Welcome to my blog…really glad to have you here! Here I chronicle my journey to have a child. I am writing it to remind myself of the details of the journey, to solicit support and to hopefully provide support to others on a similar journey. Some of the content may be graphic and probably too much information, so be warned and read at your own risk 🙂
LH Surged!
29 Nov 2010 2 Comments
in IUI, Tests Tags: IUI, ovulation
So, apologies for the late post, but things have been hectic the last few days.
On Wednesday 11/24 at 1pm, my LH surge test showed positive. I could hardly believe my eyes! I was scheduled to ovulate on Thursday 11/25 (yes, that would be Thanksgiving here in the US!) and so I was expecting the surge by the middle of Tuesday at the latest. When it didn’t happen on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning, my spirits had started to fall. So imagine my joy and surprise when the test showed the surge at 1pm!
One might ask how it is that I tested both in the morning and in the afternoon – and well, that would be a valid question, as the test instructions say to test once a day. But see here…I have been known to be slightly OCD at times…and so in the name of fail-safe tests and extra caution, I bought 2 different brand tests (Clueblue Easy and First Response), at 2 different times, from 2 different stores…and then I tested at 2 different times in the day, once first thing upon waking and once at midday. I even set a reminder on my calendar! I was starting to gear up to 3 tests a day, just to be even safer. No way was I going to miss my LH surge!
In retrospect, my OCD-ness turned out to be a good thing, because while I showed a surge at 1pm, by 9pm there was no more surge. That 9pm test was at the insistence of my hubby, “for the sake of science”, he said. What it showed me was that I have a very small window to pick up my surge, which is probably why I didn’t pick it up last month.
I’m ashamed to say that I then proceeded to fish the old tests out of the trash, to compare the results and then even took pictures of the tests! A moment for prosperity! What relief…what joy that my body was normal!
Earlier that morning hubby called Shady Grove and left a message to ask what should we do if I didn’t surge. No one called us back. Then when I had the surge at 1pm, I called and left a message again, saying I needed to come in the next day, Thanksgiving, for the IUI procedure. By 3pm no one had called us back. I started panicking because while I knew they were open on Thanksgiving morning, they were closing at 4pm on Wednesday and I needed to make sure the procedure was booked for the next morning. I couldn’t afford to miss this cycle! My dear hubby then did the sweetest thing – he jumped in the car and drove to Shady Grove to make sure he spoke with someone. I love that man so much, words fail me.
My IUI procedure was booked for 8:30am Thursday morning 🙂
Wednesday night, Thanksgiving Eve, passed in a haze of surreality. This really was happening…
LH Surge Testing Starts Again
21 Nov 2010 4 Comments
in IUI, Tests Tags: IUI, LH, ovulation
I began using the ovulation kit to test for LH surge (indicating ovulation within 48 hours) on Friday, day 8 of my cycle. The Shady Grove nurse said to start testing on day 10. The ovulation kit said to start when my period ends, which was Thursday. So I went with the more conservative advice. And started on Friday. In the name of even further conservatism, I’m using TWO ovulation kits, bought from different stores and different brands. That way I mitigate the risk of possible faulty tests. I can’t afford any mistakes with this.
Today is day 10 and there’s been no surge yet. That’s to be expected, as I should only see a surge on day 12 or so – which would be Tuesday.
If all goes to plan I should be inseminated on Wednesday or Thursday (Thanksgiving). I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing on Thanksgiving than conceiving my baby.
Crawling Out of the Pit
01 Nov 2010 3 Comments
If you saw my post yesterday, you would know that it was dark and despondent, full of “woe me”. Today I see a blog post from the Reverend of my church and it spoke to me, loud and clear.
In it, she speaks of “disgust at what I’ve become”. Oh yes…”disgust” is exactly what I’ve been feeling about myself…in the midst of my anguish and worry this weekend, there was this underlying, niggling feeling of disgust at my negativity. You see, I *know* on a deep level that the truth is “love and abundance for all” and this negativity is just a temporary illusion. I just felt a million miles away from the truth. So I was grateful for the reminder of her this morning, and of the truths she reminds me of.
She has this line she always says in service “may we be gentle in our brokenness“. The first time I heard that, tears came to my eyes, the message is so beautiful. I need to remember that…just be gentle with myself…no self-flagellation required.
The rest of her post is this:
“…you know, there is a way out. Through the heart in gratitude. Through the mind, in humility. Through the senses, in releasing the “drama of me” into the presence of wholeness.
When feeling that you are no good, just trust that you are wrong, and find a way to be kind or acknowledge beauty. You may not feel immediately better, but you’ll have begun to break the spell.”
Thank you Rev. Lisa, for the reminder of the truth and for pointing the way out of the pit. Your post broke the spell. Now, onward to feeling better.
Still No LH Surge
31 Oct 2010 1 Comment
That’s right, *still* no LH surge! Today is day 16 and still no LH surge. I normally get a stitch-like pain in my side, signaling ovulation and beyond some vague uncomfortableness around day 13, I haven’t had that either.
The strange arrogance-like confidence I mentioned before has disappeared too and I find myself in a dark, dark place. It’s really scary and lonely in here. I don’t feel like I can talk about it with anyone and so I bear this on my own, over this “happy” Halloween holiday…grrrr! Even my dear hubby, when I told him the latest status just looked at me blankly and said “everything will be fine”. That’s the last thing I want to hear, when clearly something is wrong!
Of course I could be doing this all to myself, couldn’t I…stressing about it so much, that’s it’s affecting my cycle. Because that’s not unheard of, when it comes to stress and my cycle. But it’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? The more I stress, the more I tell myself not to, the more I can’t stop and the more I stress. Result! Messed up cycle!
Of course, it could also be that I started testing too late in my cycle (day 12), who the *bleep* knows!
I’m really NOT in a good place! All I wanna do is take a sleeping pill and sleep until this nightmare is over. I certainly don’t want to be “celebrating” Halloween, not able to have any of the goodies and candy because I’m trying to lose weight so I can be inseminated when I don’t even appear to be ovulating!!! And because I’m stressing, I just want to *pig* out on goodies…and I can’t.
Oh, did I mention I’m really in a bad place right now?!
Clearblue Easy Digital Ovulation Test
29 Oct 2010 1 Comment
in IUI, Tests Tags: LH, ovulation
This is the test I am using to predict when I’m fertile – the Clearblue Easy Digital Ovulation Test (*great* website, by the way!). I had Amazon deliver it to me for an affordable $40-ish (no shipping charge as I have Amazon Prime). It might be cheaper in the stores, not sure, but I loved the convenience of Amazon delivering. No hassle.
Another reason I liked this particular test is because each test strip is individually wrapped. There are 20 in the pack. On other tests I have seen, they put all the strips in one bag and once opened you have to use them within a month. Which is annoying, because I doubt I’ll use all 20 strips in a month. I had to throw the last pack away, without ever using it, because I opened it up “just to look” and never ended up using them.
I read up a little more online and the advice is to test mid-afternoon as your body releases LH in the morning. And come to think of it, I now remember Shady Grove telling me that too. So I’ll be retesting in a few more hours.
See that little smiley face on the window? That’s what I want. For the last 3 days it’s been an empty round circle. So chant with me…”little smiley face”, “little smiley face”, “little smiley face”….
No LH Surging
29 Oct 2010 7 Comments
in IUI, Tests Tags: IUI, LH, weight gain
No LH surge this morning :-(. Still not panicking, but a little concerned – today is day 14.
But wait! As I’m writing this, I’m calculating in my head…perhaps today is day 13, not 14…dammit…I need my calendar!
I saved this post in draft to go double check my calendar. It’s definitely day 14 today. Ok…”breath”…I’m telling myself…”nothing to worry about just yet”….
Please cross all your fingers and your toes for me.
In other news, I’ve been taking an antibiotic since Sunday for my HSG test that was this last Monday. Saturday night is my last pill. I swear it’s increasing my appetite and making me gain weight! Does anyone know whether this is a side effect? I’ve gained about 3 lbs in the past week and this while working out and sticking to a low carb diet. The same game plan that’s previously helped me lose 35 lbs. And now suddenly I’m gaining? Something’s up. Not happy about this :-(. That’s another thing adding to my worry. I have to be a maximum BMI of 43, otherwise they won’t do the insemination. And with scale variations to account for and to give myself wiggle room, I really cannot afford to gain any more.
Working myself into more worry….gonna stop writing now.
Please cross all fingers and all toes and anything else you can cross. I need all the good luck I can get. Thanks.
Ovulation LH Testing
29 Oct 2010 Leave a comment
in IUI, Tests Tags: LH, ovulation
I’m nearing the 14th day of my cycle (tomorrow, Friday 10/29) and according to the “natural IUI cycle”, which is what we’re doing, I should be testing my urine every day to figure out when there is a LH surge, indicating ovulation and highest fertility. Although my actual IUI cycle is only next month, I decided to test for LH this month too, to make sure I know what to do and feel comfortable with the process for when it’s most important.
By the way, a “natural IUI cycle” is when there are no drugs used to enhance fertility and no minute monitoring of my cycle. It’s pretty amazing to what lengths they can go to, to help woman have babies, you know! If they were monitoring my cycle, there would be almost daily blood tests to test hormonal changes and ultrasounds to check follicle growth and finally releasing of the egg, signally supposedly ideal conditions for insemination.
But we’re not doing any of that. Just a regular cycle, no drugs, with me doing urine ovulation tests every day. When my LH levels spike, they do the insemination. If that doesn’t work, we’ll reassess.
So I tested yesterday and today. After going through the gross peeing into a cup (eeeewwww) and figuring out how the test device works, nothing, nada. Just normal levels. A simple O on the digital reading. No smiley face :-(. Heck, at least it wasn’t a frown on the device! Because as much as that would be clever and amusing, it would probably be hurtful too.
I’m not panicking yet, though. My actual ovulation day is only tomorrow, or it should be anyway. So, we’ll see how it goes tomorrow morning and Saturday morning.
In the meantime Hubby’s been “getting some”, you know, just in case the little buggers manage to find their way through the vasectomy scar tissue to a welcoming girly egg ;-).
Fallopian Tubes & Uterus A-OK
25 Oct 2010 5 Comments
The HSG test went just fine.
My uterus is fine – no growths and a normal shape. My fallopian tubes are fine – no blockages. The physician said I was a prime candidate for IUI. The test itself produced no pain whatsoever, in spite of being warned that there would be cramps, possibly severe ones and being told afterward that one woman screamed in agony. I must be one tough cookie, because I felt absolutely no pain and very little sensation. The most “painful” part was the waiting for the test itself and the uncertainty of how painful it might be.
So that is just joyful news! 🙂
HSG Today
25 Oct 2010 Leave a comment
My HSG test is today. They will insert a catheter like thingie into my vagina, push through the tiny opening of the cervix and into the womb, inserting dye. The dye is supposed to flow into my fallopian tubes and out into my abdominal cavity. Then they take an xray to see what’s up. They will tell us the results then.
I’m scared. Of the results, but mainly of the procedure itself. My stomach is sore from nerves already :-(.
Cleared to Proceed
22 Oct 2010 4 Comments
in IUI, Tests Tags: counseling, donor sperm, IUI, kids
The prognosis from yesterday’s counseling session is “cleared to proceed”. That means we passed the invisible test and can continue on our sperm donation and IUI journey. Yaahaa!
Actually, it was a great session. The counselor was really sweet and knowledgeable and we felt an instant connection with her. The session allowed me to realize just how much thought and preparation we’ve put into this and just how far we’ve come. For every question she had for us, we either had a fully worked out answer or were deep into the process and making good headway. I left feeling oh so prepared for this journey. Oh, and I had a good cry over the heartbreak we’ve already been through, which is always a good thing.
One thing I was still struggling with is as much as we want to be open about this, we also want to be able to tell the child about where he/she comes from when we feel it’s appropriate to, not when our friends and family might inadvertently let it slip. I feel at peace around this for the adults in my life, but not so much for my step-kids and other family kids. My step-kids are 9 and 11 and as much as they really want a baby in the family, kids can be cruel and I’d hate for the baby’s life story to be used as a weapon against the child in some silly bickering session. So I’m torn about when to tell my step-kids. Definitely nothing until I’m pregnant. But what then? They know their dad’s got medical issues and that’s why a baby hasn’t come yet. Do we lie and say a miracle happened. Or do we tell the truth from the beginning. I just hate lies…among other reasons, it’s way, way too much work keeping it all straight. Hubby’s not as torn about it as I am. He’s position is just be age-appropriately honest and it will all work out. You can tell he’s way more laissez-faire than I am!
So this was one thing I feel the counselor really helped with. She spoke about secrets and lying versus privacy and helped us work out how we could tell the kids upfront, but then explain about privacy and how we as parents wanted to tell the baby (or child at that point) ourselves and how they needed to respect that etc, etc. She said they were old enough to understand and to start making those distinctions and that she would send resource and book information to us. This was very, very helpful to me.
So all, in all, it was a great experience. Best of all, we’re “cleared to proceed”! (I’m really enjoying the military associations of that phrase 🙂 )
To The Womb & Back 