Tinkerbellknits

I took mum to the Lakes this weekend for a break from reality. It’s been a year since we went anywhere and oddly we went to the lakes last year too.

If there’s something I’ve realised recently is how little we talk about how we feel. Very British. My brother is the odd one out. He’s very happy to talk about how he feels and his openness and honesty about his emotions is refreshing and is probably going to keep him sane and grounded. He’s had some crap of his own to deal with in the last year so I’m glad he’s coping ok with Dad’s departure.

I’m not sure about mum though. She’s always quilted and so is going to more quilting sessions with her groups of friends, and has taken up swimming as someone invited her. I’m glad she’s getting out. But she’s definitely keeping herself busy for being busy’s sake. Is avoidance the right way to deal with grief?

They had their house for sale and were going on a once in a lifetime holiday. Obviously both of these things aren’t happening now, but mum is still emptying the house as a means of being busy. I know getting rid of stuff is therapeutic – I do it too – but is it too soon to be throwing his things away?

We had a good weekend in the Lakes. Lots of walks, food and hugs with my dog. But I’m not sure mum is confronting how she feels. She never talks about it even when I start a conversation about it. Beyond her comments saying she doesn’t understand why it happened. I don’t want her to spiral down into a pit of sadness, but it can’t be good to not accept the moments of grief?

I expected after our memorial service for dad to have it hit me. Especially as I’d been busy with the admin (no-one tells you the first stage of grief is admin).

But I’ve been ok. Tears occasionally and I’ve let them.

I had a moment ironing last week when it occurred to me that when mum called me that night to say he hadn’t come home, my first thought was that he’d gone somewhere to be alone. That he was in despair.

I’m in a mountain rescue team so we’ve dealt with our fair share of ‘despondents’ and for some reason I instinctively decided dad must be in that category and thought of all the places people in that frame of mind go to when they feel like that. Deep down I must have known it was a possibility for my dad. I’ve found that hard to deal with.

Initially, my first thought was that I felt bad for not calling him that morning when I’d promised I would. Now I feel bad for a lifetime of not being there for him. For knowing killing himself (god it feels awful to write that but I must) was a possibility. But if I knew it subconsciously why didn’t I do anything?

So I wonder if I have moments like this, of feeling complicated things and being sad, how mum is really coping and how I get her to really talk about it, to be able to move past it.

I also find it difficult that she’s taken the decision to not tell the truth to pretty much everyone. It’s an awful thing to talk about but surely doing so helps? It has to help others too?

I have friends who know, so I have people to talk to. But I’ve always been a bit closed about my emotions with people, so just being able to write this helps.

I promise to lighten up soon, and share some of my knitting x