Norman is a brilliant database engineer in Silicon Valley, but he’s been out or work a long time. He is running out of savings. When you are desperate for money, to what lengths will you go to get a job?
Norman takes drastic measures and they work but have unintended consequences that are bizarre and hilarious. Here is a story based on real and very serious issues of tech industry hiring practices.
The writer of this story worked with tech companies for 25 years while living in San Francisco. His career as an employment recruiter in SF and Silicon Valley gave him first hand knowledge to paint the accurate picture of living in the tech hub and seeing life inside these companies. Now he lives in LA writing comedic movies and spending his spare time worrying and dodging LA drivers.
How the Universe Creates Life – 93% of the human body is made of stuff that was created in stars billions of years ago. Billions. That stuff didn’t exist in the universe until stars creates it. In the beginning, the entire universe was just composed of the simplest atoms (hydrogen and helium) plus a few forces (like gravity) and some fields (like electromagnetic fields (fields amaze me but that’s another conversation)). Then gravity brought those simple atoms together to make stars. The first generation of stars didn’t have planets around them. What happens in stars is they fuse those simple atoms into bigger atoms (oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, iron, etc) and eventually when the fuel runs low, those stars explode and scatter all that bigger atom stuff throughout the universe, which is then used to make everything in new solar systems, including ours, including Earth and including us. As Carl Sagan said, we are made of star stuff…and that is how the universe creates life.
I think people should get 2 runs at life. The 1st to fuck up like we do, and the 2nd to be able to do it right after we know what’s going on. Of course, I would fuck them both up.
Stuff we never think about • When King Kong was in New York City, what did they do with his poop? • Did the dermatologist leave this magazine out so I would catch something and have to come back in a few weeks? • If Febreze gets out odors, then why doesn’t it get out its own odor? • How do people contract herpes of the eye? • I wonder how many dogs hear their owners having sex on a regular basis and sit there in the dark thinking “this is so unfair.” • Why don’t the lions just wait till the heard of gazelle fall asleep? • Why do they televise car races? Look! They are going around the track again! • I wonder if people had long make out sessions before toothpaste was invented. • Do doctors check for a pulse before performing an autopsy? • If Deepak Chopra’s name was Dave Smith, would anyone listen to what he says? • Has anyone ever done a study of people’s facial expressions as they walk out of the bathroom? • What is the manufacturing process of “recycled toilet paper?” • Did the steam from cooking my food give the chef a runny nose? • There is a scientific, evolutionary theory that states when humans’ jaws got smaller, it allowed our brains to get bigger. So then humans with big mouths, had small brains. I think that explains politicians. Could people that run for office be a random outcropping of ancient inferior DNA?
On Hospitals and Doctors Can anyone guess what the names of these hospitals have in common? Florida Hospital Memorial Medical Center Glendale Memorial Hospital Women’s Memorial Children’s Memorial Memorial Cardiology Medical Group Lodi Memorial Hospital Northwestern Memorial Memorial Hermann Surgery Center Jackson Memorial Santa Rosa Memorial I know, they don’t sound like hospitals, they sound like mortuaries. So why do so many hospitals decide to include the word “Memorial” in their names? Yes, this word is used to make us remember people who have died. Is a hospital whose name includes “Memorial” supposed to make us feel confident about the medical staff? Are the hospital boards making an excuse right up front so hearing the word “memorial” over and over will help skew a jury? Instead of “memorial,” why don’t they just call it Lodi Death Hospital or Florida Hospital Medical Center of God’s Waiting Room or Hermann Kick The Bucket Surgery Center? You have to think that anyone working at these places day after day and hearing “memorial” on a regular basis is going to start thinking more about death instead of life. I don’t know about you but I would rather have a doctor with a slightly more positive attitude. Even if the name of the hospital was Santa Rosa Who-Knows Hospital or Bakersfield Take-Your-Chances Hospital or even “Glendale Is-Your-Family-Insured Hospital.”
I don’t know how doctors can do their jobs just wearing a lab coat and gloves (occasionally) at their jobs. If I was a doctor, I would wear a hazmat suit. I don’t even like being in their waiting rooms with all the infectious people everywhere. And what kind of diseases do you think are growing on the magazines they have for you to read? Are you really going to pick one up? It’s not really a magazine, it’s a petri dish. How many infected people passed their germs onto that thing before you handled it? I had a doctor once that would greet me by putting out his hand for me to shake. I looked at him like he had lost his mind. One time I literally said to him, “Are you kidding me?” Start watching how many of your doctors wash their hands before or after your exam. Not many. It’s good for business. My dermatologist never washed her hands. I insisted she wear gloves, that is until I stopped going to her.
One time I walked by a hospital in San Francisco that was being built. Like many new buildings it has an all glass exterior plus this one was on a main road with lots of traffic. As I looked at it, I suddenly realized how brilliant the hospital board was to build a hospital with a glass exterior. I could imagine every day there would be car accidents out front as drivers casually looked at the building and saw people getting physical exams. Taking off their clothes for their doctor, getting breast exams or testicle exams or bending over and grabbing their ankles or vomiting or hopping up on the table and putting their feet in stirrups. All the nudity and drama. And all the car accidents out front with the injured people being brought right into the ER which was right there. From a business perspective, glass walls was a brilliant idea.
On Religion The Dalai Lama is said to be the reincarnation from the previous Dalai Lama, etc., etc. I am not big on religion or the belief of supernatural beings, especially ones that claim to inhabit human bodies. I will admit though that the Dalai Lama seems like a nice guy with good values. He has a Twitter account too. Upon the death of the Dalai Lama, a search for the reincarnation is conducted. High Lamas scour Tibet and the world. This search can take years. My question is, when this Dalai Lama dies and the reincarnated one grows up, will he know the password to the official Dalai Lama social media accounts?
On the Lives of Dinosaurs – Dinosaurs lived tough lives. Carnivores always foraging for food. Eat or be eaten. I wonder if any of them ever woke up, took a breath of fresh air and thought, “What a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the pterodactyls are singing. I’m so happy to be alive.” If they did, I bet they lived in California. The Tyrannosaurus Californicus. A mostly vegetarian dinosaur but it would eat any other dinosaur that didn’t subscribe to its political viewpoints. It had long arms with which to hug trees, and a rainbow emanating from its butt.
Rogue Planets – It’s calculated that our solar system once had over 50 planets and the gravitational resonances between them caused all the others to be flung out into space. Those flung ones are called rogue planets and there are thought to be many of them out there from other solar systems which probably had the same thing happen. I wonder if any of the other rogue planets will ever fly into our solar system and maybe even crash into the Earth or the Moon.
Higgs Field and Matter – The universe is expanding and throughout it is matter which is created in part by the Higgs Field (which basically turns energy into substance). So as the universe expands, does the Higgs field stretch and weaken? I wonder if the field will eventually stretch to a point where the state of matter can’t be retained and everything in the universe will disintegrate.
Creative Use of Technology – Scientists are working on developing teleportation; the idea from Star Trek where people can be “beamed” from the spaceship to the planet surface or anywhere else. Imagine avoiding traffic and beaming yourself to work or going overseas in a few seconds. Avoiding travel time is great, but I think there is another use for teleportation that would be a huge benefit to humanity. How? Giving birth. Can you imagine? No more long, painful births filled with blood loss, massive doses of anesthetic that can be harmful to the mother and the child, not to mention horrible muscle contractions, tearing of all sorts of things and even trauma to the baby. Just get Scotty in the control room, lock on the fetus and …beam it out.
My new book is out – Based on the script I wrote (dialog infused into prose):
No, there are no underwater societies of ghost armies, there are no Disney characters and there are no 11,000 year old relics coming back to life to, once and for all, take control of their ancient home and rule the Earth.
It all started out so innocently. Heather and Dave take a cruise on their yacht across the Atlantic Ocean and unknowingly come across Atlantis, just after Poseidon raised it. They don’t know it’s Atlantis. How could they? No one knows the island exists. However after exploring and experiencing a libido effect from a fruit they found growing there, they love the island and they give some of the fruit to friends. Pandemonium ensues… The friends’ company execs make products using the unique fruit. The products have an effect on everyone who touches or smells them. Nations hear about the newly found island and want to claim it for their own. People form Poseidon sects and go to the island to worship. The nations send their militaries to fight for control over the island. And the gods laugh.
Poseidon just raised Atlantis so he could lay in the grass and feel the ocean breeze. It also turns out the fruit, made by a horny god, were the cause of all the aggressive things that happened on Atlantis 11,000 years ago.
This story includes historical accounts of Atlantis. There are also modern day conversations between Greek gods which makes for a great way to understand each of them, which few people do because of how fleetingly they are taught in schools. This story also has sexual content and satire infused into it which is a great way to examine human nature and how logic takes a back seat to all the crazy things they will do over money, sex and power. It’s a fun read.
I love earthquakes. Earthquakes make you realize your place on the planet, how small you are and that the world does not belong to you.
We had a 4.7 earthquake the other day. It was great. And the epicenter was just a few towns away (about 15 miles) so where I was, it probably a 4.5. Anything under 5 is good, a fun ride. Of course, that’s assuming a loose beam doesn’t fall on you or your poorly built home or office doesn’t collapse, but this most likely wouldn’t happen below 5 anyway. Above 5 it shakes so much it gets scary. I can’t imagine going through a 7.
When I told my family I was moving to California (from the east coast) a few said I was crazy because California has earthquakes. I said, “Yeah but they only last a few seconds whereas the winters here last six months.” Not to mention most snow falls in the late winter so it’s like adding insult to injury. After 5 years in New England, I felt cabin fever coming on in the autumn. Growing up in New Jersey, I used to love autumns, but the New England winters ruined autumn for me. Now, seeing it in photos is all I can handle. None of family understood but I knew I was making the right choice. 25 years later I still know.
When I left New England, I decided to move to San Francisco. I wanted to live in a place where it doesn’t snow and you don’t need a car. SF seemed the only realistic place to pull that off. I incorrectly figured SF was nearly as warm as Los Angeles since they were both in California. I was wrong. San Francisco is at the end of a peninsula that sticks out into the ocean. So the cold ocean air rolls over it, often times bringing the fog. Because of the cold ocean air, there are often temperature inversions that can create great optical effects over the ocean like mirages and green flashes. I actually kind of like the weather there, but many don’t. Laughably, the people in SF wear winter coats in the winter. I moved there from place where its sub freezing 4-6 months of the year. One time I was standing on a street corner in Manhattan wearing a heavy wool coat, a thick wool sweater, a button down shirt, a t-shirt and thermal underwear when a gust of wind blew down the street and cut through all those clothes like they didn’t exist. I felt like I was standing at the South Pole naked. The people in San Francisco don’t know what cold is. I eventually moved to LA and since then, I don’t own a winter coat anymore.
Getting back to earthquakes, as for the recent 4.7, an earthquake app on my phone said it was a 5.1, but my body knew it was below 5. In fact, a few minutes later the USGS recalculated and adjusted it down. I was right. Funnily, I felt the quake a few seconds before the alert for the earthquake phone app went off.
About a month ago, there was an earthquake in Pasadena that registered 4.4. When it happened, I was sitting in my parked car 50 miles away on the other side of Malibu watching the ocean from on top of a cliff. This time, my earthquake app went off first and 5 seconds later the car started shaking. If the car is being driven, you won’t feel most quakes. By the time this quake got to me, the shake was probably about a 3.5. I loved it.
I just published a book. OK, I first wrote it as a screenplay but no one in Hollywood reads unreferred writers, so I added detail like character thoughts and converted it to a book. Here is the gist:
Joel has insomnia. Insomnia can be serious, but there are funny things about it too. Joel falls asleep at work, in taxis and even on dates. It’s messing up his love life and everything else. His insomnia also brings about hallucinations in the middle of the night. He attempts relief from doctors to acupuncturists to exorcists. Then he meets his neighbor who might be able to cure him.
This story is a combination of a comedy about Joel’s weighty insomnia problem mixed with a budding romance between him and his neighbor, Maja.
Placing a bio into online publishing formats is surprisingly difficult, so I will post a bio after the cover photo.
Jon Marcus is a Hollywood screenwriter who focuses on thoughtful comedies.
He went to The Ohio State University and got a BS in marketing after studying years of science classes and tutoring math. He does not have a degree in literature. He does not have an advanced degree. He did not go to an Ivy League school. He learned to write by watching a plethora of movies in an attempt to avoid his parents. He loves a good story and attributes his fondness of fiction and his sense of humor to a slightly warped mind molded by said parents. Not that he’s complaining.
He is an enthusiast of science and history. He is also a romantic, not only of the way he sees the fairer sex but also in his vision of life. He has written numerous movie scripts, realized that people in Hollywood don’t like to read, and he loves writing and creating thoughtful stories and fun characters. He has a penchant for run-on sentences which he is working on and often tries to cure with commas and semicolons.
He grew up in New Jersey and eventually found his way to the West Coast. Currently, when he’s not sitting alone in his dark Santa Monica home worrying about his weight, he can be found watching Pacific waves and playful dolphins from the Malibu coast and wondering what psychotic thoughts are going through the minds of seemingly normal looking people around him.
We’ve seen photos like this of the Milky Way Galaxy, but you have to keep the camera shutter open a long time to get this detail. In real life to the naked eye, the Milky Way galaxy just looks like a faint cloud in the night sky. And you won’t even see that unless you are away from city lights which obscure stars etc in the sky. It’s even more faint than this 2nd photo.
Before telescopes, people could not see the detail in the sky as our tools do now. Most of the stars blurred together in a white streak or cloud. The ancient Greeks called it a “River of milk.” The ancient Romans called it the Via Galactica or “Road made of milk.”
Our solar system is about 1/2 the way out from the center of the galaxy.
Our solar system is not aligned flat compared to the galactic disk. It is tilted about 60°.
(No, our solar system is not this big. It’s just a graphic to show the angle.)
Other solar systems are also tilted and in all sorts of various angles. One would assume the solar system disks would all line up along the plane of the galaxy due to the physics law of angular momentum, but forces in the local environment more affect the angles in the formation of the solar systems.
Our Sun spins counterclockwise, the planets basically spin in the same direction, and the planets revolve around the Sun in the same direction. Other solar systems can spin clockwise; the direction just occurs due to local forces at the time the solar system forms.
The next part is on how big space is, so let me first explain in simple terms what a light year is because we all hear the term but most people don’t really know what it is. It’s a measure of distance, not time. A light year is the distance that light travels in a year, which is about 5.9 trillion miles. They created the term “light year” because light travels so fast (186,000 miles each second), that once you get to stating distances between stars or across galaxies, the numbers stated as miles are too big. For example, the distance across the Milky Way galaxy is 100,000 light years but that is about 587,900,000,000,000,000 miles. The distance between the Milky Way and the closest galaxy (Andromeda) is 2.5 million light years which is 14,700,000,000,000,000,000 miles.
The dimensions of the Milky Way are about 100,000 light years across and about 1,000 light years thick. As a reference, for light to go from the Sun to the closest star (Proxima Centauri), it takes light 4.25 years (or the distance is 4.25 light years). For light to travel from the Sun to Neptune, it takes 4.16 hours (or 4.16 light hours distance). 4.16 light hours is 186,000 miles per second x 60 seconds/minute x 60 minutes/hour which equals 669,600,000 miles. Distance to the nearest star is 24,929,208,000,000 miles.
Given that the galaxy is 1000 light years thick, and assuming similar distances between solar systems (as there is from us to our closest neighboring star), there could be 250 solar systems in the thickness of the galaxy. Multiply that by the distance to the galactic center and around the circumference of the galaxy, the results are a huge number of solar systems. Estimates are 100-400 billion stars in our galaxy. Most, if not all, probably have planets around them.
Time for our solar system to go around the entire galaxy is ~ 250 million years. It travels in a kind of wave path and at a speed of 515,000 mph. As the Sun travels in this wave, it drags the planets with it which travel in a corkscrew path, not the simple circular path we are all taught. Good video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jHsq36_NTU
The Milky Way isn’t flat, but it’s a bit warped (probably due to a past collision / merger with another galaxy).
There are about 150 globular clusters surrounding the galaxy.
Globular clusters are sphere of stars bound by gravity. They vary in size between tens of thousands to millions of stars.
Star Cluster – Messier 92
In the center of the galaxy is a supermasssive black hole with a mass about 4 million times that of our Sun.
The Milky Way will eventually merge with the closest galaxy, Andromeda. This will be in about 5 billion years although it’s a long process to merge all that matter into one galaxy. The Andromeda galaxy is the largest structure visible to the naked eye but its very faint and you can’t be near city lights to see it. It’s about 6 times the length of the Moon as we see it in the sky.
Mapping of objects in space is being done by the Sloan Digital Sky Survey. www.ssds.org. Remember, stars we see in the sky may look like cute shapes, like twins or goats, etc., but in reality they are in 3 dimensions and there can be massive distances in depth that, when we see them we assume are in a plane.
When I was a kid, there were some bullies in the neighborhood that regularly gave me a hard time. So when I got a dog, I decided to name it something tough. I ended up naming it, Shark. I was happy with this name.
The name worked too. When the bullies came around and I yelled Shark!, they thought I was crazy and they went went away laughing. No one likes to be laughed at but it was better than getting beat up so the dog’s name accomplished my goal. When I walked Shark, sometimes I would strap a gray fin to him and a few of the neighbors looked at me like I was mentally unbalanced.
Of course the bullies told all the kids in school about my dog’s name and soon they were all mocking me and laughing at me. That’s ok. It was a bit humiliating but I loved my dog and that’s all that mattered. I told the kids they can laugh at me but my dog already ate a kid in my neighborhood who laughed at me so they better be careful. They said I was lying but some of them had a little fear in their eyes.
There was a problem though which I found out when I took my dog to the beach. After a couple times of yelling Shark, emergency vehicles, helicopters and news crews showed up. I was told I wasn’t allowed at the beach anymore.
It used to be the nicest place in the universe but now the people were burning because their planet’s ozone layer was too thin; it had been eaten away by chemicals that their industries manufactured or that the people used in their homes and cars. For decades, scientists had been warning the population that this would happen, but greed, mistrust and convenience won out. Now reality had taken over.
I went for a hike recently and I came across some roadrunners. It was great to see the real thing and not what I remember from the cartoon growing up. Here are a few short videos I took. The second one shows one of these birds flying (which they actually rarely do). As I look at them, I can’t help but wonder if they are the missing link between birds and dinosaurs.
The clicking noise they make is really cool.
At some point the camera wasn’t on the bird because as I moved down the trail, I was making sure I wasn’t about to step near a rattlesnake.
Thus Spoke Jon 
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