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Sometimes Being Out Is Hard…

November 23, 2009 by transadrian

I’m in my second year of a PhD program in mathematics.  This year, I start the process of finding a thesis adviser.  The search for an adviser in grad school is often likened to dating: the student first meets the professor by taking his class, thus having the opportunity to talk with him/her in a low-pressure situation.  The student then nervously asks the prof if he/she would like to do a private reading course the next term.  If the reading course goes well and student and prof hit it off, reading slowly morphs into research, and after several terms, the student musters the courage to pop  the question: will you be my adviser?  It’s a delicate dance.  When a prof and student don’t work out it can be for any number of reasons: the prof’s math doesn’t interest the student, the prof manages the student’s work too little or too much, or perhaps there’s just a clash of personalities.  If a student wants to work with a particular prof, it’s important to foster a good working relationship from the very beginning.

So here’s where I’m at: I’ve found a professor who I can see myself working with in the long term.  He does interesting math and we get along.  He’s very old, maybe 80 or 82, and he’s eccentric to say the least.  He’s a genius who can’t attach things to emails.  He drinks nothing but grape Crush.  And he happens to have read me as male upon first meeting me.  In fact, I recognized right off the bat that he was chummier with me than his female student, who was a friend of mine.  He felt free to tell certain stories to me that he wouldn’t disclose to her, for instance.  And he made an assumption, however subconscious, that I was a good mathematician.  I didn’t have to prove a damn thing for him to think that; he just assumed it was so.  Being a woman in math is different: once you show that you are indeed as good as your male counterparts, you are generally accepted as an equal.  But as a default, many profs are skeptical of women at first.  It’s an incredibly subtle trend in math, and unless you’d experienced it you’d probably think it was imagined or exaggerated.  But this professor treated me differently than he would have if he’d thought I was female, I am sure of it.  It felt a little slimy, but I must admit it was nice to feel that privilege.

I’ve been working with this professor now for only a couple weeks.  Last night, one of his other students told me that he had heard that my “real” name was Anna.  He was confused and asked her if it was true. Bless her, she said, “No, his name’s Adrian.  And why are you asking me instead of him?”  Oh fuck.  My secret is threatening to burst out of the closet!  I have never been stealth to anyone before, and it’s never seemed to matter.  But now, I want him to continue to think I’m a boy, because that gets my foot in the door.  If I worked with him for six months and gave him evidence that I really am good at math, then my trans status would probably be a non-issue.  I don’t know if it will be an issue as it stands, but I am so scared that it will deter him from working with me further.  This is the first time that being trans has threatened to negatively impact my career.  It’s easy to be out and proud and appear brave and confident when you’re not the one targeted for discrimination.  Now that I might be (and I don’t even know if I will be) that target, I am desperately pulling the closet doors shut!

I’m hoping for the best but damn, am I scared shitless.

Posted in Coming Out, Social Ramifications, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Overdue T Update

November 23, 2009 by transadrian

Hi all – I’ve been totally slacking on updating this site.  Sorry!  I’m now in the middle of my sixth month on T.  Gosh, that is hard to believe!  About a month ago I went back to my endo to talk about the benefits of injections over creams.  He previously had me on 1/4 teaspoon of the 5% testosterone cream daily.  I’d heard from a few friends that the creams work slower than the injections, and I’d noticed that my results were occurring at a somewhat slower rate than the transguys I knew on injections.  My endo confirmed the rumor that the cream works slower, and started me that day on injections, 100mL once a week.  The nurse taught me how to do it at that visit, and I’ve been injecting myself every Tuesday morning since.

Results: zits!  I have some acne on my face now 😦  But, my voice has dropped to a recognizably male range, albeit somewhat androgynous still.  Also, I’m growing hair!  Lots of hair.  My legs are turning into hairy masses.  The hair on my arms is definitely thicker but it’s also constantly getting bleached by sun, so it’s not noticeably darker.  The hair on my face is growing in consistently but is still thin and light in color.  It definitely won’t look like “good” facial hair for some time.  Besides the hair and voice and zits, I have an insane libido.  And strangely, porn is more appealing now than it has ever been.  Pre-T I never watched porn, but now it’s a semi-regular event.  Along with libido I still have noticed an increase in my physical energy.  Sadly, I haven’t had time in my schedule to be a regular at the weight room, but my running has really improved over the last few months.  I ran AIDS Run, a 10K, in October, and came in 14th out of 120 among the 20-29 year old females (I was registered as female because my license still had female on it).  It was my first 10K, and I know I would have done much worse if it weren’t for the T.

Thanks to being on hormones, I was also able to change the gender marker on my California license to male!  I made a stop at the DMV after legally changing my name two weeks ago.  It’s a huge relief to finally have an ID that looks like me and has my chosen name on it!  Hooray!

Posted in testosterone, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Ghost Boy

September 10, 2009 by transadrian

It’s been getting harder to post on a regular basis.  It’s not that things have stopped happening, or that transition is not in my thoughts and in my life, but the feelings and ideas are fleeting and unfocused.  Some of the experiences I’ve had lately are too personal to share here, so I’ve been trying to decide if and how I want to write about the last couple of months.  I will say for now that I’ve been having a lot of interesting dating experiences, but as for details…we’ll see 🙂

The impetus for writing tonight is that I’m again in Minnesota.  I came out because my parents asked me to, and I think it will make my transition easier for them if they can physically see me as often as possible as testosterone takes hold.  This visit has been short but charged, and as I come to the end of it I am emotionally drained.  The situation with my parents has remained a frustrating stalemate; this entire visit, I did not bring up transition and neither did they.  Obviously, however, I have begun to change.  My voice is deeper.  I’m shaving.  My physique has begun to take a slightly more male shape.  I eat differently.  And yet, we don’t talk about it.  They do not use my chosen name nor the correct pronoun.  I do not expect that they will stop calling me Anna anytime soon, but the silence, the denial, is unbearable.  I am their son but they see nothing but a troubled daughter.  And yet, I have no wish to stop speaking with them.  They do so many wonderful things for me, and love me in such quirky, unforgettable ways, that there is no way to turn my back, nor would I ever have any desire to.

Me and one of my best friends from high school went out for ice cream on Tuesday night.  We have been close for years, but we’ve always been different kinds of people.  As time has passed, our paths have diverged.  She is the picture of femininity, and although she is a successful, smart woman, she desires nothing more in life than a solid, professional career (to which she is well on her way) and a heterosexual family of her own.  Perhaps the most striking part about her is how very much she knows what she wants; I am not nearly so certain, and prefer to leap off cliffs and wander aimlessly in order to find my way.  Although she knows I am trans and we talk about certain aspects of it, I can tell she does not want to hear any more than is absolutely necessary for the conversation.  She is the only person outside my family who still uses my birth name.  Each time we hang out, I wonder how long our fragile bond can survive.  We are so very, very different, and that fact is becoming impossible to ignore.

Tonight was my last night in Minnesota, and I spent it with a transmale friend of mine seeing an incredible duo, Coyote Grace.  They’re partners, Joe and Ingrid, and Joe is trans.  The music is acoustic, with Joe on guitar and Ingrid on double bass, both doing vocals.  I’m not usually into this kind of music, but Coyote Grace moved me beyond words.  Joe’s voice said so much of what we all feel, and it was the first time I had ever heard it put to music or poetry.  The audience was filled with transpeople and their partners and friends.  Sitting there listening made me feel, for the first time, grateful to be trans.  How else could I see all that there is to see on this unbelievable path?  What better way to live than to experience being two distinct people who are connected on some deep and complex level?  I am trans.  I am fucking absolutely and undeniably trans.

Posted in relationships, Transition | Leave a Comment »

A Long Overdue Update

August 17, 2009 by transadrian

It’s been two and a half months since I started taking testosterone.  Each dose reaffirms that this decision was indeed the right one for me.  My body feels balanced and aligned.  Since the last time I posted about T, I’ve continued to notice many of the same changes.  My running continues to improve daily.  Whereas I was previously a slow 2-3 mile running, maybe three times a week, I’m now a 4-6 mile running, five or six times a week.  Cycling has also improved; I can climb hills much more efficiently than before.  Part of the athletic improvement may be related to the weight loss I’ve experienced.  Since starting, I’ve dropped 10 pounds and 2 pants sizes.  Now I’m thinning out of my new 32-inch waisted pants.  Interestingly, I feel like I’m eating a lot, just differently.  My sweet tooth is still absent, so I’ve been eating sugar only occasionally the last few weeks.  I’ve been downing nuts, eggs, and beef like there’s no tomorrow, and I seem to always be hungry.  I can tell that muscle is developing all over; last week I suddenly had defined triceps, even though I haven’t been lifting of late.

Facial hair has started to come in, although it’s fair in color.  I’ve decided it’s enough to justify shaving about once a week.  So far I’ve only got sideburns and mustache hair, neither of which I intend to grow in until it looks decent.  Other hair has started to grow here and there, mostly on my stomach and thighs.

My voice has been cracky and adolescent of late.  Last week I was teaching a class, cleared my throat mid-sentence, and my voice dropped a couple notches.  I’m thinking about spreading the rumor to my students that I’m a fourteen-year-old prodigy.  My Superman lunchbox should be helpful in making that plausible.

I’ve noticed irritability and directness.  Little things sometimes set me off these days, especially when I’m hungry.  The fortunate thing about “hanger” is that it’s predictable and has a cure, so I’ve been doing my best to keep it in check.

Ehhh, sex.  The sex drive has been insane.  And, my attractions are very, very strong in the male direction lately.  To my delight and surprise, I’ve been passing as male to men in gay bars for the last couple of weeks.  I don’t know what it is: the voice, the change in physique, or just a change in confidence perhaps.  Whatever the reason, I’m finding it quite fun to be a young (and more to the point, young looking) gay man on the scene.  Men even buy me drinks in the bar!  Okay, some of them are just gross old trolls, but still.

Speaking of sex, soon I plan to post on the wacky adventures I’ve had relating to the so-called kink community, tranny chasers, and being a gay transman on the scene.  For now, a little testosterone update is all I have time to post, but I’ll be back soon.  Cheers.

Posted in testosterone, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

“You’re Not a Man until…”

August 5, 2009 by transadrian

I grew up with an older brother.  Ironically, he was much more timid than I was.  As a kid I was aggressive, physical, and strong.  Most of the time, I was chasing Ben, not the other way around.  I was a girl who could look out for herself.  Although this quality made me an all-star freak at the time, I later met many women who shared my toughness, mostly in the realm of martial arts.  I respected those women and learned that I liked that I could stand up for myself.  We were women warriors, facing a world made for men with our heads held high and our muscles and brains twitching with readiness.  Being such a woman, nothing was more infuriating, more demeaning, than men treating us like we were made of glass.  Men who felt the need to talk down, over-protect, and constantly play the leader and the hero.  “Don’t you want some help with that heavy box?”  No thanks!  “Do you want me to talk to the car salesman?  He might listen to me.”  Nope, I can deal with a slick dick as well as you can.  “Let me know if you want me to go light on you when we spar.”  Fuck no!  Go ahead and hit me, because I can take it.

As a man, this quality is translating much less well than one might think.  The cameraderie of tough-girl sisterhood is now gone.  No more play is aloud; if I am to be accepted as a man, some say, I must resort to the same demeaning, patronizing behavior with which men treated me when I was a feminine, but still physically capable, woman.  Clearly there is an incident motivating this post.  There is a female friend in my life who I respect, who I think of as strong, smart, and independent.  We play and we tease.  We tease the way bear cubs tease — with fake threats and friendly jabs to the arm.  Well, being the impulsive and imprudent guy that I am, I took it too far with one light punch.  It was meant to be as joking as any other, and didn’t do a lick of damage.  She laughed it off, but her boyfriend, on the other hand, did not.  Infuriated, he proclaimed that “if Adrian wants to be treated like a man then he should stop acting like a little bitch.”  Ouch.  He was ready to beat the shit out of me.  I regret anything I did to hurt her.  I regret it if I was disrespectful.  But as a former woman, I would find it far more disrespectful for my boyfriend to take up my battles for me, than for a male friend to hit me in a teasing way.  That being said, now that I’ve seen and pushed the social boundaries of this particular realm of maleness, I will not be returning to the edge.  I’ll stay away from her, and err on the side of caution with any other women I encounter, no matter how tough I perceive them to be.

Separate from the issue of the degree to which I stepped out of line with my female friend is the absolute anger I felt at her boyfriend’s comment.  Who is he to tell me how to be male?  As one of my friends loves to say, I’m not transitioning into a man, I’m transitioning into myself.  The kind of man I will become will most likely be atypical to say the least.  I am short, I am effeminate, and I am queer.  I love to giggle and snap my fingers in a Z.  I dance in public and I show my feelings.  And my respect for women comes in the form of realizing that they are absolute equals to their male counterparts.  I don’t apologize for that and won’t change it.  As I leave womanhood behind, I feel no regret, but I do stand proudly by my history.  I will never be like a cisgendered man, and not just anatomically.  I was raised different, I see things differently than they do, and no matter how deep my voice gets or how many people get my pronoun right or whether I have an F or and M on my driver’s license, that won’t change.  It is not for any other man, regardless of body or upbringing, to tell me how to be my male self.

Posted in Social Ramifications, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Six Weeks on T

July 16, 2009 by transadrian

Hey all.  Sorry, it’s been awhile since I last posted.  Things have been busy.  For the last three weeks I’ve been working at a day camp for academically gifted kids.  Despite the constant kid-corraling, wiping noses, and overly complicated bureacracy, I’ve had a lot of fun at this job.  I love the kids.  The staff are great as well.  And yet again, everyone around is cool with my trans status.  I wasn’t going to come out directly, but about a week into the program, a little girl in my class names Olga walked up to me and asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?”  With the site director standing three feet away, I said, “I’m a boy!”  Curiousity satisfied, she ran off to dodgeball or plastic bottle boat making or whatever.  The director looked intrigued but uncomfortable, so I explained that I was trans.  He asked a couple of questions and asked if he should make a formal announcement to the staff, which I told him was unnecessary.  But it was huge gossip, of course, and so word spread along with my correct pronoun.  People ranged from very polite to quite curious.  I can talk about it openly with the people there I consider my friends, and they’re fine with it.  My kids are confused, but roll with it.  They switch pronouns all the time but it doesn’t seem to phase them.  So, thanks, Olga, for outing me at work 🙂

In other news, I’ve been on T for about six weeks.  My voice has changed!  Not all the way but it’s definitely deeper than it was two weeks ago.  People have been commenting on it, which never ceases to be awesome.  My weight has held steady the last couple weeks, as has the dramatic shift in my eating patterns.  I don’t eat sweets anymore except for very occasionally.  Love meat and eggs and get cranky if I don’t get them.  Sometimes I get “meat-drunk” — I eat a large meaty meal and then feel amazing and wonderfully slothful afterwards.  My strength, especially my running ability, continues to increase, although I can’t see a physical difference in my body yet.  Last week I ran two miles in 15:10, faster than I’ve been since high school.  Oh, and just yesterday I noticed two very small dark hairs among the light-colored soft hairs on my upper lip.  Soon I’ll have to shave!  No other new hair but I do have more visible hand veins.  I’m also still horny, not noticably more but in a different way.  I’m more visual about it than I used to be.  My clit is getting big and sensitive, and being turned on feels more and more like a little miniature hard-on.

Life is great.  I’m on T and it makes me feel…right.  Aligned.  Congruent.  Summer is in full swing.  I’ve been surfing a lot, running a lot, and I even learned how to throw a frisbee at camp recently.  I’ll try to update here more frequently, and I also owe y’all a video/photo update.  That should be up soon.  Till then, cheers!

Posted in Coming Out, testosterone, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Reflections on My Visit to MN

June 27, 2009 by transadrian

I’m sitting in my cramped airplane seat, the lucky recipient of the middle position.  I open my complementary can of Diet Pepsi and here the unmistakable sound: FIZZZZZZ  WOOOSH!  It spilled everywhere.  I asked the stewardess for a few napkins, and, exasperated, she handed them to me along with a plastic cup.  “Here, put them in this cup when you’re done.  Oh, never mind, I’ll do it.”  She reached over my seatmate and cleaned up my tray with a big sigh.  I wondered why she was so frustrated with me; I just spilled my pop, after all.  Then another stewardess asked her if she had things under control and she said, “Yep, he’s okay now.”  Ah ha!  I passed, but I passed as a twelve-year-old boy.  That was my M.O. these past couple weeks.  Two days before, I was having lunch with my undergraduate mentor, who is in his mid-thirties.  On our way back to his office, we passed the husband of one of my former colleagues.  He recognized my mentor, but not me, and when his wife later told him who I was, he said, “Oh, I thought that was his son!”  The day before that, my brother, dad and I went to see Star Trek, and the clerk asked my dad, “Are any of them under 12?”  My brother, at 5’10” with a five o’clock shadow, was clearly not the prepubescent boy they were referring to.

On the one hand, it was nice to pass frequently back home.  On the other, I am not a child, and having my age mis-read so astoundingly is almost as bad as people reading my gender incorrectly.  It’s not that I’ve never been read as a tween boy in SD, but combining this with an extended stay at my parents’ house and the introduction of a new hormone into my system was enough to give me a real and honest case of adolescent angst.  I was angry and frustrated for good portions of my visit.  I felt disconnected from myself and from my family.  I know that I need to be patient with them, especially my parents, but after two weeks of my dad expressing his concerns that I’ll never find a partner, that I’ll have trouble finding a job, that I’ve probably just “fallen into this” and I’ll eventually change my mind…it was hard to calmly answer his questions and reassure him that I could handle the consequences of my decision to transition.  Right before I left, he told me he thought I should start seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in gender issues — it’s a psychological condition that I want to treat medically, he said, and so an outside perspective would be invaluable to tell me if I really am trans.  My question is, what will this psychiatrist be able to tell me about MY gender that I can’t tell him or her?  Not to mention that I’m happily seeing a therapist who respects my gender identity and, though she doesn’t have much experience with transpeople, she has strong ties to the LGBT community.  I saw her Thursday, and she offered to help me find a specialist who I’ll find agreeable, if I want to comply with my dad’s wishes.  I’m too angry still to seriously consider it.

To all the parents out there, if there are any: trans is not something we come up with because we’re bored.  We have spent months, maybe years, agonizing over whether trans suits us as a label, and whether the benefits of transition outweigh the very significant costs.  The truth is, now that I’m off on this path, there is no going back — not because I fear the consequences of stopping T or because I feel stuck in my decision, but because the more male I become, the more I know that I am simply not female. I hope someday my parents can see that as clearly as I can.

Although the family stuff was a little tough, I had some really great visits with old friends and colleagues.  Most of them are very supportive of the trans thing.  They’re getting used to the name and pronoun.  They asked a lot of questions — sometimes so many that I felt a little bad that the conversation was dominated by the trans thing.  I’m happy to share it with them, but it will be nice when the trans thing isn’t a thing anymore.

In other news, I’ve been on T for one month yesterday.  Here’s a little update:

Voice: Still no “real” drop.  I’m waiting.  It’s been cracking and I can feel the tightness and soreness in my throat.

Skin: More oily than usual, but no acne so far.

Mood: I’m less moody than I was the first week.  I think my driving is slightly more aggressive, and I get very touchy when I’m hungry.  Overall it’s been pretty steady though.

Hunger: The insane hunger has subsided, but I still crave different things.  I don’t really like sugary stuff that much, except for occasionally, and I really like meat.  I’ve been trying to cut down on the red meat a little and go for chicken and turkey, just to develop better habits.  I’ve found that I eat more purposefully now; instead of eating because I’m bored or just because it’s lunchtime, I eat only if I’m hungry.

Weight/musculature: I’ve lost about five pounds since starting.  I’ve seen a little bit of upper body development, but it’s very slight.  My biceps are more visible.  I’ve also taken four minutes off my 5K time.  It takes more to tire me out physically these days and I have a lot of energy.

Hair: I have a bit of fuzz on my upper lip and sideburn areas but it’s soft and light.  I can’t tell if it’s new but I think it is.  Not enough to necessitate shaving 🙂

Libido: It’s nothing like it was the first week, but still flares up…sometimes at very inopportune moments.  I’ve been into women lately, too, which makes me feel like sort of a pig.  The other day I couldn’t get over boobs.  It lasted for about 45 minutes, during which I was at my new job orientation.  I had to actively tell myself, okay, don’t look at the boobs.  Don’t do it.  Listen to the person talking, and look at her face.  God I felt like a jerk.

Posted in Coming Out, testosterone, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Protected: Trans Sex

June 23, 2009 by transadrian

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Oh, the Questions…

June 15, 2009 by transadrian

Right now I’m in Minnesota.  I flew in on Wednesday and will stay until a week from Thursday.  This visit has felt strangely like an ongoing interview pertaining to my transgendered nature.  It’s understandable; the people I know in MN I see only a few times a year, and, just as I am curious about their lives, they are curious about mine.  And as I’m sure any trannies out there know, there are “good questions” and “bad questions”.  The good questions stem from curiousity, a genuine desire to understand.  The bad questions quietly say, “You’re making the wrong decision,” or, “This is so weird,” or, “How will I explain this to my friends and family?”  I truly enjoy answering the good questions; they’re a whole lot better than the uncomfortable silence when folks are unsure if they should cross that boundary or not.  But choosing between a big purple trans elephant in the room and the bad questions is a tough call.  Here are my RATQ (recently asked tranny questions):

Can I ask you about it? Yes.  Always.  Of course (especially when you preface it with this obviously caring and polite statement).

What kind of underwear do you wear? Heh.  Boxers.

Do you feel different being on testosterone? Yep.  I’m hungry for red meat and eggs.  (And I’m horny…but sometimes I don’t include that in the answer :).  I also feel happy…that’s not so different.  I’m a pretty happy person.  But I feel excited for the changes that are coming, too.

Why do you feel like you have to do this if you’re already happy? What a good question.  No, I’m not suicidal.  I’m not depressed about my birth sex.  In fact I’m content, I’m happy, I’m lucky, I love my life.  That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be better if my gender matched my appearance.  That doesn’t mean that I feel right in this body, being perceived as female.  This question may be impossible to answer; you’re asking me why I’m transitioning.  I’m transitioning because I’m a guy.  Wouldn’t you want to transition if you were me?

Do your parents know?  How’d they take the news? Yes.  They asked the previous question (and many others).  They’re dealing with it better than most parents, but that doesn’t mean they’re thrilled about it, or even accepting it yet.

What should I call you now?  It’s so hard not to think of you as Anna. Yeah, I know.  I’ve known the folks in MN for so long.  It’s okay if you make a mistake — I won’t be offended.  I wish we saw each other more often so you’d have a chance to get to know Adrian a little better.  It’s hard being “Anna” and “she” when I’ve been “Adrian” and “he” at home for so many months.  It’s probably shocking to you, my MN friends, that my friends in SD almost never slip, even with pronouns.  I know you’re trying; hey, it’s a transition for both of us.

What bathroom do you use now? Depends on where I am.  If I’m in a place where I can tell I’m being read as male, I use the men’s restroom.  Otherwise I usually stick with the women’s for now.  It’s safer and less smelly.

In this one Facebook picture it looked like you didn’t have any boobs.  Do you still have them? Yes, I do.  The effect you saw comes from what’s called a binder, which looks and feels like a really tight tank top, and is made for FTMs like me.

Are you going to have surgery? There are two categories of FTM surgery: top and bottom.  The former refers to breast removal, the latter to genital.  I definitely want the former as soon as possible (probably next May), and definitely do not want the latter.

Are the T and surgery expensive? My insurance covers a good portion of it, so it’s a lot less expensive than it otherwise would be.

What do you do when you’re swimming? I wear board shorts and a women’s swimming top, shaped like a tank top.  When I surf or swim in the ocean I wear a wetsuit.  When I swim in the pool I wear a regular women’s swimsuit.

What do you do when you work out? I wear a sports bra and I don’t bind.

Who are you going to date?  Doesn’t this limit your options? Yeah, I suppose it does, but it limits them to the group of people I would want to be with anyway.  We all have a limited set to choose from, based on who we’re attracted to, who is attracted to us, our interests, our physical locations, and yes, our genders and sexes.  I date men, and I date women.  I date trans and cis people.  I date people who are open-minded.  Sometimes I experience the common fear of ending up alone, but underneath it all, I have faith that what will happen will happen, and the person who’s right for me is probably floating around out there.

Will you get taller? Heh, I wish.  Nope.

Will you grow facial hair? God and genetics willing, yes.

When will your voice drop? Incrementally, starting very soon.

Will you go bald? God and genetics willing, no.  My brother hasn’t, so most likely I won’t either.

Is testosterone healthy? It’s just as healthy for me as it is for any other guy.

Should you be mixing T with alcohol? Heh, this was from a male friend I was drinking with.  If you can do it, so can I (and no, it’s not harmful).

Do you feel like the same person you were before? I feel more like myself now than I ever have before.  When I was very feminine, I felt like I was an actor playing a part.  I was responding to cues in order to fit in.  Then, one day, I decided to look the way I wanted to look and dress how I wanted to dress — screw what everyone else thinks.  That’s what I did and have done ever since, and the journey has taken me down this particular path.  I am growing into myself, growing up into the man that I am.  He’s not different than Anna, really, he was just muffled for awhile.

Posted in Coming Out, relationships, Social Ramifications, testosterone, Transition | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

One Week on T

June 6, 2009 by transadrian

One announcement before I talk about T: I got my qual results and I PASSED!  I’m ecstatic.

It’s been just over a week since I started taking testosterone.  The information at the very end is not “family friendly”, just to warn you, but I believe it’s important to include for the benefit of other transguys out there.  If you’re a person who knows me in real life, I’d ask that you use your discretion when reading this entry.  If you think we wouldn’t talk openly about this stuff in person, please abstain from reading the last two paragraphs.

The first thing I noticed was an increase in my leg strength, and I’ve continued to notice that in almost all the physical activities I do.  The T seems to give me an edge near the end of a workout or a lift; I can push myself a little harder and find that last little bit of strength.  Again, this could be psychosematic, but I can also do things like run a flight of stairs two at a time without feeling any burn in my legs.  That’s new.  I can’t see any change in my musculature yet, however.

My appetite has been insane this week.  I have a newfound sympathy for teenage boys; the other night I ate a fairly substantial dinner at 8pm, and I was starving again by 10.  There’s also been a shift in the things I want to eat.  Sugary foods sometimes seem disgusting, which is so odd since I have a professional strength sweet tooth.  I don’t crave sugar anymore.  I do, however, crave protein.  I do eat meat, but before T it was something I rarely looked forward to with more anticipation than other foods.  Now, I make meal choices based on what has the most meat or eggs in it.  I have to say, my friends have been so great with this part of it.  Every hour or so when I’m hanging out with people, I find myself saying, “I’m hungry!”  First my buds will ask, “Is it real hunger or fake hunger?” because I’ve told them that some of this increase in appetite is not because I need more calories, but just because I have a new hormone in my body.  It’s impossible to tell if it’s real or fake, but I try to avoid eating things that are too heavy in calories unless it’s meal time or I’m absolutely starving.  My friends have been extremely patient dealing with me when I’m “hangry” (so hungry I’m angry or irritable) although I’ve been trying hard to keep it in check and eating something before it gets to that point.

My voice has become a touch deeper and huskier in the last week.  A couple people have even commented on it.  It goes in and out, but definitely during my regular radio sing-a-longs in my car, I can hit notes that are lower than I could have hit before.  I can feel it in my throat, too.  It’s a little sore and sometimes feels like the chords are a little too big for the space they’re in.  I’m hoping I still sound like myself when I go to Minnesota, as a lot of people there still don’t know I’m on T (I’m telling my folks in person, for instance).

Hair has started to grow on my stomach (hehehe, a “happy trail”).  It’s dark but not yet thick.  My leg hair has started to become a bit longer and thicker as well.  The skin on my face is only slightly more oily than it was before, and I don’t yet have any acne.

Okay, here’s the less family-friendly information:

My libido went through the roof about three days into taking T.  Oh, poor teenage boys…my bio guy friends tell me that this goes on for months or years when you’re in regular boy-puberty.  Mine should level out faster, but wow.  I was sitting in a class I was really interested in the other day, and I still found myself completely unable to concentrate.  I considered leaving halfway through because it was just too much.  I’ve asked the bio guys I’m close to here what the hell I should do about this, and again, I wonder how I got such amazing friends.  They usually first say, “Yup, welcome to being a guy.”  They’ve suggested exercise, which definitely helps, and, of course, getting laid.  I’ve used exercise as a stress reliever before, but never for this specific kind of stress.  The other day I came home so strung out, so wired, that I felt like I’d explode.  A four-mile run at a remarkably fast pace followed by a couple sets of stairs and some sit-ups really did the trick.

As for getting laid, I did that too.  I want to talk about this because tranny dating is something I’ve been really worried about this week.  I’ve been scared that I’ll never find that true love, and disconcerted by the fact that I don’t even know what to look for in a partner.  It’s a complete mystery who I’ll end up with, what gender, what sex, and finding a person who is both a good match for me and who is okay with me being trans seemed almost impossible for most of this week.  I needed to be with someone to reassure me that, yes, things will be fine in the end.  Two nights ago I was with such a person–a bi bio guy friend of mine who is very much in touch with his feminine side.  It’s unclear if this will be a one-time thing or not,  but it was nice to know I’ll still have options as a transman.  Also, man, it felt really good to answer that hormonal call 🙂

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