Naked and ashamed

Posted by trishdar on

So I just found this, and though it’s undated, I know I wrote it sometime last year. It’s part of the ‘biblical series’, and it’s my interpretation of the story of Adam and God after he ate the forbidden fruit. In the story he realized he was naked and covered himself with leaves, and when God came to look for him he hid himself because he was ashamed.  

His response was,

I hid, for I was ashamed.

The mangled frame that is my nakedness

The broken beat down exterior,

dis-morphed into strangeness,

my mutation is aggravated

img_8964creation

Disfigured and frightening,

unseemly and disgusting

that is my nakedness,

and I would cover it with clothes.

 

So please look no further

And no deeper should you seek

For the person that you seek,

is not whom you’ll find.

For this fragile and mangled spirit,

is who I really am

And should you look a little closer

you would see WHAT I really am

 

So look away world,

and let me cover my shame

so all you see is my garments,

through your rose tinted frames,

And through your shortsighted eyes

you would believe the myth of my beauty

and think me your fellow you.

gd sam

The Brown Eyed Girl

Posted by trishdar on

I feel a little weird writing about social issues, in this case race, but today I feel so torn inside I had to express it the only way I know how.

brown girl (2.1)

I never wore my darkness on my sleeve,

Never let it reach the soft glow of my skin

Never would I let its shadow clothe my being

Or the world to see my shade,

I tucked away my night in the crook of a sunshine smile

Comforted that the world would never see,

That you would never know,

The abyss that shrouded my soul,

The night that haunted my day.

Yet to my surprise all you ever saw was the inky blackness

Seeping through the pores of my skin

It seems the inky blackness has left a layer on my skin,

Not the oil rich black gold that fills my inner crevices

praising-god-silhouette-woman-alone-39089743But a richer earthy shade that mother painted me in

When she saw how the light of the sun burned me,

How I hid my face from its brilliance

She painted me with the color of the soil,

And nature made me her own.

When all you saw was an inky vortex,

An empty void of dying matter

The black hole created by a dying star

When I feared you would see the bleeding darkness in my soul

I should have known not to worry,

Because you never saw me at all.

I have never quite thought in racial terms, besides being aware of how different we look, for me it was the equivalent of having different names and having different parents (like my parents would let me eat basically anything at any time whereas my friends parents were stricter on what to eat and took meal times REALLY seriously). Anyway, for the first time today i realized that people don’t see me beyond the the color of my skin. Instead of simply being a marker or even a category, it seems my melanin level is the sum total of who I am and it makes me feel like I don’t exist.  

brown (2)

Reflected in Darkness

Posted by trishdar on

So I wrote this during a class sometime last year, and then stuffed the paper somewhere and forgot about it, but since I like sharing ……. hope you can see ‘it’

ashes

We fear the dark

because we fear the unknown

the unseen, the unfelt, the uncontrollable

the feeling of powerlessness,

stripped and bare like the light

like a candle snuffed out by the wind,

so we lose ourselves .

When we no longer see

the reflection that defines who we are,

when there is no shadow to follow us,

and no light to guide us

the same light which defines us

… So n the dark we lose ourselves

In the dark we cower in fear

When no one else can see us,

we cease to see ourselves,

so we fear the dark

because we fear to lose ourselves

The black glass mirror

Posted by trishdar on
mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

                                mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

The face that looks back at me looks nothing like the picture in the magazine
the smiling soulful face cannot be mine
the person you see is not me,
I am not what you’ve seen, or the reflection you envision
my shadow is an illusion of my existence
but the mirror never lies
give me a black mirror to reveal my true nature
to reflect the soulless eyes which inhabit this ghoulish face
to reflect back the death and destruction that stands before you
the emptiness and nothingness held together by a feeble weak frame,
the darkness that hides behind the lights and cameras when you call action,
the darkness that lurks in the back waiting for you to stop looking
the weeping angel that sighs and whispers in my ear
that whispers my name in the darkness
the darkness that holds my soul

give me a black mirror and I will show you nothing
i will show you the void that exists in this world to suck out the joy and happiness,
the blank canvas that can never hold a masterpiece
the nothing that you never see

so when I tell you that girl in the picture is not me,
when I tell you what you see is not real
when i tell you to stand back because it’s going to hurt
my edges cut like a knife
and my pictures are not who I am
give me a black mirror
and I will show you the face of nothing
i will show you the empty inky blackness that is my existence
i will show you the face you cannot see.

I am nothing,
and if you look close enough,

you’ll see nothing.

Earth an Dust

Posted by trishdar on

So I wrote this months ago, with like 10 other random thoughts (which I will post soon) but I just wanted to share the thoughts again, so here’s one from the scribbles lying around my room 🙂

 

tree

Today we revisit my grave

the place you carried me

buried me, and forgot me

That warm Earth that shrouded me and covered me

the darkness that entombed me and held me,

The moment I forgot to breathe,

that moment we met.

We visit the space carved out for me,

the soil from whence I came

the earth to which I belong

my final resting place.

The momment we first met,

the day you took him from me,

somewhere in the dark of the night,

between 3 and 4

before the sun could see what you had done,

and the birds could speak of the darkness

before the light came and blew you away

the reaper had sown.

imagesCA4QUF10

And so the seed continues to grow

and the sun continues to shine as the twilights awaits

until the darkness comes again

then you will reap what you have sown,

and the earth will be dust again.

 

fear

Posted by trishdar on

Image

fear
whispers gently
caressing my mind
with a whispered word
he breathes, maybe
and kisses me gently
puts me to sleep
and lets me dream

to see it, love it
touch it and smell it
then gently wakes you up
from the reverie of the future
to the gut wrenching sense of loss

he fills you with emptiness
and the sense that you could lose it all
and in that one moment you’re his
your world his oyster

My unbelief

Posted by trishdar on

So too many people (i.e. 3 people) have been asking me why my status reads, “Help my unbelief” and even with the bible reference some still don’t get it, so this is me explaining it, in my own words.

Mark 9:22-24

I see those eyes in my head,

that dream I once held

I feel it in my heart

that beat of the drum

the thrumming of hope, faith and fear

the promise of what was, and still could be

I can hear it in my head,

the unending song of the triumph

the song too loud to be ignored.

 

So I sit at the door and wait for the promise

for his eyes to look at me once more

for his beating heart to stop and be silent

For his voice to call out my name

for his breath to catch and never come back

caught between hell and a furnace

where the song of the angels resounds,

his hand to hold mine again,

and this chill of it to freeze my heart

I sit and wait for him to wake up

and with my eyes, I watch him dying

 

I understand he will be well again

He said it and I believed Him

he will come back to me

because He’s strong enough to raise a dead man

so my eyes wonder and look for signs of recovery

while my heart weeps and says goodbye

I know for a fact You could heal him,

Just never thought You would.

 

So help me believe,

Because on my own I’m too weak

I sit and wait for death to take me

knowing well he never will.

Worn

Posted by trishdar on

This is a song I found from Tenth Avenue North called Worn, From the album The Struggle

I’m tired

I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I’m too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that

You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I’m worn even before the day begins

I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

puppets

Posted by trishdar on

I see me

a carbon copy

the man in the mirror a replica of who I am

my soul, and my mind

my body, my all.

I watch her

she moves and glides

the star shining brightest

in the movie of my life

I, the spectator

heart strings tied in

i watch the master pull and tug

shake and move me

i become a prop of reality

i smile on request,

dance on instruction

and breathe on demand.