“We never get over great losses; we absorb them and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures.”
~Gail Gladwell
I believe we all have weaknesses. Mine has always been dealing with loss, in multiple forms.
Many months ago I decided one way in which to become more comfortable with loss, was to meet it more closely, to step into my discomfort and uncertainty.
In April I completed training to become a hospice volunteer. Why hospice? I wanted to celebrate life as much as honoring imminent transition. I wanted to be present where life matters most, which is when it is ending; when one comes face to face with their loves and their losses.
Five short months in, I already see life and people atypically. I see intimacy and compassion in entirely different lights. Holding the hand of a fellow human being facing their earthly demise, can be oddly comforting and awakening… less frightening than death in the abstract. Even while losing their life I have seen, first hand, individuals who still radiate their humanness.
I (I say I though it is actually a team) have already witnessed the mortality of three beautiful lives. Yes, I have shed tears of loss and of joy, the latter for freedom that has been long sought. I recognize that I have been privy to new beginnings as well as endings.
As a volunteer, simply being present, relieving some of the pressures on families and hospice staff, yields a rare tranquility. In hospice, death (and loss) is what unites all those there. In this space I am growing more humbled by human beings propped up in chairs or in beds, who have more dignity than I have ever mustered. There is definitely a dignity of spirit that overcomes the indignity of helplessness.
It may sound odd, yet for me, life can seem equally real in a hospice setting as it does in our ever-busy lives.
This post’s stream of consciousness may read as disjointed. Yet, what I am learning is that loss, while immensely challenging, can be tempered when we welcome love and caring into all relationships, as fleeting as they can be.
If you are interested in further realizing what really matters, you may give consideration to these three meaningful actions:
Family, friends, and loved ones are what truly matter. Create (more?) time to nurture those relationships. Being busy is fine, as long as we’re busy with people who mean much to us.
Peer inward and pay attention to what your heart and soul are trying to tell you. Listening can often yield truth… and boundless gratitude.
Help others without expecting anything return. You need not be partial while helping them. Humankind appreciates big and small gestures.
Six words. Softly uttered. They haunt me. And perhaps they always will.
Being human, as fleeting as it is, can be painful.
It can also be and often is, joyful.
Deeply though… between listening, being, learning, and loving, it is learning that I find challenging.
Yet it is those teachings that yield growth.
For me, there is heightened awareness that being fully vulnerable and pledged in deep connections is how we are increasingly nourished. However, it takes mutual intention.
Some of us yearn to be in relationships, be they platonic, romantic or friendships. What I believe many of us do not grasp, is how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with one’s self.
Forgiveness is kind and liberating. I have forgiven.
Our secular time is quite finite. Now, in this limited presence, I realize that I am love. I will never doubt the way in which I express and share love, as it is eternal.
As I fan newfound embers, I am increasingly warmed and grateful for many lessons.
“True contentment is not having everything, but in being satisfied with everything you have.”
~Oscar Wilde
Contentment, as defined by one online source, “is an emotional state that can be seen as a mental state drawn from being at ease in one’s situation, body and mind.”
For better or worse, I believe that many of us (due to myriad influences) often seek, need and/or want more. Sometimes, much more. Such desires have simply been instilled in us. Or, perhaps, born out of genuine necessity. I am neither condoning such life choices nor am I judging. I think I’m proffering reality.
Personally, I like to think of happiness as the whipped cream and cherry that rest atop a sundae. Whereas, contentedness is the sundae. Contentedness, I believe, can be thought of as satisfaction with every facet of one’s life, not just the moments of happiness that we occasionally (or often) experience. Case in point: I suspect many of us know people who have been thrilled with a new acquisition or purchase, even while they’re not content with their life. A relevant question to ponder could be: How do we shift from feeling moments of happiness to actualizing contentedness?
I don’t have the answer here. However, I can comfortably share that I am (finally) content with my life. I take in all of it! Within my states of contentment is the capacity to embrace who I am in the moment; to realize and welcome both the process and the quiet transitions. Happiness and contentedness are not always mutually exclusive. We can simultaneously feel extremely happy while shifting into an unmistakable feeling of contentedness.
So ask yourself this: how often do you spare a minute to just sit back, relax, and be grateful for all that you have achieved? Yes, you can accept the present and still wish for a better future. Contentment only means to be at peace with the present, not complacent. Contentment can also help us to distinguish between wants and needs. When we are content, we may no longer desire for anything more than what we needed.
Contentment frequently points to the realization that happiness doesn’t always come from material things. Instead, that feeling, that delight comes from much deeper within.
Perhaps little new here, yet, if you are interested in consciously cultivating contentment in your life, you may want to consider these three (of many other) choices:
Be present, fully present. Show people you appreciate them. Offer kind words and actions to augment your emotional bank account. The more you put out in the world for others, the more you receive in return.
Get Outside. If you seem so busy that you cannot focus on the amazing blessings in your life, then get outside. Go for a walk. Take a hike. Get out in the water. See and appreciate the vastness of nature.
Be grateful. Practicing gratitude boosts your mood. It’s a normal emotion that everyone experiences. Yet, many people don’t express gratitude because they believe that they deserve everything that happens to them. Choose to be thankful for all the good that accrues to you. And welcome contentment. 🙂
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”
~Rabindranath Tagore
I believe there are times in our lives when we know what we’re cut out to be. To do. A question that often accompanies such a perceived knowing is: How then do we act upon that insight?
In my case, I have long been in service to others. Sometimes intentionally, other times without realizing what I am doing. They have simply been deeds that arise spontaneously.
I acknowledge this not to exult. Many know me to be a fairly modest guy. Yet, within that humility exists a being who has a plausible confidence in his calling or perhaps, purpose. And to me, my purpose is forever.
Having people believe in me at earlier life stages definitely contributed to my present ability to support, sometimes positively influence, others. For me this caring can represent hope. And when my purpose aligns with my core values (as I believe it ought to), I possess even greater strength in which to take action. To be of service to others.
I used to believe that it was my duty to always help others, until I experienced how literally draining that can be. When I chose to reframe serving others as: I can only do my sometimes small part, acts of service became both more manageable and meaningful. I get that service is an activity done for others. For me, when I share, comfort, and cooperate, I remain aware that it’s not about me or how I can gain. It’s about how my acts positively affect another.
Some time ago I learned (and accepted) that I/we cannot fix everything. And it’s not our obligation to rescue anyone. Yet showing kindness, being empathetic, giving people your attention, touching someone’s heart, making them feel loved… may (and often will) yield long-lasting effects… for me, for you, and for those whom we serve.
Choosing to be in/of service is not for everyone, although I strongly believe it ought to be. Why? Because we are all connected. I wrote about connections years ago. Here’s a link to that post if you’re interested in an interrelated view. I also believe that some of us care about how our actions have indelible (and sometimes, forever grateful) impact for others.
In serving we have the privilege of building, living consciously, and creating awareness of what is within us. If the prospect of being in/of service to others intrigues, I invite you to reflect on these three perspectives:
Your actions need not be big. Consider mentoring, giving personal advice, sharing practical experience, inspiring someone with simple decency, contributing time or money to a worthy cause/organization, listening (one of my favorite acts), or growing more comfortable extending love toward others.
Many people just don’t want to burden someone. Yet we feel more connected to the person we serve than if we didn’t serve them. You can actually bond more through allowing people to serve you and serving people. Remember, we’re all in this together. 🙂
People remember how you made them feel more than what you did. Look in the mirror and ask: Am I doing enough?
“We mustn’t withdraw from human interaction because it can be difficult. It keeps us grounded and helps us to grow through real and challenging situations. We do not need to decide which community to belong to. We just live life to the best of our ability and follow our interests and we will find ourselves within a community of people perfect for our growth.”
~Donna Goddard
Children, even teenagers, know the dreaded words “you’re grounded.” It is a form of punishment which often does not work.
Viewed through another lens, Oxford Dictionary defines grounded as: “Well balanced and admirably sensible; mentally and emotionally stable.” Grounding is basically balancing out the spiritual and physical energy in your body, by connecting yourself with the earth. When you are grounded, you feel like you are here, in the physical, in the present. To be grounded gives your energy a point of steadiness and you will feel clear, centered, strong and focused.
Life can be increasingly chaotic in today’s environments. And it can be challenging to grasp and navigate chaos when we’re feeling stressed, lost or dispersed. While it can be easy to say, ‘I’ve got this,’ successfully managing disharmony can prove elusive. Fair statements?
There’s a reason I chose the short opening video. For years, my image of being grounded conjures beds of sea kelp. In as much as the kelp are firmly embedded in an ocean’s floor, they sway with ease. Even strong currents do not uproot the seaweed. They are essentially uninfluenced by the forces that produce effects on their actions. They flow. Pretty cool metaphor, thinks the author. 🙂
As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I pick up on emotions from people and their surroundings. I have found that if I am grounded, I can feel centered and balanced, regardless of what is happening around me or them. If/when I am present with intense emotions, grounding can help to summon bits of what I may have not previously considered.
Many of us are familiar with mindfulness exercise. It ought not be surprising that one facet of mindfulness is grounding. Being grounded can help if your mind often drifts into the past or future as you engage in mindfulness practice.
Yes, there have been countless blog posts, books, podcasts, articles, white papers, etc., on the merits of being grounded. Little new here, readers. I am simply surfacing the topic again, as I believe there is value in how grounding can benefit each of us.
If the prospect of becoming grounded, or perhaps more so, resonates, you may try any or each of these easy considerations:
Be in and appreciate nature. Walk barefoot outside, feel the breeze, grass or the sand between your toes. Leisurely nature walks are healthy and can help to ground you.
Practice grounding meditation to feel physically connected to the ground, anchoring your breath to more closely connect with nature.
Invite someone who seeks grounding to place two solid hands on your shoulders (or conversely you can place your hands on them) to help steady and keep them rooted in reality.
What follows originally posted 7.5 years ago. The message then was compelling as change in my life, and perhaps yours, was approaching. Good change. And while the time that has elapsed since that first posting doesn’t match a 17-year cicada cycle, 91 months later I find myself ‘here’ again. Keenly facing another threshold.
This time, however, what I sense emerging is more gradual. Visualize, if you will, a slow dance. An annual floral blooming. A long awaited and much anticipated metamorphosis. Put simply, grace presenting.
This has been a long time coming. For much of my adult life I have sought what I now understand is slowly being revealed. Across generational cohorts, I believe many of us doubt. We wonder. We yearn. And sometimes, just sometimes, we get what we want. And need, when we least expect it. This is a beauty in grace.
While one’s personal experiences may not seem life changing to you, the impending possibilities to intentionally give more of myself to others, to grow into greater peace, to experience more joy, excites me. Why? Because connecting with the beauty of our ‘present’ life has long-eluded me. Disappointingly, I have never been able to really live life whole heartedly. But it’s coming. I am sensing it.
With unconditional support from three wonderful people (a sibling, a dear friend, and my therapist), I have been listening actively. I am inviting mindful shifts and acknowledging greater acceptance for self which in turn, is slowly allowing self-love to seep into my core. A core that has been measurably void of this vital sustenance. What is oozing in feels powerful.
Okay. This may be confusing, perhaps a tad heavy. Yet, if some of what I am sharing resonates, then what follows in the original post might be worth considering. In any case, I am having fun. The prospects of living lighter, embracing humaneness, and being more at peace, are spaces to which I aspire. Intuition tells me this is both worth waiting for and welcome.
 “We fear our intuitions because we fear the transformational power within our revelations.”~ Carolyn Myss
It is documented that dogs have the ability to accurately sense five things: earthquakes, storms, illness, seizures and labor in pregnant women. Having read this I wonder whether dogs know they have these perceiving qualities?
Have you ever sensed you were/are on the verge of something big; something radically different or new? How did that sense make you feel? Invigorated, excited, hesitant, perhaps fearful? I pose these questions as I know I am on the verge of significant life changes. I sense this because I trust my intuition – that inner voice that just knows. This isn’t precognition, clairvoyance, psychic ability or impulse. It’s simply knowing that even in uncertainty, there is vision associated with a new direction and imminent change.
Some people live for these moments. Others dread them. And there may be an indifferent lot as well. I’m one of the former. When my intuition strongly signals something, I know it’s right and the underlying choices often become strangely easy. It feels healthy; it feels good; it doesn’t feel like I’m forcing anything, there’s not a lot of conflict.
Of all the reasons for people to consider using their gut instincts to make big decisions, this may be the best: It frequently leads to choices and outcomes that are fulfilling; decisions that can improve the quality and trajectory of one’s life.
If/when you feel you are on the verge of something life changing or perhaps less significant, here are three considerations that may help:
Honor your intuition. Honoring your true self takes great courage. It may not be easy in the short-term to act on what you sense, but what price do you pay by not listening to it? Trust that nothing is revealed to you intuitively if it is not in your highest interest, even if that means making tough choices in your life. However intuition serves you, it is always in service of your well-being.
Value time alone. As you travel the path of intuition, and leave behind aspects of yourself and life that no longer fit, you will need time to be with yourself to help stay grounded in your transition and transformation. Time alone will help to integrate new learning and provide guidance along your way. It will also support you to become comfortable without dependencies on other’s approval.
Take in only what is nourishing. We frequently ignore our inner voice that is continuously providing guidance. We fear what it has to say. Listening to it might strengthen the courage for confrontation or challenge, or leave us with a sense of guilt for not doing so. It’s your voice! You have the ability to listen objectively and absorb what it’s saying compassionately.
“Just like science, there must be other kinds of sensations which haven’t yet been felt by the human heart at all.” ~ Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut
Brief backstory: I was running late for an appointment. With construction going on in our residential garage my car had, overnight, been relocated to an outdoor parking space…. under tall trees, where iguanas bask in the sun and seek natural heat from the surroundings. Like mammals, reptiles also relieve themselves. And we’re not talking bird droppings. Keep in mind that green iguanas can grow up to 5-6 feet long. Suffice it to say that (putting it mildly) I was displeased to find iguana guano aimlessly deposited across the roof, hood, and windshield of my car. Abundant doo doo. But I had an appointment to make.
Upon arrival, my therapist sensed a gnarly client. Not surprisingly, this author’s mindset framed our conversation’s next 50 minutes which now, more tastefully, yields to this post’s focus.
Antonio Damasio, Chair of the University of Iowa’s Neurology Department since 1986, has amassed one of the world’s largest databases which informs his understanding of how emotions and feelings arise and how they affect our mental state. A main difference between our thoughts and feelings is that thoughts are our ideas, perceptions, or opinions about the world around us, whereas feelings are our reactions to emotions or sensations. Both are two mental associations that are very close to our lives.
This may not be news to you.
Clearly though, I reacted to what the iguanas had done. Wouldn’t you? Yet, my initial feelings of disbelief and frustration soon (well, after my session and a car wash) morphed into laughter and amusement. Being a fairly resilient guy, I had little desire to sit too long with adverse emotions.
A wonderful friend recently suggested I not bypass dealing with my feelings. I get the value in doing this and I am committed to putting it into practice more frequently. However, this can be intimidating for some, perhaps many, people. Sure there are countless books, lectures, and podcasts that espouse ways in which to process one’s feelings. Yet, over time, many who write or speak these solutions often overlap and/or echo one another.
I am neither an expert nor a wellness professional. I am simply a member of this amazing WordPress community who has had issues (and still engages) with my mental health. As has been my posting model for years, I invite you to contemplate these three considerations, should feelings be on your mind.
There is no correct way to feel your emotions. You may cry for a bit then feel fine. Or you may course through several feelings at the same time and find yourself laughing several minutes later. Learning to ‘be’ with your feelings take practice. And a little patience, too. 🙂
Feeling our feelings can only be transformational when we’re willing to discover something fresh, such as compassion for the person or situation with which we are angry. You don’t need to know what you’re trying to discover ahead of time, you simply need to open to allowing the feeling to take you somewhere. Think: surprise excursion.
Many of life’s meaningful experiences are quite painful. Yet age and wisdom teach us that while negative events are inevitable, negative feelings are often fleeting unless we choose to hang on to them. Consider getting a head start on feeling well, not by avoiding feelings but merely choosing to let feelings pass through you. This is desirable and doable.
It has been a deep slumber. I hadn’t anticipated it being for such a protracted period. But I am committing to coming back. To thrive in life requires it.
Sometimes we can be our own catalyst. Other times we are forced to shift by circumstances. And even less frequently (at least from my personal experiences), we are gifted by the presence of someone entering our orbit with no motives, no disposition to effect change upon us.
While not recognizing it at the time (or over time), have you ever lost track of moments; lost focus of meaningful experiences or; lost out on life’s simple (and complex) pleasures?
Such are spaces from which some of us are fortunate to re-emerge. It was not my intention to hibernate, though some people do that, here in Florida, for winters. I simply stumbled into a hole.
Then, someone entered my life, Someone who, unknowingly, encouraged me to rethink what I had let slip through life’s fingers. They unintentionally renewed my love for life; they roused anew my desire to laugh and; they stirred my craving to experience joy.
The challenge in this newfound state, is to bring it to full fruition… and how to revive the delighting in one’s senses.
I am open to submitting to (and embracing) these possibilities. Concurrently, I would love to learn from those of you who have traveled similar paths. What seems easy on the surface, isn’t always.
Thank you, in advance, for sharing your experiences, thoughts, and/or suggestions. At this stage, I am an appreciative and welcoming sponge. 🙂
It has been three plus years since my last post. There have been innumerable life events during my hiatus. Some have been amazing and welcomed while others have been challenging.
What I have come to realize, repeatedly, is that I miss the WordPress community. The robust interactions I once enjoyed here, now seem distant. Changes have been made to the WordPress platform such that I am even a bit hesitant to simply craft a post.Â
I am unsure if I have the motivation, or the content, to resume regular posting. The desire is there; I think I simply need a kick in the backside. This and a refresher on how to properly format a post. 🙂Â
There are many of you who have read and appreciably shared your thoughts about my past messages. That interaction has always been and remains genuinely important to me. And I thank you!
There is also an ulterior motive with this post. I want to introduce our community to a blogger who I have followed for years. It is his heartfelt, unvarnished shares that has kept me reading and commenting on his remarkable life journey. I wish I could write with his clarity, emotion, and authenticity.
Eric Tonningsen's Awakening to Awareness 