blame onto my shoulders. When I was told that everything was my fault and how I was given punishment for things I did not do and everyone knew it wasn’t me; I learned to take the blame. I took the blame for what my grandfather did to me.

I found myself sitting there and asking what it was about me? Did I ask for it? Did I show pleasure in what was being done that led him to believe I wanted this? It is difficult not to allow my mind to travel that road. Of course I wasn’t responsible. Of course I didn’t ask for it.

I have had to reexamine these relationships and it is pretty ugly. Looking at my grandparents lives and seeing now what I see, they were trying to keep a pretense of normalcy and the showing of being such wonderful grandparents. They were highly respected in their church. The thought that they would be condemned and be capable of doing such things would alter their lives. Who cares what it has done to mine.

I am having to stare into the face of what I thought was the love of family and see it for the self serving, self protecting, manipulating “love” they were actually offering. I cannot pass judgment on them and make a blanket statement that they didn’t love me. They claim to have loved me in their own way. One is dead and the other refuses to discuss any of this with me.

The truth is……..they didn’t love me. They couldn’t have loved me and allowed what was going on to continue and force me to carry the blame of their sick behavior. I had all ready come to the conclusion that my mother was only capable of loving herself and caring for only her. I realized my father did not understand what it was to love his children when he acknowledged the abuse I thought he was ignorant of all those years as being cared for by my stepmother. That is not the love of a father. The two people I had clung to as loving me and showing me kindness were manipulating me. They did not love me.

Here I sit wondering why it was that I was so unlovable. I have never mattered. Not to my mother, father, grandmother, grandfather.

I recognize intellectually where this comes from……the emotional need is so great. That desire for a loving relationship with family and being accepted for who and what I am is still there. It is pervasive and invasive even to this day. I have been married 15 years. Even now, I will look at my husband and ask him when he is leaving me. No one else stayed. Why would I think he will. I have even tried to push him away. If I were to be asked right now if I still believed this, the answer would, sadly, be yes.

Do I think he will stay? (shrugging shoulders) I can’t answer that, not honestly. I vacillate between he loves me; he will leave me. There are not enough daisies for me to pull the petals off for that one.

I can recognize, with head knowledge, that all of this is nothing but lies. My whole life has been based on lies. The lie that it was all my fault. The lie that I brought it on myself. The lie that I am just a plain ole bad person.

Emotionally I can’t see it yet…..It’s like there are two people waging a war.

Posted in Beginning, Just Me
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I wanted to share God’s work in my life…..

•August 28, 2008 • 3 Comments

I have another blog. One that is open and not anonymous. I decided to pull a couple of the entries from that blog and post them here. Of course names have been removed to protect the innocent. I am wading through the rest of this journey, but wanted to share some other aspects of my life and how I know God has always had His hand on my life. What I am trying to do now is just another season in my life….hopefully the culmination of the rest of my healing. Here is more of the story……….

20 Years Ago….My request vs God’s Plan.

There is no greater joy then leading ones own child to a saving knowledge of Christ. Speaking as a women, it rivals those brief moments when holding this newborn babe in ones arms after spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get them out……My daughter and I labored for 36 hours……I can say this with some authority. Women love to share labor and delivery stories…..mine rank up there I can tell you ……but that isn’t my purpose at the moment.

I had never planned on getting married or having children. I grew up in a very abusive home…..physically,verbally, sexually….that about covers it I guess. That also is another story that I don’t share lightly. My desire to remain single wasn’t out of a selfish world view of not wanting to live a “ME” only life. It was out of fear. Fear that I would be the stereotypical abused child/adult and in turn repeat the cycle I endured as did my mother and to some degree my grandparents.

I sometimes hear people say, “Wow…You are breaking your families bondage to sin. You are stopping the cycle from repeating itself. You have done a great job.” There is an occasional touch of pity. I don’t want pity. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to see God’s hand at work. I want them to see His mercy and His loving arms wrapped around me. I want them to see that HE and only an almighty God could work the miracles in my life. I always try to explain that, no…..It isn’t me. It is God who is breaking the cycle.

I thought about my children today……I remember at the age of 23 walking into my Doctor’s office and having my very first Gynecological exam. He was Filipino and his name was Dr. G. (I won’t give his full name.) I am about as embarrassed as I can be….He is so short he had to stand on a step stool to do the exam. I had never dated….not in high school and I don’t count the one my roommates in college made me go on…..If you knew the tale you wouldn’t count that one either.

Before the exam started, Dr. G went through the obligatory questionnaire….which I have always found insulting….especially when the answer to some of the questions are no and they have to ask again because they can’t believe they are hearing correctly. NO….I had never been sexually active. I wasn’t thinking about the childhood sexual abuse…so I didn’t even think to mention it at the time. NO…I had never been pregnant nor had I had an abortion. How many miscarriages? Duh..I just told you I had never been pregnant and since I had never been sexually active….there was no way I could have become pregnant. You get the idea…..and I know they have to ask…but sometimes it is annoying. Then we get to the question of “why are you here today?”

I looked at this Doctor and very quietly told him that I wanted my tubes tied to prevent me from ever having children. He schooled his features quickly but you could tell he was a little stunned. He glanced back down at my chart and seeing my age asked me if there was some life threatening medical reason that would cause my death were I to become pregnant. I just told him that I never wanted children. He sat there and hung his head, took a deep breath then explained to me that in our state it is not permitted to “sterilize” a women unless she has had at least 2 children or a pregnancy would be life threatening. Since I did not fall into either category he would not be permitted to grant me my request. Since I had never had a gynecological exam though it was about time I had one so we went through with the exam.

Dr. G finished the exam, looked up at me with tears in his eyes and told me to meet him in his office when I finished dressing. Here I am thinking he has found some kind of cancer and I am about to get news that I am dying or some thing. I had no clue what was going to hit me in about 10 minutes.

I dressed and started down the hallway pausing outside his office door. I took a deep breath then knocked and went in. He motioned me to one of the two high-back burgundy wing chairs he had in his office. I sat down and waited. I had my hands folded together so tightly my knuckles were turning white…..I just sat there and waited for this doctor to probably tell me I was dying. What else was there for me to think when he was sitting there with his head in his hands softly crying.

This dear little man looks up at me with tears in his eyes, very quietly says to me….”You were sexually abused as a small child. Weren’t You?” I had only told my old pastor and his wife and another family that had become a set of surrogate parents to me. I just looked at him not quite sure how I should answer but decided the truth was the best way to go because some how he had figured it out.

I replied, “Yes, I was.” Dr. G said that he could tell from the amount of internal scarring that I had been abused and that I had to have been very young. I told him that my earliest memory was at the age of three. He just looked at me and said that he was sooo sorry. He asked me if that had anything to do with my wanting to have my tubes tied. I told him that it was a small part of my reason and we talked about some of the other abuse I had grown up enduring and my greatest fear of having children and them having to experience that same abuse. Statistics were stacked against me. I had forgotten that those were man’s statistics. Not God’s……

He started to go through his rolodex and pulled out a card. He made a phone call asking the person on the other line if they were taking new patients. He told this person He would count it a favor if they would see me as a new patient. He then scheduled my appointment and hung up the phone.

<He gave me the card with the counselor’s number then told me when my appointment was scheduled. I have to admit I was a little surprised that he would assume I needed or wanted counseling. Something inside of me was almost elated….for the first time in my life someone believed me and wanted to help me. I had proof. He handed me hope. It was an arbitrary choice on my part for choosing this doctor. I pulled out the phone book and just started calling until I found one that I could get an appointment with. I had good insurance at the time but all of the doctor’s were booked weeks and in some case months out for new patients. I thought it was arbitrary….but it was God’s plan. He wanted me to see this particular doctor and no other.

I did follow up with the counseling and saw this person for almost a year. I then joined a support group in our county. They run the rape crisis lines and the AMAC groups (Adults Molested as Children). My counseling stopped for awhile but picked back up after the birth of my second child.

My freshman year of college I had finally been so burdened that I had to get on my knees and ask God to take the bitterness, anger and hatred I felt for my family. I cannot for the life of me remember what the speaker talked about that day in chapel. I remember his name. He is currently a missionary. His name is Edgar Feghali. He was speaking in the chapel at the bible college I was attending. I just remember going back to the dorm and crying…for hours. Begging God to forgive me for the sin in my own heart…the hatred and enmity I felt towards all of those who were in a position of authority over me, who were supposed to protect me and yet did the greatest harm. I asked God to not let it be for naught. I asked God to take all the pain, every wrong, every injustice and every abuse and use it to glorify HIM. Allow what happened to me to be used for good…..I still couldn’t forgive though. I had to pray and ask My Heavenly Father to help me see these people the way His Precious Son saw them and loved even them enough to die on the cross for them. I asked God to give me the forgiveness that only He can give….to let me love them the way He loves them.

After praying that prayer…..my whole life changed. I was able to look back and see God’s hand of intervention even during the darkest hours. I had accepted the Lord as a young child…somewhere around 7-9. There are bits and pieces I do not remember and my godly christian counselor feels to this day…it is God who isn’t allowing me to remember everything. I had an awareness even as a young child of those times that God moved people into my life to be there for me. To help see me through some of those times. When I prayed that day asking God to help me love them….it was as if a veil had been lifted……I pictured my self like Atlas of the Greek myths holding the world upon his shoulders. The weight of my bitter, angry heart was much like the weight Atlas had to bare on his shoulders. I know it is probably the wrong imagery, as a christian, to use….but that image is so prevalent that anyone could understand the type of burden I am trying to convey.

God had other plans for my life. I met my husband and we have three beautiful children. One girl (soon to be 14), two boys (almost 12 and the other 10). My daughter wants to write children’s Christian fiction and maybe be a teacher and missionary. My older son says that he want to be a piano playing evangelist…..right now I think he would be willing to give up the piano lessons….:). Now that his braces are off he wants my husband and I to teach him the trumpet. Since we both played either one of us can teach him. My youngest son waffles back and forth between being a Marine and a missionary, artist, janitor, cowboy. My response to that one was if he is led to being a missionary…odds are he would be doing all of those jobs. I attribute their desire for the Lord’s things to us trying to keep Godly examples of men and women who have given their lives over to the Lord.

My husband and I are not pushing our kids toward the ministry, but they need to know that it is an option. By the worlds standard of living it isn’t a good paying option but the rewards and benefits are much greater than what the world can offer if that is what they are called into. They know that we will support whatever they want to do as long as they are in God’s will for their lives.

There are times like today, that I sit back and think over the life lessons that we have tried to teach our children. What is important….is what you own? the degree behind your name? the amount of money in you bank account? Or do they understand the principles Christ was teaching in Matthew 6:19-21

Mat 6:19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
Mat 6:20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
Mat 6:21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Is there anything in my life that could be a spiritual hindrance to their lives? Is our life filled with double standards or do we use the one standard…God’s Word? Do we as a family live our lives according to God’s word? Do we provoke our children to wrath?

Eph 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

I like what Matthew Henry’s Commentary has to say on this particular verse. He is quite verbose but what he says is enough to make any parent think……Basically…it is Parenting 101 in a nutshell.

“The duty of parents: And you fathers, Eph_6:4. Or, you parents, 1. “Do not provoke your children to wrath. Though God has given you power, you must not abuse that power, remembering that your children are, in a particular manner, pieces of yourselves, and therefore ought to be governed with great tenderness and love. Be not impatient with them, use no unreasonable severities and lay no rigid injunctions upon them. When you caution them, when you counsel them, when you reprove them, do it in such a manner as not to provoke them to wrath. In all such cases deal prudently and wisely with them, endeavoring to convince their judgments and to work upon their reason.” 2. “Bring them up well, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, in the discipline of proper and of compassionate correction, and in the knowledge of that duty which God requires of them and by which they may become better acquainted with him. Give them a good education.” It is the great duty of parents to be careful in the education of their children: “Not only bring them up, as the brutes do, taking care to provide for them; but bring them up in nurture and admonition, in such a manner as is suitable to their reasonable natures. Nay, not only bring them up as men, in nurture and admonition, but as Christians, in the admonition of the Lord. Let them have a religious education. Instruct them to fear sinning; and inform them of, and excite them to, the whole of their duty towards God.”

My goal as their mother isn’t to raise them up to seek the world. My job as their mother is to raise them up to always seek the Lord. I am not saying that my children HAVE to go into ministry. I want their hearts to be open to God’s direction and His will on and in their lives. In order to do that….I have to sit back and examine my own life.

God wanted these children born for a reason….It is not my choice as to what God calls them to do nor am I privy to the reason for them being given to me….I just know that I must be obedient in my own life and in that obedience I will do as God asks in Proverbs 22:6.

Pro 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Our children don’t belong to us….they are a gift….

Psa 127:3 Lo, children are a heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

They are on loan….God is pretty clear on what He wants us to do and how He wants us to raise them and what values we are to instill in them. Am I doing my job….? Maybe not as good as I could or should be doing…..Are there some changes in my life that I need to make? Ummmm…LOTS!!!! Does God expect me to be perfect in raising them? No…He knows I can’t….He does expect me to remove what shouldn’t be there…..I think that is why God gives us children…..He uses them to grow us.

God wanted My Husband and I to have these three children. No one else was supposed to get them…..I ask myself when I look back and see how God moved in my life so that I would have the husband and the children I have ……What is His plan for their lives and am I doing enough?

I have allowed some things to become a hindrance in my life that have brought me down. I realized today that I am not doing my part. I have been a slacker lately. I am sure my children recognize that also…..Today…I had to ask for forgiveness. I have to get back on track…..the path has all ready been marked for me…I just need to travel back to the fork and take the other road. I prayed that God would forgive me and help me to make it right with my children and to correct or help them through what I, as mom, screw up….

I think back to that day in that doctor’s office and cannot even imagine how bereft my life would be had I found a doctor that could have honored my request. Through them I have relived my childhood doing what I missed out the first time… (It has been so much fun..:)..)…sitting and having tea party’s with coco, building bridges with legos, sliding down the slide into the biggest pile of leaves, sledding down the hill in the back yard, sitting up holding a toddler with whooping cough, wiping tears away, catching them when they take that first step and fall, hearing the laughter in their voices as they play together and getting those hugs every night along with the “I love you Mom.” I would have missed the best part of my life.

The greatest joy was in watching them as their hearts became more and more tender to the Lord and His calling them to Him. My daughter accepted the Lord at Christian school during chapel. I had the honor of leading my sons to the Lord. I might not have ever gotten to experience that elation with my own children had not the Lord intervened. I am so glad I have traveled the path I have traveled…much of it out of my control but the Lord took care of me and I know He will take care of them. He watches the sparrows. I know He will watch them……

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

(alternative first verse) Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows fall
Why should my heart be troubled, When all but hope is gone?
when Jesus is my fortress. My constant friend is He.
His eye is on the Sparrow, and I know He watches me.
His eye is on the Sparrow, and I know He watches me!

*************************************************************************

I have two more entries to post but will post them over the weekend. I have struggled with the forgiveness because I thought I had completed this part. It has been brought to my attention that I only forgave what I had actually applied to the family at that time. I am now seeing things for what they are and realizing that I can be free of all the blame I took upon myself. Once I apply it to the correct person. God will help me to forgive again….but I have to go through the grieving process, the anger and the mourning. Pray for me if you would.

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